Drilling Ventilation Holes in the Submarine

Pro Tip: if you tell someone you're from Romania, it is helpful to speak Romanian.

• I love animals. That's why I watch treehouse shows on Animal Planet

The Christmas commercial barrage has begun. Or I just caught it.

It occurs to me that the holiday might be here soon, in a month and a half, and I should get something for someone. I have one someone on my list. One. And I usually screw that one up, proving that advanced planning has no advantage.

If, for some reason, you find yourself married to a person with multiple personalities, you could always ask a different one of them what to get. Not that I would ever do a thing like that.

• Anything worth doing can be done from the couch  - leftyfucious

Mrs lefty was upset because Penny kept lunging at her while she was driving. She figured out Penny wasn't lunging - she is a Spaniel Seatbelt. She sits right in her lap and doesn't move. That's a weird habit for any dog larger than a Yorkie. Fortunately she's not so large as to impair driving.

• You got me like ah and ooh, with all the things you do... 
• I'm sorry, this 'song' annoys the crap out of me. 
• Ok, I'm not sorry.

I voted. You probably voted too. It's a way to make your voice heard, but only if a lot of people vote like you. I had 5 races: three were libertarians, leaving 2 races to investigate. Duckduckgo was very helpful in getting all the local voting and candidate information. One of the remaining two was an easy choice: vote against our local representative. I don't normally do this - I vote for, not against - but this person gets under my skin by breathing. Have you ever met or looked up someone whose every view is diametrically opposed to yours? It's not like we have any common ground, except (perhaps) not killing random people. Killing random people might be ok with her, but you may not do it with guns, because she's against guns. She never misses an opportunity to make government bigger and more expensive. Every single issue. The other race featured 2 people who were moderate democrat and republican. After research, I wound up voting straight libertarian and two republicans. Remember: "Common sense gun regulations" means gun confiscation or other erosions of the 2nd Amendment.

The incumbent governor won (boo), as did the representative from hell, who is wrong on every issue.  I didn't expect to win, but this is disappointing. Apparently a lot of people didn't vote like me.  

There was a huge turnout, which I'll put down to people coming out against Trump (this a guess, not a comment). Everybody in line was pleasant, helping newcomers to the correct line. The staff was either pleasant or near death. I got to entertain here and there, which made it fun for me. Less so Penny, who isn't registered to vote here (yet), and wasn't allowed in the building. Neither was my comfort elephant, which will require a complaint with the Federal Election Commission, and under the Americans with Disabilities Act. They're just lucky I didn't bring my comfort fire engine or comfort F-15.

• Penny just figured out how to open the kitchen door; she puts her paw under and pulls. How do pets figure this stuff out? It's only a matter of time til she figures out the bi-fold bathroom door. All of our pets figured them both out.

This is Penny. Penny is a meerkat.

Say - are you an HSBC customer in California?

Oops - your personal and banking information are out in the wild after a breach. 

"The information that may have been accessed includes your full name, mailing address, phone number, email address, date of birth, account numbers, account types, account balances, transaction history, payee account information, and statement history where available. 

 Naturally, HSBC is very sorry (they got caught) and they take security very seriously (because they got caught).

• Minnesota is the #1 state in voter turnout: 74.7%
• Even my rudimentary math skills show over 25% of voters can't be bothered to abandon their Faceyspaces accounts long enough to make their voices heard.

Do you have boxes of real dead bats, attached to cardboard, with cellophane wrapped around them? You may not send them to Canada. Don't ask how I know.

• Shrimp paste?

Overheard but not confirmed: Best Buy employees have to price match Amazon prices from their personal phones because of people editing html to change prices on Amazon. 

Just in case you haven't discovered the World Wide Web yet, this means people are taking Amazon web pages and altering the code (html) to reflect their desired price.

Let me eat my words: We are not a nation of morons. We are a nation of mostly morons.

Sinead O'Connor has converted to Islam and declared that she doesn't want to associate with white people.

1. Whoever is in charge of Public Relations for Islam had better tell her Mohammed wants her to entertain others from the safety of a soundproofed closet, twelve stories underground, at a nuclear-fortified facility. The reason they're so slow on this is that Public Relations is also in charge of picking random places to blow up innocent people in other countries, in the name of God.
2. Sinead, alternately known as Skinhead or My Little Garbage Truck, in addition to converting, got a real knock on the head and has also converted to Social Justice Warrior. This is proved by her statement coming out on Twitter, where you are not allowed to malign Muslims.
3. This woman is a mess. Those of us who pay attention to this sort of thing (and tell jokes at polling places), suspect she's a victim of abuse, perhaps as a child. She hasn't dealt with her trauma. Let's say Sinead is a balloon (a pretty blue one): she starts out flat, then fills with grief and agita until full. If she doesn't process the agita, the balloon can't hold more air, so it blurts out little bits, like we used to do when we were little to make fart sounds. The bizarre behavior is the air leaking out, bit by bit. After she deals with the event that brought this about, the air will go out of her. Then she'll be flat again (which is not so good if you're a musician). It would be a good thing to get this behind her, lest she find herself the lone member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, remote flying drones that drop bombs on people who don't want to associate with white people.

• Another shooting.
• There have been mass shootings for years. Lately it seems they're out of control. So to speak.
• Is the media hyping the shootings?
• Is there an agenda to disarm Americans? If so, who benefits?
• Has MKULTRA come back in a different form? Who's doing the programming?
• Have we simply morphed into a society with a larger tiny percentage of mass murderers?
• Many of the shooters were on prescribed medicines, like antidepressants and antipsychotics.
• I have no firm answers - just asking questions.

The Guardian, a very strange newspaper in the UK, featured this gem, when they learned that People magazine voted Idris Elba the Sexiest Man Alive:

Congrats, Idris Elba: but next year, let's have a less macho sexiest man alive...

Do you really want to live on the same planet as these people?
How about Harvey Fierstein?
Hint: evolution favors the macho, not the metro.


Many sections of the UK have gone completely off the rails; mostly the government and the more prominent voices of SJWs. If someone said Idris was an ass, the police would prosecute for hate speech and the SJWs would prosecute for racism (because he's black). America would prosecute because no one should be called Idris.

• For some unknown reason, I get a few visits from a domain that seems to belong to some very adult websites, possibly also Ashley Madison. Is somebody trying to tell me something? It is my wife?

old crazy lefty is at it again, with another theory...

Many theories have been put forth about UFOs and their pilots. It is said that some flying things are ours and some are not. There is no shortage of proof that things are flying around up there, regardless of whose.  It is also a fact that the Powers The Be (PTB) have spent much time, money, and lives denying there's anything up there. There are three 'official' explanations for Roswell, from our own government. Why the extreme effort to deny?

Given there's an unknown reason, perhaps it's technology no one wants us to have. Perhaps there's something no one wants to tell us. I'm a big boy - I want, and have the right, to be told the truth.

[Here's the out of the box part] Is it possible that ancient astronauts the pilots of the craft that aren't ours are already known and perhaps already established? That would explain a lot. Or maybe they're all ours and it's all a show.

My Dog Has Fleas

He doesn't, really.
He has diarrhea. Ask me how I found this out.
No, wait, don't ask.

Twenty eight gigabytes of sensitive intelligence agency files were left on a public Amazon server by one of the nation's top intelligence contractors without a password, according to a new report.

Twenty eight gigabytes (60,000 documents - rather a large amount) were left, exposed to anyone, on a public cloud server. With no password. Including a passwords to a government system containing sensitive information and the security credentials of a senior employee of Booz Allen Hamilton, one of the country's top defense contractors. This means no hacking was required-you could have Top Secret Department of Defense access, for the taking.

The list of what is wrong with this is endless, even for first-year computer security students (and possibly their dogs).  This doesn't look good for Booz Allen, the same firm where Edward Snowden worked.

My prediction is that this will disappear quietly, if it even gets out of the gate. If it were to ever surface again, there will be an announcement that the federal government is very unhappy with Booz Allen, and have given them a stiffly-worded letter saying so and urging them to never do it again. Plus a several-million dollar fine, which will be of no consequence against their next humongous government contract.

• EMERGENCY warning, ladies, from England's Daily Star: Don't put wasp nests up your vagina. That is all.

A motorcycle gang stole Jeeps by accessing the secret database of replacement key codes. They stole them out of parking lots or wherever they could find them, started them via the stolen codes, then drove them to Mexico. Never underestimate the power of Motas, Chi Chi, Guero, Guerito, and Edwin, among others. On your way out, don't forget to make fun of me for having an older car that won't remote-start.

• Kmart is dealing with its second credit card breach in less than three years. They could have planned this at a more convenient time, with Sears closing both stores.
• It is my observation that hacking Kmart didn't have to be such a laborious project. They could just hack it from the inside. One or two guys with t-shirts that say HACKER, in bright yellow letters, just walk up to a register and install the malware. Kmart is such an unholy, understaffed mess (at least mine are), that no one would notice.
• When asked for comment, Kmart said to wait in one of two lines with ten people in front of you and two cashiers running all over the store for unpriced items.

Piper Harron, a professor at the University of Hawaii has said that white men should be banned from teaching. She wrote an article saying 'If you are a white cis man, you almost certainly should resign from your position of power. Thats right, please quit. Too difficult? Well, as a first step, at least get off your hiring committee, your curriculum committee, and make sure you're replaced by a woman of color or trans person.'  It's good to know that in 2017, it's perfectly ok to come out and make this statement. It's a very good thing that it was not made by a caucasian, or the shitstorm would be monumental.

• One of Jerry Garcia's guitars (named Wolf for its wolf inlay) just sold for $1.9 million at auction. Next month, his body will be auctioned. It is expected to fetch between $900k and $3billion.

Earlier I told you about Evergreen State College, where leftist students demanded all white people take a day off. The college was evacuated and closed today due to a "direct threat to campus safety". I'm sure they will launch an immediate investigation (into how to make the lives of the threateners more comfortable and listen intently to their demands).

The world continues to get weirder by the day, just when you think it can't get any more weird. What's worse, you couldn't possibly make this stuff up in the wildest of literary satire.

• One of those nice Muslim men claimed to have explosives with him, as he tried to enter the cockpit of a Malaysia Airlines flight. He was tackled by eleven passengers and did not make it to the cockpit. The industry could save a lot of money on air marshals because travelers are FED UP with this and will use it as an excuse to act out. I predict hijackings will stop as the hijackers realize they're more likely to get the stuffing beat out of them than hijack the plane.

Aaaaaaaaand it's Muslims

Our hearts go out to the people of Manchester after the latest cowardly terrorist act.

Some would describe any Ariana Grande concert as a terrorist act but I'll wait a few days.

It's getting to the point that the moment there's word of any disruption, you start the countdown clock, waiting for the announcement that ISIS is at it again. I'm sure the other terrorist groups are feeling left out.

It would appear that the people who want to 'extreme vet' immigrants have a bit of a point. Unfettered immigration overseas hasn't gone well.

*Speaking of Ms. Grande, she has been quoted as saying she hates Americans and then there's the video of her in a bakery, licking donuts and putting them back. She also dresses like a fetish model then complains she feels 'objectified.'

In further Manchester news, England will actually prosecute for you saying ISIS is bad. At least we have freedom of speech here.

In still further news from somewhere left of Bernie, noted game developer and part-time hat stand Brianna Wu let this loose on Twitter: When a man straps on a bomb of nails, goes to a woman's concert to kill an audience of women and girls, IT'S A SAFE BET SEXISM IS INVOLVED. To say this woman is unstable is to do an injustice to the people who are legitimately unstable.

As if there couldn't possibly be more, there is. Katy Perry has commented on the Manchester bombing: 'No barriers, no borders, we all just need to co-exist.' The wit. The intellect. It hurts.

• Some random dude from Alabama is going to jail for online harassment of fifty women (that they know about). There was little rhyme or reason as to how they were selected, but he researched them online enough to guess their passwords and hacked away, getting into their phones and CLOUD accounts and stealing their pictures.  Again, this is some random dude from Alabama. If he caused this much damage to this large number of women, it's kinda frightening, no? It's not like he's a hacker. Hmm... oh, I see.. their passwords were so crappy he was able to guess them from online research. Read and weep. It's a good article, with practical examples of how to avoid this.

Sir Roger Moore (89) has shuffled off his mortal coil, after a short battle with cancer.  RIP, Mr. Bond.

• Marshall the cocker had his one month post-surgical visit the other day. The surgeon was shocked - she did not expect to see him in the wonderful shape he's in. We're all happy and thankful. Marshall was so enthused, he shit in the exam room. Marshall is a very complex dog.
• Speaking of complex, we can now brag that our little monster can remove the white plastic top from a Dunkin Donuts styrofoam cup AND the clear plastic top from the clear plastic cup. After either, he goes face-down into the coffee, hot or cold, and sees no ill effects from it. It's a shame I didn't have him when I needed to write papers and book reports.

Data theft allegations against four former House IT workers have gone nowhere and people are baffled. The suspicion is that these workers have data on House members, in a blackmailing kinda way. If your outlook on government is not completely sour at this moment, read this article and see how you feel. My favorite line is that there are rules stating that staffers cannot make more than House members. These are the people who are legally immune to their own laws and don't have to use the piddling Obamacare insurance - they have their own.

• A cyber-attack in Florida resulted in hackers getting hold of names of 16,000 people who hold concealed-weapon licenses.  Imagine.. that much information in one place. Poorly secured. Is there too much data stored? Do we need concealed weapon licenses? Do you trust the keepers of this data? Go ahead - guess what the ThermionicEmissions answer is.

UK Secret Classifications (applies everywhere):
Top Secret: Stuff that gets left on the train
Secret: Stuff the press has
Official: Safe to give to politicians

• Got one of those dandy new Samsung Galaxy S8 phones? They have the dandy new iris scanner. As expected, the scanner can be bypassed with a photo of your iris. The only thing missing here is the Internet of Things connection so if your signal is bad, you can't unlock the phone. Or use your iris.
• Speaking of iris. Irii? Irises? Iras? Samsung should abandon iris unlocking anyway and go for something more adventurous: breast unlocking. After all, no two breasts are alike... plus it would make morning commutes much more interesting - especially on the train.

Our local 'news' morning show has revealed that there's a 'feud' between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Putting aside my prior theory that Taylor is a fembot, and would therefore win any contest, I think this is getting out of hand. Feuds became very popular during the East Coast-West Coast rapper days. In a bid to pump up a career or get some 'cred,' these lilly white, alleged Songstresses to the Tweens are out there generating press.

No, seriously.

On 'news' programs, to my absolute horror, some have added a 'social media desk,' where a 'reporter' will weigh in on Faceyspaces and Twitter matters of great import. We will now need to contact the business on-air furniture department because we need another space: news will need to hire a Feud Reporter, with in-depth, up to the moment news of who's feuding with whom, who stole a boyfriend/girlfriend (or both), and some background on the feud and who it affects.

As if that weren't enough, we'll need one more seat. We can call this person the Sociology Reporter. He or she will report on what the feud means in terms of sociology and why we're all going to hell because of it. When news is completely devoid of content and owned by six mega-corporations, we deserve at least one person on staff to tell us the truth while the ninnies do their dance.


Wait, I hear someone fiddling....

All I Want for Christmas is Headache Relief

Mariah Carey is turning her song "All I Want for Christmas is You" into an animated movie with herself narrating. Because the world is crying out for it.  I know this because the local Fox morning show brought in yet another Yak Show Special Guest to tell us all about it.

Speaking of Hard Hitting News, Fox just aired their third segment on Flashy Nails with Sparkly Bits. This segment features a teaser, followed by two experts from a local nail salon applying these scandalous fake nails to the reporter's short and mangled nails. This is a breaking story that no doubt will involve international Special Reports every thirty minutes, with other networks gearing up their own coverage. When the story is beaten to death, which some will argue has already transpired, Mariah Carey will reportedly do a movie about it, with herself narrating.

• are you ready for the latest Big Controversy? A white man has been accused of Cultural Appropriation for painting a picture of a black man. I never studied sociology but this means something (aside from reaching Peak Stupidity).

A great feature of cell phones is the ability to install software and change things. For example, the standard Android keyboard and I do not get along. I installed a different one (after wading through hundreds of them, primarily concerned with emojis), with which I got on a little better. Here is where I start to blaspheme: I have a really good relationship with the keyboard on my work iDevice. While the thunder dies away, I have no idea why this is. It has tiny little keys, while I keep going larger with the Android keyboards.

Just for fun, I searched for an iDevice keyboard for Android. I installed the most popular one, which immediately started phoning home to China (I use No-Root Firewall, which tells me these things). This is what will happen to you if you install crappy software. Clue#1: subtle to hilarious English mistakes in the description. Check the privacy policy and whatever else is listed at the bottom of the software description. Also check reviews, making sure to look for English mistakes or obvious shills. Stick with popular software companies.

• In news guaranteed to amuse, The Turkish Hacking Family group claims to have access to over 300 million iCloud accounts and is threatening to remotely wipe this data unless Apple pays a ransom ($75,000 in crypto currency or $200,000 in iTunes gift cards). The deadline is April 7. Whether or not this threat is real, Apple is advising everyone to change their iCloud password and enable two-step authentication. This may or may not be the same group that is involved in The Fappening 2.0, exposing pictures of celebrities.

A Utah man was killed and his wife injured in the London Islamist terror attack. This won't go over well with the Brits but maybe it's time to arm... the police and other authorities aren't providing much cover here and ultimately it's up to a person to defend himself and his family. Something to think about..

I owe a heartfelt apology to the Swiss, who I accused of the London attack. Turns out it was a Muslim.

• I am a big fan of Android Forums. Lots of information and assistance for any android device. They just got hacked and a very small percentage of accounts lost a few bits of information - one report said it was forty. Guess who's one of the forty? Yup.

On the Stupid News File, after the obnoxious outside host kissed a camel, they ran a promo for a wedding dress show. One look at the lady in the dress said man. Yup, she's a transexual. Marrying another transexual. Hey, do what makes you happy, but the math here is staggering.  He has a full beard, meanwhile I can't grow hair on the top of my head.

• Just the other day, the Senate voted 50(R) to 48(D) to allow ISPs to sell your personal data. This is the headline but it's caught up in a different topic, namely letting regulations apply to all entities equally. Regardless, it's just your privacy. Early word is that the best way to prevent this is to use a VPN. Here's some info on how your information is collected.

If you're traveling from certain Muslim countries to the US/UK, you'll need to stow your laptop. In Serious Anti-Terrorism News, the US/UK have decided that you cannot use or carry your laptop to the US from certain countries. Authorities claim that this measure is not based on any intelligence. Well, it sure seems like a stupid measure to implement otherwise. And let's face it - it's going to be a problem regardless of where it goes boom. Security Theater.

• Two weeks after Failed Snowmageddon 2017, nobody has piled additional snow on my car. For this I am grateful. No local authorities have been involved but we have called in Cthulu to make a small statement to the (allegedly) adult miscreant neighbors.

Someone discovered a dishwasher with a web server. A web server. When it breaks or gets hacked (which it will), you have to get web server updates from a dishwasher company. What could possibly go wrong?  To be fair, this is an industrial machine for hospitals, which are fast becoming a rich target for hackers. This will not end well.

Antivirus company F-Secure released this list of most-used login/password combinations used to hack their honeypot (decoy for the purposes of collecting information) machines. Please don't use these.

• Good article on hack-proofing your smart phone. If you're lazy, you won't like this.

I'm in the middle of intensive training for this event!

Oh The Outrage

Gone viral is the story of a Philadelphia-ish area woman with an autistic child who was asked to leave Friendlys (an ice cream chain). The child was screaming and crying loudly. The mother, who is pushing this as a Huge Story, freely admits that the child is 'a bit of a brat' and 'loud'.

Rather than taking the child for a walk, she was 'afraid' to leave her other child at the table. Rather than simply taking the child out of the restaurant, like one would with any screaming child. The mother states this is 'intolerant', although she does not like the word tolerant. Just for fun, the show asked the child's older brother (approximately 10) what he thought of it, who referred to hate and anger. This poor child will always be secondary to his brother. The autistic child ran around and screamed in the studio.

In a statement, Friendlies states that they are "Confident that dialog is taking place."

C'mon, Mom.. you freely admit everything about your son that states he should have left the restaurant. Stop milking this, crying autism. A letter from another parent with autistic children states that she will leave an establishment when her child/children act out. Mom poo-pooed it.

• NYPD is planning to switch to Windows 10 Mobile. This is what we call a Dunderhead Move. Not because I hate Windows (well, not entirely) but because the platform is almost dead. Plus they must love pain. NYPD is already using Win 10 on their mobile phones, with the plan being to 'upgrade' them to Win 10 mobile. The reasoning is the security of the platform(!) and the mobile device management capabilities (which every other platform has too). Not only is this a stupid move, it's apparent that someone in the NYPD is either getting a kickback or is just incredibly friendly with a vendor. This isn't the first time this has happened.. many cities have selected statewide radio systems for police and fire that have been borderline useless. These people know nothing and rely on salespeople, who we know always tell the truth.

I prefer to let anatomy (especially blood) remain where it is, secure in the knowledge that it's doing what it's supposed to do, or at very least, I don't need to be looking there and passing out (possibly dying a rock star's death by choking on my own vomit). The other night we were catching up on Bones episodes. I remember them as intelligent and well-written, with funny and relatable characters and not a ridiculous amount of gore.  Apparently the focus changed while we weren't watching it. There were all sorts of hideous sights.. I can't and won't try to describe them, as I spent a good portion of the episodes looking at my computer instead of the tv. One particular delicacy involved a mostly eaten body with a carnivorous fish embedded inside what was left of it. Even the wife, a nurse, thought it was pretty gross. So Bones has changed a bit.

In addition to those bodily functions, there's one that of which I was never aware: the switch in my ass. Before your mind wanders too far, there's a switch in my butt that activates the dog whenever I sit. It lets him know it's a great time to do something that involves notifying me in an urgent manner and tone. This can be one of three things: I need food, I need to go outside, or I need water. He never asks for two at the same time, preferring to nudge me for them individually when the switch activates. As parents of bipeds, I suspect you know of this switch. Thus concludes your hidden anatomy lesson for the day (hopefully the year).

• Over 50 parents in England were furious when their children were left stranded on a bus because their Muslim driver stopped on a main road and knelt down to pray. I'm thinking that if your religion is going to interfere with doing your job that much, perhaps you need a different job. Imagine if other religions practiced during their work time...
• Islamists would park the bus across traffic, hoping cars and trucks would kill the kids
• Christians would sacrifice the children to God, while the Catholics would make them feel guilty for it
• Jews would take the kids out for a nice corned beef special, requesting the early-bird and group discounts
• Buddhists would have the children visualize going to school
• Atheist drivers would insist there are no schools and drop the kids back home

Friend to all, the IRS paid $12 million for Microsoft software it doesn't use. Not that anyone should use Microsoft software, but this is yet another example of government waste. But let's keep it between us, or else The Audits Will Begin.

• In today's Internet of Things update, Philips has pushed a firmware update that "accidentally" caused all 3rd party bulbs to stop working. In Plain English, the Philips bulbs are internet-connected. Philips sent/forced an update that makes other connected bulbs stop working. Not only will your house get hacked from outside, your appliances will fight each other for dominance. The fridge will not only refuse to tell you what's inside, it will keep trying to stop the oven from working. The oven, in retaliation, will send the fridge's password to anyone who asks, resulting in it divulging its contents and people ordering food that can't fit into it. Your heater will experience sibling rivalry with the air conditioner, causing hourly changes in house temperature, similar to changes in season. Your sleep (and sex life) will be completely ruined by hackers inflating and deflating your sleep number mattress while you're in bed.

The internet and the local Fox morning show have been awash with multiple segments about Beyonce's bleeding ear. One report had fans ripping out their own earrings. Still no word about her fans' eardrums.

• According to a Men's Health magazine poll on Faceyspaces, which might explain it, half of men shave or trim their leg hair. I find this almost as perplexing as this election.

As we can all agree, this election has been a Class A Shitshow. A dumpster fire extraordinaire. The Dirty Tricks Squad<tm> has been out in force. To give you an idea of what's been happening behind the scenes, check out this video on the Clinton campaign's Agitator Program<tm>.  Be certain that this happens on both sides of the alleged aisle. And it's only going to get dirtier from here.

• In Germany, a man turned himself in to the police, admitting that he put his baby up for sale on Ebay, but it was a joke. Apparently one cannot sell a baby on Ebay - who knew? Oh yeah, the police are only referring to the family as 'refugees'.

PornHub wants everyone to know that after the scary clown sightings, searches for clown porn went through the roof. This has been a public service announcement.

• After having won the Nobel Prize for Literature, the committee cannot reach Bob to work out details. This may be the coolest thing to happen since John Lennon returned his MBE to the Queen.

I'm not sure but it's possible Samsung has declared war on China. It seems Samsung did not include China in its initial recall of its fire-prone devices.

• Chinese media says emojis should be regulated. I agree but think they should be terminated with extreme prejudice

At a recent Amy Schumer appearance, some audience members walked out over her Trump-bashing. While I believe no one should have Amy inflicted upon them, they did pay for the tickets. Would you walk out on a comic for something like this?

• Lest we think my technical criticisms of the presidential candidates is one-sided, it has been discovered that Trump's organization is using the Windows Server 2003 operating system. Again, my love for Windows aside, Microsoft discontinued support for Server 2003 last year. This is inexcusable.
• Speaking of which, my digestion has been interrupted by news that Hillary considered Bill or Melinda Gates as VP candidates. The Official Campaign Move would be Kill Bill. Bill Clinton reported to be nervous. Truly the Axis if Evil.

Pence Leaning on His Kaine

Cruise lines are banning Samsung Note 7s on their ships. Airlines are going there if not already. If I had one, I'd extend this to cars and houses. Probably pants and sidewalks too. Remember: they don't have to be on to catch fire. Kinda heartwarming when you think about it. New horror movie: Samsungs on a Plane.

• Speaking of Things, Animas insulin pumps can be hacked to deliver an overdose, via any of three vulnerabilities.  You have to remember that these devices need to have security built in and it is the responsibility of the consumer to take reasonable steps to secure it from their end. At very least change the default password, search Duckduckgo.com or a lesser search engine for  known vulnerabilities. Interestingly, all of the hacks make use of the unit's wireless capabilities. This can be done anywhere from 1-2KM (.86-1.574 miles) from the unit. In an unusual step, the manufacturer has gone public with the hack and posted a fix.
• Funny cartoon on what happens when you use 'connected' appliances.

If you have a Yahoo email account, know that Yahoo was forced to comply with a FISA court (government) demand to scan all email for a 'terrorist signature'. The order prevented Yahoo from disclosing anything relating to it. I previously recommended changing passwords due to the Yahoo hack. Now I'm recommending that you close your Yahoo account to let them know how you feel about Secret Email Scanning and security vs liberty. I'm closing mine.

• I've recommended the encrypted texting app Signal since I discovered it. I use it as my only chat app. You should too. It is a drop-in replacement for your existing chat and encrypts any text sent to a person also running Signal. If they don't have Signal, it works as normal but isn't encrypted. So install it and tell your friends. There's now a desktop version, although I'm not sure I need to text from my desktop. The app exists as a Chrome plugin, which is a shame, as I primarily use Firefox.  The phone app runs on android and the other operating system that shall not be named. Being a Chrome plugin, it will run on any desktop operating system that has a Chrome or Chrome-based browser.
• Why do I need encrypted texting or browsing, lefty? Certainly not because I'm doing anything wrong but because privacy is a right. If you don't use your rights, you lose them. Plus it's nobody's business what you're doing.

I invented a food. Yes, little old me. We were at a late night dinner after a gig. I got those wide-flat french fries, which are generally tasteless and require salt. The salt was hidden down at the other end of the table, because you don't want to put too much salt on a large table of diners. Fortunately, sitting next to me was a young lady who had ordered a Greek(?) salad. She did not like anchovies, so she left them in a pile next to the plate. Hmmm.... no salt... anchovies... and now we have Anchovy Fries. Since most people tend to hate anchovies, this will be of absolutely no use to them, but I don't care - I invented something. It was borderline clever, like me.

• A new study has linked birth control pills to depression. Is nothing sacred? Think of how depressed you'll be if birth control fails...
• Speaking of depression, a lot of antidepressants have the lovely side effect of sexual dysfunction. This can range from some libido loss to complete libido loss and/or inability to function in males and females. Wanna talk about depression? And btw, these side effects start immediately, where the antidepression effect can take weeks.

You may want to seriously consider who you're burgling.  Two miscreants broke into a house to burgle. What they didn't know is that the house belonged to America's most prolific gay sex predator. I can't read the article but I bet it's full of gay sex predator goodness, complete with picture of the fella, complete with cigar. And when I say cigar.... I mean cigar.

• I'm not sure if this would be called Butt Shaming or not, but a UK student got a vibrator stuck up her bum during sex. She rated her own article (with G-rated pictures) in one of Englands many rags. This may be the difference between the US and the UK. In the US, there would be a lot of whispering among medical people. In the UK, she gets her own story, complete with pictures from the hospital bed. They even have one of the boyfriend. You decide which is the better country.

Amazon, everybody's favorite shop for just about everything, has stopped selling a 'sexy burka' Halloween costume because it's racist. We know it's going to get worse before it goes away somehow. First it was American Indian references, now Muslim garb.  What's next - cowboys? Buzz Lightyear unfair to astronauts? Richard Nixon (and ghosts) unfair to the dead?

• Kazakhstan's president, Nursultan Nazarbayev, is being treated for a cold. Stay tuned - leaders being treated for minor ailments are usually in trouble. I'd include a link but the page is in Kazakhstani. If you can read Kazakstani, let me know. Better yet, don't.

Award for Excellent Corporate Citizen goes to Samsung, which just pulled its fire-prone Note 7 from the market. Several weeks after it started catching fire. Samsung said to turn off original and replacement devices. As reported here, turning them off doesn't make a difference: they catch fire anyway (like the one on the plane). Perhaps the returned units will catch fire in transit, making things just that much more exciting.

• IMPORTANT GOOGLE ACTION REQUIRED: go to this site and tighten up your Google security if you have a Gmail account or deal with Google at all. It's all explained for mortals. Please.

Speaking of Google, Yahoo wants to spy on people through billboards, via microphones and cameras which might be on the sign on in nearby drones. Hell approacheth.

Pressure Cooking

Today's hottest  gift: Schroedinger's Pressure Cooker. It's a pressure cooker that's sealed, so there could be very unpleasant material inside or not.

Nancy Pelosi (D-Hell) has called for sensible pressure cooker legislation. Also a waiting period for the purchase of pressure cookers.

• Remember the exploding Samsung phone battery that allegedly set some guy's car on fire?  Firefighters determined that the phone was not the cause of the fire, although they're not sure what was the cause of the fire. It's kinda like pressure cooker bombs: when they explode, no one knows what they are, but they're sure it's not terrorism.

Our good friends and "protectors" at DHS let hundreds of illegal immigrants from dangerous countries become citizens because they neglected to check their fingerprints. Two of them got jobs at secure areas of airports.  Do you feel protected yet?  Once again, Security Theater.

• Kellogg has recalled around 10,000 cases of Eggo Nutri-Grain Whole Wheat Waffles in 25 states including New York that could be tainted with the bacteria listeria. The recall will affect no one, because who the hell would eat whole wheat waffles?

We've been hearing about the many benefits of turmeric lately, from depression to cancer. Someone actually did a study on it. Very interesting results..

• The Kaepernick protest is spreading to high schools, where students are refusing to stand for the national anthem. The NFL previously decreed that, in order to avoid conflict, their players will do The Wave during the anthem. Unfortunately, some sat out the Wave. Some 'took a knee,' which was stopped when the atheists poured Gatorade on them. Reportedly, next week, Kaepernick will nail himself to a cross during the anthem, on national tv. Not to be ignored, the cheerleaders of both teams will come together in a rare show of unity and launch fireworks out of their buttocks.
• I think the only true way to handle this, aside from sitting down and shutting up, is for both teams to blow themselves up. This way we won't have to deal with football any longer, the fans get a great fireworks show, and the problem takes care of itself.
• Your mileage may vary. Any recovered body parts are property of the NFL and may not be used without its expressed written permission.
• BREAKING NEWS: Kaepernick is now dead, replaced by the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie divorce. This will mask any real issues for weeks at very least!

Hackers have taken over a Tesla while it was moving. They got into the car's web browser (because all cars need a web browser) and obtained control of the car. Now let's face it, owning a Tesla will not be a problem for most people reading this blog, but don't think this kind of control isn't coming to Normal Cars soon.

• A Muslim refugee boat captain threw six Christians to their death because he blamed them for the rough seas. History has seen Christians do some pretty unsavory things but I'd hazard a guess that if they're on a refugee boat, they in fact have very little control over the weather. Even if they're not on a refugee boat. But let's not blame the Muslim- it's his culture.

"It's on because I'm waiting for my program to come on in a few minutes," which was my wife's excuse for the appearance of Dancing with the Stars on our tv. Since I don't have a DWTS filter for the tv, it proceeded to interrupt my surfing (laptop and couch-sitting). It's even worse than I thought. 

• Hell Update: work has mandated the use of iDevices. It was delivered the other day and, as I thought, it burned my skin. The advice from everyone up the chain was to leave it in its box. Since I require one feature of the device, this is not possible. We switched from Crappy Old Phones because iDevices could perform some feat not available in the Crappy Old Phones. The iDevice features this feat, but fails on one other, very important, area.
• To its credit, it started right up. And that's about it.
• Perhaps knowing how I feel about it, I can get no further with the alleged phone. In fact, nobody on two helpdesks or even Live Humans can make the thing work.
• I went Right To The Top, to the email administrator of the Whole Shebang. He's out for the week, perhaps the month.
• Some genius Up Top one day decided we need to use these infernal devices. No testing, no documentation, no training, no luck. Just GET IT DONE. As you'd imagine, everybody under this genius, which would be everybody in the entire company, is suffering for it. And did I mention that it has to be done within the next three days?
• So aside from the fact that my phone doesn't work and I can't get email, the job is looking up. The interesting part of all of this is that nothing is out of the norm.
• BUT WAIT!!! It gets better... in order to make my Work Phone work, I have to enter my Personal Credit Card. This is not Work-this is Apple. F-ing ridiculous. The Stupid - It Hurts....
• If Apple is trying to recruit me or even just get me to use its products, it's not doing a wonderful job. I'd rather have a Samsung and take my chances with it spontaneously combusting.

I have a very useful pair of bluetooth headphones with a mic. They actually take a while to power up - I suspect they have tiny little tubes inside them, which need to warm up before the bluetooth is ready.

• In case you're keeping score, like me, at work: I can't get email at my desk, my phone doesn't work, and no one can install any programs remotely, least of all me. Aside from that, it's a great place to work.

Ahmad Khan Rahami, charged with the New York and New Jersey bombings was found to have jihad videos on his YouTube account, as well as Judge Judy videos. I'd string him up for the Judge Judy videos alone.

Please, nooooooooo!!!!

Muppet Paws Strikes Again

An Ikea museum has opened in Sweden, celebrating the firm's history. Next month, K-Mart is opening a similar museum. In a restroom somewhere in Detroit.

• Been thinking of a new pet for Marshall. The idea of a sloth is interesting. Even if you go to sleep for the night, he'll only get ten feet total from the bed.

During a planned active shooter drill at Andrews Joint Base, an real life active shooter alert was called. The base reported it. The press reported it. The Secretary of Defense reported it. And hour later, the alert was called off, stating it was a planned active shooter drill. Because the base, the press and the Secretary of Defense don't know and can't tell the difference. Nothing to see here - move along.

• According to a Baltimore professor, white people need to give all their money to black people. You can't even write parody as good as real life anymore.

Although we know that Faceyspaces is inherently evil, statistics dictate that some of the people here use it. I won't call you out by name (because I don't know it) but I'd like to share with you this guide to FB security settings.

• Over 100 women posed naked against Trump in front of the Republican National Convention. This is a short-term goal for me that's close to my heart.
• Speaking of the RNC, as we'd expect, it started with a prayer. Yeah, separation at its finest. Also, one of the featured speakers is from Duck Dynasty. That's putting your best foot forward, guys.

Did you know that your plane cannot take off until they're sure the coffee maker works?
I suspect they fear armed insurrection if it doesn't.

• I was told a long time ago that guitar players got all the girls. And I hear that women love a sense of humor. I should be doing better than Leo DiCaprio at this point...

A man shot at two teens playing Pokemon, mistaking them for intruders. I say he didn't mistake them, which makes it a service to the neighborhood.

• In the oasis of Afghanistan, a pregnant fourteen year old girl was burned to death in an 'honor killing'.  What other religion has these advantages... you can impregnate an underage girl then kill her for having sex and being pregnant?

Exercise, they said...the doc told me it would be a good idea. So I bought a stepper, assembled it with a lot of screaming, and proceeded to go against everything I stood for. It was horrible.

Back at the doctor's, he asked how it was coming. I told him exactly how it was going: I got on the stepper and watched every second go by, calculating how long it would take til I could stop. The doctor, bless his soul, said that if exercise caused me this kind of grief, I shouldn't do it.

I now have Doctor's Advice not to exercise. My life is complete.

Go outside, they said.. feeling brave, I took the dog out back. Smelling the air, post heatwave, I looked around at my back yard (that I hate because I have to mow it). There sure were a lot of trees that I didn't know existed. They provided needed shade. I began to think that maybe I could spend a few minutes out there, maybe with a laptop (there's no helping me). 

Feeling positive, we went back inside, to the air conditioning... where I noticed the itching, where several bugs bit my legs. Up and down. 

Now I need a doctor's note to keep me inside, on my glorious couch.  

Bin Laden and Kennedy, Together Again

Pardon my skepticism upon hearing that Osama bin Laden, CIA asset, has been not only killed, but buried at sea.

As a patriotic American, I felt a twinge of interest at the news, but then my rational thinking kicked in, eliciting my normal brand of skepticism and sarcasm.  My poor wife, who gave me the news of OBL's death, kept reiterating that she was just passing on the news, as I snickered repeatedly.

Remember that John F. Kennedy was buried at sea.   Funny that; the chance of autopsy or any testing at all becomes naught once a body is `buried' at sea.  Now we have a pretty good idea that the Kennedy affair did not go entirely as stated, he said, with typical British understatement (even though he was not British).  I am forced to suspect that OBL's funeral was more of the same.

The stated reason for burial was that the muslim religion wants to bury the body within twenty four hours.  Wasn't it incredibly considerate of the government to observe muslim tradition?  I wonder why they just didn't put the body in the ground, like most other muslim funerals.

Just for your amusement, I present a report from Fox News from 2001, stating that bin Laden had died.  And another stating that he is in very poor health.  Not to mention many reports about failed audio analyses and strange `current' pictures with different size noses over the years.

Many friends have asked me the big Why Now question.  Well, I can't say exactly, but watch and learn.  See what happens as a result.  Already the terror threat level has been ratcheted through the ceiling.  This is either a distraction or to someone's benefit.  Remember: follow the money.

And speaking of distractions, how about that wedding?

Q. What is the definition of wedding?

A.  Funeral where you can smell your own flowers.