Please - I Beg You: Do Not Eat Buildings

Your love is like  a peaceful Antifa riot

• DEFINITION: debate - the sound of 2 people lying

Russian interference in the upcoming elections continues, with 2 sightings of American flags outside Russian houses.

A Place for Everything. That changes daily.  

Mrs lefty is 'cleaning'.   [insert serious music]

This is not to say she doesn't clean... it just looks different from other people's cleaning.

Men have a generic disposition toward not being able to find stuff. I can't explain it - it just is. This is immediately made worse when my wife moves stuff. It is then made impossible because she doesn't know where she put it.

Hey Honey, where's the bbq sauce?

On the rack. 

I'm looking on the rack and there's no bbq sauce.

Harumph. [looks on rack] I thought it was on the rack, but it's not here.

Now I feel a little better, but I still need bbq sauce.

Last time someone didn't put the lid on and it exploded across the floor.

Ah, I didn't know that. But I still need the sauce.

Try this.

I don't like that - that's your sauce.

I think I have some downstairs, next to the washer.

I don't want to trouble you, so next time I'll look next to the washer. Am I likely to find other stuff next to the washer, like milk or frozen burgers?

No, that stuff doesn't go there. Where were you raised, Kentucky? 

As a matter of fact, I spent some time in Kentucky, and made it out anyway. This morning I couldn't find the creamer.

That's because it's on the floor, in the bathroom.

Do I want to know why creamer is in the bathroom?

I was cleaning.

Let me see if I can follow this... the creamer was on the table, but you moved it to the kitchen because the container needed to be cleaned?

No, I moved it to the kitchen because the sugar container needed to be cleaned.

Ok, that makes perfect sense. How did the creamer wind up in the bathroom?

That's easy - I was cleaning the kitchen.

I will never understand what things are like in your world.

You don't want to.

I have to go now. Mrs lefty's phone alarm is going off. Unfortunately, she's in bed and the phone's near me. Now I have to get up and wake her. If this is a Process, it's brilliant: she sleeps through alarms, but not if I wake her. But it's not a Process - she just forgot to take her phone to bed. I married a brilliant woman.. we just have no idea where she went.

The Process of cleaning is also fascinating.

Half of the cleaning in one room gets done, then it's outside for some needed mowing and shining up the ICBMs. For our entire marriage, she has insisted that this is the only way she can clean - bits at a time, then bits somewhere else. 

I go along with this because I like my private parts.

After mowing, it's off to visit some family. Then shopping. Then spending huge amounts of money at the vet for Doggy X-rays, to make sure Penny doesn't have any more cancer (she came with that name - we wanted Sybil). The end result of this is an entire house half-cleaned. "But I can only do it this way," she tells me. And how's that workin' out for ya? Half the living room is spotless. Unfortunately we occupy the other half.

At this point, you're asking yourself what kind of motherf-er doesn't help his wife clean? The kind who knows what's good for him, that's what kind. I tried a long time ago and am lucky to have gotten away with my head. If I move her Stuff, she will no longer know where it is (even if I put it by the washer). This caused great unrest with the troops, so I only touch my stuff. Sometimes she touches my stuff too, and not in a pleasing way. My head starts hurting and I'm forced to ask her why she touches my stuff, when there's an entire room full of her stuff. I can't tell you the answer because I don't want your head to hurt too.

I have an idea.... I'm going to get the front end loader (from the bathroom) and gently front end load into boxes. She won't remember what was there and I'll be the hero (until she can't find her extensive collection of WWII rations figurines). So if there are no blog updates after tomorrow, I'll be dead and you'll never find my body (even by the washer).

The Flying AIDS is having effects on Thanksgiving, with 30% taking guests' temperature before letting them in.

Aunt Bertha, so great to see you! Stand still, so this nice man from Homeland Security can take your temperature. Here - install this tracking app.

Over 50% say they're enforcing social distancing at their next party.

Cindy... if you're going to suck face with Bob, do it from at least 6' away.

Almost 50% are keeping comprehensive lists of attendees, in case of trouble.

The FBI is in a tizzy, because it's their job, unless it's phone calls and emails, in which case it's the NSA. Neither agency has had turkey in 50 years.

40% are having virtual Thanksgiving this year.

No, Uncle Stewart, for the 40th time, I cannot pass you the pig head.
Gee, this virtual Thanksgiving thing sure was a nifty idea. I think I've officially started my seasonal depression!  Hey kids... let's play video games! Oh. Hey, did you ever hear the one about..YES-YOU TELL US EVERY TIME YOU SEE US. Who's at the door? SHHHHHHH - quick,under the table... I think it's antifa.


Irony: I'm the best person in the world to invite to your party because I never leave the house to pick up the Flying AIDS. I'm also the least likely to show up. Never mind.

• Trumpie quit the 2nd debate and said Obama should be arrested.
• He's at least 50% right and, as usual, entertaining.
• Nothing of significance is learned from debates. He can continue to work and cause further damage, and/or hilarity.

Here's lefty's Election Guide - a non-partisan, hopefully helpful look at what you'll get with each candidate:

• Trump: 4 more years of unending whining, re-impeachment trials, pre-impeachment trials, and absolutely no work done by Congress except expanding the debt.
• Biden: President Harris, government expansion, tax expansion, debt expansion
• Jo Jorgensen: smaller government, lower taxes, and Spike Cohen as VP. Spike was just added to the smallest book ever - "Jewish People Named Spike".
• As you make your decision, remember: the debt is now larger than the economy. This fact belongs to no party or individual.

Today I identify as  the last laptop you broke and threw out

Dear lefty

• What did you do over the 3 day weekend?
• The Universe found out and gave me a fever. And the room spins more than normal. I don't mind - I haven't been to the amusement park in a long time.

• I was thinking... (uh-oh)... I'm tired of seeing a speaker with a sign language interpreter next to him/her. You can click a button and get it on your tv. Perhaps we should make things more interesting.. a woman converting the speech into interpretive dance. With very little clothing. Whatever the speaker has to say probably isn't that important anyway...

I'm still so broken up about Eddie Van Halen that I can't be bothered to come up with any 'comforting Valerie Bertinelli' jokes.

• Birds are crashing into New York City buildings in record numbers
• ISIS!!!! bin Ladin!!!!
• Halliburton just won a $12 billion contract to study how the birds work and develop a defense

(Bloomberg) -- Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said the U.S. and China must establish rules of engagement for their increasingly tense competition or risk recreating the uncertainty that characterized global politics leading up to World War I.

Pro Tip: Cancel your China trip. NOW.
If Henry mentions it, it's in the works.
Henry's 97. Those reptilians live forever.

• There are cotton candy grapes. I kid you not. Guess what they taste like...

I now have my first transexual in the extended family. It's a milestone.
It took a while too. I thought the kid was just gay, but apparently this issue is going to cost a lot more than regular old gay. It's not unreasonable for me to think gay, because his school pictures include his arts posse, none of which has natural hair or clothing. No girlfriend - ever. No boyfriend either.

Let's think about this seriously...
Can you imagine the conversation with your child?
"Hey Mom.... got a thing to tell you. No big deal. I'm trans and taking hormones."
[Law and Order noise]
Uh....
Check out this new dress. And these C's.  Uh - Dad's not impressed. I think the phrase was 'Get outta here, you stupid, dress-wearing faggot'."
That's terrible - I'll have a talk with him. So, uh, how did this come about?"
"Well, I don't care about operating the remote control, I can organize a house and know where everything is, and I think Johnny Depp is HOT."
What will you do with your male bit?
"I'm going to cut it off, bronze it, and put it on the mantle as a trophy."
I see.
"We can wear the same size! Let's go shopping!"
"Please forgive me - I don't hear this every day. I have to pull my head back off the ceiling. By the way, lefty says if you turn out really hot, he'll do you."
"I don't know... I've known him since I was little... he's.... umm.... too big, yeah, that's it, too big. And he's almost family - that would be like incest. You've told me all my life not to f*ck family."

And what are we supposed to do - send a card?

Hallmark's jumping for joy at all the new cards....
Congrats on cutting your dick off
Careful of the bees - the boo-bees
Are You Still Going to Fix My Car?
Sorry I gave you herpes
Happy Non-Binary Birthday
Black Lives Matter, but you matter most

How about a Victoria's Secret gift card? (do I really want to think about this?)
A $100 certificate to Breasts R Us?
Shoe Warehouse?

I am not prepared for this.


---> But seriously.... can you imagine feeling like you're in the wrong body?
I'm in the wrong body. Mine should be good looking.

Happys 

Johnny Ramone

CJ Ramone

Cindy Ramone

Antler Ramone

That John Lennon guy
John Entwistle - The Who

Not So Happys 

BJ Wilson - drummer - Procol Harum

SJW Silliness 

VP debate: Did gender play a role in the [debate] interruptions?

I Got a Job Hammering Dulcimers

Your love is like mayonnaise on peanut butter



Dear lefty

• Why do people from other countries come to this blog?
• clicking on bad links, searches for service elephants, 3D printed chicken nuggets, the Ministry of Silly Hats, boob-shaming, or bladder leak underwear 

Russian interference in the election continues, with the revelation that thousands of Russians watched the debates. [Stosh said to Pavlov, "If Americans believe this iznuryat, they're interfering in their own election."]

In other Cyrillic news, Russia plans to release the early Flying AIDS vaccine data. Aside from the fact that the vaccine doesn't work and it's too early to have accurate results, the vaccine is a big success.

There are very slight differences between Russian and American governments. A rocket launches, then promptly fails to remain airborne, crashing into a small city. In Russia, the event never happened. In America, the crash is highly publicized, the government pays millions to the city, and the budget for NASA is increased by billions because of redacted for national security reasons.

• Credit where it's due: a senator asked the Department of Homeland Security if foreign-controlled browser extensions threatened the US. I think most of Congress couldn't identify a browser extension, so kudos to him.

If you think you have to get up early, witness the plight of Space Station astronauts, who were awakened to look for an air leak.

Uhhhh.... Space Station.. this is Houston. THIS IS HOUSTON. GET UP, SLEEPYHEADS. Sorry to wake you, but it seems there's a bit of an air leak we'd like you to locate. No problem if you don't want to get up, but don't expect to get up again. Ever.



Eating at the Blue Sign

Recently we went out for dinner, to iHops, for pancakes. They're starting to allow dine-in (picking up pancakes to eat at home just doesn't seem right, plus we lost the ancient recipe to make them at home). They almost seemed surprised that we wanted to eat-in. The atmosphere was pretty creepy or downright silly, depending on your point of view. The buffer between aisles was covered with huge rows of plastic wrap. I suspect that this was not for wrapping up your food for the dog. There were 2 other diners, seated roughly a half mile apart, to satisfy social-distancing regulations.

The menu went from a hardback 23 page, full-color spread to a nearly colored table mat. Oddly, they still had our favorites, along with deep-fried chicken, deep-fried burgers, deep-fried grease bits, and one chicken sandwich that wasn't deep fried (it came wrapped in bacon). I particularly love the mandatory caloric information next to each dish, along with the occasional SODIUM WARNING. This was added by nosy, busybody politicians, because people don't know that chocolate chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate whipped cream, floating in Real Imitation Maple Syrup is high in calories and not particularly good for you. My favorite thing on the menu was the discovery that the healthy pancakes had more calories than the chocolate ones. The only WARNING missing was that you should avoid the iced tea lemonade unless you enjoy the taste of convenience store plastic bottled lemonade. I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect the eggs come from cardboard or plastic containers, containing the minimum amount of Egg Product allowed by the Food and Drug Administration. They taste sorta like egg-like substance, but not enough for me to order one. Mrs lefty likes the pancakes that smile at you, if only as a reminder to take her meds.

We got the finest plastic silverware: it was black, in support of Black Lives Matter. It came in its own, germ-resistant plastic packet. The waitress asked us if we had iPhones, because we could order online. Everybody vigorously shook their heads no. Aren't we paying for (and tipping) a waitress? The instructions said that we had to enable location, wireless, and give it full access to our addressbooks. I was beginning to think we were at a walk-in Faceyspaces. Aside from the plastic-wrapped dividers, the waitresses were all wearing masks. We felt particularly protected, especially when we saw all the waitresses were not covering their noses with their masks. Remember the choice of syrups in those wicked containers that were usually close to empty? The waitress brought out 2 small, round, almost to-go containers of maple syrup only.  Someone complained the coffee was watery. Well, you like convenience store coffee, so why are you complaining? It's all colored water anyway.

Fortunately the food was the same as we remembered it, even if it was served on small paper plates, delivered by a waitress from 6' away, with some sort of long-arm contraption so she didn't have to get anywhere near us. I don't blame her, but for other reasons.... I wouldn't want to wait on me either. I don't look like the kind of person you'd want to wait on, in spite of my sweet, genteel manner, good looks, and refined fashion sense. On my best behavior, I didn't curse out loud once, attracting the attention of the entire restaurant.

Between 2 recent excursions to eat at restaurants, I decided to give up until the Flying AIDS has passed and we can all eat together, with metal silverware and waitresses that aren't afraid to come near the tables. Then I can go back to complaining about the noisy little f-ers that always get seated next to us, whose parents seem unaware of their screaming, which can be heard over a plane taking off (or an Ozzy concert).

• Tesco, One of the World's Largest Supermarket Operators, Sets 300% Sales Target For Plant-Based Alternatives To Meat
• Unfortunately, Tesco's customers set a 300% sales loss, because the stuff tastes like meat-flavored plants, only not as good.

Noted scientist, virologist, and war criminal, Bill Gates, has come up with a 3 point plan to rid the world of the Flying AIDS. Many suggest we'd be better off ridding the world of Bill Gates.

With the lack of actual ticket sales and running out of government bailout money, airlines are running Fights to Nowhere. You get on the plane, take off, see some stuff, then land. Highlights include:

• higher ticket prices than Flights to Somewhere
• that same airline food you know and love
• DISCLAIMER: if you bring luggage, there is no guarantee it will be lost
• the Miss Arizona SCUBA Team pageant
• TSA screening takes no time, including the prostate check (you too, ladies) 
• with early booking, you can request a child to scream and kick your seat, or a grossly overweight person to sit next to you
• No masks required on Covid flights
• Deplaning made faster and easier. With parachutes.

Because California has been out of the Crazy News for a few days, they just announced they'll house prisoners based on gender identity, not biological sex. Are they going to provide runways for prisoners who identify as F-15s? 

• Kylie Jenner's makeup company warns of a data breach.
• Asked for comment, Ms. Jenner said, "What's a data breach?"

Happys 

Buddy Rich - the drummer

Johnny Mathis - chances are he's 85

Marc Bolan - no longer banging a gong

Less Happys 

Mac Davis - heart surgery a few days ago

Mary Ford - wife of Les Paul, helluva player

Black Lives Matter have chartered a Russian Rocket (because American rockets are full of white privilege). They are planning to go into space and put on a massive protest because black holes are racist.

Pundits say the protest will be marred because many have suggested BLM take a rocket somewhere anyway, and because black holes tend to suck anything around into them, especially Marxists. There is no way to peacefully set fire to a black hole, which will also come as a surprise to BLM.

No Elephant Parking

The president is holding a conference where I work!
I'm sure it has nothing to do with me being asked to take the day off with pay.
There is a poll on how many times he says 'the best xxx'. Another poll on which one of us can get some quality time interviewing Melania. And $1,000 to the person who asks if this is the first set of implants on a First Lady.

We had to cancel the poll about the media treating the First Lady like they did the former First Lady (fashion icon and all around wonderful person) because we couldn't find anyone who thought they would.



Election Overview

The 2020 election will make history.
There are 457 democrats running, Trump, maybe another republican for fun, and one of any number of Clintons. The Libertarians (my people) haven't selected a candidate, the Greens get less press than my people, and the Socialist Party refused to support Bernie because he's too socialist.



Dear lefty:

• Why are there red spots on my wee wee?
• Because you'll nail anything that will stay still for 30 seconds.

Best Headline: "Tornado of poop" hits Massachusetts town after overpressurized sewage line experiences severe blockage.  Everyone wants to be California.

• Debate Season: when you watch these travesties (from any party), listen to the empty promises, some which don't align with reality, and ask yourself what the person has already done about the promise. The answer is nothing.
• Note the naked pandering.
• Remember the last debates. Remember the promises. Do you remember any results?
• Remember the hot air about things getting better when the opposite party gets into office. What happened? What are you being told now? Same thing.
• Our memories are short - about four years. Let's go over the script and decide to do something different. If we don't change our actions, we won't change the endless cycle of the same results.

A political parody, not too far from truth

Recently, Amelia Octavia Complex, democrat and Trump admirer, compared the illegal alien holding facilities to Auschwitz.  Her party did not take the statement lightly but used the opportunity to complain about the facilities. After Trump had them moved, Pelosi and Schumer were apoplectic because the illegals didn't get cable. After Trump gave them each $25,000 out of his own pocket, Pelosi publicly vilified the president for going outside government channels.

Trump put the illegal aliens up in his hotels, which drew the ire of Schumer, because they had a lot of stairs to walk down if the elevators broke, and still no cable. A problem solver, Trump built each of the illegals a house, again out of his pocket. The entire democratic party screamed, "IMPEACH" because the houses weren't in nice enough neighborhoods, and they still had no cable. No sane person should tolerate this. As a final move, the president gave all illegal aliens citizenship, expecting Pelosi would finally be satisfied. Pelosi stammered and shook, saying that illegal aliens should not get instant citizenship; instead, they needed to go through the official immigration process.

• Pro Tip: stay out of the Dominican Republic

Good Morning, Vietnam. Good Night, Georgia

For tax and other reasons, a lot of Hollywood's filming moved from Los Angeles to Georgia. They were doing well. Since Georgia passed the anti-abortion law, many businesses are boycotting, among them, some of the film industry.  It will be very interesting to see the end result of the boycotts. May the bite you take out of your own ass be large and painful, Georgia.

• My carbon footprint is size 11

Let me put your day in perspective

Penny just returned from a chemo treatment.
There was a couple who was looking after their mom's dog while she was in the hospital. They got a call that Mom died. Then a staff member came out to tell them the dog died.

Stay close to your people and pets. Appreciate them every day. You never know...

• Angela Merkel (R-Germany) has been seen with really bad tremors. It was so bad, her assistant mistakenly called her Hillary. The staff said it was hot outside and she was dehydrated. 
• Like you, I've seen a lot of people in hot weather (except my Siberian readers), none with serious body tremors. It was painful to watch.

Politics is Politics:

The British liberal party just accused the conservative party of being the party of antisemitism. Sound familiar?

This shouldn't be a problem in a country where it's against the law to say anything bad about anybody online.

• This week's Word We Can Live Without: staycation

SJW News

Toy Story 4 slammed for 'lack of lead black characters and disablism'

The knitting community is dealing with racism.
While they're at it, they banned pro-Trump content.

• An Alabama Ford dealer offered a free shotgun, bible, and American flag when buying a new vehicle.  The promotion stopped abruptly, when Ford Motor Company asked them to STOP IT.
• It's not like the items aren't going to be in the vehicle the next day anyway..

and Leon's getting larrrrrger!

I Have an Adverse Relationship with Mondays

Tired of paying ridiculous rates and sky-high deductibles for Obamacare? I am.
Leaping into inaction, our friends in government have provided us with another option: the Simple Choice plan. This plan will cover basic services without a deductible. The Federal Government set the deductible and copays but not the rates, meaning they don't expect it to have much/any difference in rates. Again: the people responsible should be punished for this NOW, before they slither away into forgotten history.

• According to research, milk from Tasmanian Devils could be a useful weapon against antibiotic-resistant superbugs. Yeah, you go collect it from them.

A 79 year old exorcist, Fr Vincenzo Taraborelli, says it's becoming difficult to find younger recruits.

Good... c'mon... exorcism? Let's burn some witches while we're at it.

• The Pentagon declined to say whether the USS Mason destroyer was targeted by multiple inbound missiles fired from Yemen, saying a review was underway to determine what happened. Because sometimes it's difficult to tell if missiles hit your ship.

Have you been feeling a bit weird lately and you can't put your finger on it? With the aid of drivers licenses, the Feds have put together a 177 million person database of faces and you didn't know about it. This is about half of the US population. Read it and weep.

• Mornings are ... problematic

Online dating? You might want to avoid Nicole, who is looking to steal a few of your vital organs.

• How bout that last debate? The upside is that the nation can now go on calmly, secure in the knowledge that there won't be another one.

I'm trying to figure out what's worse: whether composer David Teie has released an album for cats or that it is #1 on the charts.

• Over on Reddit, there is a section devoted to popping pimples and blackheads and whatever else. There are pictures and, heaven forbid, videos. Enjoy your breakfast.

Now appearing, in my bathroom, is a new cordless phone. It is currently charging. In most other houses, this would probably be a good thing, except possibly for the location. Last week I discovered that neither of us knows how or why the phone got there. Nobody bought it, put it there, or plugged it in. And when I say nobody, I mean the people and hopefully not the dog, who, as far as I know, cannot (yet) order with a credit card or shop in stores. Or at least that's what he tells us. It's a Radio Shack phone, which makes it even more interesting, as most have closed and I don't know where there might be an open one. Further, the existing phone seems to work just fine.  So there we go. I wish guitars would just appear like that.

• An Ohio woman has been accused of smothering her three sons over a 13 month period 'so they didn't grow up to abuse' women.  The Social Justice Warrior program has officially crossed the Nuts Barrier<tm>. What kind of brain issue would cause a mother to murder her children? What kind of defense will she mount - temporary 13 month insanity? As far as I know, there's no Social Justice Defense (yet). Whatever kind of brainwashing she received is becoming way too common. I hate to say it but this is the start of something legally reprehensible. Maybe it will spawn legal justification for men to murder their wives: "Your Honor, I was afraid she was becoming a Social Justice Warrior and needed to protect my children."

Leaping on the train, so to speak, Amtrak has banned the Samsung Galaxy Note 7. The line is getting longer... on January 2, the Obama administration will ban it also. The Department of Homeland Security will list the Samsungs as Weapons of Mass Destruction, putting the Samsung factory in danger of being droned. Still.. could be worse... could be an iDevice.

• “Is your refrigerator running?” 
• Goes and checks. 
• “Yes?” “It’s attacking France. You’re under arrest.”

Whoever says that government does not get things done is not paying attention to New York's Second Avenue Subway. The new line's first leg should start in December, but could be delayed. The project dates to the 1920s.

• While driving, I heard something about the Philadelphia Eagles winning a game. Philly remains certain that this will be rectified by the next game. This will not, however, deter people from buying season tickets and seats that cost $250, plus $25-50 parking and $8 squirrel urine, disguised as beer.

There was a horrible bus crash on a Los Angeles highway, with 13 people killed. The good news, however, was pictures of one guy, stuck in unmoving traffic, getting three phone numbers from attractive ladies who were also stuck. Reticent to use colloquialisms as I am, this guy got game.

• China's Communist Party punished more than one million officials for corruption. Say what you want about communism and China, we could certainly use some of that in the good old US of A.

Donald Trump says he can win the women's vote. I suspect this will happen right after I start campaigning for Apple.

• The Senate will hold hearings on the AT&T-Time Warner merger. Any guesses as to how it will come out?

Pennsylvania's own former attorney general, Kathleen Kane, is due to be sentenced today for leaking grand jury information then lying about it to investigators. Her lawyers' plea is to give her probation or house arrest, because she has children. As far as I know, she had the children when she leaked the info.

UK police seek man in connection with clever theft of blinds

That's a Lot of Medicine for A Dog

One million Chinese-made devices have been hacked for massive internet attacks. This illustrates two things: avoid Chinese-made junk. And this is yet another example of Things To Come.

• There's a very interesting article on Delta's power outage in August. It claims that the problem was more of a cyber attack than a power outage. It makes good points. It also backs up what I've been saying about the event: it was not what they claimed. I stated that there had to be Serious Backups and Redundancies because this was Incredibly Important Infrastructure (and there was). This is not a good thing, especially combined with the fiber cuts in California and the ongoing probing of the power grid.

Kim K was robbed at gunpoint in France. She begged for her life, but more importantly, that the thieves not ruin her makeup or take a bad picture of her.

• October 3: the birthday of Saint Stevie Ray Vaughan. He would have been 62.

The Supreme Court has neglected to hear mobster Whitey "The Bulge" Bulger's appeal for killing eleven people. Whitey, 87, will have to spend the rest of his life in prison. His 100 year sentence will allow good-behavior probation in 5 years. Don't you wish, one day, to be as cool as Whitey and have a nickname like The Bulge? Maybe not so much ordering 11 people dead, but maybe knowing you could. The reason for the appeal was that Whitey claims to only have killed ten people, not eleven, hence his bid to have the entire case thrown out.

In case you're curious, the only parts of the above paragraph that are true are his conviction and life in prison.

• Three people who studied unusual states of matter have won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Well, it's not quite Obama's Peace Prize but it will have to do.

The only thing better than a presidential debate is a vice-presidential debate. If you don't believe me, watch it. In the interests of mental health, I'd avoid it. Update: Bill Weld, the libertarian candidate, isn't allowed to debate, like Gary Johnson, the presidential candidate.

But wait - what is this??? Trump's VP candidate, Pence, has a signature line is that he is "a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order." Uh-oh. I don't care what he wants to do in his spare time but this is a potential violation of the First Amendment.

• Don't ask how I know but my Bluetooth earphones at work reach into the bathroom. When I say the meeting is shit, I mean it.

Amnesty International has accused the world's wealthiest nations of shirking responsibility towards refugees, saying they host the fewest and do the least. No word yet from Amnesty on terrorist refugees.

• According to a study by 'Girlguiding,' girls in the UK are markedly less confident about their looks than they were five years ago.  No word yet on whether Girlguiding studies parents teaching self-esteem. I'm not particularly attractive but that's the way I am and I'm not likely to slit a wrist because I don't look like something from GQ (or MTV).

It's a good thing for Julian Assange that the embassy hasn't suffered a collapse into its own footprint. Yet.

• Marshall the cocker continues his health issues and our bid to cure him. He loves his new food - it's even better than cat food, and he LOVES cat food. He flatly refused the dry stuff, preferring to be hungry. The wet stuff is his favorite. The newer wet stuff causes diarrhea, His meds were no problem, as we put them in peanut butter. Now he's refusing the peanut butter, so he doesn't get breakfast until he's hungry enough to eat his meds. We really need to get him a dog but the wife is not happy with that idea and I like sleeping in my own bed.

Today's joke: a government worker makes it to his desk on time and performs his job.

Thank you. I'm available for children's parties.

• I know stats are the lifeblood of everything, so you'll want to know that 8 people accessed the blog yesterday. Cumulative stats (of who knows when - I don't have a need to know) are that the largest amount are from Poland, use Chrome and run linux. What does this mean? How the hell should I know - I'm just sharing info.

Are you ready for the Buzzword of the Day?

Bromosexual: a friendship between a straight man and a gay man.

Aren't you glad you asked?

Along with Buzzword of the Day, I give you Important Test of the Day.

At the Paris Motor Show, a BBC reporter tested cup holders in a range of cars.

Because, you know... this can be the tipping point in the decision of which super car to buy.

• If any of you are in the path of Hurricane Matthew, I need you to remain alive. Please be safe.

I Debate Your Position(s)

Reminder to change your Yahoo password. If you haven't, everybody else has it now.

• See that debate? Me either.  Useless pageantry. I can't stand the sound of two people lying. IIRC, Kennedy beat Nixon due to smoothness.
• There is a lot of arguing about who won the debate. Know who lost? The American people.

A very discrete, classy man was caught banging his girlfriend on a Greyhound bus. This is kind of the sort of thing one would expect from Greyhound, in addition to riding next to people who think they're Jesus or some other Major Religious Figure. Don't ask how I know. From the article, it's difficult to figure out whether the perceived offense is that he's having boom boom on a bus or that he didn't bother to pull her panties down. If the latter, I would argue that this is a much handier solution for a quickie on a public accommodation (or in someone's house where you shouldn't be). Of course this is all hearsay... I haven't been in this position. In fact, I haven't been in many positions, especially lately.

• The Bill Clinton Correlation: If it moves, nail it. If it doesn't move, nail it. And leave a stain to prove dominance.

Austrian customs officials found human intestines in a woman's luggage. She probably didn't know there were any laws against this sort of thing.

• In what must be a very important study, it was discovered that ants prefer morphine over sugar. As you'd expect, I'd go for sugar every time, as would the wife and dog.

If you us the Opera browser, the latest version includes a VPN.  This is a handy little security feature that will disguise your real IP address and location, as well as block tracking cookies. It can also allow you to get around some of the location-based blocking, such as the BBC allowing only UK to connect.

FINE PRINT: as the article explains, this is a VPN for the browser only. Anything else (email) you send through your connection will not go through the VPN. There's also the little matter of your data going through Opera's servers. I haven't been able to find anything on privacy policy or what/if they're examining anything. I did try it the other day and it works. Just don't go using it thinking you can hack away or Do Dirty Deeds while you're 'hidden'.

FINER PRINT: many browsers these days are based on Chrome (Iron, Chromium, Opera, and something new that begins with V). Chrome has a privacy issue, as it's Google code and it 'phones home'. Most people don't care, but naturally I do. Opera (and I believe the rest) are incredible memory hogs. They start ok then tend to suck up huge amounts of RAM over time. Ymmv but it IS a speedy little browser that accepts all Chrome extensions. I keep Firefox locked down and use Opera in a more open configuration.

• Here are 5 tools to help defend yourself online in terms of privacy. I use some different extensions but this is a great starting point. The EFF is a great resource.

Somehow reproductive scientists made a three-parent baby. What's next - group babies? Four parents and a dog? Giraffe babies bred specifically for basketball?

• Elon Musk, famous for being rich and having a very strange name and accent, announced that he wants to get humans to Mars, evenutally on a six month schedule. Mr Musk, I applaud you and have some suggestions on who to send.

Dancing with the Stars Live! is coming to a venue near me. I hope they have ambulances on hand to get help for the people slitting their own wrists.

• Dubai grounded all flights for half an hour because of unauthorized drone activity. Because it takes a special kind of idiot to fly a drone over an airport. I wonder if the special kind of idiot was us....

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH
An Australian man using a portable toilet on a building site was bitten by a venemous spider on his penis. For the second time. This dude might want to give up construction. Or Australia.

• A British conservationist is making a 4,500 mile paramotor flight following migrating swans. Apparently she has absolutely no life. Or she's married.

I have an adverse relationship with mornings.

• Once again, those wacky far-seeing fiscally responsible folks in Congress passed a spending bill. This last minute effort, as usual, will keep the government 'operating' until December. This is a new low, even for Congress. And, of course, another increase in spending up the debt.

Non-partisan political observation: the democrats are incredibly nervous about Trump and libertarians. They're bringing out the Big Guns - tv 'news', tv, newspapers, and even Mr+Mrs President. My theory is that this is good for the dems but in reality, it's being run by the Powers That Be, who are terrified of a candidate they don't own. Also, when they have to go after libertarians, things must be pretty bad for them. It's also interesting to note that things are roughly tied at this point: the 'standard' candidates can't pull off a lead. People must really be PISSED for this to happen. Regardless of candidates, this situation is good for America. People are waking up.

• Our friends over at Samsung are having a really bad year: as if exploding phones weren't bad enough, there is now a lawsuit over exploding washing machines. Perhaps all of their products should come with a fire extinguisher.

The gay pride rainbow flag has been launched into space 'to spread peace' (perhaps because it has done such a great job on the ground). Perhaps we'd be better served by launching ISIS into space.

• The latest threat facing our country is..... clowns. I am not kidding. Reports of threatening clowns are coming in from all over the country. They're getting arrested by the police. Clownphobics (coulrophobia) rejoice! I'm surprised the politicians aren't getting Tough On Clowns.

if we just change the date, it's Congress!