Your love is like a peaceful Antifa riot
- DEFINITION: debate - the sound of 2 people lying
Russian interference in the upcoming elections continues, with 2 sightings of American flags outside Russian houses.
A Place for Everything. That changes daily.
Mrs lefty is 'cleaning'. [insert serious music]
This is not to say she doesn't clean... it just looks different from other people's cleaning.
Men have a generic disposition toward not being able to find stuff. I can't explain it - it just is. This is immediately made worse when my wife moves stuff. It is then made impossible because she doesn't know where she put it.
Hey Honey, where's the bbq sauce?
On the rack.
I'm looking on the rack and there's no bbq sauce.
Harumph. [looks on rack] I thought it was on the rack, but it's not here.
Now I feel a little better, but I still need bbq sauce.
Last time someone didn't put the lid on and it exploded across the floor.
Ah, I didn't know that. But I still need the sauce.
Try this.
I don't like that - that's your sauce.
I think I have some downstairs, next to the washer.
I don't want to trouble you, so next time I'll look next to the washer. Am I likely to find other stuff next to the washer, like milk or frozen burgers?
No, that stuff doesn't go there. Where were you raised, Kentucky?
As a matter of fact, I spent some time in Kentucky, and made it out anyway. This morning I couldn't find the creamer.
That's because it's on the floor, in the bathroom.
Do I want to know why creamer is in the bathroom?
I was cleaning.
Let me see if I can follow this... the creamer was on the table, but you moved it to the kitchen because the container needed to be cleaned?
No, I moved it to the kitchen because the sugar container needed to be cleaned.
Ok, that makes perfect sense. How did the creamer wind up in the bathroom?
That's easy - I was cleaning the kitchen.
I will never understand what things are like in your world.
You don't want to.
I have to go now. Mrs lefty's phone alarm is going off. Unfortunately, she's in bed and the phone's near me. Now I have to get up and wake her. If this is a Process, it's brilliant: she sleeps through alarms, but not if I wake her. But it's not a Process - she just forgot to take her phone to bed. I married a brilliant woman.. we just have no idea where she went.
The Process of cleaning is also fascinating.
Half of the cleaning in one room gets done, then it's outside for some needed mowing and shining up the ICBMs. For our entire marriage, she has insisted that this is the only way she can clean - bits at a time, then bits somewhere else.
I go along with this because I like my private parts.
After mowing, it's off to visit some family. Then shopping. Then spending huge amounts of money at the vet for Doggy X-rays, to make sure Penny doesn't have any more cancer (she came with that name - we wanted Sybil). The end result of this is an entire house half-cleaned. "But I can only do it this way," she tells me. And how's that workin' out for ya? Half the living room is spotless. Unfortunately we occupy the other half.
At this point, you're asking yourself what kind of motherf-er doesn't help his wife clean? The kind who knows what's good for him, that's what kind. I tried a long time ago and am lucky to have gotten away with my head. If I move her Stuff, she will no longer know where it is (even if I put it by the washer). This caused great unrest with the troops, so I only touch my stuff. Sometimes she touches my stuff too, and not in a pleasing way. My head starts hurting and I'm forced to ask her why she touches my stuff, when there's an entire room full of her stuff. I can't tell you the answer because I don't want your head to hurt too.
I have an idea.... I'm going to get the front end loader (from the bathroom) and gently front end load into boxes. She won't remember what was there and I'll be the hero (until she can't find her extensive collection of WWII rations figurines). So if there are no blog updates after tomorrow, I'll be dead and you'll never find my body (even by the washer).
The Flying AIDS is having effects on Thanksgiving, with 30% taking guests' temperature before letting them in.
Aunt Bertha, so great to see you! Stand still, so this nice man from Homeland Security can take your temperature. Here - install this tracking app.
Over 50% say they're enforcing social distancing at their next party.
Cindy... if you're going to suck face with Bob, do it from at least 6' away.
Almost 50% are keeping comprehensive lists of attendees, in case of trouble.
The FBI is in a tizzy, because it's their job, unless it's phone calls and emails, in which case it's the NSA. Neither agency has had turkey in 50 years.
40% are having virtual Thanksgiving this year.
No, Uncle Stewart, for the 40th time, I cannot pass you the pig head.
Gee, this virtual Thanksgiving thing sure was a nifty idea. I think I've officially started my seasonal depression! Hey kids... let's play video games! Oh. Hey, did you ever hear the one about..YES-YOU TELL US EVERY TIME YOU SEE US. Who's at the door? SHHHHHHH - quick,under the table... I think it's antifa.
Irony: I'm the best person in the world to invite to your party because I never leave the house to pick up the Flying AIDS. I'm also the least likely to show up. Never mind.
- Trumpie quit the 2nd debate and said Obama should be arrested.
- He's at least 50% right and, as usual, entertaining.
- Nothing of significance is learned from debates. He can continue to work and cause further damage, and/or hilarity.
Here's lefty's Election Guide - a non-partisan, hopefully helpful look at what you'll get with each candidate:
- Trump: 4 more years of unending whining, re-impeachment trials, pre-impeachment trials, and absolutely no work done by Congress except expanding the debt.
- Biden: President Harris, government expansion, tax expansion, debt expansion
- Jo Jorgensen: smaller government, lower taxes, and Spike Cohen as VP. Spike was just added to the smallest book ever - "Jewish People Named Spike".
- As you make your decision, remember: the debt is now larger than the economy. This fact belongs to no party or individual.
Today I identify as the last laptop you broke and threw out
Dear lefty
- What did you do over the 3 day weekend?
- The Universe found out and gave me a fever. And the room spins more than normal. I don't mind - I haven't been to the amusement park in a long time.
- I was thinking... (uh-oh)... I'm tired of seeing a speaker with a sign language interpreter next to him/her. You can click a button and get it on your tv. Perhaps we should make things more interesting.. a woman converting the speech into interpretive dance. With very little clothing. Whatever the speaker has to say probably isn't that important anyway...
I'm still so broken up about Eddie Van Halen that I can't be bothered to come up with any 'comforting Valerie Bertinelli' jokes.
- Birds are crashing into New York City buildings in record numbers
- ISIS!!!! bin Ladin!!!!
- Halliburton just won a $12 billion contract to study how the birds work and develop a defense
(Bloomberg) -- Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said the U.S. and China must establish rules of engagement for their increasingly tense competition or risk recreating the uncertainty that characterized global politics leading up to World War I.
Pro Tip: Cancel your China trip. NOW.
If Henry mentions it, it's in the works.
Henry's 97. Those reptilians live forever.
- There are cotton candy grapes. I kid you not. Guess what they taste like...
I now have my first transexual in the extended family. It's a milestone.
It took a while too. I thought the kid was just gay, but apparently this issue is going to cost a lot more than regular old gay. It's not unreasonable for me to think gay, because his school pictures include his arts posse, none of which has natural hair or clothing. No girlfriend - ever. No boyfriend either.
Let's think about this seriously...
Can you imagine the conversation with your child?
"Hey Mom.... got a thing to tell you. No big deal. I'm trans and taking hormones."
[Law and Order noise]
Uh....
Check out this new dress. And these C's. Uh - Dad's not impressed. I think the phrase was 'Get outta here, you stupid, dress-wearing faggot'."
That's terrible - I'll have a talk with him. So, uh, how did this come about?"
"Well, I don't care about operating the remote control, I can organize a house and know where everything is, and I think Johnny Depp is HOT."
What will you do with your male bit?
"I'm going to cut it off, bronze it, and put it on the mantle as a trophy."
I see.
"We can wear the same size! Let's go shopping!"
"Please forgive me - I don't hear this every day. I have to pull my head back off the ceiling. By the way, lefty says if you turn out really hot, he'll do you."
"I don't know... I've known him since I was little... he's.... umm.... too big, yeah, that's it, too big. And he's almost family - that would be like incest. You've told me all my life not to f*ck family."
And what are we supposed to do - send a card?
Hallmark's jumping for joy at all the new cards....
Congrats on cutting your dick off
Careful of the bees - the boo-bees
Are You Still Going to Fix My Car?
Sorry I gave you herpes
Happy Non-Binary Birthday
Black Lives Matter, but you matter most
How about a Victoria's Secret gift card? (do I really want to think about this?)
A $100 certificate to Breasts R Us?
Shoe Warehouse?
I am not prepared for this.
---> But seriously.... can you imagine feeling like you're in the wrong body?
I'm in the wrong body. Mine should be good looking.
Happys
Johnny Ramone
CJ Ramone
Cindy Ramone
Antler Ramone
That John Lennon guy
John Entwistle - The Who
John Entwistle - The Who
Not So Happys
BJ Wilson - drummer - Procol Harum
SJW Silliness
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