Walmart Loves You

Walmart loves you so much, it wants to ensure your health by taking your vital signs while you shop.

A patent application is very revealing of their desire to keep everyone safe: a biometric sensor in shopping cart handles.

These sensors would track the shoppers’ heart rates, temperatures, grip strength, and stress levels, not to mention the cart’s weight, speed and idle time. Next, that info would be sent to a server where the data could be analyzed and compared against baselines obtained when the customer first grabbed the cart.

Well, if that isn't the creepiest thing you read today, I'll eat my hat. Better yet, I'll eat Shakira.

Walmart will have to convene a panel to figure out why all their customers are wearing heavy gloves in the summer. Better yet, why people are shopping elsewhere (except the useful idiots who think it's nice of Walmart to monitor their health, in case they have a heart attack while shopping).

Your even bigger surprise is that there's no way listed of opting out of this chicanery. And of course, no personal information will be collected (aside from every biometric sign available).

ThermionicEmissions has some journalistic connections, who advise us they print only what they're told to. ThermionicEmissions also knows some sneaky people, who helped us discover some other patent applications about to be filed by the mega-giant and seer of all retail health things:

• a sensor for your dining room chairs, that detects how you're feeling when you get home from Walmart, and at all other times. Also, whether you washed recently. This sensor is taking a while to be approved, as it keeps beating Alexa up.
• a sensor to monitor your colonic health. This is inserted rectally, for the best connection. This will also tell when you clench your butt cheeks, after hearing what Walmart is up to this time.
• sensors for your genitals, to tell when you're really excited about a sale.
• a scanner for all your important paperwork, to save Walmart the research
• all of these sensors to be tested in Walmart's new camps sleeping facilities.

We always feel protected by our guardians in Washington, but we'll never feel the level of protection afforded to the citizens of Ireland. Like the US, every piece of mail coming into the country is subject to scrutiny. The US protects its citizens from surprise by examining the contents of the letters. Ireland protects its citizens from any sort of plant or drugs. It is even more magnanimous via protecting manufacturers from fake goods. But that's not it, no sir.. they protect their countrymen (and women) by protecting them from offshore medical products. The kind people order over the internet. "You never know what they're made from," says the helpful package opener. Never mind that some citizen ordered this with full knowledge, probably because the pharmaceutical company gouges the people in Ireland, like they do in the US. Ireland is concerned, more than anything, with the health of its people. You can tell by the way they confiscate cigarettes mailed to people. It has nothing at all to do with the usurious tax rate on ciggies.

• Some stuff that happens in England with the police leaves me howling. Usually it's uncontrolled panic over someone with a steak knife. Even funnier, if you can imagine that, is watching a policeman using a broom after an accident; cleaning up. Where I live, the victim of the accident is ordered to clean up. And there's no broom.

How's Space Force, you ask.....

As usual, you'll be sorry you asked.

Due to some additional funding that hasn't materialized, Space Force is at a standstill, as new projects go. You simply do not let a force of ADHD-addled, top of the line, highly driven types go without any significant direction.  Last we heard, they're out racing saucer-shaped craft. It's a great team-building exercise, and every now and then, the aliens let them win.

• I have a remote coworker I've never met. I can tell she's tall from the way she types.

Do you feel protected now, punk? Do you?

Department of Defense Travel System Exposed data of 30,000 Civilian, Military employees.

Probably occurred months before the October 4th discovery.

"..the breach occurred at a travel management services firm that handles "a small percentage" of DoD's travel services. 

Good thing it was a small percentage... only 30,000. A major breach would be rough, eh?

• I an ugly happenstance that I don't understand, Myanmar used Faceyspaces to help fight a war. FB had no idea it was going on and rushed to shut down  'a bunch of accounts.'
• The Myanmari military operated without any scrutiny, as they didn't malign muslims or any other minority.

Remember Do-Not-Track?

After taking a look at it the first time, I knew where it was headed (the digital trashcan). Let's face it - much like being on the Do-Not-Call list, it depends wholly on people at the other end respecting your choice. Let's face it - that ain't gonna happen, no way, no how.

• WHY IS THERE A BOX OF LEMON BAR MIX in my kitchen?

Just in case you were feeling that your government was made of a bunch of doofuses, know that there's no difference the world over: UK's Ministry of Defence discovered 37 security breaches of protocol last year. Breaches of protocol are even more astounding than the garden variety breaches because it's just stupid people doing stupid things.  Send sensitive information over the web, unencrypted. Plug USB drives into your computer without checking or scanning. Leave the computer locked when you walk out of the room.  

There is a long list, but the people up top don't want to discuss it, because it might lead to a cyber-attack. I have to admit, that's a good one. "Gee, we'd truly love to tell you every detail of how we screwed up royally, but we're really concerned that doing so might somehow put you at further risk. If we tell you, the terrorists win, yeah? Believe me, there's nothing we'd rather do, but our hands are tied here. It's for the children.

That's irony, right? 

Still no word from the Ministry of Speelling Things Incorrectly.

• Do you have or need a baby monitor? This guy did the research on putting one up safely.

A Spanish security person has discovered a second bug in the iPhone lockscreen,  which allows a person with the phone to hijack your pictures and send them to another phone. Got a pissed off spouse (who doesn't?), disrespectful kids (redundant), or someone who happens to be in the house and curious?

While waiting for the Apple patch, the temporary solution is to disable Siri from the lockscreen. 

Of course, disabling Siri would cripple your iOS 12 experience...

And now we hit the crux of the biscuit: even the author of the article mentions the user experience. Folks, if the user experience is more important than the security of the device and your personal information, perhaps you need to reevaluate your stance on the matter. Maybe you need to get hit with the exploit (or a 2x4) to adjust your thinking accordingly. Is it any wonder I haven't been asked to write for any major (or minor) publications?

This information may be moot because people don't care enough about security to read or take notice. Well, not on this blog, but one that has a wider circulation (although I'd prefer this blog, for some reason). 

• If you're an old computer soul, you'll remember Winamp, which whipped the llama's ass. It was THE player of audio. Bought by AOL, it kinda floundered. A new company has purchased it and it's officially coming back.
• The program is referred to as broken and dated. It still plays audio files, so how broken can it be?
• Once again, the article includes the word experience. I don't want a playing experience: I want to play my files. Nothing else. No blinky lights, no waveform display that looks like a heartbeat on a hospital monitor (he's in v-fib! Charge to 240- CLEAR!), and no equalizer whose curve looks like a smile. Not even a trick button that makes you think you're listening to surround sound instead of missing half your music.

There is a vacuum in the house.

Not the kind that picks up dirt. 

It's an anomaly in the vortex.

It's a small black vacuum that's always there, frequently following us around.

It makes no sound, but is omnipresent.

It's very familiar, yet the absolute opposite of something we knew.

it's been three months and still tears me apart

I'm telling you - the Russians are meddling in our process...

Bottled Snakes?

So we smartasses know we're being tracked by our cell phones. Some of us don't care. Some of us are positively incensed, bordering on explosion. We turn off Location functions and the GPS, but we know we can still be located by cell tower triangulation.

We also know that apps use ad networks, potentially both spying on your location, and whatever other info they care to gather.

Well, guess what.... there's a new way to track us suckers. It takes 2,000 lines of code, inserted into an app that can go tens or hundreds of thousands of lines.  What can we do? Absolutely nothing at the moment. Well, that's not strictly accurate: you can turn off the phone. There are hardware and software features than can be implemented, but that depends on the phone manufacturer and Google (for android) or Apple (for iOS). Considering that manufacturers don't seem to bother pushing out security updates, I doubt we're going to see privacy upgrades.  Having said that, I'm not sure if we're going to see this code in apps, as there's detective work to be done to find where the phone thinks you are. This doesn't mean the operating system won't have it in the future.

When I said the only thing you can do is turn off the phone, I wasn't completely accurate. You can also firewall the phone and decide specifically where the app can go to, but that's only for really strict privacy weirdos, with control issues and way too much time on their hands (raising hand, sporting evil grin).

• New Zealand's airport customs folks, while examining packages, came across (non-live) snakes. Because there's always (non-live) snakes being sent all over the world.  Two of the little beauties were positioned on a base, 'standing up.' The other two were in jars. Because when we don't send taxidermied snakes, we send them in jars.

Knowledge Transfer

I believe in sharing knowledge, both at work and at home. Knowledge is power. 

Let's say you're going to England and want to sound like a native. Well, the first thing you have to do is learn the accent, which tends to vary from block to block. Then you have to learn the lingo.

Let's start: 

• When you need your car repaired, you take it to the GARRidge.
• If the plane goes down on the way over, the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) will look for DAYbree. This is the kind of word you can be smug in knowing, but will not get a chance to use after the plane touches the ground.

Learning the accent and language are only two thirds of the package. For some reason known only to Julius Caesar (inventor of the dressing), the Brits spell words incorrectly. A lot of words. They watch their favourite television programmes in their vividly coloured pyjamas. In their defence, they pay for a television licence with aluminium foil. They keep their spare tyres in the boot of the car. Instead of a wrench, they use spanners. I have a cocker spanner.

England and the United States: two countries separated by a common language.

• There's another nephew orchestral concert this week. I'm already building myself up for the event. Wife suggested copious amounts of drugs. I may just go with the flesh-colored earplugs.

It's Saliva Time, Kids!

There is a Chinese delicacy called bird's nest, which is made from bird saliva. The Chinese are a very silly people.

Since this lovely dish is a delicacy, we can reasonably expect that Bird Saliva Harvester is an honored position in China. WANTED: Bird Saliva Collector for 1,500 year old Bird's Nest dynasty. All male heirs have killed themselves in advance, rather than take the position. Fair pay and ducks to hang in your window. No forks.

In the name of humanity, who thought up this dish?

After a bit of digging, it is rumored to have originated with a Mr. Too Faht, special cook to the King of China, in or around the year 245BBS (Before Bird Saliva).  The king wanted something new, something special, something so rare and delicious that the kings of other countries would be terribly jealous, when they gathered at their King Retreat, located at the fabled Basketball Stadium of China. Interesting historical note: archaeologists have ancient China mapped out, but have never been able to locate the Basketball Stadium. It is rumored that the reason the Stadium cannot be found is that it was located next to the mythical Chinese Driving School.

Too Faht, the cook, was a fat, lazy man, with the occasional brilliant idea. Unfortunately, the majority of his ideas were total shit. After the King's demand, Too Faht didn't want to bother because he had a planned an entire night of sitting. It was then that he came up with one of his more brilliant ideas. He would suggest something so disgusting, so supremely vile, that the King would lose his appetite and suggest Too Faht take the night off.

So the cook told the King of his latest idea for a delicacy, called bird's nest, made entirely of bird saliva. Too Faht stood there, visions of ChinaLoungers in his head, when the King thought about it and declared, "That must really be something Faht... make me one." And that is how we got Bird's Nest.

How the bird saliva is collected is a closely guarded secret, known only to Bird Saliva Collectors and their mentors, at Chinese Driving School. With that name, no one would think saliva collecting was going on, plus no one would show up at the school anyway.

• There is now a hair shampoo with caffeine in it. This way, at least your hair will be awake in the morning.

Our last installment featured news of more human feet washing ashore in Canada. In true American spirit, Detroit floated to the top, where human organs were found at a wastewater treatment plant. But that wasn't all. This was the second time in two days. Either the mafia is getting lazy or rank amateurs are attempting body disposal again.

• RAF Mildenhall is an American base located in England, where today, a man drove onto the tarmac, stopping just short of a CV-22 Osprey. After a brief firefight, the man was taken into custody. This is, of course, not terrorism. The base spokesperson hasn't see the video and the investigation is in its early stages, but she already knows it's not terrorism. America is lucky to have this kind of psychic talent on its side.
• He drove onto the airfield of an American base and parked near a plane. How in the Sam Hill (where did that come from?) did the man get near the military base? You have to have all your papers in order, including your birth certificate and whether or not you were breastfed to get onto a military base (don't ask how I know). If you attempt to breach the gate, you will quickly gather more holes than Swiss cheese. Maybe the airfield is accessible via a route other than the front gate, but that doesn't sound so tactically smart.
• Our friends at the TSA are worrisome enough, but now this?
• I remember when the Ospreys first came out. They had so many problems with it that the saying was "Boeing killed more of our people than the enemy." You'd think the guy would get out of the car and an engine would fall on his head or something.
• at least it's not terrorism.

How's Marshall?

Glad you asked. The previous chemotherapy stopped early because he's doing so well. He will likely go on oral chemo. The oncologist wants to do another operation, most likely due to the new kitchen she's planning. After all, we just finished paying off her Mercedes.

Meanwhile, Marshall is in great shape, physically and attitude-wise. He's running around like a puppy (at 13). He still whines a lot when he wants something. When we've had enough, we tell him. Then he goes to take a nap in the bed. He's an enigma, wrapped in fur.

In the Ridiculous Coincidence department, we were overjoyed that the oppressive vet bills have ceased. Maybe the Flying Spaghetti Monster would visit for FSMas after all! But it was not to be... somehow the city heard that there might be some discretionary income and sent a huge bill for funds not taken out of my check by my awesomely alert employer.

Certain schools of thought state that we live many lives, each time to learn a lesson.  If this were true, this time around, I'm learning to value what I have, as something always manages to suck up every dollar I make. I'd let you know what I find out, but there seems to be inexplicable difficulties involved in communicating post-mortem.

• it's another one of those weird weeks. For the second week in a row, it wasn't raining when I took the trash out (at gunpoint). Something's up.
• Speaking of weird trash, I've got something wrong with me. At this point you're saying "and it took you this long to notice?" I am utterly incapable of putting things in bags. Sure, I can grab some fries and put them in a plastic bag, but if I have to put something in an open trash bag, I will wind up wearing it or cleaning it up off the floor. My wife wonders why I won't go near her if she's holding a bag open, asking me to dump something inside it.
• It doesn't matter if she's holding the bag open with a three foot radius - whatever I try to put in it will wind up everywhere but IN it.
• I have yet to ask the doctors what happens in childhood that would cause this, because I have much more pressing issues to discuss with them.
• Someone suggested it might be related to my lack of basketball skills, but I pointed out that I'm equally horrible at all sports.
• I can put things into other things.... in fact, it's my favorite hobby. No one ends up wearing it*, nor does it wind up on the floor.  *unless specifically requested
• Sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It's because I just had a horrible nightmare about trying to put one small bag into a larger bag. Eager to help, my wife bought earplugs.

France just halted an auction of a manuscript by the Marquis de Sade, referring to it as a national treasure. Eh - national treasure... instruction manual... whichever.

• President Trump, and his cadre of Very Smart IT People, have officially blamed Wannacry on North Korea. North Korea's response, from King Kong very Ill, was, "Nyah nyah, you can't catch me, imperialist pig, with your hair even sillier than mine!"

I'm thinking of getting politically involved...

Behaving is Overrated

Admittedly, I like watching car chases and COPS. Since police chases are the state sport of California, I get to watch them a lot. Yesterday I caught a stolen SUV, running through three districts of police, driving in a really strange manner, and winding up in San Pedro. The police called off the chase, as they do a lot lately, but there were helicopters in the air, including the one showing us the video (fox10phoenix.com always has video on very current events).

The guy pulls into a shipyard and starts driving from one end to the other, repeatedly. Someone driving like this is obviously not calm or well. The guy gets out of the SUV, letting it drive off by itself, finds some steps, and starts climbing. The police had arrived, but were not chasing the guy.

He climbs. And climbs. And climbs.

This facility has a massive set of really long cranes, for unloading ships that can't come closer. This fellow climbs all the way to the top of the crane, walks around the accessways, which have handrails. Then he leaves the handrails and walks out on the beam, about 100' above the water. Absolutely no fear. He continues to walk around, look down, shoo the choppers, and have conversations with people we can't see. He finally sits down and removes his socks. We're trying to figure out whether he's drunk or just not well upstairs. The different angles from the chopper were absolutely frightening and making me queasy. I didn't want the poor guy to fall (or jump). The police continued to leave him alone, which was probably the right idea.

The chopper had to go back for gas, so people from as far away as Chile were not able to watch further. I searched the following morning and unfortunately the fellow took all of his clothes off and jumped or fell to his death. No word on whether it was to the water or the street.

Why am I typing this?  I have absolutely no idea.

Meanwhile, I just saw that a van driver (terrorist) crashed into people on a sidewalk in Barcelona, killing thirteen and injuring many. There are gunmen on the loose.  That's why I'm typing this.... with the internet, we can see things in real time. There should be a Nobel Peace Prize for the net. It's much harder to pull one over on the masses when they can watch it as it happens.

• I was thinking of writing a book full of motivational advice - what do you think?
• Seek answers in the couch, Grasshopper
• Always deliver quality work: leave it for someone better
• If you shoot them, they'll never do it again
• When there is no room for failure, don't start

Some comic recently observed that a glory hole was not patriotic.

I think it depends on which side you're on... one makes you salute and the other just sucks.

• England's Jeremy Corbyn, having observed recent terrorist acts, has said that laws are needed to stop van attacks. Yes, somebody inform ISIS that driving vans into people on sidewalks is illegal - that'll do it. His Upper Class Twit of the Year trophy is on the way.

Maxine Waters just accused Ben Carson of being a White Nationalist. Please don't upset Maxine by reminding her Ben's black - it will ruin her day.

• My wife stood there, excitement on her face, and said, "Hey - who vacuumed the floor?" I thought about this carefully, looked around, thought about it some more, then pointed to the dog. 
• Did she think, perhaps, that someone broke in the house and vacuumed it for us?
• If we suspend disbelief for a moment, the vacuum is the Enemy of All Dogs Everywhere, so even if he could stand up and run it, he'd have to bark at it simultaneously, which would make a hell of a racket.
• It is relatively safe to say that nothing else in the house has evolved to the point that it can run the evil machine, no less want to. Including the dust.

How many years have humans had to evolve? We have finally arrived.

• When was the last time your cat chased a rodent?

After watching the antics of the antifa goons and the KKK, I find it sad that after one hundred years, we've gone from white dunce caps to black dunce caps.

• Firefox has updated itself to the latest version - the one they warned you about. Now almost none of your extensions will work. Extension People are allegedly updating their extensions. Since they do it in their own free time, it's bad form to complain. It is interesting to note, however, that only two of mine have been updated - with a large amount not updated.

Through no fault of my own, I came across a tv show that was telling the story of this overweight woman who opened her mailbox to find a note from a neighbor saying 300lb women shouldn't wear yoga pants.

Let's get the obvious over with: this is incredibly rude and inexcusable. Whoever did this wouldn't dare say this in person.

Now for the other obvious: they're right.

The victim of this horrible incident went on to talk about how she's always been large, because of a glandular issue. I feel for you, lady, I really do. But whatever caused your weight is no excuse for you to wear yoga pants. I don't wear tight clothes because it's damn unsightly, and I don't weigh 300lbs.

• Over 500 android apps have been found containing crapware that can download other programs. The issue is a plugin used by programmers, who did not know about the issue. The main target was Chinese teens, who downloaded rather a lot of these programs. Google rushed in and studied the issue, for three months, before removing the programs from the Play Store. Which programs were affected? Google hasn't chosen to share them with us. We don't have a need to know.
• How to avoid this? Very carefully.
• When you're searching for an app, read the reviews very carefully. Look for a lot of foreign reviews or really horrible English. Check how many downloads it has. Look for similar apps that feel less creepy, perhaps from a more reputable developer. See what else the developer developed.
• Whenever you install a program, pay close attention to the permissions it requests. A file manager doesn't need to make calls or send messages.
• Download Malwarebytes from the store and scan daily or on-access.
• ask

England has gone nuts (officially). The Crown Prosecution Service has just criminalized 'hate speech'. Call someone a bad word? That's a sentencing. Don't like homosexuals? That's a sentencing. Transexuals aren't real women? That's a sentencing. You're stupid? That's a sentencing. Priests don't approve of homosexuality? That's a sentencing.

The Director of Public Prosecutions said the guidelines are part of a broader conversation we need to have about tackling "extreme views" and finding ways to "prevent such opinions from gestating in the first place."

By policing speech, they're policing thought. Think about it - it is a crime in England to say something bad about someone else. The US takes its freedom of speech very seriously (except antifa). We would do well to guard against this type of government interference. In the meantime, I urge our brothers and sisters in England to do whatever is necessary, within the law, to have this repealed.

You Had a WHAT?

Many have given thought to aging and technology. Today's kids will never know

• the joys of trying to get the little yellow plastic thingie into the 45 so it will play on your record player
• pay phones
• 8 track tapes and sometimes cassettes
• a bigass home stereo system with huge speakers and Serious Wattage
• dial phones
• home phones
• watches
• alarm clocks
• cars without seatbelts
• leaded gas
• vacuum tube appliances that had to warm up before coming on
• non-flat screen televisions
• purchasing porn, music, and movies
• (relative) privacy

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.  - Ben Franklin

• Veterans Memorial Park, in Belle Plaine, Minnesota has a controversial monument with a cross. The Freedom from Religion Foundation is at the head of a movement to have it removed, as it goes counter to the First Amendment. City officials voted to keep it in the park (because apparently cities can vote to approve unconstitutional things).
• You know what happened next, right? The satanists submitted a proposal for their own display. In almost every case, this is enough to get the original item removed, but Belle Plain is apparently special.  The priest started Panic Mode<tm>, about how this will encourage children to try satanism and will bring the end of morality to the world.
• The satanic display will go up as scheduled. 
• Quite frankly, I'd be more scared of the priest and his buddies. A lot of their shenanigans have come to light lately....

GAB, the right-leaning, zero-censorship Twitter replacement cannot get a mobile app going on iOS. The developers have worked tirelessly but Apple will not approve the app for their store. Excuses aside, take one guess why... I mentioned to the GAB folks that it would be a badge of pride not having an iOS app, but for some unknown reason, they didn't share my enthusiasm.

• The election in England is over. Many hands are wringing. There are new and old office holders. And I understand absolutely none of it. The one bright side is that Monty Python prepared me for the election by introducing the Silly Party and the Very Silly Party. They are actual candidates, one with a bucket on his head. Yes, this is part of their elections, and a welcome part, as far as we're concerned.
• I would like our friends in the UK to note that absolutely no one in the US protested, burned flags, burned people, or rioted over their elections, unlike their mad, unruly protests over our election. This point would be much better made if I had any UK readers.

One of the most controversial tweets in the history of Twitter.

• Gender Studies is basically an exercise in observing a penis only once, and blaming it for everything bad.

In case you were bored, we just sent up a spy satellite to spy on spy satellites. Funny as this is, we really don't want to know what that cost. And we won't.

• It got somewhat less boring over the weekend. Started with a new medicine that made the wife nuts. Then a 2am trip to the emergency vet because Marshall was whining constantly. Nothing was found. Then a crack in the windshield most of the way across. Today we get to watch that service that comes to your house and installs the glass. Fortunately we have so much money that this won't be an issue.

Mrs lefty says to me she saw it raining. Well, not raining, but leaking from the telephone pole.  Leaking?  Yeah, the pickle bucket at the top of the pole.

Uh-oh.

I called the electrical utility's "You better check this out" hotline and they assured me they'd get their best people on this soonest.

You see, the pickle bucket is a transformer. Surrounding the transformer is vegetable oil (you think I'm being silly, but this one time I'm not). The oil was leaking from the transformer case, which really isn't a good thing. There's really a frightening amount of voltage and current up there and we only need a small fraction down here.

Within hours, the utility rushed some of their best people to the area to swiftly knock out the power to the entire block. An hour later, we were back in business. Yay repair guys!

A utility person we know told us this has been a problem forever and they never fixed it. Apparently the load from everybody using their air conditioners in the 95 degree high-humidity heat set it over the edge.

This, of course, brings up very important side effects of power loss: OMG - THE INTERNET! Even on a laptop or phone, if your router/wireless doesn't have battery backup, you're screwed. The phone can use 3G/4G/4.796G, the computer is black, and the laptop will last as long as its battery.  Remember this. Some providers install a backup battery for the modem/router.  Never mind air conditioning or breathing - we need internet!

I formally apologize for that.

NOT THE IMPLANTS!

All is not "Good on ya" in Australia, where a kangaroo jumped on a cycling Australian woman and ruptured her breast implants. This should serve as a warning for women in Australia, women planning to visit Australia, women who bicycle and anyone who exercises (especially in Australia) Also women who demand silicone breast implants, which cause all sorts of problems when ruptured.

• Just in case you're curious about what it's like being a porn star, Samantha Bentley shares... [ooh, ahh, ooh baby...]

A French ship has detected signals likely to have come from the black boxes of the EgyptAir plane that crashed last month.  MH370 working overtime to continue not being found.

• Marilyn Monroe would have been 90 this year. What a GGILF she'd be.

Two countries separated by a common language: In England,the list of the Queen's favo(u)rite songs has been released. This is apparently a Big Thing. Wonder what would happen if Obama's favorite list was released....

• Abba reunited for their first performance in 30 years in Sweden, during a private party, for a one-off event. They have been offered millions in the past but turned it down. Good for us.

ISIS militants have killed a Hindu priest in Bangladesh. They were no doubt worried about his potential for violence.

• In trials now is a blood test to determine if a prescribed medicine for depression is the correct one. I hope this works - it will be a potential lifesaver for depressed people.

The mother of a three-year-old boy who wandered into a gorilla pen will not be charged, prosecuters have said. We must not inconvenience parents who do not parent.

• Good news for Hef: the Playboy mansion has been sold to a neighbor, a private equity boss. The neighbor probably won't hurt either.

Restoration has started on the tomb suspected to have been Jesus'. Should he arrive, he is cordially welcome to stop by this blog for an interview. There is absolutely nothing like having a large audience of nine (on better days) to get your message across.

• The next Harry Potter play is already a success although its script has not been published yet. J.K. Rowling, its author, is drawing parallels with Bruce Springsteen, who can defecate on stage causing his fans to go into spasms of orgasmic glee.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Wearing Crocs is.