There Are Some Days, and This Is One

This is the kind of thing we read this blog for: a Michigan highway billboard was hacked to play porn for 15-20 minutes. This is positive hacking. They destroyed nothing, made some people happy, possibly caused some outrage and a car crash, and everybody gets a funny story. I'd avoid the rush, however, to move to Michigan, as police have a bit of video and are searching for the perps.

For those of you who are upset about their work computer being locked down, there's a fake browser update that will infect the entire network with banking trojans. If you're locked down and updates are automatically installed for you, this won't matter.

Anyone who has read at least one of these entries knows of my great love for Faceyspaces. Well, it hurts like hell, but I have to back Faceyspaces. No, really.  Attorney General Bill Barr, along with the UK and Australia, is about to ask Lord Zuck not to go ahead with his plans for end-to-end encryption across its messaging services until it can guarantee the added privacy does not reduce public safety.

When you're done producing filling for your barf bag, allow me to translate: We, the Five Eyes, are rather upset at your attempt to keep all of your information away from our five prying eyes. If you don't leave everything wide open or accept one of our Extremely Safe Backdoors, you are making it very difficult for us to steal scan your information for terroristic threats and to keep the world safe from democracy. Because everybody except lefty and two of his friends uses Faceyspaces, it is our largest source of information. If you do not allow us access, we will convince the founder of Faceyspaces, the NSA, to allow us access.

Remember when back doors were something fun?



Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• There are only 2 classes of people: Munsters and Addams Family

Today I identify as a shrubbery



China recently celebrated 70 years of communism with parades and displays of weapons. And riots and a shooting of a protester. The people of the People's Republic also celebrate, but only when they're told to.

In unrelated news, The US celebrated their public education system by publishing these stunning results: first in spending of any country per student, 38th in results.

In yet still more actively unrelated news, Maria Bartiromo reports that... well... I don't really care - look at that face. She's a classic.

In related news, police are filing criminal charges against the person they shot during the riots.    I always say, "If you shoot them, they'll never do it again."  

The young man will be charged with rioting and assaulting a policeman.
Back in Tianamen Square, the lone protester was finally charged with assaulting a tank.

No thank you, I'd rather spend a few weeks with with Richard Nixon, in his  underground bunker.

• Every now and then, one must give thanks for even random positive events: today I'm thankful that the new project will no longer require Windows 10. I argued so politely and so strenuously, they redid the project just for me.
• Sometimes a good thing comes in the middle of tragedy. This is one.

Bernie Sanders, genial old Silly Person, noted communist, and inveterate alpaca plooker, said there should be no more billionaires*. What a funny old dude. He says random sentences with 'free' in them, generating cheers from his fanbase; like Bruce Springsteen, but much more expensive.

*Unrelated news: Billionaires said there should be no more Bernie Sanders.

• Today I want to share something of great import. I feel it will enrich your life and keep your kids happy too. Unfortunately I already forgot what it is. The mind is a terrible thing to... ummmm...

I am proud to let everyone know I like Orange Crush.
I am proud to raise my eyebrow upon seeing a bottle of Watermelon Crush.
I am proud to say eewwwwwwwwww upon tasting it. Yes, they got it right, but watermelon soda? Join my campaign for Kidney Stone Crush.





When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the Command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa - who had been rather hard on the Army - answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply: "From what? The biggest threat to America today is its own federal government.... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The CIA? The Republican party? The Democratic party? The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense system... they issue the contracts for them."

The interview was not run.

We need Frank more than ever today....





Heroes of the Stupid

A federal judge ruled that Harvard University’s undergraduate admissions program is constitutional, rejecting a challenge accusing the school of discrimination against Asian American applicants.

In a decision released on Tuesday, US district judge Allison Burroughs in Boston said that while Harvard’s admissions program is not perfect, “the court will not dismantle a very fine admissions program that passes constitutional muster, solely because it could do better”.   Reached for comment, the KKK was outraged that their Harvard admissions will be capped at 20%.

Why is my cable bill so ridiculous? It couldn't be because of added fees, could it?



SJW Time

University and College Union apologises after failing to include Jews on list of groups of Holocaust victims (the Jewish Chronicle).

It described how the Nazis had persecuted groups such as “trade unions, including social democrats and Communists”, “Europe’s Roma and Sinti people”, “Black people”, “disabled people”, “freemasons”, “gay and lesbian people”, “Jehovah’s witnesses” and “'asocials’, which included beggars, alcoholics, drug addicts prostitutes and pacifists” were persecuted by the Nazi regime.

The international section in your supermarket is racist. The food is segregated.

sometimes you need to keep your soda cold

Air Escaping from Your Buttocks

Musical Appreciation Time

This was my least favorite class in school. Sure, I'm a musician, but lyrics baffle me. If I had my way, and I make a point of it, we'd just banish them from music. It's like Shakespeare: it's simply not written to be understood. "Oh Capulet... wherefore art thou, Montague - the kettle's on the boil and we're so easily drawn away." How do you interpret this stuff?

So let's go.
Today's entry is from Procol Harum. Right off the bat we're in trouble, because we can't even understand the name. In fact, we can't even tell what language it's in. Might be English - who knows?  The song is called Conquistador. Another way we can tell we're in trouble is that he pronounces it ConKWIStador. Two countries separated by a common language.

So one day, Famous Rock Star Gary Brooker sits down and says to himself, "Self, I need a hit to follow Whiter Shade of Pale. Hey, why don't I write a song about Spain's failed conquering activities in some dinky country, probably in northern South America, where the natives are less than happy to see them?"  Because this is always the first thing that comes to mind when searching for song topics.

Conquistador your stallion stands, in need of company 

And like some angel's haloed brow, you reek of purity.

 Are we done yet? I am.
We can safely assume a conquistador, however it's pronounced, is one of those Spanish guys who went around causing havoc, conquering land and people, in the name of the queen (Elton John, before he became a Sir).  His horse is lonely, for some reason, and he's really really pure. Do we seriously want to know what pure meant, way back then?

And though you came with sword held high, you did not conquer - only die.

 Now we've hit the crux of the biscuit.
This is a a delightfully witty way of defining abject failure.


And this is why I failed literature and music appreciation.



We bid fond farewell to Daryl Dragon, better known as the Captain, from the Captain and Tenille. Love won't keep them together.




Dear lefty

• Blog Ignorer Chng Ng, of the University of No Vowels, Wales, asks why don't you show your face?
• Dear Cheech: Ask me that question when you're back in men's clothes.

Is it too late for updated Chrsitmas songs? [yes]

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
I'm Dreaming of a White Woman
My Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire
The Little Jewish Boy: I'm Hasidic, baruch atah tah



Speaking of little Jewish boys, the world has come a long way. Or a short way, depending on your perspective.

My extensive research (I asked a Jew I know) revealed how difficult it was growing up Jewish. Her friends' parents looked at her suspiciously, almost as they'd look at a black girl, but less. In school she'd have to sing Christmas songs - one didn't opt-out then. When she asked about Hanukkah songs, the teacher blew a spring and the class snickered at her. When her mom watched the neighbor's kids while the mother was having another one, they thanked her and said they didn't know Jews could be so nice.

Seriously?

In other directly sourced items, Wife survived Catholic school and got the t-shirt. She said they barely said a word about Jews, other than they were the devil. Wife thought they had horns or something... she didn't know how else to pick them out.

Seriously?




I miss Leon Russell.
He was a member of the Wrecking Crew - the studio guys who played on everyone's records from Sinatra to the Beach Boys. He did solo stuff, he was Joe Cocker's bandleader for the Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, and he was always a sight, with long hair and a genuine southern twang. Sir Elton John inducted Leon into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2011. You need to watch this - Elton's speech is heartwarming. If you listen very carefully, Elton's piano playing sounds an awful lot like Leon's. Also check out Tedeschi Trucks Band with the reunited Mad Dogs personnel, Leon included.

Quantum Physics Question: Dave Mason (Traffic) wrote Feelin Alright, one of Joe Cocker's biggest songs. When Dave came out and sang Feelin Alright in Joe's style, did that create some sort of universal vacuum or antimatter?

• We bid farewell to Sondra Locke(74), actress and girlfriend of Clint Eastwood, from complications of cancer.

Apparently I was bored.
A friend popped by and we went for dinner.
When I got home, the phone told me there was an update. This is not right, because I have those services turned off. I told it to go ahead and reboot, at which point they told me I couldn't make phone calls while the phone rebooted. YOU'RE KIDDING.... I can't make phone calls while the phone's off? I'm returning it. I expected better.

During the 90 seconds, I got pretty screens. 5 minutes later, I was looking at the same screens. Lovely.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't reboot the thing. Finally I found it, the phone rebooted, and the update finally completed. Good thing, as I was going to lodge the update in some carrier's nether regions, as soon as I could make a call.  Reminder: BACK YOUR PHONE UP FREQUENTLY. Just in case.

• Once again, the blog stats show some interesting places people have been before arriving here. I don't know who, and I'm not interested. Just that the adult cam sites are apparently very popular with people (don't worry, the stats don't tell me who). Either that or the Adult Anal and Cheating on your wife sites gave up and cam sites took over Troll Duty. So I salute people with interesting lives, unlike mine. Bring us back some video, please. Share with your fellow readers.

Dear lefty

• Captain Shlomo Ionicelli, Italo-Israel Police, wants to know how to get even with his sister for the Hooker Fiasco.
• Get her kids drums for Christmas/Hanukkah

Another day, another Faceyspaces booboo.

Remember they hired factcheckers to fix their 'fake news' problem?

The checkers are walking because Faceyspaces is ignoring their concerns.

• Today's best out-of-context statement: Would you get her poop? 
• Also: When you get a minute, can you come in here and feel my anal gland?

Speaking of pets, do something nice for the holidays (or regularly): your local SPCA, rescue group, and vet can always use Stuff and donations. Our vet has a basket and fund to help people with their bills and foods, including meds your pet didn't use and toys. The SPCA always needs donations - food, towels, money. Rescue groups are funded from the pockets of the volunteers (I used to be one). Marshall will be making a donation this year, unfortunately posthumously.

• Here's a conspiracy so dark, so real, so mean-spirited, that people dare not talk about it: Christmas. Christmas itself can go either way: great or sucky. Thus far, mine is as much fun as chewing glass. Even a voluntary agoraphobe has to get out now and then - I like an occasional weekend jaunt. We were all set, with a plan. Then my brother called: every asshole with a car was on the road. Wife told me you'd have to circle the mall parking lot for an hour to get a spot.
• Christmas has actually prevented me from leaving the house. I will not suffer traffic, wall to wall idiots in malls and no seating in loud restaurants. Three WEEKS in the house.
• It's a madly sadly conspiracy, I tell you. 

Just for your edification, there's a forensic psychologist. In case you know this already, along with Doggie Oncologist, I bet you didn't know there's a forensic geophysicist (in case water or dirt gets murdered).

• The business that's transforming the world of Suck with vacuums and air cleaners, now has a hair dryer. It's all sorts of futuristic, with no visible heater and no visible power switch. It's 299 pounds British (447 gallons American). For that price, it should give you the option of Personal Suck, although I'd be hesitant to test out that function..... don't forget the Vacuum Incident... I haven't.

Guitar Players

Fender has a good article on neck shapes. They go over C, V, and U, with excellent descriptions (very little on radius). The irony here is that most of their guitars come with one generic C-neck. This is my bugaboo with Fender.  If you're a lefty, it's even worse. Either way, you have to spend more because the models with the nicer necks are the special (more expensive) ones, not stock models.

Check out the new Strats: 50s, 60s, and 70s series. They are very reasonably priced and have interesting neck shapes. Naturally they're not listed as available lefty, and Customer Service has not gotten back to me.

If you're interested in necks that aren't their C shape, check out the 70s Tele reissue, Baja Tele (highly recommended), 52 Tele reissue ($$), Jimmie Vaughan (older) Strat, 50s Strat, and the hideously expensive top of the line vintage 50s Strat. If you can find them - I sure as hell can't - lefty or righty. In the 5th largest market in the country, I can't find guitars. What a shithole.

Manscaping? I Don't Even Mow the Lawn

Since my furry child started seeing the acupuncturist, he's been eating well. In fact, he's been eating better than his parents. We were told to feed him fresh food. As a result, Wife cooks chicken breasts (it's always about the breast with me) and puts them in the fridge for the week.

To say cockers like chicken is like saying cockers like beef. And cat food.
I sliced it up, went to take the plate to his table, and my wife looked at me in abject horror: "You're not going to heat it up?"

Uh-oh.

Ummmm.. no.

You have to heat it up for him.

Oh. I see (I said, not seeing). Perhaps we can ask him which he prefers.

No, you have to heat it up.

Shall I take a nice cabernet with it? Perhaps a salad?

Don't let him near the liquor again. Remember what happened last time.

Dessert? Do you serve dessert warm or cold?

I'll do it.



Perhaps this is why anybody who knows me and meets my wife tells her how sorry they are for her.

• Wendy: TMZ with implants

WhatsApp co-founder Jan Koum is leaving because of long-standing differences of opinion with other Faceyspaces executives. WhatsApp is owned by Faceyspaces. Apparently they're collecting customer data and weakening encryption to give advertisers a wider base to target.  Irony: two days ago I told my family not to use this app. Zuckerberg is evil and wanted to link WhatsApp phone numbers with Faceyspaces data. This is a perfect example of how different entities with different bits of data can figure out exactly who you are and what you do. See what Signal can do for you.

• Twitter, sometimes inaffectionally referred to as Twatter by its users, sold data access to a researched linked with Cambridge Analytica. This is the company that Faceyspaces got caught selling data to. Twitter magically banned Cambridge from buying data or running ads on the platform. 
• Another huge corporation with a 'free' service. The free service is your data.

In a delightful bit of research, Princeton University set about seeing where Internet of Things devices went online. Click the link and behold the wonders of where your smart tv, security camera, and light bulbs go when started up.  Let's say the devices go to many third party sites and are not always encrypted. A third party site is a site that has absolutely nothing to do with the operation of the device, like Faceyspaces and ad companies. This is but one reason I won't touch Internet of Things devices. Unfortunately, IoT is the current buzzword, so corporations will be using it, along with the previous buzzword: The Cloud.

Your Samsung Smart TV is a busy little beaver. During the first minute after power-on, the TV talks to Google Play, Double Click, Netflix, FandangoNOW, Spotify, CBS, MSNBC, NFL, Deezer, and Facebook­even though we did not sign in or create accounts with any of them. 

• When I was little, I wondered what it would be like in 2000, when I'd be a certain age. Having aged another year, I never thought about what this age would be like. It's a good thing I remain the same irascible, sarcastic, social bastard. Nothing has changed but the number.

A few years back, the politicians were making a lot of racket about predatory lending, or payday loans. I'm not entirely sure what was done, although it's safe to bet it wasn't all that useful. It could be worse: it could be England, where every third commercial is for payday loans. They're very honest too.. the last one featured interest of 1249.9% (and someone called Uncle Vinny Smashuface)

• President Trump sent a High Mucketymuck to visit Netanyahu in Israel. Netanyahu, on Twitter, said the relationship between the two countries was stronger. Ever the truth-seeker, I mentioned that for $3.15 billion in military aid, it had better be strong. No response yet and no visits from the Mossad, although that UPS truck sure has been parked there a long time...

The country is now seeing some results from the Trump-Stormy Daniels feud. She is now suing him for slander, growing the total number of lawsuits to thirty five. In a totally, completely unrelated story, which has absolutely nothing to do with the multiple lawsuits, patrons of the strip club she's working at arrived ten hours early for her performance.

What are they going to do at a strip club for ten hours..... oh.

In doing detailed research for this story, I looked at a lot of porn stars. Old Stormy is not exactly in the top ten, in terms of looks. In fact, she's not in the top fifty. Perhaps she has other talents.... who knows?

It may surprise you to know that I've been...ummm.... involved with a few strippers and adult video stars in my old musical comedy allegedly professional life. One had just made a movie, so we copied the cover, wrapped it around condoms, and threw them out to the audience during the show. We had never been as popular with the audience and other comics in our history.

Then there were the strippers. This was a long time ago and I'm not entirely sure how we wound up with them (no, really). It's possible our gig was in the strip club and we took it because it sounded like an experience we needed to have. I remember the show wasn't all that well-received, but we started to figure out not to perform near food or strippers. Or football games on bar tv, but that's a different story entirely. We had a video camera with us, because this was before the days of cell phones with cameras. I sat on a particularly attractive stripper's lap and she looked into the camera and told my girlfriend that the strippers were going to steal me away. For reasons I cannot comprehend, my girlfriend was not amused. Go figure.

• Mel Gibson is set to direct a movie described as a kamikaze war thriller. In it, he claims the kamikazes were Jews.
• Speaking of the Jews, a man burst into a Manhattan movie theater and starting to yell about guns, saying, "They are killing us," then "people with guns are killing people in the theater." In a reaction no one could have expected, people got a bit upset. One moviegoer jumped from a low balcony and hurt himself. The yeller grabbed him by the throat and said, "I got the Jew." The Jews really seem to be up to things lately.
• In PA, a boy told the police a clown jumped from the woods and hit him with a metal baseball bat. Apparently this sort of thing happens all the time in Butler County. No word on whether the clown was Jewish.

Let's Bring the Country Together (free speech edition):

a rapper has urged the Crips to assault Kanye West for his support of Donald Trump.

“Yo national alert, all the Crips out there, y’all f— Kanye up,” he said, referring to the infamous Los Angeles-area street gang.

This message was also posted on the rapper's Twitter account.

I have it on good authority there are no Jews in the Crips.

• I have done such an excellent job of staying away from this, but, as a service to my readers, I must let you know that Caitlyn Jenner (68) may marry 21 year old transgender 'blonde bombshell' Sophia Hutchins.
• No personal pronouns will be allowed at the ceremony or in their house because even Caitlyn doesn't know if she's a lesbian (or something) now.

A Conversation with the Dog

I'm on the couch, which is the first place anyone should look for me. I work, I nap, I watch tv, and I surf for porn from the couch. Marshall has been snoozing all day. Wife comes home from doing whatever she does when she leaves, heats up some lunch and sits down. What she forgot was the very sensitive trip switch in the cushion that alerts Marshall that something is happening and he needs to be there immediately to observe it.

This was his absolute second favorite thing in the world: Mommy eating. His first favorite is Marshall eating. He knows better than to sit near me because I won't give him anything while we're eating and from where we're eating. This is proper pet parent behavior, so the dog doesn't think your food is his food. At very least, get up and put it in his bowl. Of course when you do that, he knows that when you're done eating, you're going to put food in his bowl. There is no winning with this dog.  Anyway, he perches near his mommy because mommy is a klutz and will drop something. Cheesy Poofs are the worst. For every handful she gets, two poofs drop to the ground. Marshall is right there to clean for us: our very own Hoover.

Marshall's new trick is when he sees Mom eating, he starts the pitiful whining, which continues and gets louder the longer he's ignored. To be fair, he's a dog, he's old, and he has a fatal disease. The whining can mean pain, hunger, thirst, bathroom, or I Want Your Food. Mom got up and gave him water and asked about the bathroom. Mom went about her business, which meant it was Dad's turn.

Dad. Dad. DAAAAAD.
Yes?
Scratch my ears.
Ok.
Groan... that's good... groan.
Like that?
Yes.
Ok, I have to call someone.
Dad. DAAAAAAAD.
Yes, my child?
Scratch my ears again.
Ok.
And scratch them again. I feel itchy today.

(I forgot that this is code for "I want something.")

Did you want something?
[runs to water bowl] Yeah, water.
Didn't Mommy just give you water?
Yes, but it wasn't the right water.
What was wrong? Was it brown?
No.
Was it full of metal?
No. It was sink water.
Yes.
Sink water is good for swimming only. That's why I always have my paws in the bowl. And it's not cold enough.
Ah. I see. Give me a second. [retrieves sink water he bottled and refrigerated] How's that? [stands 4' over bowl and pours so dog can drink from the stream]
THAT's what I wanted.
Good, no more whining, please. [sits back down]
[60 seconds later] Dad. Dad. DAAAAAAAAAD.
WHAT is it NOW?
I have to go outside.
Couldn't you have asked me that before, when I was up? Do you understand efficiency?
Huh?
Never mind. [lets dog out]
[3 min later] Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. I have to come back in.
I'm cominnnnnng.
Good!
This will be all, right?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Dad. Dad?
YES?
I'm going to take a nap with Mom. Since my paws are wet, I'll be jumping on the bed, probably sleeping on your pillow.

I. Love. My. Dog.
I do.
I treasure every moment we spend together.
Objectively speaking, he's the most brilliant, beautiful cocker spaniel in existence.

Treasure the people and pets in your life. It could all be over in a second.

• If, for any reason, you happen to be flying to New Zealand, leave your duck tongues at home. Don't ask me how I know.

It was December 31, 1969. At the Fillmore, the crowd was counting down. FOUR. THREE. TWO. ONE. Happy New Year!!! Bill Graham gets on the mic to wish everyone a happy new year, while Auld Lang Syne plays. Graham notes that this is the beginning of a new decade. Out of nowhere, the Band of Gypsies plays an impromptu version of Auld Land Syne. It was a new decade. In eight months, Jimi would be dead.

Cell phones have been around for a long time. A girlfriend had a bag phone. Wife and I got Beam Me Up Scotty phones a long time ago. As soon as the Palms came out, I got one - for the time, it was incredible. And here we are, in the era of Really Big Phones and I want a bigger one. Must be my eyes.

It's probably a good thing we're going to check out new phones because there's a slight technical issue with our phones. We're fine so long as we don't try to call or text each other. When I try to call her, 90% of the time I can't reach her. I get voicemail. In any other industry, a 90% failure rate would be reason for a drastic change (except weather forecasters).

When she texts me, I receive it from three hours to three days later, if it arrives. Just in case you think she's ignoring me on purpose. Mind you, when I text her, she gets it immediately, then forgets it'll take three hours to three days to get to me and responds.

Today I had to go to the supermarket to pick up Stuff and I was elected to go in and she parked the car. Never send a man to do a woman's job. I said this because I knew what would happen if I had to go into the damn store. About thirty seconds in, I realized I forgot the name of the cake I was supposed to get. I saw one that looked close, so I made a long distance call to the parking lot to ask the woman (who should've gone in in the first place). Ring. Ring. Ring. Voicemail.

Very funny. Either the radio was up too loud or she was talking to someone. Call again. Ring. Ring. Ring, Voicemail. My blood pressure reached unsafe levels immediately. Levels usually reserved for the cell phone nagging me repeatedly while I'm driving.

Perhaps it would be better to get the other items first. No soda aisle. Stupid me - it was in beverages. There's a reason I don't go shopping. Back to bakery. Ring. Ring. Ring. Voicemail. My face turned red - I could feel it. My blood pulsed, sounding like a huge kick drum. I swore the people around me could hear it too. Speaking of which, it required an incredible amount of effort to tame my vocal output, which was not even suitable for R-rated television. If I didn't get hold of it quickly, the police would arrive, followed by the guys in white suits in the padded ambulance. After reading this blog, you know how difficult it is to keep my mouth shut. Ring. Ring. Ring. Voicemail.

Ok, that does it. She wants a cake, she'll get a cake. A very sweet chocolate sundried tomato rosemary raspberry tart cake. And she will love it.

She probably wasn't expecting the one person Satan's afraid of, but that's who came to the car with the bags. Her hair actually blew backwards as I expressed my displeasure. And when I say expressed my displeasure, every eight foot display window in the store popped and broke into thousands of tiny, sharp pieces in sequence. Those poor employees thought they were going to be on the news for the next week, as the victim of a deranged shooter. Not me - I was fifty feet away, expressing displeasure.

Cake... soda... supermarket.. PHONES. Phone. Cell phone. Ah.
I've mentioned the ring of Wife's phone before. Dead people can hear it in the next county. I have never heard a phone so loud it belonged in an old beat up car whose front jumped up and down on purpose, driven by someone called Chaco. Naturally this phone always happens to be sitting near me when it goes off. And I cling to the ceiling like a cat that almost got eaten by a rabid dog. I ask, ever so politely, if she could turn the ringer down, ever so slightly.  She answers in the negative, because she has to be able to hear it. It's not that she doesn't realize it's loud, because when she knows I need to concentrate, there's a hole in the back yard in which she buries the phone, in concrete, under the garage, in the tunnel to the pizza place, three blocks away.

After I finished expressing my displeasure, she looked up with those gorgeous, innocent eyes and said, "I didn't hear it."

Happy Friggin' Whatever

Well, folks.... it's been a long year; perhaps fifteen months' worth. We went through all sorts of bizarre excremental stuff here and shared it with you. The good stuff stayed home, sorry. We learned about health insurance, observed the Unemployment Follies, watched the car suffer potholes, Philly drivers, people who stop short, and discovered that each accident requires a five hundred dollar deductible. We also found out that there is a yearly limit on rental car days. Neighbors inquired about the house going on sheriff's sale and reported us to the township because of standing water (which turned out to be the dog's pool).

We were told tales of line-dancing Jews, I Heart Boobies bracelets, the woman who beat her mother with a vibrator, recording a song parody in the living room for Billy Joel, dusty Hawaiian shirts, Carlos Santana's questionable musical choices, Security Plus certification and Waffle House - average food...quickly. We even discovered how difficult it is to put stuff into bags.

There has been much head-exploding. In the world of pets, there has been serious attachment due to unemployment, a spooning spaniel, a dog and cat who taught the neighbor to feed them on command and a cocker who does his own recycling.

---------------------------

And for my last shot of 2014, I give you Internet Acronyms.

SOMFAL - sitting on my fat ass laughing
HYBIBRB - hold your breath, I'll be right back
WPFOMA - when pigs fly out my ass
SWWK - strangling wife with keyboard
IGTRTTIAKY - I'm going to reach through the internet and kill you
WTFAYW - what the f- are you wearing?
OMGYFTAI - Oh my God, you fit that all inside?
MBFFIAT - my best friend forever is a transexual
ITDHTCA - is the dog humping the cat again?
AFKBA - away from keyboard, bleeding again
TKALUITB - the kids are locked up in the basement
ICTWYMF - I can't talk with your mouth full.

-------------------------

Thank you all for showing up, reading and commenting. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you Happy Whatever. Stay healthy. Get a job or a better job. Peace. Take care of your pets. By default, 2015 is going to shine.

Summertime

So it's summer, at least in the hot, humid tundra of the Philly area.  And since it's summer, everyone's fancy turns to line dancing.

Yes, line dancing.

How do I know?  Because I got an email at work, stating that we could welcome summer with some line dancing.

Don't look at me that way..... doesn't your company welcome summer with line dancing?  What kind of company do you work for?  Doesn't your Chief Line Dancing Officer send the company missives about line dancing in summer? Winter? Weekly?

The email goes on to say that Josh Weinstein was coming in to teach us all line dancing in two days.  Now how can anyone possibly prepare themself for glory that is line dancing in only two days?  It's simply not fair and way beyond expectations.  And it's killing me because I already took that day off.  Had I known about summer and line dancing, I would never have taken that day off, not to mention using the entire previous week to properly prepare myself for the Big Event.

Summarizing thus far, we have a black Chief Line Dancing Officer informing us that the Jewish line dancing instructor will be coming by to teach some line dancing to the entire corporation (brave enough to attend).

Did I mention that this Great Happening will be Happening during working hours?

You see, I work in the Twilight Zone, where the duck pond meets the yellow brick road.  And I am not making any of this up. Only the names were changed to avoid unnecessary embarrassment, not to mention wanton adulation.

Searching your vast database of line dancing (and we all have at one time or another), how many black people do you recall seeing?  And how many Jews do you remember teaching?  If you think about it, how many of us feel that Jews should be teaching anything at all that requires rhythm?

Before you start sending me Nastygrams<tm> about anti-semitism, I speak from experience.  Way back when I was young and full of misplaced enthusiasm, I owned a recording studio.  My singer had a bunch of his (Jewish) friends over to clap along with a song we were recording.  It looked like a very bad cartoon, with us having to instruct the friends to clap ON the beat, as opposed to AROUND the beat, NEAR the beat and mostly, AROUND THE CORNER from the beat.  As much as we wanted to send his friends around the corner, we all tried diligently.  And we failed diligently.  There was less rhythm ability in this crowd than Catholic priests who don't like little boys.  Stereotypes have to come from somewhere, you know.

So at least we have that going for us.

I'm trying to decide if there's any way I can jettison my out-of-town company and somehow get to work for this very important line dancing event.  I guess if I were smart (a pretty far walk), I would bring the out-of-towners to the very important line dancing event.  After all, they're from the South, which we all know is Line Dancing Central.  Not only don't they have Jewish instructors, they don't have Jews.  As Woody Allen said, 'I asked where the Jews hang out. They pointed to a tree.'

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Neato Job Tips #1:  When you're on a webinar with your coworker and their screen is being shared with a salesperson, do not send them obscene instant messages or messages making fun of the salesperson.  They will show up on the screen and everybody can read them.

Don't ask me how I know.

Hey Hey, It's the Pope

White smoke billowed from some chimney or other in Rome and the Catholics have a new pope.  Good for them (I hope).

If anyone has been watching CNN, the follies have been most notable.  We watch it at work with no sound and the first thing I noticed was wall-to-wall Pope Coverage.  The captions were amazing: there was one that said Cardinals Locked Away.  I kept thinking they should be.  The cardinals vowed secrecy.  Of course they vowed secrecy - how else could they have kept their scandals out of the light for so long?

My boss wondered what the hospitality arrangements were, probably because he came from that background.  He decided that there would be no mints on their pillows; instead, they would each get a little boy.

At least my boss stays relevant.

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In other happy news, President Obama's people have fixed him up yet again, this time with the new Miss Israel, Yityish Aynaw, 22.  What makes me really go into high gear is that Miss Aynaw, 22, is the first black Miss Isreal, hailing from Ethiopia.  Yes, that's right, people, there are Ethiopian Jews.
Israel has proven their impartiality and total lack of racism by fully accepting an attractive young woman.  Of course they sterilized the less attractive ones, but hey, you can't be perfect all of the time.

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Let's see... so far I have made sport of the pope and the Jews.  Impartiality would indicate that next up would be the Muslims.  So, with that in mind, let me tell you the latest about Obamacare (there's nothing funny in the news about Muslims today).  The next time you take your dog, cat, sloth or child to the vet, it's going to cost you more because of Obamacare.  One of the many taxes to pay for this juggernaut is on medical equipment, including veterinary equipment.  And rest assured, the vets will pass the tax onto their customers.

And while I'm talking Happy News, your president is quite sure there is no debt crisis.  This man has clearly been drinking his own Kool Aid for way too long.