Memo to Tzipi's Alligator

Your love is like pulling out nose hairs



Dear lefty

• Do I curtsy upon meeting the Queen?
• sure - make sure you wear your fanciest dress, Bob. They love that shit in England.

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished
Police are looking for man handing out free heroin; multiple overdoses connected.

• San Francisco may allow 16/17 year olds to vote 
• I'm against this: many 30 year-olds shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Russian election interference continues, unstopped: Ivanovich says Biden is ahead in some polls, but then again, Putin was behind in some polls.


Over the weekend, we were not allowed into a very popular guitar chain, because my service elephant was not wearing a mask. They're already on the verge of bankruptcy; wait til I get done suing them. Americans with Disabilities Act, animal cruelty, the court of the internet, and the court of ThermionicEmissions (which acts like a dictatorship, with a semi-benign dictator).



Major league sports is having a problem. Their fans desperately want to get back to major league sports, but they can't get into the stadiums in significant numbers. They're also very unhappy about non-sports activities, booing the players' SJW shows. I think the fans are going to give up after their teams start to play horribly, because they spent so much time arguing and choreographing their protest rituals, they forgot to practice their actual sport.

We refuse to practice as long as people of color are arrested.
Ok, but we still have to not take the field during the national anthem.
But how can we take a knee if we're not on the field during the national anthem?
COACH!
Yes?
Smith wants to stay off the field during the national anthem, but Babbit wants everyone to take a knee during the national anthem.
Hmmm... well, how about not taking the field during the national anthem, but coming out on the field afterward, then taking a knee?
Oh...   Coach, you're the best.

Coach?
Yes?
In solidarity with Black Lives Matter, I won't be catching any balls.
Humphries, the entire point of the sport is to catch the balls.
See? People will notice better when I stand on my head when the ball goes by.
Look, I don't mind you protesting, but what's the point of putting you out there?
So I can show solidarity with... umm.. .BLM.
OK, Schmitt - you back Humphries up.
Can't, Coach.
Why not?
I can't touch any balls touched by white people, in solidarity with the Palestinians.
Schmitt, the Palestinians are white.
But.... but...  My wife is feeding me stuff again. Don't I look the fool?

Coach?
Yes, DeLance?
In solidarity with the rest of the team's solidarity, I won't be coming out of the locker room.
DeLance, the team spent thousands on therapy because you wouldn't come out of the locker room - don't blame it on solidarity. It's called a relapse. Call your doctor.

Coach?
What now, George?
I... I... I want to come out of the locker.
Is it too crowded with DeLance there?
I'm trans.
I see. Keep the new boobs well-protected.

[ring]
Coach, it's for you.
Yes. Yes. I see. Yes, thank you.

Ok, guys (and soon to be girl), that was the general manager. You're going to be docked for each minute you're not on the field, playing.

TEAM: What time do you want us on the field, Coach?

• Is there a sign somewhere outside the house that says Fun Time for Birds? There's another one flying around.... every door and window is shut. Thus far, the Great Hunter hasn't moved from her perch to dispatch the intruder.
• Great hunter woke up: I don't think barking and whining at prey helped catch it. Does evolution laugh at the spaniel that catches birds and sleeps in the bed, on Mommy's legs?

Unrelated:
The NFL would like to introduce its new general manager, Colin Kaepernick.
Kaepernick welcomes the chance to have the NFL serve him and to steer the League into a more socially-acceptable role. He stated that after a few years, they might even play a little football, but for now they have a lot of battles to fight, off the field.

• Scientists discover area of brain that controls sexual desire in men
• it's a very wide swath, roughly from the front to the rear 

The grandson of former president Warren G Harding wants to have his remains exhumed to prove a DNA match. The grandchildren of former vice president Spiro Agnew want to have his remains exhumed, so people will say Spiro Agnew again.



At least 1 humpback whale remains in an Australian river after making a wrong turn and getting lost. Hollywood has postponed its Affirmative Action Runup to the Oscars and is on its new campaign: GPSes for the Whales! Gwyneth Paltrow and Bette Midler almost drowned, when the whale failed to recognize them.

• A dear departed coworker said I hate the sound of laughter. She's wrong: you need to see the Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2020 contenders.

Alleged computer hacker Lauri Love: Living with my autism.

Hacker Gary McKinnon: I'm autistic, you can't extradite me.

Me: I can't hack - I'm not autistic enough.

• Oregon's Firefighting Helicopters Are Deployed in Afghanistan as the State Burns
• yes, but... but... they're fighting for our freedoms!!! 

Please don't use Internet Explorer. It's got more holes than Swiss cheese; like Windows, but worse. It's time to drag yourself into the 90s and find something else. I mention this because of an expanding malvertising issue (an ad injects Bad Stuff into your browser). A newer browser will allow you to install an ad blocker, so you won't have to deal with malvertising and you won't have to deal with advertising at all. I'll tell you how well they work: I don't see ads. When I look at someone's computer without an ad blocker, I'm astounded at the number and intrusiveness of ads. I recommend Firefox. While Chrome/Brave/Opera/Vivaldi will work, they're all Chrome knockoffs and may phone home to Google. Iridium is built on Chrome but de-Googled. Firefox has never failed me. Install the Ublock addon and no ads. No junk. Very simple. Also go to this site and follow the directions to install a new HOSTS file. The 2 suggestions will help you a lot.

• The system the pr0n industry uses to track HIV works so well, experts are considering it for the Flying AIDS.
• Once again, pr0n saves the day

Hail the Passing of IE 10

That's right, folks, you heard right... Microsoft will be saying sayonara to Internet Explorer 10 next year, requiring you to go to IE 11. Since I don't use the software in question, I question whether these aren't old versions anyway. Meanwhile, most computer users ditched IE years ago for something less crappy, with fewer holes than Swiss cheese.

• Last week, Boeing's Autonomous Passenger Air Vehicle completed its first flight. Picture the passenger compartment of a plane on top of some helicopter rotors. It's electric and takes off and lands vertically. It will make road rage considerably more interesting.

This is the start of a good article on network tools for your android phone. You'll have to register to read more of it. There are some great apps available and you don't need to know much to operate them. Check your network to make sure it's humming along (or the kid next door is downloading a lot of things, on your wireless, that will have the FBI visiting your house).  Also remember: Remote Desktop or VNC for connecting your phone to your computer has absolutely no security. Yes, you can connect, but so can everyone else. Or they can eavesdrop on what you're doing.

Dear lefty:

• Winston Weinstein, from Walla Walla, Wisconsin, asks what my middle name is.
• Sarcasm.

Things are gonna be different when I'm president, believe me.

Yes, it's lefty for president - running with scissors for YOU.

• Today's Mission for you: go through the entire day saying, "No, that won't do," as your only phrase.

In recent times, fashion fascinations have run to things in ears you can put a nickel through, overextension of mascara toward the ears, lip implants, and now, eyebrows.  We on the bleeding edge of fashion, celebrate what's next: nostrils. Yes, nostrils. Surgery to make them larger, coloring and braiding nose hair, and cocaine to make one large nostril from two. After a self-administered coke treatment, be sure to drive.

• Breaking News: a man reportedly on amphetamines was arrested after his wife was found dead in their house. It turns out he wasn't on amphetamines - he was just really happy.

Been to Walgreens lately?

Coming to a store near you, a 'smart cooler' that uses facial recognition to determine your age and gender, then show you relevant ads. Contact Walgreens and tell them how you feel. It's bad enough we're tracked online, but let's stop the in-person tracking right now.

• A 19 year old Arkansas man was sentenced to 5 years' probation for trying to steal a commercial plane so he could fly to Chicago for a rap concert.
• He was arrested after bolting from the plane, screaming, "How do you put this damn thing in Drive?"
• Good thing he got caught - the stolen plane lot at the concert was full.

We are at war with Russia.
Well, not America... just me.
Not actually me, but my email.
Make sense?

I found some interesting software, but needed one little piece of information to see if I could use it. I wrote to Helpdesk, never expecting Vietnamese or Indian techs, and was not disappointed. I got a Russian gentleman instead, and asked for the little piece of information. He replied that black bread was scarce; not entirely where I was going with the question. Sorry about the black bread, I tried to break the question down into how the software worked. He responded with a detailed set of instructions for installing and using the software.

I briefly thought of putting my question into an English to Russian translator, but I try not to be an asshole (at this time of day). I tried again, using single syllable words and pictures. I have little hope of getting my little piece of information, as it's a fairly technical question. At this point, it's just a challenging exercise. Or maybe this is an attempt to dissuade anyone from emailing Helpdesk. This could be a deliberate action to sway the next election....

I'm still sorry about the black bread and toilet paper, bro.

• Japan's biggest maker of diapers said its sales of adult diapers had surpassed those for babies in 2011.
• Take that - ya big baby.

Dear lefty:

• What is your secret for success?
• I have no secret. I have no success.

Today's Text Bit comes from a question about social functions held on British Tornado jets:

The Tornado is a two-seat combat aircraft and therefore unsuitable for social functions such as cocktail parties or gala dinners.

What are your 10 favorite movies?
This will be a tough one - I have to think....

1. Monty Python - Life of Brian
2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
3. Bedazzled (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore)
4. Airplane
5. Blazing Saddles  (Mel Brooks)
6. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
7. The Song Remains the Same (Led Zeppelin)
8. Mother, Jugs, and Speed (Raquel Welch, Bill Cosby)
9. Woodstock
10. A Fish Called Wanda

• Work keeps threatening everyone with downgrading to Windows 10. No matter how hard I try, I can't get HR to declare this a Hostile Work Environment.

Peter Jackson (Madea, Throw Madea from the Train) has signed on to make a new Beatles film out of unseen 'Let It Be' footage.

Footage includes:

• Ringo insisting the crew not film his nose
• 7 separate instances of people trying to push Yoko off the roof
• John and his guest Jimi Hendrix arguing over who wore the women's floral shirt best
• Crew requesting Yoko play "Catch the Toaster" in the building's pool
• Paul's return after recently being dead
• the wives and girlfriends cuddling together to conserve heat, and touching each others' boobs
• Brian Epstein relentlessly hitting on Yoko because he thought she was a man
• George asking Jimi if having a big one makes him a better guitar player
• George Martin, in a candid moment, saying he was sick of these guys and Ringo was the only one with any talent
• the band's reaction to the doctor telling them John gave them all herpes
• repeated pleas for Yoko to stop touching her penis on camera

It's of No Benefits To All

I changed employers recently. It was a pretty good move... all of the sudden I'm an actually wanted employee, with actual Benefits And Stuff. No more Obamacare!

Yesterday was time to fill in all the electronic paperwork relating to Benefits And Stuff. I enjoy electronic paperwork, largely because if there's paper paperwork, it will force me to write stuff. Since I've been using computers for umpteen years, I haven't been writing much. My handwriting, never really legible for the most part, has gone completely to hell. Moreso. So online works better for me. That is, until I try it.

It was a dark and stormy day. It's usually a dark and stormy day, and you can take it for granted that any day I post a blog entry, it's a dark and stormy day. In fact, when you think of Philthydelphia, your first thought should be 'dark and stormy day.'  This more than adequately sets the tone for any story.

There is nothing quite like the joy that is logging into some random site to purchase something or worse, to perform some job function. The level of stress and agitation approaches knife fighting. My wife and I have had three-day arguments that were much more calm than logging into certain sites. Usually the first issue is that I'm using linux. I am not sure why this is an issue because a browser is a browser, regardless of operating system. Some sites require Internet Explorer, which is heinous in the first place. Even Windows users shouldn't be messing with Internet Explorer. In the early days, Clever Folks found a clever way to run Internet Explorer under linux, but not lately. Speculation runs to these Clever Folks killing themselves in the most frightening and painful ways possible.

Fortunately, Internet Exploder is not a requirement for this site. How do I know this?  Because I could not log into the site, regardless of browser or operating system. When I called the site's 800 number, I was told that I had locked myself out, a handy security feature to keep everyone, including me, out of my account. Mind you, I had locked myself out by trying to log in with the credentials they provided. This is what the very nice customer service lady told me. I asked her if it wouldn't have been nice to indicate that I was locked out, but she said no, it was a safety feature. Well, it certainly kept my account safe from me accessing it. She told me that Internet Explorer didn't behave correctly in certain spots so they recommended something else, like Firefox. Firefox is my favorite browser, so this was good. In fact, Firefox works on most operating systems, including Windows, linux, and android. Not sure about iDevices.

Once logged in, I proceeded to the benefits section. Or rather I tried to proceed to the benefits section. The site told me there was an authentication error. Since I keep Firefox pretty locked down, I tried a different browser. Still the error. At this point, in spite of the dark and stormy day, the neighbor across the street decided to do some minor construction. This inevitably involves cutting things with a Very Loud Electric Saw.  In fact, I don't believe they construct anything; they just like sawing things outside.

I tried four more browsers, including one so wide open it's probably a red flag that says HACK ME. Nothing. No authentication. Cursing the existence of Windows, I fired it up in a virtual machine.

The dog, realizing this is a Very Important Activity, tests us by interrupting in his own delightful way... he walks up to me, puts his snout on my knee, and whines pitifully. If I stop petting him, he turns around, comes back again, and continues the whining. This will go on until I get up. (Foolishly) assuming he needs to go outside, I proceed to the door. Almost as if he's laughing at me, he positions himself next to his food bowl. He's having fun, trying to interrupt and annoy me, seeing if I'll get up and feed him. This normally starts an hour or so after he gets fed.

Using the evil Internet Explorer, I log into the site, only to discover that the same error occurs here.

This seemed as good a time as any for my wife to suspect that the noise she hears is mice. She stands absolutely still, waiting for the noise to occur again. Leaning against something turns out to be not as good an idea as first thought - while quietly waiting, she falls over on top of a pile of something or other. My wife is gifted with the grace of a pregnant hippopotamus (that's ok, she has her charms. I'll let you know what they are when I discover them). This fact is documented in her medical charts and is referred to as Positive Tilt. One day at the doctor, he wanted to test her balance and told her to close her eyes and put her arms out. This happened very quickly so I didn't have the chance to tell him this wasn't a very good idea. I made it out of my seat just in time to catch her as she went over. This seems like a very dangerous test and should only be performed in a hospital setting, where she can stand on a hospital bed so she'll be in great shape when she falls down.

Continuing with mice, this activity is not passive. It requires constant vigilance, in case there is more Mouse Noise. HINT: this will become a recurring theme.

Screaming, clenching my fists, and throttling my accelerating urge to throttle someone or something, I know it's time to call the nice people in Support. Again. This nice lady (they all seem uncommonly nice for some reason), without much interaction from me, proceeds to ask me if I'm getting precisely the same error I'm getting. AHA - a known error!  The nice lady tells me yes, this is known to happen sometimes. So why, I wonder out loud, don't they make some sort of notation that this happens? She does not know, but guides me to an alternate way to get where I want to be. This is also not noted, making the site what web designers call user friendly but I call User Hostile.

So I go forth, again, to sign up for benefits. First up is health insurance. This is very important to me, as it's generally expensive and generally required. We're essentially betting a huge corporation that we won't get sick.  I am presented with a choice of ten insurance options, all of which start with Aetna. I've heard horror stories about Aetna, but I've had good luck in the past. Fortunately in the User Hostile mess is an option to compare plans. This is even more fortunate, given the plans all have coded names, completely impossible to understand by normal humans, no less insurance industry types. AETNA QPS1000 was one, followed by AETNA HMO25.7 - are you seeing where this is heading yet?

I pull up a comparison of four insurances, selected because I like some of the numbers in the title, and start trying to figure out the benefits. I was assisted in this by a screen that told them what was important to me. I unchecked random selections like hysterectomy, birth control pills, and mammogram (because I have external plumbing, as you guessed). Trying to figure out the chart was an interesting exercise, even when I put it on a 26" monitor so we could both see. I went to ask Wife a question when I discovered she wasn't there. She was, however, on Mouse Patrol again. This forced me to ask questions loudly, hoping she'd recognize it was a question, as opposed to me just randomly screaming at something. Mostly she failed. After asking a time or four, I got her attention and her answer was "I don't know." I got through most of the comparison on my own because Mouse Patrol seemed to include stopping at random places and cleaning. Cleaning is wonderful, but not when I need somebody sitting next to me, providing a second brain.

The tv was on, which was a shame as nobody was watching it. As I got to a particularly frustrating question on the form, her phone rang. That was about IT for me and I let loose with a tirade that still scares the dog and the neighbors, after many years in the same house. The ringtone, which is the intro from Aerosmith's Back in the Saddle, thunders out of the phone at a volume that scares the shit out of me and causes the phone to walk itself right off the table. The phone is never with my wife when it goes off; it's always near me, as if to provide comic relief to the universe. She looks at me angrily and demands to know why I'm shouting. Well, it's not like I don't complain about the phone every time it shakes the house. Plus I have attention deficit disorder, which makes too much input VERY frustrating (tv, mouse hunting, power saw, phone ringing, and the internal children watching the tv with their mouth instead of their eyes).

The dog, through repeated experiments, has learned that the "Get Daddy off the couch to feed him more" routine only works two or three times.

Four hours later, with the occasional help of my wife, I have selected health insurance. I expected to feel elated with the accomplishment, but I just felt sad and relieved it was over. And then I saw the NEXT button.

NEXT dealt with life insurance. This is where you bet a huge corporation that you won't die. The joke's on them, as you always die. The joke is also on you, as you always die AND if you do so at an inopportune time, your beneficiary won't get paid. I do not know what happens if your beneficiary kills you, thus it's always better to follow the Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Get Caught.

As I'm no longer twenty (physically anyway), life insurance is important. Not for me, but for my wife. Structuring it smartly, I will never be worth more dead than alive. Life insurance comes in many types, with many options and many prices. Never having had life insurance before, every single one of them was foreign to me. There's term life, whole life, half life, and variable universal studios life. Some have premiums that go up. Some can be borrowed against. Some can't be paid out at all. And some allow you to visit Universal Studios at a small discount, in the middle of winter, in years that end with three. I asked my local expert, who, at that moment walked out the door for a smoke break. Unsure how that was going to help, I perused some web links, looking for prices. When there were prices at all, they were for several more types of insurance that I could not understand if I spent my entire life in life insurance. And they were all rated for thirty-year-old non-smoking women, of which I am only non-smoking. The other option was to ask for a quote online, which would no doubt result in constant calls from life insurance salesmen, which is only slightly less annoying than having to use Internet Explorer.

Where was my Subject Matter Expert? Simultaneously cleaning and on Mouse Patrol. I considered myself lucky that she was at least on the same floor as me. If I needed her on an emergent basis, I could always stand near her, gesticulating wildly and screaming at the top of my lungs, in hopes she'd notice me.

As it turns out, you can make your dog sole beneficiary.
If you have any questions, please ask. When she reads this, and she will, I'll be spending a lot of time on the couch, so I will be able to answer inquiries at all hours.

If you get nothing else from this entry, I hope you get a giggle and my single piece of wisdom around insurance: When the going gets tough, quit. It's better for your blood pressure and well-being in general. I did, and survived to write this blog entry. This will no doubt be a problem when I have to log back in (if I can) and re-fill out the same information all over again. I now need to sit with people much smarter than me (football players with traumatic brain injuries and rappers) to figure out which options I need.

Next week I'll tell you about my 401k. I anticipate the experience like I anticipate a dental visit - with me running as fast as I can in the opposite direction. And when I can't come up with any other new material, I'll tell you about the dream I just had. It was kind of like The Bachelor, but with eager women in skimpy black lingerie. Perhaps it was just like The Bachelor.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Remember when signing up for benefits involved someone from Human Resources handing you a pamphlet and forms to sign? I do not want to be accused of being a Luddite, but the electronic way just doesn't work.

Daydream Believer and a Cross-Dressing Queen

What a difference two syllables makes: ISIS received quite a bump in recruitment after a story about a militant who executed his own mother. They thought it said mother-in-law.

• Deaf rappers are taking on the music industry. As opposed to tone deaf?

By the time you read this, Internet Explorer 11 will be the only IE supported by Microsoft. As we all know, Internet Exploder should never be used anyway, but it you must, make sure you're running IE 11. I feel dirty.

• A man who ordered a Kindle received a patient's tumor sample. It's a very understandable mixup but this blog wanted to warn you. Don't order Kindles.

A mountain lion killed in Idaho had a fully formed set of teeth on its forehead. ISIS suspected.

• Volkswagen's CEO says, "We are not crooks," by which he means "We are crooks."

SELFIE BRIGADE

Police in India's Mumbai city identify 15 places where taking selfies "can be dangerous", a week after an 18-year-old drowned while taking a selfie. Never mind drunk driving or chainsaws - pretty soon selfies will be the major cause of death in the world.

Continuing the theme, a Lima, Ohio man was not happy with the mug shot police took of him. Though he is still at large, he sent them a selfie to use instead.

• Crocs has posted a tribute to David Bowie. In case you don't remember, I'm vice president of The Committee to Eradicate Crocs in Our Lifetime. We haven't had much success lately, especially with my own wife.

Somewhere on the net is video of a man stealing a python by putting it down his pants. Who would have thought this could go spectacularly wrong?

• "Koro" or "Penis Panic" is a type of mass hysteria in which men believe their penises are vanishing. Gives new meaning to Don't Panic!

LEGO has been found to be complicit in ISIS torture: captives forced to walk on them. Four of out Five captives prefer beheading.

• Seen on Twitter: Hillary should watch the State of the Union address from a federal prison cell.

Happy birthday to Monty Python's Carol Cleveland (73 or 74, depending on source).

This issue would not be complete without some verified porn facts:

• Over 35% of all Internet downloads are pornographic.
• Scholars at the University of Montreal were unable to study men who do not watch porn because they could not find any.
• Mia Khalifa responded to anonymous threats from fanatic muslims threatening to cut her head off with “long as it’s not my tits. They were expensive.”

Have a seat... I want to say something nice about the president. I just read that during Beau Biden's brain cancer trauma, the VP lamented that they'd have to sell things to cover medical bills. Obama offered money, for which he receives high praise from me. It was then I realzied that the Bidens had Obamacare.

• What was it like in the wild west days of the internet, when there were anonymous sites, where groupies could rate the size and prowess of the rock stars they bedded....

TAX SEASON is coming up. Watch out for fake IRS phishing emails. Also fake Ebay emails. Go to the website instead.

Another one bites the dust. Glenn Frey, 67, of the Eagles, died from complications of intestinal difficulties and several other things. Joe Walsh had better lock himself away for safe keeping. With that in mind, I give the Eagles Farewell Tour.

Funny Stats I See from Blogger [or Who Has the Mac?]

Ok, who has the Mac?

Normally it wouldn't matter.  I manage somewhat of a coexistence with Macs for the most part.  But boy, these dandy new stats I am seeing are the bees knees.

Let's take today.   Please.
The blog was viewed by a few Windows users, a few linux users, and what looks like one Mac. How can you, a loyal Mac fan/acolyte/addict, view this blog?  Aren't you afraid you'll get cooties?

In addition, the stats break further down by browsers.  There's IE (boo!), Firefox, Arora, and Safari (aha - MACS!).

I'm not even gonna ask which one of you is in Germany...

Arora?

Yeah, Arora - got a problem wid dat?

Ancient Blogger Secret: if I read my blog and leave comments with Arora (a tiny linux browser), I'll know that the other two or three browsers belong to actual readers. Because no one in their right mind surfs with Arora (except me and a few other linux geeks worldwide). And the likelihood that either of the two other Arora geeks will stumble upon my blog is infinitesimally small, like a full turnout on primary day.

DISCLAIMER

I don't care what OS or browser you use.  I'm thankful you came by.