Captivity - Day One

Idiot governor Tom Wolf declared closure as of last night, so Pennsylvania is locked down.

I got up early this morning, around 1pm, and surveyed the damage.
It was sunny, which only served to add to the confusion. This happened because idiot governor and state legislature ruled that it can only be sunny once a week at most. Mother Nature obeyed.

The guard posted at our door nodded good morning. I invited him in for coffee; he seemed about ready to come in, then he recoiled. For some reason, we're the only house on the block with a guard. He has a hazmat suit, so I figure he's one of idiot governor's boys. We make coffee a lot and leave the door open, so he can smell the rich aroma of French roast. If they're going to stand outside, we're going to play with them.

Mrs lefty had been on the phone. This is not actually different from normal. She talked to all our relatives, plus some other people's relatives.  She revealed the discussions to me, when I fell down the stairs at 1pm. Everybody was calm. Most knew there was something off with this. There is nothing sweeter than vindication.

If you're going to be held hostage in your house, the present is a decent time, strictly in the area of technology. You have the internet, phones, and video conference. Unless, of course, the other end of the video has an iDevice, then you're f'd. iDevices use Facetime, which no other device on the planet does, so you have to find another way to do things.  Hint: the encrypted text messenger called Signal has video too, and runs on all phones or computers.


Me? I'm still furious.
We are big boys and girls. We can make our own decisions. If we want to play at Corona Playground, there's no reason we shouldn't. We have had our movement restricted for no good reason, nor is there a good reason to restrict movement.

Stay with me a moment, please.
If you have a brain cell in your head, you're not going out close-dancing. You're going out for food, medicine, and hopefully to help others. There is no radical change - you use your best sense. We do not need to be restricted in movement. The government isn't going to rid us of anything but tax money. This is a perfect explanation of why we don't need Big Government. In fact, many Big Government roadblocks have been removed, so food and services can continue. Just like the libertarians said. You don't need all that crap to live your life. The roadblocks aren't helping anybody.

• most importantly: remain calm
• if absolutely necessarily, watch the news or check social media ONCE a day. More than that is toxic: it focuses you on Bad.
• help others, especially the elderly and sick - there have been all sorts of stories of neighborhoods getting together, maintaining help groups and keeping in touch by email.
• make Family Time. This ancient art existed before Faceyspaces. Play board games. Tell scary stories. Watch some absolutely hideous tv.  What manly men haven't played Barbies with their little girl? What manly men haven't played Barbies without their little girl? What manly men haven't played dress up like Barbie? Please don't respond to that question.

Mrs lefty stated that the captivity will have some consequences: family feud, divorces, alcoholics, and Corona Babies. Please use contraception unless you are already trying for a baby. I'm thinking about alcoholism, but my old boss suggested drugs. He said it took too long to get good at alcoholism. RIP, you big dummy.

I'm thinking of removing our car's muffler and painting FREE CORONAVIRUS on the sides of the car, so I can go cruising. If you're in the hood, stop by and see me. I'll be just in front of the police car with the flashing lights. You should probably wait the til police car goes away first. You don't want idiot governor to throw you in gulag without hazmat suit.

You Had One Job...

Dear Cell Phone Hut:

I wanted to put in a good word for the cell phone case you sold me last week.  You see, it's been a rough week...

IT all started with the surprise news that my brother was in.  He lives across the country so it's always nice to see him when he comes in.  Brother #2 was going to be out with Nephew #1 at karate practice, then we were all going to meet at their house for dinner.  Simple, no?

Not at my house.

I had one job: to perform the duties of my second gig.  There I sat, remotely connected to the office, performing away.

My phone rings, which is never a good sign.  I love my cell phone, largely because very few people have the number and even fewer use it.  It's Brother #2, calling to give me the food order, as Wife #1 didn't answer her cell phone.


My wife had one job: to answer the phone and take the food order, after which we'd pick it up.  The cell phone that, it turned out, was located right next to her head in the bed.

I interrupted my billable hours to take a food order, then YELL up the stairs.  Honey?  HONEY?  DEAR?  HEY YOU!

But it was not to be.

Of course it was not to be.  If she missed the phone ringing next to her head, she was certain not to hear my bellowing from one floor down, with the door closed and the room fan on Blizzard setting.  

At about this point, I realized my billable hours just got cut in half.  Up the steps I went to let my dear wife know what the plan was.  I was hopeful she'd be able to handle this, which is usually my downfall.

Brother Number #2 called.  I have the food order.  We're shooting for 7:20.  You need to call and get the parents' order. 

"What do they want?" 

I have the food order. 

"What time do we have to be there?" 

7:20, like I just said.  Hello.. is this thing on?

"So we have to call in the order at 7:20?" 

No, we have to be there at 7:20.

At this point, I'm looking around, trying to find who else might be in the room talking to her.  Or where the camera crew is, as we're obviously filming a really bad parody of `Who's On First'.

And when I say we have to be there at 7:20, I mean it's 7:00 now. 

"Oh." 

And you have to call the parents and get their order. 

"Ok."

OK is a bad word.  It can mean anything from OK to `Go f- yourself, I'm going back to sleep'.

But, ever the trooper, the wife got up, came downstairs, and called the parents.

And when I say called the parents, I mean she sat on the front steps, smoking like a chimney and talking and talking and talking to my mother.

I honestly had work to do but could tell that nothing was going to get done.  My temperature started rising very quickly and in a bad way.

Honey.  HONEY.  DEAR!

She walks through the front door and tells my mother I'm yelling at her to get off the phone.

You had one job: to call in the food order.

"I'm sorry.  What time do we have to be there?" 

7:20 - and it's 7:10. 

"Oh, I thought we were leaving at 7:20."

I'm doing all I can to keep myself under control.  My head is revolving like Linda Blair in The Exorcist and I'm spitting pea soup.  I know the camera crew must be around somewhere because this can't possibly be happening.

Who am I talking to? 

"I'm sorry - all I saw was your lips moving and some grumbling; I'm not awake." 

$*&$#@#) 

"Do you have the phone number?" 

No. 

"Look it up." 

$*&$#@#)

I hand her the phone with the number.  She immediately clicks an unrelated link then puts the phone to her ear while it surfs the web  [eyes rolling].  When I point this out, she tries to bring the number back, gives up and hands me the phone.

I can't tell you exactly how it happened but all I know is that the phone became airborne, launching itself all the way across the house, accompanied by her sharp OOH!

When we eventually located it, the phone was just fine but we could only find half the case.  So thank you, Cell Phone Hut, for the case that gave its life to protect my cell phone.

Apparently my wife became awake at about this point.  I need to remember that she can look awake when she's not :)    She then completed her one job; calling in the food order.

Off we went to pick up the food.  At the end of the street was a car.  A police car.  Parked next to another car, completely blocking the street.  We sat there and were actively ignored by everybody walking around, finally deciding to back out the other way.  7:20 was a remote fantasy by this time.

On the way to get the food, we were treated to the most interesting displays of Stupid Driving imaginable.  People riding their brakes, stopping for no apparent reason, then going through lights.

We arrived at Brother #2's house only twenty minutes late.  It was some sort of minor miracle.

And when we opened the food, the order was wrong.  

The restaurant had one job.....

Thanks

This would be my first Thanksgiving post here on Blogger.  So I'm sitting here, waiting for some words to start appearing and arranging themselves on the screen.  Much like asking the cat to cook dinner, I'm starting to realize that perhaps this is not going to go exactly as requested.

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I'd like to lead with heartwarming.  A coworker spent a Thanksgiving at a hospital, where his daughter was undergoing treatment for leukemia.  Tragically, she slipped away.  They noticed that Thanksgiving was pretty bleak for those concerned so every year since, they deliver dinner to families undergoing treatment.  Others at work are getting involved.  Bravo and happy day to you all.

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Next up, I'd like to thank my readers here (both of you).  The tranistion from my former home to Blogger was not without complications and I'd like to thank the folks who followed me as well as the new people.  Lots of folks have been stopping by from countries where I don't speak the language.  Welcome.  Whatever happy accident brought you here is my gain.  Yours too, I hope.

Now I have to stop typing because, once again, Mr. Loud from the Loud Family (across the street) is using power tools after 10:30pm.  I am having (even more) trouble concentrating.  I think the poor guy just needs a girlfriend.  You see, he's married, yet he spends all this time working on the house.  Using power tools early in the morning and late at night is a classic spousal-avoidance move.  If not a girlfriend, maybe a booty call now and then.  The guy's wife has a bumper sticker that says `My Other Car is a Broom' and she's not kidding.

I was just about the be thankful for the apparent cessation of the power tools when another member of the Loud Family took off on his Honda Davidson V8 bike with no muffler.  The houses on both sides of the street are still shaking.

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Today was our Thanksgiving party at work.  Everybody on the team came prepared.  I haven't seen so much homemade food at one place in years.  I noticed there was a lot of red food and a coworker clued me in that this was because we work with a lot of `eyetalians'.  Being one herself, she should probably know.  I hear we were in pretty good shape for those with OCD, because they could put all the red food on one plate and go back for other colors later.

The super-abundance of food did nothing to trump the rather large amount of alcohol amassed for the event.  Up until today I had not heard of anything called Birthday Cake Vodka.  I don't generally drink but one whiff of this stuff and I was no longer a Vodka Virgin.  What did it taste like?  Cake.  I'm not kidding.  I wonder if there's a chocolate vodka...

As great a party as it was, I was kinda disappointed that no one wore a lampshade, swung from the chandelier, or did something highly embarrassing that they would not remember until I showed them (and everyone else) the video.  In hindsight, perhaps it was a good idea to avoid Drunken Blowdarts after all.

But it's ok - we're in the early planning stages of the Xmas party.  Not sure how we're going to top this party, but we are a very strong, creative group that never fails.

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My brother is in for the holidays.  My relatives would cackle madly if they heard me saying this (and if you repeat it, I will deny it) but it's nice to have the family together.  Having a sibling across the country makes it difficult to get together.

I noticed that every time he comes in, the weather is more gloomy than the previous time.  I'd hate for him to think it's gloomy here in PA every single day (as opposed to every other day).  We're already well past the all time record for yearly rainfall.

At work I mentioned the brother coming in and someone asked me if he was as sarcastic as me.  After thinking about it and much giggling, I realized you don't want to be a fly on the wall when the three of us get going.  Mostly you don't want to be the object of our conversation.   Poor Mom.

There will be food.   Oof, will there be food.  In a fairly new tradition, cooking is getting split up and everyone is doing what they do best.  Nobody loses.

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Happy, healthy, and safe Thanksgiving to you and yours, from all of us here at ThermionicEmissions.