The Unemployment Follies (#6) - Lefty's Flying CIrcus

Yes, it's another installment of the Unemployment Follies, starring the leftystrat household; the wives, the pets and me.  Judging by the title, you know I'm still without serious employment (or even non-serious employment).

SINKING?

How are things, you ask?
Things are, by and large, still things, only shrunk down by fifty percent. It getting time to call some creditors.  Do you think I can explain to them that since my income dropped by fifty percent, my payments will drop accordingly?

Perception is everything, though.
To anybody looking in, I must look like I'm on some pretty heavy drugs. I spend every day looking for jobs for a few hours, then do some housework (while my wife holds me at gunpoint).  But I'm surprisingly calm.

Of course, I'm probably the only one who's calm. The wife is absolutely Not Impressed with my state of Not Working.  She (et.al.) is in a state of PTSD-induced unrest.  She keeps me on the straight and narrow, memorizing my phone and in-person interviews and asking me if they're still happening.  While the dog is still loving having me home, the wife is definitely not.  Since I have been home, she has taken up a new hobby: laundry.  Nobody knows why but a girl has to have her recreation time.  I tired telling her that it's not necessary to wash clothes every day but there's no dissuading her.  I was kinda hoping she would take up nymphomania but things don't always work out the way one would like.

The neighbor who asked if the house will be going up for sheriff's sale has been really nice, bringing over stuff from the garden.  The other neighbor has been leaving care packages.  For some reason, they include a lot of bread.  Fortunately the dog loves bread, as if we could keep him out of it.  My mom just made us dinner.  We're not destitute by any means but I feel rich in friends and family (ok, and slightly embarrassed).  I even took down the NOT STARVING sign on the house.

AUTO-MOBILE

I'm not exactly certain which neighbors know what but the reactions are priceless. The lady across the street came over to congratulate my wife on the new car.  My wife had to tell her it was a rental.  The good neighbor took one look at the rental car and said, "Oh dear... not again!"  Several other neighbors no doubt think we own a car lot (or are drug dealers).

I have come up with a solution for our next car.  The first part is to NOT LET HER DRIVE.  The other part is to purchase the car and three entire sets of bodies (to be stored at the body shop).  This way, when people hit us (and they WILL hit us), all we have to do is drop the car at the shop and have them replace the body part(s) from our existing inventory.  We won't even have to call the insurance company (at least until we're through the three entire sets of bodies).

Speaking of accidents, my dear wife finally realized that she has a sprained knee and opposite ankle.  This is somewhat compounded by both of her feet swelling like clown feet.  The neighborhood children want to use them for pool floats.  In fact, she's sitting next to me as I type this, blissfully unaware of the content.  Swelling feet are going to look minor in comparison with what she's going to do to me.

Speaking of doing things to me, I have to do my part to help by wrapping ace bandages around her ankles.  Here we are, with this perfect deviant sexual aid, and we're using it for health reasons. Again, I am embarrassed.


WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?

So when I'm not job-hunting, doing housework at gunpoint or wrapping my wife's ankles for health reasons, there is always TV.  I prefer internet tv, as there's almost always something I want to watch. My wife, on the other hand, lives on broadcast tv. You know, old style, plug in the rabbit ears, horrible reception television.  What makes this really horrible is that she likes to watch ancient black and white movies (from just after they added sound) and really old, horrible sitcoms from before we were born. Leave it to Beaver, anyone?

The absolute worst time of the day is during the day, when all the court shows are on. Judge Lynn, Judge Stanislaus, and the most repugnant (and famous) show of all, Judge Judy.  I am convinced that we can eliminate the national debt by selling tickets to have a whack at Judge Judy with a two-by-four (with a railroad spike in it).  There's Divorce Count, People's Court and Banana Nut Bread Court. After being an involuntary spectator in all of these courtrooms, I figure there's really only one court we need: Grammar Court.  Have you heard how these people speak?

With any tv, you get the absolute best part - commercials.  There is a current commercial for a digital tv antenna that boasts tremendous reception and no cable costs.  For those of us with a functional brain, this is a rabbit-ears equivalent that's being sold as a small miracle.

I also discovered that with a certain cable service, one can DVR up to fifteen programs at once.  This is stunning news, that must be reported at once to either Guiness World Records or your local exterminator.  The first thing that occurs to me is why you need to record up to fifteen programs at once when you can barely find one program that's even halfway decent at any time.

Then there's the sue Sue SUE attorney ads.  No matter what the ailment, they can get you MONEY. And they can do it NOW!  Their close cousins are the drug ads.  If you have suffered from a sore groin, hypertension or death, please call 1-800-SUE-YOU2.

Huh? If you have suffered from death, please call?  Dunno about you, but I'd love to be there to watch that phone call.

Today we got an extremely rare treat.. we got to watch CHIPS on the Antedeluvian Channel.  I never saw the show when it came out but I was aware of it and the fact that it was a joke.  Today I found out precisely why it was a joke.  Absolutely the worst acting, writing and shooting job I have ever seen.  You know things are bad when you find yourself longing for the clarity, wit, and fashion sense of The Fresh Prince of BelAir.

We watched stuff like that?
CHIPS was bloody huge in its day (tell them, Eric).

Also amusing were the wacky antics of the police in ADAM-12.  This museum-view of the police took place when people used dial phones and before police started randomly beating people, shooting dogs, and breaking into apartments, shooting babies, then discovering they had the wrong house.  They used antiquated phrases like 'Yes Sir', 'Yes Ma'am' and 'You get it, Pete.'  There was something odd about police in California arresting lowlifes with southern accents.


THE JOB

So how goes the job hunt?
Apparently pretty poorly, judging from the title of this post.  I hope I'm still going to be amusing when I get a new job.

Since I last wrote, I've been approached for jobs in Arkansas, New York, New Jersey and possibly Saudi Arabia (relocation costs covered!).  When travel time is over an hour, the job stops being local.

I'm told this is the time for information security people.  You'd think that the recent breaches at Target, Home Depot and (horrors!) Dairy Queen would indicate the need for security professionals.  One recruiter told me all the security people are employed (except for this one, obviously).

But I'm online, on phone and on the toilet a lot.  Things are opening up (so to speak).  I'm even in a pilot program from the state to help the unemployed find jobs.  The last time I went to the pilot program, the doors were all locked.  I suspect the pilot crashed.  It does make me wonder why I was specially chosen.  Is it because I'm the first ex-Jew they have ever seen?  Maybe it's because my dog is black.

Tech Support - WHAT Tech Support?

Whenever I call or email tech support, I'm really nice.  It's because I know they have a terrible job and I've been there myself.  Although I no longer do helpdesk work, I do work closely with them during my hours of toiling.

In the past two weeks, I have had two horrible experiences with tech support.  At this point one issue has been resolved and I have only recently stopped scraping pieces of my cranium off the ceiling long enough to type this out for my friends in hilarity..... Suffice it to say, if my department at work performed this way, we'd all be out looking for jobs.

Apparently this is not the case everywhere.

The Case of the Bad Display

I recently got an HP Elitebook laptop at work.  It is roughly the weight of a medium size car and has a seventeen inch display.  It is manly and magnificent.  We have purchased rather a lot of HP laptops and desktops at work as a result of transitioning from Dell Hell.  Sadly, one day I turned the laptop on and got only a gray display.

HP phone support was very helpful.  We diagnosed a bad display and they said a tech would be in touch to schedule a time to come out and fix it.

A week later, I called HP, wondering where my personal tech was.   They told me there was an issue with getting the parts and he would be calling tomorrow.

Another few days later, I called HP again.  The rep read the log and asked me what he could help me with.  Well, if he read the log, he'd realize no one had called or come out to fix my laptop's errant display.  I politely let him know there was no movement from last time.  He said to excuse him for a moment.

Did you ever wonder where tech support goes when they ask you to hold on?  Do they switch displays and continue watching whatever kind of porn tech support enjoys?  Are they writing a few additional chapters of their autobiography?  Pee-pee break?  I sure as hell don't know.

Tech Support Guy comes back and informs me that Repair Guy called last Friday.

No he didn't.  The phone didn't ring all day Friday and no one left me voicemail.

In any case, Tech Support Guy was going to phone Repair Guy personally and have him get back to me within thirty minutes.  That was kinda nice, actually.

Shortly thereafter, Repair Guy calls and says he's an hour out and would be happy to drop by to fix the problem.

More surprisingly, Repair Guy made it within the alloted time and found the building.  I work in the Twilight Zone, which is supposed to appear on Google Maps but doesn't really.  To find our building, you have to possess at least a few working brain cells, which rules out most of the people who try.

Repair Guy was very competent, personal and professional.   I have to admit that I hate working on laptops.. too many tiny parts that tend to become airborne and land in the carpet, where they rest in peace forever.  This guy tore the entire laptop down in no time, screwed in the new display and powered up the laptop.

Have you ever seen a broken laptop display?  It looks a little like fractals on acid.  I hesitated to point this out because we were apparently looking at a display that was broken right out of the box.  As it turned out, I didn't have to say anything because Repair Guy said it for me.

My company purchases a warranty for next day service because we can't have machines down.  Here we are, a week and a half out, and I still don't have a functional laptop display.  I hate to say this but we didn't have this problem with Dell (we had lots of other problems).

Repair Guy apologizes profusely and says he'll get another display overnighted.  Of course, overnighted refers only to shipping, not whether the warehouse has the part in stock.  So he might be back the following day and he might not.

Two days later, Repair Guy returns, pops in the new display and all is well in the world.  Total time: two weeks.

I'm loving the service, HP.
My coworkers inform me that you have honored your promises on every other repair.  Although I'm not surprised the glitch affects only my computer, I'm still saddened by it.




The Case of the Errant Security Cameras

Work purchased an eight channel security camera system with DVR to keep watch over the place.  The reviews on Amazon were very favorable and I felt comfortable going forth.

In spite of not knowing a thing about security cameras or DVRs, the system went up without a hitch.  And when I say without a hitch, I mean eight hours of hurling wires above a drop ceiling and falling off ladders.

Once everything got plugged in, it worked perfectly.
And when I say perfectly, I mean that all eight cameras worked and I got the whole thing configured, mostly without consulting the manual.  It was a minor shock to all present.

One of the neatest features of the system is that you can plug it into your network and monitor the cameras remotely, like on your phone.  Everyone was excited.

And when I say everyone was excited, I mean right up until I tried plugging the thing into the network. I gave it an IP address (like a house address for the network) and it completely failed to show up on the network.  I gave it a different IP address, which also failed to show up on the network.   I even tried giving it a third IP address and screaming, all for naught.  It's funny - screaming is a necessary technique employed by anyone who has ever worked on computers (or possibly cars).

After mucking about with this device way too long, I decided to email tech support.  I received an email response in record time, uplifting my spirits.  When I say my spirits were uplifted, I mean right up until reading the email, which was the equivalent of a long wait on the phone: "We're sorry but we're really busy.  Your email is very important to us.  Because of higher than normal email volumes, we will answer this email within one to five days.  You are cordially invited to hold your breath until then.  Remember, your email is very important to us."

One solid week later without a response to my very important email made me weary, in a very large and existential way.

Things were getting grim so I had to bite the bullet and get on Support Chat with them.  The cute little box informed me that I would have to wait up to three minutes.  Two minutes.  Then one minute or less.  Funny how time flies when you're waiting for someone to answer.  It was like watching a Microsoft Copy Dialog Box, which tells you that you have four seconds to go but it really means forty minutes.

Eight minutes later, Support Chat Guy hops on chat.  I explain the issue to him.  He tells me I need to plug the device into a router.  I am working on a huge business network with hundreds of computers and he wants me to plug the DVR into the business router, as if I were a home user.

I shook my head and explained to Support Chat Guy that this was a business and there was no way to plug the DVR into the router.  He said we might not be able to get the unit working then.

Sigh.

I told the fellow that I gave the box an IP address and it's not coming up on the network.  He spends thirty chat minutes (175 minutes in dog chat) trying to get me to plug the DVR into the router.  I keep telling him the router is not a concern if the device isn't showing up.

Sigh.

As I mentioned, I don't want to be rude but I do want my problem solved expeditiously, which isn't going to happen if this guy can't think outside of the box of Home User.  It is apparent that he does not understand networking and I don't wish to spend the time to school him.  I suggest the next level of support and he suggests I call on the phone.

Done.

So I call on the phone.  The noise in the background sounds worse than the noise in the background of my workplace, which has been described as `slightly louder than a soccer riot'.  Phone Support Guy reads over my case and immediately asks me to plug the DVR into my router.

This is like deja vu all over again.

I try explaining networking to this nice person, who apparently realizes that he is over his head much faster than his colleague.  He suggests having a higher level support tech call me back.  Unfortunately due to the time difference (I didn't ask but I'm guessing Estonia, Moldavia, or Eastern Bumfuct - the English side) they can only reach me between three and four o'clock so it might not be today.

Two days later there is a voicemail from the camera company, stating that he has tried to reach me two times.

Really?


WHY IS THIS SO INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT?