Voluntary Captivity

If you're bored and happen to have an Alexa, Siri, or Google Assistant hanging around, here are 1,000 phrases that 'false trigger' them...


The US has purchased the world stock of Flying AIDS drug Remdesivir.
Little is known about the drug, which may or may not treat the Flying AIDS, on several days of the week, but at least we own it all now, nyah nyah.


According to the Detroit police chief, facial recognition software misidentified 96% of the time, which is "good enough for us."


Happy 4th to everyone!
People died so you would have social media. Thank them.




Don't forget about your unconscious bias.
You know... the bias you have against certain groups, of which you're not aware.

A recent study revealed that 95% of people had an unconscious bias against people pointing guns at them. The Union to Destroy Unconscious Bias said this was unconscionable and would work diligently to remove this stigma on people who just happen to be carrying weapons. The Union further said this is a particularly nasty bias if the weapon-holder is black. They suggest that if you encounter a black person pointing a gun at you, you should give him everything you have, even taking him to your house and giving him everything you have there too, to atone for your unconscious bias, white guilt, and the lack of reparations. Perhaps if you admit your bias and give up all your worldly possessions, the person with the gun won't shoot you. You must understand their struggle.

The Anti Defamation League is revving its engines, figuring out how to get in on the Guilt Thing.  They have seen what black people are able to accomplish and believe they can rise to the occasion, after the black people are done, and take advantage of Guilt. What the ADL is not counting on is Guilt Fatigue. This is when the crackers give and give and give, so they have nothing else. They're not interested in hearing more guilt: the black people have worn them out.


I need all my readers to get on this: visitors to national parks are still over 70% white. We cannot let this go unanswered.



I was bored, so I thought I'd go out surfing to find some new stuff.
I finally found the solution to all net boredom: find the lists of sites to be blocked for children and visit the sites it recommends. There are porn new sites I never heard of!



Hillary Clinton mourns the upcoming suicide of Ghislane Maxwell, associate of Jeffrey Epstein.




GUITAR CONTENT

So, that Tech 21 Fly Rig from ebay..... it had a little trouble, in the form of motorboating or oscillating. Whenever I turned the gain up, the thing started making noises. At one point, it was so bad, the box seemed to have a built in tremolo. It was a pretty cool box, when it wasn't motorboating. It had 2 preamp sections, Tech 21 and Plexi. Tech 21 sounded like any old tube amp, but with a master volume. Plexi sounded a little like a Marshall, plus it had a boost on a separate switch. It had delay and reverb, but the reverb was only available with the Tech 21 setting, which I found odd.

Since the rest of the Fly Rigs are pretty expensive, I'm looking around for something else. Doug Aldrich has a signature distortion pedal out for about $100, that seems to do everything from light boost to distortion. I'm leaning this way. There are over 14 billion different overdrive/distortion pedals. If you don't believe me, check ebay. Some are just rebranded, like Mooer and all the rest. Just in case you're asking, a $90 Mooer is not going to sound just like a $400 whatever it's attempting to be, but it can get close. Your best bet is to head to YouTube to listen for a demo. That Pedal Show is really good. Their Dumble shootout was very interesting.



ROME — Pope Francis told members of the Catholic Press Association Tuesday that the media should build bridges, defend life, and help people, especially the young, “to distinguish good from evil.”  Because we're very busy molesting little boys.

But Who Will MOW? [shopping edition]

There are indications that Hillary Clinton is planning a 2020 run.
It has been pointed out that in the past, I have been unkind to her. In order to make things fair, I have put together some campaign slogans for her, which she's welcome to use as my gift:

• Lean and Mean: I only eat 4 babies a day
• Clinton/Cheney 2020: Satan is on our side
• Because Queen Elizabath ain't the only reptilian on the planet
• My husband fucked a lot of ugly women. I'm going to fuck you ALL.

"lefty must've ordered something online."
How do you know?
"He seems very very mad and is about to unleash it on the blog."

For a moment there, I was the AntiTech: electrons somehow flowed around me, refusing to come near enough to actually perform any useful work.

I knew we needed Jeff Beck tickets - the concert is coming up. Missing Jeff Beck is unthinkable. It's a religious pilgrimage.  Nobody in the house retains well, so I was all set to go, when I finally remembered what happens when I try to spend money online.... good friggin' luck. I really need to make notes with what finally worked, although that's subject to change.

So I started to shake a little, feeling that dread in the pit of my stomach, as if I had somehow signed up to fight Mike Tyson. Only Mike Tyson can theoretically be beaten: ticket vendors cannot. There is a distinct prejudice against linux, no matter what they tell you. They say to use X or Y browser. Here's some news, guys.. neither of them work, but they fail in different places.

On linux, my wide open browser, with no protection, accepting cookies, did not work. The next one found seats(!), let me select them, then sat there, with "Getting your seats ready" on the screen. Five minutes later, I used a Windows machine to do the same thing. It got past the hump and even to where I pay! I put in my credit card information, hit PURCHASE, then it told me I hadn't selected a card. Of course I selected a card - I spend the last few minutes typing in my information. To make this more fun, there is a timer. If you exceed the allotted time, it releases your seats and you have to start over again. So I typed in my info again, and again it told me I needed to put in payment info. I'm using Internet Explorer here, folks... what's the problem? I exceeded the time limit and was well past the end of my patience. There was much screaming.

I gave up on the first browser, which was still "Getting your seats ready" and tried a third browser, this time on linux. FINALLY I managed to select AND pay for the tickets. I felt like a conquering hero. A conquering hero who was completely beyond anyone's tolerance for absolute friggin' nonsense. I was ready to set fire to an orphanage by this point, Live Nation. All I had to do was print the tickets. You know where this is going, right? No paper. Reach down to a convenient pack of paper, pull out a handful of paper. With holes punched in it. Apparently you can buy pre-punched paper by the ream, not that I remember buying any. Go into next room to a pile of paper and promptly knock over a bunch of paper, none of it blank. The next pile was bright red paper, which is always welcome by the nice folks at the door. Finally got the white paper and printed two sets of tickets; the second to keep in the car when I forget the originals but am already at the stadium. Sometimes I outsmart myself.

So it's the next day and I am instructed to pick up some food at the store.

At the store, I call Wife to ask a question. Nothing. Zip. Not a ring. Hmmm... maybe it's my phone.  Nope, good signal. Try again.... right to voicemail. Try a third time.. nothing. People ask my wife to let them know when I go food shopping because they like to watch what happens when I get agitated. We've all seen some person talking on a phone in a store. We haven't all seen someone using the phone as a sledgehammer, banging it on shelves and the floor, cursing up a cloud of #*@&@#%^ and questioning his effect on the universe. Just leave the kids at home, ok folks?

At home, I casually mention I called four times. When I say casually mention, I mean her hair actually blew horizontally and stayed there for 15 minutes, while she covered her ears from the sheer volume.  "But my phone has been right here the whole time and hasn't rung."  I believe her. I show her my outgoing call log. She believes me.

Fifteen minutes later I discover that someone 'assisted' her by putting the phone on airplane mode so she could rest. There is no bit of helpful technology that we can't screw up.


We already know I take a lot of crap for my socks. They're white bloody socks - how offensive or silly could they possibly be? They're the wrong height. I think they're supposed to either disappear into my shoe or come to my knees, like a gang member. Homey don't play dat. If I can buy the socks at CostCo, they're obviously not from the previous century.

It's time for some shorts and tank shirts. Since were just past the first major heat wave, I'm afraid the stores won't be carrying shorts now.. perhaps fall or winter gear. Cuz you don't want to buy summer clothes in the summer.  And after I buy them, they're going to be the wrong length. Fortunately I won't take a lot of ribbing because I rarely leave the house. Because I grew up when I grew up, my shorts came down to roughly half my calf. Unfortunately someone decided that men's shorts needed to come to their knees or lower, like some sort of a skirt, again for gang members (or transvestites). I retain some shorts from before, but I am forbidden to wear them outside the house. Fair enough. I don't want to be the Weird Dude who wears 'child molester' shorts. I have two pairs of shorts in skirt length, in case I get caught out of doors.

My wife, a very smart and tolerant woman, enables me by finding swim shorts, which don't come in skirt length. Then I get laughed at for being out of the house in a bathing suit. Are you seeing a pattern here? Using our collective gray matter, we figured a 2nd hand store might be the place for me. People dumping their clothes from the 70s and 80s might agree with my very advanced fashion sense. Let's face it: it's only a matter of time til they come back in style, as if they were new and no one had ever seen them before. Of course it's difficult to get to the 2nd hand store when you're voluntarily agoraphobic and your wife is 12 hours behind your schedule. I'm typing, it's sunny out, and she's sleeping. I'm starting to think, after 20 years, it's personal. I catch on quick.

Knowing two of us being awake and leaving the house is something that just can't happen due to laws of physics, it was suggested I go online. Since I catch on real gud, it's only just occurring to me what a boon online shopping is. Never mind that a former VP at work said she loved it, about 20 years ago. Never mind that you can't try it on - just return it! There are pictures, largely indicating the shorts are not as short as I want, but still not extreme skirts. I like the concept of finding what you want by typing it in. Sometimes I'm really confused at the results for shorts, though...

NO.

makes your package look bigger.  Buy 2 for your bra!

CHILDREN visit Amazon

searching for men's shorts?

Then there's the bike shorts (padded or no). For some reason, you are not allowed to get on a bicycle without these shorts. I know a female who wears these. I don't laugh at her because she wears them well. Since I don't ride a bike or even own a helmet, I'm not wearing those shorts. Oh yeah, no one wants to see me in them either. I'd get arrested, then the entire local police force would laugh at me. There are cargo shorts too. They seem ok to me, but are the butt of 25% of the jokes on social media, so they're out.  There are running shorts, stretch shorts, flat front shorts (the others aren't flat in the front?), performance shorts, Wyoming shorts (presumably not available in 48 states and New Jersey), and one that sounds particularly like shorts I should have: dry print attack shorts. Shorts... FETCH! Shorts... ATTACK! In blue camo, no less. I have a soft spot for Ted Nugent but I ain't wearing his shorts. Tri shorts, golf shorts, Pounce short, and of course, workout fashion comfy shorts. So close.. if they just called them comfy shorts, I'd buy them. Workout shorts sound like they expect too much from me, and I wouldn't be caught dead in anything called fashion. I lead trends; I do not follow. Yes, I lead from 20 years back, but dammit, I still lead.

I had a much easier time with men's tank shirts. Or at least I thought I did.  They kinda screwed up by making the models look fit. The ones that weren't fit had muscles on their muscles and looked like their day job involved pulling tree stumps from the ground by hand. They called them athletic shirts. They'd sell more if they called them couch shirts. Or dad shirts. Or no air conditioning shirts.

There's one thing I will not buy online: sneakers. It's not that I have a complex, difficult to fit foot.... it's that I have flat feet. And when I say flat feet, I mean the National Institute of Science and Technology uses my feet as a reference standard for flat. Companies calibrate delicate equipment to my feet. They're kinda wide too. Like a triple Q. I'm told many people wear a size 11 3/4. You'll like this: the best fitting sneakers I found are at CostCo. Of course they are - everything good comes from CostCo. My brother went in for hot dogs and came out with an airplane. However, CostCo got wind of my affinity for their sneakers and promptly stopped carrying them. They won't tell me that.. instead they claim they're out of stock and will be back 'in about a week or two.' They ask if I'd like a track shoe or a running shoe. Again, the marketing mistake. I want a sitting on the couch with the laptop shoe. Or an occasionally going to the kitchen for a soda shoe. The most heavy shoe I'll need is the going to Dairy Queen for a malt shoe.

Trump Announces Run for Re-Election in 2020

Donald Trump, otherwise known as The Prez, announced he will be running for re-election in 2020.  For coverage of the reaction, we go to NBC, and our correspondent, Vince Scum. Vince, what do you see?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Yes, thank you, Bob. Large scale fainting has already been reported in California, which causes concern over the San Andreas Fault. The people who reject reality are updating their "Not My President 2016" signs to "Not My President 2020".  New twitter hashtags are ready (#NotMyPresidentAgain), and neck muscles are being built up for shaking their heads in abject denial. Reached for comment, Nancy Pelosi said, "Peanut Butter."

A huge list of celebrities say if Trump wins (again), they're moving to the moon. This comes on the heels of a huge list of celebrities saying they were going to leave the country if Trump won in 2016. To date, none have kept their promise. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who was on that list, was not available for comment, but the faint sound of snoring was heard from behind her office door.

Thanks, Bob.
Thank you, Vince.
Now for the reaction on the right, we go to Audi Porsche, from NPR. Audi, what's the word from the right?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Thank you, Bob. I've been rather upset over this most recent event. We put together a panel of experts to tell you why the president is wrong.

Thank you, Audi. Now let's go over to Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a wombat.

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Sits there, staring at the screen.

Thank  you, Vince.  Little known fact: wombats are members of the refrigerator family.

Wait, I'm hearing we have someone actually on the ground, who's actually going to report on the Right's reaction - we go to Vince Hogg, in Texas. Vince?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Thank you, Bob. As you can see, I'm here at the future site of Trump Re-election Headquarters, in the parking lot of the NRA, right by Charlton Heston's grave.  The NRA tells us that sales are suddenly in a slump. Barack Obama gave the largest boost to gun sales in the history of the country, and sales were up after the school shooting in Florida, bless the children and their families. The moment Trump announced, people stopped panic-buying.

Can you hear the cheering, Bob? That's the sound of pickup truck dealers all over the country. Just today, pickup sales have gone through the roof. The governor of Texas has announced two new plants are being built to manufacture oversize Merkin flags and bumper stickers, bringing four hundred and one jobs to Houston. Back to you, Bob.

That was Vince Hogg, in Texas. Few people know this, but up until today, Vince was an exotic dancer and part-time spoon at a very prestigious restaurant in Dallas.

As one would expect, social media has been a war zone ever since the announcement. Instagram features selfies with various lawn signs, Faceyspaces is aghast and everyone with an account is forwarding everything to everyone, resulting in another day at Faceyspaces. The largest reaction was on twitter, where a collective aneurysm occurred, then the hashtags started to be slung. Then all was silent except back-slapping and high fives, as twitter management put into effect its surprise new policy, where anybody who says "Trump" or anything negative about liberals is guilty of Hate Speech and thrown off immediately. This isn't too different from twitter's former policy, where conservatives were thrown off for insulting protected minorities. Over at GAB, the free speech network, servers were buckling under the load. People who managed to get in reported whooping and gunshots at the largest celebration they'd ever seen online. Even the actual nazis there were in good humor, although they blamed Trump's previous victory on the Jews who run everything.

At Democratic Headquarters, a look of confusion mixed with horror is the uniform of the day. Democratic leaders say they fully expect to lose win the 2020  election, on the strength of their performance in the 2016 election. The Committee to Blame Another Country for Interfering in the Election is already formed and working feverishly on a hemisphere. The early indication is some place that ends in -stan. Off the table is Israel, which has pictures of all of them at the Donkey Show. Not mentioned are any possible candidates, but rumor has it that the list includes Barbara Streisand, who is also on the list to move to the moon if Trump wins, and the attendees of the Emmy, Grammy, and Tony awards. Speculation is that the field will also include a jellyfish, Barbara Feinstein's cat, several small bits of bellybutton lint, and Chelsea Clinton (who has already been declared the winner).

Things are all atwitter at Libertarian Party Headquarters, where they expect their greatest chance of winning in the history of the party. The thought here is that, judging by their humiliation in the last election and Trump's great momentum, Democrats might vote libertarian. This is because their candidates may not be able to win, even though they have 'friends' in the election business. To further their chances, dems just purchased livertarian.org, hoping nobody will notice the difference. Meanwhile the libertarians, in an official statement, said they expect to have a candidate by 2019 but don't expect to be allowed to debate or get listed at the polls. The candidate will be likeable, mild-mannered, and know exactly where Aleppo is. Unfortunately he won't know where Canada is. In order to avoid the disgusting spectacle of last year's convention, where one delegate appeared in nothing but a left sock, they are hiring Ted Nugent to reprise his old stage bit of wearing a loincloth, swinging from a rope, and shooting flaming arrows at a picture of Hillary Clinton, while simultaneously playing a guitar solo.

Approached for comment on Trump's announcement, the Green Party said, "Who's Trump?"

Perennial candidate Vermin Supreme will be in the running too. He has modified his platform of dental health and a free pony to dental health and free guns, in order to court undecided Second Amendment supporters. The other perennial candidate, Pat Paulsen, has chosen to remain dead.

First to the mic, though, was Bernie Sanders. Bernie wants everybody to know that we all deserve free education. And free houses, with free cars in their free driveways. Unfortunately, he won't be running this year, as Hillary told him not to and bought him another free house, bringing his total to seven.

All is hushed at Trump HQ, while potential running mates are discussed.  On the short list are Eva Braun, Bob Dole's arm, and Jared from Subway - a man who truly represents both parties.

Trump campaign spokesperson, Judge Judy, released a picture of Donald sitting on his golden toilet and smiling that smile.

Track THIS

An Australian man, working for a Western Australia water management company, was invited to a meeting at work, with their equivalent of Human Resources. Every employee was given a PDA (Public Display of Affection or Personal Digital Assistant, depending on day of the week), to track where they were. His records stated that he was working at different places but there was no report from his PDA/tracker that he was there.

The fella had a thing for a certain snack food. The bag it came in was foil and mylar. He placed the PDA in the bag, which acted as a Faraday cage. For those of us not electronically oriented, it's a device from which no signals get in or escape. This prevented the PDA from ratting him out. A brief investigation showed that he was out playing golf. 140 times. Now there's a man dedicated to his work. Or something.

• it's time for my non-seasonal rant about unboxing. As we spend a lot of time online (admit it - you'll feel better), we might have seen this. This is a activity wherein you take a picture of something you got and post it online. We, who work in IT and have a more evolved and nuanced sense of sarcasm, can find no useful reason for this behavior. We also make Lemon Face when we see people posting pictures of their food. Or stupid Dog Filters.
• This behavior is particularly egregious in the world of musicians. Some perfectly affable gent will take a picture of his brand new, just released effects box. Every reader is excited because they haven't gotten theirs yet or they're waiting for a demo on YouTube, to figure out whether they need this box or not.
• And what greets them, after the headline "New Illudium P32 Explosive Space Modulator"?  A flipping picture. Gee, that's helpful. Stereotypes don't appear from a vacuum, hence the stupid guitar player.

You've got a cell phone. Of course you've got a cell phone.

You have your location services on, either through ignorance, because of the Gee Whiz app, or you simply don't care. Even if location is off, you can still be tracked. What kinds of information is tracked and what might be traced back to you? Some ad companies will allow you to opt-out but want your Wifi and Bluetooth MAC addresses. Yeah, right. Does it matter that Google collected information anyway, after these were opted out?

Whether you have an existing or new android cell phone, here are five simple tips to keep it safe.

• What price security?  Paypal purchased TIO, a payment processor, for $230 million. TIO got hacked into. TIO halted all activities to avoid further losses. Meanwhile, the Personally Identifiable Information of about 1.6 million customers leaked. Paypal announced that it had found issues with TIO's data security program that did not adhere to its own standards.
• This infers that Paypal did not check TIO's security standards.
• Is a $230 million acquisition a mere pittance - too low to bother checking out its security? Where's the line? A billion?
• In addition to not bothering to secure itself (it owns TIO, therefore it's Paypal), the business has provided a lot of grief to a lot of people. Even though I was a customer, I'd advise not using it.

One of the largest (Chinese) manufacturers of drones stands accused of helping China spy on the US. Because we buy Chinese drones.... what could possibly go wrong? Once again, the government keeps us safe.

• It's a good thing the holidays are coming up. We now get treated to all sorts of ridiculous xmas commercials, some showing up as early as Halloween. This year we're treated to talking carrots and meerkats with German accents, that seem to go on forever. The Brits get a continuing story of two people who met on public transportation and are trying to hook up. This must have something to do with a cell phone provider, or why would they bother bothering us with this nonsense. The only reason I don't throw the screen across the room is that the female is cute, with a lovely, understandable Scottish accent. And I can't afford another screen. As I type this, I swear to you that the commercial just came on.

Yeah, I'm old school. Up til the current car, all my tires were cheap and large. The current car has tires that are small, with large rims and tiny (not thick) tires. What do you suppose would happen if current cars used real tires? My guess is a better ride, but I have absolutely no knowledge of tires, except that mine cost over $200 each, where they used to cost $60-80. Aside from the sound of Get off My Lawn, this is a genuine question. Any car people readers?

• Think you're busy this holiday season? The poor folks at Amazon have been working 55 hour weeks, falling down on the job, and taken away in ambulances. Fortunately the problem was solved when the executives jumped to inaction and offered the employees small chocolates.

Everybody's favorite right wing tongue, Gene Simmons, was banned for life from Fox News. According to reports, he barged in on a staff meeting and exposed his torso, shouting, "Hey chicks - sue me!" Furthermore, he told Michael Jackson pedophilia jokes and mocked the intelligence of the staffers.

The article did not explain, however, why he was banned.

• Everybody's favorite perennial presidential candidate, Vermin Supreme, sued after he was denied a permit to bring ponies to a Hillary Clinton book signing.

Vermin Supreme for president

• After brief research, which is the only kind of research I do, Vermin is now a libertarian. Considering the recent candidates, as well as the Guy in the Loincloth, Vermin will be a welcome change.
• Vermin's 2020 slogan: How could I possibly be any worse?
• Before I decide on whether he gets my vote, I want to know if there will be personalized boots for our heads, or will they just say Vermin Supreme on them? How does one go about sizing them?

Today's Stupid Commercial: What worries you most about your financial future?

One of the kids pops up and says, I don't have any money.

• Also overheard on tv: "she's in an advanced stage of pregnancy." 
• What's that - the baby's halfway out?

Marshall Update: as mentioned previously, the oncologist canceled Marshall's last chemo treatment because he was doing so well. This week's appointment was looking around for lesions in his mouth. It turns out he's not fond of fingers in his mouth, much like the rest of us. 

So after all that, the onco wants to operate, to remove the lesion and go with pills for a while. When we got the estimate, one of us turned white, the other turned green. When we said we'd need to think about this, the doc said no problem - it just has to be done within two weeks. With oral chemo, it'll give him 6-9 months. Oddly enough, other options we discussed earlier would give him the same amount of time.

No one mentioned another operation until today.

Can't help but feel we're being led down the Golden Path, only we're giving away all the gold. Last I checked, neither of us are vets, so it's not like we can ask medically relevant questions. As you'd imagine, this is somewhat upsetting.

Mind you, Marshall's in great spirits; eating like mad, drinking like madder, and demanding everything be dropped so he gets what he wants at that moment. He's got bounce in his step, almost like a puppy. He's leaping on furniture he couldn't six months ago. 

The only criterion is that he's pain-free and comfortable.

this is probably a bad blog to read if you're an Apple fan

Wet T-Shirt Nite

Yes, that's right, the secret phrase for tonight is Wet T-Shirt Nite!

• US casino stocks fell after the Las Vegas incident. No one saw that coming.
• Remember: guns don't kill people - country music does.
• Speaking of guns, gun stocks went up.

A CBS legal executive, Haley Geftman-Gold, stated on Faceyspaces that she had no sympathy for the Las Vegas victims because country music fans are right wing, gun toters. She had no hope that the Repugs would do the right thing. Several hours later, she was without employment. CBS disavowed her statement.

Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton said this event should not be politicized, then went on to politicize it, going after the NRA.  Lest anyone be confused about gun control, the weapon used by the shooter was an automatic, which is already illegal and difficult to obtain. So much for gun control working.

• RIP Tom Petty. I wasn't a fan but can't deny his impact.
• Tom spent the better part of the day in the hospital after a cardiac arrest. At this point, everyone could agree that he was in the hospital but no one could tell if he was alive or dead. Calling Dr. Schroedinger...
• Tom used to follow me.. not in the creepy paranoid way.. more in the "Oh God, here he is again" kinda way. Like I said, I'm not a fan, but if I got in the car and turned on the radio, there he was. If I went into a department store, his music was playing overhead. It got so bad, as verified by others, that when I'd turn on the tv, he was there too. Fortunately The Petty Effect went away, years ago.

Hey, it's National Cybersecurity Awareness Month!  So go about your business and ignore it.

• They're baaaaaack. Yes, Loud Construction Company is back, after a week's break, working on the neighbor's house. Perhaps they went to a seminar on how to Keep It Loud. It started and continues with the Serious Sledgehammer on Concrete noise. It sounds like it's coming from my front steps.
• Because my nerves are a little off-kilter today, Loud Construction Company isn't going to be alone, no sir. The house phone rang, like an icepick through my ears. At the same moment, my phone rang. While this symphony of ring is happening, I'm listening to Robin Trower on my computer. All of this cacophony is unnerving, like an icepick through my skull, pounded in with a sledgehammer (on concrete).
• While my eyeballs roll around like a slot machine, my wife is talking to me on my phone. We have a special feature activated when I'm trying to talk, called the No Talk Feature. When she's talking, if I attempt to say anything at all, she can't hear me and keeps talking. Sometimes when she's not talking, she still can't hear me. I'm starting to wonder if the No Talk Feature was ordered through our phone company or something she just made up.
• It's the end of my work day and I'm having trouble finishing up two items. I let my coworker know that the two items need attention. He asks which two items. The two items I mentioned, one of which has my bloody name on it. I think we are burdened by speaking the same language, which is generally referred to as English. Perhaps he speaks the Swahili variant of English, wherein he misses every other sentence. Or the Urdu version, where every other word is dropped but still spoken. It doesn't matter if I email him - it's every bit as frustrating in email, but I can shout and bang my head on the floor.

Marshall has had few side effects from his chemotherapy: largely it's lethargy. He went back for bloodwork today, after which they decided to lower his dosage because he shouldn't have side effects (damn him). Aside from dosage, I asked what the blood showed. It won't show anything til they check next week. But didn't they take blood last week? Yes. Didn't they do chemo last week? Yes. Then why didn't they know anything between last week and this week. Well, he has to have chemo first. But he DID have chemo - last week. Yes. But.. but.. but.. there's a reason I don't like the medical field, and it's not just because I tend to pass out when I see blood.

• Remember that 2013 Yahoo email breach that didn't hit all their accounts? They 'revised it upward' so that it now hit all 3 billion email accounts. Math.

A Drexel University professor blames the Las Vegas shooting on 'Trumpism' and white men. Drexel stated that the professor's tweets don't represent the university. Those who can, do. Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't teach gym, teach at universities. I think I'm going to need a Safe Space now. With soft pillows and a puppy.

My boobies lie over the ocean

My boobies lie over the sea

My boobies lie over the ocean

Bring back my boobies to me

Our Next Long-Term National Nightmare...

Let me start off with some bright news: healthcare breaches hit an all time high in 2016. At five months into 2017, would you care to guess which way that trend is heading? From my memories of working in healthcare, we're pretty much screwed.

• As I type, there is a noise like a 100 pound bee coming from another floor. It has depth like no other. A quick search of archival memory brings back last year, when the wife told me this noise was spooking her and the dog (back when the dog could hear). A window is open, apparently creating currents of air so strong that it's playing songs with the miniblinds, like some sort of gargantuan kazoo. In addition to normal human laziness, I'm typing and don't want to be bothered with the alleged musical instrument, but it's so loud even the mostly deaf Marshall can hear it.
• I've mentioned trash before too. It's less immense for me than mowing but still annoying. I'm a big boy, though... I don't have to be reminded constantly. The Crazy Lady next door found out that cans can't be put out til 7:30 the previous evening, so she stands out there with her atomic time standard and her clipboard, waiting to POUNCE on getting those babies to the curb by 7:31. And after they're collected, they're put back precisely where they came from and ready for next week's assault before the truck is two houses down.
• Speaking of trucks, I've worked out that there are three very loud trucks that come to collect cans, every trash day. I know this because when I'm off work, each one of them wakes all the dead at the cemetary a few blocks down. After further thought, and further leaping out of bed, screaming, I realized there are not three, but six trucks in the morning, as they take care of the other side of the street.
• Just to make matters more amusing, someone is having yardwork or something done, necessitating very loud construction gear. Very loud construction gear. It might be tree-related, which means it's only a matter of time until the Industrial Tree Chipper comes into play, like a mighty present buzzsaw, with loud spikes.  A coworker often tells me about her h fantasy of putting her ex into one of these, so I know it can be done.
• Oh wait - correction... the loud noises also have something to do with stones. A humongous pile of them got dropped in the drive, and the time since has been spent shoveling them. Ever hear Repeated Stone Shoveling? It's American Water Torture.
• This might come as a surprise to you, but I'm off work today. As I type, I can hear the kazoos, with their swan song. As God is my witness, I will stop this minor annoyance!

If you're an IBM or Lenovo Storwize customer, IBM wants you to locate that flash drive they sent you and feed it to the cat. Apparently it has malware on it. Oopsie.

• A pair of Pennsylvania medical clinics have reported a 'privacy incident'. They determined that in March, a person "could potentially have accessed" data on their systems. There is no evidence that they did.   Let's dance, shall we?

If you feel your android phone needs optimizing, do not install Full Optimizer or Full Optimizer Lite from Google Play - they're full of malware and only show ads. Your phone really doesn't need optimizing. Install Android Assistant to clean it up weekly (among its other talents) and Malwarebytes to run scans for junk.

• In the latest set of public excuses as to why she lost, Hillary Clinton blames the FBI letter and "Russian WikiLeaks".  Somebody should explain to her that the election was over in November and she lost.  Even after the George W Bush Hanging Chad Miami Fiasco, the crying didn't go on this long. You'd think simply having Chelsea omnipresent in the news would be enough for her. Someone has to take over...

Some poor fella was just struck by lightning. He's alive, in the hospital, and has a rather ugly red mark from neck to below his waist. He also has another lasting trophy: a permanent erection.  In unrelated news, there is a line of nurses outside his door, stretching back to the front of the hospital. An anonymous female charity group has paid off his hospital bill, and doctors have advised him that if his erection lasts longer than 4 days, to call a dating service and have them show up at hourly intervals.

• At a fast food expo in the Netherlands, two Dutch pranksters served McDonald's food, cut into pieces and skewered with toothpicks, and then told attendees that that they were eating an organic product. Participants described the taste of the samples as being very rich, and very pure. the link goes to a YouTube video in Dutch, but subtitled. One day, I want to pull off something on this level.

On this day in 1991, Texas governor Ann Richards declared ZZ Top day.

• Remember in the last post I reported that the NSA is suspending collection of US data because it referenced a foreign target?  Check out this article on how they collected data on 151m Americans.

Yes, I could've written this, but no, I didn't. A female UCLA student and member of MENSA has developed an IQ of 220 after drinking sperm for a year. Her original IQ was 154 and she was already a MENSA member.

The article details her decision to go with this method. Her new IQ makes her smarter than Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, and Leonardo DiVinci. Also listed are some benefits of sperm ingestion.

You have to know I didn't let this news go to waste, alerting Mrs. lefty, who promptly told me to "get chugging." Witty as this was, I was forced to remind her that my IQ is several points ahead of hers.

You can tell neither of us belongs to MENSA because there is a regulation that you tell people you're in MENSA within five minutes of meeting them (similar to the Vegan Rule).

Judging by the story on Yoko Ono admitting to a lesbian affair with Hillary Clinton, this 'newspaper' is probably more of an entertainment source than pure news. The story above on the lightning strike came from the same source.

• One of our charities is Oldies But Goodies. It's a Virginia-based non-profit that finds homes for old cockers.  We're on their mailing list, having donated and because we're stupid enough to keep reading their emails (which would make Sarah McLachlin shoot herself). The latest is about Snoopy, who's 12. His owner died and family members took him to a vet to be put down. The vet refused, saying Snoopy had much life left in him. So the relatives dumped him at a shelter.
• Not. Human.

======================================




I don't like to mow the lawn.
You might remember this from paragraphs to entire blog posts, ranting on this topic. In fact, there are an awful lot of activities I prefer to mowing:

• chewing razorblades
• dating dead people
• eating stinky cheese in a pit of fire
• a quiet weekend with my cannibal in-laws

My wife, dear smart woman that she is, figured out I don't like mowing (after ten years of forcing me to do it at gunpoint) and went in search of a solution. We can't afford a service and don't really have a lot of grass.

My nemesis in life, the mower, is seriously a great piece of hardware. And when I say great, I mean the engine still runs after ten years. Almost out of the box, the throttle cable broke. I purchased a replacement, which of course did not work at all, even after I did a remarkable job of attaching the cable to the handle. So I had to devise a custom rig that would keep the throttle open enough to run the bastard. This involved a pair of locking pliers and a foot of wire. Also about 30 minutes of screaming per effort. Suffice it to say the neighbors, even the very old ones, learned some interesting new vocabulary words.

Don't let my technical words and inventive solution fool you - I should not be allowed near a mower (or under the hood of a car). My solution was somewhat less than optimal, in that it lasted for less time than I needed to complete the mowing, resulting in a second case of interesting verbal output.

I am mortally terrified of going to the dentist. Even though I can generally allow him to work on my mouth, the other 2/3 of my body keeps trying to escape. I would gladly spend some quality time in his chair than mow. It's ridiculous and illogical but it's reality.

Alas, the seasons took their effect on the mower: the engine started every year, but the body got cancer and I'm afraid it won't support the engine much longer.

Just the other day I was advised that a box would be appearing. Boxes appear at my house all the time.  I gave up on asking years ago, as the answer would only frustrate me. Just the other day an outdoor gazebo/tent thingie appeared. No one knows why but I thought I caught a glimpse of the dog with a sly grin on his face.

The box arrived shortly thereafter. It was a new mower. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or give it back to the poor driver. I was 'urged' to put it together, as that's generally the safest task, as opposed to me actually using the device. It was battery-operated, with a cute battery that looked like a car battery that was left in a dryer and shrunk to 1/3 normal size. It was also considerable more narrow than any mower I have ever seen, generating complaints because I'd have to mow more rows. After getting halfway done, I realized the instructions, which made Ikea instructions look like fine literature, failed to mention that the handle needed to be attached in only one direction. And look at me - I was cursing before even running the little bastard for the first time.

Once again the wife outsmarted me. She hired a neighbor's kid to use the new Infernal Device. He was thrilled to get paid for what he has to do at home for free and eagerly took the job. In fact, he just got done.

I have never been happier in my life.

I guess it's time to start using my dental insurance now.

Political [yuck]

I hate to get more political than the small bits I put in the regular old blog entries (who are we kidding here - I kinda enjoy it but am afraid it will put readers off). Remember that I'm a libertarian, so I try to present this without bias. Well, I will admit to hating Hillary and everything she stands for but am trying to be fair on all sides.

The presidential debates are upon us, which all but the most politics-resistant humans (and dogs) have realized. Cats don't care either way. The first debate was shaky, the second was carried away by the Trump, often referred to as the Cheeto, the Trumpster, Make America Great and several other names that I won't bother to type.The Hillary (also known as the Criminal and the Saint) campaign is in a bit of a panic, which is very interesting.

The debates have been largely Content Free, with insults and blame being the order of the evening. I hear that they have been the most contentious ever. I refuse to watch them, as they're simply two people lying (they won't allow third parties in the debates) or massive finger-pointing. And let's face it, all a third party candidate has to do is stand there quietly and politely and become the Voice of Reason and they're in. Would you want that if you were one of the major parties?

It has become apparent that the press is squarely in Hillary's corner. They tend to misrepresent Trump's statements to make him look bad. In some circles, CNN is known as the Clinton News Network. They have been caught admitting their bias. MSNBC has been referred to as a Democratic Propaganda wing. There have been times where many outlets have used the same wordings for an event, as if they got their talking points from somewhere (I'll leave it to you to name it).

The Wikileaks documents have provided an important insight into the workings of Hillary's campaign, as well as the DNC itself. I urge you to check them out if you haven't already. Have no illusions that if there were a hack of the RNC, it would look largely the same.

I have said before that this election is historic in that one of the candidates is not owned by the Powers That Be (PTB). Guess which one.  Many maintain that the press is owned by Hillary but if you think about it for a second, Hillary is a bit of a puppet: all major news outlets are owned by six families, who control everything you see, hear, and read. This is why it's important to get your news from a number of sources, not including mainstream media (MSM). It's not Hillary - it's the PTB who are in a Petulant Frenzy over the candidate they don't own. Donald is a very serious threat to their power and the Dirty Tricks Squad is out in full operation, to an extent that dwarfs elections in the past. I feel for the man's life to some degree... look what happened to the Kennedys, who went against the PTB Plans<tm>.

Trump has a really solid base, which seems to feel that he will Make America Great Again (MAGA). It is theorized that many more people are voting Trump but are afraid to say anything for fear of retribution or having to listen to their friends' expressions of horror. As for MAGA, the people are borderline hypnotized and actually believe this. Let's face it, there is no human that will get into office that can MAGA. None at all.

As if Trump's supporters weren't weird enough, the Hillary people (lovingly referred to as Hillbots) are obviously the same people who elected Obama (hope and change). Twice. The Kool Aid is strong with these folks (not 100% of them, of course.. some are just terrified of Trump). Anyone with operating brain cells knows that installing an email server of your own for classified information is not only illegal, it's downright dangerous for the country, in that it can get hacked (which it did, by the Russians and Chinese, for which there's proof). The main reason for the server was to avoid Freedom of Information requests. The other reason was convenience. If one of us peons did this, even at your place of business, it's a fireable (and jailable) offense. The FBI declined to prosecute, probably due to collusion (and Comey's fear for his life). Because there was no prosecution, her followers claim she's perfectly innocent and will hear nothing else.

Hillary's health is another serious issue. It is a matter of record that she sustained head trauma. This was apparently so serious that she could not remember certain things she was questioned about by the FBI. She has collapsed and had tremors indicative of a neurological problem, possibly Parkinson's. All recent medical issues have been taken care of by private physicians, who are exempt from disclosure. There is even a medical technician/physician that is always by her side and carries some sort of rapid injection pen at all times. You'll pick him out as a large, imposing African American man, sometimes closer to her than her own Secret Service detail. When Hillary collapsed and had to be helped into a van, half of the team helped her, in what appeared to be practiced fashion, while the Secret Service got into a formation that blocked any view to what was happening. This is a pretty large concern for someone who would be president. It is also poo-pooed by the Hillbots. If Hillary had a seizure during a press conference, the followers would insist she was dancing.

I have one question for you: Do you want either of these people running the country?
I will not presume to tell you for whom to vote... I just want you to notice what's going on and make the best choice for the country and yourself.

==================================================

Pneumonia, Parkinsons, Pexhaustion, Pwatever

Friends: thanks for reading. Although this blog is the 'best kept secret' on Google, I appreciate you loyal folks.



ING's data center in Bucharest, Romania, was knocked offline over the weekend during a fire extinguising test. Are you ready for this? It was caused by inert gas. No so much the gas itself, but the noise of the escaping gas. It got to the heads on the hard drives, ruining them. The site went offline and the company relied on its backup data center, seriously inconveniencing its customers. Good to know: noise will not affect solid state drives. So don't fart too loudly in front of your computer.

Can you believe I get paid for this shit?
Just kidding.

• Apparently the version of android tracks you even if you uninstall Google Maps. Lovely. The only way to avoid this is to disable GPS and only activate it if/when you need it. I saved myself by disabling GPS when I got the phone. You might also want to do this.

Seagate, the hard drive manufacturer, is in trouble. Their H/R department fell for a phishing scam, released all sorts of W-2 data, and now the employees are suing.  Does phishing rhyme with fishing?

• If Hillary Clinton had a heart attack outside her ambluance and fell on the ground, her supporters would say "she just needed a nap - why are you picking on her?"
• Speaking of Hillary supporters, they're lining up to meet her and catch her pneumonia as a remembrance.

BREAKING: three people killed, tripping over adapters needed to use headphones with new iPhones. See Airpod samples.

• Elon Musk says pending Tesla updates could have prevented fatal crash. Oopsie.

A woman is suing the manufacturer of her (phone-connected) dildo because it knows too much about her. Folks, if you buy a FitBit, a VagBit or anything else phone-connected, the data will flow upstream from your phone. Rest assured it will be used for marketing, at very least. If you can deny internet permission for the app, do so. Otherwise, firewall it or just Don't Use It.

Again, I use No Root Firewall on my phone. As the title indicates, you don't need to root your (android) phone to use it. The moment I installed it, I saw a frightening amount of data leaving my phone. Why do my file manager, internet radio and others so desperately want to contact Faceyspaces? Why do apps need to go to the internet when I'm not using them (or at all). No Root Firewall is not for everybody - you have to have a real interest in privacy and a few moments here and there to decide what YOU want to let contact some address outside of your phone. Allowing one app might allow all sorts of addresses you don't need to contact, so you have to go with granular permissions (yes, it may contact the addresses it needs to do its job but not Faceyspaces or ad networks).

• Today is International Chocolate Day. What 'they' are not telling you is that EVERY DAY is International Chocolate Day. Don't be fooled.

A man using stolen wifi from a neighbor's unlocked system downloaded and distributed child porn. Whose house do you think the authorities raided? That's right.  Secure your wireless.

• As we know, I'm no Trumpian, but I find the charges of racism to be manufactured. If he said to deport illegal aliens, that's not racism- it's the law.
• Come on with the Hillary Health Hoo-Ha. The woman is sick; all that remains is a correct diagnosis. First it was dehydration, then is was pneumonia, per her own campaign. Then the press that she owns said she tripped. Lie upon lie, although her supporters say this is all Trumped up. The Kool Aid is unbelievable.
• Meanwhile the Great Unwashed are most concerned with Various Activities performed by millionaire football players during the national anthem. Can you say diversion?

Happy 70th to Freddie Mercury. Rock on.

• Got a Samsung 7? I'd do something with it before it does something to you. They're catching fire and exploding. Using one is now discouraged on airplanes. Discouraged? Ban the damn things. Those hoverboard things were banned... do you want one of these on a plane? Btw, this is not the only phone with this problem.

We All Love Microsoft

It's been a great week for everyone's favorite operating system, Microsoft, as word reached us that the safe, secure loading key, that protects from other operating systems or malware being loaded, has been leaked. Ooh, the security!

As if that weren't possibly the most fun one can have, it appears that the latest Windows 10 update will break your video camera's functionality. Windows decided that they were going to operate a certain way and expects the cameras to know this. Test often.

• Not that I need to remind you, but it's National Waffle Day.  This now frees us to anticipate National Belly Button Lint Day. Hold onto your hats people....

Ryan Lochte should be disqualified, not for making up a robbery but for not making up something interesting.

• A man at a gay nightclub in Sydney allegedly added hydrochloric acid to a lubrication dispenser. Fortunately he was caught by security guards. Hmmm... lube..... at a gay nightclub. Doesn't anybody fuck at home or in cars anymore? And can't they bring their own accessories?

The Weiner Limps Away: to the obvious surprise of the world, Anthony Weiner got caught sexting again. His wife, Huma, Hillary's Girl and alleged Muslim, finally did the right thing and cut him off, as it were. They're separating. Poor Anthony will never get to see the Oral Office.

• Some commercial versions of granola are loaded with enough sugar to rival a slice of chocolate cake. So why not just avoid the misery and eat the cake?

We bid a fond farewell to Gene Wilder (83). 

Gene, if you got up there for the same reasons I do, you more than succeeded.

• While Gary Johnson advances in the polls, I'm kinda disappointed in Donald Trump. I figured he could afford to go nuclear on Hillary. Unfortunately, he's been somewhat tame.

With the University of Texas allowing concealed carry on campus, protestors are combating with sex toys. I love a good sex toy, but if there's a shooter, I think a gun would be the safer choice.  You?

• Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) was nearly shut down the other day due to fears of gunshots. There were no gunshots but police did question a man dressed as Zorro. Of course they did. The last Airport Panic was caused by balloons bursting.  Perfect fodder for Security Theater.

500 cows were stolen from a dairy farm in New Zealand.

How do you suppose this was accomplished? And how did they hide 500 cows? Were they taken in Flight MH370?

• I just saw an article about the benefits of being friends with Hillary Clinton. They forgot to list "not winding up dead under suspicious circumstances."

No bigger a celebrity than Barbara Streisand said she'd leave the country if Trump gets elected. The problem here is that nobody will hold Barbara and the other celebrities accountable for their promises. Perhaps if Trump wins, he could volunteer his personal 757 to get these folks to the destination of their choice.

• Because things were getting boring, our appliances are staging a revolt. The wife is suspicious of the fridge, which is still keeping things cold, thankfully. Obviously in sympathy, the washer declined to drain. Thankfully, the internet is full of tutorials and suggestions on how to fix the problem. It is one of three things - two of them are simple, the third task goes on for hours. Guess which one needs to be undertaken. Guess.
• In circumstances you're not gonna believe, there's an unused washer/dryer combo already in the house. Apparently hooking it up is the least of my problems. Operating it seems to take some sort of an advanced college degree in either astrophysics or string theory. The wife, who seems to be operating under the delusion that we're In The Money, is already concerned that the device is inoperable by normal humans and wants a new, stupid washer.
• Have you priced washers lately? They have lagged behind, only slowly, cell phones. They started as plain old washers, then got 'smart', then became front-loading; in the process, causing the price to skyrocket. While my mother wanted nothing more than a dumb phone, my wife wants a dumb washer (as distinguished from a dumbwaiter, which we get whenever we go out). During a recent Costco trip (where you go in for napkins and $350 later, walk out with tires and a lifetime supply of fiber bars), we could not locate a dumb washer. We did, however, spot several washers with IQs at least double ours, with prices starting at $1200. At the risk of sounding like an Old Pharte, dumb washers used to cost a few hundred dollars and run forever.
• So now I gotta teleport the washer combo into its rightful spot, somehow teleport the broken device to its Final Resting Place, and figger out how to connect the beast to whatever it gets connected to (hoping to avoid an entire blog post describing this effort). What I know about washers could fill the space occupied by Kim Kardashian's brain.

While the loudest voice in the building at work chats with my deaf, loud next-door neighbor for an hour, I find myself nostalgic for the guy who spent the entire day surfing for sneakers.

DNC in PA, PDQ NOW

Twitter has been throwing (only) conservative members off the service. Yesterday, Faceyspaces admitted it blocked certain tags critical of the DNC. Not that there's an agenda or anything.

Make America Great Again: get off Faceyspaces.

• I may have to take out a restraining order against Kaley Cuoco. She keeps calling.

Don't forget to vote. Vote wisely, vote often. Remember - you're competing with dead people. And the voting machines are owned by the parties.

• The FBI, the organization that refused to prosecute Hillary Clinton for fear of convenient death, is now very interested in pursuing the source of the DNC email links. They may actually succeed here, as it's in the Clintons' best interests to have this info.

Those nice folks over at ISIS have beheaded a priest. It's a peaceful religion. They peacefully beheaded him.

• Birthday week wishes to Sir Michael Philip Jagger.

Be careful about making your own adult movies: you may regret it when the one with her driving gets out.

• Remember Miss Cleo, from the tv psychic commercials? RIP - cancer.

If you're a bored Australian Fur Seal, you fall asleep in a Tasmanian public toile.

If you're a bored ISIS member, you behead a priest.

• A while back, my mother told me I was a mistake. Since then, I have made it my destiny.

The saddest thing I've seen in a long time: the dog with his head resting on his missing cat's carrier.

The Great Unveiling

FBI's James Comey: "While Hillary's actions clearly rise to the level of prosection, I decline to do so. The example of Vince Foster looms large to anyone who would try."

I am not a Conspiracy Theorist, I'm a futurist.
Once again I am forced to repeat this. If, after the FBI non-Prosecution Fiasco, you have any doubts that the fix is in, you might need to seek professional help. After all the woman said and did, she has been protected by the Powers That Be (PTB). The veil is off and it should be painfully apparent that laws are for you and they don't apply to Them. Too big to jail,

They're terrified of Trump because he's not owned, so all the stops are being pulled out for Hillary.
Just in case you think justice is still imminent, they own the voting machines too.

I'm still voting for Gary Johnson, whose poll numbers keep rising, for obvious reasons.

• Philly Strikes Again: Transit officials found cracks in more than a hundred new rail cars, pulling them out of service only weeks before the Democratic National Convention. Some of the ancient cars aren't stopping at farther stations because they're full. People are having trouble getting around. In some cases, there are 30 minutes between trains during rush hours.
• Meanwhile, the mayor wants illegal aliens to be free to roam in his sanctuary city.

A New Zealand couple found a human head on a beach in Fiji. Come to Fiji - where you're sure to get a-head.

• The 20 year old Briton who tried to grab a policeman's gun and assassinate Donald Trump has denied the charges. He didn't mean to assassinate Donald, he just wanted to look at the policeman's shiny new gun and shoot it where Donald was standing. Since there was no clear intent, the FBI's James Coney has declined to prosecute him.

In another move for common sense, the next Iron Man will be a 15 year old female. I guess the Iron Man suit will have to be redesigned to accommodate boobies.

• Some bright fella set a Google car on fire because he believed Google was watching him. Well, he was correct in his assessment but went a bit far in his actions. Turning off cookies would have been a better start.

In the past week, two Teslas have crashed while in Autopilot Mode. This would normally be an item of concern, but none of us here can afford one.

• The US House passed legislation prohibiting employees from viewing pron or explicit sites. Only the goons in the US need this law. Next up: a law to stop federal employees from killing their coworkers.

Pining for the Fjords

Social Justice Worker alert: Hillary Clinton: "Women have always been the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat." Yeah, Hill, the men only lose their lives, but no matter....

From the same media cesspool: did you know women suffer from prostate cancer too? They suffer when their partners get it. This idiocy is not going to stop for a long time.

• A 38 year old Polish nightclub owner was practicing his tank driving, as we all do, when he drove it into his own nightclub during a live Facebook stream.  This story highlights the difference between European and American culture: you cannot drive a tank in the US. We will never be truly equal until we can.

The New Oakland, California police chief ordered a shutdown of everyone's cell phone service on SFBART because he thought there was going to be a protest. Digest this... the police can order your cell service shut down on public transportation. Because of an alleged protest.

• The 'Hack the Pentagon' program has gone very well. This is where people are encouraged to find flaws in the Pentagon's computer systems (non-core or critical systems only).  The program turned up over 100 bugs. Just in 'non-ciritical' systems. Dare we guess what's going on with critical systems? Dare we guess why we're hacked?

The Anonymous hacking collective has been going after the Islamic State by replacing content with porn, to shame them. Hopefully they haven't been using goat or child porn, which would only excite them.

• Three women were charged for assaulting McDonald's employee for working too slowly. I'm wondering if the threat of this can be used to get employees to work faster and, more importantly, more accurately. Maybe they can be hired or visit different stores. The mind boggles.

Russian government hackers have been in the DNC network for up to a year. The State Department doesn't have to release emails - the Russians have already threatened to.

• Microsoft has purchased LinkedIn. As if either of them mattered.

With all the crap going on in the world, New York proves there's still a shred of humanity, after three men jumped down from a subway platform to save a man on the tracks. I'm sure there's a lot of this going on but it goes unreported.

• We here at Thermionic are against all forms of gun control. However, some guy adjusted his pants at Zabar's, an upscale Manhattan market, and shot himself. This is the kind of gun control we need. Some might call it Darwinism.

German Justice Minister Haiko Mass says Germany will not recognize polygamous or underage marriages, as practiced by immigrants. Apparently assaulting Germans and throwing gays off buildings are still on the table.

PRO TIP FOR MINORITY GROUPS IN THE PUBLIC EYE: As we know, I'm a libertarian. I haven't seen a ton of others but I have seen some local libertarians and their web pages. With the exception of Gary Johnson and the other guys running for president in our party, we're not a good-looking bunch of folks. I don't mean attractive - I mean the way we dress and act. If you're looking for some attention or to get someone's vote, a very important part of this is making your audience think you're like them. Guys (and girls, if there are any), put on a suit jacket. Sound mainstream normal. Yeah, this is style over substance but you stand a much better chance of being elected if you don't look like a mountain man in a black button-down shirt, who hasn't shaved in a month or three. This is precisely why I'm not out doing libertarian work - I look like a reject from the Aging Rock Star pageant. I'm the idea man, the inside guy. The guy you don't want out scaring potential voters.

Now let me extend this to our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community: Orlando was a national nightmare. The only positive thing that came about thus far is that you have been given a voice on the national stage. While I hope this event can produce something of long term substance, you need to make the most of your current opportunity. You probably don't want your spokesman to be a limp-wristed flamer with a flag painted on his face or a woman who shaved off half her hair and dyed the other half purple, with nose and eyebrow piercings and a suspicious chain going down into the front of her pants. There are gay people everywhere, who dress for business. Put a few of them up front. Again, you want your audience to feel that you're just like them. You're likely to gain a lot more traction this way.

Ymmv, of course.

RIP Ren, 2016

It Ain't Easy Being Queen

According to a Coventry (UK) study, sex can help ward off dementia for men and women. The study was published in Age and Aging. Now get out there and do your best to ward off dementia!

• I'm trying to decide if this is a good thing or not: Hookers for Hillary. Yes, Nevada's finest are coming out for their candidate. No word on whether their servers are in the bathroom or not..

It's great to be alive: Doing the Science on what makes a vagina beautiful.

• A gay high school teacher was fired after someone broke into his Dropbox account, stole a sex tape, and posted it to the school's site. This is the price we pay for bad security, bad judgment, and good connectivity. Remember Bob Crane? You may know him as Colonel Hogan, from Hogan's Heroes. Bob was involved in all sorts of interesting extracurricular activities but didn't post the results in an easily accessed public location with questionable security. Plus Bob was limited to 8mm film and no internet, so things kept themselves pretty private until he was assisted (murdered) in leaving this plane. What did we learn? 
• We learned not to make sex tapes. Since we're obviously going to ignore this, find an incredibly safe place to store them. Not on your phone. Not in The Cloud. Not on your parents' phones.
• We learned not to put them in a place that can be publicly accessed (Dropbox).
• We learned not to keep the Dropbox credentials in email (Gmail).
• We learned to use an encrypted password manager (try Keepass).
• We learned that if we're going to use a Dropbox-like service (which we shouldn't use), to make sure the data is encrypted (beyond the scope of this message but software to do this is at link).
• Lastly, we learned that a really interesting topic, like famous sex tapes, can deteriorate into a data safety lecture.

A Seattle man is in hot water because he was found using a women's locker room. He cited the gender rule, which allows people to choose a bathroom based upon gender identity. This sure would have kept me out of a lot of trouble when I was little. While I identify as an octopus, I just liked hanging around naked women.

• Calls em where I sees em: I'm no fan of iDevices but Apple just turned down the FBI's request to hack into one of the San Bernadino shooters' cell phones. Way to lead, guys! If you repeat this to anyone, I will flatly deny saying it.

A man accused of stalking Gwyneth Paltrow was acquitted on charges of felony stalking and attempted stalking by a jury at Los Angeles Superior Court. As I mentioned in last week's missive, this fellow, who spent a bit of time at the Happy Place<tm>, has been stalking Gwyneth for seventeen years. During the trial, Gwyneth testified to the harm this man had caused her. There was undeniable proof that he was stalking her, including admissions from the stalker. Yet the jury acquitted. There was no actual stated reason for the acquittal. His lawyer stated, "He's unique.... He's special...he's very cogent." Stay out of California.

• 5G is coming! What will it mean for you? It will mean you'll only be able to connect at 3G or 4G.

Five members of Friends are reuniting for a much-anticipated reunion on TV. Because the entire world has been awaiting this moment. This show will obviously cure cancer and bring about world peace. No, really.

• Hollywood has an "epidemic of invisibility" for women, minorities and LGBT people that runs across the industry, a study suggests.  And, as it turns out, the NBA has the same "epidemhttp://www.networkworld.com/article/3032567/android/7-android-tools-that-can-help-your-personal-security.htmlic of invisibility". Who you gonna call?

Hotels, sometimes unable to fill rooms, have taken to offering day rates, which they refer to as "Afternoon Delight" rates. Yes, hotels come into the 21st century!

• Guess what's back.. Microsoft Word document viruses!  Simply opening the document will hijack every file on your system.  Please read the article at the above link. You don't have to be a company to have this happen.  DON'T CLICK ON EVERY LINK. DON'T OPEN SOMETHING YOU AREN'T EXPECTING. CHECK WITH THE SENDER IF YOU'RE NOT SURE. Kirk out.

If you downloaded Linux Mint recently, DELETE IT. It was compromised and contains malware. The distribute should be downloaded from the proper channels (which were hijacked recently and are now fixed). I prefer Xubuntu. Ask questions if you have them.

• It's tax time and the IRS is a mess. Last year many refunds were hijacked, going to incorrect recipients. I know a victim of this who had to hire a lawyer to get her own money from her refund. It took the better part of a year. The IRS reports a 400% increase in Phishing and malware in the past year. Be careful out there. Again, if you have questions, ask.

 FBI Director James Comey claims the agency doesn't want to break anyone’s encryption or set loose a master key to devices like the iPhone. However, if Apple complies with the request, this is precisely what will happen. Comey is being disingenuous, as usual.

• 7 Android tools that can help your personal security.

Four people go into a pizzeria and ordered pizza knots. They came out with cheese, which the patrons DID NOT WANT. One lady gets huffy and demands her money back. Police were called because this lady felt that the employee put the money on the counter in a rude manner. She and three others ransacked the restaurant. Someone threw a glass parmesan cheese container, which damaged a tv. Kitchen ransacking ensued. The happy foursome fled but were captured by police.  I'm still trying to figure out why the employees considered this an unreasonable response - if more people made this sort of correction, fewer incorrect orders would be produced..

Sanpellegrino Grapefruit - the Editorial Issue

No, seriously. Sanpellegrino makes sparkling water and some really tasty flavored sparkling water. I am not particularly fond of grapefruit but when I tasted this, I was eating a grapefruit.  Unfortunately I get nothing for mentioning/endorsing this.


If you're planning to go to the Superbowl, you're going to get surveilled so closely that you'll feel like you're getting a colonoscopy.  Security Theater strikes again!  It's for the children.

• A child was kicked out of grade school because of his DNA. Really. Because of some health issues at birth, he had a DNA scan, which revealed the possibility of Cystic Fibrosis. The parents disclosed this to the school on the entrance form. Now the child has been bounced from school because of the potential illness, which would require him to be kept away from all sources of infection. Mind you, the child does not have Cystic Fibrosis. This is the opening shot of Genetic Discrimination. If you've had a DNA scan, you had better find a way to hide it. If your boss finds out you have a genetic disposition to alcoholism, you're outta there. Depression? Bye! 

In case the FDA approves it, you'll want to know that there are now vaginal marijuana suppositories for period pain relief. My mind boggles at the concept of getting a secondary high.

• Don't you hate it when this happens? Author Whitley Strieber was having some landscaping done when the entire crew quit and walked off. The foreman explained that "one of those aliens walked across your driveway." Even stranger, the crew would accept no money.

Hillary Duff's divorce was just finalized. I'm just warning my wife in case she starts calling again. The Vanessa Hudgens situation really got out of hand.

• Thank all that is holy - there will be a Fast and Furious 9 AND 10!

Hundreds of Missippi citizens received jury summons with instructions to call a sex hotline. I'll bet they never have trouble finding jurors.

• A cleaning lady in Mannheim confused an art installation with garbage and threw it in the trash. It's a fine line. You'd probably do it too.

The IRS had to shut down the E-File system due to a 'hardware failure'.  Libertarians: not even in office and already fulfilling their promises.



TECH CORNER

If you haven't been paying attention or slipped and used the Microsoft Edge browser, know that the InPrivate Mode isn't private. You don't even have to understand why... if you use inPrivate mode for privacy, USE ANOTHER BROWSER.

If you use Comodo browser, stop. It poses a security threat.

If you use Malwarebytes antivirus, it can take 3-4 weeks to fix flaws. Malwarebytes' free malware buster is not mentioned. I highly recommend it for weekly scans and getting rid of stubborn malware (on Windows machines).

If you purchased a Microsoft Surface Pro tablet, Surface Pro 2 or 3, your AC power cord is being recalled. Some small nuisance over fire and electrical shock.

Six ways linux is more welcoming than Windows for newcomers.

DO NOT PISS OFF THE INTERNET

Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you have seen the video of the Indian doctor abusing an Uber driver. She was placed on leave by the hospital where she works. But that's nothing compared to the figurative beating she has gotten for pissing off the internet. As the video went viral, people emailed her with all sorts of nasty suggestions, including 'strongly encouraging' suicide. As if this weren't enough, someone found her address and leaked it to the net, prompting people to send her things, including a package containing curry and a hijab. People left notes on her car. Others located the Florida Board of Medicine phone number and suggested people call to complain.

Granted, her behavior was reprehensible. No one should be treated like that, especially poor people providing a service. This was clearly a breach of personal responsibility. The internet has made her life a living hell, in spite of tearful apologies and what appears to be genuine remorse. Fear is probably a component too. That said, this has nothing to do with her medical abilities or practice. 

The internet has shown how ugly it can and will get. The power of incredible amounts of people with varied skills cannot be underestimated but they should probably self-moderate.

ThermionicEmissions would not be ThermionicEmissions if I didn't mention that someone dug up personal pics of her and she looks quite nice in a bikini.

THE TRUMP CARD

I would not presume to tell you how to vote (have I mentioned that Governor Gary Johnson is running on the Libertarian ticket?)  and that is all. You probably know who has my vote (have I mentioned that Governor Gary Johnson is running on the Libertarian ticket?) and I want to officially state that I would not vote for Donald Trump. However, no one could deny his effect on this election.  People, well, the ones who are awake, are pissed. The Donald tells them what they want to hear and a vote for him is a legitimate protest vote. In addition, no one owns Trump, which is a downright lovely thing; he's an outsider. [NOTE: I am not coming down on anyone who votes for him. I just find some of his positions to be dictator-like.]

If you've seen, read, or listened to anything approaching news, you know that Trump bowed out of the debate (offering to return at the last minute if Fox would donate $5 million to one of his charities). Trump has a problem with Megyn Kelly, at very least. 

Trump traded barbs with Kelly and Fox. Fox was grossly unprofessional in its responses. Megyn was one of the moderators of the debate and referred to Trump as an Elephant and other unprofessional hot air emissions. Is this a news outlet or a free-for-all?

ThermionicEmissions would not be Thermionic Emissions if I didn't mention that Kelly is a very attractive woman with long blond hair. She cut it for the debate and her looks vanished in a non-existent puff of smoke.

CRIMINAL

Here are a few words about Hillary Clinton.  Hillary is a lying, vicious career politician, defining hubris. Although the press and government departments desperately try to cover it up, her email situation should result in HILLARY FOR JAIL 2016. 

There is no question of above top secret emails. The Inspector General required a higher clearance just to read the emails to determine if classified information was on the server. Hillary changes her story every time new information comes out. None of this is a secret.

What is completely ignored is that every action after purchasing a server has been a serious security breach, if not downright illegal. If you or I got our work email diverted to a personal server in our bathroom, we would not be employed too much longer. Documents also show that the Russians had the server hacked within twenty minutes of it being powered up. Who knows about if or how far the Chinese got. Wouldn't you qualify a home server diverting above top secret email and effectively providing this information to other nations a pretty serious offense? The emails identify CIA-payrolled spies, whose lives are now in danger.

Lastly, the Top Secret Gov't Network is completely separated from the non-classified system, so someone had to open the classified emails and copy them to the non-classified system. BOOM-they knew. The rest is lies. Now all that remains is that her buddies in government let the indictment go through... uh-oh.

Mike Nesmith (The Monkees)-every day I come home to this - don't you?