Trump Announces Run for Re-Election in 2020

Donald Trump, otherwise known as The Prez, announced he will be running for re-election in 2020.  For coverage of the reaction, we go to NBC, and our correspondent, Vince Scum. Vince, what do you see?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Yes, thank you, Bob. Large scale fainting has already been reported in California, which causes concern over the San Andreas Fault. The people who reject reality are updating their "Not My President 2016" signs to "Not My President 2020".  New twitter hashtags are ready (#NotMyPresidentAgain), and neck muscles are being built up for shaking their heads in abject denial. Reached for comment, Nancy Pelosi said, "Peanut Butter."

A huge list of celebrities say if Trump wins (again), they're moving to the moon. This comes on the heels of a huge list of celebrities saying they were going to leave the country if Trump won in 2016. To date, none have kept their promise. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who was on that list, was not available for comment, but the faint sound of snoring was heard from behind her office door.

Thanks, Bob.
Thank you, Vince.
Now for the reaction on the right, we go to Audi Porsche, from NPR. Audi, what's the word from the right?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Thank you, Bob. I've been rather upset over this most recent event. We put together a panel of experts to tell you why the president is wrong.

Thank you, Audi. Now let's go over to Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a wombat.

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Sits there, staring at the screen.

Thank  you, Vince.  Little known fact: wombats are members of the refrigerator family.

Wait, I'm hearing we have someone actually on the ground, who's actually going to report on the Right's reaction - we go to Vince Hogg, in Texas. Vince?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Thank you, Bob. As you can see, I'm here at the future site of Trump Re-election Headquarters, in the parking lot of the NRA, right by Charlton Heston's grave.  The NRA tells us that sales are suddenly in a slump. Barack Obama gave the largest boost to gun sales in the history of the country, and sales were up after the school shooting in Florida, bless the children and their families. The moment Trump announced, people stopped panic-buying.

Can you hear the cheering, Bob? That's the sound of pickup truck dealers all over the country. Just today, pickup sales have gone through the roof. The governor of Texas has announced two new plants are being built to manufacture oversize Merkin flags and bumper stickers, bringing four hundred and one jobs to Houston. Back to you, Bob.

That was Vince Hogg, in Texas. Few people know this, but up until today, Vince was an exotic dancer and part-time spoon at a very prestigious restaurant in Dallas.

As one would expect, social media has been a war zone ever since the announcement. Instagram features selfies with various lawn signs, Faceyspaces is aghast and everyone with an account is forwarding everything to everyone, resulting in another day at Faceyspaces. The largest reaction was on twitter, where a collective aneurysm occurred, then the hashtags started to be slung. Then all was silent except back-slapping and high fives, as twitter management put into effect its surprise new policy, where anybody who says "Trump" or anything negative about liberals is guilty of Hate Speech and thrown off immediately. This isn't too different from twitter's former policy, where conservatives were thrown off for insulting protected minorities. Over at GAB, the free speech network, servers were buckling under the load. People who managed to get in reported whooping and gunshots at the largest celebration they'd ever seen online. Even the actual nazis there were in good humor, although they blamed Trump's previous victory on the Jews who run everything.

At Democratic Headquarters, a look of confusion mixed with horror is the uniform of the day. Democratic leaders say they fully expect to lose win the 2020  election, on the strength of their performance in the 2016 election. The Committee to Blame Another Country for Interfering in the Election is already formed and working feverishly on a hemisphere. The early indication is some place that ends in -stan. Off the table is Israel, which has pictures of all of them at the Donkey Show. Not mentioned are any possible candidates, but rumor has it that the list includes Barbara Streisand, who is also on the list to move to the moon if Trump wins, and the attendees of the Emmy, Grammy, and Tony awards. Speculation is that the field will also include a jellyfish, Barbara Feinstein's cat, several small bits of bellybutton lint, and Chelsea Clinton (who has already been declared the winner).

Things are all atwitter at Libertarian Party Headquarters, where they expect their greatest chance of winning in the history of the party. The thought here is that, judging by their humiliation in the last election and Trump's great momentum, Democrats might vote libertarian. This is because their candidates may not be able to win, even though they have 'friends' in the election business. To further their chances, dems just purchased livertarian.org, hoping nobody will notice the difference. Meanwhile the libertarians, in an official statement, said they expect to have a candidate by 2019 but don't expect to be allowed to debate or get listed at the polls. The candidate will be likeable, mild-mannered, and know exactly where Aleppo is. Unfortunately he won't know where Canada is. In order to avoid the disgusting spectacle of last year's convention, where one delegate appeared in nothing but a left sock, they are hiring Ted Nugent to reprise his old stage bit of wearing a loincloth, swinging from a rope, and shooting flaming arrows at a picture of Hillary Clinton, while simultaneously playing a guitar solo.

Approached for comment on Trump's announcement, the Green Party said, "Who's Trump?"

Perennial candidate Vermin Supreme will be in the running too. He has modified his platform of dental health and a free pony to dental health and free guns, in order to court undecided Second Amendment supporters. The other perennial candidate, Pat Paulsen, has chosen to remain dead.

First to the mic, though, was Bernie Sanders. Bernie wants everybody to know that we all deserve free education. And free houses, with free cars in their free driveways. Unfortunately, he won't be running this year, as Hillary told him not to and bought him another free house, bringing his total to seven.

All is hushed at Trump HQ, while potential running mates are discussed.  On the short list are Eva Braun, Bob Dole's arm, and Jared from Subway - a man who truly represents both parties.

Trump campaign spokesperson, Judge Judy, released a picture of Donald sitting on his golden toilet and smiling that smile.