Please Move the Cheese. It Stinks.

Polar bears are left-handed. So am I.
Since I went to public school, I know this makes them my ancestors.

• If you are at all curious about how Google Chrome's ad filter (that is not an ad blocker) works, read this.  Remember: the idea is to get you to turn off your ad blocker so their ad revenue won't suffer.

Once again, the good people in DC have stepped in to magically fix everything, this time with the Secure Elections Act. We remember that all legislation means the opposite of its title (Patriot Act), so we have that. The measure issues appropriations of grants to states to take action on election hardware and software issues.  In English, it takes more of your money and gives it to states to 'secure' the elections. The last time elections were secured, we got expensive electronic voting machines with no paper trail, from a manufacturer (Diebold) who donated to the democratic candidate. Speaking of which, how about all those generations of scanning devices at airports.....?

Nothing good comes out of DC and whatever it is will cost you dearly.

Speaking of which, how about that Border Security?

The US government has been left red-faced after it emerged that its Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has failed for over a decade to verify passports are authentic because it has not been able to properly read their built-in smart chip.

This was another project guaranteed to 'keep us safe'. We paid for it. A lot.

What have we gotten for our tax dollars? Another failed system. Another worthless department in our ever-expanding government. Why do I refer to it as Security Theater?

If your work performance turned out to be worthless, what would happen?

You'd be put on Modified Duty, by which I mean your daily routine would be modified by sitting on your couch, looking for a new job. I'm going to take a guess that the remedy for this situation will come in the form of new technology for the department, at the cost of hundreds of millions of your dollars. And these dollars will not be the originally appropriated dollars - they will be additionally appropriated dollars. 

Will heads roll?

No, but eyes will.

Dirty Harry said it best: "Let me ask you a question, punk. Do you feel any safer? DO YOU?"

Border Patrol was not entirely unaware of this small glitch, as the Government Accounting Office reported on it in 2010.

• PRO TIP: if you're really really drunk and if you really really have to wee outside, do not do it on a police station.

Isn't it great and nice and convenient that your new car is connected to the internet? Potentially, yes.

Realistically? Are you kidding me?
Your data is for sale to the highest bidder.
The cherry on the top is that you get to pay for the privilege!

OEMs are adding firewalls to your car!
Even if they were effective, your data will leave the car and be sold, where the profit margin is 80-90%.  What will you get from this? Nothing, at this point.

There are articles on the web on how to pull the cables that connect this. If  I were to buy a car today, I'd be certain to demand the car not be a connected car. Start by not agreeing to pay a carrier to connect it (although you'll still have to disconnect existing gear, especially if there's an OnStar-like feature).

Read the article. Now is the time to educate yourself and make your choice known.

• According to a paper, we're all exhausted.  We're exhausted over things like "Wildfires, terror attacks, rising tensions with North Korea, racist rallies, political investigations in Washington, the non-stop barrage of presidential tweets, more and worse mass shootings from Las Vegas to Florida, a tsunami of sexual harassment accusations, the role of Russians in our elections, climate change, red state-blue state division and not one, not two, but three of the worst hurricanes on record — including one that nearly blew Puerto Rico out of the Caribbean Sea. "
• I thought it was just Mondays.

Everybody's favorite airline, United, has been out of the news for a few weeks, so here's the first entry for February: A passenger used the emergency exit and slide to leave a plane he just boarded at Newark Airport. For some unknown reason, the police arrested him.

No one has been able to find a reason for the event, and the plane was delayed for five hours because of it.  It's kind of a shame the doors are locked once the plane is in the air. To be fair, United has absolutely nothing to do with this very silly behavior, unless one of the flight attendants mind-controlled him and told him the plane was on fire.

• A rare snowfall blanketed Rome the other day, causing many at the Vatican to conclude that hell has finally frozen over.

I never regret not having a Faceyspaces account. Not even being unable to see the Murder/Suicide Channel, where you livestream your own suicide or yourself committing murder. A new entry was a man streaming his own murder.

Well, he didn't actually start out to catch his own death, but while he walked along, someone shot him. He remains quite dead, and Wingate University (North Carolina) went into lockdown for an hour, as did the state of Florida. Five buses full of NRA protesters were immediately diverted to North Carolina, and ten buses of Second Amendment supporters were hot on their heels.

• I hate to be the one to say it, but Monica Lewinsky looks pretty good these days.  

I wonder if she'd be up for a cigar...

Experts claim  that robots will take over and 'treat humans like guinea pigs'.

Yes, they will be taking over customer service positions.

• Broward County deputy Scot Peterson is taking an untold amount of grief for not running inside during the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High that killed 17. Peterson says he didn't initially believe that the gunfire was happening inside the building, which is why he hid looked for the gunman outside. Footage of  Peterson's actions can be found here.

• A man suspected of swallowing drugs is having his output monitored. Word is that he's on a 38-day toilet strike and 'would rather die than poo'.
• C'mon  - when was the last time you went three full days without pooing? Remember all the pleasant feelings? Especially the ones in the car, on the turnpike, with the next bathroom 53 miles away?

Madonna has slammed modern hitmaking.

No, seriously.

The first musical no-talent queen of marketing is upset with the genre she pioneered?

In completely unrelated news, Barack Obama is very upset about all the black people running for office.

• My bestest buds over at Apple have revealed a giant, high-end iPhone. Because $1200 wasn't charging the customers enough. There will also be a bargain model released (expected price, $1199.99).
• Although the new iDevice won't be out til late this year, people are already lining up at random phone stores, in Apple Position: on their knees with wallets outstretched, drooling out of at least on side of their mouth, and thinking of new ways to praise this wonderful phone that they have not tried to their friends.  In anticipation, their friends have all moved to South America.

"Call Me By Your Name" is hailed as a heartbreaking gay romance, but Hollywood's SJW Squad is pissed that two straight actors were cast in the lead. Perhaps the Squad can be appeased if the actors claim they're closeted.  I left my acting certificate in my other pants, but I guess you'd have to be a hell of an actor to play gay.

The only acting I ever do is trying to play Adult. It's difficult and takes a lot out of me.

• According to a study at the University of New Jersey, Camden Campus, eating fruits and vegetables slashes your depression risk by ten percent. In a universal declaration, the US stated it will take its chances.

Attorneys for a 15-year-old accused of stabbing a woman to death last year in Colorado is about to claim that acne medicine made her do it. In the meantime, you should either avoid or start using Accutane, depending on your situation.

• Next time you decide to fly, if you can get past the TSA, think about this flight. I watched a play by play and noticed people saying 'aboot' and 'pop' (soda) so I knew it was a Canadian airline. A passenger asked for a pop and was less than amused to be charged $3 for it. He got loud. The flight attendant, previously known as stewardess, previously known as Hey Babe,  tried to calm the fellow down, but he shifted topic to paying taxes on duty-free stuff. When Hey Babe said she was just handing out headsets, he let slip that he should bomb Canada.
• Perhaps he was a time traveler from August 2001. Perhaps he had consumed most of what he bought at the duty-free. Perhaps he should have been denied a seat due to "Too stupid to fly."
• If I were on that flight, I'd hope the crew could distinguish hysterical laughter from evil laughter, lest I take an unplanned ride after the flight.
• For some reason, the plane's captain was less amused than me and pulled an aerial u-turn, back to Toronto. Upon landing, the plane was stormed by Canadian Special Forces (armed with curling brushes) and the Pop Protester was removed. He had no idea the welcoming committee was exclusively for him. He was later discovered to have issues.
• The replacement plane had to divert also, due to a medical emergency.
• Here's the special attention part: since September 11, 2001, any time there's an emergency like this, planes flying through the US get F-15 escorts. I'm wondering what an F-15 can do about a loudmouth, or even a loudmouth with things that go boom. Then they explained things.... the plane that exploded over Lockerbie, Scotland, sent debris all over the place and caused many casualties on the ground. So they don't want planes going down over populated areas. I'm still asking myself how F-15s can stop a plane from exploding. The fellow explains that they're escorting the plane and if anything looks bad... they can make a decision then.  
• Uh-oh.

Danny Gatton - the world's best unknown guitarist.

Here's a local story on him and his struggle for The Big Time.

He toiled for years, with recognition from local fans to big guitarists. He made the cover of Guitar Player and Vintage Guitar. He played with cars, ala Jeff Beck.

Danny could play jazz, country, rockabilly, blues and whatever else he wanted. Guitar players would watch him, slack jawed. I stood a couple of feet from him at a now-defunct club in Philly. He did a bit where he played slide with a beer bottle. One day there was a kid there with crutches and Danny played slide with a crutch.

Eventually Danny broke out and produced a few really good CDs.

Here's the Sun Medley (Mystery Train, My Baby Left me, That's Alright)

He appeared on Austin City Limits, finally expanding his audience. He really started to hit big. He was a star with audiences and throngs of guitar players, who simply could not believe what he could do.

Shortly thereafter, Danny chose to take his own life, using the shotgun method (not a terribly popular rock star goodbye).

If shit ain't feelin' right, please speak up. You'd be depriving the world of so much more.

I still see his original 1953 Telecaster at guitar shows.