Friday, November 27, 2015

A Frightening Lesson in Futility

One of my very bright friends called me over the other day, because his computer was 'broken'. Broken is a very large word, meaning everything from it's slow to it's on fire. They say if you teach a man to fish, you'll teach a man to fish every day, and that's the case here. When I show him the problem and tell him how to make sure he doesn't cause it again, I watch his eyes glaze over. He is no longer hearing me. In fact, he's off somewhere in his Happy Place<tm>, perhaps on some island somewhere, sipping Dunkin Donuts coffee and reading a good pornographic medical tutorial for Continuing Education Credits.

I'm not positive, but I suspect this might be a clever defensive offensive mechanism... if he seems so seriously disconnected, people will get frustrated because it's faster to just fix it for him than to bring him back from wherever it is that he went.

The laptop is a really cute, thin jobbie. Unfortunately it's a Dell. Yesterday it was announced that certain new Dells shipped with malware already installed that will let a malicious entity (Dick Cheney) take over the computer (and presumably fly it into a building). As if this weren't enough, the interface was weird. And I'm talking weird for Microsoft, which is a stretch. It came to me in a blinding flash: this was WINDOWS 8. He bought a laptop with Windows 8. It hurts deep down inside that people shop for laptops without taking the operating system into account. What's worse, Windows 7 and 8 keep trying to turn into WINDOWS 10 [shudder].  I remember this idiotic screen system from the server version. You simply cannot find anything. It's that way on purpose. Microsoft got all their design people together in one room and distributed large quantities of mind-altering hallucinogenics. At this point someone had the brilliant idea to hide all of the familiar buttons and functions. START MENU? Who needs it? This idea met with raucous applause (and no small amount of reflexive vomiting and cheering).

So, after all the hangovers dissipated, the rework looked questionable but they went ahead and hid all the important functions and features in a way that no one would find them. Because it was good for us.
So there I was, attempting to find stuff. You know, to install helpful programs and tweak things. No start menu. It was like a flashback... PTSD... all the screaming about the server and the piece of crap alleged graphical interface. You can't get there from here. I also want to cause mental anguish to the guy who came up with the Ribbon, equal to the anguish the users feel.

I installed the Normal Windows Precaution Bundle (Firefox, Malwarebytes, CCleaner, Revo Uninstall) and did a cleanup (because you have to clean up the initial install of this alleged operating system). It was sluggish. It was ugly. It bothered me in a way an operating system shouldn't. I want to force Bill Gates to use his own operating system - that's a lot of punishment. Trying to make Internet Explorer open with a blank page was an exercise in futility, especially with the time (and patience) I had left. Mind you, it worked perfectly in Firefox.

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Next month is Frank Sinatra's 100th birthday.  He will not be celebrating.
However, precisely at midnight, alcohol vendors the world over will ring a bell.


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This is a really bad time of year for headlines about Turkey downing a fighter jet.


The staff, wives and pets of ThermoinicEmissions wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. We hope there's lots to be thankful for. I'm thankful that you stop by to read this.



Wednesday, November 25, 2015

2015 Fall Philly Guitar Show

Yes, kids, it was time for the twice-yearly religious pilgrimage to the Fall Philly Guitar Show; so named because it's not really fall and it's not in Philly. I suppose the Oaks Guitar Show doesn't have the same ring, but what do I know about marketing (except that they only hire attractive people).

We were quite happy that the show moved back to the larger hall. This means we weren't too close to the Furries, which was a real gift. We were, however, next to the reptile show. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I'll leave it up to you. In a backhanded and sneaky way, the Expo Center generates revenue for the county. They have precious few handicapped spots but the Mounties prowl the parking lots for any violation they can invent spot. Handicapped placard the wrong color? That's a ticket. Parked outside the lines? That's a ticket. No insurance? That's a tazing. Considering that most people come from Philthydelpia, there are over 50% uninsured. That's a lot of tazing. The police carry howitzers in their trunks, just in case.

As is the norm, right inside the door are the Greyhound rescue people, with some of their dogs. You'd think a racing dog would be running all over the show, knocking $125,000 guitars to the floor, but no. Most were perched or sacked out on their huge beds. I went up to one particularly immoble fella and noted to my wife that the dog was just like me. She agreed and put a few bucks in their bucket. The story here is that the racetrack owners (in Florida) use these dogs until they're done, then dump them to shelters or rescues, who try to find them good homes.

Business seemed brisk and there were some interesting things to see. The left-handed count was a little meager but it's always fun to see what's there.

The first intersting booth (table) I saw was Taylor. They were nice enough to bring a few lefties. The saleslady told me they make all their guitars in lefty. This is the kind of company we need to support (never mind that the guitars are really nice and feel and sound wonderful).  Martin was also there, with a complete and total lack of anything left-handed, although they do make them.  That was mostly it for the large manufacturers. Most everything else was small vintage dealers from all over the place. And Asian folks, who are smart enough to purchase a lot of guitars then sell them back to us at outrageous premiums. Be fair - they have a vintage market too.

Taylor 210 - $699: good price, good guitar


Taylor K16ce - $4132: not crazy about the color but it played like butter, with a slight V-neck, slightly expensive


Taylor 814ce - $3499: really sweet, a bit out of my current range

Unfortunately, the show is not a good place to try out acoustic guitars. While you can get a feel for the feel of the guitar, you pretty much have to hire someone to stand a few feet in front and tell you how it sounds. Fortunately I had my wife and she has a pretty good ear. One of the few joys of being left-handed is the attention you draw while trying out a guitar. I call it the Spaceship Effect: Hey Martha - he's a-playin that there gittar the wrong way round! Lookit! I could walk on water and not get the same reaction (trust me, I've tried it).



You were likely to find all sorts of vintage guitars, amps and accessories, as well as the odd cheap new guitar and one really good guy who had parts out the wazoo, down to screws. There were some ancient Marshall amps, including a 20w head. You don't want to know the prices. There was even a `74 full stack (I have a `74 half stack - great amp). There weren't enough Fender tweed amps but more Stratocasters than you can shake a stick at (for those with a burning desire to shake sticks at things). You could purchase anything from a $300 Mexican to a six-figure `54 Strat. There were ancient Esquires and Teles that you could ogle and perhaps even play (with your first-born as collateral).

Need pedals? There was no shortage of them, from cheapie distortions to new micro-pedals, to the obscenely-priced Strymon units ($250-450). Mitch Colby was there with a very sweet-sounding amp of his. Warrior had a huge booth (of unhelpful, snotty, hair dyed black employees who sneer at lefties). One guy had a bunch of Nash Strat and Tele-style guitars. Nash builds them like vintage guitars. I really like them, in spite of never having held a lefty.

At one booth, we spent some time discussing ugly finishes. Never having heard of Gibson's moonburst, the very attractive lady yanked out her tablet to look it up. I figured she completely regretted having appeared at a sausage-fest but she admitted that she found some eye-candy and that she actually had a hand in building the guitars. She did really good work.


1991 Strat - $850

Carcass bass! $125

great color - American Strat - $950 - NJ Bass and Guitar

Tele - $399 + Strat - $449 - NJ Bass and Guitar

Axis - $1399, Epi LP - $499, Schecter J-Bass - $399 - NJ Bass and Guitar

Partsmaster - $599


1968 J Bass - $7595: if this were a Strat, the price would be out of this world

buncha Taylors - thanks for bringing them!

1971 Strat - It's sad when the most expensive lefty is only $11,000


























































I think the most interesting or bizarre sight was this nice gentleman with his seven-string Warwick bass. I believe his name was Chris. He played really well and offered to let me have a go at it. The neck on this beauty is wide enough to sit ten people for dinner. I struggled in vain for something that sounded like an E but failed miserably. Chris was kind enough to point out that the reason I was failing so miserably was that there were NO open Es. There were a bunch of F#s and Bs. Not being that good, I handed the beautiful instrument back to him. It was very easy to handle and light. I dared not ask the cost.




All in all, it was fun. Maybe next time I'll know how to use my phone's camera and maybe even take some shots of other interesting things.  See you next summer for the spring show.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Disneyland Belgium

Today the Disney franchise announced the opening of Disneyland Belgium.

The world is sick and tired of all the terrorist bombings, shootings and suicides, so Disney has created the perfect safe space for terrorists, terrorist wanna-bes and general thrill-seekers who are terrorist-curious.

Terrorists, heretofore referred to as guests, can feel free to collect intelligence, suit up with an appropriate bomb belt, and take out multiple targets, all without harming innocent people or themselves! For a small additional fee, guests can blow themselves and a small crowd of simulated innocent citizens to smithereens. A medium-size stadium with real simulated sports fans (with or without gate screeners) can be rented with a week's notice. For the truly ambitious pro, a simulated plane flyover, filled with simulated innocent passengers, can be arranged (remember - if you blow it up, it's yours!).

For the large-scale instigators, bent on declaring jihad and inciting violence, huge venues filled with simulated mujaheddin can be arranged, complete with screams of vengeance and adherence to the word of the Koran.

If you're a nation-state, guests can rent a village or town, filled with innocent, lifelike citizens and simulated farm animals for something to do in your time off. Please call for rates.

If you truly like danger, UN peacekeepers can be rented on the ground and French warplanes can drop real bombs on your location. You'll be perfectly safe because President Obama has pledged that there will be no boots on the ground in Disneyland Belgium.

Need that special souvenir to make all your freedom-fighting friends jealous? Purchase a real imitation monogrammed suicide belt.  Get a headscarf featuring Goofy slitting the throat of an infidel. A Mickey Mouse AR15! A picture of Minnie Mouse being used as a jihadi wife (frame extra).

No guns, knives, belts, improvised explosive devices, or rocket-propelled grenades will be permitted past the main gates. You can purchase all of these at our conveniently-located kiosks all over the park, for a low members-only price (plus a 40% bribe and a 50% return deposit).

Call now for package deals, airfare included, or just sneak across our borders.


Disneyland Belgium - come on in and never leave!

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Smell the Table

My mother is weird. Yes, how can she not be weird, considering her son (I hear insanity goes upstream). She got a table recently that smelled. You certainly can't argue with the statement, no matter how weird it is. While waiting for the furniture store to pick it up, my wife happened to be at the house and Mom explained about the table.

"Smell it," she said.

My wife, not used to sniffing tables, assured her that she believed her.

"SMELL THE TABLE," she insisted.

The wife knows not to poke the tiger with a pointed stick, so she smelled the table. As it turned out, the table smelled largely like a table, whatever that smells like. Rather than argue with a woman carrying a very sharp knife, she agreed. I forgot to mention that this is the third table.


  • I just found out that the Crazy Lady next door refers to our house as the Addams Family house. I shall wear that like a badge of pride. What confuses me is how a 438 year old creature knows the Addams Family. She existed hundreds of years before television. She will exist hundreds of years after television. When our ashes have washed off the guitar stores where they've been spread, she will still be there, cackling and belittling her new neighbors for not being up to her standards.

According to a new working paper by the National Bureau of Economic Research, hot weather leads to diminished 'coital frequency'. For us Thermionic non-academic types, this says that global warming means less boom-boom. We, as Americans (and readers from all countries), need to come together (<--see what I did there?) to counter this very discouraging statistic. So when you get home, boink your significant other and announce proudly that you're doing your part to battle global warming!

  • No more Me and Bobby McGee: A Florida man (of course), named Bobby McGee, has been convicted of stabbing his wife nineteen times. His (somewhat shaky) defense was that he was stabbing her as part of an exorcism, to drive the demons out.

Administrators at Vassar College put the Constitution through a paper shredder. Professors are saying that the Constitution is "oppressive" and "causes people pain."  I never went to college (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) but this really twists my head around, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, shooting pea soup in a 360 degree arc.

  • If you're heading off to Galacia, Spain, for the Clitoris Festival, you're going to be horribly disappointed and terribly embarrassed. Google Translate didn't. It somehow translated rapini (a leafy green veggie) with the clitoris (a large chocolate marshmallow candy). I can personally guarantee you that there will be plenty of both there, but you'll have significant difficulty finding one of them (moreso).

He did it his way: We sadly note that, in an interview with Robin Williams' widow, Robin had Parkinson's and a form of dementia that would have killed him within three years. He was deteriorating in front of their eyes.


  • Turkey's first underwater museum opened the other day.  In other news, one hundred people drown in opening of Turkey's first underwater museum.

After an audit, it turns out that a Kenyan ministry bought sex toys and expensed them. This is the difference between a third world country and a first world country: in Kenya, they expense sex toys. In the US, we expense Columbian hookers.



  • Southbridge Middle/High School went into lockdown because a student was waving a stapler and other students thought it was a gun. The way things are going, you'll be able to rob a bank with your fingers making the gun sign.  STAND BACK - HE HAS A STAPLER!




Two weeks ago, the head of the CIA had his AOL email account hacked. Yesterday FBI Deputy Director Mark Jiuliano and his wife had their AOL account hacked, presumably by the same hacking group. Yesterday, over 3,500 government employees' names, email addresses and law-enforcement contacts were leaked online.  WHY DO THESE HIGH-RANKING FRAUDS HAVE AOL ACCOUNTS, some with sensitive information? These are the ogranizations that are 'keeping us safe'. War on Terror! Homeland Security! Fusion Centers! Foreign Terrorists! Homegrown Terrorists! It's for the children!  Safety begins at home, guys.



MUSIC

Phil Collins is set to return to music. Music lovers the world over move to block this rebirth, saying 'There is far too much suffering in the world as it is'.


I can't remember how I found Jellyfish, but it was a fortunate discovery.  The best way I can describe them is a combination of the Beatles and Badfinger or Queen, 10cc and Rembrandts. For whatever reason, they never made it - possibly due to talent.

The King is Half Undressed is a good, memorable tune. It's also a video with very strange, old outfits.
Check out all the goodies on their album Bellybutton. Also enjoy New Mistake from Spilt Milk. This is a serious hit that never hit, complete with George Harrison-ish harmonized slide guitar solo.



He will make a perfect entitled American citizen (but won't apply)

Sunday, November 15, 2015

PIRANHA!

When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping - Wife.

SHOES! Buy one, get one free - my wife's favorite department store.

Guess what we did this weekend?  No, go ahead....
After the better part of a week's lethargy combined with the mad impulse to escape the house-as-prison, we sprang forth and invaded the department store. A sale is sometimes indicated by anything from nothing at all to mad American-style consumerism. Mad American-style consumerism is perfectly illustrated by the sale at Walmart, a few years back, that wound up with one dead in the mad rush to get a deal on a flat screen television. It looked like a large, wild herd of cattle, moving through a small gate that is completely incapable of admitting a herd, no less a small grouping or a few members of an old persons' shuffleboard group. It was a horrid study of herd mentality and naked greed, or, as we call it, America.

Upon entering the store, we looked to one side to find nothing at all. The other side, however, caused me to immediately utter, "PIRANHA!" And piranha it was. There had to be about a hundred people descending on a rather small shoe area, devouring everything in their path. It was not safe to get within a few inches of any part of the group, lest we get clipped, bitten or shredded. And this was only the old ladies. Heaven forbid two or four people eye the same pair.. the riot police would have to be called in.

What made this particular mob slightly more dangerous was the presence of men. Yes, the store made the tragic mistake of putting men's shoes on sale too. I hate to sound optimistic (ever) but this mis-shot would have been infinitely more dangerous if it were the other way 'round. A mostly bumbling group of men, waiting for their wives to tell them what they wanted, when suddenly a women's sale is announced, completely stampeding the poor males of the species and leaving them with no direction whatsoever.

But the women are truly the worst. Professional women, turned menacing shrews, prowl the inventory for just the right hooker shoes or, better yet, the right deal on the right hooker shoes, baring their teeth in an age-old display of Shopping Dominance. I saw a touchy-feely social worker rip the head off a baby, to distract its mother, in order to get those black pumps in a size seven.

And speaking of size seven, if you have feet that are sized in any size that isn't seven, you're going to spend a lot of time looking, generally in a futile endeavor (endeavour for our British readers). And they complain that Americans aren't multi-lingual.  Apparently the Shoe Industry thinks all women fit into a range of sizes between six and eight. If women have the misfortune to have feet outside of the Recommended Sizes, they're essentially screwed. Or forever doomed to haunt the shoe aisles, in search of the last pair of really hot boots, which are only available in mustard yellow or blue. While blue boots are not a problem for shoppers whose hair they match, most people tend to flee in the opposite direction. My wife, being of my general height, failed miserably in having a dainty size seven foot. We are thankful that both feet are the same size. Did you know that women's breasts aren't generally the same size? I study this stuff.

Ladies, this part's for you: I am not afraid to go shopping with my wife. She says I'm of great assistance, as I know what she likes and can usually pick out something she might have missed. After she found a pair of boots she liked, I pointed at another table, ringed with a particularly deadly breed of piranha, upon which sat the perfect set of boots [swoon]. Wife was most impressed, they actually fit, and off we were, to the Endless Line. Now when I say actually fit, I mean one of them actually fit. The other was nowhere to be found, hence the Line Without End. The place was so loopy that there was a line for getting the other shoe or other size plus a line to bring back the other size. It was mind-boggling and a little bit frightening.

I understand that all shoes must be tried on because a size nine might be bigger than a ten. Women's sizes are apparently applied by monkeys throwing size tags at random clothing. Whatever sticks is the size. Monkeys also fling poo, but those clothes go back to the industrial washers without sizes.

While this was going on, I tried to maintain what appeared to be a safe distance. My personal space is generally about twenty feet in any direction. I had to lower this to two feet, which started the sweating and shaking, as my fight or flight response kicked in. And I would definitely had fled, if I weren't afraid that my motion would be misinterpreted as a special deal and I disappear in a sea of piranha, with only my bones for my wife to have sent home to her in a (not shoe) box.

Perhaps in a display of what the store really cared about, the line for the cash register ended at the cash register. There was NO ESCAPE after paying. At that point, they had no responsibility for the life and safety of their customers. We somehow managed to escape, with the aid of a saleslady who took pity on me, seeing the amount of bags my wife made me carry. I suggested 'piranha' to her, which prompted a minute or two of a story about taking her son to that movie. Confused but grateful, we ran for the exit.

Unfortunately we ran the wrong way. I suspect this wasn't the wrong way for my wife, as it opened up into a mall.. There is some sort of magic force that pulls her in the direction of SHOPPING. This is a lady who will instinctually go the wrong way out of a store. A few miles down the mall, she spotted a Choo Choo Charlie's. This is an undeniable attraction, similar to the way a jungle cat pounces on a live buffalo or convenient sofa. This is a store that a man cannot possibly understand and is better off staying outside, checking email and surfing the exciting world of internet pop-ups. The store has twenty-five displays. On each display is the same merchandise in one color. There was a red display, a turquoise display, a blue display and several other colors that a man cannot distinguish or name. Unfortunately, staying outside of the store causes the man a conundrum; whether it's safer to stay outside or to follow her inside to prevent more damage to the bank balance. Fortunately we escaped unscathed.

Until we came upon the Shoe Store. This was a different shoe store, therefore it merited further inspection. And what did our eyes spy in the first aisle? The fringy black suede moccasin boots we've been searching for all our adult lives. Whee! For anybody counting, we're now effectively at buy two, get one free, from buy one, get one free. Everywhere we went, there were salesladies enablers. "But we can't be done shopping - you still have arm space!" she observed excitedly.

Bruised and battered, we made it home. Then we went over things she bought but did not necessarily remember (every day is Christmas when you're highly dissociative).

Ultimately, the joke's on her - next week is the guitar show.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Definitely Maybe

Bohemian Rhapsody celebrates its 40th birthday on October 31.  Queen guitarist Brian May still rocks out to it in his car. How was it made? I'm glad you asked. From Freddie's concept to the stages of recording to video to radioplay to live performance, it's a great story.


  • Somebody call Goodyear!  A $2.7 billion Department of Defense unmanned blimp got loose and floated over Pennsylvania for a few hours (and when I say 'got loose', I mean it got confirmed shot down). The purpose of the balloon is to detect a missile attack, although Spy Machine is certainly another mission. To keep things interesting, the steel mooring cable dragged along for the ride, shorting out power wherever it went along the way. A recent investigation by the Baltimore Sun found the program "hobbled by defective software, vulnerability to bad weather and poor reliability." Apparently this is not a new phenomenon - they have gotten loose in Afghanistan on a number of occasions. IT'S COMING FOR US. AND OUR WALLETS!

A West Virginia [uh-oh] assistant prosecuting attorney has been suspended for pulling a pistol on fake spiders decorating his office. In my professional capacity as an amateur blogger, I suggest that this man's meds be re-evaluated.


  • lefty has a credit card with a $5,000 limit. lefty has run smack into the limit. lefty calls the credit card company and negotiates, over seven days, a new limit of $7,500. lefty fully plans to spend up to the new limit and start the entire routine again in six months, claiming he'll pay his balance down (with a wink).  Congratulations! lefty has just explained the national debt and what Congress just did in passing its 'budget'.
There is now a Zombie Disease.  Called Cotard's Syndrome, it makes a person think they're dead. Why the hell can't we have a disease that makes people stop taking selfies? Where Cotard's makes people think they have no brain, the new syndrome installs a proper-size brain. Come to think of it, I used to walk up to automatic doors and they wouldn't open. I wonder if I'm a zombie....

  • An Italian doctor has been suspended from practicing in the UK after failing an English language test. In America, we promote them.

Apparently the Chinese targeted Anthem Healthcare to learn about US healthcare.  What's there to learn? Pay a lot of money to a huge corporation with solid political ties. The corporation then tries (and succeeds) not to pay a single cent in compensation. What's so complicated?

  •   Hundreds of immigrant families caught illegally crossing the Mexican border told U.S. immigration agents they made the dangerous journey in part because they believed they would be permitted to stay in the United States and collect public benefits, according to internal intelligence files from the Homeland Security Department.

The school president of the University of Louisville, KY, has apologized for staff wearing Hispanic halloween costumes.  Apparently putting on a sombrero is racist and the entire staff now has to take diversity training. Colleges now designating Halloween costume sensitivity consultants.  Scottish Diversity Committee has decreed a no-kilt policy.  Jewish Anti-defamation League forbids rabbi costumes. Paranormal Response Group says NO GHOSTS.  ACLU is suing, claiming bias against witches and pagans in general. Muslims offended over birkas. Christians say ignore halloween. In fact, the only group that isn't complaining is the American Dental Association.

In other news, Walmart has its own SWAT team to prevent 'embarrassing' Halloween costumes from hitting the shelves.

  • Robot buses are coming to America!  The only question is how they will get the buses to drive as poorly as human bus drivers. Can you program a bus to go through a red light?  The buses are made in France, so at least they'll be full of disdain for American bus-riders.

It's better to burn out than it is to rust?  My wife came to me, in an upset state, to inform me that our stove was rusting. Of course our stove was rusting - it's been so quiet lately. Technically she's correct; that little panel under the display has rust spots. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? Well, you can take it off, scrape and sand the entire thing down and repaint it, perhaps in your spare time. As for me, it's on my list, but waaaaaay down at the bottom, under dusting.


  • You know that feeling of relief you get when you drive through an intersection and the light changes, but you made it ok?  Relief always turns to outrage when you check your rearview mirror and find that another car went right through the light and is just about inside your trunk. Bastards!

China wishes to remind its citizens that the new Two Child Policy goes into effect in March, therefore the One Child Policy is in effect until then. American math, hopefully similar to Chinese math, indicates that prospective parents can start fucking now: whatever arrives will do so after March.



  • Japan and Korea have agreed to accelerate talks to resolve a row about Korean women forced to work in Japanese brothels during World War Two. Reportedly, Japan has offered to return them to Korea no later than this weekend.

Hacking group Anonymous is planning to reveal the identities of 1,000 KKK members, as obtained from the Twitter account of a clan member.  Wait - the KKK has computers?


  • Sometimes a man can get in trouble, through no fault of his own. Like when your girlfriend answers with a simple hello, and you're in the shower and it's your wife on the phone - Joe Walsh, Certain Situations.

Hero of the Great Unwashed, Mark Dice, has another video, this time asking Hillary supporters if they support Sharia (Muslim) law in the US. And you know they do....


PRIVACY:  A popular iDevice encryption app has just been released for android.  I figure if Edward Snowden uses it, it should be good enough for me. It's called Signal and is available from the Play Store.  I'll assume none of us has information that's so critical it needs to be encrypted. But this isn't about criticality; this is about the right to privacy.. the right to NOT have your communications intercepted and put in a file somewhere for future use. I'm using it now.



Definitely Maybe?
My hero, Jeff Beck, released Definitely Maybe way back in 1972, on the Jeff Beck Group album. This is a wonderful instrumental. The thing that really does it for me, theme aside, is the multiple guitar tracks during the 'verse'. The way they're stacked and play off each other is really interesting and musically satisfying; for lack of better term, well-orchestrated (specifically at the end). It is also the only known (to me) use of a slide with a wah pedal.  The more than able keyboardsmanship comes courtesy of Max Middleton, who did most of the keyboards up to about Blow by Blow. Great stuff - it's a shame he's not with Jeff Today. As this is from an album, you'll hear a bit of click. Enjoy!





Dog Training

Monday, November 9, 2015

Billy Was a Mountain

Fast & Furious star Paul Walker is a new entry in the latest Forbes list of top-earning dead celebrities.
  • there is a list of top-earning dead celebrities?
  • perhaps I should become dead - it seems to be great for your career. 
  • Hendrix did most of his work posthumously

The first republican presidential debate will air only on CNBC. A spokesman for the GOP stated that they don't want the kind of person who doesn't have cable voting for republicans.


ThermionicEmissions would like to congratulate Northrup Grumman, which beat Boeing and Lockheed Martin to win the multi-BILLION dollar contract on the next-generation long-range strike bomber.  When asked for comment on how we're going to pay for this, President Obama said, "What the hell do you think we're doing in Syria?"

  • I used to object to the characterization of California as the land of fruit and nuts but it's glaringly obvious that they earned the title fairly.  They are now considering warning labels on meat. As if that weren't enough, San Francisco voted to shield illegal aliens from deportation officials (except they called them immigrants, of course). Next week, San Francisco considers voting to shield serial murderers from the police.

ZOMBIE fan? You'll be disappointed to hear that Hollywood is going back to exorcism and demonic possession. Just in time for the holidays.

  • According to Nielsen, football led tv ratings this week.  In a completely unrelated story, Kim Kardashian announces that she and Kanye are getting sex changes.

The Catholic priest who was fired by the Vatican says the clergy is 'full of homosexuals.' Who could have seen that coming?  Apparently he neglected to mention child molesters too.



Ever wonder where crop circles come from? Wonder no more.

  • I have posted a few pieces about how the satanists are fighting for our rights. Now the atheists are at it, but apparently they need to take a cue from the satanists about making a point. Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris and Neil deGrasse Tyson are going to hold a cross burning ceremony for Christmas because 'a cross-burning... would teach them a lesson in rational thought.'  Gents: I fear this is not the way to go about making friends and influencing people. People might not grok the subtlety of your message. Christians will be mad, the KKK will sue you for copyright violation, and the Muslims will probably shoot you on principle.

Fender now has a Jimi Hendrix Stratocaster! And it's only for backwards (right-handed) people. Sad irony.

TECH

A survey of applications installed on Windows computers found that a lot of users don't run up-to-date versions of Apple programs; QuickTime and iTunes were the largest group [Most Exposed to Threats in the US].  As if it wasn't bad enough that people are using Windows AND Apple, I strongly urge you to keep these up to date.  In fact, you'd be well-served to dump QuickTime and use the free (and open source), capable VLC for all of your audio and video needs. It does not have viruses or Phone Home like the bloated QuickTime. As for iTunes, I'm not even gonna bother...

If you use WhatsApp, know that it's sucking up your data like mad. Find an alternative. I don't use this so I can't tell you where to go. 


BILLY THE MOUNTAIN

This is an incredible song by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention. It runs a bit long for today's MTV-bred viewers/listeners. When I first heard it, I fell in love. This version features Volman/Kaylan vocals, formerly of the Turtles (Happy Together). It tells the story of Billy (a mountain) and his wife Ethel (a tree growing out of his shoulder). It's rife with references to the Tonight Show, patriotism, the draft, California, and the new superhero for our times, Studebaker Hawk. If you have delicate ears, skip it. If you have delicate ears, you wouldn't be reading ThermionicEmissions.

This opera came out long before compact discs and had to fit on a record. The level of musicianship is stellar, like most of Zappa's recordings. Imagine how difficult it must be to perform a piece this long every night, including the odd change for venue. It's mind-boggling.  Give it a listen and check out the story - it's only slightly bizarre.

If your brain has somehow managed not to explode, check out Mothers Live at the Fillmore '71. It's a little easier on the skull and has a great groupie story. Robert Plant was hysterical over it.





Friday, November 6, 2015

Review: Mpow Wireless Bluetooth Radio Adapter

I have a car that is exactly one model year from having an AUX input on the radio, master of timing that I am. I have tried enough FM transmitter boxes to fill the back seat of said car; all have been barely functional at best, largely garbage.

As the result of some web page or other, I went to Amazon and checked out a few, selecting several with great reviews from people who also had back seats full of crappy adapters.

The Mpow seemed to be the Real Deal<tm> so I went with it. In spite of the 3-5 day delivery promise, it arrived the next day. Being tinfoil hat, I never use Bluetooth. Ok, I used it once indoors, with extremely disappointing results on file transfers. Since I desperately wanted some Real Music in my car, I resigned myself to enabling Bluetooth in the car only.

The adapter is different than the other white-box units I tried. It plugs into the lighter socket and has a very handy USB port on the other end. A gooseneck leads to the control portion, complete with digital display of the transmit frequency. Can I be more descriptive? Probably. Will I? No.

Operating the device is pretty simple: you pair it with your phone via Bluetooth. Instructions are included. The PITA part, no fault of the device, is finding a clear spot on the FM band. Look for one with no signals on adjacent frequencies, if at all possible. This will make your experience a lot less frustrating. Tune the adapter via the thumbwheel, fire up your favorite android music player (ok iDevice too) and you're off. Failure to find a decent hole in the FM band may doom you to intermittent hissing and random fart noises (especially if you're listening to Howard Stern).

The unit surprisingly includes two buttons for Next and Previous track. To my surprise, Bluetooth has some neato functions, including muting the music for incoming alerts, allowing next and previous track and not locking the screen (so you can take your eyes off the road for shorter periods of time before you crash the car).

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On a side note, my favorite android music player is Dead Beef (free, available in Play Store). I love this player because it's completely unintrusive (I use VLC for everything else on Win/lin/android). It does not insist on searching your entire device for any piece of media it can play. I just point it to my music directory and go. Players that index all of your multimedia files can lead to very embarrassing situations if you don't want everybody hearing or seeing every file on your device (know what I mean, nudge nudge?).

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How is it?  Pretty damn cool.

WHAT I LIKE:
  • I can play my songs over the radio! This is technically referred to as the Wow Factor.
  • By nature, it also works with phone calls, assuming your phone's mic is in decent proximity or sensitive enough. Of course, you need to consider whether or not you want your Significant Other's voice emanating from all of your car's speakers. Entirely your call (so to speak).
  • Gee Whiz blue glow indicator of Bluetooth pairing
  • handy USB adapter

CONS:
  • the gooseneck is a bit short
  • the volume isn't as loud as the radio
  • the buttons stopped then started working for some reason - looking into it

Updates as I have them.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

You Are What You Is

A sword-weilding attacker killed a teacher and a student at a Swedish school.  I think it's long past time that we sit down and draft some common-sense legislation to handle the proliferation and illegal use of swords.

  • Only in Oklahoma? A drunken lady fell out of her pickup truck while driving. As if that were not enough, her three-year-old took the wheel and steered the truck across four lanes to safety, with his brother in the back.  Mom has been arrested for DUI and child endangerment, son cited for not using horn, brights and middle finger while driving.

There's apparently a Meat Thing happening now. Processed meat (ham, bacon) are about to be linked to cancer and red meat is on their tail. In related news, human DNA has been found in hot dogs, as well as meat DNA in vegetarian hot dogs.So get out there and eat your meat before it's carcinogenic. But maybe not.. it depends on reading the article and understanding that one percent does not mean cancer.

As if that weren't bad enough, now they're coming for our SUGAR!  Rest assured, they will not be able to pry the sugar from my cold, dead hands.


  • Once again, Satanists come to the rescue. A Florida man has requested to give a satanic invocation at a County Commission meeting. The commission chairman has stated that this will not happen on his watch. Yes, only Christian invocations will be accepted in that commission. This flouts a Supreme Court ruling that they must make a reasonable effort to accommodate all community members, regardless of faith.  UPDATE: The county has denied the request. A civil rights group is representing the requester.
  • The Supreme Court is wrong on this ruling. Yes, a (less than) humble blogger, with absolutely zero legal or Constitutional experience is stating that the highest legal authority in the land (no, not the president) is incorrect. The First Amendment protects speech and forbids establishment of religion. Establishment is when the State or a State facility pushes or leads a particular religion. This is why we don't have prayer in public schools: public schools are run by the State, therefore cannot establish (push or lead) religion. Private schools can do whatever they want - they are not an arm of the State. A county commission is purely governmental, therefore an opening prayer is clearly establishment. This is why the Court is wrong. Their solution, makiung an effort to accommodate all community members, is merely a band-aid over the issue.
  • I have long stated that prayer in any state-run entity will cease immediately when a satanic prayer is requested. People would rather stop praying than recite a satanic prayer. Rest assured, this situation is not over, like the public schools in the south where they still read the bible in the morning.

Work has been steady in tasks as well as mood lately. In other words, it's been quiet. The other day I went to the rest facilities and heard a booming voice filling the room, like a drunk, uninvited guest, convinced of his own singing prowess. I figured maybe two stalls were communicating; a clear breach of  Bathroom Etiquette<tm>. But there was only one stall door closed - either the dude was talking to the Voices or had a cell phone with him (hopefully the latter). Just in case the person on the other end of the line didn't know where the dude was talking from, I flushed the toilet first, right before he told the other party that he'd have get back to them. Because that's the kind of guy I am.


  • Best headline of the week: "Hillary Clinton showed us a glimpse of her soul at Benghazi hearings. It was chilling." 
  • Ok, maybe there's a better one:  "Suicidal people are locked into coffins in bizarre 'death experience' schools in South Korea where 40 people kill themselves every day." Because distraught, depressed, possibly claustrophobic people are going to learn something by being locked in a coffin. They're going to learn that they don't like being locked in a coffin. If there are no weapons in the coffin, they're going to get out, then kill themselves.

Who says science isn't valuable?  "Monkeys with smaller testicles roar loudest." Remember this when you're passed by an impatient driver in a large, expensive car.

  • Indonesia has enacted a law punishing homosexuality with caning. "I'm just here for the caning."

Local rabble in Papua New Guinea are massing and burning women accused of being witches. Perhaps they can get jobs on Florida County Commissions.

  • It was bad enough when clothing manufacturers introduced 'vanity sizing', where a size 32 waist might be up to a 38 in reality. Go shopping for jeans - I dare you.  Amazon has Levis in slim fit, original fit, regular fit, relaxed fit, straight, relaxed straight, slim straight, loose straight-leg, athletic straight-fit, slim bootcut, regular tapered, original shrink to fit, skinny, comfort fit, slim fit line 8, slim fit hybrid, straight motion stretch and straight welder. This is just the men's jeans!

Ben Carson is a 7th Day Adventist minister, which frightens me. Remember that freedom of religion is freedom from religion. I'm not saying he will do anything odd, but the possibility is there. He mentions God a lot and refers to his tax plan as tithing.


  • Chris Christie (R-Hell) was asked to leave an Amtrak Quiet Car because he was bellowing into a cell phone, oblivious to other passengers.  See - if they let him take the helicopter, this wouldn't be a problem.

REVENGE OF THE CARS:  DOVER, Del.- "Dover police say a suspected drunk driver is facing multiple charges after the car he was driving struck and injured seven people...", "The car hit seven people..", "allowing for the car to continue until hit hit another tree. Investigators said Ligon was found to be under the influence of alcohol..."  Are these two separate incidents? I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that the car did not strike people, did not injure people and did not hit a tree. The drunken scumbag behind the wheel did it. The car, contrary to the reporter's claim, has no free will, therefore cannot make these decisions. The police will tell you that the driver must be in control of his vehicle at all times. How about a drunk driver plowed into a crowd and injured seven people?


  • Further proof that we're all aging rapidly: David Bowie will release a new album on 1/8/2016, his 69th birthday.  Hmmm.. David Bowie.... 69....

Speaking of polecats, a study showed that women only make up seven percent of directors out of 250 films. And heterosexuals only make up ten percent [I made that up] - so what? I didn't realize that there was a gender check at the box office.


  • Flying Spaghetti Monster News: If you want to show your faith with a pirate hat or a colander on your drivers license, the UK will now allow it. I'm still shopping for a colander with the appropriate gravitas for my license. What this actually means is that there will soon be a lawsuit in PA over religious freedom.


Check out Duracell's new Quantum batteries - they last a long time. Warning: they don't power your device when you're not observing them.


  • Millenials are not pursuing cybersecurity careers, especially women.  Yeah, who wants to take a selfie in front of the same servers every day?

People are getting fed up with the gender stereotyping in halloween costumes. Now little girls are donning Iron Man and Spider Man costumes. Accordingly, some of the retail outlets are not using GIRLS and BOYS signs. Presumably, boys are now free to wear princess costumes. Coincidentally, they are also free to return home black and blue, from the beating delivered by their friends (and random strangers).  I think they should go big and wear a Caitlyn Jenner costume - arguably the best of both worlds.

  • Defense Secretary Ash Carter says that the US is to begin 'direct action on the ground' in Syria and Iraq. NO BOOTS ON THE GROUND, OBAMA. Are you pathologically incapable of telling the truth? Oh, and that soldier who died? Turns out his boots were on the ground too, Carter. All of you need to take your dishonor out of DC and go make millions in the private sector.. start now, please.



TECH

This is a great article on a great website - "5 mistakes to avoid when buying your next MicroSD card". Did you know there are a number of different SD cards and all aren't created equal? 



MUSICAL EXPLOITS AND CAUSTIC COMMENTARY


I (believe I) have previously ranted about the drivel coming out of radio speakers, specifically whatever Bruno Mars song features the extremely pithy utterance "Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh....ooh!" after every line. Today some loud alleged food truck decided to entertain everyone within a two block radius with some external speakers. I was treated to an old song I vaguely remember, featuring the almost-as-pithy chorus, "Bad girl, bad girl, you're such a naughty bad girl, BEEP BEEP, TOOT TOOT." It is beyond my musical analytical capabilities to properly dissect these wonders of musical magnificence other than to say the alleged singers should be dissected, which would no doubt produce a more musically-pleasing output.

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How about that Neal Schon? No?  He's the guitar player from Journey.

A song that actually made it to MTV is No More Lies, with Jan Hammer. Neal sings and the song is guitar-based. You'll see Jan Hammer playing a keyboard attached to him with a guitar strap. He's an Austrian dude who is a killer keyboardist and even plays drums (I believe he played them on this song). He is an amazing keyboardist but not entirely a pounder on the drums. His playing is more accents, like one might expect from a keyboardist who wrote the song. Another less accentive keyboardist/drummer is Stevie Wonder (no, really, he played drums on some of his biggest hits).

Neal did two albums with the Jan Hammer (Miami Vice, Mahavishnu Orchestra, solo, Jeff Beck), the first of which is called Untold Passion. This is an aptly-named song and an old favorite. It's a perfect example of dynamics, where it starts out with a sparse theme and builds over time to a blazing lead section and finale. Neal and Jan play their asses off. This is incredibly listening for me - passion and execution.

I'm not going to bother with Journey songs because we all know them. He did some incindiery guitar work there. Neal also joined Santana when he was nineteen. THAT is a pedigree.

A man of many moods, Neal has recorded a number of mostly instrumental songs, including I'll Be Waiting. I'm not crazy about his most recent release, as it seems to consist of lighter rock tunes performed instrumentally. Sure, his playing is lyrical, but I don't need to hear some of those songs (My Heart Goes On?) ever again. Completely irrelevant is the fact that the last time I saw him, he had gotten some sort of plastic surgery. It just seemed weird. I'm ugly and I don't cover the gray (although I lament it) and couldn't afford surgery if I wanted it. Fortunately my wife is so impaired, she thinks I'm good-looking.

Here's a little solo during a Journey tour.




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