Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Smell the Table

My mother is weird. Yes, how can she not be weird, considering her son (I hear insanity goes upstream). She got a table recently that smelled. You certainly can't argue with the statement, no matter how weird it is. While waiting for the furniture store to pick it up, my wife happened to be at the house and Mom explained about the table.

"Smell it," she said.

My wife, not used to sniffing tables, assured her that she believed her.

"SMELL THE TABLE," she insisted.

The wife knows not to poke the tiger with a pointed stick, so she smelled the table. As it turned out, the table smelled largely like a table, whatever that smells like. Rather than argue with a woman carrying a very sharp knife, she agreed. I forgot to mention that this is the third table.

  • I just found out that the Crazy Lady next door refers to our house as the Addams Family house. I shall wear that like a badge of pride. What confuses me is how a 438 year old creature knows the Addams Family. She existed hundreds of years before television. She will exist hundreds of years after television. When our ashes have washed off the guitar stores where they've been spread, she will still be there, cackling and belittling her new neighbors for not being up to her standards.

According to a new working paper by the National Bureau of Economic Research, hot weather leads to diminished 'coital frequency'. For us Thermionic non-academic types, this says that global warming means less boom-boom. We, as Americans (and readers from all countries), need to come together (<--see what I did there?) to counter this very discouraging statistic. So when you get home, boink your significant other and announce proudly that you're doing your part to battle global warming!

  • No more Me and Bobby McGee: A Florida man (of course), named Bobby McGee, has been convicted of stabbing his wife nineteen times. His (somewhat shaky) defense was that he was stabbing her as part of an exorcism, to drive the demons out.

Administrators at Vassar College put the Constitution through a paper shredder. Professors are saying that the Constitution is "oppressive" and "causes people pain."  I never went to college (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) but this really twists my head around, like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, shooting pea soup in a 360 degree arc.

  • If you're heading off to Galacia, Spain, for the Clitoris Festival, you're going to be horribly disappointed and terribly embarrassed. Google Translate didn't. It somehow translated rapini (a leafy green veggie) with the clitoris (a large chocolate marshmallow candy). I can personally guarantee you that there will be plenty of both there, but you'll have significant difficulty finding one of them (moreso).

He did it his way: We sadly note that, in an interview with Robin Williams' widow, Robin had Parkinson's and a form of dementia that would have killed him within three years. He was deteriorating in front of their eyes.

  • Turkey's first underwater museum opened the other day.  In other news, one hundred people drown in opening of Turkey's first underwater museum.

After an audit, it turns out that a Kenyan ministry bought sex toys and expensed them. This is the difference between a third world country and a first world country: in Kenya, they expense sex toys. In the US, we expense Columbian hookers.

  • Southbridge Middle/High School went into lockdown because a student was waving a stapler and other students thought it was a gun. The way things are going, you'll be able to rob a bank with your fingers making the gun sign.  STAND BACK - HE HAS A STAPLER!

Two weeks ago, the head of the CIA had his AOL email account hacked. Yesterday FBI Deputy Director Mark Jiuliano and his wife had their AOL account hacked, presumably by the same hacking group. Yesterday, over 3,500 government employees' names, email addresses and law-enforcement contacts were leaked online.  WHY DO THESE HIGH-RANKING FRAUDS HAVE AOL ACCOUNTS, some with sensitive information? These are the ogranizations that are 'keeping us safe'. War on Terror! Homeland Security! Fusion Centers! Foreign Terrorists! Homegrown Terrorists! It's for the children!  Safety begins at home, guys.


Phil Collins is set to return to music. Music lovers the world over move to block this rebirth, saying 'There is far too much suffering in the world as it is'.

I can't remember how I found Jellyfish, but it was a fortunate discovery.  The best way I can describe them is a combination of the Beatles and Badfinger or Queen, 10cc and Rembrandts. For whatever reason, they never made it - possibly due to talent.

The King is Half Undressed is a good, memorable tune. It's also a video with very strange, old outfits.
Check out all the goodies on their album Bellybutton. Also enjoy New Mistake from Spilt Milk. This is a serious hit that never hit, complete with George Harrison-ish harmonized slide guitar solo.

He will make a perfect entitled American citizen (but won't apply)

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