Faceyspaces Strikes Again

Sorry we're running late. As you might have read, we're experiencing more technical difficulties than we can shoot at with our available weaponry.



A Taiwanese hacker says he's going to delete Mark Zuckerberg's profile and stream it live. I'd watch it. Unfortunately it's being streamed on Faceyspaces itself.

Speaking of stupid, Faceyspaces engineers discovered a flaw on September 16th, which would have allowed hackers to take over fifty million accounts.

"This is a very serious security issue, and we're taking it very seriously, because we got caught" said CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Zuck (pronounced 'fuck') pointed out how sorry he is that he got caught, and promised swift action, because he'll get caught if he doesn't. The security team is being augmented, to avoid getting caught in the future.

Zuckerberg is up for a Nobel Peace Prize, but doubts he can reach the Peace Heights of Barack Obama, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for waging war across the globe.

UPDATE: Faceyspaces leaps to inaction and says that if people want to opt out, they should turn off 2 factor authentication. They should turn off an important safety feature. You can't make this stuff up.

• Perhaps I should've gone to college after all.  A professor, giving an intro to psychology course, accidentally ran porn instead of his video. The audience is described at being aghast. What group of 18 to 20 somethings is aghast at porn? Apparently students at the University of Toronto.
• One student had video of the accident and posted it online, where it was shared many times. Hmmmm.....
• The university said it was offering support to anyone who was disturbed. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Support! Break our the safe rooms, with soft pillows and puppies. And vagina hats.
• 10 students were home on Disability, 3 students were in Intensive Care, 5 were admitted to the Happy Place, and the course is booked solid for the next ten years.
• Education Pro Tip: stay away from the University of Toronto.

Gas prices in southern California are on the way to $4 gal.

Actual gas prices were $2 gal but the governor added a $2 gal tax for cleaning up some shit in San Francisco.

• An Italian man who slept with over 6,000 women just died. Italy mourns his loss.
• Mario Zanfanti died while having sex with a tourist one third his age. He died the way he lived.
• If you gotta go.....

War on Ants
The war continues. This particular battle happened in the kitchen. The clean kitchen, with no food laying out. Mrs lefty says, "If you see one ant, he has lots of friends you can't see." She put on her Sherlock Holmes hat, with the bill in the front and the bill on the back. This way the ants can't tell if she's coming or going. We got out our Secret Weapon<tm>, called Tero, or something like that. It's like really yummy cyanide they swarm on, eat, and carry back to their condos, apartments, and the Secret Ant Compound, where they go through a process called Eat and Die.  It's very technical. Part of it involves opening an odd plastic container, with "no spill packaging", which naturally wound up all over my shirt.

The process involves a bit of reality suppression, as they show up in numbers, even if you tape the bait on the ceiling. I don't want to discuss this any further.

Across the street, it looks like our neighbor has had it with the ants too. How do we know? There's a tank on his lawn, pointed at said house. Turns out it's a backup plan, as he's got some sort of Industrial Ant Stuff. This is a different method than Eat and Die.. the ants go for the bait and POOF - it puts tiny little dresses on them. The males are typically the raiders, so this embarrasses the hell out of them and they flee, fearing talk of their fetish, and sexual assault from the ants that like being in a fashionable frock. There are hundreds of books on the topic of Ant Dressing, which you can read in any ant library. Our neighbor said he'd let us know how it worked out. If so, we were free to use it. He didn't specify which... I'm hoping for the tank.

• Telegram desktop is a 'secure' messaging program. Unfortunately, it turns out to leak your private and public IP addresses. A leak in android is also possible. The vulnerability has been fixed.
• I've been suggesting Signal for encrypted messaging and phone calls for android and non-android phones. You can also put it on your desktop and sync it with your phone, so you can operate it from the desktop too. Do yourself a favor and install Signal. With FB, Zuck, Google, and the NSA listening to everything you do, why not use something that's incredibly difficult to crack?

Andy Warhol said something about everyone eventually getting their fifteen minutes of fame. The man could obviously see into the future. The latest reality show follows a number of spoiled rich kids sent to live as poor people. In case you think my characterization of spoiled rich kids is incorrect or personal, the commercial had one particular brat counting out $32,000 in pocketbooks (on one shelf among many). Oh, the horror.

Next up: rich people filling out the wrong tax forms and Daddy having to use his team of tax accountants work to solve this. The next show deals with the embarrassment and sheer horror of using the wrong fork. The show spends most of its time at the therapist's office, trying to work through a near fatal case of Social PTSD. As you read this, a new show is being pitched, where poor kids move in with rich families and hack into the family's finances, making them the poor family. In abject terror, rich people are phoning their buddies at the networks to have the show mothballed before it's accepted.

• So that global mass surveillance system to fight terror.... it's being used to spy on innocent UK citizens. Yes, ThermionicEmissions is correct again. We can't see into the future - if your government(s) puts in a spying system to fight 'terror', it will be used against you. As disturbing as this is in other countries, the US 4th Amendment guarantees against search and seizure. It has been violated. It is violated again and again.
• So let's get back to arguing republicans vs democrats, shall we? They both authorized this kind of thing.

From 2020 on, more than five million new Volkswagens will be fully connect to The Cloud. What could possibly go wrong? Lady - your Tiguan is trying to hack my router!

• God I love Windows. Forced to use it for work, I suffer from its aggravation. This morning it thought my second display was the primary display. It had gotten an 'update', of which I was unaware. Then it took my neatly arranged icons from the left side and moved them all to the right side, plus put them out of order. And this is just booting up. I'm waiting for it to decide the mouse is on the other side of the keyboard and to turn the display sideways. It locked me out last week, which I decided was a blessing. Oddly enough, this stuff doesn't happen at home on linux.
• No, at home on linux, I have a problem so weird that no one has even heard of it, much less knows how to go about solving it. And for once, I didn't do anything to cause it. I hope.

If the aliens have any doubt what we're up to, they don't even have to come to the planet... they just have to watch what happens to the moon when we get there. Nuclear physicist Stanton Friedman, godfather of UFO research, has the best description of mankind:

Apollo 13 did an experiment to figure out the moon's crust. It involved explosives. Within the past few years, we somehow found it necessary to actually bomb the moon, allegedly to look for water. I happen to know that in 2020, we're going to bomb the moon to reaffirm the presence of moon dust. The astronauts were clearly filmed in moon dust, but we need to make sure it's still there. There is a proposal for 2025, which involves shooting the moon with a very large nuclear weapon, to see what happens when the moon splits in half. [HINT: women's periods will last 56 days]

• There is absolutely no reason I should like Procol Harum, except that Robin Trower was in the group for a bit. Yet completely without guitar pyrotechnics, I really enjoy them. Check them out... A Salty Dog is one of my favorites, from 1969, featuring a very young Robin Trower.  You'll definitely recognize this one. Lastly, Conquistador is a hit from waaaaaay back.

I was thinking of new interesting things to add to the blog.

One recurring feature idea was Words the Spellchecker Didn't Understand. The generously provided spellchecker by Google (they don't charge for it or for the space to blog) apparently didn't cost them anything, as it's European (flavour, colour, pyjamas), and doesn't understand words (internet, tv, Zuckerburg). It will not learn from my corrections, so I get to see them each time I spellcheck. 

So I won't be adding this feature, as it will take twice the time it takes me to make all this shit up in the first place.

Race to the Bottom. We Lost.

There was some nightmare show on tv about the poor fella who has four wives. Depending on how you feel about this, he has three or four wives too many. Regardless, it's his funeral.

Not to be outdone, I just saw an ad for My Five Wives.
What form of serial insanity is this?

A cynic would note that one of these women is not even better looking than the next. Perhaps he waits til one drives him nuts, then goes to the next one.  These shows will stop when they head to the middle east, where some have lots and lots of wives. The logical conclusion is another series of tv shows, where men get counseling after they come to their senses. I Had Fifteen Wives.

Dr. Phil: What were you thinking?
Guest: I wasn't.

• Well, that's nice. Apple has a new feature in its latest iOS release: it locks the USB port after an hour to foil thieves, including the government and a few third party manufacturers. You can still charge.
• Oops... researchers reveal bypass for aforementioned USB restricted mode.
• GrandCrab ransomware has been updated to affect Windows XP machines via the EternalBlue exploit, developed by the NSA. Here are the takeaways: GrandCrab is updated and maintained better than Windows. Your tax dollars enabled NSA malware. If you're still running Win XP, you're an idiot and should just hook the computer directly to the internet, without firewall or router, and get it over with now. Lastly, you can tell everyone your computer has crabs.

• There’s a growing sense that companies need to take a closer look at security when considering a merger or acquisition.  Gee - my dog really is smarter than most people.

•  Hackers got to Macys.com and Bloomingdales.com, 

The breach took place from April 26 through June 12, compromising data such as full names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, birthdays, and payment card numbers with expiration dates

•  The incident was detected by Macy's cyber threat alert tools on June 11. Wow, that's some advanced software. Sixty days to detection. They must've paid a lot of money for that kind of timeliness and accuracy.
• I've poo-pooed fitness tracking apps for phones ever since I knew of their existence. You can't remember or just figured I was insane and nothing could ever happen. I said that the data goes to a phone app, which feeds it somewhere past your phone. Sure enough, 

• Permissive search capabilities in Polar Flow, an online tracking app by Finnish fitness wearables company Polar, has enabled researchers to pinpoint highly sensitive military and intelligence operatives and quickly find out where they live. Furthermore, until Polar shut the app down it was possible to download gigabytes of this information automatically.

• Being right all the time is exhausting, but I carry on for your benefit. 

Apparently there was a couple on an airplane that sat behind another pair of strangers who started flirting. They observed and detailed each move on social media, making the new couple stars. Fortunately I missed this story, but it illustrates your extreme lack of privacy the moment you wander out of your house, into contact with the Great Unwashed. There's an awful lot of information missed by the yokel voyeurs who are fascinated with the story. 

• you have no privacy in public or anywhere there's an idiot with a cell phone and social media account.

You are not taking into consideration that if a cell phone, manned by a random annoying person, starts recording, this is the least of your problems. The NSA and others have been doing this for years.

• if you're a citizen of the UK, there are tens of thousands of cameras, watching everything anyone does. There are also Automatic Number Plate Recognition units in police cars, that scan your license plate and run it past several databases. If there's a match, it makes a noise so the police can stop you. Philadelphia uses this technology, moreso to check for unpaid parking fines, as you saw on the hit show Parking Wars.
• You're screwed. Remember this when you're outside, especially if you're doing something interesting, like having a fit. Rest assured, someone's recording it; an idiot or an official.

• Britain will fine Faceyspaces for the recent data breach. Legally, the fine can be anywhere from $37.50 (423 grams UK) to a few million.  Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg snorted, "I make one thousand times that while I pee in the morning."
• Meanwhile, Congress questioned Apple and Google over user tracking. The heads of all online companies stood together and swore, under oath, that cigarettes do not cause cancer.

An online gambling site advises you to gamble responsibly. For years, liquor companies advise you to drink responsibly. This is caused by lawyers. Most things are caused by lawyers.

How does one gamble responsibly? Only lose half the rent?
How does one drink responsibly? Drive home really quickly?

Certain credit cards have 1269% interest. Borrow responsibly.
People put everything on Faceyspaces.  Be stupid responsibly.
Everybody loves porn. Masturbate responsibly.
Taking opiate pain relievers? Overdose responsibly.
Robbing banks? Shoot responsibly.





Gee, lefty... no one is talking about JFK anymore.....

• This does not get discussed routinely but I read that JFK was talking about joining forces with Russia in the space program. Some say that releasing files on UFOs led to his demise. He wanted to end the war in Vietnam.
• The assassination was ordered and planned from a very high level. How do I know? The Secret Service was ordered to use fewer agents that morning and the route was changed at the last minute. Who can make a call like that? There were other indications that the security preparations were not complete, for instance: the windows of buildings above the first floor were not sealed shut. Think about this.
• Lyndon Baines Johnson was jubilant when he exclaimed that he was finally going to get the Kennedys, the night before the assassination.
• Now ask yourself which of JFK's actions would piss off which group: UFO secret keepers or the Military Industrial Complex. The answer may well reveal who ordered the hit.
• There is an absolutely exhaustive amount of research on the killing at Black Op Radio (link to the right). Also RFK information.
• The most compelling bits of information, in my opinion, come from Colonel Fletcher Prouty (RIP), who was sent to the other side of the planet, probably to keep him far away from the assassination. He knew what went into operations like this. He knew who one of the tramps on the bridge was. He described how the information was furnished to the press and designed to frame Oswald very quickly. This can be looked up or heard at Black Op Radio. Prouty was part of Mister X in the JFK movie.

But what about RFK?

• 'Who' is a little more difficult. 'How' is easier.
• Sirhan 'Sirhan' Sirhan says he remembers nothing about the shooting. There were more shots fired than held by Sirhan's pistol, and from different angles, like the rear. Say what you want about Sirhan; being in two places at once is a serious violation of the laws of physics as we know them.
• A still unidentified woman in a polka dotted dress was the last thing Sirhan remembers. She was seen after the assassination coming out the back stairs of the hotel, excited, and said that they got him to a young lady.
• MKULTRA was a CIA brainwashing program that began after WWII, when we imported nazis (Project Paperclip) like Werner von Braun and the crazy 'doctors' who operated on people. They wanted to create the ultimate soldier, who could pull off a killing but truly not remember it, via hypnotism or creation of alternate personalities, to be triggered when the need arose. This took place in Montreal and the US. The trigger or handler had on a polka dotted dress.
• A psychiatrist was examining Sirhan under hypnosis. He triggered something and Sirhan began to write, "RFK must die. RFK must die," over and over again. RFK Must Die is the title of the psychiatrist's book.
• Everything I typed above is verified truth. Make up your own mind about conclusions.

I'm not of an age that I know what happened after the assassination. There was a tv movie about it that truly spoke to me... to quote Don Henley, it was The End of the Innocence. People finally figured out that there was something up behind the scenes and that America wasn't quite as shiny or ideal as they thought. But at least we have the Kardashians.

How's Marshall, you ask?

He spent yesterday between vets, both of whom said he was doing well. The wound is healing quickly. The acupuncture doc said he's much better than last time - clearer eyes and more energy. Someone stopped my wife and said they weren't cocker people but he's absolutely gorgeous. Well, he is. I certainly can't take credit for it.. all I did was see his picture for adoption from the rescue.

Speaking of which, I walked into the kitchen the other day, to find two containers of Chinese food on the floor. Chinese food completely fails to excite me, so I think it's probably better on the floor, except for the Summer Ant Invasion. So this isn't really too much more weird than anything else, but I figured I'd ask the wife, as Marshall can't open the fridge (yet). Yes, the food was for the benefit of Marshall, who's not eating as well as normal. Marshall, taking after his father, is not fond of Chinese food either. I suggested that maybe he wants dessert instead. Or maybe she forgot the soy sauce, which can help the food taste like something.

I like the dessert idea. Yesterday there appeared two large plastic glasses of Dunkin Donuts' frozen hot chocolate. If you've never tried this, run down and get one. It's like.. well... frozen hot chocolate. Marshall is extremely fond of this, especially the mountain of whipped cream on top. He goes face down into it, trying to fit his entire snout into the small hole in the top and licking up the whipped cream. He also likes the frozen hot chocolate. DO NOT GIVE DOGS CHOCOLATE. This isn't really chocolate. So he's back to his perennial favorite: cat food. Vet says feed him whatever he'll eat. Smart people (or most people) realize that he's simply not eating things because he knows something better is coming next.

The vets recommended this probiotic stuff to help his digestion. Personally I'm antibiotic.

Space Command rolls on.

A few issues back, I came out as getting a new job at President Trump's Space Command. One of our slogans, internal only, is You won't even know you're missing a few trillion. All of the ships have Trumps visage emblazoned on them. No one dares guess whether this will earn us a welcome or frighten off potential alien life forms.

Space Command is the front line of Planet Protection, located under ICE and the Department of Homeplanet Security. It turns out that we've had an Earth Defense Force for many years, but nobody knew about it (except government accountants, who live in little burrows underground and cannot come into the daylight, much like their work). So Space Command is somewhat of a public relations stunt (like NASA), putting a face on a department that 'doesn't exist'. As soon as I found this out, I questioned the sanity of whoever hired me... most of you have never met me, but let's just say I should not be the face of anything public. Hell, there are no pictures of me after third grade for a reason.

Our first major task was launching the Trump Space Banner. It's about fifty thousand feet long, in dayglow colors, and says "Welcome to my Planet - it's the best planet", with the president's face, smiling for all lifeforms to see. Some say it bids welcome. Others say it will stop any sort of invasion or visit. People with very high security clearances (that technically don't exist), say it has frightened the existing aliens off the planet.

Another factlet is there are a number of planetary defense satellites in orbit, strictly for the purpose of defending Earth from evil super villain Darth Cheney.

More in the next episode of Space Command.

Will the Last Person Please Turn Out The Lights

I've bemoaned the terrestrial radio situation before, but today it got worse.
We have one rock station, and one classic rock station, which plays the same songs by the same artists, over and over and over and over.... Then there's NPR, but I don't need to hear why Trump is wrong about everything or four hours on plants, until most of the listeners commit suicide.

So we're in the car, which is the only time we listen to the radio, as the cd player broke. We put on the rock station and hear..... hockey.

There used to be another rock station that was a hair more listenable. Naturally that couldn't be left alone, so one day they went sports talk. A talk station on FM. Why? Do we need color commentary to come to us with full fidelity? Can't we just listen to our teams lose on AM?

After much searching, I managed to locate the email address of the rock station's program director and sent him an email to share my feelings. Because the world seems to operate on feelings these days. Before you shudder at my feelings, sharing them, or what else I might say to the person, I want you to know I kept it very level. At no point did I threaten his family's well-being or even his genitalia. I made no comments about his predilection for crossdressing or cruising certain neighborhoods after dark. I didn't even complain that the morning team seems to be more of a Morning Mob, with much input from people who sound like they were picked up off the streets in South Philadelphia and told to put in their two cents whenever they felt like it. I simply stated that we have many choices for sports, but they're the only rock station, and how about playing some rock?  Not unreasonable.

I feel much better having done that. Maybe tomorrow I'll send an email to the classic rock station, suggesting they play something different from the 12 artists they play. I know it's what I'd like to hear.

I have got to invest in a new car radio. With AUX IN. It doesn't even have to have AM or FM. Just Bluetooth or a USB stick with music.


Will the last person listening to terrestrial radio please turn out the lights when you're done?


P.S. I received a response from the program director, explaining that they were contractually bound to carry the hockey game, due to some other station carrying football. Or basketball. Or water polo... probably water polo.

Guitar-Related: read at your own peril

Because I like to be told "no", it was time for another trip to Guitar Center. I like to go every now and then to see what's new and if there's anything I desperately need at that moment. They used to have new stuff. Now they have... blah. In large quantities. The place has shrunken down, both in space and inventory. In terms of lefties, it was a good trip: one used Strat, one cheap Strat, and one midline Tele. It used to be better, but stopped. The chain in is financial trouble, much like Gibson guitars. They were bought by Bain Capital, Mitt "Sue" Romney's firm, which squeezes out all profits, then discards.

The new Fenders, as widely publicized after the music show in January (NAMM) were nowhere to be found. Funny, they appear for sale all over the internet. So I asked, only to be told that NAMM is a giant tease, and no one will see the actual guitars til May. This bears checking out.

There was one guitar that caught my eye. It was backwards, but still.. I could probably order it. In fact, it caught everyone's eye because they could not help but see it. Then it burned out their retinas. It was rather unbelievably yellow, in a way that could provide light for a hemisphere of the planet at very least. It might've had a tinge of green, just to make it more.... violently ugly. It was a Charvel and they introduced some wild, LOUD colors recently. Unfortunately Charvel is a metal guitar, therefore I wouldn't like it if it were lefty. Bloody necks that are wide and flat. But it was so wonderfully blinding that I could almost see myself playing it, next to my other incredibly ugly Strat. You know - if I ever played out anywhere.

There were two employees visible, both of whom were very nice and customer-service oriented. The store was dead, but I guess Easter Sunday/April Fools Day is not known as the best time to shop for guitars. I kinda liked it. I went in with money, ready to spend, and failed. I do this a lot, which says something about me.


Will the last person shopping at Guitar Center please turn out the lights?

Makeup

We took a trip to the makeup store too. My wife does not get off on being told no, and it works out spectacularly for her. Or, as we say around Christmas, What do you get the girl who wants everything?

I'm a relatively decent husband, in that I take an interest in things she likes. I don't mind shoe shopping or makeup shopping. Except today. When guys go shopping, they stroll in purposefully, eventually get the thing they want, even if it means looking at a list with one thing on it, and get their ass out of the store. Women are different (no, really?). Every aisle. Everything on every shelf required either a comment (got that, got that, don't have that, got that, don't want that) or physically handling the item. Sometimes this came with an explanation. Normally I can do this with no difficulty. Today was different. I was sweating. My good humor and geniality started to fade quickly (yeah, geniality.... very funny).

These stores are incredible. It's a license to print money. Guys, if you've never followed your lady into a makeup store, you owe yourself a look. Take one of those muscle relaxers first, or a stiff drink (or both) and follow her in. There are all sorts of things in this store, each costing a lot of money. And women and girls flock to these places to be beautiful.

There is makeup in all colors. Want blue sparkly lips? Gotcha covered. Purple eyes? Check. Foundation? Name the shade. Concealer? It will make you invisible. Spackle and trowels? Aisle 3. Want to know why she is short on cash?  Because her lipstick is $19.99, and most everything else starts at $8 and rockets upwards. I was going to surprise her with some perfume, which was only $70, but a better bargain at $99 for a slightly larger size. I buy guitar stuff that doesn't cost me this much.

The focus at this point seems to be eyebrows. Don't ask me, I have no idea and no way to comprehend any of it. Maybe if we find a woman, we can ask. I've been noticing eyebrows lately, because you can't possibly miss them on social media, with the interminable selfies. Just as I was thankful that they stopped doing stupid things with their lips and stopped looking like they slipped across their eyelids and onto the side of their face with mascara, we are now faced with eyebrows. My limited understanding is that ladies used to pluck their eyebrows. Now they can be permanently installed, done professionally, tweezed, hot waxed, drawn under, drawn instead of, and threaded. I understand this process uses thread but have no desire to watch or even have it explained to me.

My eyebrows are strategically located in the traditional spot (right above my left buttock). They largely sit there, occasionally falling out or growing. That's pretty much it. They require no real maintenance, color, marker, or threading (I don't think). No matter.. consult a woman and she'll tell you that you probably could use some cosmetic sharpening of the old above-eye growth. Thanks but no thanks - I've got to wash my hair that night.

Why do women do this?
To make themselves beautiful. After all, if you buy this lipstick, it will give you larger breasts. And if you use that blush, you'll look just like that adorable model on the cover. That eye shadow will make you look like Cindy Crawford, while that perfume will turn you into Julia Roberts, complete with that smile and her perfect-size bum.

How do they know this?
How should I know. It's probably genetic. They walk into a makeup store, find just the right concealer, foundation, and bath salts (not the ones that make you eat the face off people) and go home, safe in the knowledge that they can operate the makeup like they were born with it. If you put the purple stuff on your face, it makes the craters less visible. The green stuff hides pimples and redness. The pink stuff is good for bruises, after you 'fell down the steps' again. The brown stuff... well.... it makes your skin browner. We even saw something that, according to the model, gives you a gap between your front teeth. Some of that stuff gives you big blonde hair! My wife is hip to this scam. She learned a long time ago that you will not look like the model, nor will the stuff work anywhere near as advertised. Smart woman. Only took 13 years to figure this out. You laugh - many women still haven't figured it out.

I spied another poor guy, across the aisle, pretending to be interested in what his lady was showing him. Smart fella. It got me to wonderin'... with all this space, maybe they should either put in a men's section with products, or put in some benches and a tv. Internet access. Cinnabons, my god. Expensive coffee drinks! This is another money-making opportunity for these folks, even if the markup is better on makeup than $7.50 coffee with whipped cream, a few squirts of this and that, a half pump of watermelon, and some soy whipped cream because Muffy is lactose intolerant and we don't want to be following her down the aisles, if you know what I mean.... I need to suggest this to the chain, because I'm incapable of keeping my bright(?) ideas to myself.

The owners of this place have to be wiping their bottoms with hundred dollar bills. With the exception of the Metro group, guys don't do this stuff. But women flock to these places, handing over lots of their hard-earned cash for essence of this and foundation of that.

At the cashier, we stood in line because there was only a cashier. There were others, but they were doing homework for their Looking Busy class. Good job, I tell you. Cashier, a customer too, asked if we found everything ok. STOP. Hold the really bad overhead music. Keep the commentary down. What does that MEAN? We definitely found the things we brought to the counter ok. After having combed the entire store, aisle by aisle, there is very little we didn't find. Did she mean finding the experience ok? No, it was too hot and nary a product for a straight male, except maybe some $29 shampoo.

Better yet, just experience it vicariously through me. I'm here for you.

But That's Not All...

No sir. There's another place one must see a few times in one's lifetime. I won't mention the name, but it rhymes with Head, Laugh, and Be Gone.  I'm not sure our parents imagined a world that included a store carrying beds, coffee, coffee machines, coffee containers, coffee grinders, linens that resist coffee, pillows, towels, kitchen gadgets and makeup. Yes, more makeup.

I don't think it was unreasonable of me, upon her insistence at looking at even more makeup, that I politely told her I forgot something in the car, perhaps a life, and I'd be waiting for her there.

But seriously, folks... all of their stores take up mega-space. They all have room for that weird size brush with the curved handle that allows you to clean the bottom of those 18" tall spaghetti containers. Not the lasagna containers- that's a different tool entirely. And they have this tool in a few colors, plus left-handed for me. If you can afford the retail space for these items, you're doing well.

I have never seen so much coffee in my life, in the form of Keurig pods. They're everywhere, including the bedsheet section.  Let me give you a hint, if you're serious about your coffee: don't buy this crap. Stick with what you know. Especially the stuff with the big V on it. We wasted money on a large box of french roast V coffee and had to throw it out. I like strong, manly coffee, with seven tablespoons of sugar and a half pint of fancy creamer, in a girly way. None of this stuff measures up to Peet's. If you don't mind nicely flavored hot water type beverage, by all means, pick up some pods. There's an infinite variety. Donut Shop (actually reminds you of Dunkin, watered down), Cinnabon (absolutely not - real thing only), Italian roast (tries to sleep with your wife), and Green Mountain. Even people who drink from the toilet should avoid Green Mountain. They're owned by Keurig or vice-versa, and produce coffee-colored, mildly flavored water.

One of my most amusing finds was a creme brulee(?) set, with some bowls and what looked like a mini flamethrower. The first thing I thought, after realizing that I needed a mini flamethrower to go with the large one, is that they couldn't sell this in England. You're not allowed to carry a knife over 3" or generic cutting tools or a hammer, because they're used for breaking in. One guy was barely allowed to keep his carpet knife, because he used it at work to cut carpet. Can you imagine the look on the face of the cop who sees the mini flamethrower? They might have to ring the fire brigade, bomb squad, armed response unit, and an ambulance for the first cop, who had an aneurysm after he saw it.

The store must have a generous Screwing Off policy, as we watched one employee, clearly not on her break, sit on a stool and check her cell phone. Probably forgot to post an important selfie.

The As Seen on TV crowd will have an orgasm over this stock. Pillows, flat hoses, hose extenders, vibrating things, and some sort of flower sponge that sings. I walked away quickly.

I'm secure enough in my manhood to hold my wife's pocketbook, but frequently don't have the shoulder strength. The only thing worse is being stranded by the entrance while she goes to the ladies'. A caring employee finally came up and asked if she could help me find anything. I teared up and told her my wife walked away and I couldn't find her, so this is where we agreed to meet if one of us got lost. There's a reason I don't go out much.

I found a saying recently.... "Every time I go out, I remember why I don't like to go out."

• Students at the University of Colorado earn up to 3 points for attending the annual White Privilege Conference.
• Where do I get me some of this white privilege?
• How many points do I receive for attending the Jewish and Black Privilege Conferences? Will they be combined again this year? What do you get when you combine.... sorry... I said I wouldn't do that again.

Hey, if you're ever in Ukraine (economic problems forced them to change from The Ukraine), I've got the accommodations for you! It's a brand new S&M hotel.  You can get the Dungeon Room, complete with dominatrix (150 pounds/hour). You can even rent by the hour (3 hrs min). There's only one hotel rule: don't appear drunk. You can get out the belt and beat your partner til they're bleeding. Strangle them for pleasure during sex.  Spank them til they can't sit down for the second quarter of 2018. Make them wear WWI gas masks. Just don't appear drunk.

• Back in 2011, a photographer got a picture of Mark Zuckerberg picking up dog poop. Security 'escorted' him to Faceyspaces HQ.
• I think it's great that he cleans up after his dog.
• However, he's a slimy hypocrite who believes it's ok to mine everyone else's data but not his.
• Sorry, bud... if you're on the sidewalk, it's no longer private property.
• There's something wrong when you have your own security force that's not beholden to local laws.

For all of you End of Days folks, a rabbi said he sees Trump rebuilding the temple. I know that has some sort of significance - maybe the messiah? Or something from Life of Brian. He's not the messiah: he's a very naughty boy.

• Comment while watching British tv: hey, she's not ugly!
• Line from British tv show: She's not a foreigner, she's Welsh.

Due to the brewing trade war with China, they said America would learn a "painful lesson" by tangling with them. They have threatened to close all of their restaurants.

• London's death toll has bested New York. That is an accomplishment. The deaths are attributed to knife violence. The first hullabaloo was a demand for the mayor to speak. When he did eventually speak, he said, "Let me clear - there is no reason to carry a knife ... they will be caught and will feel the full force of the law.  Apparently not, Mr. Mayor.
• I think you guys need to sit down and have a common sense talk about knife control. This is when parody writes itself.

A couple of weeks ago, a Tesla driver crashed and died in California. Another one almost met the same fate while on autopilot, at the same location. The theory is that the line paint had faded and the camera could not make it out. However, there were no warnings about crashing into the divider.  Tesla advises its customers to keep their hands on the wheels, and to pay attention. This seems to negate the point of autopilot.

Regardless, this highlights my apprehension over self-driving vehicles. I don't like the way they seemed to appear so quickly. I'm not against them, but I don't think they're ready for prime time. I take a lot of heat for this.

Backwards World

There are over 1,500 people headed through Mexico to the US, aided by Mexico. They have released DEMANDS of President Trump.

“We demand of the Mexico and the United States: that they respect our rights as refugees and our right to dignified work to be able to support our families,” the statements reads.

The second demand is “that they open the borders to us because we are as much citizens as the people of the countries where we are and/or travel.” 

They're not even in America and they're already more entitled than college students.


Speaking of college students, George Washington University is holding a diversity workshop that teaches that Christians, especially white ones, "receive unmerited perks from institutions and systems all across our country."

Christian Privilege. Betcha didn't see that coming.

In case you fear where this is going, I'll add more workshops offered: “heteroesexual privilege,” “cisgender privilege,” “abled-bodied privilege,” “socio-economic privilege,” “unconscious bias,” and more. Don't forget right-handed privilege. white privilege, and male privilege.

Homework: count the number of your privileges.

The Derbyshire Constabulary mens choir is rather upset (British understatement) because they were told they have to admit women. Or at least anyone identifying as a woman.

More than one million illegal aliens have received driver's licenses in California, according to their Department of Motor Vehicles.  Send them to Syria and have them demand licenses.

Parents Being Parents

• Gimme that old time religion: An Arizona mother got her child up for church on Easter Sunday by tazing him. She was promptly arrested for some reason. I think she should be commended for parenting skills.
• Her two children are on probation and the sixteen year old tazee has an ankle bracelet. All she was doing was enforcing discipline. Let's face it - they'll never do that again. Nor will she.

• An Ingram, PA, couple ran a brothel out of their house, where three young children were living. Child endangerment charges have been filed.
• Another responsible parent, teaching her children the value of a second career option. Survival. Business skills. 
• The 18 month old might be a little young, but is it ever really too early to start?

Remember the Defense Department giving out armed forces equipment and vehicles to police departments? Some Wisconsin police are returning mine-resistant vehicles and replacing them with smaller, armored emergency vehicles, due to citizen complaints. Having no bearing on the decision is the fact that they're large, heavy, and difficult to maintain.

What's wrong with mine-resistant vehicles for combat against your own people? How much will the new vehicles cost and who's paying for them?
You know that the rest of the cities and states will follow suit.  Just kidding.

Florida, We Missed You

• It's been a day or two since we heard from Florida, but they've taken a chunk out of the news cycle: a Volusia teen has been accused of biting the head off a live chicken. It's going to be about five minutes until someone's lawyer blames Ozzy Osbourne. Aren't you supposed to wait til they're cooked first?

• So it's Easter, and in Altamonte Springs, some folks are having a nice Easter dinner. Shivon Perez asked a guest, her ex-boyfriend, to fix a pipe. While he was fixing said pipe, she sprayed him with gasoline and set him on fire.
• If he doesn't do the dishes, your next step should probably not be setting him alight. Hit him with a pan, maybe.

Marshall

How is Marshall coming along?
He had his first doggie acupuncture appointment the other day.
Yes, there is a doggie acupuncturist. Or at least that's what she said she was.
She had a degree on the wall from School of Modern Doggie Acupuncture and a white coat with her name on it, so we felt it was safe to go ahead.

The staff fawned over him for a while. We initially put this down to the amount they were charging us wherever we went. It seems to be pretty genuine, and he seems to lap it right up. He's not tremendously social, like his parents, but he does well. He sat there for his treatment, not moving around and not anxious (dogs pant and move their tongues in and out when anxious). The doc was most impressed with his appearance and health for his age and his condition.

These folks are using Eastern medicine. Know what that is? It's what people used before Big Pharma. Natural remedies. Stuff we should all be using. We were advised to modify his diet. I didn't get all the details but one phrase stuck in my mind: "there's a big difference between farm raised and fresh caught salmon." And give him some mushrooms (I thought they were almost inert fungus). So the dog will eat much better than we will, even when we buy expensive food. They said they'll stop the cancer at very least, and they've had success at driving it back some. I believe them. People have had all sorts of ailments cured via acupuncture. So why not my little monster?

The Russians - It Was the Russians!

It was the Russians, who visited this blog in great numbers. They hacked nothing, did not interfere with any ThermionicEmissions business or elections, and furthermore, did not provide ice cream or ice cream-like substances.

• This is an iAnniversary for the iPhone. Over one billion have been sold, at around $600 per. Barnum was right.

Everybody's favorite "whatever she is", Miley Cyrus, has proclaimed she has no age or gender. I suspect she has no input from certain important parts of her brain that really should be working but have been beaten into submission by alcohol, drugs, or torture. If she makes it to middle age, she's going to be embarrassed.

Having said that, I want to let you know that I have no body. This makes all that extra weight irrelevant and thusly halts the weaning off ice cream and vanilla buttercream frosting. Further, today I identify as a 2N2222 transistor.

Satire aside, I hope she manages to escape and somehow do so with a shred of sanity.

• WARNING: the furries have descended upon Pittsburgh, PA. Run for your lives.

If your computer reboots and you get a ransomware screen, turn the power off immediately, then you can get most of the data off your hard drive. If you don't know how to do this, ask a kid. Of course we don't have to worry about this because we make frequent backups, right?

• Our long national nightmare is over: Marshall got his new pool the other day. The original pool developed many small holes for no apparent reason. Maybe their cheap plastic develops holes via contact with grass - I have no idea.
• Marshall greeted the pool with a serious sniff-over, followed by the ceremonial filling of water, which he proceeded to drink from the hose. He thoroughly soaked himself, randomly got in and out, scrupulously avoiding most of my attempts at taking his picture. A chip off the old block, he is.
• Now, at 3am, when he goes out, he can come in, completely soaked.
• Regardless of hour, we all must listen closely for the ceremonial scream, "SOGGY COCKER!" At this point, we have to get out the towels to cover all surfaces he might perch upon.

Today is Social Media Day. In spite of this, I'm writing shit (professionals call this Creating Content, but I'm fairly distanced from professional) on my blog. After that, I'll log off and hang out with Marshall.

• Something happened today. Something so rare, so odd, so unbelievable, I don't even know how to type it out. But you know me - I'll try anyway.
• The morning 'news', in between social media reports and sports, said it was going to be warm in the morning, hot by noon, and REALLY hot in the afternoon. AND THEY WERE CORRECT.
• I managed to be outside in the afternoon and it was quite hot. Not ridiculously humid, just very humid. But hot. The kind of mostly sunny day in which it's just best to stay inside because the car will overcook your buttocks the moment they hit the seat.
• If we go out, I'll take my freezer packs and duct tape them around my head.

Ukraine Security Service blames Russia for 'Petya' outbreak. Well, who benefits? They were the obvious choice. I'm not saying it was Russia, but that's the quick answer.

• Can someone please explain to me why Scarlett Johanssen cut her hair? Was there a life change? That woman's hair is a national treasure. It's not like she's ever going to look like a boy, but still...

Apparently it's going to be a good/bad season for ticks. Good for ticks, not so good for us. It is recommended to keep grass short to give them no place to hide. Parents should check their kids when they come inside. Because your crazy mom, with OCD, will now have a legitimate excuse to check every hair on your body, methodically, one by one.

The news story on ticks went on to describe how to remove the little buggers. And no tick story would be complete without constant references to lyme disease, including how relatives of the talking heads were diagnosed with it.

• Today's best line: If you need stamps, they're right here in the lion.

Mark Zuckerberg, head of Faceyspaces, says 'Facebook is the new church.' 

Uh-oh.

Is it bigger than Jesus?

I sure hope he won't be laying hands on anyone, other than his wife.

Now we'll have to deal with generations of Face-O-Philes, molesting children digitally.

All money and treasure will be concentrated in the San Francisco area, with no one allowed to see it and no auditing.

Zuckerberg will get Serious Headgear - taller than the pope. He will insist on a similarly lofty title, like Your Poofitude or His Godliness.

Could there have been a better gift to me this morning? I don't think so.