Computing for Parents

My parents are in their seventies.  Need I say more?

Actually it's kind of difficult for me, being their child and thinking the world of them, to see them floundering about with their computer.

One of the most difficult ninety minutes of my life involved talking my mother through finding a document and emailing it.  By the time we were done, my mother was mad at herself too.  I should have won some sort of Nobel prize for maintaining my composure and not having my cranium explode, spraying the general area with its contents.

No one is entirely sure why they have had so many computers but there are certain things that, if questioned, will make your head hurt unbearably.  My mother has fibromyalgia and back issues so it's very difficult for her to use a computer in the first place.  It tends to look a lot like back-seat computing, with my dad typing and my mom leaning over his shoulder, yelling.  This is a fairly normal position for my parents and it is not for me to question what works.

They have gone through quite a number of laptops.  Nobody knows why, although I suspect at least one of them is the Dr. Kevorkian of computers.  The latest laptop is quite a beauty: a Dell with a seventeen inch screen.  The thing weighs almost as much as their car, which confuses me as my mom can't lift it (the car or the laptop, one would presume).

This particular laptop came with a major virus known as Windows Vista.  I installed the lesser virus called Windows 7.   I had almost no Vista experience and discovered this was a wonderful thing.  What a screaming piece of garbage..... the install was brand new and kept blue-screening randomly.  With a nice processor and four gigs of RAM, the thing looks magnificent and absolutely crawls.  If Windows 7 performs like Vista, my parents are going to learn linux.

Linux won't be a problem for my folks, as it would be just another operating system they cannot operate.

The key to dealing with older and/or technology-terrified folks is repetition.  They have to keep using the computer almost daily.  If they fail to use the computer, they will definitely forget how to operate it.

And forget they did.

Every few weeks, I'd receive another emergency call because one or both of them couldn't get their email.  Initially this was caused by not being able to remember their password(s).  I'm a security guy - I can't let my parents not have a password on their laptop.  We overcame this by having them write it down in a place they'd be able to locate.

All was well until last week, when I got another one of those calls.  They couldn't read their email.  Anyone who has done any troubleshooting at all knows that the complaint usually has nothing at all to do with the actual issue.   "Can't read my email" can mean anything from "I forgot my password" to "I forgot to pay the cable bill."

Firing up the latop, I discovered that all was in order and the email came in wonderfully.  I inquired as to the problem and they restated it was email.  Asking differently, the question actually turned out to be "Which program do I use to read email?"

Support people also know the Second Law of Computing: if there is no icon on the desktop, the program isn't installed.

I changed the Outlook icon to read EMAIL.

I suspect that they are best off with three icons:  EMAIL, WEB, and PICTURES.  Anything else will just get them into trouble.

Is This A Good Time to be Italian? [the Goomba Dance]

As part of my extended Labor Day weekend, I had the pleasure of spending an evening with my parents, who I do not see enough.  We went over for the purpose of hanging out, eating (of course), and setting up their new laptop.

I'm not sure how this came about but my parents were given a brand new laptop - a stunning Dell with a seventeen inch monitor.  The thing was so heavy my mother couldn't lift it.  I believe this was considered a desktop replacement.  I love large monitors so I didn't have any trouble with it.

Well, that's not entirely true....  when I turned the thing on, to my horror, the setup routine started.... for Windows Vista [cue suspenseful music].  Anyone who has read more than two entries here knows that I'm not exactly a Microsoft enthusiast (kinda like Steve Ballmer isn't a Mac enthusiast).  I haven't spent more than ten minutes cumulatively with Vista, which suited me just fine.  The time I did spend with Vista was painful: let's just leave it there.

After an evening of good food, great company, and setting up a laptop, my total Vista exposure is now up to four and a half hours or so.  Yes, it took four and a half hours to set up Vista on a laptop and download/apply the updates.

The machine had a core duo processor and four gigs of RAM so I was hesitant to blame the performance (or lack of thereof) on hardware.  Therefore I blame it on the pig of an operating system called Vista.

I manage to tolerate Windows 7 (a pig with lipstick) relatively well, especially as I have to use it for work.  Vista, on the other hand, is enough to make me pull the remaining hair out of my scalp, set it on fire, and run around Redmond, demanding their acknowledgement that I am indeed a chicken.

I'm hoping my parents won't complain about the slowdown they experience, going from an old laptop with XP to a relatively new one with Vista.  They're currently thrilled to have email again, so we shall all remain hopeful.  The bootup sequence alone on this porcine excuse for an operating system in positively leaden.  Small wonder they sold four copies of it.

GOOMBAS?

During the interminable wait for Vista to load, my wife took advantage of my parents' cable connection to watch Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I am f-ing stunned.  There's simply no other way to put it.

Back at the homestead, we got rid of pay television due to finances and the utter wasteland comprising it.  We do not watch reality tv (or at least I don't) as a rule.  From the bits I've heard, it consists largely of people talking, ad nauseum, about themselves, as if everyone in the entire universe gave a rat's patootie.

Well, I don't like the way they keep house.  But enough about them, let's talk about me.

I had to think long and hard about a description for this debacle.  I'm a creative type, so I hate to let the opportunity get the best of me.   Try this on for size:

Real Housewives of New Jersey: It's like the Sopranos without all the witty dialog and attractive women.

I'm still stunned.

Yes, Virginia, those accents are real.   The breasts, however, are not.

I will admit to never having watched three seconds of Jersey Shore, for once letting my better judgment win the day.  But I have to say that if I were Italian, I would be quite upset at the portrayals in these shows.

Yes, there are people like this.  Hopefully they are in the minority.  I know tons of Italians, none of whom look, sound, or act like this.  In fact, I often tell people I'm Italian to confuse them.

If I didn't have a laptop with a pig of an operating system on which to operate, I would have gouged out my own eardrums.  I kept asking nicely if perhaps my wife was finished watching yet.  Then I brought out the sarcasm.  Unfortunately they sat there for hours and watched the twisted proceedings.  They kept describing it as a train wreck, from which you cannot turn away.

I don't know about you but I don't have any trouble not standing around, waiting for a train to crash.  I don't even listen to Amy Winehouse, fer chrissake.  I don't slow down to gawk at car accidents (or blinky police lights on the side of the road).  Yes, I'm one of a kind (thank your deities).

There were commercials interspersed between the tragedies.  Some of them were for Real Housewives of Different Neighborhoods.  Same idiots, different accent.

Yes, stereotypes are often hysterical.  I can laugh at almost anything.  But this isn't funny.

Bread and circuses.

Everyone will have fifteen minutes of fame.

The only funny outcome was the South Park episode we watched shortly thereafter.  Matt and Trey absolutely nailed them, throwing Snooky in for good measure.

It's a Jersey thing - you wouldn't understand.