It's a Good Thing People Don't Have to Remember to Breathe

Speaking of net neutrality, Verizon throttled Santa Clara County, California, fire company's 'unlimited' data plan. This fire company happened to be fighting the fires out there and had to pay Verizon more money to end the serious throttling, even after explaining about the fires. As this is America, there is a lawsuit.

What have we learned? That cable companies' definition of Unlimited is Somewhat Unlimited.

• This morning's 7am noise was something very loud that required a backup beeper. Wife said it was a neighbor, this time digging up his driveway. I've seen this drive... you could eat off it and use it to calibrate your level.
• I've known the owner since we moved in. He had this child with a frightening look in his eyes. Wife and I looked at each other and agreed that there are many dead animals in his back yard, because that's how psychopaths start. This same child just bought the house from his parents. I'll bet he's trying to unearth his ex-pets. Maybe he's making amends. Maybe he's making dinner.. who knows?

The electric company in Naperville, IL, wants to put electronic 'smart' meters on everybody's service, with no opt-out. Some people in Naperville were very opposed to this, as everyone should be, and filed suit to stop it. At very least, this is a violation of the Fourth Amendment (search and seizure). Additionally, this would allow the electric company to determine electrical usage and a profile of the user. This is why these meters must be opposed. You know this data will be sold.

The judge agreed that this is Search. However, and there's always a however:

.....because the collection of smart meter data allows utilities to reduce costs, provide cheaper power to consumers, encourage energy efficiency and increase grid stability, it is very much in the government’s interest and can be allowed.

Although a Constitution fan, it's possible I could be ignorant of certain legal concepts. If any of you know, please chime in.

The Fourth, as indicated above, guarantees against illegal search and seizure. This means the police require a warrant to enter your house, which had better cover whatever they're looking for. A perfect example of this is drunk driver stops. Although somehow ruled legal, the police have no reasonable suspicion that anyone driving on the road is drunk, yet they stop you. Additionally, if they find money on you and seize it, that is also illegal (although needs to be fought in some states).

Here's where things get shaky: The Amendments, to my knowledge, are solid; not to be balanced against government interest. Here's a hypothetical: your local police department (or SWAT) breaks down your door, without a warrant, looking for guns. They find guns and confiscate them. In court the homeowner's lawyer claims a clear violation of the Fourth Amendment.  Let's face it - he's right. This is a clear cut case. The judge agrees: this is illegal Search and Seizure. However, and there's always a however, the government's interest in removing guns is reasonable and the case is dismissed.

Do you see my problem?
It's your problem too.

• Still have a Faceyspaces account? They want to figure out if you're legitimate or a fake news provider. You will be assigned a rating on how trustworthy you are.
• Since when is it the job of social media to indicate your trustworthiness? By what standards is this judged? Can standards apply? Will the political leanings of the decider affect the answer?

I watch LivePD. I have a strange affection for police shows, aside from the previous rant about the War on Drugs.  There's another show called Nightwatch, which is live ambulance crews in different states. LivePD is very instructive. Today I learned that it's perfectly ok to wear a bra and shorts, but only if you're female and have a humongous gut that hangs over your waist or sticks straight out, like a beer gut. These grown women are on national tv looking like this.

The criminals are a lot different than years back. They stand there and argue with the police, then get righteously indignant when the police want to pat them down. Don't forget that everybody's a lawyer. When the guy in his house fires a gun and the police taze him and carry him away, he's screaming the entire time that they didn't have a warrant to enter his house. This guy screamed at the top of his lungs for about 15 minutes. The producer of the show, who apparently hates his audience, kept the cameras rolling the entire time. I have to give the police credit for not tazing a large percentage of people they meet. This is precisely why I'm not allowed to have a taser.

I also found out that everybody is related, cops and criminals. Everybody calls everybody else 'bro'. Ok, mostly the men. Some lady called the police because somebody parked in her spot and is disrespecting her. It's a great thing it's not illegal to be an asshole: we'd have to triple the number of police on the streets.

Here's one tip: you can get out of a strip search if you defecate all over yourself.

• I was minding my business when I got a picture in text. It's my best friend, standing next to Jeff Lynne, of ELO.  People around me live very exciting lives. I make shit up and put it on a blog.
• I take that back: a couple of porn stars follow me on Twitter. [@leftystrat]

Today was another one of those days.

You know them.... the days where something doesn't go right, then nothing else goes right. It's kinda like a dark slapstick comedy that rolls downhill like a snowball, smashing at house at the bottom.

We're watching tv. Wife decides to go up for a nap. I decide to stretch out on the sofa for my own nap. Just as I drift off, Wife comes down the steps. We watch 10 minutes of tv and Wife goes up for another nap. I dare not try again because she'll be down again. Watching her nap is like watching a tennis ball. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up Down. The joke is always on me because she doesn't sleep.

I need breakfast, because it's getting close to 2pm. In the kitchen is leftover pizza, which I can't wait to eat. Oops, the ants have won this battle. You do NOT screw with a man's pizza, especially this pizza. I killed each one of them individually, using different methods. The real problem here is how to discourage other ants from trying this sort of thing. The Mongols would cut off their enemies' heads and put them on posts at the city limits, as a warning to anyone else who would try it. Have you ever tried to cut off 100 ants' heads? And put them on posts, as a warning to any other ants who might try it? Maybe if I staple them to the pizza box.

I go back to the couch and immediately kick something very heavy, creating pain in my foot worse than the pain developing in my head. Why was it in the way? Because we moved it. No matter where we move something, one of us will kick it or trip over it. If we nailed it to the ceiling, we'd find a way to trip over it.

I want a bigass tablet, but they're prohibitively expensive. I have my old first generation large tablet, which I retrieved. Annnnd there's no charging cable. This was back when every company used their own cables. I saw this cable within the last 2 weeks, so naturally I couldn't find it. I looked where I put all the cables I find. Nope. It was difficult to see because my house has no natural light. It's so bright you'll burn out your eyes if you go outside, but most of my house is black. The house was designed by someone with one of those diseases where they can't get sun or they'll develop herpes or something. As a consequence, the windows were placed so the sun won't shine in the house unless it rises in the north and sets in the south. We used to have this really cool halogen lamp that lit up the entire floor. They were made illegal because they fell over and started fires. I'm perfectly willing to take that chance, but nooooo. You can't buy a 200w bulb anymore, so unless I want to have 12 lamps in my living room, I'm screwed. So Wife gives me one of her 427 flashlights; the only one she can find. As soon as I point it where I need to look, it flickers. Of course it flickers, it's a super bright LED flashlight. Technology has definitely improved our lives.. the bulbs can flicker much longer these days.

Turning around, I tripped over my shoes.

I took a pause to reflect and for inspiration, at which point a large Styrofoam package fell on my head. I'm doing well - I haven't killed anyone in a long time. I switch on the small halogen light, which is very efficient. It gets so hot, it could cook the (ant-covered) pizza in the kitchen. It smells because dust lands on it. Well, dust plus the shade I made out of the skulls of my enemies. Giving up, I decide to heat something in the oven. On the way to the kitchen, I kicked something...

What is today's lesson? 

It's harder to remember your medicine on weekends. 

And make sure that when you put the heads of enemies on posts, the posts are UL approved for use in your city.

• I get more entertainment from ticket companies than some of the acts they promote. Today's was Jason Bonham's Led Zeppelin Evening. Right under that was the music of Michael Jackson vs. Justin Timberlake. 
• I'm going to give Jason Bonham a pass: his father was John Bonham, of Led Zeppelin. When the Zep played the O2 center in England, Jason played drums. So you figure if he played with Led Zeppelin, he might be good. However, and there's always a however, the music of Michael Jackson vs. Justin Timberlake? And you have to pay to watch it? No, this is obviously a leftover April Fools joke. People who aren't Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake are going to dress up and sing their songs, in some sort of competitive game, and you are expected to fork over money to watch it? What a cruel joke....

Speaking of cruel jokes, RIP Senator John McCain (R-Hell). I am repeatedly reminded not to speak ill of the dead. Repeatedly. So I'll just say that the good senator never met a country that wouldn't look better with bombs falling on it. Lockheed paid tribute to him publicly and immediately regretted it. Because John was a Class A Warmonger, billions went to Lockheed. Of course they regret his passing.

• Next time you're around people (a place I try not to be), try this one out: "That's not your real nose."

Daytime TV Causes More Suicides Than Depression

My wife watches daytime tv.
I cannot begin to describe the horrors. Unless you've spent even a day watching, you do not understand the sheer torture involved.

Broadcast tv went to hell years back, with radio. There's absolutely nothing of value, with the possible exception of news, and even that's questionable.  Things seem to go in blocks, starting with news at some hour at which even plants (and ants) are still sleeping. Then it goes to Yack Shows, where one or groups of women talk about celebrities, including Wendy Williams; an exceedingly tall woman with 400 wigs and humongous breast implants. You never see her and Frankenstein in the same room, but I shall go no further. The only thing worse than this gossip hound is her mind-controlled audience, whose entire output consists of drooling and "WOO WOO." Then a couple of non-caucasian women yack about celebrities and all talk at the same time. Then a huge block of Judge Shows, including Judge Judy, who is the rudest woman on tv and an incredibly negative Jewish stereotype. These go on for hours, with anyone who can fit into a robe raining down justice on some of the dimmest bulbs ever to appear in court. It's not fair to expect people to have a college degree (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) but most of these people don't have high school degrees. If they do, all of them failed grammar. Four times. They might not have left high school til they were twenty five, several days before they appeared on the show.

In between and around the March of the Stupid are the 'movies'. Because there is nothing on tv and because there isn't an original thought left in tv (or movies or music), new stations are popping up (like vicious weeds you cannot kill). They are probably taking advantage of copyright lapses and airing the absolute worst crap you can imagine: black and white war movies, 1970s television shows, and the real mind-blower - an entire network devoted to 70s game shows.

Wife is fascinated with history, with a special emphasis on those wacky and wild nazis. I don't claim to understand this and probably don't want to. As a result, there are frequently nazi movies on tv. You know - the family friendly, touching nazi movies. But do not despair.. non-nazi war movies are good too, provided they're black and white. Were people black and white in the forties? When war is temporarily over, the 'classic' black and whites start, with murder mysteries and stories of men loving unhinged women and someone killing someone else for the money.  One network picks ten of these gems, perhaps throwing in a 70s or 70s or 80s horrid period classic (in color!), and runs them all month. I don't even watch this crap and can recognize some of the lines. Wife, who has the attention span of a fly and the continuity of an infant, can watch this delightful deluge of mediocrity each time, with it being new each time.

So I sit there, diligently doing something horribly important on my computer, and being forced to listen to this drivel.

Don't forget the commercials! 1-800-SUE! If you've been injured, experience death, have mesothilioma, or transvaginal mesh, there are altruistic guardians of what is right called lawyers. You may be entitled to a cash reward and these folks are right there to help you. After you're done litigating, there are about fourteen variations of the Need Cash Now commercial, which run til you want to get all stabby with close family members. Finally, you can get paid to take care of your very sick relatives or be a cosmetologist. Both require silly outfits.

I have to admit it's fascinating to look at bits of 70s tv, to see how far we've come in production and technology (and writing - my God). Of all shows, CHIPS (remember that?) has absolutely the best car crashes we have ever seen, bar none. Today's car crashes cannot hold a candle (or a flamethrower) to these. The entire freeway winds up littered with completely smashed up hulks of 70s Land Yachts. The world could probably do without Rockford Files, Quincy, and the rest of the 'programming,' especially the torturous Murder, She Wrote, which runs two episodes, for the specific purpose of getting viewers to change the channel to some other mind-eating network. Like the Game Show Network. Can you imagine watching Jeopardy from 1974? The host and all of the contestants have been dead for 20 years. If you don't watch out, you might join them.

• We are still fighting the Great Ant War of 2017 but it appears the ants have decided to stop sending soldiers to the front. We're getting stragglers. Perhaps they found a better target. What could ants possibly want in a bathroom. A tub area? I hope they went to visit the Crazy Lady, although I suspect even they are terrified of her. If the ants ever take over, only she will be left standing.

Police are getting bodycams that identify places and people. The manufacturer, Motorola, claims it's not facial recognition, it's object recognition. Yeah, ok.  This is all ok, though, because it's for the children. No, really, they're tugging heartstrings because it can look for missing children. Heaven help us. When this gets loose, which it will, it will only get worse. Let's see... my state has facial recognition on drivers licenses. Wanna bet.....

While we're at it, there's a critical flaw in Segway Hoverboards, making them vulnerable to cyberattacks. There you are, Michael J. Fox, on your hoverboard, when some wag cyberchild hijacks the local surveillance camera to watch what happens when he turns the hoverboard upside down, hurtling you to the sidewalk. Seven minutes later, it's uploaded to Faceyspaces.

• Google is using your entire search history to create a personalized news feed. Although there are certain things you can do to minimize what Google knows about you, the best way is to stop using it. Duckduckgo is the way to go.

Pennsylvania is reporting ninety billion hacking attempts against it last year. There is no information available about how they arrived at this number, but it looks to be in reaction to scores of reports that they were hacked during the election. Let's ignore the fact that this breach might have something to do with the last election (seriously?). PA does want us to rest assured there is no evidence of the Russians hacking into the voting machines. No evidence at all. Nothing to see here - go on home.

I suspect the total number was arrived at by taking the number of stop signs in the state and dividing it by the number of pet squid belonging to the residents in the state. The resulting number is multiplied by that year's state deficit and added to the governor's salary. This number is divided by the number of strip clubs visited by state employees with state funds. See - easy as PI.

• A Canadian family had some interesting luck the other day. They were having some ice cream when someone bit into something, later identified as a catheter. The ice cream company charged them extra for the medical device, the health system had the police arrest them for using an unprescribed medical device and, being Canadian, the family apologized.

If English managed to produce a lot of words that had the first and second letter capitalized, I'd be the fastest typist on the planet.

• Senator John McCain has been diagnosed with brain cancer at the Mayo Clinic. ThermionicEmissions wishes him good health. He has already introduced legislation to bomb the clinic.  
• No, it's never too soon.

A Florida man, upset that AT&T trucks were parked on his property, asked them to move. Apparently he was not satisfied with the answer because he came back with a gun, shot out all four tires on one truck, walked to the other truck, reloaded, and shot out each of those tires too. He also shot out a radiator and into the body of a truck. In the obligatory interview with the neighbor, who only spoke Spanish (because this is Florida, US), he was such a nice guy.

In unrelated news, AT&T has ordered all of its employees to take an intensive two week course in what is a driveway and what isn't a driveway, as well as in which you should park the truck. So far there has been an eighty percent fail rate.

• Internet of Things Strikes Again: Alexa, everybody's favorite in-home listening device, got remotely updated so now its users are part of Amazon's Social Network.  You upload your contacts to the mobile app and everything gets thrown into the network, including the pool guy, some person you helped with their computer, people you don't remember, and your car mechanic. All of these people can add you. You can add them. If you don't like them, there was no way to block, but Amazon fixed that. If you want out, you have to call an actual person to be unsubscribed.
• As one would expect, Alexa users aren't really concerned. Ho-hum.

The dog did everything but sit on my head this morning in bed. He did walk up, plop down on my pillow, and proceeded to pant and whine, about five minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off. No one set the dog for that time, so it was annoying. When I went to let him out, he went and slept by the door in the other direction. I thought the poor little bugger wanted to go out, get some breakfast, or some meds... no - he woke me up so he could sleep in a different place. You tell me who is running the house.

John McCain: This Means WAR!

Yesterday I heard an interview with John McCain. I didn't get to transcribe it fully but here's the gist from memory:

Welcome to Beat the Press. Today's guest is Senator John McCain (R-Lockheed).

Good morning, Senator.

WHERE?

Here, Senator.

Oh.

Senator, we're discussing the recent bombing of a hospital in Afghanistan.

Yes, it's a crying shame (that we didn't get more of the commie bastards).

But Senator, the hospital was full of sick people.

Taleban. TALEBAN.  Kill. KILL!

Doctors Without Borders says there was no Taleban in the hospital.

Doctors Without Borders is a terrorist organization, bent on getting in the way of exporting democracy.

Were there any Taleban in the hospital?

No, but they were certainly in the area.  Somewhere.

But not in the hospital?

No. But those Doctors were, so we stepped up and dropped a few. Dropped. DROPPED. KILL. BOMB! EVISCERATE!!!!!

Senator, there has been some criticism over using the B-34 Flying Uncontrolled Country Killer (FUCK). This plane features enough tactical killing power to take out small regions of the planet. Do you believe this was the correct way to take out a small hospital?

Bob...

My name is Ted, Senator.

Bob... I believe the right tool is the one that gets the job done. We flew in and took out the target. If we could have used more bombers, we could have taken out the hospital and the rest of the country where the Taleban must be hiding. But we are using more surgical strikes lately, so as not to interrupt the cocaine trade. President Kennedy pissed the CIA off once and look what happened to him. And Bob, I'm no John F. Kennedy.

But there were innocent sick people in the hospital.

Bob, have I said ISIS yet? Because ISIS. New munitions needed. More contracts. Boeing, Lockheed, Halliburton.. MORE CONTRACTS!!!  CIA Secret Missions!!!! Think of the economy, BOB!!!

Ted.

Casualties of war, Bob. Collateral damage. We are very sad at the loss of life but it's the black guy's fault. If he didn't start that drawdown, we could have continued our mission indefinitely. More troops. We will complete our mission, even if it takes longer than Vietnam.  ISIS, Bob.

What is our mission in Afghanistan?

We are working towards ramping up our casualties... errr.... troops... because of a very large contract with a huge, influential defense contractor.  We just gave them hundreds of billions for new explosive killing vehicles (EKVs). It would be a horrible waste of taxpayer money not to use them. Killing vehicles... killing... KILLING.. BOMBING... WIDESPREAD DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!!!  baaaaaa........ [falls off chair, foaming at the mouth]


Beat the Press would like to thank the (very) late senator John McCain.