Thursday, October 8, 2015

John McCain: This Means WAR!

Yesterday I heard an interview with John McCain. I didn't get to transcribe it fully but here's the gist from memory:

Welcome to Beat the Press. Today's guest is Senator John McCain (R-Lockheed).

Good morning, Senator.


Here, Senator.


Senator, we're discussing the recent bombing of a hospital in Afghanistan.

Yes, it's a crying shame (that we didn't get more of the commie bastards).

But Senator, the hospital was full of sick people.

Taleban. TALEBAN.  Kill. KILL!

Doctors Without Borders says there was no Taleban in the hospital.

Doctors Without Borders is a terrorist organization, bent on getting in the way of exporting democracy.

Were there any Taleban in the hospital?

No, but they were certainly in the area.  Somewhere.

But not in the hospital?

No. But those Doctors were, so we stepped up and dropped a few. Dropped. DROPPED. KILL. BOMB! EVISCERATE!!!!!

Senator, there has been some criticism over using the B-34 Flying Uncontrolled Country Killer (FUCK). This plane features enough tactical killing power to take out small regions of the planet. Do you believe this was the correct way to take out a small hospital?


My name is Ted, Senator.

Bob... I believe the right tool is the one that gets the job done. We flew in and took out the target. If we could have used more bombers, we could have taken out the hospital and the rest of the country where the Taleban must be hiding. But we are using more surgical strikes lately, so as not to interrupt the cocaine trade. President Kennedy pissed the CIA off once and look what happened to him. And Bob, I'm no John F. Kennedy.

But there were innocent sick people in the hospital.

Bob, have I said ISIS yet? Because ISIS. New munitions needed. More contracts. Boeing, Lockheed, Halliburton.. MORE CONTRACTS!!!  CIA Secret Missions!!!! Think of the economy, BOB!!!


Casualties of war, Bob. Collateral damage. We are very sad at the loss of life but it's the black guy's fault. If he didn't start that drawdown, we could have continued our mission indefinitely. More troops. We will complete our mission, even if it takes longer than Vietnam.  ISIS, Bob.

What is our mission in Afghanistan?

We are working towards ramping up our casualties... errr.... troops... because of a very large contract with a huge, influential defense contractor.  We just gave them hundreds of billions for new explosive killing vehicles (EKVs). It would be a horrible waste of taxpayer money not to use them. Killing vehicles... killing... KILLING.. BOMBING... WIDESPREAD DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!!!  baaaaaa........ [falls off chair, foaming at the mouth]

Beat the Press would like to thank the (very) late senator John McCain.

No comments:

Post a Comment