Thursday, October 1, 2015

God is Going to Get You - if I Don't First

Hey you. YOU. You with the cell phone.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
You probably didn't hear me over that infernal device.

I don't know if you're deaf, inconsiderate, or just stupid. Your phone makes noise. Lots of noises. And you've got it turned up so dead people in the next county can hear it.

Your phone sits there, blooping. You're either too ignorant or unimaginative so you're using the stock phone settings. One of them makes a water drop noise whenever you do something. Or whenever you don't do something. Then you walk away, leaving your phone within earshot of everyone around you. And it bleeps and bloops. And drips, like a modern version of the Chinese Water Torture.

And sometimes it rings for five minutes while you're away, aggravating all of humanity. We've discovered one sure way to stop the noise: putting your phone in the toilet. This works every time without fail. If you don't silence the small, flat, loud piece of gee-whiz technology, we will silence it for you. Then we will put you in the toilet, for good measure.

My wife has some of these lovely tendencies. Her phone is well-known for having short battery life. Of course it has short battery life, it makes a noise for each keypress. When I pointed out that removing the noise (and vibration) will lenghten the battery life, she got this look of horror on her face and continues to charge it several times each day. Meanwhile I sit there, relaxing on the couch after a hard day slaving over a hot flat-screen monitor, when the phone goes off with all the volume of five guitar amps blasting away while falling down two flights of steps. Once I get myself down from the ceiling, I scream, "TURN THAT @&#$ING THING DOWN!"

"But I need to hear it," she whines.

"There are people at the end of the next block who know whenever you get a call. Air raid sirens stop in embarrassment. Entire factories cease production. Bombing in Syria grinds to a halt," I helpfully inform her.

No reaction. Then she goes for a nap, leaving the phone on the table, near me. I wonder if this is what they mean by passive/aggressive.

In related news, we all know how I feel about Microsoft. But I will come out of the closet today and let you know that I actually use their products: the ergonomic keyboard and their stock mouse. Along with their software going to hell, the letters are coming off the keyboard shortly after I start using it. I am forced to use my wife's clear nail polish to retain what little lettering I have left. I have no As or Ls anymore, which may explain the decline in the quality of posts lately.

That is all.

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