Your love is like unexploded ordnance
What's the only thing dumber than a Philadelphia voter?
Two Philadelphia voters.
Today I identify as Micellar water, which goes so well with hyaluronic acid
Quite a few of us are introverts. We quake in fear of having to go to parties and social events. We might be in the corner, reading a book or checking our 17 email addresses on our phone. We desperately want to avoid social interaction. Let us assume, just for a second, that this is a less than positive behavior. How do we appear to be good guests, without trying too hard or running for the door like a lion after an IRS agent? It just came to me... perhaps a few well-chosen phrases will start conversation, or at least make people think you're witty enough to invite to their party. Oh..., that would be self-defeating, wouldn't it? How about a few key phrases to distract attention from your inclination to tell them all to do something physically impossible and morally uncertain? The first key to conversation is to say something (duh) that will prompt further conversation. People are generally stupid and narcissistic, so they'll take any opportunity to talk about themselves. Give them one phrase and you have something that some people will misconstrue as 'conversation.' Let me think of a few....
- There sure is a lot of weather out there.
- Hey, how bout them [insert sports team]. Sometimes I just say "How bout those insert sports team." Many people won't even hear what you said and will take off about some sports team. The only downside is that people will take off about some sports team.
- How about that new Intel 12th generation architecture? If you can't join them, bore them. Ask about chips and you will eventually start a stampede for the bar. They won't bother you again. This is brilliant strategy.
- Good evening kill your pets. People only hear the first few syllables of anything you say (or email)
- Where did you get that dress? This confuses the hell out of men.
- Keeping one eye open much wider than the other, ask hypothetically how they'd take out a public figure. For some reason, people avoid you when you look mentally questionable or completely unhinged. Warning: this could backfire and someone who read this list will make suggestions and YOU will have to retreat.
- Hey, how bout that new War and Peace sequel?
- I sure hope the Phillies tank. Traffic is bad enough as it stands. Plus the yahoos climbing greased poles and turning trucks over will just continue to ruin our already trashy reputation.
REMINDER: for all you using Signal for your encrypted messaging, you will need a regular old SMS messaging program shortly. Signal will only handle its own protocol. It's still the only way to go. If you have any suggestions for non-invasive SMS clients, please send it in comments (especially if it won't display emojis).
RIP comedian Gallagher, of smashing watermelons (76), in hospice with organ failure.
RIP Dan McCafferty (76), instantly identifiable singer of Nazareth (Love Hurts, Hair of the Dog)
I must've been bored and just didn't know it.
I heard this cracking noise, which I desperately wanted to ignore. It was near the hinge of my laptop. I handled it very gently. It behaved. But that should have been the warning I needed; nothing behaves here - computer, dog, or people. Rather than annoy it, I left it alone and used my old laptop, which hasn't had any of these problems in its long years of use. I figured if I left the newer laptop alone for a weekend, it would enjoy the vacation and exorcise the nasty juju from it. That was stupid. By Monday the entire display had gone Almost Black (yes, it's a color). I don't have time to be stunned anymore, nor could I be, so I just shook my head and tried the monitor I had plugged in. Unfortunately I had to figure out how to move the icons, panels, 'start' button, and the armadillos to the right monitor. This is not easy, but I got it done in an hour. People who know what they're doing can do it in 5 minutes. Then I had to communicate with the laptop and give it the bad news about its display. This is never an easy thing to do and you never know how the rest of the computer will react. Finally I convinced it that it should send everything to the right monitor, as opposed to its display. Naturally during bootup, everything comes up on the laptop display, so I have to log in by feel and memory, neither of which I have much of.
As if that weren't enough, I promptly forgot what I was going to type next. The doctors tell me this is perfectly normal, only they won't tell me what it's perfectly normal for.
And furthermore, as if THAT weren't enough, I now have an interminable delay when I type or click or sneeze, which is really embarrassing. So my main computer is now delayed by several seconds. While this is perfectly normal for a spouse, it's unworkable for a computer. So now it's time for troubleshooting. There is nothing hogging the processor, no network traffic, and plenty of memory. Well, that's about it for me. I made a linux live usb, which the computer will boot to and run a live version of linux, without the hard drive. This helps evaluate the operating system or diagnose it. You know what's coming next, right? The computer won't boot to the usb drive, whether it's a BIOS setting or some other reason. Naturally I can't GET to the BIOS setting because the display is broken. So I'd have to troubleshoot the troubleshooting, but I just don't have the intestinal fortitude for that. Or the coffee.
The problem doesn't look like it can be resolved at home. My initial idea was to resolve the problem in the Bahamas, but I suspect I won't have better luck there. I guess it's back to the manufacturer for a new display (costing roughly as much as the Bahamas resolution). Once my head stops hurting and I can see again, I need to take the hard drives out, so they don't see my hamster pr0n. I'd rather keep that to myself (and my readers, who would never tell anyone, right?). JFC. We won't even begin to discuss my penchant for keeping original boxes, in case something breaks. We won't discuss it because of Wife's penchant for throwing things out.
Born under a bad sign
I been down since I began to crawl
If it wasn't for bad luck
I wouldn't have no luck at all.
My mother is a very smart lady. She makes my favorite chocolate chip cookies in the world, along with an incredibly heavy chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing. When Wife asked for the cake recipe, Mom said it was on the back of the cocoa box. She kept saying that and forgetting to show how to make the chocolate chip cookies. Here is where the sheer genius in her plan comes out: she has dementia and couldn't give up a recipe if she wanted to. She will take it to her grave. Brilliant.
Best lyrics this week: And as I stand here at your door, my knees are all a-knock.-Dan Baird
Speaking of Tesla, and we usually are, a new item surfaced, having nothing to do with exploding batteries. Tesla is installing Zoom in its new cars.This way you can clearly see the last face you'll ever see when you're not looking at the road because you're not too bright and think Driver Assist means Auto Drive. Or because you have the attention span of a 2 year old. Either way, this is a brilliant idea on the part of Tesla, which will rid us of thousands more of their drivers. Just to make everything right with the universe, as the car crashes, the battery blows up.
Since we've had our daily Tesla shot, it's time for Zoom. Zoom is a marketing company full of liars, with a product designed for marketing and with security as an afterthought.
The other day I donned my armor and small thermonuclear device in order to deal with my arch nemesis - the washer. This was only my second time doing battle with the cursed beast, as Wife was away. I think she just likes to see me terrified. I got the small (4") binder with the instructions and went to face it, my courage having peaked a few hours previous, while putting on the armor. Have you ever tried to put on armor? Don't. It chafes in places you'd rather not have chafing. It's difficult to fight the enemy with chafing in your..... never mind, you get it.
It's not enough I had to do battle - it's worse when there are unforeseen obstacles. There was already a load in the washer. Thinking quickly, I decided the best course was putting it in the dryer (this is why I make the Big Bucks). Unfortunately I had a double unforeseen on my hands; the dryer was also full. Because there were 2 full loads, there was not a single wash basket to be found. How does she do this? I emptied the dryer and, with no other place to put it, dropped the load on the floor (this is a test to see if she's reading the blog). The washed load did not smell like seafood (or tires), so it went into the dryer. When all was done, I had a pile of folded clean laundry, even though I "don't fold right." This situation was made moot when the dog completely tore everything apart and laid on it, because no clothing is complete without a generous coating of dog hair. I tell you this not for the congrats on my battle, but because in all this wash, my clothes are still missing. She had been doing wash for an entire week and she doesn't know either. I dare not ask what she was washing or has she seen my clothes anytime recently or WHY she hasn't seen my clothes... my body just can't stand the injuries.
So, my clothes are still in the No Clothes Zone<tm>. I have (or had) enough t-shirts to bring down the Russian army, but nobody knows where they are. Perhaps in a different universe, some dude is wondering where buttloads of really cool t-shirts have appeared from. We asked award-winning NYU theoretical physicist Michio Kaku for a possible theory and if this is an example of string theory. He thought about it for a while, nodding and shaking his head, and replied, "How TF should *I* know?" That was theoretical physicist Michio Kaku. Abandoning alternate universe stringy theories, I wondered if it was theft. Nah, why only my t-shirts? They're cool but not that cool. Why not Wife's 'special' underwear? Or any of 4 billion dog toys? Money. Guitars. No, just t-shirts and some jeans. Have we been robbed by a second hand store? Nah- no women's clothes gone. I hired a forensic team to examine the area around the washer for evidence of dark wash, but they found nothing. It's the perfect Wash Disappearance. In fact, nobody knows if this is even a crime. Just to be certain, next week we're bringing in Jethro from NCIS. He couldn't make it this week because his Team Weirdo quit and he needs to find a new one. Haven't you noticed all of those shows have the Team Weirdo, geek, odd person, woman with so much makeup there are cosmetics commercials targeted just to her?
Fortunately I still have socks. Unfortunately this is because Wife bought me more, despite my observation that it was cheaper to wash them than pull a Jerry Lewis, who would never wear socks a second time. If I find no socks this week, I'll be forced to assume they've run away with the darks. Another theory is that a woman who finds me attractive keeps stealing my clothes, in hopes of seeing me naked. There are 2 problems with this theory: 1. all she'd have to do is ask 2. there are no women who find me attractive, including and especially Mrs. lefty.
So the search continues, with night-vision goggles, ghost-hunting beepy boxes, torches, a crystal ball in the shape of a boobie, model glue (that I picked a bad week to stop sniffing), and 12 failed contestants from the Masked Furry. I don't stand a chance.
How many times have I told you not to leave your rocket outside during a storm? Do you have any idea what those things cost? If you keep this up, your Uncle Joe will have to start taxing us every time we go to the bathroom. You never see the Air Force leaving planes out in a storm. The Army doesn't leave M-16s out. Only NASA. If you do this one more time, I'm going to take your rocket away and give it to the Welsh, whose silly accents will make any communications impossible.
