The Only Blog with Hyaluronic Acid!

 

Your love is like  unexploded ordnance 

What's the only thing dumber than a Philadelphia voter?

Two Philadelphia voters.

Today I identify as  Micellar water, which goes so well with hyaluronic acid

Quite a few of us are introverts. We quake in fear of having to go to parties and social events. We might be in the corner, reading a book or checking our 17 email addresses on our phone. We desperately want to avoid social interaction. Let us assume, just for a second, that this is a less than positive behavior. How do we appear to be good guests, without trying too hard or running for the door like a lion after an IRS agent? It just came to me... perhaps a few well-chosen phrases will start conversation, or at least make people think you're witty enough to invite to their party. Oh..., that would be self-defeating, wouldn't it?  How about a few key phrases to distract attention from your inclination to tell them all to do something physically impossible and morally uncertain? The first key to conversation is to say something (duh) that will prompt further conversation. People are generally stupid and narcissistic, so they'll take any opportunity to talk about themselves. Give them one phrase and you have something that some people will misconstrue as 'conversation.'  Let me think of a few....

• There sure is a lot of weather out there.
• Hey, how bout them [insert sports team]. Sometimes I just say "How bout those insert sports team." Many people won't even hear what you said and will take off about some sports team. The only downside is that people will take off about some sports team.
• How about that new Intel 12th generation architecture? If you can't join them, bore them. Ask about chips and you will eventually start a stampede for the bar. They won't bother you again. This is brilliant strategy.
• Good evening kill your pets.  People only hear the first few syllables of anything you say (or email)
• Where did you get that dress? This confuses the hell out of men.
• Keeping one eye open much wider than the other, ask hypothetically how they'd take out a public figure. For some reason, people avoid you when you look mentally questionable or completely unhinged. Warning: this could backfire and someone who read this list will make suggestions and YOU will have to retreat.
• Hey, how bout that new War and Peace sequel?
• I sure hope the Phillies tank. Traffic is bad enough as it stands. Plus the yahoos climbing greased poles and turning trucks over will just continue to ruin our already trashy reputation.

REMINDER: for all you using Signal for your encrypted messaging, you will need a regular old SMS messaging program shortly. Signal will only handle its own protocol. It's still the only way to go. If you have any suggestions for non-invasive SMS clients, please send it in comments (especially if it won't display emojis).

RIP comedian Gallagher, of smashing watermelons (76), in hospice with organ failure.  

 

RIP Dan McCafferty (76), instantly identifiable singer of Nazareth (Love Hurts, Hair of the Dog)

I must've been bored and just didn't know it.

I heard this cracking noise, which I desperately wanted to ignore. It was near the hinge of my laptop. I handled it very gently. It behaved. But that should have been the warning I needed; nothing behaves here - computer, dog, or people. Rather than annoy it, I left it alone and used my old laptop, which hasn't had any of these problems in its long years of use. I figured if I left the newer laptop alone for a weekend, it would enjoy the vacation and exorcise the nasty juju from it. That was stupid. By Monday the entire display had gone Almost Black (yes, it's a color). I don't have time to be stunned anymore, nor could I be, so I just shook my head and tried the monitor I had plugged in. Unfortunately I had to figure out how to move the icons, panels, 'start' button, and the armadillos to the right monitor. This is not easy, but I got it done in an hour. People who know what they're doing can do it in 5 minutes. Then I had to communicate with the laptop and give it the bad news about its display. This is never an easy thing to do and you never know how the rest of the computer will react. Finally I convinced it that it should send everything to the right monitor, as opposed to its display. Naturally during bootup, everything comes up on the laptop display, so I have to log in by feel and memory, neither of which I have much of. 

As if that weren't enough, I promptly forgot what I was going to type next. The doctors tell me this is perfectly normal, only they won't tell me what it's perfectly normal for.

And furthermore, as if THAT weren't enough, I now have an interminable delay when I type or click or sneeze, which is really embarrassing. So my main computer is now delayed by several seconds. While this is perfectly normal for a spouse, it's unworkable for a computer. So now it's time for troubleshooting. There is nothing hogging the processor, no network traffic, and plenty of memory. Well, that's about it for me. I made a linux live usb, which the computer will boot to and run a live version of linux, without the hard drive. This helps evaluate the operating system or diagnose it. You know what's coming next, right? The computer won't boot to the usb drive, whether it's a BIOS setting or some other reason. Naturally I can't GET to the BIOS setting because the display is broken. So I'd have to troubleshoot the troubleshooting, but I just don't have the intestinal fortitude for that. Or the coffee. 

The problem doesn't look like it can be resolved at home. My initial idea was to resolve the problem in the Bahamas, but I suspect I won't have better luck there. I guess it's back to the manufacturer for a new display (costing roughly as much as the Bahamas resolution). Once my head stops hurting and I can see again, I need to take the hard drives out, so they don't see my hamster pr0n. I'd rather keep that to myself (and my readers, who would never tell anyone, right?). JFC. We won't even begin to discuss my penchant for keeping original boxes, in case something breaks.  We won't discuss it because of Wife's penchant for throwing things out.

Born under a bad sign

I been down since I began to crawl

If it wasn't for bad luck

I wouldn't have no luck at all.

My mother is a very smart lady. She makes my favorite chocolate chip cookies in the world, along with an incredibly heavy chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream icing. When Wife asked for the cake recipe, Mom said it was on the back of the cocoa box. She kept saying that and forgetting to show how to make the chocolate chip cookies. Here is where the sheer genius in her plan comes out: she has dementia and couldn't give up a recipe if she wanted to. She will take it to her grave. Brilliant.

Best lyrics this week: And as I stand here at your door, my knees are all a-knock.

-Dan Baird 

Speaking of Tesla, and we usually are, a new item surfaced, having nothing to do with exploding batteries. Tesla is installing Zoom in its new cars.This way you can clearly see the last face you'll ever see when you're not looking at the road because you're not too bright and think Driver Assist means Auto Drive. Or because you have the attention span of a 2 year old. Either way, this is a brilliant idea on the part of Tesla, which will rid us of thousands more of their drivers. Just to make everything right with the universe, as the car crashes, the battery blows up.

Since we've had our daily Tesla shot, it's time for Zoom. Zoom is a marketing company full of liars, with a product designed for marketing and with security as an afterthought.

The other day I donned my armor and small thermonuclear device in order to deal with my arch nemesis - the washer. This was only my second time doing battle with the cursed beast, as Wife was away. I think she just likes to see me terrified. I got the small (4") binder with the instructions and went to face it, my courage having peaked a few hours previous, while putting on the armor. Have you ever tried to put on armor? Don't. It chafes in places you'd rather not have chafing. It's difficult to fight the enemy with chafing in your..... never mind, you get it.

It's not enough I had to do battle - it's worse when there are unforeseen obstacles. There was already a load in the washer. Thinking quickly, I decided the best course was putting it in the dryer (this is why I make the Big Bucks). Unfortunately I had a double unforeseen on my hands; the dryer was also full. Because there were 2 full loads, there was not a single wash basket to be found.  How does she do this? I emptied the dryer and, with no other place to put it, dropped the load on the floor (this is a test to see if she's reading the blog).  The washed load did not smell like seafood (or tires), so it went into the dryer.  When all was done, I had a pile of folded clean laundry, even though I "don't fold right." This situation was made moot when the dog completely tore everything apart and laid on it, because no clothing is complete without a generous coating of dog hair. I tell you this not for the congrats on my battle, but because in all this wash, my clothes are still missing. She had been doing wash for an entire week and she doesn't know either. I dare not ask what she was washing or has she seen my clothes anytime recently or WHY she hasn't seen my clothes... my body just can't stand the injuries.

So, my clothes are still in the No Clothes Zone<tm>. I have (or had) enough t-shirts to bring down the Russian army, but nobody knows where they are.  Perhaps in a different universe, some dude is wondering where buttloads of really cool t-shirts have appeared from. We asked award-winning NYU theoretical physicist Michio Kaku for a possible theory and if this is an example of string theory. He thought about it for a while, nodding and shaking his head, and replied, "How TF should *I* know?" That was theoretical physicist Michio Kaku. Abandoning alternate universe stringy theories, I wondered if it was theft. Nah, why only my t-shirts? They're cool but not that cool. Why not Wife's 'special' underwear? Or any of 4 billion dog toys? Money. Guitars. No, just t-shirts and some jeans. Have we been robbed by a second hand store? Nah- no women's clothes gone. I hired a forensic team to examine the area around the washer for evidence of dark wash, but they found nothing. It's the perfect Wash Disappearance.  In fact, nobody knows if this is even a crime. Just to be certain, next week we're bringing in Jethro from NCIS. He couldn't make it this week because his Team Weirdo quit and he needs to find a new one. Haven't you noticed all of those shows have the Team Weirdo, geek, odd person, woman with so much makeup there are cosmetics commercials targeted just to her?

Fortunately I still have socks.  Unfortunately this is because Wife bought me more, despite my observation that it was cheaper to wash them than pull a Jerry Lewis, who would never wear socks a second time. If I find no socks this week, I'll be forced to assume they've run away with the darks.  Another theory is that a woman who finds me attractive keeps stealing my clothes, in hopes of seeing me naked. There are 2 problems with this theory: 1. all she'd have to do is ask  2. there are no women who find me attractive, including and especially Mrs. lefty.

So the search continues, with night-vision goggles, ghost-hunting beepy boxes, torches, a crystal ball in the shape of a boobie, model glue (that I picked a bad week to stop sniffing), and 12 failed contestants from the Masked Furry. I don't stand a chance.

NASA will leave its $4.1 billion rocket outside as Nicole approaches Florida

How many times have I told you not to leave your rocket outside during a storm? Do you have any idea what those things cost? If you keep this up, your Uncle Joe will have to start taxing us every time we go to the bathroom. You never see the Air Force leaving planes out in a storm. The Army doesn't leave M-16s out. Only NASA. If you do this one more time, I'm going to take your rocket away and give it to the Welsh, whose silly accents will make any communications impossible.

The Right Nipple Hall of Fame

 

Your love is like  post-shaving pimples

HIM: What would you like to drink?

HER: Mineral water, please.

HIM: Ok, Coke it is.

Today I identify as  a rubber chicken

One of the points of having a computer was for it to take the load, because it works much faster than you.

Well, it's supposed to.

It may be Wednesday, but the computer thinks it's Monday. It is less responsive on Monday than Joe Biden before Naptime. It took minutes to bring up Outlook. Forever to bring up Windows. And when it got close to up, Windows informed me it had to do an update.  It was all very hush-hush. It did allow me to schedule the update, which I found quite nice, and when I did, it told me NO. That's about right. Twenty minutes later, everything was at least up, when it told me it had to restart. Of course it had to restart. Windows' most consistent point is how it drives its users insane with updating, random rebooting, and refusal to act like an operating system. When someone is late for a meeting, they just say "I got Windowsed" and everybody understands. Many coworkers would rather stick their hands into a convenient electrical outlet than use Windows.

I know all about the speed of the internet, but for some reason, I was on Special Dialup Emulation mode. 300 baud.

After several days sick, being quiet and unbothered, I'm now screaming at the computer and Windows. First thing in the morning. I wonder if they should try using Windows instead of smelling salts.

I need to check my email, but there's still another ten minutes before it comes up. And when it comes up, rest assured it will come up FULL SCREEN, regardless of how you closed it, what you do to it, or if you use fresh chickens instead of store-bought ones. I hit the button to take it out of full screen, and it tells me what I think of Outlook anyway: Fails to Respond. I can actually grow my own coffee beans, roast them, grind them, and make all my coffee really fresh. I guess I shouldn't complain.

It got no better.

• When you're young, if you try to pick up a younger person, you're robbing the cradle.
• Jane Seymour is 70+. Today is Nancy Wilson's 68th birthday. Am I robbing the reaper?

After days of being sick, my body was revolting.

Let me rephrase that: my body revolted. It was upset about all that extra sleep I got and decreed that it would get no further sleep. I suspect this whole thing started after I tried getting more than four hours sleep per night.

It's incredibly nice outside again. People are walking around, looking up, waiting for the other shoe to hit them.

There was a shopping trip. The prices go up every time Putin sneezes, because of the gas prices. Still no yogurt.  I don't mean to bitch (yes I do), but that's 50% of my breakfast. Otherwise, if I eat too much fiber, the sewage system breaks and the city has to get involved (again). I had to pay for industrial teflon sewer lines out to the main line. You'd be shocked at how many local ordinances are put in place just because of me. Maybe not.

I keep trying to say I'm glad to be back to work and relative (ab)normalcy, but I'm not feeling it yet. Probably due to my weekly fight with Windows. It likes me only slightly less than I like it. I'm not sure my coworkers are aware I wasn't in or I'm back. They're a good bunch. Like purple grapes with that grotty white fungus growing on them.

Poor Mrs. lefty will need to sleep for a few days, after being on alert to tend to my sickness (physical). I don't like to be waited on, but once a year it's actually nice.

Flying AIDS News 

Fourth shot “is necessary” Pfizer CEO says as experts monitor BA.2

COVID cases are again on the rise globally as testing, health measures decline

Florida health official put on 2-month leave after urging staff to get vaccine

Covid: Why US students are staging walkouts over masks

COVID ups risks of dementia, cognitive impairment, and decline in older survivors

WHO Says It Advised Ukraine To Destroy Pathogens In Health Labs To Prevent Disease Spread

Moderna asking FDA for approval for 4th shot 

• The patchwork groups sharing gender-affirming underwear patterns
• I guess I'm secure enough in my manhood that I don't seek affirmation from my underwear 

Tesla has been quiet lately

Tesla hikes prices on all cars, with cheapest Model 3 now nearing $50K

But it's ok, for the extra money, the car has an even bigger chance of spontaneously exploding and hitting parked cars. For $20k extra, you can purchase the Pedestrian option, where the car will hit pedestrians instead of avoiding them.

Scientists claim hairy black holes explain Hawking paradox

I'll take "What does Niki Minaj have to do with Stephen Hawking?" for $500, Bob. 

• A study finds that the US has lost 57.6 trillion metric tons of soil due to agricultural practices.
• President Taxit has vowed $57.6 trillion to bail out farmers and has formed a task force to locate the missing soil.

There are a few things you simply do not want to hear from your spouse.

Number One: I've been thinking..

Number Two: I just changed pocketbooks and...

because it just means something got left behind, lost, or it will require more pocketbooks.

Campilobacter is NOT a food additive

Superbug-Infected Chicken Is Being Sold All Over the US

• A Fort Lauderdale active-killer training session states "that if you hear gunshots, you should “rapidly run away from the gunfire to seek a position of safety”
• It turns out that city employees were all running toward the gunfire and jumping on grenades.

Snoop Dog on tv?

You look surprised. It's all part of his plan.

To turn into a suburban middle-aged white guy.

Spam used to be so bad it almost killed email. Now the filters are incredible.

Except at work, where we prefer to generate our own. It's almost like they miss spam, so they needed to do something about it.

I hear more about National Whatsit Month than actual important mail from my own team.

• Come to an all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech.
• Results of the all-employee meeting about Elephants in Tech (with attached Powerpoint presentation)
• [from team] We need to get on this
• Final Day of Elephants in Tech
• Final Thoughts on Elephants in Tech
• It's National Moth Month! Celebrate Moths in History!

So we stand highly educated on Elephants in Tech, and it makes Iqbal, my service elephant, very excited and he feels included. Unfortunately, it makes my real email hard to find and read. Hmm.... I wonder if the company is playing stupid and is trying to drive us away from email. Wow - it's sheer genius! Overload us with bullshit, eventually forcing us to ignore email completely. Wow. Just wow.

Unfortunately, we're not sure where they're pushing us. 

Meet the new boss.....

Dentist broke his patients’ teeth to make millions installing crowns, jury finds

Oh - I thought this was regular dentistry. 

Russian news network RT had its license revoked in the UK and is being thrown off networks worldwide. The really sad part of this is that I used to watch it now and then, long before the invasion, and there was a lot of truth there. One of the tricks in disinformation and misinformation is to leave some truth in. 

How a jetpack design helped create a flying motorbike

This will become fun when the flying cars start fighting with them...

Microsoft, everybody's best friend, will be retiring Internet Exploder 11 in June and replacing it with Edge (Chromium-based). This means Microsoft is seriously dropping its own faulty standard and making a new standard out of a Google product [Dr. Evil rubs his hands together and laughs... evilly].

 

Ubuntu changed its logo.

OHMIGOD - this is the greatest news since the war ended! Any war!

Nah, it's just my personal bugaboo. Style over substance. Some people seem more excited about the new wallpaper look in the new Ubuntu (or whatever) than any actual features. These are probably the same people who complain about ThermionicEmissions' colors blinding you. If you're going to complain, complain about the content. Heaven knows there's a lot to complain about.

I suppose it was inevitable... the Who are on their 43rd Final Tour, The Monkees can't tour, and I just got notice the Village People are touring. This is almost as bad as Robert Plant's man bun. I'm trying to remember an article I read about only one guy being original and the whole thing being his idea anyway. Gay men are still laughing at getting one over on the 'breeders' this time.

yeah, but who was photographing her?

That's not a Divot, it's a Small Aircraft

Your love is like  drinking bleach to kill the Flying AIDS

• Don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars. Even if you fall short, you could make it to the moon! Sadly, the nature of its atmosphere would kill you almost instantly. Have a nice day, anyway.     --Pat Sajak  [@patsajak]

Today I identify as  a CIS trans lesbian

In the Late to the Party department, the groundhog did its thing, as it is wont to do. As usual, it was horribly depressed, saw clouds, and thought about shooting itself to end the pain. It thought better because it might miss the important parts of its brain and render itself still alive, but a cripple.

Because the Sun Never Shines in Philadelphia.

I feel accomplished or something. I finally got a look down the shirt of a dental tech where I go. It was not my fault - she bent over. Naturally she wasn't the good looking one. But still... boobs is boobs.  This office is weird. Maybe because they're all skinny or size their uniforms correctly or, heaven forbid, don't want to show off their mammalian protuberances. I can't even see their faces because of the damn breathing arrestors (masks). You know the most beautiful eyes there don't show that she has a mustache. Judging from some of the arm hair, it's thicker than mine.

Don't call me sexist - every tech there is now complaining about their patients being ugly, like lefty. "Maybe he should keep his breathing arrestor ON."

While I'm waiting for my emergency dental appointment, I don't really care what they look like - just that they're really good at what they do. The tooth that hurt like hell now doesn't. The pain has migrated to a different tooth, as well as the palate. And a headache that feels like someone with an industrial drill took a 3/4" bit and has been drilling for hours. If huge amounts of ibuprofen didn't help, I'd be in the emergency room.

UPDATE 

The dentist spent too much time discovering I needed a lot more numbing than normal people, drilled a bit, and told me it had to come out. I sincerely hoped she was talking about the tooth. Afterwards, she patted me on the back and said that was it. I had to speak up, because apparently my tears weren't sufficient to get the point across. IT HURT. REALLY BADLY. I begged for ibuprofen. So they gave me acetaminophen. Which covered about 20% of the pain. At home, a handful of ibuprofen later, and I could at least function. And it hurt. Really badly. I may have to dip into my 497 sick days. I also have to remember that antibiotics can mess with birth control pills....

• Don't forget - it's Black History Month
• still no left handed history month..
• by the way - if you wish to celebrate Black History Month at work, I wouldn't go with anything but a button. Many were disciplined for wearing Mexican hats on Mexican History Month. No dreads. No fro. No rap getups. No lamp chains around your neck. Nothin. And please, God, no watermelon.

Flying AIDS News 

Community furore after police stop St Bernadette’s Glendalough church service to check masks

Ottawa Fears Vaccine Protest Has Morphed Into an Occupation

Omicron BA.2: What we know about the Covid sub-variant

Europe entering Covid pandemic 'ceasefire', says WHO

For T-cells, omicron is nothing unusual

A faulty immune response may be behind lingering brain trouble after COVID-19

I just went past a car with two occupants, both wearing masks.

These people are allowed to drive on the same roads as the rest of us.

• Woman applauded after giving birth on transatlantic flight
• Unfortunately a fight broke out because the baby wasn't wearing a mask 

The UK is spending 1.4 billion pounds (14 grams Canadian) on a Space Laser "to bolster our interests in space." Boy will they be sorry when they realize they have no interests in space.

Between the spy satellites, the communications satellites, the Chinese satellites which can literally devour other satellites (James Bond, anyone?) and the Space Lasers, we have created a Space Traffic Jam the likes of which no planet has ever seen. Yes, we militarized space, but then we took our poor road planning and traffic jams there too!

Once again, the aliens watching us are shaking their heads. No other planets or associations want to meet us because of what we've done to the planet. Their only interest is keeping us from getting out past the Moon, to do damage elsewhere. As if monitoring our television and seeing The Masked Furry wasn't enough. The gray aliens will continue to stick things up our butts and the black aliens will continue to date Kardashians. Other than that, it's Hands Off.

Speaking of which, Israel is developing a laser-based interceptor, to demolish more local threats, like drones. Even poor African nations are getting into the Space Weapons Race. The United Nations has a rotation of Space Traffic Reporters to let all countries know if they can proceed and using what routes. 

Welcome to UN radio. We'll get right back to our feature, Fauci Said I Had to Wear a Mask to Bed, after this traffic report from our ace reporter, Johnny 'Slowdown' Bugger. Johnny?

There is a bad Space Jam on planet route 95 due to volume. There is no alternate route, so expect your satellite to take quite a while to orbit. Route 87 has a four parsec backup due to a Chinese satellite with a flat antenna. We recommend using the bypass. Finally, Interplanet 78 has random slowdowns because Space Force is hiding behind internet satellites and giving out speeding tickets. Back to you, Bob.

• do you have the [whatever it takes] to wink at someone?
• much like dancing and sports, I just look stupid.

NSA watchdog finds 'concerns' with searches of Americans' communications

You had no say in a special court and they ignore it anyway. This is not the government you signed up for. Are you shocked yet?

Havana Syndrome may be caused by ‘directed energy’

A very short time after it was declared to be caused by things equivalent to swamp gas, all of the sudden it may be caused by 'directed' energy. Of course it's something like directed energy. It's what they've always done. To put it down to a psychological cause is disingenuous. 

International Space Station will plummet to a watery grave in 2031

• Expected to come down in the Pacific, maybe, but other countries are still in the running. NASA has an unofficial poll, with a $50 entry fee.
• NASA says to 'just ignore' those radioactive bits - it will dissipate in a few million years
• stay away from the Russian section - they were always short of toilet paper
• it's about the size of a football field, so if it misses the Pacific Ocean, you're pretty much screwed.
• the plant growing experiments got a little out of hand, so if one of them talks to you, you should probably leave it alone.
• does not come with the attached alien ship, batteries not included, do not fold, spindle, or mutilate, without the express written permission of the NFL

When someone with multiple personalities watches "Three Faces of Eve" or "Sybil," does it set up a feedback loop and change reality as we know it? 

Tesla should put together a weekly newspaper because of all their problems. Hey, wait, ThermionicEmissions is kinda their weekly newspaper. This week we feature the recall of 817,143 vehicles because the seatbelt chimes are rather more silent than they should be. If I owned a Tesla, I wouldn't take it back: I don't want to hear from my car if the seatbelts aren't in use. Seatbelts seem to be useful for getting caught in the door and not allowing it to close (plus holding your dead body in the car). These are particularly amusing, as they freak out if you have a dog in the seat. At twenty-some pounds, they can't decide if someone is sitting in the seat or not. 

Clear Gelatin Makes a Good Hat

 Your love is like   a disease that exists in animals and humans

Following Hertz, Uber aims for 50,000 Teslas by 2023.

Uber is taking the safer route: their Teslas will only spontaneously combust when passengers are out of the car, leaving possible death and dismemberment to the Uber drivers, which the company doesn't care about already.

I wonder if thefts of Teslas will go down for fear they will explode while being stolen.

Today I identify as  a plane pilot who feels really dizzy today

Why is it ok and semi-normal to see two women walk down the street with their arms linked or holding hands? Why can't men do this?

errr... forget I said anything

• I told my dentist that food gets caught in between two teeth. Out of curiosity, how do that fix it?
• "We pull one and make it larger."
• Good info. Nice talk. Thanks.

LIFE-SUCKING COUCH

Gather round, people, while I relate the story of the life-sucking couch.

What is a life-sucking couch, you ask?

Glad you asked.

Let's say you come to visit. Once you get over the initial shock, you manage to make it to the couch. Within 5-10 minutes, all the life is sucked out of you. You're so.. blah... that you can't conceive of getting up, no less actually performing the getting up activity.

We have done the science: if you sit in a chair, you will not blend into it. There is some smaller effect, but it falls off with the square of distance, like the danger of the neighbors hitting me with homegrown tomatoes.

So I guess if there's some high stress or an event that has you wound up, c'mon over. Ask to borrow the couch. Just be very careful about the plastic stuff. If you kick it hard enough, it goes BOOM.

The couch itself is a funny and tragically sad story, like our lives.

When we moved into our house, we hadn't thought about a couch. The parents were getting a new one, so we adopted the old one. Quite frankly, I can't remember how it got from their house to ours. I have a sneaking suspicion that it simply transported itself, so it could suck the life out of everyone at my new house. It's a pullout, so it sleeps 2 (4 if you're having a really good night). Ya know how, if you pull the cushions, you can find all sorts of things, including bodies and new dinosaur types? I don't want to say my mother was a neat freak, but the inside of the sofa was cleaner than my house, a state it maintains to this day. Except for forks, I think.

The sofa itself is now in its old age. We had to prop it up a bit. We don't have any sort of sentimental attachment to it - we just can't pull a new sofa out of our butts. Every year, for the past 10 years, we decided we'd use our tax return money for a new sofa. And every year, something else breaks, requiring all the tax return money, plus more. Last year, we went as far as a furniture warehouse to test out sofas. There were approximately, about, over, near, ohhhh... 150 couches. There was everything from fuzzy white couches to 50s style, to something that had arms that came up and looked like some sort of Intercontinental Ballistic Missile targeting sofa. We here are most concerned about back support. We also hate pillows as a back. So out of 150, I found.... .wait for it...   one. The weirdest thing about the sofa was that it wasn't the most expensive in the store. It's probably because I didn't tell them I was left handed, in which case they would have added a 25% upcharge (like the guitar companies).

So we were pretty excited about the couch. And absolutely no emergencies presented themselves to claim the tax refund. This turned out to be fortunate, as there was no return. The IRS had 'questions.' So we missed Biden's giveaways too. And the couch remains in its spot, sucking the life out of anyone who sits on it. During lunch, I have to sit in a different place, or I won't be able to return to work. If you're not careful, it can eat your life and depress you. Can you imagine returning to work after lunch, almost unable to type, with tears in your eyes? Well it's even worse if you sit on the couch.

• Windows XP is 20 years old. Yay.
• people are still using it. Boo.
• people are stupid. Yay.

Unless you are using XP to run specific software, NOT connected to the internet or your network, it might be safe. But the people who make that software really need to get off their asses and make something current. Some police scanner listeners use it because it's very difficult to use or just doesn't work in Win7 or Win10, plus they need lots of serial ports. Software authors do not like linux, so there's virtually nothing for scanners or ham radio.

The Hubble Telescope had to go into Safe Mode. Somebody needs to reboot Windows XP.

What is Eco-friendly sex?

Don't fart?

Ah, lubes, condoms, toys, and sheets that have less impact on the planet.

These folks definitely start at the bottom

How about using the pill, if you're monogamous? It has the added benefit of not allowing you to have children.

It's not that these folks don't have a point, but airplanes, manufacturing, fossil fuel.....

• I'm not going (extra) crazy. I know we bought mayonnaise last night.
• Stupid - it's by the couch.

Jeff Bezos wants to build a business park in space

Ya know, after you become a certain level of rich, you can say or do anything you want.

Joe Walsh never hit this level, but he's a musician, and completely out of his mind.

In spite of his ship sending Captain Kirk up for ten minutes of colon-busting space joy, there are several problems he hasn't addressed:

• where is everybody going to park?
• will there be supply chain difficulties?
• does everybody have to be vaccinated?
• will visitors have to wear a mask under their mask?
• are aliens welcome too?
• will there be a Victoria's Secret?
• will Picard get his chance?

The man who scraped then sold data on 178 million Faceyspaces users gets sued by Faceyspaces.

"If there's anybody stealing and monetizing your data, it's going to use US," said Lord Zuck.

• Amazon is bringing Alexa to hospitals and senior living centers
• because their data is important to steal too, and they're less likely to complain  

US surgeons successfully test pig kidney transplant in human patient

So when you call someone a pig, you have a 1/25th chance of being correct.

Patient reports loss of desire for bacon 

• I could never be a criminal - I never video myself and put it online

Google discovered a ton of data-stealing apps in its android store.

As an android user, it really pisses me off.

Unfortunately it's 2021 and users of any computing device must take privacy and security upon themselves. Don't download shitty-looking apps. Misspellings, caused by foreign authors. Stick with what you know - this is the safest way to keep your phone well. Turn off Location, which these apps stole. Remember: if it seems to good to be true, it is.

Flying AIDS news

Worried that President Joe Biden's Covid vaccine mandate for private companies could cause a mass exodus of employees, business groups are pleading with the White House to delay the rule until after the holiday season.

Moderna Chairman Noubar Afeyan indicated on Tuesday that his company's COVID-19 shot could require yearly boosters.  Shareholders partying like it's 1999,

The news report I just saw on giving your young children the shot said that there were less symptoms than those of the Flying AIDS itself. In other words, stab your kids, because no matter what the vaccine is made of, the virus is worse. That sounds like a great rationale, made by drug company executives.

Continuing Saga of Flying AIDS Stabbing

As you might remember, I couldn't get an appointment with the big box chain, Bosco, to get a mandated shot, and had to take my chances with a walk-in. Their website had everything except scheduling. I went in last night and it went swimmingly. As usual, the employees were very nice, not at all confused, did not have fangs with blood dripping from them, and there was only a short wait. I kept looking around, trying to figure out what the problem was. Maybe they didn't know I was me.

I got to do a little people-watching. There was the guy on his phone who was treating the entire store to his side of the conversation. This guy was a credit to his species, whatever his species was. When he got to the counter, still speaking LOUDLY, he barely stopped long enough to give his name, then apologized to his caller for the interruption. It's safe to assume he had parents at some point, even if they were wolves. 

I stopped by the glasses counter and found a frame I liked, sorta. I asked the girl if they had them larger, making the universal sign for BIGGER. She asked me what I meant. I'm sorry, I can't break it down any smaller (or larger).

The guy with the needle gave me the greatest medical advice I've ever received: if you tense up, it will hurt worse going in. Ummm.... the fact that I tense up means I have less control over it than I'd like. He told me to get some Tylenol, because of the flu-like symptoms the lovely unknown vaccine produces. Since we were at Bosco, I picked some up. For $19.99, I can now fill up my bathtub with Tylenol. The effects weren't bad, and I'm still deciding what to do with the additional arm that just grew. There's some potent stuff in that shot: I was in bed before 10pm. Even sleep medicine won't put me in bed before 12.

Still: those of you who voted for Biden need to pay for this.

Take Fauci's lying more seriously

• Hiker got lost in Colorado, ignored rescuer's calls because they came form unknown numbers.
• This is me. Only I'd never hike (except to the fridge).

A grandmother who sprayed neighbors with disinfectant after they coughed in her garden has been convicted of assault.

Who in their right mind would want their plants to get the Flying AIDS?  

Eleven lions test positive at the Denver Zoo.

Would you put a mask on them? 

• Dear celebrities: you might think it's a good thing to lend your name to a cause.
• meanwhile, no one wants to hear from you

Federal Government Collected Record Taxes in Fiscal 2021
$4,045,979,000,000 in taxes in fiscal 2021      

Federal spending also hit a nominal high of $6,818,158,000,000

and it's only going to go through the roof with President Taxit.

This is why I vote libertarian.

In other stupid news, Reno criminalizes possessing whips without a permit.

I wonder if this applies at the brothels, or did they have to get permits....

'Take these m-----f-----s out': Rutgers prof rails against white people while defending CRT

new name: Eskimo Pops

Obama's Face on Mars?

 Your love is like  chicken sushi

• How to stop your emails from being tracked 
• also, when the patch notices pop up on your phone from the carrier, install them 

The US Senate will probe if legislation is needed to combat cyber attacks

That should fix everything...

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that will convene an "emergency meeting" of its advisers on June 18th to discuss rare but higher-than-expected reports of heart inflammation following doses of the mRNA-based Pfizer and Moderna COVID-19 vaccines.

Much like Windows, we are the beta testers for Flying AIDS vaccines.

• A small study found laughing gas could help treat depression
• the problem is carrying around that huge cylinder everywhere you go...

Best excuse to get out of an interview goes to Nikola Tesla

  A New York Herald reporter wrote that he found the inventor sitting in a café after he had just been hit by 3.5 million volts of electricity. The reporter said that Tesla had told him that he would not be very pleasant company to be around due to the fact that he had almost died.

Today I identify as  a 40lb package of horse manure you actually pay for at Lowes

 Best headline of 2021 so far:

‘Ultimate Slip ‘N Slide’ Production Shut Down Over ‘Explosive Diarrhea’ Outbreak

I can't find my phone.

Oh.

It's not lost, it's with Wife.

Why is it with Wife?

Hers broke.

Didn't she have a warranty?

Oh yes, the phone broke two days after it ran out.

Can't she go to the phone store?

Eventually. Her priorities are not like those of normal humans. It is not mine to say anything.

Unfortunately, I lend her mine when she goes out, because if I didn't, something would happen and she'd need a phone.

So this means I'm Out of Phone a lot.

You have no idea how dependent/addicted you are to your phone until you don't have it. Alarm clock, radio, email, surgery, browsing....

But then it gets really bad: I had to give her my lock code. She now has access to my entire phone. Have I mentioned that my phone is where I keep some of my more exotic videos and material?

But I think this is where I have the shoe on the other hand: my phone is pretty locked down and very weird. Normal humans could not use it for anything more than a phone or text. You can't even surf the web without knowing how I have it set up. So I'm hoping this is so annoying, she will get so aggravated, she'll get out for a new phone and I'll get mine back.

Sure, it'll work exactly like that.

It would probably be faster to get myself a new phone.

United Healthcare plans to deny ER bills if it doubts you had an emergency

The rollout is delayed but this will get ugly. If it goes into place, rest assured the other insurers will follow suit. 

Mr Smith, we're very sorry for your E/R visit. Unfortunately we've decided that your smashed testicles did not constitute an emergency, therefore we will not pay the claim. You are responsible for the entire $35,497 bill. How's that for a kick in the balls?

Low Taxes Brought Ireland Prosperity. A Global Tax Deal Now Threatens It.

Hang on.... do you mean to tell me the government getting into your pocket less means prosperity?

Hmmmmm..... if I weren't a libertarian already, would I know this? Contrast this with Biden's Ultimate Tax Grab.

• a Philadelphia woman was charged with drunk driving and found to have 7 kids in the car
• this way she'll take out either another car and/or 7 kids. Good planning. No seat belts.

 

$1.2 million worth of cocaine washes ashore at Cape Canaveral Space Force Station

When asked for comment, the Navy said, "We have to fund this boondoggle somehow..."

New Jersey school district removes names of all holidays from school calendar

didn't want to offend anybody 

What about Christmas?

Offends the Jews
Independence Day?

Offends the illegal aliens and the British 

President's Day?

presidents had slaves 

Thanksgiving, Surely Thanksgiving is safe....

native americans 

We could solve this really quickly by telling the district they can remove the holidays entirely or leave the names there.

One of the solutions to traffic jams is the flying car. 

The cars are still years out. Another roadblock, as it were, is fitting weapons to them so you can shoot the idiot in the next flying car because she cut you off.



RIP Lauren Kaye Scott (27), adult film name Dakota Skye.

No official cause of death yet, drugs suspected.

We're watching our favorite rock stars age out. This is something we do not want with pr0n stars

I've heard people say, upon a death, "At least he won't be in pain anymore."

This is just one of tens of incredibly stupid things to say when somebody dies

• She's in a better place
• He's with God
• I hope he found what he was looking for
• let us pray
• is there any pepperoni?

My best thought for a funeral party (thus far) is a Hawaiian shirt party.

Everybody shows up for pizza and anyone who wants to speak tells a story of the absolute most embarrassing thing I said or did. The most cringeworthy. That time I silenced an entire room with something inadvertently. There is no shortage of material here. Just about anybody I've said anything to could contribute a line. The laughter will help everyone. 

I suspect none of it will matter to me.

Maybe mass cards (I'm not Catholic) with pictures and biographies of rock stars (or pr0n stars).

I'd donate my body to medical science, but my heirs are terrified it will come back.

We'll Have a Gay Old Time?

 Your love is like  an audience with a very unhappy Saddam Hussain

I'll bet you were so busy with your daily routine that you didn't know the Flying AIDS and Cancer were cured! They must have been: there are new iOS emojis and a Friends reunion.

Today I identify as  an old sunroof that leaks on everybody in the car

Bad business ideas: the pasta pillow

• In the You're Kidding department, a UN study indicates working a 55 hour week increases the risk of death
• Congress has taken this seriously and has shrunken its 45 day work year to 30

I just got done watching the 60 Minutes segment on UFO/UAPs. I was very interested to see what would be gone over, and perhaps, revealed. My immediate sense is that there was nothing new... however, it brought the current information to the public, who otherwise wouldn't investigate or care.  So I guess the purpose was to take away the giggle factor and continue to lay the groundwork for..... something.

Reminder: the effort to study UFO/UAPs is alleged to have started when Harry Reid got $22 million approved. In reality, we have been studying them since before 1947 at Roswell. The information is given to some agency, then disappears. The Harry Reid show is dog and pony. When we find out where years and years of information went, we'll know who has been studying it all along. The group is pretty well compartmented, when even the president and Congress can't get at it.

Continue to watch carefully and skeptically.

Remember MOVE, when a city literally bombed its residents and burned down the block?

Oops - remains marked for cremation were still around, from 1985, in cold storage. Philly's Medical Examiner office is very nervous.

• Eric Clapton lashed out at lockdown and vaccine propaganda, after his vaccine caused temporary paralysis of his hands and legs.

A self-driving taxi got stuck in traffic in Chandler, Arizona. When the service team showed up to repair it, it escaped and blocked a three-lane road. [Who wants to go to the doctor?] 

Told you so.

It's a great idea but it's Not Ready for Prime Time.

And the public is carrying a bullseye on its ass.

We can't let a week go by without more fascinating Tesla news. In this case, it's Tesla driver news. A man was arrested by the CHP for being in the back seat of his Tesla, with no one in the driver's seat. Shortly after being released from jail, he was pulled over for the same thing. Tesla is the modern day Darwin.

• US airlines may start weighing passengers at the gate.
• what could possibly go wrong?
• who could possibly be offended?
• stay tuned for the hilarity!

a Space Force lieutenant colonel was jettisoned after he made remarks critical of the US military on a conservative podcast. But at least we have those spiffy new uniforms.

• Acclaimed British author Richard Cohen's new book on historians is cancelled in the US amid backlash at him for 'not including enough black academics'
• Acclaimed British author Ignatz Dumbweezle's new book on the Apollo space program is cancelled in the US amid backlash at him for 'not including enough black astronauts.'  Dumbweezle tried to explain that the Apollo program didn't have a black astronaut, but they were having none of it.

In Montana, drug-sniffer dog Karma alerted 100% of the time. Some handlers refer to their dogs as "probable cause on four legs."  Local, state, and federal authorities have netted more than $68 billion in civil forfeiture, starting with a bad search. Think about that.

• Here's a nice nugget for your next party: did you know there is a Socialist Rifle Association?

The Microsoft board decided Bill Gates had to go because of a relationship with a staffer.

Still not punished for Windows 

• The most recent Saturday Night Live had the worst ratings ever (3.5 million)
• hmm.... why could that be?

Hugs are coming back. Not everyone is thrilled.

Why would they be? Huggers are the most annoying forms of life, aside from life insurance salesmen. Compulsive huggers should be forced to attend programs.

We all have a personal space radius - mine is 20' in all directions. Having this radius breached should set off loud alarms; so loud it stuns the attempted hugger back to reality and helps them realize not everyone wants their clammy paws all over them. Just because I exist isn't an excuse for you to touch me. I may agree to a handshake, which is a start. Perhaps you can hold out your hand to see if I go for a handshake, then ask if a hug would be ok. Better yet, just assume no one wants a hug and go from there. After you get out of jail for excessive hugging, you should be forced to wear a large sign (or tattoo), that says "WARNING: Hugger" so people can get a head start on you. If you even get invited to parties, you have the effect of chasing everybody around the room because they don't want to be hugged. What kind of mental defect do you have that tells you everyone wants a hug from you, and that a hug is somehow a good thing? Right next to your Free Hugs booth is my Shots Upside Your Head with a Sledgehammer booth. It's not free... people pay me $1 to hit you upside the head when you try to hug them.

EDIT: if the hugger is Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones), forget everything I said

Credit where it's due: China just landed on Mars

Uh-oh: it gave the Rover the Flying AIDS

Target just joined Walmart, Costco, and Trader Joe's in dropping mask requirements for vaccinated people.  Each store will have a full staff of medical people to determine whether or not you got the shot and will put a tattoo on your forehead. They claim it's temporary. But who minds trading the mask for a bright new tattoo? At least you can breathe. If it is determined you lied, Security will throw you out of the store bodily. If you can't remember, they will check your medical records, do extensive blood work, and an anal probe. *The anal probe isn't necessary, they just like giving them, plus it shows you're serious about shopping there.

• CCTV footage shows the wife of Belgium's ambassador to South Korea assaulting shop staff in Seoul. She claims diplomatic immunity.
• Funny, that's what my wife says every time she slaps me.

As China and US population falls, what can they do to encourage people to procreate?

• why do we need more of them?
• state-sponsored alcohol or vouchers to bars
• Procreation Bars
• free state procreating facilities
• discount on alcohol over 2 pints
• billboards: Do Your Patriotic Duty - Fsck!
• Make a little tax writeoff now!

The world's first GMO mosquitoes were released in the Florida Keys. The idea is to mate with existing mosquitoes and render them sterile. There was a lot of pushback, but naturally, they were released anyway. Currently, they have zeroed in on their targets and are mating with alligators all over the area.

Ebay is banning hentai and closing the site's Adults Only section "in the interest of safety". 

I must be stupid, because I can't figure out what adult products have to do with safety.

Another one of those days. The only thing is, I haven't had them like this lately. Things have calmed down since I converted to the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. No, wait, maybe it was just staying in due to the Flying AIDS. Yeah, that's it.

It was Tax Time, and we linux users were screwed, as usual. For the past couple of years, I used a product that rhymes with BlurboTax. I had to run it in a Win 7 virtual machine because we don't do Windows. This year's edition won't run on Win 7, so screwed again. No choice but to do them online, via BlurboTax's website.

The thing moved quickly, but was disingenuously-worded and full of ads for their services. When I checked out, it charged me $40 for my state return, which I explicitly told it I didn't want done. I was not happy, and when I say not happy, I mean the dog freaked out and RAN. I talked to them on the phone, and the nice lady put me through to a supervisor. This should have been my first clue. She explains to me that the extra $40 was not for e-filing the state, it was for preparing the state. Nowhere on the site does it explain this. Further, the actual Windows version of their software does not operate like this. I honestly tried to hold my inner Satan back... it wasn't her fault and I don't abuse people on phones or in restaurants. Apparently the threat of Satan did something and they're going to refund me the extra. Of course it's been 6 hours and I haven't received the email......

Mrs. lefty came in from errands. SOME MF'ER HIT MY CAR.

It was a ding and a scrape. Naturally no one left a note... they just hit it and drove away.

This car is virtually new. For most of my life, I've never had a new, or an unblemished car. The last car was unblemished, for the first 6 months, then assholes started coming out of the woodwork to hit it. I kid you not - there were around a dozen accidents. The car was an asshole magnet. Now here we are, 4 months into this beautiful car and BANG SCRATCH. 

It's gonna take a lot of ice cream to salvage this day.

Ice cream and sex. 

I'll definitely get ice cream.

*Fun Fact: the income tax was temporary, during a war. Now the income tax is permanent, as is war.

Neon Insanities

 Your love is like  feral wombats

The House is currently brawling over vaccines. Naturally they have their own supply, but the bickering is fun. Some haven't reported getting the shot, some won't get the shot, some like to watch things burn, and the rest of them are banging gavels and asking when they can get back to screwing America in person

• No, the toothbrush is not heavier after it's charged

Today I identify as  some sort of delicacy involving testicles

The Netherlands (anywhere under my first girlfriend's clothes) and Ireland have suspended use of the Astra/Zeneca vaccine over blog clots (and blood clots). At this point there is no direct connection between the vaccine and the blood clots, other than people began clotting and had cerebral hemorrhages after they got jabbed.

The Big Answer came from the Vatican over gay marriage: in a two page explanation published in seven languages and approved by the pope was "No". The answer prompted shock among Catholics and non-Catholics the world over. The explanation was that they could not bless sin.

Still nothing on child molestation.

• An anti-mask airline passenger was charged after urinating in the cabin
• the passenger demanded his money back from the Donald Trump School of Charm

In San Antonio, TX, a ramen noodle shop was vandalized days after its owner spoke out against ending the state's mask mandate.

There is a ramen noodle shop? 

• a Florida woman pretending to be a plastic surgeon was arrested after a bad nose surgery
• there was a person in the chair when the police made the arrest, but the janitor came in and finished the surgery.

Today the president  planned the first major federal tax hike since 1993.

Allegedly over 50% of you voted for the old guy, and now I have to pay. Thank you very much.

Strip the pork out of the government, THEN we'll talk tax increase. There is not a responsible bone in any body in DC. Tax and spend and tax. And you keep voting for them. The libertarians would be slashing government, not raising taxes.

• The Oscar nominations are out.

Survey says!

The average single is masturbating three times a day amid the Flying AIDS lockdown. 3 in 10 are masturbating more than once a day. Only 14% are doing it once a day. 34% had their best orgasm ever. I'll buy all these statistics, but the one about 26% saying they're watching more pr0n is just silly. On average, singles haven't had sex with someone else for over 4 months. Married people are saying, "Only four months?".

America's Governor, Andrew Cuomo, reports he is not getting it at all, in spite of allegations from most of female New York. His ex wife slept in a locked bathroom during their divorce. The dogs ran when he got home. The housekeepers wore chastity belts. His garbage got picked up at 1am if there were female sanitation engineers working that night. Biden and Pelosi have stopped short of calling for his resignation (because his name isn't Trump). 

Kentucky continues its reaction to being last on the best states to live list.

The state senate approved a bill that would make insulting a police office a crime. Some senate members were deeply offended, claiming it was unconstitutional. Let's see... is it legal to talk to the police? Of course it is. Is it legal to say less pleasant things? Well, yes, but proving your point will probably earn you a night in jail or a ticket for something or other. The bill's sponsor is a former policeman. His next bill will make jaywalking a death penalty crime.

I always wanted to make not using turn signals a death penalty crime. No free speech issues there.

• The NCAA has called foul on a Virginia Urology ad campaign. Apparently "Vasectomy Mayhem" is too close to "March Madness" and people are too stupid to understand the difference. 
  
• It looks like Vasectomy Mayhem could do us some good

Breonna Taylor anniversary protest marches happened.

During the peaceful events, 2 protesters tried to destroy a police car and got run over because the car decided it was mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore. Several businesses in Hollywood were 'protested'. Yet another peaceful protester smashed up an outdoor seating area of a restaurant. Armed protesters blocked traffic in Louisville, and arson is suspected after a fire in a vacant church.

Peaceful protests have broken out in Tigray, where hospitals have been vandalized and looted, almost collapsing the healthcare system.

• DMT, a powerful psychedelic, is being tested as a potential cure for depression in England
• By coincidence, untold numbers of people are coming out as depressed

The National Transportation Safety Board blasted the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration for its permissive regulation of driver-assistance systems, specifically Tesla. Foregoing mention of the Tesla's propensity to burst into flames, they were more concerned about lax safety practices. The National Safety Traffic Board called out the National Transportation Board Administration for no practices at all and the National Driver-Assistance Explosion Agency was born. It will report to the National Highway Plane Landing Bureau, for safety programs when damaged planes try to land on highways. Land with the traffic, not against it.

• Live music is coming back to New York. Musicians are serenading passers-by from inside abandoned shops, through the glass windows.
• right after they pull Governor Cuomo off any female band members

We have Ebola. That's right, there's an outbreak in Guinea. Guinea is located just south of New Guinea. Genetic study shows the virus may have hidden in a survivor for 5-6 years. The unnamed man/woman came down with Ebola 5-6 years ago and was vaccinated with the Astra/Zeneca/Pfizer vaccine, which appeared to neutralize the Ebola. Little did they realize it was hiding behind the left kidney. When doctors checked to make sure the Ebola vaccine was effective, it moved behind a lung, until x-rays were ordered, at which point it hid under the right big toe. Whenever you see a discoloration under a nail, it's Ebola, hiding. You never know when it's going to pounce, but you will know when it has pounced. You start to bring up your internal organs (and toenails) through your nose and mouth, going into an infinite loop and infecting everyone around you and their toe or fingernails. It is always best to avoid people bringing up their liquefied internal organs, per the National Highway Safety Association.

• another thing I love about MS Outlook: when it brings up an email under the main window and you can't bring it forward
• I was only 15 minutes late for work today because of the Windows virus. All I needed to do was start the machine up. HA! One doesn't just start up a machine... there are tests... checks.. updates.. calls to Aunt Marge.. I shall just have to get up 30 minutes earlier in case Windows occurs.

I don't get this: Chinese smartphone manufacturer Xaomi was put on the Huawei (ban) list by the government and sued. There is a temporary hold on the ban. The company said the ban was "arbitrary and capricious," and deprived the company of its due process.

Errr.... what due process is a manufacturer owed? Huawei was banned because we don't want Chinese Spying Stuff in our networking gear. It was the right decision by Trump. Why, now, can't we make that decision elsewhere? What am I missing?

If you use SKY ECC for your encrypted messaging, you had better stop. Belgium and the Netherlands broke the encryption and monitored 70,000 users. The CEO was arrested under Racketeering laws. Essentially he was arrested because his secure messaging service was used by criminals and wasn't secure enough to keep governments out.

They will not stop til they have everything. Almost everything isn't good enough. For the time being, use protonmail.com. We are doing nothing wrong by wanting the privacy guaranteed us by the Constitution. Also: don't say anything in email you wouldn't say out loud. Somebody is or will be listening.

• A Faceyspaces study says a small group plays a big role in pushing vaccine skepticism. How did they discover this? By looking at your posts. They will not stop mining you. Will you stop letting them?

It's the little stuff, always.

I'm watching a Britcom called Raised by Wolves. I didn't really want to hear the songs I heard until "Show Me the Way" by Peter Frampton. It was the studio version off the Frampton album. Give it a listen - you'll hear a lot of the songs from  'Comes Alive' and a few more. Great stuff. Old stuff.

Glass of Water for Mr. Grainger

Your love is like bunyons

 

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale....

I saw more news coverage of Dawn Wells dying than peace in the Middle East.

And while we're at it, Bond Girl and Mrs. Pinciotti (70s Show) Tanya Roberts has left the building. 

BUT WAIT... her representative, who said she had died, now says she's still alive, but "It does not look good."

ThermionicEmissions remains flummoxed that people still have difficulty telling the difference between alive and dead. It doesn't require a medical degree: sometimes you can tell by, you know.... heartbeat.

HOSPITAL: she's in ICU

REP: she's dead

HOSPITAL: she's not dead

REP: it doesn't look good

HOSPITAL: we're beginning to see a recovery

REP: the recovery was temporary and short-lived

HOSPITAL: she's out of ICU

REP: It won't be long now

HOSPITAL: she's recovering, we sent her home with medicine

REP: she has gone home to die

Monty Python/Eric Idle: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD

AND FINALLY: Tanya Roberts has expired, per her boyfriend.

Because if he didn't know, who would? 

So hey - how is the USPS delivery of your packages coming, lefty?

Still 1 promising that it's coming - the USPS just doesn't know where it is.

The other, the USPS just gave up and doesn't send notices anymore.

I feel bad canceling my purchases...

• Tesla delivered a record 500,000 vehicles in 2020
• aside from bursting into flames, they're great cars 

Mainstream or Pr0n: Devil in Salem, Building "Java" Programs, Feluda.Pherot-Chhinnomostar.obhishap

Today I identify as a monocle

A giant black hole keeps evading detection and scientists can't explain it

I'm telling you, it's the aliens: "Hey DJ#&@NS%, move the black hole. Daily. That'll confuse the hell out of them."

• China did a great job, bringing back samples from the Moon. Joe Biden is worried that they also exported the Flying AIDS to the Moon. Future American astronauts will be required to wear masks.

the Atlantic's executive editor penned a scathing warning that vast social networks like Facebook "can harm society just by existing..."

But there aren't enough moderators speaking enough languages, working enough hours, to stop the biblical flood of shit that Facebook unleashes on the world

and I've been saying this for how long? 

But this person's ideas aren't going to work, because if you put a windshield or a keyboard in front of a person, you get Instant Asshole<tm>. A plea to 'play nice' won't go very far, nor will a place where niceness is enforced.

• Research on finishing a project once you start it shows that you need to cut your goals in half.
• We could have told them that. If you set your goal halfway, not to finish things, you'll be successful 92% of the time.

Remember how I used to say, "It's not a heart attack, it's a cardiac event?" The press is using it now.  It's getting to the point where I want to get paid for this stuff.

• As if the Flying AIDS isn't bad enough, Microsoft is planning 'sweeping visual rejuvenation of Windows to show that Windows is BACK'
• That's about right. One of the many problems with Win 10 is the complete redesign to fool users - hey, let's hide everything! Why not again? Microsoft keeps its fingers on the pulse of the world, to make sure they're doing something else.

My coworkers are all back from vacation. I can tell this because nothing is getting done. No, wait, that tells me nothing...their in-office indicators tell me they're back in. I'm not saying I do a lot of work: I'm saying they don't do a lot of work.

Dear lefty 

• My girlfriend and I are in love. We plan to marry next year, but she insists on holding out til then. My entire body is blue. What to do?
• ghb you 2 need to have a serious conversation, maybe some counseling. What kind of anachronism is she? What if you find out she lays there like a dead fish? These are the kinds of things you need to know before you get stuck together for life. If all else fails, tell her you're having 'pretend sex' - that way you didn't really have sex and she'll be ok til the wedding

There is a new prototype of the largest wind turbine ever - 4/5 the size of the Empire State Building. What gives me an industrial mega-wedgie is that there are guys required to get on top of the pole to attach the propellor. That's beyond scary. If this thing ever hits you, there won't even be a small red splotch on the prop to pull some DNA.

In related news, the Empire State Building is damn tired of being used for measurement. It says there are taller buildings - use them. It's old and just wants to live out its time quietly.

"A woman is dead after the car she was traveling in crashed .."

"Investigators say the driver failed to make the turn, hitting a pole head-on."

Doesn't sound like the car crashed at all, does it? Cars get all the blame. Or maybe the GPS told her to take the next pole.

RIP driver.

Another market being killed by the Flying AIDS is cocaine, although people are smoking more weed. Yet another example of how businesses are hurt by mandatory closures. Maybe one of those food delivery services can pitch in... 

Hello, Food Hub.

Where can I order from?

McDonalds, KFC, Olive Garden, or Dr. Ron's

Dr. Ron's?

Yeah, the doctor makes you feel better.

Does Dr. Ron's have fries?

Most people order Dr. Ron's and McDonalds.

How much do you charge for delivery?

$5 for McDonalds, $25 for Dr. Ron's, for bail.

Speaking of 5G, a bunch of people were convinced that Bill Gates was going to put a 5G chip in them; a schematic of the chip was provided. After a little study, the schematic turned out to be for a guitar pedal, the Boss Metal Zone. What a cool idea - the voices in your head can be all distorted. The only problem is that distorted vocals are almost unintelligible. We suggest you stick to the unmodified voices.

• Definition of Unsettling: during a 1 man space flight, a Chinese astronaut heard banging on the outside of the capsule. Fortunately it was not accompanied by Let Me In.

Let's stop the horrible news and get on to something arty: a 33 metre (4.5 gram) vagina sculpture in Brazil has the right pretty pissed off, so to speak. Man, you could get lost in there for days...

The CIA is rebranding to attract more diverse operatives.

So now if your government falls, or important people have 'heart attacks,' it may be because of a more diverse employee at the CIA. 

The Philly 76ers are ahead in their division. 

• Half of Philly said WHO?
• Half of Philly said Are they our minor league soccer team?
• 1/3 of Philly said And this matters why?
• I said Who cares about football? 

The only reason I know this is that I saw it on Channel 69 Sports. 

I saw it on 69! I saw it on 69! I'll never get tired of saying that.