Where is the Central Scrutinizer when you need him?

Your love is like  a cluster of kidney stones

The Air Force’s Drones Can Now Recognize Faces. Uh-Oh.

Isn't that nice? Technology helps the Spy State. But think of the satellites!

Today I identify as  a Girl Scout. Several Girl Scouts.

They say that during certain events, time slows down.

Turns out they're right. I noticed this the other night, attempting to ascend stairs with a large, damp load of laundry. A few steps up, time slowed down as I realized I was going to go backwards, down the steps, without touching any of them. Perhaps I was jealous of Wife's attempt to punish concrete with her head, so I took a shot at it.

I was aware of everything. I had a lot of thoughts, which is sometimes odd for me. Of course I can't remember what any of them were, but I'm sure they were pithy and worthy of thought. I did wonder what sort of damage I'd do to the concrete. I felt each body part hit the floor. Mostly I was worried I might not be around to celebrate Black History Month, which Work notified us of a few hundred times. 

As my adventure ground to a halt, I was pleasantly surprised my cranium did not attempt to damage the floor. A lot of my thinkin' goes on in there. Well, the thinkin that doesn't happen in my butt or my genitals. Mostly I was proud that I was still holding onto the laundry and had not dropped a single damp piece. Because you know that as soon as I brought it up, I would be told it's too damp - take it downstairs and run it through the dryer again. Barring any fatal future falls, I will be here for the entirety of Black History Month. Still no Left Handed History Month.

Which reminds me... my email filters at work seem to be failing, as I got a Black History Month email. Maybe because it was one from one of the Head Honchos. I have all announcements sent to the dump, perhaps by one person. It would be most unfortunate if she sent out an email titled FIRE FIRE - EVACUATE, and I didn't see it because all her emails go to trash. None of this has anything to do with my job, including Nepalese History Month.

Still no Left Handed History Month.

Hey, if you're a T-Mobile customer, here's some news for you:

Hackers Claim They Breached T-Mobile More Than 100 Times in 2022

T-Mobile admitted to 2 breaches, so that's about right.

I'd change to a different carrier if I were you.

"Come to T-Mobile, where our prices are great and our security... isn't."

I know you're sitting there, wondering if the Oscars will be safe for Chris Rock this year,  Worry no more - the Oscar people have put a security team in place for all emergencies. They've trained for all eventualities, except real emergencies, like earthquakes and the refreshment counters being out of Diet Pepsi.

This tool lets you see how much time and money is wasted commuting

It does not let you see how much time and money is wasted playing with the tool.

Every now and then I feel sorry for someone I can't stand or fail to get.

Today's person is Justin Bieber.

He's got some facial paralysis from shingles. He got shingles from a defective chickenpox shot when he was a child. Wanna bet the pox vaccine manufacturer pays for this? 

Because I feel bad for him, I won't even say anything about him desperately wanting to be black, but getting religion instead (because they're so closely related). The sad part is that he plays left handed. I bet he has less trouble getting guitars than I do.

Conversations with my dog 

Me: Why do you stand on Mommy's head in the middle of the night?

Her: to get her to take me outside.

Me: Do you have to go outside?

Her: Not usually.

Me: Then why do you do it?

Her: Just to see if she'll wake you.

Me: She doesn't

Her: That's why I sometimes sleep on your chest.

Kansas’ rights bill angers left with its definition of ‘woman’

The republicans are at it (again). This time they want an objective definition of woman, specifically to preserve single-sex areas such as public restrooms, school sports, prisons and shelters. Strangely, the measure is opposed by transgender rights advocates. Who saw that coming?

“It simply says that in existing statute or law, where there is a definition of sex, it means biological male and female as determined at birth.

Reps claim it's factual and objective. Cuz they're always looking out for us and making things.. uh... easier. Yeah, that's it, easier. Again, nothing better to do. If their work is done, send them home. The silliest argument from the Control Side is that trans people will go to the 'wrong' restroom and perform bad physical acts, not having anything to do with excretion. My last job, at the Twilight Zone, actually allowed this.The end result was everybody using their originally assigned restroom. Some of the women were worried. Your coworker is more concerned with his full bladder than anything you have in or on you. The most vocal opponents were the people who were... be polite... least likely to be 'assaulted.' I was in favor of women in the men's rooms. It would be pretty funny watching them use the urinals. As if one single female ever walked in that door, no matter how long the line at the ladies'. I didn't care who came in the men's room - it didn't affect the point of my visit. We had one lady who complained about something or other going on in the men's room. I suggested not looking in there. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best solution.

What do you suppose would happen if the bill went through and a man identifying as a woman was put in with all the men. I could see things going bad quickly. That's a genuine concern for safety. It also bothers me when women insist on being Boy Scouts. Yes, they won a lawsuit, giving them the right to be groped too, but you'll notice no suit allowing boys to be Girl Scouts. I'd go for that job, but they would want to alter the uniform in spots (even if I identified as female). Plus all the cookies I can eat sell. Sports? I don't want to see anybody get hurt, which essentially means football should be shut down altogether. I guess if there were no female team and the girl was of the same weight class. And she could give as good as she got, because there would be razzing/hazing.They definitely won't be making her wear her jock strap on her head. They'll have to have breast pads made, because she'll constantly be tackled from the breasts. On the other hand, she could completely divert attention while her team scores.

In any case, this is just another example of the religious party wanting to control everything. These are usually the people caught doing what they complained about. (see Television Evangelists). 5 years after the bill passes, one of the male sponsors will be caught, crossdressed, in the ladies' room. The worst part will be that he just didn't pull it off well; he made a very unattractive woman.

Reps/Dems - 2 sides of the same warped coin.

Speaking of which, the reps should be all over this:

Pregnant US inmate seeks jail release because fetus is ‘innocent’

Stupid and ballsy. You have to give her credit. She claims the fetus is being 'held unlawfully.'

The state should countersue because she put the fetus in danger when she allegedly murdered a woman.

This is like a soap opera. Court TV can cover it, with their highest ratings since OJ (has he found the killer yet?).  The father-to-be hired the attorney on behalf of the fetus. I don't know about you, but I want to hear the attorney's conversations with the fetus. Perhaps it will just take the fifth on everything.

Keeping firearms out of easy reach key to preventing military suicides

There's so much here, we'll have to break it down.

• Rather than dealing with the cause of military suicides, we'll hide the guns
• Hey, isn't the military supposed to be armed? Captain, our troops are being slaughtered on the battlefield. Why? Because we took away their guns so they wouldn't commit suicide. Wait, we took away their guns so they wouldn't commit suicide with them. They're free to commit suicide by running out onto the battlefield unarmed. Sir, something's wrong with this, but I can't put my finger on it.
• Recommendations included raising the purchase age to 25 on bases. So people under 25 will have to find a different way to kill themselves.
• a seven-day waiting period to purchase a gun. So they have to wait 7 days to kill themselves.
• another four-day waiting period to purchase ammunition. Because we're going to just disregard the 2nd Amendment.
• The levels this research went to were deep, and deeply flawed. When civilians try to suicide, we don't hide the medicines or steak knives. They get counseling. But I guess when you give people guns and tell them to KILL, stuff just happens. We only value our human assets while they're employed. Afterwards, it's their problem.
• VP Kamila Harris said that only people of color should be allowed to have guns on base
• UC Berkeley said they're not happy with guns, especially if Jews have them.

Like most things in life, there is a corresponding Monty Python sketch, which I can't find on video.

I'd like to leave the army, sir.

Why, Jenkins?

It's dangerous, Sir. 

Why did you join the army in the first place?

For the travel, Sir. 

One of the paltry few rock radio stations here announced their weekend program, which is Greatest Rock Singers. Hmmm... who are the greatest and what's the criteria - range, tightness of clothes, biggest bulge, most groupies? Ok, I'll take a shot...in no particular order, and you'll disagree...

1. Robert Plant
2. Gregg Allman
3. Joe Cocker
4. Freddie Mercury (Queen)
5. Paul Rodgers (Bad Company)
6. Ann Wilson (Heart)
7. Sass Jordan
8. Janis Joplin
9. Delbert McClinton
10. Susan Tedeschi (Tedeschi Trucks)

It should really be called Favorite Singers. If you haven't heard some of the above, check them out on YouTube. A great side effect of the 'contest' is that we can check out some singers we might not know about.

Dear Pennsylvania Voters 

You think I'm just a conspiracy theorist. Here's some solid information. I'll present it to you in order.

John Fetterman was Governor Tom Wolf's lieutenant, advocating lockdowns and arbitrary 'essential' businesses during The Flying AIDS panic. This alone should preclude voting for him.

Fetterman runs against Dr. Oz, who tried to blitz Fetterman about his poor health.

Fetterman said his health was not a problem, in halting stroke-affected speech.

People hated Oz so much, they voted for Fetterman. Or they hated republicans so much. Or both.

Oops, Fetterman was hospitalized twice in the 6 weeks since the election, one for lightheadedness, one recently on the recommendation of Congress' attending physician.

Fetterman has privately acknowledged that his health is worse than he publicly acknowledged.

In other words, he lied. And got into office. Usually the liars and thieves don't get caught this early in their terms. Impeach.

His wife, best described as his staunch supporter, defender, and pit bull, took the kids and went to Canada, as of the most recent hospitalization, perhaps to avoid the press. 

We wish him the best of health and hope for a full recovery. And we want him out of office.

The Case of the Materializing Hair

I found a hair.

Woody Allen starts his hysterical routine about a moose this way: 
"I shot a moose."


I carried my laptop from the office to the living room. A few minutes later, there was a hair on it. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, as the people and the (former) pets had lots of it. There are no more pets but there is obviously still hair. Also, I cannot rule out that an elephant has been through the place, dropping off one small hair on my laptop, just because I didn't see it.

Upon examination, the hair was not human in origin. How do I know this? Technically I don't, but I've seen enough hair (usually in the vacuum) to tell the difference. As yet, I haven't been called to testify in court as an Expert Hair Witness. This is a shame, as they get the Big Bucks.

How does one describe a hair? I might as well sing an aria about avoiding super glue as a lubricant to a deaf person.

Ok, maybe not that bad....
Human hair is round, more or less. This was flat. Very flat. Calista Flockhart flat. It also had a pointed tip, like a sword, in case its owner needed to defend himself with a pointed hair. Down at the bottom, it had a lot of little 'spikes' or feathering. It was stiff. On this basis, I assume it isn't human. As it is not currently attached to its former owner, I'm at a bit of a loss. I'm also at a bit of a loss as to how it got there. It doesn't look particularly aerodynamic and seems like it wouldn't be blown around like a human hair. I've never seen one before, and hair doesn't usually materialize on my laptop unless it comes directly from me. If this came from me, it wasn't there when I moved the laptop.

Since this is a completely minor and bizarre matter, I needed to follow it up post haste, using all of my attention (such as it is) and whatever resources I could bring to bear on the matter. I got my top people on it, with emails going right out to The President's Committee on Hair Identification, as well as England's Ministry of Hair That Feathers a Bit Near the Bottom. While I waited for inspiration and emails, I did what most humans on the planet do: no, not nap.. I went to the internet.

What kind of query do you put into a search engine for hair? The results are not going to be pretty regardless. I used "hair identification," which provided 1,237 links to finding out what type of hair you have on your head, so you can style and care for it properly. Later today, I'll start seeing ads for hair care products while I surf, and wonder why.

One interesting link was how to figure out whether it's human or animal.
This turned out to be a scholarly discussion on putting the found hair next to a known people or animal hair and seeing if it looks the same. If I say I already thought about this, will I be eligible for a Nobel Prize?

The next link had some real promise: it was from the FBI's Forensic Science Communications, entitled Microscopy of Hair Part II: A Practical Guide and Manual for Animal Hairs. You can tell this is reliable information because it has a lot of words in the title, even though the largest word only has four syllables. They start by examining hairs under a microscope, noting cells, and comparing. Nowhere does it mention shape or deal with the hair outside the cells. This is Real Science<tm> and I'm excited that I'll find an answer, even if the Ministry of Hair That Feathers a Bit Near the Bottom fails to get back to me.

Astute observers will astutely observe that I do not have a microscope. I have a telescope, which is close, right? Same basic principle... it makes things bigger... Since the telescope will require the assistance of a Telescope Detector and a dump truck to find, I continued on. There's a small bit on what could be feathering, but naturally is called coronal scales or spinous scales. I think this is a dead end, as the picture of the Free-Tailed Bat hair didn't bear any resemblance.  Nor did mink, ginger, or ovoid bodies in cattle/human/canine hair. Fortunately the next section, "Animal Versus Human Hairs" held promise.

Animal hairs are grouped into three different types (guard, wool, tactile, and nose) but all any pet owner knows is the type that fouls the vacuum, requiring small scissors and an intricate surgery that run 37 minutes.

I'm going to seriously foul up Real Science<tm> here and assume that it did not belong to the groups covered, those being Deer Family and Antelope, White Tailed and Mule deer, Caribou, and Woody Allen's Moose. Also out were rabbit, seal, mink, muskrat, chinchilla, raccoon, and red fox (although I loved him in Sanford and Son). To be honest, the closest I saw was beaver. There are no beaver in the area because Beaver College had to change its name. When you went to look it up online, 'beaver' produced all kinds of interesting results. Ruling out these results contaminates the science. Who says a giraffe didn't walk past the laptop and deposit the hair in question? It's a possibility, as the living room ceiling is higher than the office.

The article concludes with three items, which I will paraphrase:

1. if the questionable hair looks like a known hair, you can conclude that it looks like your known hair
2. If the questionable hair doesn't look like a known hair, you can't say it's the same species as the known hair (unless it came from a Kardashian).
3. if the questionable hair looks like a known hair in some places but doesn't in other places, it can possibly be from Kanye, which is as close to a Kardashian as you'd ever care to be.

To no one's surprise, the FBI was of no help at all.

I did learn that it's best not to blow dry my type of hair and that you can wholesale human hair from China. Body parts too, as I hear it.

An article called Alopecia: Types of Hair Loss and How to Identify Them was also of no assistance. Just change the name to MY FUCKING HAIR'S FALLING OUT!!!  

Not sure How to tell if Brazilian hair is real is helpful either, but I'll check with my Portuguese friend (Brazil speaks Portuguese, so their hair is related).

What have we learned?

1. Nothing
2. some investigations should not be performed at work
3. when Mom drops off some fresh chocolate buttercream icing, it's best to wait until it gets close to room temperature before shoveling the entire vat into my mouth
4. I shouldn't display such enthusiasm for bizarre events
5. for the sake of my readers, I shouldn't write about my enthusiasm.
6. Whether it's animal hair or those little bugs you found on your mattress, do the same thing: put it in a sealed container for the professionals to identify. You don't have time in your life for this shit.

• Rushing to take control, under pretext of censorship, the British banned internet porn for children. Yeah, right.. it turns out that millions of porn videos are exempt via their own regulations. But let's face it - this isn't just about porn. They're keeping the UK safe. From what, we're not sure... why not terrorism? If people see porn, the terrorists win.

The amount of cell phone tracking is draconian - we can all agree. Google and Apple, bless them, will let you know what they know about you. For Google, log into your account. For Apple, go to their 'privacy portal'. They got their naming conventions from DC (Patriot Act anyone?).

• This week's best headline: "What if Hitler had Access to my Facebook Data"

A recent Supreme Court case may have serious implications for Google, Twitter, YouTube, and other social media.  The case will decide if a private operator of a public access network can be government-regulated.

I'm no Constitutional scholar, but that never stopped me before...

Although the case is more intricate, this could get ugly. For example, the First Amendment states that the government may not regulate speech or establish religion.... it does not apply to private businesses. As it stands, Faceyspaces, Google, etc, are not government businesses - they're private, hence are not subject to this amendment. That's how it is, according to #1A. The case wants to allow regulation by declaring these companies 'state actors'. In other words, they want to add (these) private companies to their loophole. Tricky.

Speaking not as a libertarian, I'd love to see these companies forced to eat their own crap. Let's face it: if I say things these companies don't agree with, I'm out the door too, although not as fast as the right. To be clear, censorship shouldn't travel in any direction. But according to the Constitution, they can't be controlled right now, so that's the way we have to go. Using the courts to decide is also the way to go (provided they agree with my interpretation).

• Need to make some quick cash?  Tell Justin Bieber you'll give $1,000 to his favorite charity every time he says "I dig chicks with green hair." Then bet the National Star Enquirer five million that you can turn tens of thousands of kids' hair green overnight, without saying or doing a single thing (plus a signed Bieber 8x10 to their favorite charity).

New Yorkers: you're famous for your rulers (NYPD) obtaining serious technology to use on you. proposed is the POST Act, which will force transparency. Keep in mind that right now, shotgun microphones, video surveillance, face recognition and automatic license plate readers are in place (and that's the stuff we know about). Do you feel protected now? Do you feel surveilled everywhere but your shower? Get with your reps and urge them to support POST. Naturally the act has no teeth, but it's a start.

It's Never Too Early (to Be Late)

From Austin, Texas to the world (and back to Houston) here's Stevie Ray Vaughan, playing Texas Flood.

• If I understand this correctly, the lovely FLOTUS got on a plane for Houston and the press blew up because she was wearing heels. This is what passes for journalism (and political discourse). The real fun came later in the day, when Boy George said he wouldn't hear of Melania bashing.
• Ladies and gentlemen, we are observing history as it happens... the republican party is inclusive of gays. Some gays are voting republican. A musician has said something positive about a republican. Republicans are repeating what he said. The whole world has gone topsy-turvy. Dogs sleeping with cats, sun blocked out, people with eye injuries after the sun was blocked out...
• The dems are automatically obstructing everything, having taken over for the republicans, who did it during Obama.
• No, nothing's going to change as far as we are concerned: we'll still get screwed.  But if someone told you, twenty years ago, that gays and republicans would be playing together nicely, you would have had them committed for their own good.

Selena Gomez's Instagram account was hacked, resulting in nude pictures of Justin Bieber being displayed for a short period of time. This is not related to The Fappening and the account was restored quickly. These celebrity accounts are falling like dominoes. Funny as it may be, if you don't take security seriously enough, you will be next. I don't care how many Bieber nudes you have - I don't want to see them.

• With the Horrors in Houston, once again Amateur Radio has stepped up and helped. Like 9-11 and Katrina, these amateurs (hams) put their operational skills to work. Radio works when cells go down or are overloaded. It works locally to globally. Even the government (uh-oh) recognizes the value and has contributed financially to the effort.

The hearing-impaired dog just went off like an alarm, in Attack Mode<tm>. The mailman showed up. Normally Marshall sleeps by the door, just feet away from the mailman. Today he happened to be monitoring from another spot and actually saw the home invader mailman, setting off the Dog Alarm. I haven't heard that in a long time. It was nice and everything, but I didn't really miss it.

• The Definition of Marriage: I get homicidal when I hear JG Wentworth commercials. So she sings along with them.

The NYPD will be tossing 36,000 Windows phones after a year because Microsoft has decided not to support the phones. Way to go, Microsoft! Do you have any idea what the phones must have cost the NYPD?  Rest assured this contract came through friends, so there was significant money involved (plus who in their right mind purchases Windows phones?). Now they will have to purchase another 36,000 phones. If I were a NY taxpayer, I'd be pretty upset. This is a valuable, visible lesson for any governmental purchase; this stuff goes on all day, every day.

• When Life Gets Tough - annoy people. It's good for your spirits.

The Bed
I live in a non-standard household.
No, really?
Really.
You're putting us on.
No, really.

The house is non-standard. The occupants are non-standard. Even the dog is non-standard. The neighbors are non-standard. Even the sun is non-standard, in that it won't shine in the house. Seriously - light doesn't penetrate the house.

Ok, perhaps that's not the sun's fault.
The house came from a kit. Believe it or not, stuff got delivered and someone built it. It's pretty interesting, if you think about it. It's still standing, which is very fortunate. Unfortunately the person who assembled the house seemed to get everything right except for one small niggle: the house got turned around. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was dyslexic. Maybe some neighborhood joker turn the plans around when he stepped away. Maybe he was $*#@ing stupid - I don't know. The end result is that the house is perfectly set up for a vampire - the sun doesn't get in. While my deathly pallor has caused some to accuse me of sleeping during the day, perhaps in a coffin, this is not true. Although I may try to avoid direct sunlight, I do like to know it's still out there. And none of it gets in, although I'm sure the siding is always warm.

Where was I?
Oh yeah, non-standard.

Being married to a non-standard wife is... well... non-standard. She has The Mother of All Sleep Disorders, which means she has to catch it where she can. This frequently means she's in bed before I am. I have no problem with this - I'm used to getting in bed in the dark. I spend a large portion of my life in the dark - why shouldn't it extend to the bedroom?

I wouldn't dream of turning the bedroom light on and waking anyone, especially the dog, so I always walk into a dark room. This would be no issue for normal people, but as I said, we're non-standard.

Like Charlie Brown kicking the ball, I assume, foolishly, that there's a clean path from the door to the bed. If there were enough light for video, I could produce some classic video. Maybe some of that green video that you can shoot in the dark.  The first obstacle I have to look for is Marshall, who may or may not be a few steps in, completely blocking access to the bed. Trying to be a good person, I really attempt to step over and not disturb him. This is sometimes funny when he's not there and I wind up stepping over nothing. This potentially sets me up for a great stumble, turn, stumble, fall.. right into bed.

Well, maybe not directly into bed. Something will invariably will have appeared in front of the bed. How it gets there, I can't even begin to guess: maybe stuff rearranges itself when the lights go out. Maybe there's some Quantum Rearrangement happening... this isn't my field, so I feel it best not to spend too much time on it. It would only hurt. So I trip on the dog that may or may not be there, stumble, turn, stumble, trip, teeter, then fall onto the bed.

While I'm falling, I have to worry about the Quantum Spaniel, who may or may not be in the bed already, whether or not I tripped on him when he may or may not have been in the way of the bed. For someone who isn't in the field, I sure deal with quantum physics a lot.  So Marshall may be laying at the foot of the bed, or on my pillow. I have to fall in a way that I won't fall on top of the poor guy.

The wife has not moved.

Now that I have done the Bedroom Dance across the entire room, I find myself (or most of myself) in bed, hopefully not on top of any living being. Regardless of marital status, it is unacceptable to land on your spouse for most, if not any reasons.

If Quantum Spaniel wasn't at the foot of the bed, he is snoozing on or about my pillow.  At this point it's ok to wake him so he'll move his fuzzy butt out of my way. So now he fakes sleep and plays stupid. Huh? You want me to what? Get up? MOVE? I don't understand. Say it a few more times. Gently tap my butt, so I can continue to pretend I don't understand. I can figure out how to get all sorts of things outside my reach but I'm really stupid when I don't want to leave your pillow.

FINALLY he moves to a different spot and I settle down to Blissful Sleep.

No I don't.

Stuff appears in my bed. Different Stuff than appears on the floor. Sometimes a pile of clothes. Last night, several packages of new sheets. Maybe a towel. Some books. A chainsaw. The odd bit of jewelry. Colored markers.. there's no telling and no reason for it.. the stuff is just there. The only thing these have in common is that they quickly become airborne, accompanied by screaming (usually mine).

The wife has not moved.

Along with the screaming is the nightly Litany of Self Pity. There's no written version but it goes something like this: GOD $(#&ING DAMMIT, CAN'T I GET INTO $&#@ING BED JUST ONCE WITHOUT THIS #&@&ING NONSENSE? IT'S DARK AND I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER ANYODY AND ALL I ASK IS AN UNOBSTRUCTED PLACE TO #*@&ING SLEEP. NO DOG. NO CRAYONS. NO CLOTHES. NO CHAINSAW. I WORK ALL DAY AND ALL I ASK FOR IS A BED I CAN GET INTO WITHOUT PAIN OR OBJECTS THAT DON'T %*#&ING BELONG THERE. I ASK FOR VERY LITTLE - AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I $(#&ING GET.

The wife has not moved.

Sometimes I do a little reading from my phone before I nod off. As soon as I silently click and the light comes on, the wife startles and sits up. NOW she sits up. The words are always the same: "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Oh."

The Sleep Number mattress leaks, but only my side, so I have to pump it up. She sleeps through that too - or at very least does not hit me with a cast iron pan, which is also in the bed, for reasons no one can explain.

It's Not a Rat - it's a Siberian Hamster!

It is claimed that by 2050, human-on-robot sex will be more common than human-on-human sex. You people had better start being nice to each other or it's going to be a long, cold life.

• Remember when I told you that your cable box spies on you? It's so the cable company can serve personalized ads to you, among other things.
• While we're talking about creepy, invasive tracking, Google's next. It (via Gmail) partners with businesses to send you ads when you're surfing. [1. do not give out your address 2. turn off cookies]

So this man filled up bottles of his own fluid(s) and deposited the contents on women in Maryland. When caught, he was given three years of probation. SUSPENSE! .. He's back at it again, in Virginia. He was arrested for taking upskirt photos and for depositing bodily fluids on a woman, but not from a bottle. C'mon, man, have you not heard of the internet? There are all sorts of... specialty dating sites... 

• Edward Snowden joined Twitter. His first follow was the NSA. Yeah, right, like they didn't know before he joined.

Justin Bieber "wants to live like Jesus."  --Got any nails?

• Microsoft 'responds' to concerns that Windows 10 is spying by saying nothing and not answering any questions.

I don't know why, but if you're considering voting for Carly Fiorina, she just bragged that HP's servers are used by the NSA for mass surveillance and that she rushed them out for this purpose.

• Still kicking, albeit a little long in the tooth, is Groucho Marx (125). Read Time's piece on him and simply laugh at a comedy genius.

The daughter (16) of Fast and Furious' Paul Walker is suing Porsche for 'wrongful death'. She claims Porsche took safety shortcuts. Allow me to suggest that the best safety shortcut was around the pole.

• Oxymorons: Congressional Ethics. Windows Security.

I snore, much to my wife's dismay (as does the dog - sometimes we jam). Looking at Amazon's solutions, people who bought them also bought selfie sticks. I don't know if this is personal, but it sure feels that way.

• What have the Great Unwashed been up to? Signing a petition to ban talking about politics and religion in public. The guy who produces these is an inadvertent comic hero.

A male staffer in a Capitol Hill office has complained his female boss has slapped his ass, talked about her vibrator, and asked him sexual questions. BRAVO for women's equality!

• Baboons in Zambabwe took a radio show off the air by eating the station's transmission cables. We don't have this problem in the US, because we keep our baboons in front of the camera.

The Bad News: Friends actor David Schwimmer is coming back to tv. The Good News: in England, so there's less chance of seeing him in the US.

• Just when you think it couldn't get any weirder, there's BIID. Body Integrity Identity Disorder causes able-bodied people to belive they should be disabled. As a result, this lady somehow convinced a psychologist to blind her with drain cleaner. Next week the good doctor will be slicing off the ear of a neurotic and removing the stomach of a man with major depression.

A British prison inmate cut off his penis and tried to flush it. Oddly enough, he's not the first inmate to do this. Link has timeline of penis cutting-off activities. Apparently it's not just a British thing, although one wonders.

• This week's best sentence: "Ever since Parliament’s funk savior Starchild brandished his bop gun to bring about intergalactic Funkentelechy.."

Bernie Sanders thinks illegals should benefit from Obamacare. Meanwhile my deductible is still $5,500. Socialist Bernie, meet socialist Barack.

• Greatest invention ever: Exercise in a pill!

AI theorist Eliezer Yudkowsky coined Moore's Law of Mad Science: "Every eighteen months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point."

The Week in Music - A Triumph of Excellence

The Yardbirds are touring this year. For those who do not recognize the name, they were a band in the sixties that gave us three of the top guitarists of our time: Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin), Jeff Beck (my personal favorite) and Eric Clapton (Cream, Blind Faith, Eric Clapton). A quick check on the band's latest membership role shows us that the band is touring with the original drummer only. This beats Foghat, which is touring with the original drum roadie.

Long ago.. very long ago by most standards, I played with a band at this stereotypical dump in New Jersey (not to be confused with the stereotypical state of New Jersey). Up on the wall was a television - an old-style television, with a CRT. Imagine a time when televisions and radios had to warm up, if you can. On the telly was this brand new cable network called MTV. Anyone even vaguely familiar with MTV might still be shocked to learn that it featured actual rock and roll music, as opposed to what passes for content this week. Cable wasn't available in my neighborhood yet, so this was doubly fascinating. Triply fascinating was looking up and seeing a non-mainstream band performing. This was Triumph.

Triumph is a band of three hosers (Canadians). My area of concentration is Rik Emmett, the guitarist, singer and cowriter. Let's dive right in:

Midsummer's Daydream is a solo classical acoustic piece performed by Emmett. I tried to play this once (only once).  This is recorded live in Halifax (a suburb of Canada, located generally north of the US). He does a lot with one acoustic guitar. You can also hear the studio version on the Thunder Seven album. The live version contains a lot of... ummm.. spunk? Verve? Derring Do?  Enjoy the showmanship and sense of humor (and lycra pants).

Little Boy Blues (not to be confused by anything coming from the Vatican) is one of my favorite songs. By this I mean it has a lot of really interesting guitar work and, surprisingly enough, no vocals. It begins with some really low-key tasty blues, backed by a drum machine and other instruments that would completely prevent this song from being performed live by a three-piece band. This builds nicely to what I'd call a chorus, where the playing starts to get really spunky. At the end of the chorus, the real drums enter and the real rollercoaster ride takes off. This segues into a redo of the first part, a hyped-up chorus, and a surprisingly gentle end. Rik plays very dynamically and lyrically, even when he's performing digital acrobatic riffs.

There exists the possibility that Lay It On the Line is the video I saw on MTV first. It's one of their biggest hits (you olde phartes will remember it) and features a doubleneck guitar that you've never seen before, unlike Jimmy Page's.

Justin Bieber and Toe Cleavage

Q. How do we know that the suit against Justin Bieber for assault will never go to court?

A. Because no one will admit that Justin Bieber beat them up.

----------------------------------

Toe Cleavage?


Glad you asked, Billy.  Tell me, do you like gladiator movies?

My twenty-something niece told my forty-something wife about toe cleavage.  My wife told me.  It was immediately obvious to me what it was; in fact, I remember seeing a picture of some famous female on a runway and thinking to myself why couldn't she afford proper sized shoes - her toes barely fit in them.

Apparently this is an acknowledged issue in these wild days of 2012, when either the Big One is going to come get us or nothing too far out of the ordinary will happen in late December.  I predict gas gouging and a smaller holiday because no one can afford Stuff anymore.  And that our new president will be more of the same.

--------------------------------

So apparently face-eating is caused by bath salts.  Or something.
No, really.  The police found some guy eating another guy's face and he growled at them.  He was found to be under the influence of bath salts.

OMG - my wife bathes in that stuff all the time!

--------------------------------

Speaking of face-eating, my ultra nice wife kept offering me the evening off.  It might just be her kindness responding to my morose attitude toward mowing the lawn.  She told me to sit and relax.  I told her I had to mow the lawn.  She said that the lawn could wait a day.  I said it was going be the lawn because the two things I dread most in life are the dentist and the lawn and I went to the dentist yesterday.

I decided not to waste too many words on yesterday's visit to my genuinely caring dentist, Dr. Mengele.  In truth, I don't feel much pain from either the good doctor or mowing the lawn, yet I'm terrified of visiting the doctor.   It was never this way until recently and I have no idea why.  Never mind that my one and a half hour slot had me seated for over two hours.  Perhaps I can describe my terror better this way: while seated, I do not look into the deep blue eyes of the dental technician nor do I even think of looking down her shirt.  Yes, I'm that scared.  I even forget the view I got following her down the hall to the damage dental suite.

Since I merely loathe mowing the lawn, it was off to locate the mower.  In theory, the mower is in the same place I left it, so it shouldn't be too difficult to locate.  In practice, however, all sorts of things could have happened, up to and including full dematerialization and rematerialization in a different dimension altogether.   I think this might have something to do with string theory but in truth, the only string theory that matters is will the string that starts the mower be intact when I pull it two or ten times to start the infernal beast.

Most likely the mower is just hidden under the new growth of grass.  The grass grows really quickly here in Pennsylvania, largely due to the rainy season.  Our rainy season runs from about March 13 to about February 29.  April showers bring May showers and it rains most of June.

Sometimes we worry that the dog won't be able to find his way back to the door because the grass is already taller than he is and I mowed two weeks ago.  I tried to cover all the unnecessary grass with concrete but discovered that, due to drainage, this is not legal.

So the bugger started on about the eighth try and off I trudged to do my husbandly duty.   One of the obstacles to mowing is plants.  Unfortunately the definition of plants differs wildly from my wife to me.  I tend to largely mow over most anything that's vaguely green, much to the consternation of my wife.

The other obstacle would be the still dormant planting material; the very material that put the Crazy Lady next door over the edge and forced her to call the county on us.  I figured that after I was finished, there would be enough grass clippings laying about to potentially put the Crazy Lady further over the edge.  Can you imagine the call to the county?

Mrs. Crazy Lady:  Hello, I want to complain.
Poor County Employee:  How are you, Mrs. Crazy  Lady?
Mrs. Crazy Lady:  Oh, terrible.  My horrible, slovenly neighbors have done it again.
Poor County Employee:  What is it this time - someone throw a candy wrapper on their lawn?  More than one bag of trash in their can?  Color of their house not up to spec?
Mrs. Crazy Lady:  Remember the planting materials?
Poor County Employee:   How could I ever forget, Mrs. Crazy Lady?
Mrs. Crazy Lady:  They mowed their lawn and didn't sweep it up.
Poor County Employee:   We'll send a SWAT team immediately.  Now go take your  meds.

My wife keeps telling me we have to be nice to her.  I keep asking why.  She keeps telling me because she's old and our neighbor.  I keep telling her that good neighbors don't call the county on their neighbors.  She shook her head and let on that Mrs. Crazy Lady's hip had given out and that she was in a lot of pain.

Ok, I had to admit I felt a little bad for her.  Here she is, 347 years old (quite young for her species), and she was in serious pain.  My wife says this is when neighbors lend a hand.  I had no choice but to agree and offered her a helping hand - a push whenever she's at the top of a set of stairs.

That's not wrong, is it?