Melania Trump called the Secret Service.
Fonda deleted the tweet and apologized. We are assured that the Secret Service visit had nothing to do with the cracks in his skull, black eyes, and individually broken fingers.
We checked Twitter for Other Tweets Peter Fonda Deleted:
- Obama is black, the bastard
- Watch me put my penis in this pencil sharpener
- DAMN my daughter is hot
- I've got snails in my rectum
ABC has apologized for a graphic declaring Manafort pleaded guilty to manslaughter. What they meant to say was "Manafort builds model cars." Anyone could make that mistake.
- Many have predicted that the apocalypse will occur on the summer solstice, for some reason or another, ranging from Billy Graham dying to Kelloggs discontinuing Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows. As the solstice has passed, some are starting to doubt the dire predictions. The people who predicted the tragedy said they made a mistake and pushed the date forward, but refuse to tell us when.
- Hollywood blames the NRA for the Apocalypse's failure to occur.
Speaking of proof of God's existence, Star Wars sequels have been put on hold after the most recent cash grab flopped. Also, there is only one treehouse show left on tv.
- Janet Jackson revealed her battle with depression.
- My wife is bipolar and has never bared her nipples onstage.
A woman is suspected of serving her ex-lover's remains at a barbecue.
Guests said, "He tasted like chicken."
- A Kansas man was charged for repeated attempts to have sex with a parked car's tailpipe.
- The man's blood alcohol was four times the legal limit. His lawyer said, "There is no legal limit for having sex with a tailpipe." Asked for comment, the man said, "It was a really hot tailpipe."
- Florida's Governor proposed a new state motto: We're messed up but least we didn't try to have sex with a tailpipe.
- Peter Fonda blamed Trump. Democrats called for gun control.
Canada has announced that it will not be attending the Philadelphia Guitar Show this year. The prime minister will be dress shopping with Celene Dion. A spokesman for Dion said she hopes to find him something nice and not too splashy.
- Guilt is twelve times stronger than gravity
Software tip: if you're looking for linux software that does what popular Windows software does, check out AlternativeTo - it also works for other operating systems. OS Alt finds open source alternatives to closed source or commercial software.
My new old office at home is proving quite useful, if for nothing else, escape from humanity. There is a phone on my desk, which makes me feel important. It isn't connected to anything, which also helps in my quest to remain invisible. It still has its original dust, which has kept the insects from taking over. One of the little buggers had developed speech and says stuff to confuse me during evening hours... it can successfully imitate my wife and gives conflicting orders, successfully imitating my wife.
Nothing has fallen and injured me, which is a very pleasant surprise, suggesting that the room exists in a parallel universe. The door, which doesn't shut fully, is actually the portal into the alternate universe. Thus far, everything is the same in the new universe: a profound disorganization, inability to find a single thing that I need, and every flat surface taken up with Stuff. This is precisely the kind of place Hoarders would put on tv, but there is no such show in this universe and the original show won't touch it because their union won't cross universes.
I have a new fan, with six speeds.. I feel so decadent using it. And it has a remote control, so I don't have to reach three feet over to adjust it. My bigass old tube shortwave boatanchor receiver still works. Pro Tip: do not leave anything with batteries on top of this radio unless you want to see what happens to batteries when heated. In the winter, the radio will heat the entire office, if not the entire alternate universe. Still not answered is the question of why there is an odd number of speakers. Just like in the universe you know, the room eats screwdrivers. Unlike the universe you know, all the pens write.
I need to speak to someone about getting cold running Snapple and hot running coffee. Somewhere is an old black and white tv. If I try to move it, one of the piles will fall on me and they'll never find my body. There are new popsicle sticks on my desk. There is a great story about these, but I don't know it.
The only serious difficulty occurred when I moved the wireless router into the office, rendering the rest of the house unable to connect. Unfortunately the wireless signal won't cross universes...
- A woman stabbed a stranger in the head with a high heel in a Queens subway brawl.
- Taken to Bellvue Hospital, the man required several staples in his head. A week later he was back at Bellvue because he tried to take them out with a staple remover he had on his desk.
- Democrats, England, and Canada demanded something be done about Shoe Control. Hollywood was strangely silent.
Saudi Arabia's ban on women driving has been lifted.
Saudi comics have requested American comics send them women driving jokes.
- In a nationwide phenomenon, people are dying in Walmart parking lots I told you that shopping there was dangerous.
California Congressman Maxine Waters, founder of Fairness in Politics, has ordered people to harass Trump officials in public places. "The thing I want you to know is that we're not desperate. If anybody asks, blame it on the Russians."
Maxine also ordered the military to make fun of Trump's hair at White House appearances. "Nyah nyah should be enough to get our point across."
Asked for a quote, the republican party could not comment because it was rolling around on the White House lawn, tears of laughter running down its face.
Maxine also proclaimed God is on our side.
Reached for comment, God was really mad. He said a little birdie told him Maxine should make sure her affairs are in order.
