Showing posts with label hubble. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hubble. Show all posts

Sunday, July 4, 2021

That Fan is Haunted

 Your love is like  one of those diseases soldiers came back from war with


Ok, so I noticed I hear things through fans.

I'm sitting in my office and hearing the tv. I ask Wife to turn it down.

The tv is off.

Uh-oh.

If I turn off the fan, I don't hear anything.

Perhaps I should try to contact the dead.


Happy Independence Day

or, as the Brits say, Traitorous Colonists

The founding fathers were brilliant and set up a living framework for a great country.

And certain groups are hacking away at it like mad 

If we don't pay attention, it will be gone. 


In my hood, July 4th is yet another occasion to buy 'illegal' fireworks and blow them up for the next few days. Wawa, our convenience store chain, has a deal on hoagies. Their ads are paid for by Giant, our supermarket chain. I have no idea.

And what could possibly be a better companion for fireworks and hoagies than beer? Unfortunately, in PA, you are not permitted to buy fireworks, and liquor is run by the state, so you have to go to special stores during their hours (not on Sundays). That's some gang that took over booze. Even the mob is jealous of this racket.

Tomorrow, for entertainment, we'll watch the news to find out which intelligent, well-read fireworks expert lost a few digits when he forgot to throw them after lighting them.

Those of you outside PA don't understand... we can't go into a supermarket or any old store and buy booze. The first time I left PA, I saw booze in a supermarket and I stood there and stared. I don't really drink, but I'd never seen it in a supermarket. PA is a hellhole for so many reasons....


Work is fun.

I hate Outlook. Apparently my emails have the Ignore flag. When I send them, to individuals or groups, I never get a reply. Some of my emails are pretty important, but nothing. Like my previous employer, there is apparently no specific requirement to answer emails. Unless, of course, you're in my group. As we get bigger and more impotent, we have to answer everything... even the phone. It's a shame I never had the time to learn their bad habits....


Today I identify as  one of four Teslas that didn't self-immolate


It's been a while since I've had one of my Hell Days.

Today is one.

Dear Mr. China: if you want me to continue purchasing from you, I am going to have to insist on you including instructions, or at least a picture, in everything that I have to assemble. I have never seen a 5' pole with a large whirlygig on top, so I need some frame of reference. That was one hour of screaming time to assemble. There are still parts either left over or missing - I can't tell.

The cash machine was broken, so I'd have to take a check for something I was buying. Where is the check? Home.

Off to the store, the very tricky neighborhood decided, after a year of free parking, to put the meters back. Hey- I found a quarter (in the compartment with used cigarette filters - yum!). Once in the store, I look at the quarter in my hand, that I didn't put in the machine.

I dropped off the check and their dog was so happy to see me, he peed a bit, then stuck his nose in my crotch for a bit. It was a bit of heaven.

I was going to pick up dinner, but Mrs lefty was too far away. Her passenger (the one who wasn't the dog) kept texting me estimates of when they were dropping her off. Then she started asking me questions about times. English is her native language, except when texting. I was confused, but took comfort in the fact that I wasn't as confused as she was. She texted me that they were going to call. I love that. The call didn't go through, because wireless technology is so new, they haven't perfected it yet. I called back and the dog had had enough of her too because all I heard was BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK. This was doing a lead-footed dance on my very shaky tiny last nerve.

My shorts were overloaded on the right side, and were determined to flash parts of me better kept unflashed (all of me) in the convenience store, up my steps and in front of the fridge. After I emptied my pockets, the shorts felt nostalgic and tried to fall down again. Every other day of the year, my stomach is 100% successful at holding my pants up.

The convenience store wanted to know if I wanted my gallon of milk in a bag. No, I'll just walk home, juggling it with the sodas. They save money by using cheap bags, so they have to double them, or I'll be wearing the milk.

It was naturally raining, so everybody was driving very quickly through the residential neighborhoods. The car has a beeper to remind me the lights are on. Unfortunately it fails completely if you take the keys out too quickly, which I did. It was amazing that I got a parking spot (in my own driveway).

So after the large explosion, when the police finally apprehend me, I'll just tell them about my day and no problemo.


No matter what you do this week, remember:

There is no B+ directly associated with the quadrature grid of a dual role 6BN6.


  • Sitting at my desk, on my 3rd cup of coffee, I finally realize something: I'm just not prepared for morning. I never will be.

NASA scientists are busy trying to figure out what's wrong with the Hubble Telescope's computer.
I'll tell you  - it's running Windows.



Hey, are you worried if your buddy is becoming an extremist?
Snitch on him to Faceyspaces.
didn't they do this in Germany?


Psychology 101: We'll start in a moment, but will the person who switched the Rorshach cards with the Mandarin character cards please see me after class.


  • Air Force Video Explains What a Penis Is
  • only shown to men, who all flunk the test and can't fly

Elon Musk and his Incredible Exploding Cars haven't been in the news lately, but they worked overtime to fix that: a $130k Model S caught fire after being delivered, almost trapping the driver inside. People have a lot of awe for these cars, but I just don't have the kind of intestinal fortitude to buy a homicidal car. Especially after paying $130k for it.

Gee-bus - I have enough trouble with other drivers trying to kill me.


  • Microsoft's Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) is being changed to a Black Screen of Death (BSOD) in Windows 11. Isn't it clever they didn't have to change the abbreviation? So you'll be seeing a lot of black when you downgrade to Win 11. IF your processor is on the approved list.


I just got done making burgers. I finally realized there's a use for social distancing. Social distancing is the six feet my burger should be cooked from her burger, with the XXX provolone. I don't want my burger to even know hers has cheese on it. After I put it on her burger, I have to take off the hazmat suit and take a shower.










Monday, June 21, 2021

Adam Asked Eve for a New Aardvark

 Your love is like  shingles


My oven is rusting.

This is not a problem I've ever heard before.

But that doesn't keep the oven from sitting there, rusting, on purpose.

From the 32 seconds I spent on auto repair, I remember you have to sand it first, before painting.

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way with ovens. Yes, you have to sand it, but you can't use just any old paint on it. Unless, of course, you want to use it as fireworks on July 4th. This idea is wonderfully appealing to me, but I fear I won't be able to get the necessary permits by then.

Mrs. lefty has never seen an oven rust. Penny has never seen an oven rust, or if she has, she's keeping it a secret. I'm sure I can search for an oven repainter, cuz it would be cool to get rid of the rust and have a purple oven, but I think this operation would cost well over what a new oven would. Plus I hate having to pack up the oven and ship it out for a few weeks.  

Boiling water in the microwave just isn't the same. My mother told me this. My mother also told me water had to be boiled for at least a certain amount of time or 'it isn't right.' When she told me food tasted different on different plates, I should have known something was not right, but I'm a bit obtuse as a rule.

So we need a new oven, unless we'd prefer to watch the existing one disintegrate, eventually to be used as a rusty, grossly inefficient room heater. This is especially inconvenient as we approach summer. The whoopie gee-whiz colors should be interesting. I'm told there's aluminum/graphite,black, cobalt blue, and red. I don't want red because it keeps the groceries hotter than the other colors, and it makes your auto insurance go up.  If I get a sufficiently modern-looking color, things will go bad: all the other appliances will slow down or go on strike. I don't blame them.. modern sticks out like string theory professors at strip clubs. So what goes with old, drab, and dusty? Do they sell ovens with 70s wallpaper on them? Extra dust? I'm not positive, but I think the kitchen's birth certificate is older than mine. This begs the question of which gets the $17,000 - the left handed 1957 Stratocaster or the kitchen? Of course this is a trick question: we don't have $17k for either.

After a brief check, I located several Biggo Stores with ovens. I know the prices have gone off the rails, but you can easily spend $4,000 on a range (they're not called ovens anymore, and 'whorehouse' was taken). Naturally you can get 'connected' whorehouses ovens, whereby people from all over the planet can hack in and play with your oven.

I'm looking for an oven

We have all brands in all ranges.

Good.

We have a bunch that will stop and start on your command, and hook into the internet.

But if it hooks into the internet, people from all over the world can hack into it.

Not these - they're extra secure.

How so?

They plug in with green cables.

Oh.

What were you looking for?

She had her heart set on one that heats up, boils stuff, and bakes cakes.

Hmmm... no... I'm sorry.. we don't have those.

Boil water for tea?

Ah... nope.

Bake cookies?

Not a one.

So I could hand you $4,000 and you'd deliver a stylish box that people from everywhere could hack into, plus it could talk to other connected appliances.

Delivery and setup are extra.

Who's going to bake cakes?

Your wife?

I see. Have a nice day.


My mother called to wish me a happy fathers day. I was a little surprised, but Mrs. lefty said she does it every year, through each of our cockers. Men frequently have wives around for remembering things. Now ask her what she was doing before she told me that....  mind you, I get mothers day cards all the time.


Today I identify as  a non-rusty, level, temperature-correct oven


The Car 

After the 'wholesale alterations to the body,' it went to a collision shop for an estimate. There is a dealership right across the street, so we had to take it a few miles away to a shop. I guess I shouldn't complain - the last car took 7 weeks to get fixed at the dealership. 

I should have known something was up.... I got a few dollars for fathers day.

In the past, both the car and the house had the amazing ability to detect a few disposable dollars, and would break accordingly. I think they took turns...

HOUSE: I saw him get $50 - it's time to go into action!

CAR: Yeah, I want a set of brakes. It's my turn, right?

HOUSE: Yup, I got the roof patch last time

This went on for years.

It calmed down recently.

Uh-oh.

Unlike Dr. Fauci, I'm doing the science. In the past, when I got a few dollars, it sat in the bank. And I got screwed every time. This time I actually got to touch the crisp green bills. The science tells me to just give it up, I will not win.

I need a way to hide discretionary dollars from the house and car.


  • If you're looking at a Fire tablet for Prime Day or in general, be aware that while they are android, they technically have to go through the Amazon store to get apps. Last time I checked, you could load regular old android software - if you insist upon getting one, please check this for yourself. Rest assured Amazon will suck up all available information on the tablet.
  • I highly recommend not getting a Fire tablet.

We're all launching ourselves into the Future<tm>. Naturally, so is the advertising business.

You can now see all sorts of ads you never saw before in your life. There's the men's underwear, with long shots of men wearing it. Wife and I agree that no part of our lives is improved by looking at men's junk. So naturally, the next commercial is for some shaver that concentrates on men's junky area. The Ball Shaver 2000!  Also nope.

So thus far the Future<tm> is Junk. As a guy, I spend a lot of time thinking about (and with) mine. But there's no desire to see it on tv. If I get bored, I can watch the women's bladder control commercials. They make you feel 'pretty.' If I'm going to wear women's underwear, it ain't gonna be bladder control underwear. If I need bladder control underwear, I'm sure there will be a commercial for it in the next few weeks. 


  • You think you've had computer problems... the Hubble Telescope's computer has gone wonky. It's in Safe Mode now. The problem looks to be bad RAM and one was swapped in. Unfortunately it hasn't helped.
  • I will never complain about having to remove a computer case again

Salma Hayek is costarring in "The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard," with Ryan Reynolds (owner of some wireless company). The likelihood of me seeing this movie is fairly close to nil, so please send Salma. Thank you.


  • a New Joisey water park will have to modify its reopening plans after the 'High Anxiety' waterslide caught fire and burned down.
  • water ride caught fire

Carnival Cruise Lines just got hit with a cyber attack.
This is fresh off the news that Carnival will be sailing again after the Shit Attack and the Flying AIDS Attack.
I have less desire to sail on a cruise than to swim in the antarctic.
But if I lost all my memory, personality, decided to get my legs sewn together, and book a cruise, I'd avoid Carnival.
  • Next week, several Carnival ships will be hit by lightning, 500 miles from anywhere.
  • The week after, cholera.
  • For those of you playing along at home, the month of July will be Break a Leg Month, where the lack of ship stability will cause most cruisers to leave with broken bones.
  • If you're intrepid, brave, and stupid enough, August will feature random Carnival ships eaten up by random whirlpools and tidal events<tm>.
  • In September, planes will fly into some ships, to commemorate 9-11.
  • And for the rest of the year, the ship's batteries and generators will fail spectacularly, in an event passengers will mistakenly call fireworks. They will be dead in the water for weeks.


Philly News

A Philadelphia man died from injuries from being struck with a baseball bat.
sports are very violent

It's not that West Philly is tough, but 3 people were taken to the hospital from gunshot wounds suffered at a graduation party.



US Navy uses 40,000lb explosive to test warship in 'Full Ship Shock Trial'
if you're going to blow something up, 40,000lb explosives will get the job done


Swedish government toppled in no-confidence vote
[sigh]
If we turned the tv off for one hour....


Morning People May Be at Lower Risk of Depression Than Night Owls
Also at lower risk..
  • people who eat more than 2 cupcakes per week
  • people who know what a distributor cap is
  • people who never leave the house
  • people who get a lot of sex