Your love is like shingles
My oven is rusting.
This is not a problem I've ever heard before.
But that doesn't keep the oven from sitting there, rusting, on purpose.
From the 32 seconds I spent on auto repair, I remember you have to sand it first, before painting.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way with ovens. Yes, you have to sand it, but you can't use just any old paint on it. Unless, of course, you want to use it as fireworks on July 4th. This idea is wonderfully appealing to me, but I fear I won't be able to get the necessary permits by then.
Mrs. lefty has never seen an oven rust. Penny has never seen an oven rust, or if she has, she's keeping it a secret. I'm sure I can search for an oven repainter, cuz it would be cool to get rid of the rust and have a purple oven, but I think this operation would cost well over what a new oven would. Plus I hate having to pack up the oven and ship it out for a few weeks.
Boiling water in the microwave just isn't the same. My mother told me this. My mother also told me water had to be boiled for at least a certain amount of time or 'it isn't right.' When she told me food tasted different on different plates, I should have known something was not right, but I'm a bit obtuse as a rule.
So we need a new oven, unless we'd prefer to watch the existing one disintegrate, eventually to be used as a rusty, grossly inefficient room heater. This is especially inconvenient as we approach summer. The whoopie gee-whiz colors should be interesting. I'm told there's aluminum/graphite,black, cobalt blue, and red. I don't want red because it keeps the groceries hotter than the other colors, and it makes your auto insurance go up. If I get a sufficiently modern-looking color, things will go bad: all the other appliances will slow down or go on strike. I don't blame them.. modern sticks out like string theory professors at strip clubs. So what goes with old, drab, and dusty? Do they sell ovens with 70s wallpaper on them? Extra dust? I'm not positive, but I think the kitchen's birth certificate is older than mine. This begs the question of which gets the $17,000 - the left handed 1957 Stratocaster or the kitchen? Of course this is a trick question: we don't have $17k for either.
After a brief check, I located several Biggo Stores with ovens. I know the prices have gone off the rails, but you can easily spend $4,000 on a range (they're not called ovens anymore, and 'whorehouse' was taken). Naturally you can get 'connected' whorehouses ovens, whereby people from all over the planet can hack in and play with your oven.
I'm looking for an oven
We have all brands in all ranges.
Good.
We have a bunch that will stop and start on your command, and hook into the internet.
But if it hooks into the internet, people from all over the world can hack into it.
Not these - they're extra secure.
How so?
They plug in with green cables.
Oh.
What were you looking for?
She had her heart set on one that heats up, boils stuff, and bakes cakes.
Hmmm... no... I'm sorry.. we don't have those.
Boil water for tea?
Ah... nope.
Bake cookies?
Not a one.
So I could hand you $4,000 and you'd deliver a stylish box that people from everywhere could hack into, plus it could talk to other connected appliances.
Delivery and setup are extra.
Who's going to bake cakes?
Your wife?
I see. Have a nice day.
My mother called to wish me a happy fathers day. I was a little surprised, but Mrs. lefty said she does it every year, through each of our cockers. Men frequently have wives around for remembering things. Now ask her what she was doing before she told me that.... mind you, I get mothers day cards all the time.
Today I identify as a non-rusty, level, temperature-correct oven
The Car
After the 'wholesale alterations to the body,' it went to a collision shop for an estimate. There is a dealership right across the street, so we had to take it a few miles away to a shop. I guess I shouldn't complain - the last car took 7 weeks to get fixed at the dealership.
I should have known something was up.... I got a few dollars for fathers day.
In the past, both the car and the house had the amazing ability to detect a few disposable dollars, and would break accordingly. I think they took turns...
HOUSE: I saw him get $50 - it's time to go into action!
CAR: Yeah, I want a set of brakes. It's my turn, right?
HOUSE: Yup, I got the roof patch last time
This went on for years.
It calmed down recently.
Uh-oh.
Unlike Dr. Fauci, I'm doing the science. In the past, when I got a few dollars, it sat in the bank. And I got screwed every time. This time I actually got to touch the crisp green bills. The science tells me to just give it up, I will not win.
I need a way to hide discretionary dollars from the house and car.
- If you're looking at a Fire tablet for Prime Day or in general, be aware that while they are android, they technically have to go through the Amazon store to get apps. Last time I checked, you could load regular old android software - if you insist upon getting one, please check this for yourself. Rest assured Amazon will suck up all available information on the tablet.
- I highly recommend not getting a Fire tablet.
We're all launching ourselves into the Future<tm>. Naturally, so is the advertising business.
You can now see all sorts of ads you never saw before in your life. There's the men's underwear, with long shots of men wearing it. Wife and I agree that no part of our lives is improved by looking at men's junk. So naturally, the next commercial is for some shaver that concentrates on men's junky area. The Ball Shaver 2000! Also nope.
So thus far the Future<tm> is Junk. As a guy, I spend a lot of time thinking about (and with) mine. But there's no desire to see it on tv. If I get bored, I can watch the women's bladder control commercials. They make you feel 'pretty.' If I'm going to wear women's underwear, it ain't gonna be bladder control underwear. If I need bladder control underwear, I'm sure there will be a commercial for it in the next few weeks.
- You think you've had computer problems... the Hubble Telescope's computer has gone wonky. It's in Safe Mode now. The problem looks to be bad RAM and one was swapped in. Unfortunately it hasn't helped.
- I will never complain about having to remove a computer case again
Salma Hayek is costarring in "The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard," with Ryan Reynolds (owner of some wireless company). The likelihood of me seeing this movie is fairly close to nil, so please send Salma. Thank you.
- a New Joisey water park will have to modify its reopening plans after the 'High Anxiety' waterslide caught fire and burned down.
- water ride caught fire
- Next week, several Carnival ships will be hit by lightning, 500 miles from anywhere.
- The week after, cholera.
- For those of you playing along at home, the month of July will be Break a Leg Month, where the lack of ship stability will cause most cruisers to leave with broken bones.
- If you're intrepid, brave, and stupid enough, August will feature random Carnival ships eaten up by random whirlpools and tidal events<tm>.
- In September, planes will fly into some ships, to commemorate 9-11.
- And for the rest of the year, the ship's batteries and generators will fail spectacularly, in an event passengers will mistakenly call fireworks. They will be dead in the water for weeks.
- people who eat more than 2 cupcakes per week
- people who know what a distributor cap is
- people who never leave the house
- people who get a lot of sex
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