Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Heroes of the Stupid

I hope Howard Stern will excuse me for borrowing his line, but if we think about this logically, Howard Stern doesn't really give a burro's rump what I do or say.  Let's talk about the Stupid, using some very recent real-life scenarios.

Before I go there, I want to remind you that it is not (yet) politically incorrect to hate the Stupid, thus branding me a stupidist.

Do You Hear What I Hear?


So Rick Perry, the Texas governor, has received divine advice urging him to run for president.  In other words, this politician has had a break with sanity, wherein he heard voices telling him to run for the highest office in the land.  I'm willing to bet that with his health insurance, he can be treated in any clinic in the country, including the private, exclusive ones.

Every time my wife had to go into the hospital, they asked her if she heard voices.   I understand the medicines have come a long way toward quieting them down.

I have no idea how many of Perry's ilk will cop to hearing voices, but I'd suggest starting as far right as possible and working your way left for maximum efficiency.  Hint: Cain and Bachmann have also admitted divine calling.


Strange Bedfellows?


A coalition including New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms and a rabbi filed a lawsuit Monday in an attempt to overturn New York's gay-marriage law.

How much hate do you need in your heart to be part of this?

Before you answer, I'm not one of those people who refer to disagreement or dislike as hate.  This is simply a case of sheer black-heartedness in the Grinchian sense.  Unlike the Grinch, though, these people will not relent.  They will not discover the remains of a blood pumping organ buried way down inside their sternums.  They will persevere, Cheney-like, in their singular mission of forming a theocracy.

I am against gay marriage.   I am also against heterosexual marriage.  But I figure why shouldn't the homos should suffer just like the rest of us?

I am particularly horrified that there is a rabbi involved in this.  I have met a few rabbis.  I am related to Jews.  Never have I come across this level of malignancy.


Owing Great Debt


The news is full of President Giveaway and Boehner stomping about and chest-thumping over a budget.  This is pure theater.

The fact of the matter is that they're going to raise the debt limit and raise taxes, in direct opposition to their words.  This does not fall exactly along the lines of Stupid so much as greed and rampant ass-covering.

A recent news story alerted a few of us to $34 billion misspent on military contractors.  With that story out, plus the trillions acknowledged missing on 9-10-2001, explain again to me why we need to raise the debt limit and taxes.

I maintain that once the government discovers it can reach into your pocket, it never stops.  Reality has shown this to be correct.  The time limit on the debt limit is no surprise.  Again, it's theater.

How do you suppose the debt got that high?  Congress voted to spend it.
Let Congress fix it. 

Until government cuts itself by about eighty percent, we should not have to pay one penny additional.  In fact, we should be paying over eighty percent less or thereabouts.  Yes, those wacky libertarians do have some good ideas sometimes, don't they?

Right now we are a country ridiculously in debt to a private consortium with a public name (the Federal Reserve is neither federal nor a reserve - discuss).  Nothing the joke called Congress does will do anything to fix the situation.  The criminals need to be put where the rest of the criminals are put.

I am responsible for my debts.  I didn't agree to put my country in debt.

The Greatest Football Season Ever in Jeopardy


The NFL has ended the lockout, which means that there could be a football season this year.  I am horribly disappointed.  This season had such potential.....

Feel More of the Love


Afghan militants have hung an eight year old boy because his father refused to give them a police car.

Personally I would have held out for a fire engine.



Do you still wonder why I'm a stupidist?  Wouldn't you like to be a stupidist too?
 

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Law of Inverse Proportions [as Applied to Rubber]

In music, it is widely known that volume is inversely proportional to talent.
In women's clothing, the less material used, the higher the cost.

This morning, we came across a similar law for cars: the less actual rubber in a tire, the more expensive it is.

You might remember that I have exclusively owned land yachts; cars that have different area codes in the front and rear seats.  These automobiles had humongous tires.  If you stacked up the tires, you could comfortably fit a small family in them, standing up.

Since the money I earn goes to medical costs and taxes, we had no choice but to bite the bullet and purchase an almost new car.  A small(er) car.  Some would call it a mid-size sedan.  Some would call it a full-size car.  I call it a Hyundai Sonata (as in Sonata big car).

The first thing I noticed when I saw the car was that it had ethnic wheels.   This is a recent phenomenon, wherein the wheel is huge and the tire small.  If the owner is particularly nuts, the wheels appear to spin backwards.  If other drivers are particularly intoxicated, the wheels all spin in different directions anyway.

Possibly as a result of ethnic wheels, the ride is bumpy as hell.  Never mind that I'm used to humongous eight-cylinder American cars.

Insult was added to injury this morning, as my wife went to get new tires.  She had done some research and budgeted a certain amount, only to discover that these tires are performance tires. 

Everybody say it at the same time:  "Performance tires on a Hyundai?

That's what my wife said.  That's what I said.  The mechanic just shook his head, sadly bemused.

Six to nine hundred dollars for tires?

Why does a six-cylinder sedan that can't best twenty-two miles per gallon require performance tires?  Whatever happened to couch tires?  Bloated tires?  Running over speed bumps and small cars without knowing it tires?


I haven't even mentioned that someone sideswiped my wife and ran her off the road the other day.

This is not looking like a good week.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Paging Doctor Beck, Doctor Jeff Beck

It's not enough to be one of the most influential and talented guitarists on the planet, with Grammy awards and nominations, a serious whammy-abuser, and to have released such seminal albums as Wired and Blow by Blow...

Now you can add Doctor to Jeff Beck's titles (officially).  The University of Sussex has named El Becko an honorary doctor of music.

Now there's a school whose drinking test I could probably pass.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Tuesday's Shameful Schadenfraude Issue

I can't begin to tell you why this stuff makes me laugh but I'm hoping it will have the same effect on you:

Electrical `Disturbances'


COPS: Copper Thief in SC Found Dead; 3,000 Lose Power...

REPORT: NM Copper Thief Jolted Cutting Live 480-Volt Wire...

Copper: It's the new Darwinism.

Deja Voodoo


Elin Nordegren stunned to learn new beau slept with Tiger Woods mistress...

Once you go Tiger....


Bachmann Cheese Jax


REPORT: Stress-related condition 'incapacitates' Bachmann; heavy pill use alleged...

Perhaps her husband's therapy to `cure' gays will work just as well on migraines...


Local News of the Stupid


Philly To Ticket Oblivious 'Text-Walkers'...

Knee Pulls


Nipple found on foot...

I spent a few seconds trying to decide whether this was hot or not.  I'm going to have to give it a Thumbs-Down, although it might have some appeal to the foot-fetishists....

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Sexes are Finally Equal [Manorexia]

AN old coworker used to tell me that the sexes would never be equal until a woman could walk down the street in men's underwear and get laughed at.  He was a deep thinker (wonder whatever happened to him...).

Part two of Sexual Equality has come to fruition under the auspices of Manorexia.

I'm laughing so hard that it's difficult to type.

I suppose it was inevitable, though...  I will admit up front that I'm one of those guys who doesn't buy the excuse given by women who are affected by this sad disorder: that it's because of the media and models setting an unreasonable body type.  At no point did the media and models come to people's houses and snatch the food from their mouths.  It's personal responsibility, folks.  You and only you are responsible for what you put (or don't put) into your gaping maw.  Don't blame your lack of self-esteem on society.

I will also admit to a bit of an internal conflict here: I love skinny, petite women.  But that's my problem, not yours.   I prefer them anorexic - I like to hear the cartilage crunch (but I kid).

And let's be real here - it's not that men are suddenly developing eating disorders; they have always had them but only recently are they coming out of the closet in numbers (much like male victims of childhood sexual abuse).

Stated another way, the men are starting to come out of the closet and blame society, just like women.  Hence Equality.


It's going to be a long, fast handbasket ride and I'm not totally convinced it will be worth it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

To The Nice Folks in Anonymous

You guys (and your compadres) have been in the news a lot lately, with all the hacks.  Fine job.

Remember Gary McKinnon, the British fellow who hacked into the US government's black files?  There was an awful lot of press about this case after he got caught.  The US wanted him extradited and his lawyers wanted him held in the UK, claiming he was autistic/Ausperger's.

McKinnon used all sorts of low-tech methods to get into the network, including screen remote control software.  The most interesting part of the case, in my opinion, was Gary's claim of all the wild and wonderful things he saw while inside.  Since he was using essentially long-distance phone lines, he couldn't afford to download proof (or so he said).

So, Anonymous, perhaps you could take up where McKinnon left off and get us some actual proof of what's being done with our tax money in Black Ops.


Should you choose to accept it, of course.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Michele Bachman: This Stuff Writes Itself

The republican strategy of unleashing cougars on the Great Unwashed is either moving along really well or completely falling apart, depending on your point of view.

The whackjobitude (yes, I made that up) factor is positively through the roof.  One never has to see the video of Sarah Palin as a beauty contestant to understand that she's vacuous.  She provides all the ammunition whenever she speaks.

Michele Bachmann has been pretty under-the-radar.  Until recently.  I mentioned before that I feel really guilty for being attracted to both of them, but hell, I'm a guy and my central processing unit is centrally located.  No surprise there.

Let us begin with the First Sign of Whackiness, the porn pledge Bachmann signed.  She is the first candidate to sign this pledge, which states that she will fight pornography.  Oh yeah, and that homosexuality is curable.

It does not take a constitutional scholar to note that pornography is protected by one of my favorite amendments, the First one.  Unfortunately Bachmann is not a constitutional scholar by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact it can be argued that her brain has been negatively affected by religion to the degree that she will stand there and rail against common sense until she has to be carried off; another raving lunatic, cared for by Congressional Health Care, which is not the same health care we proles have (if we have it at all).  Speaking of the First Amendment, no more staunch a defender than Larry Flynt has a few good legal and moral points for Ms. Bachmann.

But wait - there's more!   She also pledges to fight gay marriage, abortion, and quickie divorces.  Believe me - quickie divorces are worth whatever you pay for them.

Bachman's religious-addling should completely preclude her from any serious consideration for public office.  At very least by anyone serious about the office.  Unfortunately she's playing to the Religious Right, a way too broad constituency.

Just to show you that she's consistent, Bachmann is married to Mr. Bachmann, a guy who provides `therapy' to turn gay people straight.  I would think ten minutes alone with either Bachmann would turn anyone straight, or at least turn them away in disbelief.  Mr. Bachmann has steadfastly denied practicing this therapy but was recently caught (with his pants down?) and outed.  It also turns out his clinic has received over $100,000 in Medicaid funds.  I wonder how Michele feels about that wicked little mixture.

These are the kind of folks who are but a short period away from getting caught with people of the same sex, practicing everything but what they preach.

Just when you thought the fun was winding down for the season, good old Michele comes up with this little sparkler:

“The Lord says be submissive. Wives, you are to be submissive to your husbands.” – October 2006.

I'm telling you, comedy cannot be written any better than the material they lay out for us.  

So we'd ostensibly have a president who is submissive to her husband (Clinton references aside), running the country.  Wouldn't that be sweet? 

Will Mr. Bachmann take up the rod against his wife during a press conference?  Will Michele perish in an unfortunate baptismal accident?  Will Michele's mother die after Michele misunderstands what being born again means?  Will Mr. Bachmann be caught showing his love for his fellow man in the midst of curing homosexuals?

Stay tuned....

Friday, July 8, 2011

Battle of/for the Bed [or Sleep-time Territorial Acquisition Games]

Come to think of it, during the years I've been with my wife, I have not had an easy time of getting into bed for various and sundry reasons.  This has to be on the order of eighteen years (which is why I'm better off not thinking about it).

When we first got together, I had my first rescue cocker, Joe Cocker Spaniel.  Joey was seriously deranged and more damaged than any four cockers you would meet in real life.  But he was my dog and really sweet (when he wasn't busy being deranged, of course).  He took to Mrs. leftystrat like a fish to water and in one month was her dog.  Part of being her dog was defending her turf, which largely consisted of the bed.  She went to be first and Joey followed, which apparently came with defending the bed from me when I came up later.  I'd get into bed and hear the soft growling, which rapidly ramped up to full-on defensive barking and Doggie Threatening Behavior<tm>.  This had the opposite effect on me, as the eighteen pound furry thing was threatening the guy who literally pulled him from the death line at the shelter.  Whoever had him before I did should have been shot.

Since the poor little bugger was abused, I tried to patiently let him know it was me, not a burglar, and that I was not going to hurt anybody.  This, of course, totally failed to make itself apparent to him and he continued to threaten me.  Since he would frequently fail to stop growling, I'd pick him up and move him.  The joke, as usual, was on me, as the dog would then submissively wet the bed.  Most of the time my wife slept on, blissfully unaware of the (most recent) chaos surrounding her.

But I was not going to win, one way or the other, in my largely futile battle to simply get in bed and go to sleep.

Fortunately Marshall, the latest rescue, does not defend the bed - at least in that sense of the phrase.  Marshall has developed a fondness for my pillow, to the extent that he's frequently sleeping on it or next to it when I get into bed.  As I get into bed in the dark, I will usually find this out by discovering that my pillow is a lot more fuzzy than I remembered.

Sarcasm is totally lost on cats and mostly lost on spaniels.  When I ask him if I'm in his way, he wags his tail and puts his head back down on the pillow.  When I tell him to move, bright dog that he is, he gets up and moves to the other side of the pillow (well, technically he has obeyed the command).  So I have to tell him to MOVE - NOW and finally he sets himself up on the shelf at the head of the bed or like an umbrella over my wife's head (yeah, another neurotic rescue cocker).

Sometimes, when he is not parked on my pillow, he is at the foot of the bed.  This is a very bad position to find him in, especially in the dark, which is always.  One should never sit on one's pets.  It's even worse with the cat: when I play sit on him, he still doesn't move.  But the cat is not allowed in the bedroom, as when he decides he's hungry, he starts clawing the bed until my wife feeds him or we play Feline Aviation<tm>.

So there I am, in the dark, almost sitting on the dog, when I tell him to GO LAY DOWN.  He obeys immediately and runs right up to lay on my pillow instead.  Repeat MOVING DOG FROM PILLOW TECHNIQUE (above).

SERIOUSLY


You have to appreciate my point of view: I'm very tired, having had a long day.  I just want to get into bed and go to sleep with no aggravation, territorial disputes, or obnoxious noises (or smells).

And that simply ain't gonna happen.

Because if it isn't a quadruped, it's a biped, namely the wife.  Sometimes she likes to Surprise Clean the bedroom, which usually involves rearranging huge piles of clothes (with the help of a small earthmover she keeps parked by her side of the bed).  Unfortunately the cleaning is usually interrupted by something, if not just her attention deficit disorder, and the piles now exist at the foot of the bed.

Unfortunately the foot of the bed is precisely my entrance point for the bed, which results in me finding the huge piles the hard way; in the dark, with me falling over them or onto the bed.

But I don't want to give the impression that my wife is always cleaning (or cleaning at all) or just putting things in my way for her own amusement (although I never hear the telltale chuckling that would prove it beyond a reasonable doubt).   Most of the time she just passively blocks my entry into the arms of Morpheus.

Some long-term sound guy I know observed that all guitarists twirl in one direction, which is borne out by their cords all being twisted into knots in that direction.  What does this have to do with me getting into bed?  My wife is a twirler.  She twirls around with the sheets (in one direction) and wraps herself up like an adorable little burrito.  This of course makes it more difficult to get into bed, as I have to
  1. locate the sheets or covers
  2. figure out how to obtain some small amount for myself
We tried in earnest to get by this minor impasse using what we thought of as intelligence: we put another sheet on the bed.  My wife trumped intelligence with sleep intelligence: she stole that sheet too and twirled up in it.

When she's not stealing covers, she's taking up the entire bed.  They say data expands to fill available space.  My wife expands to fill up available bed.  If we dumped the queen and went with a king size mattress, she would figure out how to take up most of that.  I would arrive (in the dark) to discover that she had taken up sleeping diagonally.

Last night my dear was sleeping in the middle of the bed, with her legs across my side.   After almost sitting on the dog, I moved to find some space (and kick the dog off my pillow) only to discover that most available space was already taken (in addition to the sheets). 

Have you ever tried to wake up a bulldozer?  It goes like this:

ME:  Honey, you need to move toward your side.
Wife: Umerrrrph...
ME: Honey, you need to move toward your side.
Wife: Umerrrrph...

Apparently there is an involved internal process involved in getting her to do something when she's sleeping.  I don't know what happens but I suspect that there are some internal messengers who write down the missive and begin the long trek to deliver it to my wife.  Eventually they discover her location and deliver the message to her and she's usually quite surprised, not to mention totally confused, by the request.

What feels like ten minutes later, but in reality is only seven minutes, she moves in the proper direction, allowing me to lay in some small space not already occupied by the dog, one of my wife's twenty-seven pillows, or random clothing that mysteriously appears on the bed.  This morning I awoke with a book of matches attached to my buttocks.  I dare not ask.

When obstruction fails (good title for a tv show, no?), there's always Mattress Dancing.  No, it's nowhere near as good as it sounds.  It probably looks like Restless Leg Syndrome (on steriods).   There's much random leg jumping, followed by what I can only describe as some sort of interesting involved internal argument, some twirling, and Random Arm Flinging (I was not born with this nose).

The next issue, which you would know instantly if you were paying attention, is attempting to acquire something with which to cover myself, aka a sheet.  As you will remember, the sheet is wrapped around my bedmate.  After some exploration and further tugging, the messengers manage to reach my wife and she unravels a few layers as a token gesture.

Fully satisfied and completely worn out, I am ready to pass out.   This would normally be a relatively simple effort, if it weren't for the snoring.  Trumpets and drums, construction equipment and small nuclear devices, as well as other sonorous events are marching across the room (and my eardrums).  It's not that I like to wake my wife from her extremely rare slumber (she gave up sleeping for lent about forty years ago), but if I don't get at least four hours per night, I'm no good at my jobs the next day.

HONEY - YOU'RE SNORING.

[long seconds later]  Mmmmrph.

Golden Silence.

Unfortunately at this point, my wife is agitated and up for the night, which sees her vaulting from the bed to begin her nighttime activities while I sleep.

And she always wants to know why I'm crabby when I get into bed.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Will God Destroy America? Stay Tuned....

How exactly does the NSA spy on American citizens, which is expressly forbidden?
Welcome to Menwith Hill, UK, where the NSA runs the show (yes, in a foreign country) and it is not illegal to spy on American citizens.  Talk about your little loopholes....

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Swiss political party tries to ban Power Point.
Those Swiss are certainly a rocking bunch.  First the Pirate Party and now they want to ban Power Point.   It's not that anyone could possibly disagree with them (well, maybe the idiots in Manglement).  Their platform is that Power Point wastes billions of dollars of time and it should be eliminated.

Perhaps it's about time our illustrious `leaders' studied the political systems of countries like this. 

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Just in case you missed it last week, Pat Robertson has stated that God will destroy America because of gay marriage.

I shall not address the fact that Robertson apparently hears voices and has delusions of grandeur.  I will only speculate that God probably has better things to do than persecute love (although the fact that Robertson remains alive is a possible argument to the contrary).

Robertson is a smart cookie, though.  He has remained unconvicted after all these years.

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Did you know that Microsoft makes more money from Android than its own mobile operating system?  Why do you think it bought up all those linux patents?  So it can threaten manufacturers.  Many, including HTC, have decided to pay a tax to Microsoft rather than go to court.

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You can atone for using Windows by checking out one of the twenty linux alternatives for common Windows applications.

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So, who's next on the Hacked Brigade?  Morgan Stanley, which warned 34,000 clients of a data breach.  Addresses, account ID, tax information and social security numbers were at risk.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Samsung Galaxy Tablet Review

I have been playing with a few tablets lately, trying to figure out where they fit in my bag-o-tricks.  At work we got a Samsung Galaxy (7") and a Motorola Xoom (10"), both through Verizon, our carrier.  My boss gravitated to the Galaxy and me to the Xoom almost immediately.

I don't care how much of an old wives' tale it is, size matters.  Upon first glance, there was simply not enough screen real estate happening for me on the Galaxy.

Fast forward some time and a change of carrier (T-Mobile).  I am loving my HTG Sensation 4G.  The phone is full of features and a real speed demon.  Unfortunately 4G is nowhere near as easy to pick up as top speed on the Verizon network, but we were expecting this.

I also received a Samsung Galaxy.  I would have preferred the upcoming 10" model but that's not what I got.  The Galaxy is a 7" model and only does 3G.  I can summarize the review thusly: it's a very large Android Phone.

I am intimately familiar with Android, which is a good thing.  I had the first Droid, which I mostly liked.  With reference to the Galaxy being a large phone, the one really weird thing about it is that a few of the programs from the marketplace (it uses all the stock Android apps) are sized for cell phones and thus don't take up the entire screen.  I guess the programmers have to put in an option for a larger screen (don't ask me - I can't program), which wasn't available when the phones first came out.

The device came with all the expected goodies: headphones, charger, and the obligatory special cable that converts the Galaxy to regular old USB.  I hate proprietary cables.  When looking for accessories, remember that there is also a Galaxy phone, so don't get them confused.  Your first purchase should be one of the shell cases with a kickstand.  You might also want some screen protectors and a spare proprietary cable.

Very important to me is performance and the Galaxy performs decently.  This is a slightly older device so it does not perform as well as the Xoom or my Sensation dual-processor phone, which is a little disappointing.  The manufacturers also need to get their stuff together with button placement: the Sensation and Galaxy have the Android buttons in different orders at the bottom of the screen.

The  audio is decent, although it could be louder.   The screen is very nice and, as usual, rotates.  It is not too heavy, although it probably could be slimmer.  None of these are deal-breakers.

There are five default screens, which seems to be a good number.  You can obviously make all sorts of changes to wallpaper and appearance, as you could with any Android device.  Remember that live wallpapers eat processor and battery more than static wallpaper.

It plays nicely with linux, which the Xoom didn't.  Just plug in and the device asks whether you just want to charge or appear to be a storage device..  Nicely done.

The wife and internal kids went nuts over the game selection.  She recently got a Crackberry Torch [the first was bad out of the box and the second seems to be headed in that direction too].  Although she enjoys the Crackberry, she really seems to be an Android girl, preferring the selection and instantly understanding the controls.

MANDATORY PRIVACY ALERT:

Like any other cell phone, it has all of the regular privacy-eating features, like GPS tracking, credential-remembering, and general tracking.  Some people find this convenient: I do not.  Do not be fooled by requests to divulge your location for 911 purposes: you can be tracked quite well by cell tower triangulation as it stands.

APPS:

No matter how many Android devices I have, here are my favorite apps:

  • Timeriffic: set up profiles to control the device's functions by time of day and day of week - saves battery life by shutting off phone in the wee hours.
  • Scanner Radio: listen to police and fire scanners, locally and across the world
  • Xiia lite: listen to streaming radio stations
  • Wifi Widget: turn wifi on or off with one button
  • Opera: a great, fast browser
  • World News: read news and feeds from all over
  • Reason/Drudgereport/BBC News apps
  • gStrings Free: my favorite guitar tuner
  • Sparse RSS: no frills rss feed reader, imports .opml files from your main rss reader
  • AndFTP/AndVNC/ConnectBot: ftp, vnc and ssh connectivity tools, cross-platform
  • Maildroid: a decent email client which doesn't start by itself, like K-9.

 WELL?

The Galaxy 7" tablet is pretty cool.  As I mentioned before, it's just a very large cell phone.  What you can do with a very large cell phone is up to you.  I am experimenting with taking it to meetings for notes, although I prefer my Ubuntu-powered 12" netbook.  It definitely gets a lot of use at home, where the cell phone is too small and a laptop isn't handy.   You save a lot of time over devices that have to boot.  And everyone seems to love Angry Birds.

While I do like the tablet, I miss the Xoom's performance, OS, and extra screen real estate.  I do not miss the Xoom's not-ready-for-prime-time experience though...


Here's a minor niggle: every Android device I have used cannot tolerate recording at above voice levels.  Even acoustic guitar tends to distort the inputs.  I'd like to record my band but the sound is completely distorted.  As a coworker beamingly pointed out, his iDevice made a great sounding video - no distortion at all.