No Rest for the Wonderful

 Your love is like   a choir of kidney stones

You knew the car coming home from the body shop wouldn't be the last of it.

And it wasn't. 

It has a flat.

Today in Olympic news:  the US Trans Bodybuilding team won everything. Everything.

I'm going to blame CostCo for the flat, the last place the car was.

The place poor Mrs. lefty got badgered and literally assaulted by some crazy lady, who accused her of stealing her cart. Yeah, the lady with the cane stole your cart, then whizzed away so fast you couldn't see her, right?  The police showed up, whereupon the crazy lady started yelling at them. They sent her away with a few pieces of paper.

I have never wanted to be at CostCo, but I wanted to be there at that moment. Lady, if you slap my wife one more time, I will break every bone in your hand, slowly. I will make you count them as I break them. If you do not appear sufficiently contrite, I'll start on the other hand. 

After the police leave, you will write weekly letters of apology, and do 47 hours per week charity work. for the foreseeable future. You will also take college level courses in anger management.

If you fail to make one visit, I will get mad. You do not want to see me mad.

Today I identify as   a pair of cheap computer speakers. I am everywhere hahahahHAHAHAHA!

But we clean. No, really.

Every now and then we get the Cleaning Bug<tm> and have at it.

This time I discovered the Cleaning Bug<tm> can be cured with antibiotics or chocolate.

Actually the bug was cured by attempting to clean.

 Scenes from a Cleaning

• pick up trashcan in house, 4 things attack me, trash spills
• Mom comes to help, walks into dust, isn't seen til time to leave
• HONEY.... I can't put together the clutter organizer you bought because there's too much clutter
• We've got to clean off the table. Ok, where do you want this box? Put it on the table
• This week in vacuuming: it picked up everything. Except the red dog hair. It used to pick up dog hair. Maybe it needs a new bag. It takes bags? Yeah. Where are they? Stop asking stupid questions. They'll pop up. Eventually...
• why are there six car trunks from 1957 Chevys by the table? You don't wanna know. Anything interesting in them? You definitely don't wanna know. Repeat after me: these are all factory new...
• I don't want to say you don't listen to me, but I said 1957 left handed Stratocasters, not 1957 Chevy trunk assemblies. Meh, I guess they're close enough to get mixed up...
• remember the paper boy who went missing in 2004?

Fortunately Wife will deal with the flat. I'll work. Working provides structure. If I don't have structure, there's no telling what I might get into. Or who.

Still, one must wonder what the fsck is going on here.

• All the crashes to the last car, and now it's starting on the new car. We do not hit people - they hit us. Frequently without insurance.
• Tri-plumbing emergency.
• 2 cancerous cockers
• a house that knows when I get a few dollars and breaks accordingly

It has been one after another for at least ten years.

Can somebody explain this shit?

One of my friends absolutely poo-pooed any thought that it's personal. 

I asked him if this happens to him or anyone he knows.

Well...

I don't want to think it's personal - that's just weird.

But the shit falling is so regular and predictable, it certainly feels this way.

"You get more than your share."  When I hear this, I feel better. Nothing is sweeter than validation.

But I still have to pay for it...

We just bought 16 cases of sage. We're going to do the car and the house. So if you hear a lot of fire engines looking for flames, it's probably us.

BUT WAIT!

a friend dropped off some incense that's supposed to help.

C'mon now... incense? My friends burned that stuff in high school. I hated the smell.

Try it.

Does it smell like vanilla ice cream?

No.

Dammit. Does it smell like pumpkin spice?

No.

SOLD. What is it?

Frankincense.

I see. I don't suppose any myrrh will be involved...

No, just frankincense.

No babies - you know I hate kids.

Nope.

Camels?

No.

Mangers? I'm allergic to hay.

Negative.

Am I still a wise man?

That is up for discussion.

So I just burn this stanky stuff when some planet or other goes into retrograde?

And Mondays.

You have to figure that even things we can't see don't like Mondays.

And put this in your pocket 

Dare I ask what it is?

It's a quartz crystal.

I see.

No you don't.

What does it do?

Protection.

Oh, wait, I got this one... if anything bad happens, I take the stone out of my pocket and wing it at someone, right?

You have just split the physical and the metaphysical.

Hey, I'm just that kinda guy.

You must recharge the quartz monthly.

Does it use the USB-C plug or the old one?

[sigh] No good deed ever goes unpunished. TO THE LIONS!

Speaking of BlueTooth speakers, it appears they're mono. Every one I've seen, anyway.

Without arguing whether it's necessary, I find it interesting.

• Rutgers banned unvaccinated students from attending virtual classes
• another institute of higher learning 

The beatings will continue until "health" improves        - @mkibbe

• The president of game server company Tripwire stepped down over support for Texas abortion law
• stop it already. So he has an opinion. I disagree with it but support his right to have his opinion. The only thing I'd be concerned about, if I gave a rip about games, is if he did his job well.  More witch hunts.

In 8 US states, Apple will begin storing driver’s licenses on the iPhone

What could possibly go wrong? 

What about android phones?

• Coronavirus can spread among vaccinated people
• No it can't.
• Ok, yes it can.
• Get your booster.
• Still. No. Clue.

US states that had some of the worst Covid-19 case rates in past week also reported the highest rates of new vaccinations

Android sends 20x more data to Google than iOS sends to Apple, study says

Google: no we don't. Ok, we do, but we're 'improving' the situation.

Internet shutdowns by governments have ‘proliferated at a truly alarming pace’

Of course they have. Governments need to be kept away from the hardware/software. This is part of Full Control. Heaven forbid anything serious happens, rest assured there will be connectivity issues. Also watch for back doors in encryption.

The government is already monitoring everything going through the net via humongous taps in carrier service rooms. This is fact.

• California bill takes aim at Amazon’s productivity-tracking algorithms
• this tells us that the government is meddling in Amazon's business, plus Amazon has productivity-tracking algorithms. Neither being too surprising.

My cousin got her shots. Upon completion of the second one, the pharmacist said, "Great, now we can schedule your booster."  She was not amused. Her arm hurt for days and she was out of it for a day or so.

People around eastern PA like to visit the Pocono Mountains.

If you're from southeast PA, it's pronounced mou-ans.

A relative has a cabin. For some reason, that was entirely hunger, a bear took a fancy to it.

The bear ripped the screen door out and punched out the glass in the wood door.

The bear has obviously done this before. Are there Bear Universities where they learn this stuff?

Don't feed the animals, people.

Get some bear repellent, loud noisemakers, and a gun to fire up in the air.

Don't be bear food. I recommend against it.

• I've been trying to figure out what I hate about Teams, aside from everything and it's Microsoft.
• I think a great start would be to make all bleeps and popups opt-in and optional. Most of them are extremely annoying and not needed. Every meeting dropping notes into the Teams chat is silly, and I don't need to be notified every time it happens. I don't need a BING and large blue notification when someone starts a meeting I'm scheduled for in 5 minutes anyway. I didn't ask for them, yet they popped up anyway.
• Microsoft - you should take notice. When somebody who doesn't like your software makes a suggestion, there may be value in it.
• and while you're at it, when someone highlights text, why not make it an automatic copy, like linux? It does away with an extra step.

An astrobiologist suggests viruses may form a vital part of ecosystems on other planets.

Fauci, the FDA, and the CDC are petitioning NASA for immediate flights to these other planets, to give them shots.

Cheese Locker

 Your love is like  slamming a stapler on a finger

I love me a weird band name. The last band had no sense of humor and rejected 154 of my suggestions. My absolute favorite was Male Pattern Baldness. Rejected out of hand. Probably because most of them suffered from it. Still....

The other day one of the wives asked me for something. I didn't hear her right - I heard 'cheese locker.' I immediately thought it was a great band name.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... PLEASE WELCOME...  CHEESE LOCKER!

Today in Olympic News:  the blue team lost to the red team

• I spent some quality time with our Microsoft Teams expert at work.
• As promised, she answered all my questions, usually with "You can't do that."
• We agreed it's full of major annoyances and not worth the servers needed to run it.

Today I identify as  chocolate pudding   

(eat me)

I have a new theory.   (uh-oh)

I've been a bit snippy lately.

You're asking yourself how this is different.

Ok, a bit more snippy than usual.

Thank you.

I spent some Quality Time<tm> working on this, so you need to spend some quality time reading.

Oh.

At first I thought it was work. I rejected this out of hand because I like my job and it can be done by trained monkeys. So work's out.

Then I asked myself when am I least miserable. The answer was when I am on the couch, at rest.

BINGO: I came up with the answer - it's motion. Motion causes depression and agita. I'm fine when I'm sitting there, but not fine when I have to move. So if we remove annoying things like MOWING from my life, the quality of life cannot help but get better. "Just don't ask me to do anything" may not go over well with the wife, but we're early in the discovery process.

When I finally have it down, I need to publish it in a peer-reviewed journal, then figure out how to make billions off it.

You can rest assured there will be organized pushback, from wives' groups and mower manufacturers and anybody else with a vested interest in the status quo. We must be prepared to fight the opposition (from our couches). 

I want you to know that when I'm a billionaire, I will continue with the blog, continue working, and develop a charitable organization, partially dedicated to removing Bill Gates and his ideas from public view. Maybe animal charities. And lefty's home for wayward women. I can do so much good from my own couch.

• Happy 30th birthday, linux

Are you a T-Mobile customer? Worried about your data being exposed in the breach?

How to protect yourself.

• The All-Seeing "i": Apple Just Declared War on Your Privacy - by Edward Snowden

Flying AIDS News  

U.S. plans COVID-19 booster shots at six months instead of eight - WSJ

Japan suspends 1.6 million Moderna doses over contamination fears

Coronavirus origins: US intelligence report 'inconclusive'

What to know about the US COVID booster plan—and why WHO hates it

Only 2 people in an elevator? Now they're just making this stuff up.

• Nirvana sued by the baby from Nevermind's album cover
• what a load of excrement. Child exploitation? It was a picture of a baby.  Somebody's looking for a payday.

Waymo starts offering autonomous rides in San Francisco

Shuts down after being branded racist within 2 hours 

Google and Microsoft promise billions to help bolster US cybersecurity

because we don't pay enough taxes to the Military Industrial Complex

and they have done such a great job securing your data...

Last night I rode in the new, repaired car.

It performed as expected.

Nobody sprung from nowhere, aiming their car at it.

Nobody stopped short in front of me.

There were no pedestrians to cause me to suddenly accelerate.

Ever have a butter cake? They're really good, especially microwaved til the butter frosting melts.

Samsung can remotely disable their TVs using TV Block.

It's an interesting world when a phone and tv manufacturer can remotely turn off its products.

This is also true with of android and iOS.

Considering Samsung is the major manufacturer of android phones, it's pretty disconcerting. Samsung is also a major privacy violator, especially with their TVs. They were judged to be the worst, from the initial agreement forward.

• Elon Musk tweeted that he turned on the latest full self-driving beta and says it's "actually not great"
• We haven't been able to make it crash into trees or spontaneously combust. We hope to do better in the next beta.

In other Tesla news, Elon is working on a new slogan. Tesla: remember, we track your car every time you go to the gentleman's club.

Joe Biden said that, when pulling out of Afghanistan, chaos was inevitable, and you should blame Trump.

I was talking to the president the other day and we were both laughing over America's 20 years in Afghanistan. Now people are upset. He said those Afghans were really sleek-looking dogs and he might adopt one after his vicious German Sheperd died. He said there was a lot less trouble with foreign enemies at the White House since he adopted Major.

I have the gift of being able to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time, all unintentionally. Last night I was eclipsed.

My friend was about to get in his car and related something his racist brother used to say.

The punchline was "A dead nig*." As he got to the punchline, I'm trying to shush him. It wasn't working, and we were right in front of a house with black neighbors. So as this comes out of his mouth, I'm ready to crawl under his car. I hope my neighbors are still speaking to us. Or to her, nobody talks to me.

Don't ask me what the joke was. 

The NYPD got into a 12 hour standoff with a graffiti 'artist.' They used drones to eventually persuade the artist to come down.

Next week the NYPD is taking training exercises in how to deal with standoffs with petty thieves, jay walkers, and people using umbrellas in the sun. A spokesperson said that they will not stop shooting people who don't use their turn signals. It also helps with traffic congestion. All of these criminals will be apprehended with drones and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

In other news, police dressed like FedEx drivers are arresting people for drugs. 

Failed experiments involved the police dressing like morticians, werewolves, and Superman to arrest people.

T-Mobile Translation Time

T-Mobile's CEO says he's 'truly sorry' for 50 million users' data hacked.

I am truly sorry I got caught.

the company spends lots of effort to try to stay ahead of criminal hackers

We now have to spend lots of effort in not getting caught 

Knowing that we failed to prevent this exposure is one of the hardest parts of this event.

We are red-faced at getting caught 

We will do what's necessary

to not get caught again 

the company has notified “just about every” current customer who was affected

the company has notified "just about every" current customer that we got caught. By newspaper ad.

• New Zealand police break up one-person anti-lockdown protest in Auckland
• it was a tense, 13 hour standoff, with input from the NYPD 

The officer who shot and killed an unarmed protester during the Captiol riot says 'I saved countless lives'

The unarmed protester would have obviously gone on to kill 37 people (and Nancy Pelosi), possibly with her breath. Or her deathly stare.

• A man is dead after he was beaten with a rock in North Philadelphia
• ROCK CONTROL! 

The planet of California is considering paying drug addicts to stay sober.

Gov. Gavin Newsom has asked the federal government for permission to use tax dollars to pay for it through Medicaid

also wants to pay people with hangnails, stuffed noses, and and paper cuts 

A Georgia teacher zip-tied a child in class. She has been reassigned to a job without students.

Where she zip-tied her coworkers to chairs.

When asked why, she said, "Oh c'mon, it's fun! How many of you haven't thought of it?" 

What is the Airspeed Velocity of Congress?

 Your love is like  painful constipation

Door-opening cicadas?

H-bombing Bumblebees

Gun-shooting cats (not really a surprise)

Tunnel-Boring Giraffes

Sort of related: drones that hunt down humans by listening to their screams.  Ummm.... what if they're not screaming? Do they drop $1500 hammers on them? Are they preceded by notification that the Masked Furry has been canceled?

Today I identify as  Siamese twins

• Your iDevice is taking pictures of you, without your knowledge or permission 

US House Rep Mo Brooks tweeted his Gmail password and PIN Sunday.

How?

He had it on a yellow sticky on his monitor, of which he took a picture.

This is the worst negative stereotype in the IT world.

People like this shouldn't be allowed near computers. It's 2021, people. Computers aren't new.

Cyber athletes to form US Cyber Team

can you imagine?

I have a preliminary list of games....

• the 500 minute gaming chair sit
• fastest involuntary Windows reboot
• largest consumption of Monster drink in 60 seconds
• pass the browser cookies
• 100 second login sprint

Are you still using Gmail? Check out the 11 best Gmail alternatives  

[HINT: Protonmail]

50 years ago, NASA relaxed quarantine rules from returning Moon missions.

However, we still scrub down the Moon-bound ships so we don't contaminate the poor Moon

Can you imagine the Moon contaminated by...

• the Flying AIDS
• Cardio B - Top Hits radio
• the common cold, which would kill the Moon aliens
• the Masked Furry
• Chinese-made American flags

You know when they land, Elon Musk will be there, waving at them.

So that Alzheimer's drug the FDA approved that they shouldn't have?

Since the FDA’s approval yesterday, researchers and pharma watchers have called the agency’s decision “disgraceful,” “a grave error,” and a “dangerous precedent” that will end up “eroding confidence in the agency as a whole.”

Can you imagine confidence in the FDA eroding?

"Wait," you say... "That ship already sailed?"

• ThermionicEmissions would like to sincerely apologize: the Bay of Pigs was not Rob Reiner's pool party. We have made a note and it will not happen again.

The dog seems to take some strange pleasure out of making me work.

Two days ago she disembowled one of her stuffed animals, but instead of stuff, it was little plastic balls. I spent a while getting them up with our single cooperative vacuum.

And last night, there was another pile of little plastic balls.

Add these to the pile of toys she keeps at the foot of the couch, and you have Pretty Penny, the Dirt Dog.

I know dogs aren't supposed to have these kind of emotions, but it happens every time. Somewhere, somehow, she earned her Vacuum Badge.

She also got hold of a Lindt white chocolate truffle, wrapped. She's been carrying it around for days. I don't know about you, but if there's a Lindt truffle near me, it's going to be eaten immediately, not carried around. Maybe she's saving it for the right moment. Maybe she hasn't figured out how to unwrap it. She can open a peanut shell, eat the peanuts, then spit out the shell. 

She's a complex dog.

Inanely complex.

Good thing she's cute.

• Chipotle is raising prices to offset its $15 minimum wage hike
• isn't that nice? people demand an exorbitant wage and the customers pay for it

I'm a victim of Microsoft Teams. Sometimes I have to amuse myself.

I wait til my friend is in Presenting mode, then send an email with the subject: herpes treatment

If the settings are just right, 'herpes treatment' pops up on their screen, while they're presenting.

(There is only one person who doesn't think it's hilarious)

• Breast Implant Illness is a thing?
• don't test the theory - perhaps you should stop putting bags of silicone under your skin 

I think my fridge does stuff while we're asleep.

We haven't caught it yet, but something's always out of place.

Wife thinks it does stuff around the house.

I think it goes places.

Some say you go places in your dreams.

Imagine going somewhere and running into your fridge...

I wonder.... is the fridge somehow involved in hiding the mustard?

There's this phenomenal horseradish mustard that's the only thing we use. It's so strong, it will singe your nose hair. In case you're wondering, that's a good thing. You never realize how many things require mustard until you're out of it. Sliced turkey sandwich? Mustard. Corned beef and cabbage? Mustard. 4 day tenderized breast of transmission? Mustard. Roast beef sandwich? Mayo. [NOOOOOOOOO... that's just not right. you don't put mayo on beef].

Only it's been really difficult to find lately. We have 3 local stores that 'carry' it, and when I say carry it, I mean we find it there once in a while. Maybe we put it in the fridge and it pushes the bottles to the back, where we can't find them. Especially me.. men can't find anything, anywhere. So when we open the fridge, if it doesn't personally fall off the shelf and hit us in the eye, causing the police and emergency room to get involved, while we deny anybody at all, specifically our spouse, hit us. We swear - it was the mustard. We couldn't find a huge turkey in the fridge. We're just not equipped to look for things. I think it's evolutionary. When we were cavemen (and cavewomen, and everybody was binary), men went out hunting. We had to find bison, deer, and wild soda. These were large. We had no trouble seeing them. When we brought them home, the women did something with them that made them virtually invisible. Little has changed. Then when we learned where things went, she changed it. So we already can't find things and it's now worse because she moved (hid) them. 

I'm just going to call the mustard place and have them ship me a case.

While this sounds like a smart move, the same thing is going to happen when we finish the last bottle. 

While trying to find the mustard, the fridge threw up some additional barriers, in the form of road closures. I would never complain about road work, but it just seems like you can't get there from here. If the road has a number on it, like 476, 29th, or 666, it's under construction and traffic is at a standstill. Some of the motorists have a rolling game of Yahtzee going. The older drivers are sitting around, talking about their favorite hobby, going to the doctor. Even the assholes, who will literally point a gun at you if they think you cut them off, are hanging out with the old folks, crying about their misspent youth and wanting their mothers. If you can find a way to make a U-turn, it's only going to become gridlocked in that direction too. The exit for the store that carries the mustard is closed. So someone buys a convenience store sandwich, gets 100 yards from the house, then has to go to the other store that carries the mustard, because the sandwiches required mustard. All of this is going on at 2pm, which is not rush hour, even for Philthydelphia. Browsing the website, I see a ton of horseradish products, none of which is mustard. I could have a sinking feeling, but no, they'll just ship me some personally.

Aaaaaaaaaaand it's fscking discontinued.

Mind you, the traffic won't be discontinued - just my mustard.

This is the kind of rollercoaster ride you get here at ThermionicEmissions. You experience it as I do. You feel my disappointments. You'll feel my triumphs too, as soon as I do.

• Fauci says when you attack me, you are attacking science.
• Nah, just your competence and salary.

The acting head of the Transportation Security Administration has issued a memo warning that 131 of the nation’s largest airports will face staffing shortages this month while asking office workers to volunteer to assist with airport checkpoints.

Because office staff has no training, it should put them on equal footing with airport staff.

They will need some direction....

• Here is where you fondle them
• Tell them no one will see their xray, then go behind the wall and look at it
• Tell them any amount of liquid is over the maximum and confiscate it
• Tell every 20th passenger they're on the no-fly list, just for fun
• If you find anything interesting, tell them they can't fly with it and take it home
• let any explosives or guns through - things have been boring lately

 

Last issue I said I wouldn't ask readers to contribute money or buy me stuff on Amazon. It makes me very uncomfortable. Although I didn't say Reverb or Lark Street Music, they were implied.

So today I told Mrs. lefty I had a difficult choice and sought her help.

Did I want the $1200 lefty Brian May (Queen) guitar or the lefty 1957 Stratocaster, which is refinished, so it's only $17,500. I'm leaning toward the Strat. Mrs. lefty was leaning in the other direction. Quickly.

I get the distinct impression I'm not getting either.

I tried explaining that a craftsman or musician is only as good as his tools. I bought Craftsman tools because they were very good and lasted. So why should I settle for $600 guitars? Mind you, she is the same person who told me to get the laptop I really wanted because I'm usually attached to it.

So I'm not getting horseradish mustard OR a ridiculously expensive guitar.

Life could be much worse.

Captivity - Day 84 Wanna See My Tire Iron?

Live Sitcom Time occurred today. This is one of those times when things seem so bizarre, you think you must be on tv.

Mrs lefty is in her office. I'm enjoying the cool air on the couch, stretched out, getting ready to start the snoring.

--> LIGHTS <--

BANG

CRASH

WHOOSH BANG

Ok, I'll play.... I opened a singular eye.  The light is blinding and Mrs lefty is sliding stuff off the table onto the floor and into the trash.  BANG

I'm amazed at the timing. It was minutes after I laid down. I looked around for the tv cameras but couldn't find any. No studio audience either.  CRASH

I couldn't let this go, so in my sweetest tone, I asked if I was sleeping too quietly for her.

NO, I killed 3 [BANG]  4 ants!
Everything has to be thrown out and get the ant bait. I'll spray. Call the neighbors... if we have 4, they probably have hundreds. This is the time of year when they come inside.

I'll call the police too, just to let them know.
It's going to be a long night.



Flying AIDS Fallout

I hate to sound like a reviewer or salesman, but medicine is undergoing a paradigm change as a result of the Flying AIDS. Because of the way telehealth worked out, docs and patients are supposedly really happy with it. This will be an important factor when people are 'allowed' to go to work and the doctor's office. Doc may not be that interested in seeing you in-person. It's causing problems now because most docs and staff aren't in their office, so they can't get to everything or communicate immediately with their staff and coworkers.

Consider that your 'appointment' can be over the phone or video, using your phone or other device. Are you comfortable with either of these? Do you have a space that you can be alone and not be overheard? Do you want Doc to see what's on your walls or your naked spouse running around the room? Does telemedicine sound good to you?



Americans are a bright, creative group, who can weather any storm. To that effect, strip clubs are offering 'coronavirus-free lap dances', drive-thru pole dances, and food delivery.  A lap dance with a mask-wearing stripper, performed 6' away sounds less than optimal, but who am I to judge? It just proves we have great imaginations too.

(Reuters) - Sexual activity among young American men has declined sharply since 2000, with nearly a third reporting no sex with a partner in the prior year, according to a survey study published on Friday that suggests social media and electronic gaming might be filling the void.  Any male who would refuse sex for social media or games should be examined: blood work, intrusive psychotherapy, testosterone levels, penis check, and STD testing to make sure the worms haven't bored into his brain and eaten it slowly. The only thing that would cause this in men over 20 would be marriage.



Social media 'influencers', as a term, ar just silly
With that in mind, I just read that the influencers are wearing blackface, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter.  I remember way back in the dark past (of last week), Jimmy Fallon was on his knees, apologizing for being in blackface over 10 years ago.  There appears to be some uncertainty about whether blackface is ok or not. After we figure this out, we can ignore the social media influencers and force them to get real jobs.



Told You So
The other day I said that you can't have a discussion because you're not allowed to talk about certain things. Stealing my thunder, days later, is NY Mag's Intelligencer, where Andrew Sullivan asks "Is there still room for debate?" He's right. Of course I was right first.



Can you explain to me how one of the largest corporations on earth can put out an email program that won't open to the same size every time? Sometimes it comes up like I set it. Sometimes fullscreen or halfscreen. (rhymes with Mouthbook365)

And that same humongous entity can put out a huge chat program that can't remember your audio/video settings and cannot be made smaller than 1/4 of your entire screen, like its predecessor? (rhymes with Beams)

We know how I feel about Microsoft, but this annoys normal people too.



China media says the US is having a 'cultural revolution'.
Offers to lend Trump a tank for Al Sharpton to stand in front of.



Listen up, Christians
Christianity Today calls for churches to pay reparations to black people: "Repentance is not enough."

A spokesman for Black Lives Matter said that they were recruiting heavily due to multiple upcoming church protests.

Fearing peaceful protest, churches are upgrading their fire detectors.

It's 1am: Time to Put the Pillow on the Dog

I've mentioned my constant, recurring issues around my bed.
No, it's not what you think.
Normal people can walking into the room and fall into bed.
Like the rest of my life, I am not normal.

Mrs lefty twirls.
While this is not a problem for anybody, it winds up being mine, because she twirls while attached to sheets and blankets. Many times, in the middle of the night, I wake to find myself completely without sheet or blanket. I don't hold her responsible; after all, she left me damn near 6" of blanket. She has a death grip on said blanket and has twirled herself into a calzone, so, like most men, I won't be getting any. My guilt over possibly waking her falls prey to freezing my ass off and I pull.
Nope.
I pull harder. There is a result this time: she grabs the blanket harder, chastising me in some language even she doesn't know, and rolls away further.

As a concession, she left most of the blanket on my side.
This is a direct take on "Kick the ball, Charlie Brown." I fall for it every time.
Within an hour, she has twirled herself into all of the available covers, not even leaving me my customary 6".

As a 2nd concession, we got out two blankets.
The 1st night, she twirled the entire sheet. It's ok, I had a blanket.
The 2nd night, she got the blanket too.
When I mentioned this, my voice quaking from the shivering from the pneumonia I got, she giggled and said she was sorry. This I understand. What I don't understand is why she keeps asking me to get additional life insurance. She tells me it's to take care of her in case anything happens to me. I want that for her, so we're pretty well-insured. There's a delicate balance between Enough and "If I get more, she'll kill me and they'll never find the body." It's a hell of a dance, believe me. She watches those true crime tv shows. Nothing wrong with this; millions watch these at the same time. But when I watch it with her, her lips move, as if she's telling them what to do next. Sometimes she says it out loud, half a second before they do. The most scary time is shows like Deadly Women, where women perform unspeakable acts upon their spouse, not just killing them, but making them writhe in agony, like a cat torturing a mouse.  My fear-based shaking is only made worse when she cheers as the man finally dies. She jumps up and down on the couch, squealing and clapping her hands, like an 8 year old girl with pompoms. It is at times like these, I become invisible as quickly as possible, and hide in the Panic Room.

So, we have 2 sheets and 2 blankets. This is a workable solution, and now I wake up without her having twirled a single item of my sleeping equipment. Unfortunately, said equipment is still missing. Instead of falling victim to twirling, it has fallen to gravity. I wake up, every night, to find most of my blanket on the floor. This is a new thing, which bears further study, like how the Roseanne show has no Roseanne. Yet every time I get into bed, it has been rearranged, kinda like our kitchen. "Honey, where's the honey?" It's on the washer. "But yesterday you said it was in the pantry. The washer's in the basement." Yes, I rearranged. "You should probably tell me when you make minor adjustments, like putting the washer in the basement." Sorrrry. One night the covers are in place. The next night, they aren't. The next next night, they're on the dresser. Sometimes they're in the middle of the bed, in a knot. On really good nights, the pillow and covers are hanging in midair, by themselves.
Wife pointed to dog. This is a very effective technique because when I ask the dog if she did it, or any question at all, she wags her tail and tries to lick my face. So I generally re-make my bed nightly. Making the bed is like washing the car: why bother? It's only gonna get dirty again anyway.

So aside from that, everything's fine.
Well, except for the dog.
Penny, for some reason, loves to tunnel and cocoon herself in blankets. She arrived with the customary complement of fur and plays outside in the snow, so it's safe to say she's not cold. Yet she burrows into blankets. Every morning, we have to play Spot the Cocker in the blankets, so we don't trample her on the mad rush to get out of bed and make coffee, stopping every other day or so to get dressed.

When Penny's not cocooned, she's usually in the middle somewhere. Sometimes between pillows, sometimes on my pillow. Always adorable, that dog. She came in a perfectly normal dog, and within months, she sits at the door and whines when her mommy leaves.

One of the best nights barely even involved cover twirling.
A very smart woman, Mrs lefty discovered the key to a long marriage is never seeing each other, so she sleeps when I'm awake and vice-versa. Her schedule got messed up and she somehow wound up in bed when I was. I would have been shocked and pleasantly surprised, but I didn't notice her get in. In fact, I don't notice her get out either. My body did me one favor in all the time I've had it: it adjusted itself to sleep in the middle of tank battles on a small tactical nuclear weapons testing range. This is because she gets into and out of bed every 20 minutes.  She'll start snoring, then leap up and say she'll never get any sleep, and wander out of the room. My body realized it would be 6' underground if it got up every time she did, so it lets me sleep.

So I'm having a great time, sleeping, even though I think I'm not, when I hear SSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That's code for "you're snoring, you idiot. Cut it out, before we play Famous Female Murderers." Feeling great guilt (it's my heritage), I leap for my Snore Stopper. It's a very strange device she got me. It looks like any normal black hood - the kind an executioner might wear, but it's got extra padding around the mouth and nose area. My theory on how it works is that it stops snoring by a process called Air Reduction: if I don't get a lot of air, I don't snore. I could be mistaken, but she assures me it works and tells me to keep wearing it. Even when she's not in bed. I reach for my handy earphone, where my phone plays things to make me sleep, like recordings of singer of hit records getting tortured (which generally sounds like them performing the hit records). Finding the cord, I pick it up, at which point the phone goes rocketing to the floor. Now here's the strange part: Wife strongly objects to my snoring, but she doesn't hear my fusillade of cursing, having seen the phone go down again. Reaching around the floor, in the dark, I locate the cord, but the phone is nowhere to be found. I gave up, figuring it would let me know where it was when it rang. I later found it, 6' in the air, with the pillow. I reached for the Hood Stopper and immediately fell out of bed. It's ok - the large pointy metal table caught me.  Amityville ain't got nothin' on us.

Why, you ask, did I fall out of bed?  Is it because I'm the worst kind of klutz imaginable? While that is true, that's not the reason. No, I fell off because I have literally 6" of bed to myself. My little darling dog has her head on a spare pillow and the back of her across my spot. If she were sleeping any closer, she would have been inside my stomach. I attempted to move her, where I was as successful as de-twirling Wife, and cherished my 6". Wait, that didn't come out right...



My work computer is confused.
I put it to sleep last night, because I always like saying that.
This morning it stared at me, with only a white screen, silently mocking me.
Everything I had going on when I put it to sleep (all saved) was lost, as it continued to sit there, like Rob Reiner, but making no noise.
I hard rebooted. It slogged on, barely booting.
I think I surprised it. It just wasn't ready to boot up.
It's like walking through molasses, which is how a friend describes depression.
Maybe my computer is depressed.

There's yet another program with an issue: Microsoft Teams.
I installed it for a single presentation, so now it remains, thinking it's a VIP (Very Important Program). While booting, the Teams screen comes up. NO - I DON'T want this friggin program coming up, so I hit CLOSE. Not content with my very clear answer, it brings up a FULL PAGE notice that something's wrong with Teams and maybe I should reboot. Something's wrong with Windows, but rebooting ain't gonna fix it. When this crap is over, I start Office. Office has a long history of never coming up the way you left it. If I drag the window to a custom size, it opens larger, or full page. This is a known issue, across several releases. Microsoft apparently doesn't care enough to do anything about it, preferring instead that Office just take over all available screen real estate... it just does what it wants. You can count on it to open in any size (except the one you left it in).  This is closely related to Skype, which you physically cannot resize below about 25% of the screen. It just stops at that size, obstructing whatever else is on the screen. Microsoft is such a small company, they can't afford anybody to fix these bugs.

Speaking of which, a Microsoft employee just mentioned on Twitter that he's switching his primary development computer to linux.



Stress, Heart Attacks, and 135 with coronavirus
Japanese health officials on Monday confirmed an additional 65 cases of 2019 novel coronavirus (2019-nCoV) infections aboard the quarantined luxury cruise ship, Diamond Princess, bringing the ship’s case total to 135.

Wow.. think good thoughts for these people, pray, whatever. 

They're in a sealed incubator.

• The FDA has approved the first drug to treat peanut allergies.
• It's delivered in a Snickers bar.

Users of Skype or any program that shows availability of team members will find this familiar: my coworker is shown as Presenting. This is a technical term for 'presenting'. They're probably sharing their computer's screen to a lot of people. This affords the perfect opportunity for a little Work Hijinks<tm>. When you're bored and your friends are presenting, send them texts. The texts will appear on their desktop, allowing the entire meeting to see them....

• were you serious about the sex change?
• did you ever get to the sex shop for that weird toy you mentioned?
• how are the hemorrhoids?
• I can't believe your boss is as big an ass as you said

A nasty Google bug sent private Google photos and videos to others.

Yeah, I got a video of Mike Pence in a black robe, chanting Satan this and Satan that....

• If there's one thing Iowa proved, it's that beta testing software should happen before it's used. 
• If there's another thing Iowa proved, they shouldn't use software from groups directly tied to the Clinton campaign.
• Another thing is that Vermin Supreme is doing very well in the polls. This has got to terrify certain groups....

People are popping up all over the place with the coronavirus.
This proves, once again, that there are certain advantages to being an amateur agoraphobe.

• It is not polite to hit family members with a baseball bat. I know this now.

After racist incidents between students in Michigan, the school district called a meeting to heal divisions. You guessed it - the parents brawled.

Dear lefty:

• Are laptop cooling pads worth the money?
• Depends on how hot you like your crotch

We just saw a great video (not linkable) of a lady in the Iowa Caucus. She voted, signed, and handed her vote in. At some point, somebody informs her that Pete Buttigieg is gay and married to a man. The lady kinda talks through her laughter, and said REALLY? She then asks for her vote slip back.

Her vote counts as much as yours.

(provided it's counted)

Quickies:

• Here's a list of bad android apps - delete them immediately
• Remove bloatware from Windows 10 quickly and easily.,
• Why Your Next Cell Phone Should Be Unlocked
• If you're in the SE Pennsylvania area this year, you won't be able to swing a dead cat without hitting Cheap Trick.

Today I identify as   cancer in Ted Kennedy's brain.

Heroes of the Stupid

Neanderthals’ relatives climbed an erupting volcano 350,000 years ago
Big deal. Teenagers here ate Tide Pods.


Gwenyth Paltrow's company released a product that smells like vagina.
Now Erykah Badu released incense that smells like her vagina.
Imagine being on the research and development team....

SJW SoCalled

"Your racist coronavirus jokes aren't funny."

If I had any, they would be. Apparently, calling it "kung flu" offends people...

UN Women, doing the work of the Lord

Allowing white people to vote is systemic racism. Their children should be in the cages.

How about a smart device that could detect implicit bias in the workplace?

UC Berkeley Students: We must do something about antisemitic incidents occurring on campus.

I did - I voted on a bill that condemned it!

Well, I tried to. The vote was interrupted by people chanting "Free free college."

UC Berkeley is a sitcom. Instead of laughing, the audience sits there, open-mouthed.

A remembrance

Elsewhere I told the story of my dear friend who left us way too early.

Right around today, it has been ten years.
Ten Years Gone.
Robert Plant and Jimmy Page wrote it. Plant was memorializing his son (Karac?), who had been ten years gone.

My friend liked when I taught her songs on guitar.  She would study and practice them methodically. The last song I taught her was Ten Years Gone (a favorite of us both). When I say she practiced methodically, I mean she would sit there with her guitar, or any guitar that was laying around, and play the song. Over and over. As far as she could get, then start over from the top. Repetition drives me up several walls at the same time, so I'd frequently have to politely suggest she pick a different song (to drive me crazy with) or maybe could get something to eat.

She was very pretty and had the most amazing smile. The whole room laughed with her, especially when she made a rude comment or picked on me. She was obnoxious after a few beers sometimes, but never really reached my level (stop laughing - I am a certified professional in obnoxious and teach a master class in sarcasm). We laughed a lot and had a blast.

She'd probably smile and laugh about being attached to that song.
I loved the way she watched me when I played it. Made me feel like a rock star.

I hope to see her again sometime....
Sleep well.