Cheese Locker

 Your love is like  slamming a stapler on a finger

I love me a weird band name. The last band had no sense of humor and rejected 154 of my suggestions. My absolute favorite was Male Pattern Baldness. Rejected out of hand. Probably because most of them suffered from it. Still....

The other day one of the wives asked me for something. I didn't hear her right - I heard 'cheese locker.' I immediately thought it was a great band name.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... PLEASE WELCOME...  CHEESE LOCKER!

Today in Olympic News:  the blue team lost to the red team

• I spent some quality time with our Microsoft Teams expert at work.
• As promised, she answered all my questions, usually with "You can't do that."
• We agreed it's full of major annoyances and not worth the servers needed to run it.

Today I identify as  chocolate pudding   

(eat me)

I have a new theory.   (uh-oh)

I've been a bit snippy lately.

You're asking yourself how this is different.

Ok, a bit more snippy than usual.

Thank you.

I spent some Quality Time<tm> working on this, so you need to spend some quality time reading.

Oh.

At first I thought it was work. I rejected this out of hand because I like my job and it can be done by trained monkeys. So work's out.

Then I asked myself when am I least miserable. The answer was when I am on the couch, at rest.

BINGO: I came up with the answer - it's motion. Motion causes depression and agita. I'm fine when I'm sitting there, but not fine when I have to move. So if we remove annoying things like MOWING from my life, the quality of life cannot help but get better. "Just don't ask me to do anything" may not go over well with the wife, but we're early in the discovery process.

When I finally have it down, I need to publish it in a peer-reviewed journal, then figure out how to make billions off it.

You can rest assured there will be organized pushback, from wives' groups and mower manufacturers and anybody else with a vested interest in the status quo. We must be prepared to fight the opposition (from our couches). 

I want you to know that when I'm a billionaire, I will continue with the blog, continue working, and develop a charitable organization, partially dedicated to removing Bill Gates and his ideas from public view. Maybe animal charities. And lefty's home for wayward women. I can do so much good from my own couch.

• Happy 30th birthday, linux

Are you a T-Mobile customer? Worried about your data being exposed in the breach?

How to protect yourself.

• The All-Seeing "i": Apple Just Declared War on Your Privacy - by Edward Snowden

Flying AIDS News  

U.S. plans COVID-19 booster shots at six months instead of eight - WSJ

Japan suspends 1.6 million Moderna doses over contamination fears

Coronavirus origins: US intelligence report 'inconclusive'

What to know about the US COVID booster plan—and why WHO hates it

Only 2 people in an elevator? Now they're just making this stuff up.

• Nirvana sued by the baby from Nevermind's album cover
• what a load of excrement. Child exploitation? It was a picture of a baby.  Somebody's looking for a payday.

Waymo starts offering autonomous rides in San Francisco

Shuts down after being branded racist within 2 hours 

Google and Microsoft promise billions to help bolster US cybersecurity

because we don't pay enough taxes to the Military Industrial Complex

and they have done such a great job securing your data...

Last night I rode in the new, repaired car.

It performed as expected.

Nobody sprung from nowhere, aiming their car at it.

Nobody stopped short in front of me.

There were no pedestrians to cause me to suddenly accelerate.

Ever have a butter cake? They're really good, especially microwaved til the butter frosting melts.

Samsung can remotely disable their TVs using TV Block.

It's an interesting world when a phone and tv manufacturer can remotely turn off its products.

This is also true with of android and iOS.

Considering Samsung is the major manufacturer of android phones, it's pretty disconcerting. Samsung is also a major privacy violator, especially with their TVs. They were judged to be the worst, from the initial agreement forward.

• Elon Musk tweeted that he turned on the latest full self-driving beta and says it's "actually not great"
• We haven't been able to make it crash into trees or spontaneously combust. We hope to do better in the next beta.

In other Tesla news, Elon is working on a new slogan. Tesla: remember, we track your car every time you go to the gentleman's club.

Joe Biden said that, when pulling out of Afghanistan, chaos was inevitable, and you should blame Trump.

I was talking to the president the other day and we were both laughing over America's 20 years in Afghanistan. Now people are upset. He said those Afghans were really sleek-looking dogs and he might adopt one after his vicious German Sheperd died. He said there was a lot less trouble with foreign enemies at the White House since he adopted Major.

I have the gift of being able to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time, all unintentionally. Last night I was eclipsed.

My friend was about to get in his car and related something his racist brother used to say.

The punchline was "A dead nig*." As he got to the punchline, I'm trying to shush him. It wasn't working, and we were right in front of a house with black neighbors. So as this comes out of his mouth, I'm ready to crawl under his car. I hope my neighbors are still speaking to us. Or to her, nobody talks to me.

Don't ask me what the joke was. 

The NYPD got into a 12 hour standoff with a graffiti 'artist.' They used drones to eventually persuade the artist to come down.

Next week the NYPD is taking training exercises in how to deal with standoffs with petty thieves, jay walkers, and people using umbrellas in the sun. A spokesperson said that they will not stop shooting people who don't use their turn signals. It also helps with traffic congestion. All of these criminals will be apprehended with drones and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

In other news, police dressed like FedEx drivers are arresting people for drugs. 

Failed experiments involved the police dressing like morticians, werewolves, and Superman to arrest people.

T-Mobile Translation Time

T-Mobile's CEO says he's 'truly sorry' for 50 million users' data hacked.

I am truly sorry I got caught.

the company spends lots of effort to try to stay ahead of criminal hackers

We now have to spend lots of effort in not getting caught 

Knowing that we failed to prevent this exposure is one of the hardest parts of this event.

We are red-faced at getting caught 

We will do what's necessary

to not get caught again 

the company has notified “just about every” current customer who was affected

the company has notified "just about every" current customer that we got caught. By newspaper ad.

• New Zealand police break up one-person anti-lockdown protest in Auckland
• it was a tense, 13 hour standoff, with input from the NYPD 

The officer who shot and killed an unarmed protester during the Captiol riot says 'I saved countless lives'

The unarmed protester would have obviously gone on to kill 37 people (and Nancy Pelosi), possibly with her breath. Or her deathly stare.

• A man is dead after he was beaten with a rock in North Philadelphia
• ROCK CONTROL! 

The planet of California is considering paying drug addicts to stay sober.

Gov. Gavin Newsom has asked the federal government for permission to use tax dollars to pay for it through Medicaid

also wants to pay people with hangnails, stuffed noses, and and paper cuts 

A Georgia teacher zip-tied a child in class. She has been reassigned to a job without students.

Where she zip-tied her coworkers to chairs.

When asked why, she said, "Oh c'mon, it's fun! How many of you haven't thought of it?"