You're a Very Bad Table Lamp

 Your love is like  a broken tibia

• Note to tv writers: it is NOT always sunny in Philadelphia. Whoever came up with this has never spent two hours in Philadelphia. 
• If they're searching for reality, it would be called It's Mostly Cloudy in Philadelphia.

It's been two weeks since I left Work Badge Limbo. After that 3 month, 6 hour trek, I was the proud(?) recipient of something with a picture on it that looks like a prison I.D. God I'm ugly. To be fair, Brad Pitt would look ugly with this system. It learned everything it knows about picture-taking from the DMV, and still manages to beat it for sheer horror of its output.

Speaking of badges and having nothing to do with badges, I have a work presentation next week. I didn't really get it assigned to me so much as heard it mentioned in a large online meeting. So it was just a wee bit of a surprise. Not the shy type, I asked my boss which one of my coworkers that wasn't me was going to do the presentation. He apologized for not mentioning I was doing it yet, for next week. When my team met, the next day, he went over it, as I asked everyone who wanted to do it. Ever hear of deafening silence? I sure did. I'm sure they were all rushing to help me out, but they forgot to let their mouths tell me. I even reminded them what would happen if I had to give the presentation, but no luck. From this incident, I have taken it that all of my antics have been approved by my boss. It's not like he doesn't know what I'm like, therefore he's giving me total leeway.

I used to give a weekly phone meeting for 250 people, that got pretty popular because I'd add stuff here and there that wasn't entirely factual or relevant. People would actually attend the meeting to listen, even if they weren't interested in the topic.I also announced the official new fictional committee: the linux on the desktop committee. The idea was to rid the company of Windows. Sometimes after the meetings, people would come up to my desk and ask how to sign up to the committee. It's always good to make a difference.

So if I identify myself as the CEO of Sarcasm, I have the backing of my boss. 

If I tell everyone we're taking over their departments, my boss ok'd it.

If I order donuts to everyone's houses for meetings, the boss will find the funds.

I guess it could be worse...

Today I identify as  Spam  (Spam Spam Spam)

• Today's Light Reading: Thermodynamic Analysis for Industrial Refrigeration Systems

Now that we're out of Car Limbo, the feeling is glorious. Driving the car home was a beautiful experience. Yes, I had to remember where all the controls where, but the reasons I bought the car were evident. My absolute favorite feature was the large display that I had to click through, that said not to be distracted by the large display. Never let lawyers into your design process.

Since the picture is so great on the backup camera, I'm going to modify it to show movies while I drive. What's the worst that can happen? 

Today in Olympic news:  isn't this shit over already?

• As Mrs. lefty prepares to go visiting, everybody is ready. The parents can't wait for Penny to keep the rodents away and the cousin has a corner with all of Penny's toys waiting for her, as well as a special dog run in the yard. Mrs. lefty is an afterthought and I don't even bother going. Imagine coming in second (or third) to your dog.
• This brings up a long-standing issue: who's going to babysit me while they're gone? Vanessa Hudgens stopped taking my calls, Mila Kunis is off with that husband guy, and I don't have Emelia Clarke's contact info. Oh poor me.

• the problem here is one of structure. Like most of us, I don't work on the weekend. Without the structure of work, I sometimes don't know what to do. Some of us, lacking proper stimulation, will get up to stuff, creating their own entertainment. 
• after the last time I was on my own, the city requested a week's notice when Mrs. lefty was planning to leave the house. SWAT and more importantly, the Boom Squad, have to be kept on High Alert<tm>. I don't know what the problem is - I try to restrain my activities so they don't involve human casualties. We've already proven that the Crazy Lady next door cannot die, so I gave up trying.
• the above-mentioned babysitters cannot be reached, which is a shame, as they keep me busy, and busy is safe. Both neighbors are in their 90s and I don't have that particular kink.
• the backup car that I am left with cannot do much damage, and cannot hit 60 without 2 weeks' notice, and even then, it's a shaky proposition. The worst I can get up to is annoying people behind me, which is more of an every day activity. Nothing special there.
• napping is covered, with no distractions. I have absolutely had it with getting comfortable on the couch and having a marching band come though. Self love is also covered, for the same reasons. If I feel really kinky, I'll call the marching band.
• there will be no dog to sit next to me or on my lap. If there is one, I know I missed my meds that morning.
• somebody went food shopping and made the mistake of leaving all the cakes and treats out. I hope they weren't intended for anyone specific.

Due to unforeseen complications, Being Nice at Work has been canceled. YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WID DAT, ASSHOLE?

• Today in foreign news, Algeria is upset that people keep mixing it up with Afghanistan

English football (hockey) team Man United is being pressured to change its name, due to its CIS Hetero White Male Privilege. When pointed out that Man is short for Manchester, the protesters would have none of it, stating that even Manchester had 'man' in it, plus there had to be some male privilege somewhere in its history.

• the linux list command (ls) has a new competitor, called lsd. Lsd is reported as being very colorful, and you sit there, staring at it for hours

With software like office suites, there is an 80/20 rule: 20% of users use 80% of the functions. Using my great command of math (and tree climbing), this means 80% of the people use 20% of the functions.

Since I use linux, I am free of Microsoft Office. Just the other day I ran Libre Office's (free, also runs on Windows) word processor for the first time. And there it was - BAM - 17 different toolbars and other things I had to uncheck to get more typing real estate. I'm wondering if there should be a 20% preset, with the only toolbar being text (bold, italic, etc). Yes, I can uncheck all the others, but since it's too crowded out of the box, why not a preset? Strangely enough, I type for the words, not the appearance. The controls on this blog are minimal and we all get along fine. I particularly like the strikethtrough function because I can tell you how I really feel, then pretend I didn't say that. If you need a ruler across the top or down the side, turn it on. That said, I don't have any serious complaints about the word processor. Yet.

• just when I started to relax, I saw what Wife is reading: Encyclopedia of Serial Killers

SO if you think about it, Amazon bulldozed on ahead and killed the name 'Alexa.'

At this point, anyone who names their child Alexa has to be a really pretentious douchnozzle, who may or may not work at Amazon. The parents are also selfish and uncaring enough not to give any thought to how their poor child will be tortured at school*. Children are not the nicest humans.

*Frank Zappa's children are Ahmet, Dweezil, Moon Unit, and Diva because he said those names would fit in perfectly in California at that time.

Blog Noir

• I met her in some dingy bar, where the odor of stale beer provided the ambiance. She had more ink than a week's worth of the NY Times. We eyed each other hungrily, like a fat chick at Dunkin Donuts. Her outfit was tight, like some sort of dark saran wrap. We pressed against each other, like a coffee table and a rug. Her breasts were like melons, ripe two weeks ago. Her legs were like... legs. She fulled out her short shorts, like a man wearing a bikini. Her bulge was bigger than mine, like a WTF I'm getting out of here like an Olympic sprinter. 
• I've been back to that bar every night this week, looking for her.

Polish silver medalist in Javelin throw Maria Andrejczyk, who is also a devout Catholic, sold her Olympic  medal in auction to find money for the heart surgery of a Polish boy. Polish store chain Zabka won the auction, but they returned the medal back to her

• somebody who knows better told me Uranus went into retrograde
• I can't explain why, but I need a cigarette 

With great sadness, I must inform everyone that the lemon Snapple in the new plastic bottle is NOT as good as the glass bottle, no matter what they say. The only positive here is this will save us $55 a week.

• a New York policeman rescued a man who fell from a subway train, unconscious.
• it's a tremendous time for society in that absolutely nothing happens without video anymore

Paleontologists found a 310 million year old horseshoe crab with brain intact and are comparing it to a current one to study its evolution. They also found a 310 million year old news personality, but saved themselves the trouble of looking for a brain because the current one doesn't have a brain either.