So Far, Yet So Far

Your love is like   diesel exhaust

Woman Sues Landlord, Claims Lease Included ‘Sexual Intercourse' Contract

but she signed the lease.....

Today I identify as  Mao Tse Tse Tung

Ode to a t-shirt that everyone stopped carrying at the same time 

It all started last year. I bought a tank top (t-shirt with no sleeves, wifebeater). It was very helpful in very warm weather. I bought more, naturally in black and blue (my school colors - it was a tough school.).  Since my house tends to eat things, I cannot find a single one of them, and it's been in the 90s for weeks.

Old lefty would demand to take the house apart, in search of the errant shirts. New lefty just shakes his head, sadly, and orders more. They came pretty quickly, all rolled up in a multi-pack. Annnnnnnnd.... they were wrong. I'm a guy so I have trouble speaking about clothing accurately. When I told Wife, I said they were way too tight and springy, plus too small and they looked like corduroy. They had bloody lines going up and down. Mrs. lefty said that's how they are. "That's how they are" is a very bad phrase for me. It gets in the way of what I want and I'm even less pleasant to be around. I informed Mrs. lefty this was not a good answer and she told me what I wanted was cotton shirts. Stupid me - all my shirts are cotton - I foolishly assumed more shirts would be cotton too. Every one I ordered last year was cotton.

We checked a number of big box stores locally, with the same results. WTF - it's just a tank top. Yes, another story about lefty trying to get something pretty simple and finding it impossible. It's my life. It's also why this blog exists. Its all part of my descent into madness, and you have a front row seat. Imagine that.

Mrs. lefty decided to go to the Mart with Walls. I was stunned when she brought out two sets of them! I was lucky! Fate smiled upon me! Oh, wait... one of the packages was exactly like the one I got that was wrong. The other package was a different manufacturer's version of the Wrong Shirt. Logic and air are not the same in my universe. Gravity either, which aids the emotional support elephant (Iqbal).

I had to very carefully phrase my next utterance, lest I wear all ten shirts in a very dark and foul smelling. But.... they all have ribs. That's exactly what I was complaining about. Well, that and they ripped. So both sets have ribs. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough when I walked around the house with the shirt over my head and fell down a flight of steps, screaming about corduroy tank tops. It scared the hell out of the dog. I think, for her own sanity, Wife just ignores me. This seems to happen a lot, especially with people who are not my wife.

Now that I think about it, I have a lot of regular old t-shirts, complete with Funny Shit on them. And when I say a lot, I mean an incredible amount. Almost as many as Wife has shoes (as if that were possible). Anyway, we're getting suited up for a Shirt Safari, as there are none in my dresser. We're not sure where they go. I checked my office, the tall trees in the yard, the car tires, heating ducts, and even the Crisis Room<tm>. Nada. Nope. None. Zip. Zilch. Yet every now and then, they come back in the wash. I look at them and think, "Oh yeah, I remember those." I think the house hides them for a few months at a time, then blips them back to be washed. I probably don't want to know where they went. Maybe they were abducted by aliens. Maybe they were abducted by televangelists. Or congressional committees on laundry. Perhaps they went on vacation, which is kinda sad, because *I* can't afford one.

As I now understand it, with ten shirts in a dark and foul smelling place, the shirts have to be ordered online and have to say 100% cotton. If any local stores want to know why people are taking their business online, they should read this blog. They should read this blog even if they aren't curious. Now I have to give more money to Jeff Bezos. He needs to get more trillions together so he can afford to get divorced again.

We're having stuffed shells for dinner. They're stuffed with cheese. I don't like cheese. The shells have ribs on them. I think someone's mad at me.

Three stores do not have Penny's dog food. It gets more difficult almost daily. Know what happens when you change a dog's diet? Their system goes into BLM Riot Mode, producing all sorts of foul gas and possible diarrhea. Dogs don't even laugh when they fart.

Pope rules out sexual misconduct probe of Canadian cardinal

Of course - gotta protect them pedophiles.

This could be the largest criminal organization on the planet. 

Have you ever seen what childhood sexual abuse does to children?

There is a real issue with laptop hard drives failing when Janet Jackson music is played. You should be safe, because the laptop had to be made around 2005 and have a certain hard drive in it. And you wouldn't be caught dead playing Janet Jackson.

One of my grade school teachers said he graded tests by throwing them down the steps, with each step being a letter grade. Most of us are long out of school, but this method continues, especially at the CDC, which has just released its arbitrary rules for going back-to-school. 

• On Mondays, no masks are required, because the school has been quarantining itself over the weekend. 
• Tuesdays require masks because of Mondays
• On Wednesdays, the cafeteria has mac and cheese
• On Thursdays, everyone must show their vaccination paperz, causing absolutely no school work to get done, sometimes ending in an unexcused absence
• Friday is Fauci Appreciation Day, with assemblies featuring songs, worship, and clowns (not the FDA kind)

Here are two articles on the CDC

1. CDC to regain control of US hospital data after Trump-era seizure, chaos
2. CDC to restructure after COVID failure, “confusing and overwhelming” guidance
3. CDC Clueless

Just got an email from a local venue, announcing the Village People!

I cannot hold my excitement.

If one of them doesn't show up, do they snag some guy off the street in a uniform? 

Rejected Village People members

• parking ticket writer
• mall cop
• nuclear engineer
• IRS agent
• heterosexual
• musician
• Elvis impersonator from India

A Tool That Monitors How Long Kids Are in the Bathroom Is Now in 1,000 American Schools

Every now and then, a draconian tool appears in schools. This is obviously one. It follows the phone trackers. Wait for the chips - they'll be swell.

 

Australian wasps threaten another passenger plane, with help from COVID-19

G'day mate. It would be a real shame if we built a nest in your pitot tubes. Planes, they fall out of the air sometimes. What say you pay us a small fee for protection?

Japan wants young people to drink more alcohol. It's just not sure how to convince them

There are many differences between the Japanese and Americans. This is one. We actively encourage drinking. It's a real social problem. 

The reason for the action is that governmental tax revenue on alcohol is down. They should give them car keys too. Then the tax revenue on towing and morgues would be up also.

There is a video making the rounds featuring pole dancing at a gender reveal party. People are out of their minds.

I am too. People shouldn't be exposed to gender reveal parties. 

It's safe to sleep and go on vacation now, kids. The mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus is solved!

SPOILER: it's actually in the ecdysozoan group, not deuterostomes.

 

An award-winning photo captures a ‘zombie’ fungus erupting from a fly

Fly insists it's not fungus - it's Bling 

You Do NOT Put the Pineapple There

 Your love is like  a few rounds with Mike Tyson

The CDC said that those who got the shot no longer have to wear a mask when outdoors with members of their household or at small outdoor gatherings with unvaccinated people.

Stay tuned for the retraction of this, in a few days.

The curious will ask why someone would wear a mask indoors with members of their household, but questioning the official line, no matter which official line, is not encouraged. 

A child traveling with fully vaccinated parents became Hawaii's first pediatric Flying AIDS death.

But... but... but... parents were fully vaccinated! Get Fauci on the line!

• The president is getting ready to push $4 trillion of spending.
• speaking of impeachment... 

Here's one you didn't see coming...

Grenade-shaped toy sparks police alert

The co-founder and CEO of Iterable, a San Francisco marketing tech biz valued at over $2bn, claims he was fired after admitting to micro-dosing LSD at work

He should obviously sue. Why should drug use result in firing? It's only a bit of LSD. This is San Francisco, ferchrissake.... 

Uh-oh.

Schools use software that blocks LGBTQ content, but not white supremacists.

Reminds me of tv shows that protect us from words by cutting them out.

Sometimes it's better to discuss things than pretend they don't exist. Real world teaching makes school more timely and interesting.

 

• Willow Smith came out as polyamorous
• I was all set to come out as polyamorous, but my wife told me I'm not

Today I identify as  the software called Splunk.  I like the name.

I spend the entire (what passes for) autumn and winter waiting for the alleged spring. We're a few days into above-50 degree temperatures and I'm regretting my choice. It's not like I don't like the temps... it's the f*#%ing mowing. Not only my mowing, but the neighbors'.  I love my next-door neighbor, but I suspect she mows every other day. Even her grass could not grow that fast. And she's around 90. I'm thinking of paying her to do my lawn too. Perhaps she needs a hobby (that isn't mowing). You know what this means, right? Construction and home improvement projects, where they use the LOUDEST materials and tools available to modern man. Why use wood when you can use metal - it makes more noise. And you know it's gonna make noise when I'm in a meeting. Then a dog will walk by the house, causing Penny to go apeshit Cujo. In fact, if I spoke up in a meeting without constant loud noise behind me, they wouldn't know who I was.

I had a friend who vacuumed at 3am, much to the dismay of her family. This would fail miserably at my house, because I do the vacuuming. I flat out refuse to vacuum while I'm sleeping. That's a firm boundary...  although that would be the least strange thing I do while sleeping....

I wonder if they'd get the message if I started mowing at 3am.

Nah, I'd just get a visit from my friends in the police department. They 'pass by' my house a lot, to make sure everything's ok. To their credit, they never shot me. They know Mrs. lefty by her trips to the Happy Place<tm> and as the lady who drove her cancerous dog around at 3am. This news went throughout the entire department - one day there was a police person in the convenience store who said Mrs. lefty was the one who drove her dog around at 3am. The police knew Marshall by name.

The police don't come by too often anymore, now that our friend, the paranoid schizophrenic, moved out. I miss him; not only because he was a nice guy.. because we would stand outside and yell at the helicopters that appeared to be hovering over our houses. He was particularly triggered by motorcycles running up and down the street. So was Penny, so it tended to get loud(er) when they came by. I agree - the things don't NEED to be that loud. Auto manufacturers have done great work silencing cars, some having 8 cylinders. 2 or 4 shouldn't be a problem. I do not want to do the science, but I suspect penis size is inversely proportional to volume, both in bikes and guitar players. The neighbor had a few registered guns, which always made things interesting when there were any problems. Half the force would show up, which was cool, but you couldn't get out of your own driveway if you wanted a frozen drink or some adult toys.

So we know the police, but they won't do anything to stop the frequent mowing.

The Philly File

A Philly teen was charged in a deadly shooting outside Philadelphia prison.

Good - they didn't have to transport him far.

A loaded, stolen handgun was found in airport baggage, by the TSA.

After this genius' trail, they need to add 10 years for gross stupidity.

C'mon - you all thought about it.. sex in space.

• I guess it wouldn't be any more nauseating than being in space, so there's that...
• You might want to stay secured, or you'd be chasing each other across the capsule.
• Condoms would be mandatory, for the consideration of everybody else.
• NO HAMSTERS. Period.
• Whips will also have you chasing your partner, unless there are chains involved.
• Chocolate syrup only with the express written permission of everybody else  in the capsule
• you had better be an exhibitionist or have technique that's incredibly boring
• be definite with your signals... astronauts live in cramped quarters and are always grabbing each others' junk and rubbing against each other

You will be thrilled to know there are still text-based browsers in linux.

Can you imagine surfing Faceyspaces with a text-only browser? It will load 100x faster, and the pictures will look like <graphic>. It is a great improvement.

Self-driving cars to be allowed on UK roads this year

• It would be best to keep your human-driven cars off the roads this year.
• Also remember to always keep a human in the driver's seat, especially in a Tesla
• Make sure the self-driving car knows to stay to the left - they drive funny over there
• makes tea, but you're not allowed to drink it
• when the cops pull you over, the car probably shouldn't refer to them as "you limey bastards"
• don't assume, because you can't see a head in the car in front of you, that it's self-driven. Stay away regardless

Big Tech is bankrolling AI ethics research.

Repeat after me: We had no idea cigarettes cause cancer

The European Parliament has formally adopted a law requiring internet companies to “remove or disable access to flagged terrorist content” within one hour after being notified by national authorities. Once issued, such takedown notices will apply across the EU, with countries able to levy financial penalties against firms that refuse to comply.

Oh, joy.

Let's forget, for a minute, the type of speech this mentions.

Countries are censoring the internet.

This needs to stop. Lets at least give the illusion of free speech.

Plus they have OFF switches, which is worse, in case something happens.

There are strawberry Pop Tarts, frosted and not. 

Not frosted is actually labeled "Not Frosted"

Do they really need to do this?

You know they got complaint calls from people who bought them, thinking they were frosted, even though it shows they're plain on the box.

coming soon...

• cars labeled "No Sunroof"
• anvil labeled "Not Hammer"
• black guitars labeled "Not Sunburst Finish"
• guns labeled "Not Automatic"
• guacamole: "Not Gravy"
• limes: "Not Lemon"
• elephants: "Not Ant"

Everybody wondered what would happen at the Chauvin trial, given either outcome. Turns out there was a secret federal plan to arrest him for police brutality if he got off.

Ladies and gentlemen, we can but hope that one day, what we say and do will be important enough for the federal government to have a backup plan. 

• It's brown outside today
• yellow days and brown days are the worst, aside from gray days

Today's Forecast:

It's April 30, to be followed by May 1.

So, our dear friends in government want to pass a law mandating driver-monitoring systems in all new cars.

Government never met anything they couldn't make worse through legislation.

We. Do. Not. Need. This.

More intrusion at the federal level.

It's interesting that they want to make sure drivers are awake, with their eyes on the road, but they're strangely quiet when it comes to drunks (not that either equipment belongs in the car). This kind of intrusion must stop and it won't unless you try, via your representatives. Shoot off an email to the sponsors, as well as your federal reps. 

Do this before the monitoring gets installed in your house (aside from the smart tv and social media that watch you).

My Hovercraft Remains Full of Eels

 Your love is like  a bone graft

Nothing fills me with joy and hope for humanity more than discovering Americans Idle is in its 19th season. Except that the bigger, better show is The Masked Furry. Rome is burning - who's fiddlin'? 

The CDC, always correct damn near all the time, said to end the hygiene theater. The Flying AIDS is spread through the air - stop sending Clorox stock through the roof.

America's Doctor, Dr. Fauci, will send out a statement disagreeing with this, in 5..4..3..2..1..

Now if we can only get rid of Security Theater at the airports.

Headline: Death Row Inmate Dies

U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen on Monday urged the adoption of a minimum global corporate income tax, an effort to at least partially offset any disadvantages that might arise from the Biden administration’s proposed increase in the U.S. corporate tax rate. 

This appears to be a band aid for countries easing taxes on businesses.

1. Who is any country to levy taxes on other countries?
2. Why not go after the cause of the problem?
3. We're a One World Government, a-comin down the tracks

The ACLU is now sharing your info with Faceyspaces.

You can opt-out but you have to look for it.

The ACLU has done some great work, like them or not. This is not.

Today I identify as  axle grease

NATIONWIDE KETCHUP SHORTAGE

The country is in major panic.

People are taking off their masks and running into stores to find the precious red substance.

People may have to stop putting it on hot dogs and lunchmeat (a sick practice)

• Hollywood, soon to be back in business, is writing its first major picture as we speak: Covid 2 - This Time it's Also Fatal. If this is successful, you guessed it: Covid III - Mutated, Immune to the Shots

Today's Question: if someone with bipolar disorder is out of meds, can they consume lithium grease?

The Vatican has been digging a secret tunnel in Jerusalem in order to exhume King David's DNA and resurrect the Messiah, a rabbi has claimed.

This should be interesting...

He's my messiah.

No, he's my messiah. 

George Bush said God spoke to him personally. Maybe he can ask God what's up with this.

COMMENTATOR: In this corner, weighing 1,000 tons of treasure, is the Catholic Church. Tell us about the Church, Bob.

COLOR COMMENTATOR: Well, the church isn't as popular as it once was, owing to the decline in organized religion, and the worldwide coverup of child molestation. They still have almost unlimited resources and have long been the heavyweight favorite.

COMMENTATOR: in the far corner is Israel. 

COLOR: Long the underdog, Israel is a furious fighter, with missiles second only to the US. And Ralph, this is going to be a difficult one; bringing about the messiah. Especially when every mother thinks their son is the messiah.

Catholics believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and the Messiah predicted to come and save the world from its sins in the Old Testament, and are holding out for his Second Coming one day.

However, believers in Judaism don't believe Jesus was the son of God, and are still waiting for the first coming of the Messiah. 

COLOR: So we have a fundamental difference of opinion here, Ralph, which should make for an interesting fight. I have to admit a tiny bit of skepticism here, over the claim that the Church is trying to get King David's DNA to build a clone to fool people into believing he's the Messiah. That's some dirty pool.

COMMENTATOR: Indeed, Bob. Indeed.

• LG is quitting the phone market
• bummer - they were a great alternative. I've had 2.

30 year old Soviet TV adaptation of Lord of the Rings surfaces on YouTube

Comrade, I look for ring

No, ring is for all peoples

Putin: ring is for me. I am President for Life

Speaking of which, Russian physicians studying why opponents of Vladimir "the Impaler" Putin always develop fatal diseases have suddenly ended their study. The verdict is that they were incorrect, everything is fine, and they apologize most humbly and sincerely to Mr. Putin.

• I just got a big-ass bag of caramel M&Ms. It says 'sharing size'.
• do I have to share? 

Mrs. Sri Lanka suffered head injuries after her crown was seized by a rival seeking her disqualification. 

Now this is what we like to see - the ratings will go through the roof!  All we need is to add Donald Trump and the ratings will top Americans Idle.

Chick fight!

• Many people are getting really upset about AI and facial recognition because it doesn't identify black people. Ummm..... let's think about this for a minute... isn't the goal in a free society to not be identified? I'd be damn happy about it. 

I didn't think this was going to be a bad time, but AAA is really making my head spin. Day One they tried to start, failed, then had to order a tow. Day Two I had to call and they said 'it was next'. Day Three they called with a list of suggested repairs. No. The battery price was obscene. Granted, I haven't purchased a battery in a while, but it was well under $100 and I installed it myself. This time it was pushing $200. JFC. Next time I'll know - buy and install privately. JFC.

They recommended a few other services, like those oil change places:

• one windshield wiper was starting to streak
• the animanicapistan was on the fritz
• three oil changes, because the battery died
• nose hair adjustment, because the battery died
• and the required air filter change because the battery died. the labor for replacing the air filter is $400. Any malady with any car will require an air filter, even if you just replaced it the prior day.
• the battery is guaranteed for 6 years, which is a lot longer than the car

This car is like that movie with the odd little lady and the girl who went 'into the tv' (Poltergeist?). The father character, Craig T Nelson, had a bit of an adversarial relationship with his station wagon. He gave it to the (American) indian character, whereupon it worked flawlessly. This car really doesn't like Mrs. lefty. Four other people have driven it and look at her like she's nuts because it works fine for them. She's terrified to drive it more than 2 miles. It misbehaves terribly - stopping, barely running, chugging, and parking itself in front of shoe stores. I've never heard of the last one, but Mrs. lefty does not lie.  What this means is that it's going to become 'my' car, and she gets to drive the nice new one. Smart woman. 

This may be the largest topic ever (not) covered on this blog: sleep 

Sleep info is relatively easy to come by, and is wrong only about 99% of the time.

My mom always said to get as much sleep as possible.

I find the more I sleep, the more tired I am. If I get over 6 hours, I'm dragging.

The 'authorities' say to get a lot of sleep. 

Some 'experts' say you have a sleep deficit. I can sleep 22 hours Friday and Saturday nights. These were the same experts who said to get the same amount of sleep every night. This led to Zombie Weekends, with or without alcohol-fueled mayhem.

No matter what they say, they're wrong. Or my body laughs at them. My body, like most of me, laughs at everyone.

If I get 4 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and good for technical and car racing tasks.

If I get 6 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and can get through work fairly asleep.

If I get 8 hours of sleep, I drag, and probably shouldn't try to fill up the car.

If I get 10 hours of sleep, I need 4 naps. Sex is fine, because that part never sleeps.

If I get 12 hours of sleep, I stay in bed because I'm too tired to get out. I start remembering dreams, which is not a good thing, if you've ever seen my dreams.

If I get 3 hours of sleep, I'm much better with small, intricate tasks, provided I'm not given small, intricate tasks. I'm more alive and focused, whatever that means. My camera is focused, not my person. Besides, people with ADD can't focus.

Although several units of excessive time are getting out of bed, starting to put socks on, and putting the 2nd sock on. You just sit there, in space somewhere. It's difficult to move. Not to mention the loud shriek every morning you hear the alarm. OH NO! NOOOOOOOO! JUST KILL ME NOW. THAT WASN'T 5 HOURS. BUT THE DOG WAS SNORING ALL NIGHT. 

Sleep: you're never gonna get enough. 

The latest Flying AIDS silliness is about handshaking and touch....

"The pandemic forced us to stop hugging, shaking hands: that's not necessarily a bad thing"

Please.

If you don't like to touch people, fine.

The pic (and the concept) is hysterical.

I guess the Boob Exam and the Genital Rub are out.

500 million + records leaked

Giving Your Parents Crap About Your Third Nostril

 Your love is like  a Neil Diamond concert (post-mortem)

Under pressure, the CDC dropped the school spacing to 3' in many classrooms.

Because they wanted to go with an odd number. This might be one of the reasons for my skepticism about 'official' recommendations. The CDC changes its mind more than a Kardashian trying to decide what to wear out one night. Watch for updates from the WHO and America's doctor, Anthony Fauci. Fauci is a good doctor to see, because his waiting room is always empty.

Lazy 

Once, when getting glasses, the doc told me I have lazy eye or lazy lid or lazy something, and insurance would pay to fix it. This was a great new diagnosis, to sit with all the other great diagnoses and not get fixed. I can see out of my eyes, which is their primary function, so there's nothing wrong with them.

The only thing I can see (heh heh) is that it makes me look half asleep. It's not really a problem, though, because people tend to discount half-asleep people. They'll leave me alone or not bother much with me. Come to think of it, it's less a condition than a blessing. Meanwhile, I always figured I had lazy body syndrome, not lazy lids.

• I think the dog was a human female in a past life... when I open packages, she's right there in them, sniffing away, 'inspecting' each item.
• On the other hand, I could do with less bringing me her soggy toys while I'm working. I don't think this has anything to do with past lives and I'm not sure I want to know...

Today I identify as  Carlos Santana (won't he be surprised!)

Speaking of which, Carlos is also a designer of women's shoes and stuff. I'm not a woman, but they look pretty cool (seconded by Mrs. lefty).

Making Bezos more rich 

Personally, I try to shop locally or even look on Ebay before I go to Amazon. Bezos can probably get by without my custom. On the other hand, if you get the Prime option, it pays for itself in a few orders because you don't get charged for shipping most of the time. Amazon is also known for treating its workers really poorly.

Entirely your call.

Amazon also spent $1 billion for the NFL rights to Thursday night football. While this is a sad financial state of affairs for the NFL, it is almost a significant amount to Jeff Bezos. If it were $3 more, he would have to limit the Dom Perignon at his 5th house to 15 cases.

• During the making of one of their albums, Fleetwood Mac actually had a trough of coke on the mixing console. Stevie Nicks effectively had one nostril because the cartilage between the nostrils had been destroyed, presumably by coke.
• This did not bother most American men, who sighed whenever they saw her angelic face and appearance. Even if she sang like Yoko it would not deter us.
• To this day, Stevie Nicks is a style of dressing.

A former senator who has flown in space was nominated for head of NASA by President Biden. The press and close allies are questioning the decision, as Bill Nelson is a Caucasian, with no obvious minority status. When asked, Biden justified the nomination as Nelson is a white male, a minority on his staff. Biden aides clarified the statement, saying that at 78, Nelson would be the only one older than Biden himself (by about 10 minutes).

Wouldn't you just die if, during the Congressional grilling, one of them asked about aliens?

• PA school district cancels school after teachers call out with vaccine side effects. Make what you want of this 
• A PA District Attorney's office needs to raise the pay for First Assistant District Attorneys. One of them was just demoted for delivering DoorDash during working hours (his 2nd job).

Like attracts? 

I snore. I'm not proud. Of anything.

Mrs lefty occasionally snores. So loudly, it sounds like machinery from downstairs*.

As I type, the dog is snoring.  It's more like a high-pitched whining. Maybe we can market this for defense purposes. Get a $1 billion weapons grant. Join Grumman. Perk up the old retirement fund. I can buy guitars during the day and help defend the country at night. Mom will be so proud.

*I have a theory about how, mechanically and acoustically, the snoring becomes so loud. It's loud in the room. She has to wear a sticker, warning everyone about the potential decibel level. The snoring starts out by going into the room. The bed rattles. The motion transmits itself, through the legs of the bed, down to the floor. The floor is actually the ceiling for the living room, with some air and wires in between. After what they (they who?) call acoustic coupling, the ceiling becomes one humongous speaker.  While my car has a 6" speaker, my ceiling has turned into a 40' speaker. But wait..... the in-room snoring hits the walls then bounces to the floor. It bounces in phase, which means it reinforces what the bed transfers to it, like its own 400 watt amplifier. So the moment anything comes out of her mouth, it is loudly amplified and immediately apparent to anyone in the living room.

"oh SHIT," he said to no one in particular... this means the neighbors hear everything, every time we....  make noise together. That would explain the people outside, holding up cards with numbers on them. At least the numbers are pretty close to 10. You know, within 4 or 5.

• Irony Department: China is prohibiting its military and government personnel from using Tesla cars, citing security risk posed by the car's data collection

The other day I went through the horror of finding myself near a tv with TMZ on. Today it happened with Judge Judy, but it was so loud, it was bleeding into my office. And nobody was watching it. I'm surprised the SPCA didn't charge us for having it on tv while the dog was in the house.

I think Judy is the rudest, nastiest person on tv and can't believe anybody watches the show (but they do - she has great ratings). I'd love to watch her have to sit there while someone was as unspeakably nasty to her as she is to the people on the show. Other than that, we tend to agree on tv. 

• Miami declared an emergency and curfew because of spring break crowd behavior. SWAT teams were called in. Who knew there was so much power in drunken teens? 
• and, horrors, there were maskless crowds
• seriously... SWAT?

A man was arrested for taking his toddler into the elephant enclosure at the San Diego Zoo. It almost seems like people need classes before doing certain things... like having a baby. If the dude wanted an abortion, it was way too late. If he wanted to commit Suicide By Elephant, drop the kid off with a babysitter. People who work at zoos must be out of their minds that they now have to protect the animals from the people. 

• The pope urges fight against organized crime as mafia milks pandemic
• Catholic church molesting little boys is international organized crime 

The Atlanta gunman was a patient at an evangelical treatment facility about 30 miles from the shootings, for "sex addiction." This place also promotes ex-gay therapy. Well, that's 0 for 2. When will we hear the calls against this 'therapy'? Oh.

As I look on interestedly, I read that Jane Seymour is 70.

Is this morally wrong or something? 

Not if she's willing and Mrs. lefty gives me a break on her No Dating policy.

The Table Legs March for Left Handed Pride

Your love is like  Baghdad

The large-breasted weatherlady* actually referred to snow storms as parading through the area. Most days on the 7 day chart feature snow. It's like rain in the summer. This is absolutely getting personal.

The parade of snow removal continued yesterday. No matter how much I beg and plead, the dog is not interested in helping. She has to be dragged outside for her own business. A neighbor said the city is getting pushy about removing snow within 8 hours. Oh good - they need to speak to me - I'll ask how they plan to do it. These people can't keep the streets clean, yet they can afford employees to bother people about snow.

I haven't been able to automate the shovel. I know people who have snowblowers, but this means you try every snow event to start something that doesn't want to start. Like my desire to shovel.

The sign down the street that says   NO SNOW IN  xx DAYS  has to be changed every morning.

All this snow is unprecedented. I wonder if the citizens have run their vehicles through the grocery store yet. Screw them - I'm almost out of coffee. I'll call out the National Guard if necessary.

• The more western parts of the Turnpike are better if you're going to land your plane there. Remember that. Also make sure to land with traffic, not against it. You will be charged the highest fee if you don't have your ticket.

Yes, I'm almost out of coffee. I have the number to the National Guard. How do I get the National Guard to come out and help me get coffee? I'll tell them there's a Trump supporter rally at the supermarket.

Yesterday the president said that children should go back to school, if it can be done safely. Also, children should be able to play with dynamite, if it can be done safely. The new CDC head said children should return to school, but listed a bunch of qualifications. Well, it's not safe to return to school, is it? What genius came up with 'hybrid' learning?  It's not safe to go to school more than 2-3 days a week. Then I'm not going to school at all.

The entire school situation is higgledy piggledy. 

One of the complaints of the 'send them back' crowd is the social interaction the children are missing out on.  The National Bullies' Network is apoplectic because there is little to no opportunity to practice their craft virtually. Just think of what the children are missing; being bullied is a rite of passage and an essential part of schooling. Even mild teasing about clothing or makeup is an important part of socialization. Segregation by looks and income, by sports ability, and by everyone else that doesn't play sports. Razzing people with oral appliances. Pointing and laughing at the potheads, who have absolutely no idea you're doing it. Suddenly discovering the school has a marching band. Have you ever had marching band practice virtually? Who's going to pick on the fat kids? If they don't come to school, they may never know they're fat.

Today I identify as  11 penny nails

* Today on Nature's Bounty, we study the Large-Breasted Weather Lady.

The Large-Breasted Weather Lady can be found in any climate across the United States. She has migrated to most other places on the globe but originated in the US. She is not to be confused with the Large-Breasted Traffic Lady or the Large-Breasted Anchor Lady, even though they're largely interchangeable. There are believed to be approximately 150 Large-Breasted Weather Ladies in the US, but these are only the immediately visible ones. Behind every Large-Breasted Weather Lady, there are many looking to move into her slot, so one cannot come up with an accurate number. Note that there are also many average human males looking to move into her slot. 

Related but also not working is the Small-Breasted Weather Lady. You will know her because of her call, which complains about sexism in the news, as she gets implants to become the Large-Breasted Weather Lady. The call of the Large-Breasted Weather Lady is whatever's written on the card, plus the odd giggling noise, similar to beauty pageant winners. As for talent, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady comes with a remote clicker that makes weather charts switch to the next in the series. Eye color is usually brown, but can be altered via colored contact lenses, to any color found to make viewers pay greater attention in the monthly stats.

In its non-working hours the Large-Breasted Weather Lady spends some of her time trying to become the Large-Breasted Anchor Lady. If she is sufficiently attractive, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady will get offers to migrate to different climates, for more money and back-stroking from other Large-Breasted Weather Ladies, who would sooner stab her in the back than see her succeed. Yes, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady is a savage group, but this is cleverly hidden from people who watch the Large-Breasted Weather Lady. The Large-Breasted Weather Lady is also known to frequent high-class establishments and flirt with the General Programming Manager, a large, obnoxious, and powerful man. She likes to be seen where people are, loves to hear people say her name or imitate her call. As for mating, the Large-Breasted Weather Lady will start out mating with almost anything, but gets much more selective as ratings improve. By the end, she will build her nest with a Major Sporting Dick, and they will become a Prodigious Power Couple, until a few years later, when Major Sporting Dick gets caught with a new Large-Breasted Weather Lady, or even a Large-Breasted Anchor Lady. This will result in one of them migrating and the Large-Breasted Weather Lady to learn that brightly colored feathers do not always make for the best mate. She will proceed to pick another unsuitable mate, possibly from the Major Sporting Dick pool again. The Large-Breasted Weather Lady has a serious problem with mate-choosing. This is the reason there are not more of them: they don't always reproduce because they're preening in public.

Large-Breasted Weather Ladies are a boon for stations. Because of their plumage, they can say any old thing and the people who watch them will stay attached to their every move. They are a great favorite of the male watcher, while the female watcher complains about how stupid she is and points out her faults, all of which is ignored by the male watcher. Her forecast is considered very accurate, because watchers cannot always remember what the forecast was.

The Large-Breasted Weather Lady lives a relatively short life, and can be rehomed the moment a gray feather is spotted, even if she is a local favorite. If she learns to speak and read correctly, she may eventually be promoted to Large-Breasted Anchor Lady, but this rarely occurs.

Next week: the Small Penis Mayor

• we have a small-breasted anchor lady. She's good at her job but her top plumage changes back and forth between straight and poodle. The entire area was confused by this until she announced that the poodle was because she was proud of her heritage. Perhaps she identifies as poodle. They say poodles are very intelligent. 

PANIC 

There's not enough vaccine.

Variants may negate the vaccine.

Our illustrious transportation secretary, the highly competent Pete Buttgieg, is weighing whether to require Flying AIDS certification for continental flights. It is already required for international flights. Next up: certification tattooed on your forehead. C'mon, join the crowd. People already have all sorts of stupid tattoos - yours won't be too different.

WHO team and Chinese experts say 'extremely unlikely' virus leaked from lab.

Chinese experts say 'extremely unlikely' virus even started in China.

Today the Russians  hacked the Pentagon and sent warships for 'exercises' near China. What? It was the Pentagon after all? Oh, sorry.

• as I type this, my viewing choices are 2 different Sasquatch documentaries, a show on old men pole vaulting, and 1 on why there are multiple train lines in Paris. It's amazing that, when you expand your horizons to cable, then internet tv, there are just more and more stations with nothing to watch.

The 2nd impeachment trial is beginning.

The opening argument was "Nyah nyah nyah nyah, we're going to impeach you again and again until we're happy. As a bonus, we will also continue to avoid any productive work, a quality for which we've always been known. We know you called each and every one of the drunk Bubbas and personally to them to riot at the Capitol. We don't like you and we haven't liked you from the moment you announced your candidacy. And even though your wife is gorgeous, we won't say a single word about it, instead insisting on Michele Obama as the most lovely woman ever to enter the White House. We want Politics as Usual and now we've got it. Of course Joe's senile, but at least he's not orange. Nyah nyah."

The Sunday Times

Midwives have been told to say “chestfeeding” instead of “breastfeeding” and to replace the term “mother” with “mother or birthing parent” as part of moves to be more trans-friendly

We are all going to die of stupid before the pandemic gets us.  (@mdrache )

The SF school board tonight spent two hours talking about whether to allow a gay dad of mixed-race SFUSD kids to volunteer for one of several empty seats on a parent advisory group. Their problem was that he’s white and doesn’t bring diversity to the group 

San Francisco’s school board is basically a sketch from Saturday Night Live if Saturday Night Live was still funny.  (@mdrache )

Mainstream or Pr0n? Bob Hearts Abishola, Football Manager, David Soul - Gold, The Swordsman

Here's a word combination guaranteeing you should not bother reading further:

 Oldest DNA from poop...

• The Supremes are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
• Chaka Kahn is on her way
• idiots in Cincinnati

Robinhood app being sued by parents of 20 year old son, who committed suicide when he thought he lost $730,000.

1. the kid had $730,000 to lose?
2. obviously nobody ever taught the parents personal responsibility
3. our sympathies to the parents - this should not happen

• Sign language interpreters at press conferences: why aren't they wearing masks?
• especially when they're next to the podium and the speaker isn't wearing 1 either.

Just in case you've been following the male remote chastity device saga, there's a new chapter. The manufacturer hardened(!) the device, using penetration(!) tests, so it's no longer hackable (until next time). 

If you're not following along at home, there is a male chastity device that runs over the internet, so your partner can control it remotely. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the device got hacked. Several had to pay ransom to get their Main Members back, and one guy got out bolt cutters to Free Willy ("It fucking hurt," he said). This is the Internet of Things, folks. So now the guys can go back to having their Stuff locked up by only their partners.

If you're asking yourself why this goes on, I leave it to you to research.

Almost slightly related is an article that hacked sex robots could be told to kill users. I'm sure this is a thrill for some. It takes all kinds. One also wonders how something that essentially lays there and moans is capable of killing (real women aside).

• According to an Iranian cleric, the Flying AIDS vaccine makes you homosexual.
• We think he's out of his tiny little mind, but this could be much deeper than you know.... people are clamoring for the vaccine, as they're told to. After they get the shots, they turn gay. Gays don't reproduce. This is Bill Gates' agenda.

Tell people. Recommend this blog to your friends. If you don't like it, recommend it to your enemies and your mother-in-law (same thing). Recommend it to someone who needs a little offending. Someone who will get so upset, they'll try to get it thrown off the net. Recommend it to people you like. Recommend it to very religious people and ministers. Politicians. Teens. Mrs. lefty says the blog should be widely read already, and we had better listen to Mrs. lefty, if we know what is good for us. I can't even get my family to read it.

thanks to the readers - I truly appreciate you coming by.

Coffee Flavored Carpet

 As with anything coming from China, the recent Moon trip to collect rocks is not what it seems. While China did collect the rocks, they did so by hacking NASA and walking in the front door, relieving themselves of a long, drawn out, difficult Moon mission. 

There are early reports that the International Space Station has been hacked, possibly through Windows. The ISS has been ordering Chinese takeout for a week, despite GrubHub's insistence they do not deliver off-planet. None of the astronauts are aware of the orders, but claimed they'd go as far as shooting down anyone's satellite for 1 slice of pizza.

In other news, Russian hackers hit the US Nuclear Agency. They plan to gain control of it so they can bomb themselves.

Your love is like the sudden stop when driving your car off a bridge

• A new childs' book, in the tradition of Where's Waldo, challenges children to figure out what was wrong with Roald Dahl's parents.

As the result of a child at a school board meeting, Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, gave children a snow day. The idea is so completely goofy, it will be moments before colleges and universities go on strike, demanding their own snow day. Because colleges do not emphasize math, or common sense, the strike days will far outnumber a snow day.

Earlier this week, a team of researchers announced that they successfully teleported qubits of photons across approximately 27 miles of fiber-optic cable. 

We know I'm no quantum physicist, but isn't the idea that 2 bits are connected through space at any distance? Perhaps I should take up reading, instead of the socially significant hobby of putting this blog out.

Today I identify as  a high quality 250k potentiometer in a Fender Stratocaster - none of this offshore miniature crap.

In the continued march of Science, biomarker of Alzheimer's found to be regulated by sleep cycles. 

Uh-oh 

In 2020 alone, Alzheimer's was found to be affected by:

• aluminum
• sleep cycles
• sense of humor
• sarcasm
• thickness of nasal hair
• how large a person you'll insult
• the amount of Scientific Drinking done by the researchers

In January, the WHO will be in China to probe the origins of the Flying AIDS.

China has announced that the WHO did not find anything indicating the virus originated there.

• Militants released hundreds of kidnapped children in Nigeria, after realizing they only kidnapped the boys. Vatican signals interest in the case.

A new 1Password survey on password use and online security in family life finds more than half (51%) of parents who work from home (WFH) say their children have accessed their work accounts.

It's not that we will never learn, it's that we actively refuse to learn. 

• The Government Accounting Office today looked around, cried, and went home.

Somebody recommended a podcast and I went to listen.

Nowhere on the page was a warning that the 'caster is a SCOT.

Podcasts, unlike tv, do not come with closed captioning.

Penny came from Florida and had never seen snow til 2 years ago.

Like us, she's not all that fond of it, kind of hopping up and down to get through it. I'm not positive but I think I heard her on the computer last night, looking up plane fares to Florida.

• Cellphone data suggests Bay Area not as compliant with new shutdown as it was in the spring
• aw shucks, you don't even have to volunteer to be tracked.... at this point, you might as well turn your phone off when you leave the house.
• Also, the DHS is working on facial recognition with masks. Perhaps we should start wearing masks with mustaches and glasses. There were volunteers for this testing....

Guitar Center has come to its alleged senses and only sends me 2 emails every day. There is no more begging, very few 29% off emails, and they're not stalking me anymore (I hope). I'm sure that van that says Electruck Compinny is completely legit. In fact, tonight I'll test the theory by running a 400v banana up its tailpipe.

Ya know, I haven't said anything about UFOs for a while.

For your reading enjoyment, I will continue not to.

Other than it's the 40th anniversary of Rendlesham, in England, at a military base. One of the best cases documented.

That is all.

Illegal winery busted at Alabama sewage plant

Y'all got maw of that Summer Yellow blend?

I sho am fond of that there Alabama Brown.

Hey, this red has a bicycle in it!

What's in the Mystery Box?

Another oft-forgotten part of the Not Getting Things You Ordered is the unspoken amount of time it takes to put the item in a box and ship it out. I just got notice that the item I ordered has just shipped. The item I ordered last week. So it took 7 days to physically pick up the item, put it in any old small box, put a label on it, and wait for the pickup guy? I see you overcame all obstacles to accepting my payment.

Was there an indian attack? Did a ring of fire set by satanists prevent you from getting close? Near-fatal hangnail? Was the USPS guy in the hospital from too much meth? Aliens extracting bodily fluids? North Korea call you names? 7 days to stuff the whole t-shirt into that little envelope? Biker gang? Chinese New Year? I know - the Russians hacked into your computer, delaying only my transaction.

My feedback on sellers is going to be very interesting this month.

I bought a really cool guitar pedal. This is the package that showed up 2 days past its guaranteed arrival date. Everything was in order, there was a cute little instruction manual, which I tossed aside, and I played with the pedal. It was largely self-explanatory. Just for fun, I got out the manual to see if I missed anything, and wasn't I surprised - it was a catalog. How was I supposed to know there were switches inside the pedal and maybe what they were for? I'm a guitar player - we're stereotypically dumb, so we need all the help we can get. That's why they call them hidden features - they're hidden from the user.

Flying AIDS Hits Home? 

My mom's health aide just let her know that her dad was diagnosed with the Flying AIDS. My mom's idiot doctor said not to get her tested unless she shows any symptoms. So aside from being down 1 health aide and being exposed to the Flying AIDS, it's been a quiet week.

The FDA is investigating allergic reactions to the vaccine, reported in 5 states.

“I think we have at this point the right ... mitigation strategy with the availability of treatment for a severe allergic reaction being at the ready, and we’ll continue to monitor it very closely,” he added.

The CDC is investigating the FDA's investigation and Pfizer said there will be no official statement until they figure out what the FDA meant by that.

At a hospital in Chicago, vaccines on staff were halted after tingling and elevated heart rate. The 4 staff members are out of ICU and their families have stopped making funeral arrangements, so vaccines will resume Sunday.

The Equal Opportunity Commission said employers can require employees to get the shot or not be allowed to enter the workplace. The US Geological Agency said that employees cannot be fired for refusing to get the shot. The IRS said if they pass out from the shot, they can have 30 minutes off.

Panama's health minister ordered men and women to shop on different days to curb the spread of the Flying AIDS. The minister explained that when men and women shop, their hormones go crazy, and all of the sudden, they're having sex in the aisles, spreading the virus. 30 minutes after his announcement, the minister promised never to make announcements after margaritas.

Would Father Nature Make Weather This Weird?

Your love is like  drinking too much and spitting out your liver.


So how about this OnlyFans thing?
Social media and selling stuff has changed wildly.
Someone called Bella Thorne sold nudes (most likely of herself) for $200 and generated a ton of complaints when the pics weren't fully nude. If that doesn't interest you, and it didn't us, read the article for an idea of how these businesses operate and what sells. People, without work due to the Flying AIDS, are selling pics of their parts and keeping themselves afloat. This is a great thing in every way - capitalism at its finest. The thing that really rattled me is that there are professional cosplayers. This seems... like professional selfie-takers, or professional adults that dress like kids and ride their bikes on railings. Or professional guitar players (hahahahahaha - stop). I haven't been to the site, but
I'm going to take a SWAG (silly wild-assed guess) that there are zero to no male accounts selling pics of their junk.


Men and women will never be truly equal until men can sell pics of themselves naked.  Take this to work with you and recite it with all the conviction you can manage. You will sound deep, like a real thinker (unless H/R hears you, in which case you'll get a standing weekly appointment, like I did).



Dear lefty

• Is it gay to look at other men?
• only if you look with your dick.

Flying AIDS news

Our somewhat confused friends at the CDC admitted that only 6% of Flying AIDS deaths were from Flying AIDS - 94% were from something else. Do you see where this is going?

1 in 4 young people are reporting suicidal thoughts. Here's how to help.
Do you think these 2 paragraphs have anything to do with each other?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is promoting policies that will prolong the COVID-19 pandemic and, as such, states and local leaders should disregard the agency and strike out on their own. That’s according to Harold Varmus, the Nobel-prize-winning scientist and former director of the National Institutes of Health, and Rajiv Shah, the former administrator of the United States Agency for International Development and current president of the Rockefeller Foundation

Inspires confidence.

And backs up my contention that no one has a clue.

• How can you tell you've got too many devices?
• When you hear a BING and can't figure out which one made it.

‘Jurassic Park experiment’: 750 million genetically engineered mosquitoes to be released in Florida
What could possibly go wrong?
Mosquitoes the size of small dogs, barking and pissing on your leg?
Male mosquitoes that bite (only the females do in nature)?
Mosquitoes with real breasts?
Mosquitoes that drive buses?

Remember: if it can be done, it's already being done.

• Yeah, I'm late to the party - so what? I just realized that working from home is a great opportunity to get good at drinking.
• Pick your poison. Mine's YooHoo - the colder the better.

I like the headline: Pilot landing at LAX reports 'Guy in a Jetpack' flying alongside them. Mary Poppins? Studebaker Hawk? Al Sharpton? 

 -- don't try this at home, kids.

• UFO sightings are up 51%, according to Peter Davenport at the National UFO Reporting Center.
• Well, when you got nothing else to do, look up. Thank you, Flying AIDS

 

Nancy Pelosi (D Disneyland), who backed closing hair salons, was seen, without mask, in one. Laws for thee but not for me. This is what we vote for. For those of you following along at home, Pelosi called Trump a coward for not wearing a mask.

It gets better, though... she said the whole thing was a setup and wanted an apology. As did the bank robber, when the police showed up: he said the whole thing was a setup and demanded an apology.

P.S. Debt set to exceed size of economy - 1st since WWII
let's bail out the banks again! 

Russian interference continues: Stosh seen driving by a firehouse where voting happens in November.



U.S. Voter Databases Offered for Free on Dark Web, Report

...users are purportedly looking to monetize it using a recently launched State Department program meant to prevent election-meddling.

Makes you wonder how you need to vote.....

new problems with USPS, plus the usual USPS problems

electronic voting is nfg

follow the chads, man!

• Amazon is covertly monitoring private social media groups used by Amazon Flex workers to discuss their working conditions
• primarily to identify and respond to complaints from Flex delivery drivers about things like bugs in the company’s app
• Yeah, ok, sure. Stop it.

There is a new thing called Live Video Dating, whereby people go on video dates, but with an audience watching. Will my sociologists please tell me what this indicates, and is it any different from the tv shows with the same theme?



According to recent research, the Moon's surface is peppered with flecks of rust.
I'm telling you, the aliens are f-ing with us again. Apparently they have a lot of free time on their hands and spend it playing Prank the Earthlings. Starting in 1969, they hid the atmosphere from the astronauts. As soon as they took off, the air was brought back. This trick was more practical, as the astronauts needed their own air and couldn't stay long. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want us as guests either. Company, like fish, starts to smell after a day.




SJW Strata

Police Across Canada Are Using Predictive Policing Algorithms, Report Finds

How long til the screams start? It's racist!

Practicing Good Nasal Hygiene

Your love is like  a serious breathing difficulty, like COPD.


Happy Labor Day! The day we celebrate labor by not working.



According to the New York Post, toilet paper to New York's homeless, JFK's grandson is the last hope for the Kennedy Dynasty.  Before he runs for office, he wants it known that he's a great admirer of the mafia, thinks any old war is ok, does not want to talk to Russia about cooperation in space, and promises not to sleep with anyone's wife, girlfriend, or really hot celebrity. He doesn't even think LBJ's hat was stupid, although the jury is still out on LBJ himself.


Dear lefty

• You need a woman's viewpoint here.
• You need to adjust your meds.
• But seriously...
• The comments section has been open for 9 years. Fire away.

Wanna see a magic show? A show that invalidates math? Watch one of those public television beg-a-thons, especially the ones featuring music. I don't know how they do it, but they put on huge concerts, featuring artists who had hits before you were born. They have to get the best musical historians to dig up (literally, in some cases) the singers and bands that play these songs.

Remember the Kingsmen? You remember their only hit: Louie Louie. The vocals were so garbled on the original record, there was an investigation into whether they were obscene. To this day, even the singer doesn't know what the words mean. The album cover features 5 guys, dressed in jackets, in their early 20's. The band comes on to perform, there are only 4 guys (due to a horrible accident with a hand mixer) and there's not a gray hair in the bunch. Same garbled vocals - he had to learn how to garble again, after years speaking clearly. The song was in the late 60s, making it roughly 60 years old, making the group in their 80s. Yet they appeared no older than 50-something. It's magic!

The next lady did one of those typical 'boy wants to meet girl, girl has bad breath, girl pleads don't leave' songs. She just had a facelift so tight, she couldn't close her lips.

Then there's the black groups. Always attired spectacularly in matching suits, always in-step with each other, always hitting the notes. Except Bubba. Bubba put on a few pounds over the years, and required a custom tux, flown in from Turkey, which is one of the reasons Bubba is so large. You'll notice him sweating, right about after the introduction of the song. The rest of the group is praying that the song ends before Bubba has his final heart attack. And this is just the girl groups....

Smokey Robinson and the Miracles were in fine form, with 2 of the original members, and no Smokey Robinson. There was also an additional Miracle, who joined the band on the way to the stage. The Jimi Hendrix Experience's equipment appeared for 'Foxey Lady', because the people who played it are all dead. 3 Dog Night is now 1 Dog Night. Frankie Valli and the Season played 'Walk Like a Man', in a voice that sounded like a woman. The Mamas performed without the Papas, and a Supreme was missing Diana Ross. The Turtles were Happy Together, but not with their band. Several Beach Boys performed, in separate bands, and the Pet Shop Boys did their cover of 'Where the Boys Are'. A cricket came onstage, but Buddy Holly was nowhere to be found. The evening ended with a holographic reconstruction of Elvis Presley's hips, performing his greatest.... hips.

You have to figure some people in the bands are not the original members. Some bands tour with the original name and the original roadie. The Sweet tours with its original guitar player only. Foghat tours with its original guy who says "Testing 1-2-3".  And the Pet Shop boys tour with only their original 'boy'.

There was also a Linda Rondstadt concert from the 80s. How can a woman sing so well and be so screaming hot? I'm willing to overlook the fact she has the stage presence of Fred Jones, 88, of Trenton, New Jersey; recently deceased.

In any show featuring music that was even near the 50s, we must be subject to Jerry Blavat, The Geeter with the Heater. Nobody, including Jerry himself, knows what a geeter OR a heater is. Jerry was a disc jockey - he never played an instrument or sang. His only characteristic was that when you heard him, you wanted to punch him. I know someone who did - we send him flowers every year on the anniversary.

You have to give them credit: they all love each other and no one says anything political or that Black Lives Matter.

sigh... things sure have changed....
You're lucky if you can get all the band members to show up for the gig.
They might be attired in matching t-shirts. You might see an actual gray hair.
If there is a replacement band member, it's because of an overdose.
The roadies have to remind one of the band members that he plays guitar.
The singer storms off because they gave him Bud instead of Bud Light.
Because metal detectors mean you can't bring guns to the show, the audience lobs audience-to-stage guided missiles instead.

• The Russian election interference continues, with several Russian people logging into Twitter. 

College students are getting tips on staying safe, after many breakouts across the country.  I don't have Fauci's credentials, nor am I as confused as the CDC, but I suggest staying the f- home. Did you notice there are no breakouts at home? Answers this obvious can only come from someone who never attended college.  (I couldn't pass the drinking test)

• My parents often wonder how things would be different if they used contraception that one time....

In case you're not getting interrupted enough, I just got a text from the Pennsylvania Democrats (not all of them). No idea where they got my number. They wanted to know if they could count on my vote for Joe Biden and the Pennsylvania democrats. I asked the fellow if I could count on his vote for Jo Jorgensen and the Pennsylvania libertarians. He texted back that I could not.

He asked what were the important issues in the election.
I couldn't bring myself to be nasty to this poor fellow, who's just doing his job. Off the top of my head, they're keeping a senile dude and a megalomaniac out of office, the truth about ufos, abolishing the IRS, NSA, and any other department with letters in it, forcing cell phone providers to provide good coverage everywhere or your money back, bringing back land yacht cars, making radio great again, free nosewash, stop spreading viruses, making it illegal to laugh at tin foil hats, a cure for male pattern baldness, and giving the SJWs their own country (Siberia).

Well, if they're going to interrupt me unsolicitedously, they get what they deserve.

• My birthday's coming up, next year. Please don't get me anything.

There must be something in the alignment of the stars and work equipment and operating systems I don't like. First thing Monday morning, the (Windows) work computer has a visible cursor and nothing else. Next to it is the iDevice, which is displaying a somewhat nasty looking graphic that's somewhere between 'you should really charge me' and 'I want to have sex with the charger cable'. Above it is a url that ends in /restore. Really? The iDevice wants to be restored? The iDevice that literally sits there, and the only calls I get are spam? That I use for email if the computer is busy being Windows-impaired (like today)? Perhaps it's all a very funny and effective way of waking the employees up on a Monday morning. I rebooted Windows, which fixed that issue (aside from the fact that Windows is still installed) and the iDevice's website told me to reboot, which I did. It was really a simple, intuitive matter of holding the top button while massaging the round button and singing psalm 1:23 - Steve Jobs, We Love You.

The error code was 3.14159 - device feeling unloved.
I just can't.

• Here's a very interesting program on a ufo landing in France, in a farmer's field of lavender. There were 2 beings involved, 1 of which fired something that paralyzed him. The craft left marks in the ground and was investigated by the police.
• People raise lavender? That's outrageous.

Warren Buffet, 7th wealthiest man on the planet, and Bill Gates, war criminal, have signed "The Giving Pledge", to give the majority of their wealth away. These guys are amateurs: upon my demise, I'm giving away 100% of my wealth, unless I have an heir dog at the time. The fund to make sure I can't reproduce was successful, so I have no one to bequeath anything to, after my wife dies. I am certain I will die first, because Mrs lefty watches all the true crime shows and has a small library full of true crime books. They'll never find my body.

• Happy Birthdays: Rudolf Schenker (Scorpions), Debbie Gibson (50!), John Phillips (Mamas + Papas), 

An Asian woman with cerebral palsy was almost drowned at birth. Now she's a poet. Make up your own punchline. [I'm glad she lived but couldn't she be something useful?]

• Smart Dust. No, really, Smart Dust.
• Just imagine the fun when something you can't see or touch is there, monitoring, and reporting.
• It may be able to help people whose brains are having trouble moving limbs or other things.
• Natural defense: It will choke on the Dumb Dust in my house.

You Musk be joking: A mind-reading Neuralink chip in a pig's brain? Downloadable memories? Telepathy? Watch and judge for yourself. We're still in the infancy of this technology (I think), but it has the potential to simultaneously be something great and something so dark, you don't even want to read about it in dystopian sci-fi.


Faceyspaces sued software development kit makers, accusing them of taking personal information. Faceyspaces said that if anyone is going to steal information, it's going to be Faceyspaces.


Tesla rolled out an update to its cars that lets the cameras see speed limit signs.
Tesla refers to this as an insignificant update that almost didn't go out.




SJW School


I caught a few minutes of a DC peaceful protest riot. The well-behaved, literate protesters were running up to the police, bullhorning, screaming, and literally blowing smoke. The thing I failed to get was the Coordinated Police Marching Backwards defense. It wasn't very effective as a defense, in that the rioters were expanding their territory as the police marched backwards.  And not a single word about black lives. There are snacks being passed out, not that this is organized. One bullhorner suggested the police arrest themselves, another helped the police by letting them know "All y'all fuckin bitches". People keep running up to the police with their phones. If I were there, I'd run up to the rapidly backwards-marching line of police, and show them pictures of my dog. I'd make sure every police person in the line saw her. So there.

French game publisher Ubisoft is apologizing to fans after a video showing the opening sequence for Tom Clancy’s Elite Squad showed images of a raised black fist, which critics said was “insensitive” and appeared to connect the Black Lives Matter movement to a fictional terrorist organization in the game.  Among other things, a raised fist is the sign of oppressed groups, like Left Handed Lives Matter, but the fist is naturally the left fist, not the right one.

Prune Flavored Fish?

She comes to work armed, in a bulletproof vest.
She's the most nervous person in Washington DC.
Her clients are openly hostile.
Who is she?
She's Kellyanne Conway's marriage counselor.



Your love is like  the bends



Kentucky Fried Chicken has dropped the 'finger lickin good' slogan amid the Flying AIDS pandemic.  I don't see the problem, unless you go licking someone else's fingers, in which case there will be larger problems....



Dear lefty

• I think I'm knocked up. The father could be one of 13 guys. What do I do?
• What NASA does when there's a problem before liftoff: abort - abort!  You might also want to keep the gangbangs to an absolute minimum.

This is the 25th anniversary of Windows 95.
Now it's vaccines.
Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.

• So I sez to her, I sez, "Be nice to me or I'll take up bagpipes."

The World Health Organization hired a notorious PR firm to get celebrities to spread their message on the Flying AIDS.  Nothing to see here, go on home....

Big Pharma’s Covid-19 Profiteers
How the race to develop treatments and a vaccine will create a historic windfall for the industry — and everyone else will pay the price.
CBP Now Has a Massive Searchable Database for Devices Seized at the Border

The US border agency will be able to sift through data extracted from travelers' laptops and cellphones for up to 75 years. I don't remember either candidate mentioning this 4th Amendment violation in their speeches... 

The CDC says people exposed to the Flying AIDS do not need testing.
Yesterday there were articles stating those infected can be infected again.
THIS is why there is no faith in 'experts', or much of anyone else. It's been since roughly January, and these idiots are 'leading' the fight?

NOTE: I'm breaking my own rule by posting the above. We really need to concentrate on what we want, and not on the negative.

• There's apparently a self-help book called How Not to Get Promoted. No wonder someone asked to interview me for a book recently.

Dontcha hate it when... you're trying to get married, and the Klingons attack?


People are naming their babies Dua and Kylo because Dua Lipa and Kylo Ren are famous persons. I don't know about you, but I can't wait til Iqbal Smith, Blowjob Susie, Ignatz Aggerwal, and Suckit Surreal become famous. That's gonna be some rough childhoods.....

My real name is Jimmy Page lefty Hendrix
My parents were stupid too.

• It's day 2 of Russian interference in the upcoming election. They're trying to influence people through this blog. This does not speak well for the Russians. Don't tell them we get no more than 7 visitors per day.

Lightning strikes twice... perhaps thrice.
William Shatner recorded another album! This track features Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple), with Captain Shatner 'singing' The Thrill is Gone. It's every bit as good as his previous hits, Mr Tambourine Man and Rocket Man. The only question remaining is whether Bill's in on the joke. And did Ritchie Blackmore try to punch him on the way out of the studio.





SJW Snickering


NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he wishes he had 'listened earlier' to Colin Kaepernick


In the 2nd night of protests, people in Kenosha, WI marched and peacefully set cars on fire. Note to cities: announcing a curfew is lacking as a violence prevention method, in that 100% of the protesters ignore it.


2 people were killed and 1 injured in shootings at the Kenosha riots protests on the 3rd night.

Local media reports earlier said the violence was believed to have stemmed from a conflict between protesters and armed men guarding a petrol station.

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin, so the 4th night of rioting should be sparsely attended, if at all.

Tonight's Chant: NO JUSTICE, NO CARS! NO JUSTICE, NO BUILDINGS!
The tide is turning... when you go to YouTube to watch, the live video is referred to as Riots, not protests.


Black Lives Matter rioters attacked the Kenosha Dinosaur Discovery Museum and tore down a statue of a dinosaur in the name of racial justice.


All white people are racists.


Report: Seattle Rioters Used Concrete To Seal Police Precinct Doors Shut In Effort To “Burn Officers Alive”   If true, you're seeing the unstated agenda. This has nothing to do with black lives....

Which gender are you?