Your love is like diesel exhaust
Woman Sues Landlord, Claims Lease Included ‘Sexual Intercourse' Contract
but she signed the lease.....
Today I identify as Mao Tse Tse Tung
Ode to a t-shirt that everyone stopped carrying at the same time
It all started last year. I bought a tank top (t-shirt with no sleeves, wifebeater). It was very helpful in very warm weather. I bought more, naturally in black and blue (my school colors - it was a tough school.). Since my house tends to eat things, I cannot find a single one of them, and it's been in the 90s for weeks.
Old lefty would demand to take the house apart, in search of the errant shirts. New lefty just shakes his head, sadly, and orders more. They came pretty quickly, all rolled up in a multi-pack. Annnnnnnnd.... they were wrong. I'm a guy so I have trouble speaking about clothing accurately. When I told Wife, I said they were way too tight and springy, plus too small and they looked like corduroy. They had bloody lines going up and down. Mrs. lefty said that's how they are. "That's how they are" is a very bad phrase for me. It gets in the way of what I want and I'm even less pleasant to be around. I informed Mrs. lefty this was not a good answer and she told me what I wanted was cotton shirts. Stupid me - all my shirts are cotton - I foolishly assumed more shirts would be cotton too. Every one I ordered last year was cotton.
We checked a number of big box stores locally, with the same results. WTF - it's just a tank top. Yes, another story about lefty trying to get something pretty simple and finding it impossible. It's my life. It's also why this blog exists. Its all part of my descent into madness, and you have a front row seat. Imagine that.
Mrs. lefty decided to go to the Mart with Walls. I was stunned when she brought out two sets of them! I was lucky! Fate smiled upon me! Oh, wait... one of the packages was exactly like the one I got that was wrong. The other package was a different manufacturer's version of the Wrong Shirt. Logic and air are not the same in my universe. Gravity either, which aids the emotional support elephant (Iqbal).
I had to very carefully phrase my next utterance, lest I wear all ten shirts in a very dark and foul smelling. But.... they all have ribs. That's exactly what I was complaining about. Well, that and they ripped. So both sets have ribs. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough when I walked around the house with the shirt over my head and fell down a flight of steps, screaming about corduroy tank tops. It scared the hell out of the dog. I think, for her own sanity, Wife just ignores me. This seems to happen a lot, especially with people who are not my wife.
Now that I think about it, I have a lot of regular old t-shirts, complete with Funny Shit on them. And when I say a lot, I mean an incredible amount. Almost as many as Wife has shoes (as if that were possible). Anyway, we're getting suited up for a Shirt Safari, as there are none in my dresser. We're not sure where they go. I checked my office, the tall trees in the yard, the car tires, heating ducts, and even the Crisis Room<tm>. Nada. Nope. None. Zip. Zilch. Yet every now and then, they come back in the wash. I look at them and think, "Oh yeah, I remember those." I think the house hides them for a few months at a time, then blips them back to be washed. I probably don't want to know where they went. Maybe they were abducted by aliens. Maybe they were abducted by televangelists. Or congressional committees on laundry. Perhaps they went on vacation, which is kinda sad, because *I* can't afford one.
As I now understand it, with ten shirts in a dark and foul smelling place, the shirts have to be ordered online and have to say 100% cotton. If any local stores want to know why people are taking their business online, they should read this blog. They should read this blog even if they aren't curious. Now I have to give more money to Jeff Bezos. He needs to get more trillions together so he can afford to get divorced again.
We're having stuffed shells for dinner. They're stuffed with cheese. I don't like cheese. The shells have ribs on them. I think someone's mad at me.
Three stores do not have Penny's dog food. It gets more difficult almost daily. Know what happens when you change a dog's diet? Their system goes into BLM Riot Mode, producing all sorts of foul gas and possible diarrhea. Dogs don't even laugh when they fart.
Of course - gotta protect them pedophiles.
This could be the largest criminal organization on the planet.
Have you ever seen what childhood sexual abuse does to children?
There is a real issue with laptop hard drives failing when Janet Jackson music is played. You should be safe, because the laptop had to be made around 2005 and have a certain hard drive in it. And you wouldn't be caught dead playing Janet Jackson.
One of my grade school teachers said he graded tests by throwing them down the steps, with each step being a letter grade. Most of us are long out of school, but this method continues, especially at the CDC, which has just released its arbitrary rules for going back-to-school.
- On Mondays, no masks are required, because the school has been quarantining itself over the weekend.
- Tuesdays require masks because of Mondays
- On Wednesdays, the cafeteria has mac and cheese
- On Thursdays, everyone must show their vaccination paperz, causing absolutely no school work to get done, sometimes ending in an unexcused absence
- Friday is Fauci Appreciation Day, with assemblies featuring songs, worship, and clowns (not the FDA kind)
- CDC to regain control of US hospital data after Trump-era seizure, chaos
- CDC to restructure after COVID failure, “confusing and overwhelming” guidance
- CDC Clueless
Just got an email from a local venue, announcing the Village People!
I cannot hold my excitement.
If one of them doesn't show up, do they snag some guy off the street in a uniform?
Rejected Village People members
- parking ticket writer
- mall cop
- nuclear engineer
- IRS agent
- heterosexual
- musician
- Elvis impersonator from India
Every now and then, a draconian tool appears in schools. This is obviously one. It follows the phone trackers. Wait for the chips - they'll be swell.
Australian wasps threaten another passenger plane, with help from COVID-19
G'day mate. It would be a real shame if we built a nest in your pitot tubes. Planes, they fall out of the air sometimes. What say you pay us a small fee for protection?
There are many differences between the Japanese and Americans. This is one. We actively encourage drinking. It's a real social problem.
The reason for the action is that governmental tax revenue on alcohol is down. They should give them car keys too. Then the tax revenue on towing and morgues would be up also.
SPOILER: it's actually in the ecdysozoan group, not deuterostomes.
An award-winning photo captures a ‘zombie’ fungus erupting from a fly
 |
| Fly insists it's not fungus - it's Bling |
No comments:
Post a Comment