Not While You're Under My House You Won't

 

Your love is like  very old escargot

No, really, it's a small electric device that you stick up your nose to trim your nose hair. Yeah, I guess it could be used as a small vibrator too, provided you're very careful....

Today I identify as right handed

Sometimes I'm glad that I'm a lefty guitar player, and a picky one at that. If I were a righty, I could buy tons of guitars everywhere I went. So I'm limited by stock, availability, and pickiness. Otherwise I'd be broke from guitar buying, as opposed to healthcare, groceries, vacuums, and hamster pr0n.

You know what's great about being a (pretend) adult?

1. Yoo Hoo juice boxes for breakfast
2. ice cream for dinner
3. you only have to pretend to be an adult every so often
4. you can download hamster pr0n and have nobody to blame but yourself when you 'forget' to sleep
5. you can drive as fast as you want, and don't have to wear seatbelts, unless your stupid car beeps at you. It beeps at the dog too.

On the other hand....

1. you have to go shopping.... sometimes at CostCo
2. you can't stay home from funerals/weddings (same thing) as much
3. taxes
4. Wife hasn't learned to kiss it and make it better
5. when you're bleeding out and there are no bandages, it's your own damn fault

NASA to send prototype robot surgeon into space

Research is being funded for a 2024 launch.

I foresee problems:

• surgeon returns to Earth when it discovers there are no golf courses in space
• cost to operate rises yearly, with no hope in sight
• Obamacare won't pay for it
• with up to four occupants in the ISS at a time, it's still 3 hours late
• even though programmed by normies, it still speaks over the heads of the astronauts
• no matter how they tried, they couldn't program in a personality

Researchers built a bartending robot that could engage in personalized interactions with humans

What'll it be?

gimme a beer 

We have 243 different kinds. Can you be more specific?

with a screw top 

One Bud Lite, coming up. Sir, what's the point in squirrel piss lite?

I'm countin my calories 

I think you'd do better laying off the fast food and candy, then you could enjoy regular old squirrel piss.

Gee, thanks. 

Sir, you look upset. Women trouble?

How did you know?

I may look like a psychic, but without women troubles, bars across the world would close. What's up with you?

She spends all her time sniping and yelling at me

I see. What else?

the boom boom has dried up

mmmmmm... anything else?

She never wants to go anywhere with me 

Ah, I see. Sir, you have what we long-time bartenders call marriage. There's no reason to feel so glum. It's like that for everybody. And if they say it's not, they're lying.

wow... this is normal? 

Yes

that puts a whole new spin on things

63.7% of marriages end in divorce. 63.8% of Philly drivers don't have insurance.

you don't say

I did say, do you not listen? How's your job?

sucks, but there's no real change there, in the industry

I have a tip for you: buy chips stocks. And bartender robot stocks.

what's really getting to me lately is that there's no left handed history month

Yes, that gets to 10-11% of the population.

ideas? Yer pretty smart.

No, you're fscked. Nobody really cares about you. If you had a way to make everybody feel guilty, you'd have real power. But you're fscked. See that game last night?

don't even go there. I lost big. Did you know there was an AI bot let loose on Twitter and within two weeks, it turned into a racist nazi?

I can read, you wop.

how do you know I'm Italian?

Your wife's mustache. Belgium.

Belgium?

Belgium.

Say - who do you think you are, saying Belgium to a customer? I have half a mind to talk to your boss.

You have half a mind, period. Plus, if you think I'm an asshole, wait til you meet him.

So there might be a little tuning required.

 

Qantas asks executives to work as baggage handlers for three months

This is due to a labor shortage. There was no mention of whether or not they'd receive baggage handler salaries. 

But this is a pretty good idea regardless, especially for the executives that did not come up through the ranks (oh, more or less, approximately, just about, all of them). All executives need humility, assuming they don't come equipped with it (they don't). This exercise also provides working knowledge of the operations, to allow better decisions (how to cut costs so executives get bigger raises and parachutes). To have face-to-face encounters with customers - the lifeblood of the company (and go screaming back to their offices, cuz people are the worst of the worst). 

• Johnson - I said no ties. This is the second time you got yours caught in the luggage belt.
• Yes, if you hurt in a certain place, get a doctor's note and a truss.
• Smith - stop opening the suitcases and looking for goodies. That's the TSA's job.
• No, it's not catered.
• No, the baggage handlers do not have two hour liquid lunches. Or hot assistants. Where do you come up with this stuff?
• No, you cannot hire somebody to do your janitorial job.
• It is considered bad form to take a call while holding up the lights to steer the plane.
• You do NOT line up the baggage mover with the plane and point it at the ground, to watch all the suitcases crash (where anyone can see you).

lefty outs himself 

I am a lesbian; I like to sleep with women.

if you're Italian or have good taste, you might want to skip this....

I have had lasagna from all over the place, all the way down to frozen. My favorite is frozen Stouffers. I can hear the collective sighs and BOOs. It's just that... to be honest, I don't like much. I definitely don't like most cheese. The stuff they put in their lasagna is mild and inoffensive. I'd rather not have sausage - just beef-like substance. If someone would go to the considerable trouble to make me fresh lasagna, I'd disappoint them horribly and feel terrible. Mrs. lefty eats 45 cheese alfredo. I scream and run. She eats XXX parmesan. I have to make sure it doesn't get within 6' of my food. It doesn't matter, because the wind will blow it right onto me, making my food inedible. I call it sock cheese because it smells like it was marinated in used socks, with old fish. The odd thing is the dog will eat it. I'm always the odd man out. Or just the odd man.

You might not know this, but I have temporary control of the weather.

No, really.

When we're out walking, her cigarette smoke will always blow in my direction. If I walk to the other side of her, the wind will blow the other way. This was verified by a group of people who verify this sort of thing. They walk around with expensive equipment to see which way the wind is blowing. I asked why they need expensive equipment, when they can plainly see the smoke always travels the most efficient route to my nose. Although I do like having these people around me, with their instruments, because it makes me look impotent. Important. Something.

--> Awwww... RIP Olivia Newton-John - Australia's sweetheart

Broadcast tv (and radio) is dead, but nobody has thought to bury it yet.

This has been driven home by Cleopatra. How, you ask, does a great historical figure affect something thousands of years in the future? It's the bleeding movie with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It goes on for hours and hours. And hours. And then some hours. This is not an exaggeration... it's a lonnnnng film, made longer by actually having to watch it. While even I can appreciate the acting, I can't appreciate it longer than about an hour at a time. Unfortunately I live with someone who can watch it daily, and the tv networks oblige her by airing it daily. This is the same network. So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, ripping the hearts out of romaine, and I ask what we were going to watch. When she says "Cleopatra," I shake my head, while visions of napping sail around my head. I could tell her I was going to sleep, mow, or cheat, and she wouldn't notice. The problem is that she only sees bits of it at a time, because her buttocks do not stay attached to the sofa cushions for more than five minutes at a time. So she tells me she misses parts of it and has to 'watch' it again. Since she's a lot smarter than me, it might be a plot to get me to do housework, rather than be a party to yet another screening of the half-day-long theatrical extravaganza. 

Smart she is. The other day I replaced some overhead lights older than me. There was only one guy in the store that sounds like Rome Depot that even knew what I was talking about. And he was likely to retire because old age and senility were setting in. You see, my house was put together by drunk monkeys, that firmly did not believe in standards. While 18" (3 grams Canadian) is the standard space between studs, it was treated as more of a loose guideline. Fortunately we located a replacement kit that looked like it would fit, plus Rome Depot has a liberal return policy, according to Wife. I told her we're not liberals, but she said we were continuing, undaunted. The only problem, as I saw it, was that the light kits had to be installed. This is a problem that has repeatedly raised its ugly head since we moved in.  As if that weren't enough, the kit had the wrong electrical connector (of course), necessitating yet another trip to the Depot. Never having even supervised the installation of such a major piece of construction, I started to get nervous when I saw the 6" kit was for 5" or 6". How can 5" = 6", unless it's a guy talking about his junk? 

You cannot buy incandescent light kits anymore - they're all LED. 99% of them require a separate power box to be installed. If I have to stand on a ladder and put something in the ceiling, I'm not doing extra work. Fortunately we found the single unit that didn't require a power box. Do you know some of these kits come with remote controls so you can change colors of the lights or make them blink so they cause seizures in epileptics? I couldn't bear a light with a remote control, but we got one with six settings. What does this mean? It says something about warmth. Since LEDS don't have much warmth, I checked the manual. The smart manual writers, just like me, have no clue about light warmth, so they simply told everyone how to switch the warmth, of which there were about 35 settings.  I asked Wife, who admitted roughly the same amount of knowledge on light warmth as the manual writers (none). Being from Texas, I just went with the biggest setting, cuz everything's bigger (and brighter, apparently) in Texas.

I was pretty damn proud of myself. It wasn't falling out of the ceiling, and I only had two or three wires left over, plus a bunch of hardware that looked kinda irrelevant. The real shock came when I turned it on: it was damn bright. I was beside myself, which is a very strange thing to see. Mrs. lefty was beyond words, which is a once in a lifetime event. When she recovered, she went over the installation again, to make sure I didn't have other people come in to install it for me. Satisfied that I actually did something the job, she proceeded to shower me with praise. Because you have to provide positive feedback when your child performs a task, so they'll do it again next time. I hear there's a party being planned for me. The only problem is that I'm both antisocial and introverted, so I hate parties. I suggested another guitar instead - after all, it's been two whole years since the last one. 

There's only one more fixture to replace.

And trash to take out.

And mowing.

And some light in the basement, which we haven't actually seen since we moved in; Jimmy Hoffa is buried there.

Almost every Ferrari sold since 2005 is being recalled

Apparently they were terribly jealous of Tesla and wanted to make a real splash. Unfortunately it's only possible brake failure.

 Serena Williams may be retiring from tennis after the US Open

Needs to keep exercising or her thighs will go from the size of telephone poles to merely huge.

Question Time 

Burger King just sent spam receipts to customers

The question is not about who sent the emails, the question is why Burger King has your email address.

California accuses Tesla of false advertising over Autopilot

it very plainly states it's an assist, not an auto-driver

 

Umm.. both of these issues could have been avoided with common sense and personal responsibility, which the legal system has been trying to stamp out for hundreds of years. If you don't give your email address to Burger King and don't use Autopilot to drive your car by itself, the point would be moot. It's not like there haven't been any articles about Teslas hitting things (or exploding). If you're gonna spend north of 50 grand for something, you might want to take a minute to RTFM (read the manual).

It's not that we don't learn, it's that we won't learn. Look at the number of people who think Windows is the only operating system and their computers won't function without it. Look at the people who click on everything. Who give up privacy and security without a thought.