Suffice it to say, I should probably weigh 400lbs (243 yards Canadian). Fortunately I don't.
Due to some work changes, I don't move around as much.
When I say I don't move around, I mean the walk to the car has gotten shorter. So I've taken precautions: I spin around in my office chair a lot. That's what ladies mean by spin class, right? How they drive after this, I have no idea.
As a result, I'm giving birth to a beer belly, which is a shame, as I don't drink beer. It's like having venereal disease when you don't have sex.
I got some sage advice, from someone who told me they exercise, on eating. They do spin class too, so all things are equal (except gender, exercise, level of fitness, and tastes in food). I could tell something was different from their reaction when I mentioned Chocolate Frosted Flakes. The sheer disbelief and horror, while absolutely hilarious, was ominous. I could hear that Ominous Music, like when some idiot goes into the dark house in a movie, instead of screaming like a girl and running in the other direction.
The first piece of advice I received was fruit for breakfast.
After they revived me, I worked diligently to apply this new information.
Strike One.
Apparently putting banana slices on my Chocolate Frosted Flakes was not entirely what they had in mind. As if there's a problem with chocolate and bananas. Chocolate is the only way to get bananas in - what do these people want from me?
They also mentioned yogurt.
This was initially confusing, as one can buy yogurt or yoghurt.
It was also sad, as yogurt was a traditional joke and punishment for most of my life. It was something only women ate, although no one has ever determined the reason.
Wife, bless her, dutifully shopped for, and brought home, large amounts of yogurt, having decided to forego yoghurt. After a bit of research, I discovered yoghurt in consumed in Britland, where they pronounce it yog-ert.
With the attention span of an aggravated infant, it's difficult to type this and ignore the tv, which is showing one of those sciency shows, where the host does stuff that would make normal people poop in their pants. This time the host is cabling one of those huge bridges, with a 73.5 ton cable. He likened it to a guitar string (twice), so that pulled me in. The size of the guitar required to use that cable as a string would be roughly the size of New Jersey (except for the sand in your swimsuit.. rug burn doesn't even begin to describe it).
When one goes to the store, one is bowled over with a yogurt section roughly the size of the aforementioned guitar (but without the aforementioned cable strings). There's everything except High Fat Yogurt. Everything is low fat. This is a problem, as my body will reject anything low fat. Wife knows this, so she did her best to locate High Fat Yogurt, which employees helped her unearth. It wasn't even expired! It had three days left. I happen to know it doesn't ever expire because fat never goes bad. Fruit, however....
I try to be flexible, enjoying at least one type of fruit. Raisins. Covered in chocolate. See a theme here? Ok, grapes too. And strawberries, provided they're in slushies, with sugar and high frustose-containing fruit juice-like substance. Once a year or so, I'll eat a blueberry, just to say I did. I watched a household consisting of a disposable human and four dogs, in which the dogs got a blueberry as a treat.
Yogurt returned, in the form of yogurt smoothies (no ice cream, or even ice!), and actual yogurt, along with the Jamie Lee Curtis Green Stuff. I'm hoping green refers to the package and not the yogurt itself. Maybe that's what yoghurt is. Bloody English. Wife did exactly what I'd do, and picked up strawberry rhubarb yogurt, because we'll see strawberry and ignore anything that comes after it. Ever eat strawberry light bulb? This package also included lemon. LEMON? LEMON IS FOR TEA AND WATER, not yogurt. Lemon is contravened under the Geneva Convention (like vi and emacs, linux users). Wife seemed confused over my stance on lemon, even after I reminded her of the Lemon Bar Incident. It was too horrible to describe in a family blog. Or this one. The remaining flavor was blueberry. Fortunately it wasn't blueberry lemon. Ever try to return yogurt? Even without pinholes in it?
I am happy to report that my activity levels have gone up, directly in relation to the yogurt! Somebody has to stir the stuff... getting the fruit off the bottom is no small task.
AS it turns out, all of my cereals are off the table, except for Raisin Bran. Why do I eat Raisin Bran if I don't have to? It's my nod to health food. To make things even more healthy, I stopped putting sugar on it, prompting my mentors to instruct me to STOP PUTTING SUGAR ON EVERYTHING. These people are professional fun stoppers (like nuns). They were further unimpressed (ok, horrified) at my sugar snacks. What is a sugar snack? When you go to a restaurant and see those packets of sugar, you open one and eat it. Ok, I'll come clean: I only did it once, when I was little, to watch the expression on my mom's face. It's a wonder she's still alive and mostly present. She probably prefers dementia, so she doesn't have to remember.
As for my beloved Chocolate Frosted Flakes, I don't throw away food, so I will finish the box. And the rest of the case. And the other cases I have on standing order.
It was explained to me that fruit and yogurt (and other stuff I refuse to type, no less eat) are good for breakfast because your body fasts overnight and is more efficient in the morning (unlike us, who aren't even awake til after lunch). Further, bagels were verboten in the morning.. the theory being that you're more active and can burn them off later in the day.
This is where things go entirely to hell.
My activity level does not increase after lunch. In fact, my activity level never increases. I slave over a hot computer for most of the day. I know that staring burns no calories, even if I squint a lot (eyelid aerobics). It wasn't until recently I discovered I had what's called lazy eye, where the eyelid is apparently droopy or something equally silly. What they completely missed is that lazy eye is only a small part of lazy body.
The changes are bad enough, but all these Diet Geniuses also recommend the E Word. The word is so horrible, it hurts to type it (exercise). I feel about exercise almost as bad as I feel about mowing (I'd rather pull my own teeth out and swap them with my spleen).
Meanwhile, I can tell the new way of eating is making a difference!
My pants feel tighter.
Screw this - I need to go back to my traditional breakfast: candy bars and Coke.
- We haven't had any horrid Faceyspaces news, at least since last post.. it was recently discovered that they're sharing your personal phone number, given as part of Two Factor Authentication or service improvements, to advertisers. Spam calls are already through the roof. Close. Your. Account.
- Important and sensitive UN data has been found on the web. I'd be outraged, only the UN serves no useful purpose, unless it's paying your salary.
I've stayed away from the Kavanaugh hearings on purpose. Yet another shit show from Divide and Conquer, Inc. It's the same script too: President announces something, opposing party and 50% of the country find any way possible to object, including throwing whatever possible at it. News coverage is full of the fight because they're told to be.
The same script. Look at the big picture (because you'll be one of few).
If Trump said he was putting measures in place to keep us safe from the black plague, half the country would intentionally become infected with it. It's an absolute circus.
Mrs lefty tells me things Kavanaugh allegedly said caused one woman to have PTSD. I'm no doctor, but PTSD is something you see in soldiers returning from war and victims of childhood abuse.
The other countries who don't hate us are laughing hysterically.
We pissed off Canada. The nicest people on the planet. One Canadian friend said if I go to any other country, tell them I'm Canadian, eh.
- It's not that I'm having a bad day, but I'm going to get one of those Teeter tables, hang upside down, and watch tv. It doesn't even bother me that the picture will be upside down... the left handed have special skills.
Congress has approved several cybersecurity bills. This is never a good thing.. it's like me writing a few bills to keep us safe from opera and ballet.
- If you get some sort of offer from someone on Faceyspaces (or anywhere else) to attach a box to your router and earn some money by referring friends, DON'T. If you do, you'll be spreading viruses and will have to change every password and credit card you have.
Overheard on police scanner: Black male, no underwear, no pants, walking toward gas station.
- The whole ThermionicEmissions family sends out best wishes to Dickie Betts, cofounder of the Allman Brothers. After a few minor cardiac events, he tripped on something in his yard and they had to drill holes in his head to relieve the pressure on his brain. I think a groupie hit his head for him.
- Dickie has a special mandate to not be dead, as the original band is shuffling off at a rapid pace: Duane Allman-accident, Berry Oakley-accident, Gregg Allman-cancer, Butch Trucks-suicide. This leaves Dickie-guitar and Jaimo-drums. Marc Quinones-percussion is a member from a while back. Warren Haynes and Duane Trucks (Butch's nephew) are always on tour with Government Mule and the Tedeschi Trucks band.
- The Allman Brothers happen only once. Not in a lifetime.. Once.
I just got an offer to see The Music of Cream 50th Anniversary Tour.
None of us would ever suspect songs touring... especially at 50.
Judging by last name, Ginger Baker and Jack Bruce's kids are in the band, plus another fellow I don't recognize. You can even purchase a VIP package consisting of: a front row ticket, a meet and greet, a little booklet explaining who these people are so you can sound like you have a clue.
Where are they now? Ginger Baker is my hero. I don't know much about drumming, but old Ginger has managed to alienate every country in which he resided. Usually for drugs. He is stiff and has to really get in shape before picking up a stick. Eric Clapton is getting arthritis in his hands (hell on earth). Jack Bruce, the smartest of the three, saw this coming and is described, in the words of Roto Reuter, as "dead."
Billy was a mountain.
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder.
-Billy the Mountain (Frank Zappa)
