Uplifting End of Year Post

 

At the end of every year, I like to share something uplifting. Keeping with tradition, here's the 2022 Death List. Play along - extra points for deaths you didn't know about.

Gilbert Gottfried - AFLAC!

Bob Saget - America's Funniest Deaths

Louie Anderson - oddly enough, it was cancer

Sidney Poitier - the strongest actor in the world - fought heart failure, Alzheimer's, and prostate cancer.

Michael Lang - one of 4 organizers behind Woodstock

Ronnie Spector - Be my little baby

Meat Loaf - would have lived longer if his name was Brussels Sprout

Peter Robbins - the voice of Charlie Brown

Howard Hesseman- Johnny Fever on WKRP Cincinnati

Sally Kellerman - Hot Lips

William Hurt - actor

Taylor Hawkins - Foo Fighters drummer

CW McCall - we got a big ol' convoy

Naomi Judd 

Alan White - Yes' drummer for 50 years, also John Lennon

James Caan - occasional actor, had many bit parts

Olivia Newton-John - cancer activist, occasional singer and actor

Angela Lansbury

Robbie Coltrane -  'Arry!

Jerry Lee Lewis - the Killer been killed

Dan McCafferty - "Love Hurts" - Nazareth

Christine McVie - Fleetwood Mac - wrote "Don't Stop" among many others

Kirstie Alley - Cheers, Kirstie

Aaron Carter 

Loretta Lynn

John Hartman - Doobie Brothers co-founder/drummer

Ramsey Lewis

Lamont Dozier

Brett Tuggle - keyboardist for everyone

Jim Seals - Seals and Crofts

Vangelis

Nichelle Nichols - "Lieutenant Uhura, hail St. Peter"

Cheslie Kryst - former Miss America

Green indicates they went of their own free will.

Big changes are coming to ThermionicEmissions!

The individual blog installments are published every 3 days, at 4am.

As of 2023, they will be published at 4:01am.

We try to keep things fresh for you.

Know what I hate?

Everything.

I think this will be the official motto of ThermionicEmissions.

I was thinking of doing something meaningless and vapid, so let's list our New Years resolutions!

1. expand my collection of hamster pr0n to world class status
2. get the 6th toe on my left foot included in my mani-pedi's
3. gain weight
4. stop those $&@^ing bugs from crawling up the walls
5. get taller
6. start procrastinating
7. start dating remind Wife how much I love her
8. limit flamethrower use to twice a month
9. limit plastic explosive use to four times a month
10. start a presidential campaign

I've run for president twice, so you can see how successful I've been.

The first question is whether the candidate is me or a green pen. I'm pretty sure it will be the pen this time. I have a few slogans.....

• Vote for the pen - he couldn't possibly be any worse
• No red ink!
• Pens don't have odd hair and aren't capable of cognitive decline (although this one will be accused of it)
• I sure hope it doesn't get accused of a sex scandal. The results would be.... messy. And ugly.
• Refuses to sign anything upside down
• If kidnapped, it will bleed all over the kidnapper's pocket, permanently identifying him.
• Will make other candidates green with envy
• Promises to wear his helmet whenever women are around
• No shooting heroin while driving laws
• Mandatory 5 year sentence if you get caught not bothering Congress
• No more drag shows in schools. Instead, where to find best pr0n online
• Bring back cursive writing in schools
• Bring back education in schools
• Tax breaks for the left handed

Reaction to The Pen

• Man on the street:  Yeah, pen, I think.
• 2nd man on the street: He doesn't say a lot, but makes good sense.
• 3rd man on the street: Oh, Pen. Definitely. Provided he doesn't send ink to other countries.
• President on the street: Hey, I'm afraid of this pen. He's got good ideas and I don't think I can run against him. Do I have to wear my mask at Disneyland? Kamala wants to ride the rollercoasters all day. I'll tell her it's ok, but she has to let all the People of Color ride first.

So it looks like it's the pen!

Are you in? 

SAVE YOUR MONEY

Now that we have militarized space, via Space Force, we have moved the Final Frontier.

Science is quietly making noise about interdimensional travel. You know what that means, right? Interdimensional Force. And you better hope the multiverse theory is incorrect, because you're going to have to pay for a Multiverse Force, but in every string of the multiverse. So save your money; taxes are going up. Further. 

We're not even going to discuss time travel, where Congress goes back to the 1500s and taxes everyone retroactively....

I was violently awakened at 9am the other day. I asked what was on fire, because that's the only reason for awakening me during Forced Vacation (or any vacation, weekend, weekday, or any day ending in Y). Hearing talking, I rounded it up to be Wife, as Dog can't talk (yet). She was going somewhere. I'm sure she had told me at some point. Even mostly asleep, I couldn't figure out why at 9am. This set everything out of kilter and I almost got out of bed. Almost. Through sheer will, I went back to sleep til noon, when civilized people get up.

We stopped opening the shades because there's no light outside; just clouds. This particular morning i decided why the hell not and opened the shades. I immediately wished I hadn't. 55mph winds, and it was snowing sideways. It was 29 degrees, so with winter factor, it was minus 2. This was too much for first thing in the morning, and I began to yearn for the fire at 9am. I washed my hands and wondered why I was using hot water.. I wasn't. The water was warmer than the outside temperature. I didn't want to know about the inside temperature.

Ten minutes later, a few clouds moved out of the way and we had something akin to sun. Naturally it didn't last long. The news has been atwitter with Doom stories about cold, storms, and travel interruptions. Good for them - at least they had something to talk about. Imagine how bad it would be if there were no storms forecast. Then imagine if the storm actually materialized when forecast (just kidding). 

As I type this, Mrs. lefty is making her contribution to the blog by moving things, SLAMMING things, ripping things, and keeping it constant, right in my ear. BANG BANG RIP CRASH RIP RIP CURSE BANG THROW BANG CURSE.  There's nothing more calming than to have this constant factory noise going on right next to you. If you perceive the tone of the blog as ANGRY, that might be why.

The neighbors, who have been quiet for a week, decided noise had to be made. They probably thought I was napping. It sounded like a 5,000lb bee. I figured either a drone or lawn edger, neither of which would perform too well with 35mph winds (they came down from 55 after the boys in blue gave them a ticket). If a drone could even get off the ground, it would probably only hover, if not dive strenuously to the ground. There's nothing to spy on in the neighborhood, unless you're one of those who get off on naked old people. If it were an edger, the grass would either blow back into your face, or onto my lawn. Guess which one I prefer.....

BANG BANG RIP CRASH RIP RIP CURSE BANG THROW BANG CURSE

Military Aid Makes the World Go Round

Lastly, it's still the holiday season. Keep the spirit when you read that your tax dollars helped Ukraine to the tune of $65 billion, and President Zelenskyy has asked for an additional $45 billion

In any war, the only winner is the Military Industrial Complex.

Hunting the Wild Anvil

Your love is like   used Twinkies

How to delete your Faceyspaces account

Today I identify as  a fairy prince

So I'm not sure how, but we got out of the house last weekend. It's a pretty cool area, with two actual guitar stores. One actual guitar store had hundred of guitars, but they were all backwards (no lefties). The other actual store did a fine job, with about seven lefties. It was moot, as I didn't like any of them. I'm pickier than a woman with 27 channels of NFL football.

The thing that knocked me out was the customer service, in almost every store. Truly pleasant and helpful. One of the guitar store guys went way beyond and did some digging to find some answers for me. The makeup store girls got upset because we were obviously interrupting their gathering by the register. I didn't take it personally; I'm sure it was a very important, secret business meeting to discuss stuff customers shouldn't be privy to. 

I was also happy to notice that there weren't a lot of closed stores. And there was a Cinnabon, which is kind of a place of worship for us. Get yourself a mochalotta chill to drink - bon optional.

Because we had our first 80 degree day earlier in the week, it was 96. Could be worse. Could be tomorrow, where the forecast is 92 and rain. This means it will probably snow.

One cannot take a trip out without the Major Fun of people watching. I haven't been out in a while, so I almost forgot about it. To show you how long it's been, I even fell for Wife's "I'll just pop into this store for a few minutes." Wife Math is very different from actual math, where 45 somehow equals 5. I would have been happy to go in, but there was a NO DRINKS sign, so I got to stand out front with a drink. People were coming by and using me as a seat. I wouldn't mind, but they kept leaving their trash in my lap. I always wanted to go into a store with a NO DRINKS sign and wait for a helpful employee to stop me and tell me NO DRINKS. I'd remove the plastic cap from the drink and spill it on the floor. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." Instead I stood. And stood. And watched people. Because it was 96, one guy was wearing shorts and a wool hat. He didn't have to worry about heat, obviously because he was so cool. The second guy with a wool hat had EARS on it. I'll just never be cool enough to pull this off.

We saw men in sandals and socks. This used to mean I'm a foreigner, but now it's apparently an acceptable uniform. We saw men in skirts. I'm not poking fun - I like a nice skirt (provided she's wearing it when I'm getting into it). 

In Victoria's, I pointed out some cute panties to Wife. She politely suggested I wear them before she would. Ok, but there are none in my size. She's a lot easier to fit. I was informed that certain underwear feels like dental floss between your cheeks. She doesn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter what it feels like... it matters what it looks like (to me). This became moot because there were only 97 people at both of the open registers. Don't repeat this, but I know Victoria's Secret: how they get so many to pay so much for so little.

Since I need glasses, Wife suggested I look at Warby Parker, online. I did, and discovered that there were 100 pairs that were all the same, but different colors. Lo and behold, we found a Warby Parker actual store. You won't believe this, but we went in and there were over 100 pairs, that were all the same, except for color. Who would have guessed? 

There was a smoothie store, which looked good, given the temperature. I spent 5 minutes looking at the extensive menu, getting frustrated. There was no fat frozen yogurt, acai, grass, other green stuff, and things I couldn't pronounce. I got rid of my frustration by trying to get the lady to make me something I'd like.

I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.

Yes, that comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.

I'd like a strawberry smoothie, please.

That comes with no-fat frozen yogurt bananas, and apple juice.

Can I have just strawberries?

You want a strawberry smoothie with just strawberries?

You nailed it! Thank you.

But how would that work?

Well, you'd put only strawberries in it.

Who would want to have a strawberry smoothie without no-fat frozen yogurt and some weird grass we pulled outside?

*I* would. I'm not asking for your extensive knowledge of stuff you put in drinks. I just want something *I* can drink.

[thinking.........] I don't think we can do that.

How about you try this: put strawberries, ice, and some strawberry juice in the blender?

BLEH!

You don't have to like it - you just have to make it.

No, I'm sorry, we just can't make that.

Why not? This isn't California.

How about the strawberries, ice, and apple juice?

I'm allergic to apples.

Ok, strawberries, ice, and no-fat frozen yogurt.

Got any vanilla ice cream? Vanilla hi-fat frozen yogurt?

[shrieks] Why would we carry that?

Candy bars? Stockings? Cheese?

Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave the store. You're just too weird to eat here.

But the real surprise was learning that the universe was listening to me: TUBE TOPS are back! 

• I haven't spent much time on the Depp trial for obvious reasons, but today's tidbit is that Kate Moss will be testifying. It is of no consequence whatsoever, other than I think she's cute.

Just so the prior outing didn't feel so alone, I made the mistake of trying for another smoothie. They had 16 varieties, which I knew could mean only one thing: I wouldn't like any of them. I shouldn't be so picky... they had coconut, dirty motor oil, and peanut butter. So I asked for a plain strawberry and the guy said no problem. But yes problem. It tasted like half a strawberry. I asked if there was some way he could make it sweeter. He said NO SUGAR but offered Splenda. No thank you, I prefer to get my cancer other ways. I asked if there were some juice that would help. He kept jumping up and down to assure me there was no juice in the smoothie. I realized there was a language barrier; he was speaking accented English and I must have been speaking Swahili again. Sometimes I slip into it without realizing. I keep asking Wife to tell me when my language changes, but she's so used to it, she forgets. But goddammit, she loved her smoothie, and that's all that mattered. It's a mixed bag being my wife: yes, I treat her like a queen, but on the other hand, she has to be married to me.

Dolphins Recognize Friends by Tasting Their Piss, Scientists Find in Wild Experiment

This could go horribly wrong if applied to humans, no? 

 

Hey, is that you, Johnny?

Yeah.

Could you piss a bit, so I can be sure?

Hey, Bob, squirt some my way! 

Sometimes a piss is just a piss, guys

Things are weird round the old hood....  we had our favorite neighbor pass from the Flying AIDS. The house is for sale. Now the Crazy Lady, on the other side of our place, has gone to a facility. I think she'll still outlive us, but I guess you get more fragile after the age of 480. As they put her into the ambulance, I heard, "..and your little dog too." So now there are two houses for sale next to us. Is it too much to ask for a hottie that plays guitar? Or is really impressed by guitar players? Someone who can babysit when Mrs. lefty goes out of town for a few days? A new friend for the dog? Vanessa Hudgens, looking for a place she can get away? Linda Fiorentino, doing research for her new movie? I figure the chances are much better because there are two houses for sale. Maybe not... I don't want that kind of temptation. Mrs. lefty would get suspicious because I'd leave the couch and the house.

Along these lines, there's a trashcan in front of the Crazy Lady's house. If she's not there, whose trash is it and who put the can out? I ask the tough questions.

• the dog doesn't like noise, like cycles and loud cars. Neither do I.
• she's currently barking at a plane. Like everyone else here, she needs therapy.

Where's the ketchup?

Hmmmm...... I thought I saw it by the shelves.

Nope.

Crap.

Crap indeed. I like it on my burgers.

Use barbecue sauce.

Yes, I understand, but I like ketchup on my burgers.

Well, I'll have to look for it later.

        ------------------------

     [a few days later]

I found the ketchup.

Great - where was it.

Outside, on the grass, under the window.

Dammit, why didn't *I* think to look there?

I'm making fish tonight.

Oh, there's none in the freezer. You should look under the tree in the back yard.

• $5.19 for gas today

Word Updates 

• still no progress on Game Changer 
• Easy Peasy easing off nicely
• We're all sorry, but Supply Chain Issues will be here for a while
• there is still no specific slur for Malaysians

Run to the store - any store - and get Ghirardelli white chocolate caramel squares.

• Ok, kids, this may or may not be relevant, but New York City just removed its last payphone from service. Some would argue they were never in service. That aside, it's kinda sad. Now Superman will have nowhere to change.

The city just made part of my street a bicycle lane.

I'm ok with it - it makes it easier to hit them, because you'll always know where they are.

• 'Democratic' jackdaws use noise to make decisions
• out of 30 decisions, they come to one very bad one

#Libertarian

High Level Nap Planning

 Your love is like  ice cream and green beans

if you have an iDevice, update to 14.5.1 now.

BlueTooth toothbrushes

My buddy just got one. So I asked him the question that was burning my brain - why bluetooth?

He told me it keeps track of his brushing and gives him stats, as well as letting him know if he's ignoring one tooth.

Fascinating.

Plus his entire brushing history goes to Oral-B. Next year, his dental insurance won't cover tooth #16 because he hasn't spent enough time brushing it.   

Today I identify as the pollen that's turning my car green. 

• a gamer was found dead, clutching his Xbox controller, after an all night session
• 100,000 parents just came alive: "I told you if you do that too long, you'll be in trouble!" 

The neighbor situation where I am is pretty good.

Until yesterday, when I found a notice on my car. Somebody had reported it abandoned. I'm thinking the crime stats are really down locally, for the police to have bothered. It's nice to know the locals are protecting us from parked cars, though.

Well, given that it's 'abandoned' a few houses past mine, maybe it's not really abandoned. Maybe it's my 2nd car and I don't drive it much. Maybe there's a neighbor who needs his car computer reprogrammed to play "It's a small world after all" whenever it's started. Maybe the police should ask first.

Being the good citizen, I emailed the nice policeman, asking if it was ok to park my car on my own street. This should be interesting.

I have only had trouble with one neighbor, who took snow from her driveway and put it around and on my car, which was parked on the street. She blamed me for parking my car in the street. I'm not the kind of asshole who calls the police over nonsense like this. Sometimes, the snow plows dump a few loads into her driveway, though. Damn funny to see. Couldn't be me - I don't have a snow plow.

Prince Harry, Duke of Prunes, made an appearance at a Vax Live concert, to thunderous applause. I hope the prince doesn't find out what it's really like to be an American...they'll throw limes and teabags at him.

HEY HARRY!

What?

GOT ANY NAKED PICTURES OF MEGHAN?

No.

WANT SOME?

• Portugal is opening the world's longest pedestrian suspension bridge
• bridge workers are on strike already because they don't want to clean up after the bridge scares the shit out of crossers

Flying AIDS News 

Herd Immunity is not reachable, so it's not important. The virus will just become manageable.

President Biden cautioned America's Doctor, Anthony Fauci, that we're not vaccinating herds until J&J comes out with a cattle version. He said we're vaccinating Americans here, so we could call them lumps, glumps, Merkuns, or The Great Unwashed, but not herds.

Fauci said herd immunity is now out the door because no one can figure out what the mystical herd number is, so they'll just twist around some words and put them out into the public for people to repeat for a few months, until the next excuses come out.

• New York's mayor Bill DeBlasio is calling city workers back to work.
• The workers are not happy.
• When have you ever seen a happy New York City worker?

Hollywood stars are testing for political runs.

Caitlyn Jenner is running for governor of California. After their current governor, earthworms would be better, but Caitlyn is the perfect choice for California. Think about it.... Jenner cannot expect a cakewalk, as the Gay Makeover guys are running as one candidate, as is RuPaul.

Animal, from Sesame Street, is running for Los Angeles mayor, under the "I couldn't be any worse" platform. Animals struggles with ADHD and ice cream are well known. Other candidates rumored to announce are Jared from Subway and Ghislane Maxwell. Their campaign managers say that it's wise to vote for someone who is already in prison, which saves the long trials.

Dwayne Johnson, is still working on his presidential bid, because being an actor is qualification enough.

Others include Ashley Judd, Kid Rock, and Matthew McConaughey. At least with Kid Rock, all of his affairs and dependency issues are already in the public domain. The only things the detectives will find is that he goes to church every Sunday, supports orphans, and volunteers at the soup kitchen.

• Camden County College (New Jersey) held a drive-thru graduation ceremony
• this was a brilliant idea, and will give them valuable experience for the job market
• "I'll take two Big Macs...."

MOSCOW (BLOOMBERG) - Officials hailed Moscow's massive facial recognition camera network as a benign aid to residents that would enforce quarantine restrictions, catch criminals and even let them pay subway fares.

Now it's being deployed to crush dissent against President Vladimir Putin.

nuff said?

 

North Wildwood, New Jersey, has spent $4 million in state taxpayer dollars to bring in sand because of beach erosion. Now they want federal aid, like their neighbors on both sides.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your federal tax dollars are going to beach projects for rich people and businesses at the beach, in a different state. Do we get a discount for going to that beach? Hi, I'm lefty and this is Mrs. lefty - we paid to help fight erosion at this beach. We would like the Celebrity package, please. And don't give us any crap about dogs not being allowed on the boardwalk.

• Google will ban deceptive marketing from Play Store apps
• will also remove viruses by 2031

NYPD adopted, for the bargain price of $94,000, a canine robot. It was a really odd looking thing, which generated a ton of bad press and ill will. The robot was only used for seeing - it had no offensive or defensive abilities, per contract. The press was so bad, the $94k robot is being 'put down.' New York, home of all sorts of monstrosities, is considering other robots.....

• a DMV robot: there is no word on if it curses at you
• a City Hall robot: it actually works. Unions vowed a fight to the death against it
• another NYPD robot: it only bites black people

Kroger grocery stores will begin testing drone deliveries. Will deliver to home or your phone location. For an extra charge, it will deliver condoms to hotels for 'business meetings'

Google is giving users incorrect information to the question "how long do porn stars live?" by citing faulty statistics from a Reverend who believes that working in the adult industry will bring down God's wrath on you.

That's about accurate for Google  

duckduckgo.com - the search engine that doesn't track you

Twitter ROCKS

--> Hi im a lesbian and i fscking love dick.  centering lesbianism around pussy is so fucking othering to trans and nonbinary lesbians jesus fscking christ

--> I love dick, I just don't like dick when it's attached to a cis man. But girldick or nonbinary dick is totally fine and I don't think that makes me less of a lesbian

The Post Office is admittedly not meeting its 1-3 day delivery for first class (.55 stamp) mail.

Solution?  Change the standard, so it can take longer. Your government at work. A very interesting and sadly revealing article.

Here are some Flying AIDS links. I do not vouch for their accuracy. They are being provided as information to help you decide what's going on.

EXCLUSIVE - Former Pfizer VP: ‘Your government is lying to you in a way that could lead to your death.’

MODERNA: “WE’RE REWRITING YOUR GENETIC CODE”

Freedom Becomes a Long-Haul COVID Victim

I bitched/observed about our lack of decorating/arranging/organizing abilities.

I wanted everybody to know that I took my first step today: I found a magazine with Frank Zappa on the cover and I'm mounting it on the wall in my office. 

Do I get a gold star?  

We visited a friend the other day. We have to make an effort not to notice the large, well-decorated and kept house, and the huge garden outside. It's something out of Better Homes & Gardens. We couldn't put together a single room that looked that nice. Oh well, different people get different talents. When I find mine, I promise to reveal it here.

• Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced
• He caught her using linux 
• when asked for comment, Melinda said, "I cannot keep up with his level of evil."

A Tesla was hacked, using a drone.

Told you so 

Great if you don't have a Tesla, but it won't be limited to Tesla. I maintain that we don't need this level of communicative electronics in our cars. The bonus with this hack is they can turn the car into an access point, to hack other cars. 

• Bored? Librivox has free public domain audiobooks
• What are hipster germphobes up to? Take a look

I think it's National Pet Month.

Nobody has any idea how these things come about, or where they come from. I suspect people just make it up as they go along....   

• Hey, it's National Scrotum Week, to promote scrotum health
• I'm still campaigning for Left Handed History Month. Strangely enough, I only get 10% support
• Arm Pimple Week
• Spray Mop Thing week
• National Vacuum week (bought and paid for by the vacuum lobby) - it sucks
• and of course, Nose Hair Month

With A Melon?

Snowmageddon 2017 is underway!
True to forecast, the snow started at 8-10pm, then at 9-11pm, as forecast. We were to see 2-4" by the morning, which appears to be optimistic, but there's so much sleet, it looks like an ice skating rink. There aren't even tracks in the street, so I'm hoping the smart people (and everyone else) stayed in. Schools in PA and NY were closed as of yesterday, long before it started. The majority of damage is supposed to occur today, so we'll check in later with our team of intrepid people who occasionally look out the window.

UPDATE from the People Who Occasionally Look Out the Window:
The Great Blizzard turned into The Fizzling Blizzard. Our 6-10" then 8-12" rapidly died at 2-4" of snow, with a nice sheen of sleet on top. I still wouldn't drive* but this was a bit of a break. You have to give credit to a high number of meteorologists, who completely screwed up the forecast, in a rather serious way.  The governor of Maryland declared a state of emergency yesterday, before the snow started. This happened last year too.. no amount of egg on their faces will improve their accuracy (although I understand it's not easy).

Further update: the responsible entities have done a pretty good job of clearing the streets. Except perhaps our street, which still has a snowy/icy coating. My street does not look significantly different from surrounding streets, which are clear, hence my confusion.

But when I say clear, I'm referring to the snow on roads. The roads themselves are clogged by trucks going to stores to refill supplies of bread and milk.

• Headline of the week: IT Workers Expect Industrial Internet of Things Attacks to Rise.  Also expect taxes to rise and weather to be unpredictable.

Our buddies in the House GOP have been busy behind our backs, as is normal. This time it's a little heard of bill that would allow employers to require employees to undergo genetic testing or risk paying a penalty of thousands of dollars and would let employers see the genetic and other health information. Although this is prohibited by prior legislation, the new law allows it as part of a "workplace wellness" program.

We're from the government and we're here to help you.

Hey, didn't they just announce a replacement for Obamacare? Any doubt you'll still get screwed? The cardinal rule for figuring out why things happen is Who Benefits?  It sure as hell isn't We the People. This is somewhat confusing as the president promised a repeal of Obamacare and a better replacement. From what I can tell, neither occurred. 

• Rescue workers in Napa, California, had to remove part of a wall to pull a naked man out of a sandwich shop, where he spent the night inside a narrow passageway. Oh c'mon - who among us hasn't spend a night naked, trapped in a sandwich shop?

A buttload [technical term] of Twitter accounts were hijacked yesterday to send nasty Nazi slogans, primarily to Turkey. Twitter was not hacked - it was a third party service that people attached to their Twitter accounts. The next time you give a program access to one of your accounts or sign in with Faceyspaces or LinkedIn, remember this. Use only the login for that page-do not link to a different service.

• An obviously well-meaning father forced his daughter to have sex with men at a truck stop. You can tell he was well-meaning because this was her punishment for having sex. She'll obviously never do one of those things again...

A while back, videos started to appear featuring cats having wild reactions to cucumbers. No, really. Watch this video, preferably with the sound down, and be prepared to howl with laughter. Experts claim the response is due to their fear of snakes. This kills me, even as an animal lover and owner of two former cats.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

*When I say I still wouldn't drive, I mean because the streets are really slick and not cleared well. There's another reason....

My wife was looking at the aftermath and started to scream. Somebody was shoveling snow onto our car.  She started vibrating while screaming, then bouncing up and down between the floor and ceiling. 

I'm conflict-averse so I generally don't get involved but I stood at the window and watched this debacle. All of my conflict avoidance went out the (closed) window and I wandered up the street. 'Neighbors' were taking snow out of their private driveway and piling it in front of and in back of my car. I politely asked who was going to plow my car out. She didn't know. I suggested, politely, that she do it, as she boxed it in. She impolitely said I should do it myself - they needed to clear their drive. And if I didn't want my car snowed in, I should park in a local lot. My car, on a public street. My fault because I parked it there. Unbelievable. This occurs in bad areas of the city, not here. I told them I'd put the snow back in their driveway for them, which they encouraged.

I fully understand that one cannot kill one's neighbors, even if there's no real chance of getting caught. I do not want to call the police, as this is really petty (but will affect my back when I have to fix it). If I give them their snow back, the police will arrive. If I give them yellow snow, with little brown doggie dots, the police will eventually arrive. If their house developed smoke, the firemen will arrive, with the police a bit behind them. This is new. This is rude. And it will go on, as these people seem to believe that public accommodations exist purely for them. You'd think they owned a BMW.

The Unemployment Follies (#6) - Lefty's Flying CIrcus

Yes, it's another installment of the Unemployment Follies, starring the leftystrat household; the wives, the pets and me.  Judging by the title, you know I'm still without serious employment (or even non-serious employment).

SINKING?

How are things, you ask?
Things are, by and large, still things, only shrunk down by fifty percent. It getting time to call some creditors.  Do you think I can explain to them that since my income dropped by fifty percent, my payments will drop accordingly?

Perception is everything, though.
To anybody looking in, I must look like I'm on some pretty heavy drugs. I spend every day looking for jobs for a few hours, then do some housework (while my wife holds me at gunpoint).  But I'm surprisingly calm.

Of course, I'm probably the only one who's calm. The wife is absolutely Not Impressed with my state of Not Working.  She (et.al.) is in a state of PTSD-induced unrest.  She keeps me on the straight and narrow, memorizing my phone and in-person interviews and asking me if they're still happening.  While the dog is still loving having me home, the wife is definitely not.  Since I have been home, she has taken up a new hobby: laundry.  Nobody knows why but a girl has to have her recreation time.  I tired telling her that it's not necessary to wash clothes every day but there's no dissuading her.  I was kinda hoping she would take up nymphomania but things don't always work out the way one would like.

The neighbor who asked if the house will be going up for sheriff's sale has been really nice, bringing over stuff from the garden.  The other neighbor has been leaving care packages.  For some reason, they include a lot of bread.  Fortunately the dog loves bread, as if we could keep him out of it.  My mom just made us dinner.  We're not destitute by any means but I feel rich in friends and family (ok, and slightly embarrassed).  I even took down the NOT STARVING sign on the house.

AUTO-MOBILE

I'm not exactly certain which neighbors know what but the reactions are priceless. The lady across the street came over to congratulate my wife on the new car.  My wife had to tell her it was a rental.  The good neighbor took one look at the rental car and said, "Oh dear... not again!"  Several other neighbors no doubt think we own a car lot (or are drug dealers).

I have come up with a solution for our next car.  The first part is to NOT LET HER DRIVE.  The other part is to purchase the car and three entire sets of bodies (to be stored at the body shop).  This way, when people hit us (and they WILL hit us), all we have to do is drop the car at the shop and have them replace the body part(s) from our existing inventory.  We won't even have to call the insurance company (at least until we're through the three entire sets of bodies).

Speaking of accidents, my dear wife finally realized that she has a sprained knee and opposite ankle.  This is somewhat compounded by both of her feet swelling like clown feet.  The neighborhood children want to use them for pool floats.  In fact, she's sitting next to me as I type this, blissfully unaware of the content.  Swelling feet are going to look minor in comparison with what she's going to do to me.

Speaking of doing things to me, I have to do my part to help by wrapping ace bandages around her ankles.  Here we are, with this perfect deviant sexual aid, and we're using it for health reasons. Again, I am embarrassed.


WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?

So when I'm not job-hunting, doing housework at gunpoint or wrapping my wife's ankles for health reasons, there is always TV.  I prefer internet tv, as there's almost always something I want to watch. My wife, on the other hand, lives on broadcast tv. You know, old style, plug in the rabbit ears, horrible reception television.  What makes this really horrible is that she likes to watch ancient black and white movies (from just after they added sound) and really old, horrible sitcoms from before we were born. Leave it to Beaver, anyone?

The absolute worst time of the day is during the day, when all the court shows are on. Judge Lynn, Judge Stanislaus, and the most repugnant (and famous) show of all, Judge Judy.  I am convinced that we can eliminate the national debt by selling tickets to have a whack at Judge Judy with a two-by-four (with a railroad spike in it).  There's Divorce Count, People's Court and Banana Nut Bread Court. After being an involuntary spectator in all of these courtrooms, I figure there's really only one court we need: Grammar Court.  Have you heard how these people speak?

With any tv, you get the absolute best part - commercials.  There is a current commercial for a digital tv antenna that boasts tremendous reception and no cable costs.  For those of us with a functional brain, this is a rabbit-ears equivalent that's being sold as a small miracle.

I also discovered that with a certain cable service, one can DVR up to fifteen programs at once.  This is stunning news, that must be reported at once to either Guiness World Records or your local exterminator.  The first thing that occurs to me is why you need to record up to fifteen programs at once when you can barely find one program that's even halfway decent at any time.

Then there's the sue Sue SUE attorney ads.  No matter what the ailment, they can get you MONEY. And they can do it NOW!  Their close cousins are the drug ads.  If you have suffered from a sore groin, hypertension or death, please call 1-800-SUE-YOU2.

Huh? If you have suffered from death, please call?  Dunno about you, but I'd love to be there to watch that phone call.

Today we got an extremely rare treat.. we got to watch CHIPS on the Antedeluvian Channel.  I never saw the show when it came out but I was aware of it and the fact that it was a joke.  Today I found out precisely why it was a joke.  Absolutely the worst acting, writing and shooting job I have ever seen.  You know things are bad when you find yourself longing for the clarity, wit, and fashion sense of The Fresh Prince of BelAir.

We watched stuff like that?
CHIPS was bloody huge in its day (tell them, Eric).

Also amusing were the wacky antics of the police in ADAM-12.  This museum-view of the police took place when people used dial phones and before police started randomly beating people, shooting dogs, and breaking into apartments, shooting babies, then discovering they had the wrong house.  They used antiquated phrases like 'Yes Sir', 'Yes Ma'am' and 'You get it, Pete.'  There was something odd about police in California arresting lowlifes with southern accents.


THE JOB

So how goes the job hunt?
Apparently pretty poorly, judging from the title of this post.  I hope I'm still going to be amusing when I get a new job.

Since I last wrote, I've been approached for jobs in Arkansas, New York, New Jersey and possibly Saudi Arabia (relocation costs covered!).  When travel time is over an hour, the job stops being local.

I'm told this is the time for information security people.  You'd think that the recent breaches at Target, Home Depot and (horrors!) Dairy Queen would indicate the need for security professionals.  One recruiter told me all the security people are employed (except for this one, obviously).

But I'm online, on phone and on the toilet a lot.  Things are opening up (so to speak).  I'm even in a pilot program from the state to help the unemployed find jobs.  The last time I went to the pilot program, the doors were all locked.  I suspect the pilot crashed.  It does make me wonder why I was specially chosen.  Is it because I'm the first ex-Jew they have ever seen?  Maybe it's because my dog is black.

The Unemployment Follies (#2)

So, as you might have guessed, I remain without job.  I could go ahead and suggest that I'm only doing this to provide my readers with more of what they expect from this blog (whatever that is) but I'll cop to simply continuing to be without employment (temporarily).  Ok, it's only been two weeks or so but I'm an impatient little (&$#er.

As I mentioned, Unemployment Compensation comes in at roughly half of what I was making, resulting in a few small changes.  The lavish parties, complete with drugs and loose women, have had to stop. Now it's just allergy meds and the wife.  No more buying stuff because it's on sale. I know Guitar Center is having a sale too and I can get a bigger discount if I buy two guitars.  Something tells me this logic isn't going to fly with the Shoe Buying Person.


QUANTUM COCKERS

We've even had to cut down on the amount of cat food the dog gets. This is what really hurt.

The last time I left the house, I came back to discover that the dog hadn't eaten or drank anything. We started to wonder if he was like Schroedinger's Dog, wherein he stopped existing when we weren't there to observe him.  We devised all sorts of clever scientific tests to answer the question but in the end, we couldn't come up with anything that would prove the case once and for all.

Not to worry.  Marshall, as usual, came to our rescue.  When we got home, this is what we found:

He had gotten into the recyclables, spreading them out nicely across the floor.  There's our PROOF that he still exists when we're not there to observe him.  BUT WAIT!!!  He not only spread the recyclables out, he bloody sorted them.  Most of what you see is soda cans.  He separated the soda cans (in the kitchen) from the cat food cans (in the dining room).  Each cat food can was lovingly placed in the next room and licked clean of any miniscule bits of cat food that might remain after rinsing them out.

I think we should get him a job in recycling and he can support us for once.


MORE JOB STUFF

So there has been another great rush of recruiter contacts this past week.  More jobs in Ohio, Wisconsin and across the state from me.  One genius saw my resume and wanted to know if I wanted a job in the exciting field of insurance sales.  I put my own resume together and can assure you that the words insurance and sales do not appear ONCE.  Are they truly that desperate?  Do they get paid for each email sent out?

Some of the Job Nonsense is caused by 'someone' putting out the wrong or incomplete job description. I applied for a network security job that turned out to be helpdesk; installing and supporting programs and being on call to answer users' questions and running the phones.  Ummmmm... no.  I didn't work my butt off in security so I could get a job placating end users who can't grok rebooting their machines, as well as making sure they're plugged in (no offense to the great and tolerant people who do this).

The next job someone sent me wasn't for security at all; it was for a high level engineering job.  Also no.  I would hate to repeat what someone told me once about recruiters: some of these folks can't get a job selling used cars (not all of them, of course).

Many have asked me about consulting.  Well, since I hit the FULL TIME button on all the applications, I dare you to take a stab at my answer.

Perhaps I should consider that insurance sales gig after all.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure I could make it to a job interview anyway.  As I was driving down the street, two out of three lanes had been blocked off by those nice men in their day-glo green t-shirts.  It seems that the local authorities released some cash for a Neighborhood Improvement Project.  Since our area didn't get hit as badly this winter with potholes, the local government decided to heed the loud cry of the area for parity and take some time to install potholes and a few new trenches in the road.  I don't know about you but I feel better about the hood now.

I will also have to allow a lot more time to get to an interview due to my unique ability to make any traffic light turn red, simply by approaching it.  My wife looked at me in great surprise at a light, informing me that she always makes this light (except when I'm in the car).  As if that weren't enough, when I hit the aforementioned hole-installing project, the guy holding the SLOW sign immediately turned it around to STOP.  Some people would see this as a curse.  Thus far I'm choosing to see it as amusing (or not see it at all).


NEIGHBORS

My dear neighbor (the good one) wanted to know if the house was going up for sheriff's sale (bless his pointy little head).

My other dear neighbor (the 437 year old crazy demon from Uranus) bitched my wife out because some trees were hanging over the fence and all she ever does is sit on the steps and smoke cigarettes and why doesn't she ever clean anything.. yet shooting a neighbor is still illegal.  It's a good thing the Crazy Lady is terrified of me... I'd unleash a verbal barrage that would blast her back into her cave before I even noticed what was coming out of my mouth.  It would fail, though, as everything else has, because she's crazy AND mostly deaf.

I finally realized what the best (legal) revenge is: keep the place in disarray.  She has nothing better to do than look at our property and seethe because it's not up to her standards.  So I'll make sure to keep it that way, while still adhering to the letter of the law.