OMG, I Can't Even, Fam

Language is weird.
Stuff sometimes crosses from social media to the real world.
It's really sad for people who rarely venture into social media, and people who do venture into social media. In fact, it's sad for everybody.

I'm sitting there, minding my own business, as I tend to do a lot, when I hear "O. M. G. I can't believe it."

Excuse me?

O. M. G. I can't believe it.

You don't say OMG in real life. You say Oh My God. OMG is a shortener so you can fit more words in a text. And because many people can't spell Oh My God.

Nu-uh.

[I strap myself in, sensing this is going to be a long chat]
I'm just trying to help. If you say OMG outside the house, people will think you're....  a little slow.

Nu-uh.

[This is going to be worse than I thought.]
Have you been on social media recently?

No.

Then where are you getting this stuff?

Nowhere. I'm not tellin.

It's daytime tv, isn't it?

I'm not telling.

It's that 6' tall black woman, with the size FFF implants, who looks like Frankenstein, right?

Don't pick on Wendy - she's hip.

She must be - she says OMG.

Hey - she have the down-low on the high-ups. She dishes. OMG - did you see her yesterday?

No, I was having elective dental surgery. I don't care what she says. The show is a close competitor to TMZ for worst show on tv, 1954-present.

What EVER.

Are you auditioning for a Disney sitcom?

No. You're a hater.

That's old news, Bae.

Well, yesterday on the show, she said, right after she said OMG, that...

I don't really want to know what she said, and I'm working on something right now, so could you please give me a few minutes?

Well, she said OMG, Fam, you need to see this picture of....

Excuse me. EXCUSE me. EXCUSE ME.

What?

I asked you very nicely for just a few minutes.

I was just sayin'..

Yes, of course you were just sayin'  - you won't stop just sayin'

But I was just sayin'

[Writing this phrase down as a probable issue]
Can I please just have a few minutes of silence, while I finish this proposal for world peace? It's kind of important.

Whatevs.

[Dear Lord, from the top of this bit til now, they updated it. This will not end well.]


-->a few minutes of silence later <---


Thank you - Kissinger and the trilaterals want that by midnight.
Did you hear what Wendy said today?

No.

She said she's not going to say OMG anymore, cuz that's so last week.

Shut up.

No, I saw her.

Nu-uh. Stop spreading lies.

They showed the clip of it on TMZ.

You trippin.

Nope. Just sayin...


Announcer: Tune in next week, when our darling precocious child keeps trying to explain what 'fly' means, to an adult who keeps telling her it's what you do on a plane.

• Rosario Dawson came out as LGBT+ in a new interview.
• Does this mean she's all of them or just one?
• How will this affect Cory Booker?
• Does this make her hotter or notter?

I have this strange admiration for Jimmy Carter. Not as a president - as a human being. As a wish, 10 year old cancer survivor Jimmy Carter (yes) got to meet the more senior and more former presidential Jimmy Carter. They both had cancer, they both have the same name, and younger Carter was co-president of his school. Senior Carter is a gentleman who walks the walk, teaching Sunday School.

“The secret of freedom lies in educating people, whereas the secret of tyranny is in keeping them ignorant.”   - Maximilien Robespierre

I pick on SJWs, as I should.
Now I'm asking you to read this story about sexual harassment.
It isn't from some crazed feminist harpie; it's from a coder, recently employed at Uber. This poor lady got it from all angles, from college all the way to Uber. When she looked for help, none was forthcoming. When she finally blew the whistle on the widespread misdeeds at Uber, you can guess what happened. As with government whistleblowers, she suffered greatly.

I was getting ready to do an Uber rant, but the article said it better: "..the contempt with which the employees were treated mirrored the contempt with which the customers were treated" (mine would have mentioned rape and killing).

• If you need a laugh, just remember; Disney owns the domain name “Muppet F**ker”

Question on college:

Daughter #1 receives nice letter from Yale saying to apply. Includes cost calculator. Cost for her is $306,000. 

If she invests 306k and surfs for 30 years she ends up with 2.5 million (age 48) 5 mill at 56 and easy 10mil at 65.  Why would she pick Yale?

One blind, aquatic salamander may have sat mostly still for seven years

-continues to represent Pennsylvania in Congress.

• One of the reasons I predict Nothing Good from the Internet of Things was illustrated the other day, when a 'connected' car in California couldn't reach its server and would not start. Would. Not. Start. Every other car in the multiverse starts with a key. IoT cars require phoning home before they start. This has also happened with kitchen appliances. Now add the lack of security and you start to see what's going to happen. It's a very slow motion train wreck.

Crown Royal has done a great job, branding itself as a special, high-end whiskey (wheskey if you're a Scot). You even get that boffo blue velvet bag-like thing. I remember when I was tiny, I made a Crown Royal for my grandfather, when he got home from work. I remember it being horribly strong and bad-smelling. I'm sure nothing has changed. The marketing is more effective than you think, making people question themselves: Gee, I must be crazy for not loving this liquid that takes the coating off my esophagus. Smoooooth.  Or beer. When I was a teen, friends said to keep drinking - I'd develop a taste for beer. Well, it's been 30 years and I still haven't developed a taste for beer. Or dirt.

Today I identify as  spam

We have a good relationship with one neighbor (not the 439 year old one).

She's such a sweet older lady. She was Marshall's buddy - they used to hang out together when she was planting. When she moved to a different spot, Marshall moved with her. They'd chat (or at least one of them would). Mrs lefty found out they like cupcakes, so she bought a package of 6. On the way home, it inverted, gracing the lid with bunches of icing. A day later, I went to the store and procured replacement cupcakes. These inverted on the way out of the car, but lost considerably less icing. No matter, they can't go to anyone like that. Yesterday another 6 cupcakes appeared. This morning there were 5. One of the kids required one emergently, at 3am and no one told her these were for the neighbor. We'd get them a cake, but we can't deal with the mess when it inverts.



SJW Snorkeling

Homophobic, sexist and racist patients could be barred from non-emergency care at NHS trusts, under new rules from April

The Quick Brown Fox Gets Run Over Early

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All I Want for Christmas is Headache Relief

Mariah Carey is turning her song "All I Want for Christmas is You" into an animated movie with herself narrating. Because the world is crying out for it.  I know this because the local Fox morning show brought in yet another Yak Show Special Guest to tell us all about it.

Speaking of Hard Hitting News, Fox just aired their third segment on Flashy Nails with Sparkly Bits. This segment features a teaser, followed by two experts from a local nail salon applying these scandalous fake nails to the reporter's short and mangled nails. This is a breaking story that no doubt will involve international Special Reports every thirty minutes, with other networks gearing up their own coverage. When the story is beaten to death, which some will argue has already transpired, Mariah Carey will reportedly do a movie about it, with herself narrating.

• are you ready for the latest Big Controversy? A white man has been accused of Cultural Appropriation for painting a picture of a black man. I never studied sociology but this means something (aside from reaching Peak Stupidity).

A great feature of cell phones is the ability to install software and change things. For example, the standard Android keyboard and I do not get along. I installed a different one (after wading through hundreds of them, primarily concerned with emojis), with which I got on a little better. Here is where I start to blaspheme: I have a really good relationship with the keyboard on my work iDevice. While the thunder dies away, I have no idea why this is. It has tiny little keys, while I keep going larger with the Android keyboards.

Just for fun, I searched for an iDevice keyboard for Android. I installed the most popular one, which immediately started phoning home to China (I use No-Root Firewall, which tells me these things). This is what will happen to you if you install crappy software. Clue#1: subtle to hilarious English mistakes in the description. Check the privacy policy and whatever else is listed at the bottom of the software description. Also check reviews, making sure to look for English mistakes or obvious shills. Stick with popular software companies.

• In news guaranteed to amuse, The Turkish Hacking Family group claims to have access to over 300 million iCloud accounts and is threatening to remotely wipe this data unless Apple pays a ransom ($75,000 in crypto currency or $200,000 in iTunes gift cards). The deadline is April 7. Whether or not this threat is real, Apple is advising everyone to change their iCloud password and enable two-step authentication. This may or may not be the same group that is involved in The Fappening 2.0, exposing pictures of celebrities.

A Utah man was killed and his wife injured in the London Islamist terror attack. This won't go over well with the Brits but maybe it's time to arm... the police and other authorities aren't providing much cover here and ultimately it's up to a person to defend himself and his family. Something to think about..

I owe a heartfelt apology to the Swiss, who I accused of the London attack. Turns out it was a Muslim.

• I am a big fan of Android Forums. Lots of information and assistance for any android device. They just got hacked and a very small percentage of accounts lost a few bits of information - one report said it was forty. Guess who's one of the forty? Yup.

On the Stupid News File, after the obnoxious outside host kissed a camel, they ran a promo for a wedding dress show. One look at the lady in the dress said man. Yup, she's a transexual. Marrying another transexual. Hey, do what makes you happy, but the math here is staggering.  He has a full beard, meanwhile I can't grow hair on the top of my head.

• Just the other day, the Senate voted 50(R) to 48(D) to allow ISPs to sell your personal data. This is the headline but it's caught up in a different topic, namely letting regulations apply to all entities equally. Regardless, it's just your privacy. Early word is that the best way to prevent this is to use a VPN. Here's some info on how your information is collected.

If you're traveling from certain Muslim countries to the US/UK, you'll need to stow your laptop. In Serious Anti-Terrorism News, the US/UK have decided that you cannot use or carry your laptop to the US from certain countries. Authorities claim that this measure is not based on any intelligence. Well, it sure seems like a stupid measure to implement otherwise. And let's face it - it's going to be a problem regardless of where it goes boom. Security Theater.

• Two weeks after Failed Snowmageddon 2017, nobody has piled additional snow on my car. For this I am grateful. No local authorities have been involved but we have called in Cthulu to make a small statement to the (allegedly) adult miscreant neighbors.

Someone discovered a dishwasher with a web server. A web server. When it breaks or gets hacked (which it will), you have to get web server updates from a dishwasher company. What could possibly go wrong?  To be fair, this is an industrial machine for hospitals, which are fast becoming a rich target for hackers. This will not end well.

Antivirus company F-Secure released this list of most-used login/password combinations used to hack their honeypot (decoy for the purposes of collecting information) machines. Please don't use these.

• Good article on hack-proofing your smart phone. If you're lazy, you won't like this.

I'm in the middle of intensive training for this event!

Signs Signs Electrical Signs

Don't try this at home, kids; it's illegal (and very funny)

• The latest Internet of Things (IoT) problem: poorly designed and unsecured devices can turn your android phone into a tracker. A large problem was fixed on Belkin devices, which could hack your phone via their app that runs on the phone. Food for thought.

When I first saw the browser plugin Web of Trust, I installed it. It checks the trust level of a website and alerts you to how safe it is. There was something I didn't like in the terms and I uninstalled it. It was discovered to be harvesting browsing histories and selling them to advertising agencies. WOT claims the data is anonymised but investigators were able to identify fifty people from the data. If you're using WOT, I suggest uninstalling it.

• The election is over. People are mad. People are happy. Some snark seeping in. We should go counter to my my normal inclination and look on the bright side: no election commercials!

It has taken me years upon years to finally figure this out: do not put things up against other things, unless you want the dog to rearrange the things. I don't know if he fancies himself an inferior decorator or just likes moving stuff, or thinks he's a cat. Nothing is safe. This has been a public service announcement.

• One thing I've discovered around the election: people in other countries are heavily involved, and opinionated. The sad part is that some of them are much better-educated on the facts than Americans. Two of the biggest commentators I've come across are from the UK - they discuss like it's their election.

In case you haven't gotten your fill of buzzwords today, about ten percent of The Cloud is already infected and waiting for you. This includes Amazon and Google.

• I hope you're enjoying all the protesting and people shouting "He's not our president." Meh - let them protest - it's their right (right up until they damage stuff). One will remember that when Obama was elected (twice), there were no protest or riots or "not my presidents".
• Speaking of Obama, how about that Hope and Change? Twice.

Another very significant event in this election was the complete and utter failure of the media and their predictions. A while back someone told me to ignore the media and they were beyond correct. Mainstream media is controlled by six corporate entities. This is not a conspiracy theory - look it up. I strongly urge you to either ignore the MSM or at least balance it with some reliable internet news sources.

• California wants to secede from the United States. I say let them. Let's build a wall to keep them out.

In Poland, the army will teach women hand-to-hand combat for free. Just as soon as the navy rectifies the problems with the screen doors in their submarines. Wow, that was incredibly sophomoric, which is why you come here.

• Welcome to ThermionicEmissions, where my own family does not dare come. Ok, except my wife, but it's her duty to humor me.

Please enjoy THE voice, Ronnie James Dio (RIP)

Oh The Outrage

Gone viral is the story of a Philadelphia-ish area woman with an autistic child who was asked to leave Friendlys (an ice cream chain). The child was screaming and crying loudly. The mother, who is pushing this as a Huge Story, freely admits that the child is 'a bit of a brat' and 'loud'.

Rather than taking the child for a walk, she was 'afraid' to leave her other child at the table. Rather than simply taking the child out of the restaurant, like one would with any screaming child. The mother states this is 'intolerant', although she does not like the word tolerant. Just for fun, the show asked the child's older brother (approximately 10) what he thought of it, who referred to hate and anger. This poor child will always be secondary to his brother. The autistic child ran around and screamed in the studio.

In a statement, Friendlies states that they are "Confident that dialog is taking place."

C'mon, Mom.. you freely admit everything about your son that states he should have left the restaurant. Stop milking this, crying autism. A letter from another parent with autistic children states that she will leave an establishment when her child/children act out. Mom poo-pooed it.

• NYPD is planning to switch to Windows 10 Mobile. This is what we call a Dunderhead Move. Not because I hate Windows (well, not entirely) but because the platform is almost dead. Plus they must love pain. NYPD is already using Win 10 on their mobile phones, with the plan being to 'upgrade' them to Win 10 mobile. The reasoning is the security of the platform(!) and the mobile device management capabilities (which every other platform has too). Not only is this a stupid move, it's apparent that someone in the NYPD is either getting a kickback or is just incredibly friendly with a vendor. This isn't the first time this has happened.. many cities have selected statewide radio systems for police and fire that have been borderline useless. These people know nothing and rely on salespeople, who we know always tell the truth.

I prefer to let anatomy (especially blood) remain where it is, secure in the knowledge that it's doing what it's supposed to do, or at very least, I don't need to be looking there and passing out (possibly dying a rock star's death by choking on my own vomit). The other night we were catching up on Bones episodes. I remember them as intelligent and well-written, with funny and relatable characters and not a ridiculous amount of gore.  Apparently the focus changed while we weren't watching it. There were all sorts of hideous sights.. I can't and won't try to describe them, as I spent a good portion of the episodes looking at my computer instead of the tv. One particular delicacy involved a mostly eaten body with a carnivorous fish embedded inside what was left of it. Even the wife, a nurse, thought it was pretty gross. So Bones has changed a bit.

In addition to those bodily functions, there's one that of which I was never aware: the switch in my ass. Before your mind wanders too far, there's a switch in my butt that activates the dog whenever I sit. It lets him know it's a great time to do something that involves notifying me in an urgent manner and tone. This can be one of three things: I need food, I need to go outside, or I need water. He never asks for two at the same time, preferring to nudge me for them individually when the switch activates. As parents of bipeds, I suspect you know of this switch. Thus concludes your hidden anatomy lesson for the day (hopefully the year).

• Over 50 parents in England were furious when their children were left stranded on a bus because their Muslim driver stopped on a main road and knelt down to pray. I'm thinking that if your religion is going to interfere with doing your job that much, perhaps you need a different job. Imagine if other religions practiced during their work time...
• Islamists would park the bus across traffic, hoping cars and trucks would kill the kids
• Christians would sacrifice the children to God, while the Catholics would make them feel guilty for it
• Jews would take the kids out for a nice corned beef special, requesting the early-bird and group discounts
• Buddhists would have the children visualize going to school
• Atheist drivers would insist there are no schools and drop the kids back home

Friend to all, the IRS paid $12 million for Microsoft software it doesn't use. Not that anyone should use Microsoft software, but this is yet another example of government waste. But let's keep it between us, or else The Audits Will Begin.

• In today's Internet of Things update, Philips has pushed a firmware update that "accidentally" caused all 3rd party bulbs to stop working. In Plain English, the Philips bulbs are internet-connected. Philips sent/forced an update that makes other connected bulbs stop working. Not only will your house get hacked from outside, your appliances will fight each other for dominance. The fridge will not only refuse to tell you what's inside, it will keep trying to stop the oven from working. The oven, in retaliation, will send the fridge's password to anyone who asks, resulting in it divulging its contents and people ordering food that can't fit into it. Your heater will experience sibling rivalry with the air conditioner, causing hourly changes in house temperature, similar to changes in season. Your sleep (and sex life) will be completely ruined by hackers inflating and deflating your sleep number mattress while you're in bed.

The internet and the local Fox morning show have been awash with multiple segments about Beyonce's bleeding ear. One report had fans ripping out their own earrings. Still no word about her fans' eardrums.

• According to a Men's Health magazine poll on Faceyspaces, which might explain it, half of men shave or trim their leg hair. I find this almost as perplexing as this election.

As we can all agree, this election has been a Class A Shitshow. A dumpster fire extraordinaire. The Dirty Tricks Squad<tm> has been out in force. To give you an idea of what's been happening behind the scenes, check out this video on the Clinton campaign's Agitator Program<tm>.  Be certain that this happens on both sides of the alleged aisle. And it's only going to get dirtier from here.

• In Germany, a man turned himself in to the police, admitting that he put his baby up for sale on Ebay, but it was a joke. Apparently one cannot sell a baby on Ebay - who knew? Oh yeah, the police are only referring to the family as 'refugees'.

PornHub wants everyone to know that after the scary clown sightings, searches for clown porn went through the roof. This has been a public service announcement.

• After having won the Nobel Prize for Literature, the committee cannot reach Bob to work out details. This may be the coolest thing to happen since John Lennon returned his MBE to the Queen.

I'm not sure but it's possible Samsung has declared war on China. It seems Samsung did not include China in its initial recall of its fire-prone devices.

• Chinese media says emojis should be regulated. I agree but think they should be terminated with extreme prejudice

At a recent Amy Schumer appearance, some audience members walked out over her Trump-bashing. While I believe no one should have Amy inflicted upon them, they did pay for the tickets. Would you walk out on a comic for something like this?

• Lest we think my technical criticisms of the presidential candidates is one-sided, it has been discovered that Trump's organization is using the Windows Server 2003 operating system. Again, my love for Windows aside, Microsoft discontinued support for Server 2003 last year. This is inexcusable.
• Speaking of which, my digestion has been interrupted by news that Hillary considered Bill or Melinda Gates as VP candidates. The Official Campaign Move would be Kill Bill. Bill Clinton reported to be nervous. Truly the Axis if Evil.

Why Are There Lemon Bars?

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.


In a recent survey, 88% of adults said that they have sexted with someone -- 82% in the last year. So prove the psychologists right and get busy with those phones. Sext someone today. Your SO, your mistress, your relatives, random strangers...

• A Microsoft study finds technology hurting attention spans. Walrus!

Here's a Sad and Funny: Imagine if everything were priced like cable service.

• The Army wants you to watch more tv! No, really... the freedom of our nation depends on it. Read about how the crap that passes for entertainment fits in with the Army's plan... specifically mentioned was Americans Idle.... I told you so.

On the one year anniversary of the Ferguson riots, fifty people looted a beauty store, after an otherwise peaceful day. The residents are apparently upset because the police are infringing on their right to riot.

• Who woulda seen this one coming? London's gay establishments are closing due to tolerance. It's almost no fun being gay anymore.

China has been reading the emails of many top US officials. Not their secure government emails... their Gmail and other provider emails. Why are government officials using Gmail? Why did Hillary have her own server for official government businesss?

• Bob Guccione Jr has declared that today's music is no good. Stars are more interested in their social media strategy than their music.  Are you serious Bob?  Did you just come to this momentous conclusion?

Ready for the Internet of Things (IOT)? Already there's a drone that can map and hack it. Watch out what you're plugging in at your home.

• Greece has reached a deal for third bailout. What could possibly go wrong?

Hillary Clinton says all work-related emails from her private server were provided. She went on to emphasize that Bill did not have sex with that woman.

• The EPA has apologized for saying that it was cleaning up abandoned mines in Colorado. What they meant to say was that it dumped a million gallons of toxic chemicals in to the Animas River in Colorado, causing the water to turn a bright yellow.. In other news, the EPA has apologized for saying that a million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. What they meant to say was three million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. Fox reporter Megyn Kelly has blamed the spill on Donald Trump. UPDATE: the EPA says it was 'very careful' (when spilling three million gallons of toxic chemicals into the Animas River in Colorado).

In North Carolina, a man in a clown costume swung an axe at a woman. The woman was not hurt, recognized the man and swore out an arrest warrant. What has this country come to when a man can't dress as a clown and swing an axe at a woman? Isn't this why Ben Franklin fought the Germans? 

• President Obama issued an executive order calling for a massive boost in the power of supercomputers. The president also called for repeal of gravity and quantum adult novelties.

In a banner day for politics, California Governor Jerry Brown (ex-Linda Ronstadt) signed a law banning the word alien from the state's labor laws. Also banned were the words elephant, dingleberries and sanity.

• Astronauts declare the first space-grown salad awesome. California Governor Jerry Brown immediately signed a law banning space lettuce from the state, saying it disenfranchised undocumented lettuce-pickers.

Three people were hurt when pranksters entered a theater in Newport Beach, brandishing a leaf blower. A common thread in these attacks is theaters. California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a law banning theaters from the state. The governor refused to comment on leaf blower legislation at this point.

• Meghan Trainor (All About that Bass) has cancelled the rest of her tour due to 'ongoing problems with her vocal cords'. In other words, even Meghan realized there is nothing there.

Why yes, there is a machine that turns poo into water. Watch our presidential race flow (further) down the drain!

• Think you live in a funny place? Try Licking, Ohio.

Padi the labrador's fate is in the hands of a judge. He is accused of biting a 4 year old child. The child chased the dog and threw things at him. The only fair solution is to put the child down.

• Marijuana farms have been engulfed by the fires in California, releasing smoke in the area (causing a marked increase in the number of flights over the farms).

A woman used her Fitbit (heartbeat measuring device) during sex and posted the results online. The Fitbit “started after foreplay, so the preceding 20 minutes are untracked,” (she bragged).

DR WHO?

I'm going to take a left hand turn, being a left-handed kinda guy. Most of the musical treats here will be guitar players. Today is a rare piano player, although he does technically play guitar (rarely). I give you Mac Rebbenack, aka Dr. John. Dr. John has been around forever and is a fixture everywhere, no less in his Louisiana neighborhood. I saw him open for Little Feat, which was my pleasure.

One of my favorite Dr. John tunes is Iko Iko. This song tells the story of the collision of two tribes of Mardi Gras Indians. The words are flat out impossible to understand or write out, without visual aids and copious amounts of New Orleans Hurricanes (the drink that's just to the right of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster). 

Iko. Iko. Iko Iko unday. 

Jockamo feeno ah na nay

Jockamo fee nah nay.

I strongly suspect it means I've fallen and I can't get up.  Another translation is Respected gentleman, your mother is a garbage truck.

The next tune came up on my player's rotation. In a Sentimental Mood caught me completely by surprise. Completely free of guitars, I was not prepared to like this song so much but it leaped out and hit me over the head, gently.  Lastly, you know this song. If you don't, you're either ten years old (and shouldn't be reading this blog) or you missed it while you were at the Miley Cyrus concert. I used to sing this song with my not-so-talented cover band. Listen to the tasty guitar solo... (I had to get one in there).