I'm on the Zero G Network

 

Your love is like   old open canned tuna

Yes, the Zero G Network: just like the 5G network, but with 5 less Gs.

Today I identify as  my dog

Pfizer today announced 'many Omicron variants' are really 'sneaky' and are ganging up to hit this winter. They suggest a very long and expensive course of vaccines.

President Biden heard the plight of Nicolas Cruz, the Parkland shooter. His attorney fees are in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. The president gave him a few million to make sure the poor lawyers wouldn't suffer while Cruz was languishing in prison forever. The president stated that suffering lawyers are bad for the entire legal system and we can't have that sort of thing going on in these United States.

Meanwhile, VP Kamila Harris vowed that Biden's few million dollars would go to black attorneys first. After the Secret Service tackled her (again), it was announced that the money would go to everyone equally, even if they couldn't find any black or minority lawyers in the crowd. UC Berkeley was incensed, voting to take off the rest of the week, and burning down a few of their own buildings. Firemen stated there were no Jews in the building when it was burned. UCB grumbled.

Speaking of the Parkland trial, I have never seen such vehemence after a verdict came back. Cruz got life in prison. The entire observing area wanted death. Now, if possible. It was stunning.

My mom used to tell me she didn't understand people wearing jackets and shorts. She made a very good point. I countered with hip guys wearing wool hats in the summer. 

Sign at Jiffy Lube: Gluten-free oil - get it now before it's gone

As I have mentioned here, a man I truly respect is Ben Franklin. The intelligence, the wit, the playing around on 2 continents (ssssshhhhhhhh). As if his actions weren't enough, he left a ton of wise sayings. I want to leave wise sayings as part of my legacy. Let's see how I'm doing, vs Ben...

“He that lies down with Dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”

My dog has an air mattress. Mine.

“Better slip with foot than tongue.”

My feet look like Swiss cheese from shooting myself in them.

“Well done is better than well said.”

I have no filters. I lost them in a tragic accident when I was little.

“What you seem to be, be really.”

Sometimes I'm a real asshole.

“Pardoning the Bad, is injuring the Good.”

Line em up and shoot em 

“Hide not your Talents, they for Use were made. What’s a Sun-Dial in the shade!”

It's never sunny in Philadelphia 

“It is better to take many Injuries than to give one.”

Yeah, I'm goin right to hell...

Here are some more. Guess which one of us said the following:

Crackers and dip are set up on a quantum level to never be in the house at the same time. Even if you bought them at the same time. 

I don't even like sour cream, but if you mix in some French onion dip, I'll eat it with a spoon.

The great thing about being an (alleged) adult is you can have as many Yoo Hoo juice boxes as you want at a time.

If I see one more Joe Namath Medicare commercial, I will not be responsible for my actions.

I want to touch Linda Fiorentino in her bad place.

My favorite:

“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

I truly wish I didn't have to repeat it so often....

Perhaps I should leave something other than my sayings for posterity.....

Well, that was a waste.... 

The season was ending, the last hamfest was upon us. A hamfest has nothing to do with edible quantities - it's a flea market for radios and electronics. We go because.... because... well, I don't know, but we go to local ones. Perhaps I like to see electronic parts in little bins. Perhaps I feel nostalgic for Radio Shack. Perhaps because the neighbors are terrified to find out I still exist. So after a hard-earned 3 hours' sleep, off we went. 

They moved the location. I didn't expect this to be a problem, unless they moved it off-planet or worse, out of state, but I got handy dandy directions from their website.  I'm not a webmaster, but you'd think a large event would merit findable directions. But like I said, I'm not a webmaster (HEY JOHNNY: hamfest is coming - make sure to hide the directions under nonprofit status or something). I just merrily click away until I beat them at their own game.

We got pretty close to the place. I think. Ever get to one of those signs that make you feel like an idiot? The one that says "Route 37" and has a slightly turned arrow? There are 4 possible turns, none of which seem to be indicated by the sign, one of which is a 180 degree turn. So you pick the first one and go merrily down the lane, only realizing it's the wrong street when the guy with the tractor is blocking the road. There's red spots on the tractor from when he mowed down the henhouse. I don't need no map to tell me this is NOT the right way. Also, the lack of Route 37 signs was a dead giveaway. So we went back to try yet another possibility to the Great Turning Enigma. Did you know Albert Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity after coming to one of these intersections? Fortunately someone else was driving. 

After much hilarity, we finally figured out that the cleverly-placed sign meant to tell us to Keep Moving Forward, we were just merging with Route 37. Oh. The Town Council is still laughing about that sign. They put up a camera to document the hilarity. At the town Christmas party, they view the top 10 and give awards for Worst Turn, Worst Panic, and Best Argument in the Car (alone or with other occupant).

Civilization was upon us. We figured this out by the lack of tractors and the presence of businesses and actual houses. It was an exciting time, let me tell you. Right up until the houses and businesses started to disappear and the fields started to get bigger. We shook our heads and pulled into a convenient Adult World convenience store to regroup and be all modern with our electronic devices. Wife has a 50-50 relationship with her phone, in that she can sometimes get what she wants out of it. Unless I'm within 50" of the phone.  She does well with getting directions out of it. Unless I'm in the car too. My phone is of precious little help, as it's locked down for nuclear war: even Google can't tell it's a phone (sometimes I can't either). The event was at a community college. No problem - even one of OUR phones will bring up a community college. Whoops, strike that. It will bring up a community college, but not if there is more than one campus. The phone desperately wanted to give up directions to the one closest to our house, 40 miles in the opposite direction. It's a good thing we were out in the hinterlands, as it doesn't look good, arguing with your phone in public. My somewhat stilted brain remembered something from the ancient past (5 years ago); "Hey, don't we have one of those GPS thingies?"  Ah yes, my arch enemy. The case had all sorts of scratches and dents from being lobbed around the car. The box that wanted to send us into the river, rather than an address. The box that only accepted every third keypress, that wouldn't even work right with a stylus. THAT box. Garmin will rot in hell for that box. It was the singular reason I had to go on blood pressure medicine that year. The doctors have no idea how I recovered so quickly, but it coincided with finally smashing the GPS to death one day, after it suggested we fly instead.

So the new GPS came out. I was praying to the GPS gods that this one was more friendly and less 'special.'  And sure enough, it pointed to the college near the house. I didn't want to be the one to tell it that we weren't AT the house, even though any GPS that hadn't spent the weekend with Keith Richards should know this. Eventually I pursuaded it that it was NOT at home and POOF - it 'discovered' there was another branch of the college, 2.3 miles away!  Ah, the GPS gods were smiling on me. This one did not need to go airborne, like the last two or three. I made the mistake of bringing the target up, at which point it asked me if I wanted to add it to our route, add it to next year's route, or select a route involving a river. Rather than blast a hole through the non-existent sunroof, I gave it to Wife. She's the GPS Whisperer, you know. My decision was fortuitous, because within 1.5 seconds, she had erased the location and the device thought it was home again. My eyeballs were spinning like a slot machine, then looking at each other, like a bad set of breast implants. Not to be deterred, Wife said the college was 40 miles away. 3 hours' sleep. I told her I knew of 4 diners on the way home, not requiring a GPS. I put the blasted device in the window and kept trying to close the window, but alas, the window would not break the device. Garmin has a very special business model: sell black boxes with pretty displays that don't do anything. Then get people to buy the new black boxes that don't do anything. And make sure you keep them updated, but you need a Windows computer to do this (fsckers). It also turns out that, in a clever design update, you cannot damage the box by repeatedly running over it. The car just glides over it. Just wait till I get home and break out the e$plosives. 

So I figured I'd catch up on some sleep, 3 hours being insufficient, even for me. Oops, too much coffee, in an attempt to counteract 3 hours' sleep. Can't nap. Meanwhile, Wife figured she'd catch up on her shoping. DSW wasn't open, nor were her other 47 favorite shoe stores. She was so upset, she went food shopping. Or rather, tried to go food shopping. One store had a line for parking. Another hurt her back walking to the door of the place. The third was even more affected by Supply Chain Inflationary Shortages, and while you could park, you couldn't get into the place. I'm glad I stayed home and stared into space for a few hours - the guitar stores didn't open until way later. 

When everybody was seated in their spots, I suddenly realized I was hungry. I didn't think of it before, but my stomach was kind enough to let me know, via playing the theme from the Godfather. Wife's was playing counterpoint. The only problem here was she was a bit tired. How did I know? Even with her stomach playing a song, she kept falling over to the floor. We had to have the floor cushioned because of this. We used very stiff, springy material, so she'd bounce back up to her seat, never knowing anything was wrong. You should see her drive when this happens! I suggested maybe a nap was in order (I'm very clever this way), then we could have breakfast/lunch/dinner. Wife put me on a diet, only I didn't know it (she's very clever this way). She took a short nap, resting for the rest of the day. I didn't make dinner, hence didn't eat. But the joke was on her... remember those boxes of donuts? The crumbs were very good, the plain sucked (as usual), but the chocolate-drenched were my favorites. 

On my deathbed, the only regret I will have is waking up on this day.

Drug abuse is killing more children lately. It's fentanyl, which is deadly.

The Mexican cartels are sending it north and the kids, as kids do, are taking it. And sometimes dying. Schools are urged to carry Narcan (reverses the effects of opioids) and some are urging students to carry it in their backpacks. Is this the 2022 equivalent of carrying condoms? Hey Bob - you're turning blue. Can you hear me? Let me stick this up your nose - it could save your life. Things were better at Woodstock, where people were warned not to try the brown acid. It might give you a bad trip, but it wouldn't kill you.

Google search crashes when you ask "How many emojis on Apple"

This is an easy one. Don't use Google, emojis, or Apples. I'm already there.

US Army soldiers felt ill while testing Microsoft’s HoloLens-based headset

This is the same device that takes a scan of your iris when you put it on.

Why? In the case of Meta, for targeted ads.

US Officials are Discussing How to Regulate Cryptocurrencies and Stablecoins

Told you so. They were salivating to get their hands on it. Now it's not an if - it's a how to regulate.

Just $10 to create an AI chatbot of a dead loved one

Ooh, if that ain't creepy, what IS? If you thought you had grief problems before, you just wait til you hear THIS! And no, insurance will not cover it.

Fresh from being banned from Twitter for antisemitic rants, Kanye bought Parler, a free speech, conservative platform that wasn't doing so well. Now he can rant about the Jews til something smashes into Earth, destroying it completely. Unfortunately, not many will get to read his rants, before or after the planet dies. You have to wonder what else he'll say.... don't forget - not everything he says is untrue or offensive or plain stupid.

• WASPs worship Satan
• Black people may be Jews so most of em aren't worth shit anyway
• hot dogs are health food
• See - I was right about Trump
• I dumped Kim because I was tired of the spotlight (and her butt was the size of a city block, proportionally)
• the voices are mad at me for taking medicine to make them go away

UC Berkeley came out in support of Kanye, closing the campus for a week. In their press release, it said, "We're with Kanye, especially if what he says is about the Jews and Zionism. Or just the Jews... we can't tell the difference anyway." So far, the UCB has spent 2 days in the classroom this year, and that was to protest having to be in class for 2 days.

Kanye was diagnosed bipolar, which can explain some of this. Or he could just be an asshole, which would also explain this. Kanye is not one of the fun bipolars. Patty Duke Astin would jump on a plane and shop til she dropped in another city. Mrs. lefty would go shopping at 2am.

• if you use the word "hawt," I don't want to know you

The country of Kenya wishes you to know that they are not, in any way, Kanye. A press release is planned for the dyslexic.

UC Berkeley, not quite knowing what to do with this, went on strike (their default), "out of an abundance of caution".

WARNING: Although it is very difficult, especially before coffee, pay attention to your creamer. If you don't, you might get your spouse's pumpkin spice. Or coconut creme. Is this the kind of morning you want? 

Scientists and the Military Want Us to Eat Food Made From Plastic

• Bill Gates wants us to eat food made from cyanide.
• the government wants us to eat food they can tax
• Kanye wants us to eat Soylent Blue, which is made from Jews

 

Study links coronavirus lockdowns to birth rate drop in Europe

Europe - you're doing it wrong. 

Another study showed a rise in American births. 

NYC Congressional Candidate Releases and Stars in Porn Video For Some Reason

We all like original ideas, but this guy might've gone a little too far. Just a bit. Just a hair over the line. The hill upon which he has chosen to die is full of termites and hollow underneath. Although in NYC, this is but a blip on the electoral radar. He should have been filmed being nice to people on the street. That would cause a ruckus.

 

Alaska Canceled Snow Crab Season for the First Time Ever Because All the Crabs Are Gone

ThermionicEmissions put its crack staff, so-named because they're on crack, to the task of finding out what happened to the crafty crustaceans, the hardshell habitants...

• Aliens. It's always aliens.
• Left to join the dolphins. So Long and Thanks for all the Shrimp?
• finally figured out what life had in store and refused to show up
• got lost because they wouldn't stop to ask for directions
• got UC Berkeley to go on strike with them, to have them reclassified as Not Food
• decided it was just too cold up there and moved to Florida. UC Berkeley realized there are a lot of Jews in Florida and has banned crabs from the campus.

So your area suffered the worst flooding in recent history (Florida).

Now you have a new wave of flesh-eating infections.

God has a strange sense of humor.

I think the crabs should reconsider their decision to move from Alaska to Florida.

It's perfect!

Morning Late in the Afternoon

Your love is like   green eggs and spam

So, Trump's in trouble again.

Today I identify as  the only "offensive" street sign in California that hasn't been changed

Respected snake researcher dies from rattlesnake bite

No one saw it coming....

Why Are People Moving Out of California?

They hit their heads on the renamed politically correct street signs and experienced a moment of clarity?

• When are the supply chain issues going to end? 

Conspiracy Theories and Uncertainty About Monkeypox Are Spreading Really, Really Fast

Let's clear our heads for a moment and think about what happened with the Flying AIDS, then wonder why there are conspiracy theories. It doesn't seem that far out to me...

So I was sleeping, kinda. I got up for a moment and cursed the guy next door, who was pounding on something. I wondered how early it was and how he had the nerve to be making that kind of racket on a Sunday.  Looking at my watch, I grumbled because he was banging in the morning at 2:30pm. Oh. It was entirely possible I needed some sleep the previous night. They call it a sleep deficit. Of course it's a sleep deficit; it can spend some quality time with my house deficit, car deficit, sex deficit, and financial deficit. It's a life of deficits, as some annoying old man said hundreds of years ago. Wife celebrated by falling out of bed. She doesn't drink either.

So at 2:30, I came to the stunning realization that Wife didn't set her alarm for early, so we could visit one of those 'quaint' little towns in the morning. I asked, but she was too busy falling out of bed to answer. I suddenly realized what a tremendous idea she had. No one bothers you for anything when you fall out of bed. I could make a career out of it, but I fear the floor isn't padded well enough to protect my body after a few tries. I could get one of those Traumatic Ass Injuries. Plus I think she doesn't like setting her alarm because then she'll have to wake me. This is an activity best performed from across the street. Or across the state. I am not pleasant when awakened. Come to think of it, I am not pleasant.

After falling out of bed lost its steam and became boring, I left the bed, in search of coffee. The bed is a bad place to get coffee, kind of like the basement. Since I haven't gotten my Coffee-to-the-Desktop app going, I'm limited to the general area of the coffeemaker. After making myself a proper cup of brown gold, I found the effort taxing and was ready for my first nap of the day. This is what weekends are for. Weekdays too, as soon as I get my boss to approve it.  

It's a beautiful day out, with nice summer temperatures (it's not 90). We have lots of sunlight left, so it's good napping weather. Since I'm awake, the neighbor has stopped pounding on whatever he was pounding on. If we go by the obvious clues, he purchased the house to wake me up. It gets listed as a skill on his resume.

I heroically decided to push through the tired and find something to do. When not napping, sitting is good, so off I went. Unfortunately that was the end of my ideas of what to do, so I needed something that required little awakeness, thought, or effort. That's why I'm typing this now. Unfortunately, sitting is usually a prelude to getting tired, requiring a nap. I am unsure if this counts as my second nap or first nap, even though I didn't avail myself of the first one. I couldn't spend any more time on this kind of frivolity, so I figured it would solve itself during the nap sometime.  After a few well-had naps, it turned out to be 6:00. 6:00 is one of those times. It occurs every day at the same time. To some it's dinner time. In our case, we both sat there, staring at each other, inquiring what we were having for breakfast. No, it's not dinner just because it's 6:00. It's my first meal of the day, so it's breakfast - sue me.

Wife asked me what time to set her alarm for tomorrow morning. I smell a trap.

No, they're absolutely not tracking you

• Facebook’s In-app Browser on iOS Tracks ‘Anything You Do on Any Website’

 

• Facebook can track your Internet history and credit card number on other websites

 

• Data brokers amass profiles of pregnant women – and, of course, it's all up for sale

 

• GM Makes $1,500 OnStar Subscription Mandatory on GMC, Buick, Cadillac Models

 

• Amazon’s Roomba Deal Is Really About Mapping Your Home

           (told you so... now Bloomberg agrees)

 

• 'Ring Nation' Is Amazon's Reality Show for Our Surveillance Dystopia

There are two kinds of people; men and women.

No, there are four kinds of people; men, women, now, and eventually.

I'm a man and a now.

Wife is a woman (really!) and an eventually. It is safe to say that if we had a fire, she would take so long to get ready, she wouldn't make it out.

This can best be illustrated by the simple act of getting out of the car.

We went to a hamfest, which is an electronic flea market, concentrating on amateur radio. This is fun for me, even if I can't explain why. I park, open the door, and head straight for the tables. This is also what happens at restaurants. It is not so simple for Wife. Wife is not a girly girl, so none of this involves makeup or hair manipulation.

Park. Step out. Close door. Let's ROCK!

She is still in her seat.

Gets tangled in seatbelt. 

Does things with pocketbook.

Looks for stuff.

"Can you open the trunk?"

Yes, Dear, now that I've locked the door, let me unlock it and open the trunk.

Does more things with pocketbook.

Fills out raffle ticket for tomorrow, after intense search for pen.

Steps out door.

Remembers something else she needs.

At this point, I'm tired of idling and moving toward agitated.

What do you need in the trunk? 

"A bag, in case we buy anything."

Smart.

"I wonder if I should bring the black mesh one. The flowery one is bigger. I really like the blue one with elephants in a barbershop quartet."

JUST GRAB A BAG 

"Oh, I called my mom yesterday. She said...."

Can we please get moving? 

"Oh, sorry. But just let me tell you this."

NO. 

"Mom said my sister is visiting for the summer. Isn't that something?"

Oh yeah, it's something alright. I just don't know WHAT 

"What are we doing for dinner?"

Is there any way we can move this along a bit? The flea market closes in four hours and I wanted to see a few tables.... 

"Oh, sorry. I'm thirsty."

Didn't you bring your water bottle? 

"I forgot."

Anything else? 

"I have to go to the bathroom."

I told all of you to go before we left. 

"I'll go to the building and look for one."

Why are we standing here, outside the building? 

"I need a cigarette."

My entire fscking life is run by cigarettes and I don't even smoke. 

"Where can I get a soda?"

At home, or one of the 37 convenience stores we passed on the way here. How about that coffee we stopped for?

"I want soda."

Of course you do.

"Ooh, did you see her earrings?"

No, I don't track earrings. I was looking at her breasts.

"I'll bet you were."

Hey, don't get on my case - I'm a Subject Matter Expert.

"I'm going to ask her about the earrings."

You better hurry up - the hamfest just closed and everybody's packed up. Maybe next time we should arrive two hours in advance, so we can see something. Anything at all. Or we could save a lot of gas by not going. 

Me: now.  She: eventually.

If I ‘Had a Penis’ I’d Be President
Elizabeth Warren slams disgusting misogyny of Democratic voters

I call fake news. Warren could just identify as a penis.

 

CDC no longer gently recommends COVID precautions most weren’t following anyway

Unvaccinated people no longer need to quarantine and physical distancing is de-emphasized.

They. Have. No. Fscking. Idea.

Dad restrains woman who stripped to underwear and tried to storm Jet2 cockpit - twice, yelling 'Allahu Akbar'

It turns out that this is the new in-flight entertainment. If the woman is attractive, they let her into the cockpit.

Knife-wielding muslim attacks Salman Rushdie, ruins eye, puts him on ventilator.

This is your brain on religion

 It's bad enough we're stuck with Old Joe; Nancy Pelosi is 82. In 2018, she promised not to run again for House dem leader, but forgot and is running again. Dementia? Nah, naked political greed.

Study claims doctors aren’t warning young women about the dangers of anal intercourse

study also finds doctors aren't telling young women how much fun it is

A walrus, a protected species, was euthanized in Oslo because they couldn't guarantee the safety of people, who wouldn't stop coming up to her, sometimes taking pictures, sometimes with children.

Why didn't they just euthanize the people?

We're a sad species.

So I picked on Alice Cooper for golfing. His stories about interactions with other famous people are hilarious. Elvis, Raquel Welch, Peter Sellers, Mae West, and more.

 

Mohammad Visits the DMV

 

Your love is like  extra math classes

Driverless cars could force other road users to drive more efficiently

also more carefully, because they don't want the driverless cars to hit them...

Today I identify as  25 year old classic dust

• Headbutts hurt the brain, even for a musk ox
• Who could have seen this coming? 
• NFL chooses to ignore, lawyers celebrate

New Zoom Flaws Could Let Attackers Hack Victims Just by Sending them a Message

Stop using Zoom - it's a piece of donkey dung. There are many alternatives, some secure. Try Wire.

Flying AIDS News 

Kids 5 to 11 get FDA OK for COVID-19 booster doses

Top Biden health officials sound warning on rising coronavirus infections

What the public wants in COVID news vs. what the press provides

Pfizer warns of “constant waves” of Covid as complacency grows

Pfizer says 3-dose COVID vaccine for under 5s produces strong immune response

trials begin in-the-womb 

Monkeypox cases investigated in Europe, US, Canada and Australia

Somebody wake Fauci - we need another PANIC!!!

Sixth child in US dies of unexplained hepatitis as global cases top 600

Don't worry - Pfizer's already on it 

The Biden administration announced it is sending $24 billion to Ukraine this week and more next week. When asked how it's going to pay for that, Biden brought up his new Bathroom Tax. Whenever you go to the bathroom, you pay a tax on it. To be fair to lower wage earners, the tax will be a flat fee of $5. So if you go four times a day, just mail $20 to Good Ole Joe, c/o White House, DC.

Little Feat's Waiting for Columbus, their 1978 live album, is being released, with a whole bunch of new shows added. With or without the extra material and tweaking, Waiting for Columbus is a great live album. The latest version of Little Feat is missing 3 (dead) numbers and I'm not too sure I want to listen to this version. But buy the album - if you aren't up and playing invisible percussion, you are probably deceased.

I notice it almost daily: all emails must be on one topic only. If you send an email like this:

1. I need your hours

2. I'm going to touch your wife inappropriately

Response:  40

People don't read or can't deal with more than one thing at a time. 

1. hey - nice shirt today!

2. the boss wants to see you before you leave. He's pissed.

Response: Thanks! I got it a long time ago.

Try it.

The Continuing Saga of Mowing 

It never stops. 

The rain.

And because the rain never stops, the grass weeds continue to grow.

And because the weeds continue to grow, I have to mow them.

And I have PTSD because a lawn mower did something to me when I was little. Or something. I hate mowing. And grass.

We have an electric mower that has done a great job for years. And now the battery is not taking a charge. No problem, go to the manufacturer's site and find it. Oops. Can't find.

Look elsewhere. Can't find. Because when you search for a battery, all you get is battery chargers. Even using the part number.

Back to the manufacturer and there it is: only $85. Out of stock and discontinued.

So to pile on the aggravation, we need a new mower. The similar ones start at $300 and ramp up rapidly. I paid less for cars than some of these mowers. It just has to cut the grass.. I'm not looking for Bluetooth, baggers, body-shredders, or DNA cleaning. The idea of self-mowers is good, but it would just try to mow then commit suicide (like the dehumidifiers).

When we visited Arizona, many of the 'lawns' were dirt and rocks. I fell in love. I wanted to concrete the rear, but was officially told no. Something about being harder to find the bodies, but I stopped listening after No. If you watch the grass and concentrate, you can see it fscking grow. The dead mower is sitting there and you can watch the grass growing past it and trying to eat the mower. The dog has to be watched because sometimes she disappears in the weeds.

Looking at goog maps and driving around the block, I notice there are a lot of houses. Therefore, a lot of homeowners. How do these people do it? Our house-buying experience was like falling down a recently-sharpened set of metal steps. Each one a deep wound and another problem. Our home ownership experience has been like the buying experience, with a couple more floors of steps added, just for fun. It would have been nice if one of the many homeowners on the planet would have told us something. Anything. Just a little tip. Stuff about mowing. Interest rates. Teaching the dog not to bark at the neighbors. Something.

My guitar fund is actually in negative numbers.

RIP Alan White, who played the drums on John Lennon's Imagine, as well as being a member of Yes, since 1972.

• If you want a fast, accurate market reading, ask a stripper
• it makes sense - read the article 

I don't know if it was a state thing or a federal thing or just plain old weather modification, but we only have two seasons; winter and summer.  We just went from the 50s to the 90s. Summer is upon us. It seems to be really late this year, like falling gas prices. $70 to fill the car. Given the choice, I'd take summer. I could deal with never wearing a coat.

We went out of state to a Mem

orial Day hamfest. As you no doubt remember, a hamfest is a flea market for radios, electronics, and Various Other Stuff<tm>.  We thought it would be mobbed, because people are springing forth from their state-mandated Flying AIDS lockdowns, but alas, it wasn't so great. The amount of crap being sold is always mesmerizing, as well as the sheer variety. Anything from ancient parts removed from ancient tube equipment to DVDs. Mrs. lefty loves DVDs like I love sleeping late. Really bad old movies. Really bad black and white old movies from before anyone was born. There was computer equipment too, but I gave up when the computer's sticker said WINDOWS XP (although linux would run fine).  It was more for the experience than the purchasing, although I've made some great purchases. We made our customary stop at Waffle House. You need to stop laughing when I say that. We don't have Waffle House anywhere near us. Their waffles are just like....  waffles. I think we go for the show. Which is definitely preferable to going for the coffee, which may be made using old, used  ashtrays. The internal children love it to death. I just want to warn you... if you have PTSD, you really shouldn't go in there. The screaming, plate smashing, and cooking noises are really too much and could trigger an episode in the most well-appearing veteran. It sent me right back to Nam, in a sweetened cereal paddy....

SO hamfest has no porcine relevance. Radio amateurs are 'hams'.

This is not to be confused with CBs, which are operated by loud inbreds, who feel the need to add echo to their radios. I don't want to paint with too broad a brush.. I'm only referring to 95% of them.

• According to Gene Simmons, Kiss are retiring out of pride and self-respect.
• Sorry Gene, that ship sailed over 20 years ago...

It was dark and the rain had been falling all day. Few were gathered at graveside to support the widow. After everyone got done lobbing stuff into the grave, they proceeded to the party. The main question on everybody's mind was what happened? 

Since it's not polite to ask this sort of thing of the widow, Mrs. lefty, people lined up to ask.

She looked at the small assemblage and said, "He walked into his office Monday, and everything just worked. He had a heart attack and died."

Lately it's been printers, although it's not limited to them. Since we only print once a month or less, issues aren't common. One would think you plug the printer's USB into the laptop and hit PRINT. But you silly mortals don't understand the finer points of operating computers, networks, and printers.

1. Turn on the printer: this is where it can all go wrong immediately.
2. Plug in the printer cable: it's hard for even my coworkers to mess this up
3. Hit PRINT
4. Wait for an error. There's always an error.

In order to keep printer prices low, manufacturers build in the Intermittent Invisible Fault option. When this activates, you can plug it in, reboot the pc, reboot the printer, and hang upside down from the ceiling, but it's not going to work. If you're a Level 11 Masochist, you may call Support, which cannot even begin to diagnose the problem because it's intermittent and won't act up for them.

If you've plugged in more than 3 printers, you tell the computer to print a test page. This will fail miserably. This morning the error was "Out of Paper."  Folks, even our president could tell there was paper in the printer, but I tried to look perfesshionel and reseated the paper. I even added more paper to confuse things. Of course the printer won: it had PRE-confused things.

Then you bring up the printer queue. This tells you what the printer has to print, if it hasn't already. So I printed a test page, watched it zip through the queue and completely failed to print. So as far as the computer was concerned, the printer printed. This means the printer is stupid. But how can the printer be stupid if it deliberately fails to print? The only one upset here is me.

It is at this point that you need to go back to #2: Plug in the printer cable. I can't tell you how many times this has saved me hours of work.

It's not like there's any particular brand of printer I have problems with, although I prefer HP because they play well with linux. Perhaps the printer is female and throws up errors because I don't pay enough attention to it. I don't care: there's a female wife and a female dog in the house... I don't need any additional agita.

The printer itself is located out of the way, so it doesn't produce more clutter, making it very difficult to launch across the room or the house. Perhaps I can get the dog to bark at it.

The only sensible action is to state "I ask too much" and go on to something else. Cuz you know the thing will start spitting out pages at 4 tomorrow morning.

The only acceptable for ThermionicEmissions Depp news: Johnny flew across the pond and appeared onstage with the one and only Jeff Beck, Thermionic's favorite guitar player and one of the world's best. But let's face it - Depp is not in Mr. Beck's league and doesn't really belong onstage with him. It's nice to have friends.

Vermin Supreme Has Ideas

A JetBlue flight was interrupted when iPhones were sent a picture of a suicide vest. An iPhone feature allows people within 30' to send pictures.

More iDevice-related terror.

iPhone privacy tips.


If you use WhatsApp or Telegram, you'll want to turn this setting off. Now.


Police can start with almost no information about a person of interest and instantly know intimate details of their lives. Interested in the latest assault on our liberties?

• Police in Tennessee have requested people not flush their drugs, because it could lead to 'meth-gators'.

Dear lefty

• How many SJWs does it take to change a light bulb?
• None. Light Bulbs are a tool of the patriarchy.

Reaching way back, Robert Plant's first two post-Led Zeppelin tours and albums featured a relatively unknown drummer called Phil Collins. Must've been a tough road, being famous with Genesis then drumming for Robert Plant.

But, you're asking yourself, what did Zep look like at their first concert?




Florida

A Florida man was sentenced after raping his baby daughter and posting footage to the web. I'm sure he'll be very popular in prison.

The Florida DMV sells your personal information to private companies and marketing firms...  hint: they're not the only ones.

A Texas woman lived with her dead mother for three years.
Texas must be a city in Florida.

A Florida man has been accused to cutting off his neighbor's genitals after catching him having sex with his wife.



A thief in Philly stole a man's car, with his kids inside.
The man took off after his kids, caught up with his car, and yanked the thief out.
Neighbors offered their assistance and somehow the thief wound up dead.

Instant Karma.

• I just watched Penny the Wonder Cocker catch a bird. She's fast.

Batteries and Self-Driving Cars
My buddy was looking at hybrids. The one she saw recommended replacing the batteries every 5 years, at $8k. I wonder if it's covered under the warranty...

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but the green push to electric cars blindly ignores the cost of manufacturing batteries, generating electricity at home and charging stations, and disposing of old batteries. Doesn't seem that green to me.

Along the same lines, driverless cars are not ready for prime time, yet we hear about them as if they're flawless. Even the testing has someone at the wheel, just in case. This also ignores the privacy and security aspects.



Rhubarb ain't what it used to be?

We attended a hamfest over the weekend. Before you laugh about porcine references, a hamfest is an electronic radio flea market. We had a blast, looking around at stuff for sale. While I was looking at something, a guy at the next table hailed Mrs. lefty. He asked if she liked her vegetables. He handed her a bunch of rhubarb, along with directions to cook it. When she asked what she owed him, he said nothing. Hams are some nice people. If we get randy, we can flog each other with it. Or she could cook it. I'm voting for the former.

As I type this, there is a tv show with a segment on rhubarb.

Since we were looking at radios and other goodies, I scored a small mixer and microphone. The others got carabiners, electronics learning kits, and assorted toys. It was a fun time.

• In order to grow almond trees, you need to plant two kinds of trees: male and female. Don't look outside unless you really want to watch trees fuck.

President Trump continues to endear himself to the rest of the world via tweets. Responding to criticism from the Anti Defamation League, that $8 billion is not enough aid for Israel, Trump suggested they go back to Israel. When informed the members of the ADL were American-born, he said they hated America and were antisemites. Democrats said the tweets were racist and sexist. CNN is reporting from the Trump toilet. Israel said everyone hates the ADL. A spokesman for the White House said it was moving to New Jersey.

• Someone needs to tell dress manufacturers not to run a seam right up both breasts. The newslady has a glaring yellow dress on, with what look like huge nipples....
• Oh.

SJW Sayings

We're just past the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. It was an incredibly important event worldwide. There's some great footage of people in other countries, lined up in front of television stores, watching the event and wishing the astronauts the best. Meanwhile, back home....

• Democrats of color protested the moon landing as sexist, racist, and a display of white supremacy.
• Women in tech organizations demanded new missions to be women-only.
• Liberals said that if the aliens invade and try to kill us, they should be granted immediate citizenship.
• Republicans are desperately searching for a way to become invisible.
• Moon landing skeptics were locked in a small room at NASA, with no net access.
• The president said that if the astronauts had any complaints, they should go back to the moon.

[Twitter] Since at least the 1950s, "communist" has become a popular coded word for nigger. Let's be real. Black Russians?

Rihanna is accused of cultural appropriation. On the cover of Harper's Bazaar China, her hairstyle and jewelry are similar to Chinese styles.

Vermin Supreme for President - free ponies

Hey Fatass - The Shorts....

It's getting warmer and more sunny, which can only mean one thing: air conditioning. Ok, air conditioning and leaving the house. Two things: air conditioning, leaving the house, and hamfests. THREE things...

For newer readers, a hamfest has absolutely nothing to do with pork or pork products. Hams are amateur radio operators and this is, for lack of better term, a radio and electronics flea market. There are many across the US at different times, weather depending.

A hamfest is a unique event. World War II was also a unique event.
Let me try this again. A hamfest is a wonderful insight into a universe you've never seen or possibly heard about.

Unattached ladies - if you're looking for Marriage Material, or are horribly desperate, this is the place to be.  You can peruse all sorts of men and pick one who matches your standards and likes. You can find overweight men, overweight men with suspenders, grossly overweight men, and men on scooters. Dark-haired men with short hair, dark-haired men with long hair, many gray-hairs and the odd gray-haired man with a pony tail. For the entire time I've been attending hamfests, I can recall one man with blond hair. I have no idea why this is.  Some of these fellas will probably die quickly, leaving you the insurance money.

As for men looking for women, you might as well go buy a single winning lottery ticket at your local convenience store. At certain events, Mrs. lefty was one of two women. This is a big plus for women, because you're going to be the best-looking woman at the fest (if not the only woman). The one or two there seem to be spouses or vendors. Having said that, there were a lot of women there today. It was bizarre. In addition to being stared at by lots of men, Mrs. lefty was stared at by women, mostly with sour, jealous faces. Some women are weird.

It's not that there are no women in amateur radio - their ranks seem to grow yearly. You can routinely turn on your receiver and hear women locally. You can also hear local men, gabbing about nothing with the women, all of them sounding like women. One must take a test to operate these radios.



Hams go back to the beginning of time, or rather, the beginning of amateur radio. Some operated in the military, some picked it up as a hobby. Some built radios themselves, out of scrapped televisions and other electronics. They did what was necessary. They are quite a crafty lot. Possibly because of this, they are cheap. Oh my dog are they cheap. As bad as you've seen it at any other flea markets, hams can sometimes take it to their own exclusive level.

For a group that's almost one hundred percent gentlemen, there is some rude, confusing behavior. They walk right past you, as if you're invisible, and stand there at the tables, blocking all views of the merchandise. Maybe this happens at flea markets in general, I don't know. If a new vendor shows up late, they go into Swarm Mode and attack. You can't get within ten feet of the new table.

And what can one see for sale at these events? I think there's a word limit on blogs. The obvious would be radios. Lots of radios. Tons of radios. Radios in all shapes and sizes. Very expensive recent radios and some ancient tube radios that weigh just under one hundred pounds and are referred to as boatanchors. Then there are parts of radios: tiny little resistors, capacitors, coils, transformers and bits of this and that, some older than me. Tons of tubes, almost none of them useful, unless you like to fix really old televisions.

But that's not all! I like radios, to be sure, but there are so many weird objects, some completely unrelated, that make things more interesting. Did your VCR from the nineties crap out and you need one to transfer tapes? There were ten there, with remotes, in great condition. Computer buff? There are a lot of old, refurbished computers for sale, as well as old networking equipment. Old cables, old monitors, and really old cables. Old mice, old software, old peripherals. A huge box of cassette adapters from when you'd plug your mp3 player into your car stereo. A large collection of 8track tapes. Military surplus hats with the flap down the back so you don't get neck sunburn. Very expensive flashlights that can blind you and tiny laser pointers that can burn a hole through your skull.  Sports baseball caps, old but unused drink cozies, Barbies, costume jewelry, and a ton of old CDs and DVDs (and albums). Even a bunch of sound equipment, removed from several installations. How can one not go to these events?

I bought an SVGA cable, because one of mine is getting temperamental, for the lofty price of two dollars.

I am taking a good-natured shot at radio amateurs. By and large, they're a great group of fellows (and a few women) who would do anything for anyone. Remember: when the cell phone networks went down on 9-11, amateur radio continued to operate. They offer their services in disasters and practice for them so they're ready. Never a penny changes hands - it's completely volunteer by honorable people.

===============================

Since we were hungry and since we don't have them anywhere near us, we stopped at Waffle House. For some reason, this absolutely thrills Mrs. lefty and the internal kids.  We followed two girls in; one tall, the other not. One attractive, the other not. By this point you know that the attractive one is dressed for the weather. The other one, about forty pounds overweight, is wearing short shorts. When I say short shorts, I mean the kind that only barely cover your buttocks. Unfortunately, parts of her buttocks were intent on escaping and were having great success in their endeavor. This might not have been visible from the front, but we had the misfortune to be round the back. Fortunately this did not put us off our waffles.

Waffle House must be an offshoot of Walmart. I say this because of the employees, but mostly the clientele. Every hair color you can imagine, except brown or blonde or red. More tattoos than a tattoo shop. More piercings than Uncle Fester's bed of nails (and those are the ones we can see).

We passed a place called Indoor Skydiving. Good thing I wasn't driving, because I had to sit AND think about this for a while. How do they get the planes into the building? After watching fifteen seasons of Air Crash Investigation, I know this isn't practical. It's also too small for an amusement park ride. I'm told by someone much smarter that there's a huge fan at the bottom, which keeps you in midair, hence skydiving.  I like the plane idea better.

Weekend in Review - or Why Did I Leave the House?

So it's Monday.  It's usually Monday, moreso at this time of the week.  It is, in fact, rather early for a Monday, but there we are; it's Monday.

So what rhymes with Monday?  Hyundai.
And why do I mention Hyundai?  Because it has been a wonderful experience owning an almost new car.  And because it has been a wonderful experience, the Hyundai has obliged by overheating.

A quick trip to the mechanic diagnosed the problem as bad hoses and a thermostat (which should have been replaced when the dealer rebuilt the front end after the Deer Incident<tm>).  Naturally the parts had to be ordered and wouldn't be in for a few days.  The universe is funny this way.

Somehow we made it out last weekend.

Let's start with the Musicians Flea Market at the New Hope Winery.  I made several assumptions which turned out to be totally incorrect.  My wife was on point and we got proper backup directions.  And where were the backup directions?  Back up at the house, where we left them.

The Winery is a few miles past Peddler's Village.  You can't miss it (although we almost did).  There is the winery and the events building.  It there appeared to be more cars in the lot than people attending the event.  Apparently this room is routinely used for national events - it's very nice.   We were charged a door fee of five dollars and went off, exploring.

I don't mind paying: I pay for the Philly Guitar Shows twice a year and it's worth it.  The Philly Guitar Shows have hundreds of vendors.  The Winery had approximately six.  This is where I start to mind paying.

Still, I wanted to support this concept, hoping it would really take off.  Unfortunately the approximately six vendors took up the large part of the room, leaving little if any room to grow.   When I think flea market, I think lots of tables and vendors.  Not so much here.  And we got a coupon for ten percent off wine purchases that day.  This is ironic, as I don't drink.

Sadly, it was a bit of a wash.  I hope the vendors did well.

Peddler's Village was in the midst of its Strawberry Festival, which was a real boon to those who like strawberries.  In a bit of flawed logic, I suspect that people who like Strawberries are large, slow and grossly inconsiderate of others trying to walk near and around them.  I needed a cow catcher to get from shop to shop.

My wife wanted a fresh lemonade.  In front of us was one party of about five people, which seemed to be completely monopolizing the party of five people working at the stand.  Every they finished ordering, someone came up with another thing they needed.  After about five minutes of waiting for lemonade, I gave up, leaving my poor wife to stand behind these idiots.  I procured a smoothie in the time it took her to get her lemonade and walk to the next stand.  They kept adding one more thing, like a really bad version of Columbo.  And the people who worked there were so stunned, no one thought to ask her if she wanted anything.

On the plus side, it was a beautiful day.  We got cotton candy.  There was a jazz band on the lawn, with a really interesting drummer.  On the way out we saw a band doing Jimmy Buffet-type songs in the gazebo.


Sunday was the MARC Hamfest, starting at the ridiculous hour of seven in the morning.  We got there by eight.  It was very well-attended, moreso than we have seen in quite a while.

I didn't see anything that thrilled me, aside from a $600 R390 boatanchor tube receiver.  Having left my $600 bill home, I was forced to leave the R390 at the hamfest.  The silver lining is that the receiver is so heavy, I watched the vendor having to get help removing it from his trunk.  So I saved some of my vital parts<tm>.

My wife did quite a bit better, as usual.  She runs through vcrs and dvd players like I run through soda and she purchased one of each for ten dollars.  You never know what you're going to find at a hamfest.   The table with the greatest title was the Guilt Table, where buyers were encouraged to buy candles for their wives/girlfriends.  Naturally my wife scored there too.

I may need to rethink this hamfest thing.

Philly Area Events of Note

This Saturday, 5/4, is the New Hope Winery musicians flea market.

I hear good things about this flea market but have never attended.  If you haven't been to New Hope, you should go and bring the spouse/significant other.  It's a really `quaint little shopping village'.  Nice place to spend the day.  They have all sorts of interesting shops you won't see elsewhere and good places to eat.

-------------------------------------

This Sunday, 5/5, is the Warminster Hamfest

This is my traditional first hamfest of the season.  It's a great location, albeit a ride.  Warning: the mere presence of a hamfest at this location on this day tends to produce rain.  You never know which way it's going to go.  But a great time is usually had by all.

For the uninitiated, a hamfest has nothing to do with ham, pigs or potato salad.  It's a flea market for amateur radio and electronics nuts.  You can also find a bit of stuff for computer people and musicians.



I have no financial interest in any of these places or events.  It's just nice to get out of the house once or twice a year.

========================

Funny story about New Hope

Last time there, we located an adult shop.  I was having a fun time holding things up and saying, "Hey Honey, look at this!".  

While walking to the next area, my wife asked me if I noticed that guy.

What guy?

The guy in the adult shop.

No.

You didn't see him looking at you?

No, why.

He wanted you.

Excuse me?

You really are oblivious, aren't you?

Completely.  I don't notice women coming on to me.

Or men, apparently.

I stopped cold in my tracks and considered what she said.  As we continued walking, I started looking around and really noticing.  Uh-oh.  I was apparently way more popular than I had ever thought possible (and I am not a good looking guy).  I swore, at that moment, I would never objectify women again.  I felt like a piece of meat.

As it turned out, New Hope is a rather gay place.  While I am a huge supporter of gay rights, I do not participate.

Hamfests and Other Porcine Efforts

Today was a hallmark day of the year: the first hamfest of the season.  For those unfamiliar, hamfests do not actually involve pigs or other pork products at all.  It is an electronic flea market, focusing largely on amateur radio gear.  Since I like amateur radio, scanners, and old shortwave tube radios that weigh more than my car (boatanchors), it's always a fun time.  The internet has largely killed in-person shopping fun so we have to seek it out where we can find it.

Today's shopping extravaganza happened in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, at a place called the Grange.  This was far start enough from the house as to start entering the hinterlands, hence the Grange.  We have no granges in my town.  In fact, if I didn't know of this one, I'd say we had no granges in the state.  The date of this particular `fest is always in contention, largely as it always rains on this `fest.  They tried moving it a week in either direction and it rained then too.

What they failed to grok is that this is Pennsylvania, where the state bird is the cloud and the state color is gray.  My house not only has a cloud based largely over it but so does the state.

But enough observationhal humor about Pennsylvania - anyone who has visited it has enough ammunition for days of this stuff.

The only serious problem the radio amateurs (hams) present is that the hamfests tend to start at seven or eight in the morning.  As a musician and dyed-in-the-wool computer geek, I try never to even think about seven in the morning, no less see it.  So after the initial shock of an alarm going off at six in the morning, I somehow managed to find myself out of bed and pointed in the vicinity of the car.  Fortunately the wife was driving, so being asleep was an acceptable option for me.  Not for my wife, though, which is a matter I will not be addressing in an upcoming blog entry.

The weather, albeit cold, was pretty good, as was the turnout.  Both vendors and shoppers were out in full force, even as we were parking.  Hamfests are not only fun, but very interesting places to watch people.  You see all kinds, by which I mean 95% male, 90% over 50, and 99% less than attractive.  In fact, the only way attractive people can get into a hamfest is on a minority scholarship.

Computer goodies can also be found.  And there was good news for computer people: Windows 98 is no longer considered state of the art.

I did see a few boatanchor shortwave radios, including one I really want to get my hands on: a radio called an R390.  Unfortunately it's something like seventy-five pounds and the vendor wanted $600 for it.  I had to leave it there because I left my $600 bill at home.

Just so you think the ladies are underrepresented, there are many items my wife looked at.  She spent a lot of her time pointing out things I missed, like tubes.  It's a great place to find weird tubes.  In fact, guitar players are starting to get hip to hamfests.  I saw a guy who makes guitar amplifiers locally checking things out.

But the people, the people....  today's absolute winner had to be the person I saw across the way.  It was probably the large pink shorts that caught my eye.  I naturally assumed this woman was to be observed (even after I realized this was a guy).  The wide shorts transitioned to a sweat jacket, with a tightly-tied hood and another jacket outside it.  The cherry on the top was definitely the latex gloves.

After meeting a friend and chatting about our various and sundry ailments, I realized that this would be like Disneyland for the right psychologist.  And after throwing in the wife's diagnoses, it could become a lifetime project.

Before we knew it we were hungry for lunch.  And why not - it was almost nine.  Fortunately for us, the Grange kitchen staff had been hard at work for a while, preparing stuff for our enjoyment.  As we moved toward the counter, my wife heard the Magic Words<tm>: hot dogs.  Hot dogs are timeless, so we had to have them.

The nice old lady at the counter had other ideas.  Before I could get a word out, she asked if I wanted the last of the egg casserole.  Or something like that - I couldn't understand her and my wife just stood there looking helpless.  I smiled and my wife indicated her desire for a hot dog.  I seconded.  Unfortunately it became immediately apparent that my request was not processed and that this was to be a memorable order.

We watched as the lady picked up a hot dog.  She asked about sauerkraut, which my wife approved.   `Sally' picked up what I can only describe as a little paper hot dog cozy, put the dog on it, then piled on the kraut.  At this point I can guarantee there were many internal conversations happening and I'm only talking about the wife and myself.  Finally a less flummoxed coworker asked Sally if she had forgotten something... perhaps a roll.  Sally's last remaining brain cell leapt into gear and she offered that something did indeed seem amiss.

Some laughed.  My wife laughed.  I couldn't bring myself to laugh at Sally, as her faculties were obviously on strike.  I simply asked the less flummoxed coworker for a hot dog with sauerkraut and a bun, which elicited joy from all concerned.  Sally went back on Egg Casserole Duty, presumably where she wouldn't hurt anything (except sales).  I discovered the secret to their donuts when I watched them crumbling up Dunkin Donuts boxes.  No matter, we were there before seven in the morning anyway.  My wife will not leave the house without first stopping at the local Dunkin Donuts (HER Dunkin Donuts) for an intravenous refill of coffee.

With all of that hilarity behind us, as well as the hot dogs and both buns, it was time to bid the hamfest a fond farewell.  There will be another at the Grange later this year, round about the time it's getting too cold to continue.  We will return, cash in hand, and ready to get hot dogs.

But seriously, folks, one can procure much more than hot dogs.  There were also sodas.  But I digress (still): we saw radio-controlled airplanes, toys, test gear, power tools, and all sorts of other manly day-out treats for our weary eyes.  It's a nasty hobby but somebody has to do it.

It was a great, strangely sunny day.  We even got to sit on the front steps and grumble about having trouble parking due to the damn church down the block.

But certainly you're asking yourself what other porcine events I attend.  Funny you should ask.  We're but a month or so away from a huge block party/pig roast at which my band is performing.   Yes, you know you've `made it' when you are headlining a pig roast for the third year in a row.  It will be hot.  It will be humid.  There will be pig.  And it will be loud.