Barbie does Pr0n

Not, really.

But I did an Epay search for Barbie clothing for a present and I found the damnedest things. EPay is known for their hilarious search results.

Among them are these, with not so much as Barbie on them:

• anything pink in color
• pink polka-dot umbrella
• vinyl bike shorts
• Women's Metal Studded Leather Vest Barbie's Bling
• Hipster Reversible Bikini Bottoms in Barbie Pink
• Barbie by Andy Warhol (meaning it also didn't have Barbie on or in it anywhere)
• black and white hair tie with skulls
• a mumu
• and screaming hot bodysuit lingerie

Guess which non-Barbie item I'm ordering with the Barbie items?

And of course, a ton of Barbie crop-tops.

Crop tops are like crack to overweight women.

In summer, they go well with wool hats.

Search for anything and comment with the most ridiculous results.

My last hilarious result was a search for t-shirts, which returned men's underwear... with an..  'elephant trunk' on front, to hold your [external plumbing equipment].  Question: if I search for dildos, will it return Barbie crop tops or just official Barbie dildos?

Theme song for the Flying AIDS governmental response:

 The Beatles singing "We all live in a yellow Chevrolet"

Speaking of which, are those Supply Chain Interruptions over yet? Since the Flying AIDS alert has been taken down by the President, shouldn't the prices come back down? Or does President Giveaway have to bail out the supermarkets too?

• In one of the weirdest moments of my musical life, I turned off a Jeff Beck song. It still hurts.

Like I wrote recently, I finally bought myself a Christmas present. This is unprecedented for me. It was a nose hair trimmer. Yes, that's the only thing I could think of (that wasn't a Custom Shop guitar). In an unrelated coincidence, it won't work today. Like the rest of The lefty Show, I am doomed. It's mostly little stuff that wouldn't bother normal people, but piles up like ash after Mt. Vesuvius went off. It's relentless. Since I used it approximately twice, for 14 seconds, it must be the Energizer battery inside. I love taking things apart. Except nose hair trimmers, cuz you never know where they've been.

‘Am I gay?’-related Google searches soar 1,300 percent in 19 years: analysis

One of my favorite phrases: We are a country of morons.
 

Sometimes it really IS that simple. Or so I figure.

I am a CIS hetero white male. In other words, part of the problem - the PATRIARCHY.

The birds and the bees were explained to me early on and they resonated with reality.
 My heart races when I see Linda Fiorentino. It does nothing when I see Will Smith (both in MIB2). That's pretty much it for me. Men do not register on the Pleasure Scale.

The people asking Google if they're gay might be missing something. Possibly the ability to monitor their own feelings and sexual response. Possibly something north of their neck. Guys: if you want to play with another guy's naughty bits, chances are you're gay (or bi). Does his butt look hot in those pants? Would you rather see him naked than his girlfriend? Are you asking why he has a girlfriend when he could be with you? These are Really Good Signs that you're not entirely, or at all, hetero. If you want him to teach you a lesson, possibly about spanking, you don't have to ask Google. If you feel a desire to wear a sweater tied around your neck, Bing won't help much. If you have 2 pet Yorkies with bows in their ears; don't bother with Duckduckgo.  As they say in England, you're a poof.

I do not discriminate, ladies. The first thing to look for is plaid. If you wear it a lot, look for other signs. Plaid is not a good thing at all, male or female, especially below the waist. Slight exception for winter shirts. Ever feel you really need some Birkenstocks at this moment? Do people call you Butch, even though that's not your name? Do you find Rachel Maddow a style icon? When your female friends look at guys and say OOH, do you say EEW? When your female friends lean over, do you feel an imperative to examine their mammalian protuberances (just to make sure they're properly attached, of course)? Do you tell them their ass looks great in those jeans, then prove it by grabbing on? Are many of your jackets missing sleeves? Do you have to change your panties after 'reading' the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition? Didja ever feel things would be so much better if you had something like guys do, but it can be put on and taken off at will? When watching pr0n, do you wish the guys could be girls instead? Do your scissors not cut paper?

You tell me... is it really difficult to tell if you might be gay? 

If you have to ask....

Also remember, Google tracks you. The data on the title came out of searches. Your name is likely tied to one of them. They are building quite a profile of you, as is Faceyspaces, Amazon, and our friends in DC.  If you're not Out, you might be, to advertisers who buy info from Google. This is why I say to use duckduckgo.com. They don't track you and are not building a profile of you to send ads to, or sell to their friends. Faceyspaces does, and you gladly help, by putting all your information out there and filling out your profile. Maybe crazy old Uncle lefty has a point...

Antipsychotic meds

Remember not to take antipsychotics if you are allergic to antipsychotics. Antipsychotics can cause drowsiness, dragon breath, the Thorazine Shuffle, and will piss off the voices. Swimming pools and rocks may stop talking to you. You may no longer be Jesus. Do not drink alcohol with antipsychotics, unless you're drinking an awful lot and driving.

Hey, ya know those 'table top air conditioner' cube-like things?

There's a lot of arguing about whether or not it works. I stupidly thought it either worked or it didn't, but I'm just a security guy, not an a/c tech.  A/C techs make more money and don't have to return calls, like plumbers and electricians. I think I figured out the issue: the instructions say it's designed to work in 50% humidity.  That probably explains why, after I turned it on, it laughed at me and spit out its own power cord. The same thing happened to every dehumidifier we tried.

I love it when a concert venue sends me their schedule. As I look at the listings, there is only one word that comes to mind: Who?  well, 2 words: WHO? and You're kidding me - they want to charge me HOW MUCH to see a Billy Joel cover band?

Speaking of The lefty Show, we went out one Saturday. There is something about Saturdays. With normal people there is something wrong with Mondays. With us, it's Saturdays. No one has any idea why, though. On Saturday, it's impossible to get out of the house. It's never a problem any other day, because I never go out any other day. Part of it is that I confuse my body by getting more than 5 hours of sleep. It has no idea what to do with all that sleep, so it simply demands more, thinking that's a pretty hip idea. It's never a hip idea to demand things from me. So my body and I start yelling at each other. This must look bizarre from a safe viewing distance, but it makes perfect sense while I'm in the midst of it. The arguing can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours. Most times the body wins, and I go back to sleep, because 12 hours just isn't enough on a Saturday. If I manage to win the fight, simply getting out of bed and down the steps has me more than ready for a nap. You know. my first nap.

This is but one of the many fun activities occurring on Saturdays. One other is locating Wife. We've been married forever, largely due to our schedules being 180 degrees off: when I work, she sleeps. When I sleep, she doesn't. It's very difficult to argue this way, although we're both pretty talented and can work around it. So even if we're marginally awake and haven't killed each other (yet), we will not get out of the house til around dinner, when we'll explore where to find breakfast. If you get up at 4pm, your first meal is breakfast, not dinner, so don't give me any of your holier than thou crap about eating at proper hours and eating proper food, and why can't you be like your brother; a decent married, hard-working man, with 2 beautiful children his wife is in the process of ruining, who have a permanent spot on a therapist's couch waiting for them? If I want to eat my first meal after 5pm, who are you to judge me?

So if we make it past the front door, it's only after a few hours of deciding where to go, then a few more hours of "I'll be right there." Tonight we decided to visit my old high school haunt, a pizza joint. Since we haven't had any real pizza in over a year, we were happy to go there. Like most people, my high school lasted 4 long years. Fortunately there was a pizza joint next to it, so that's where I spent most of the 4 years. I graduated in the top 10%, which tells you a lot about the public school system. It's always nostalgic to visit the place. Things have really changed, though. The school developed tall fencing with barbed wire around the outside (probably inside too). This might have something to do with me going there and referring to it as Bob's High School and Pharmaceutical Outlet. The whole experience terrified me, so I never went to college. It was a good thing, too, as I accompanied my BFF to register for his classes. We spent HOURS waiting in lines, only to be told to wait in the OTHER line. That was enough to put me off any further education (possibly life itself).

Like most things, memory is a fickle mistress (don't tell them you made that phrase up, dimwit). The pizza was certainly edible, but not quite as edible as I remembered it. At this point, we're so starved for pizza, it was the best we've had in quite a while. The only thing better than good pizza is ice cream, before or after pizza. There is a local chain that makes the most interesting ice cream flavors, called Brusters. Just reading the menu can excite most parts of your body. Being lefty, I figured they'd have 35 flavors, none of which I'd enjoy. Also being lefty, I checked their hours online, fortunately not while driving. This being The lefty Show, they closed in 5 minutes. Had we a small plane, a large plane, or a helicopter, we could have made it, but landing space is at a premium in that hood. I doubt they could have sent it up to us either.

Plan B was a place 5 minutes from ThermionicManor. Off we went. And really off *I* went. With street parking, a paid lot, and several large neighborhood streets, there was not so much as ONE parking spot. This tripped my trigger, which is always a very easy thing to do. I suggested we just go home, as the business could not be bothered to have sufficient parking, never mind handicapped spots. I shall email them about this serious breach of business etiquette. I'm sure there will be someone at the place who will really care what I have to say. They'll be so shocked they won't be able to reply to me. Yeah, that's it.

Normal people can go out and get some fine pizza, then find some delectable ice cream. We're lucky to get past the front door, especially on Saturday.

Stay tuned for another episode of The lefty Show, subtitled Unreasonable Expectations.

I don't wanna say the weather is weird here, but I do all the time.

Friday I needed the space heater in the office. Hours later, the fan. Then I made a crack to Wife that it would be 90 the next day. I was wrong; it was only 87. It's 'spring' and I have used the car a/c 3 times.

The dog, however, is perfectly happy to sit in front of the heater or the fan.

lefty reviews pedals [Guitar Content Only]

I see these reviews online and on YouTube, so I decided to bring my reviewing 'style' to the ThermionicEmissions. I can't do videos because I'm too ugly to be on camera, so you're stuck here. This is going to be a real internet hit, once it gets out. I'll have to split the blog again. Yes, I've been drinking again, why do you ask?


A major musical instrument vendor is having a sale and I haven't shopped for anything in 8 years, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Each pedal had a video so you could hear the pedal in action, allowing me to keep current on what's out there.

I hate to have to say this, but the reviews are my opinion. Your mileage will vary. It's more of a review parody of snotty people than anything. And I hate everything anyway.



MXR M78 Custom Badass 78 Distortion  $69

One of my first pedals was the MXR Distortion +. I hated it. Naturally it's 'vintage' and commands a hefty price now. That's nice - a hefty price for a pedal that still sucks.

The Custom Badass does sound different than my Distortion +. It's a little more subtle. And it, too, sucks.


Ibanez NU Tubescreamer  $250

I got the jump on this a year ago, when the Nu Tube itself came out. It's a $50 tube on a chip. It powers the little Vox cubes. Ibanez put it in a pedal.

The Tube Screamer is one of the most famous pedals there is, and has been around since about the time of George Washington. I had one early on. It was green, which also described the color of my face when I heard it. Dammit, this doesn't sound like a tube amp, I said to myself.

The original TS came in a ton of varieties, which sometimes could be distinguished by the shape of the switch, random model numbers, and the shade of green. More recently, it gained fame because of DRSS (Dead Rock Star Syndrome) after Stevie Ray Vaughan had that unfortunate incident with the mountain. SRV used one, so everybody and their parents needed one. What the ads and hype failed to reveal was that SRV also used Marshall, Fender, and Dumble amps at the same time, so unless you hooked your TS to about $6,000 to $15,000 worth of amps, you weren't going to sound like Stevie. Further, you wouldn't play like Stevie either. This is the trap women fall for in makeup commercials: buy this makeup and you'll look like the beautiful movie star who's wearing it now.

We also learned the proper way to run a Tube Screamer was not the way I ran it. You set your amp semi-dirty and run the TS into it for boost, not necessarily gain. So then it became which TS you had, because the one with the square switch sounded better than the stomp switch, causing it to fetch $300 per. Meanwhile, Ibanez is pissing their pants, because the only difference between the square switch model and the stomp switch model is that one has a square switch and one has a stomp switch - there are no circuit differences. Ibanez was less happy when they found out they were going for $300 used. So they did the right thing and reissued the square switch pedal. For $300.

So I watched the video. And it didn't sound any better than my old Tube Screamer. I'll tell you, folks... if you can't make it sound good in the demo, how can you sell them? Like Burger King's commercials.


Shit - are we having fun yet?
I sure the hell am.
Unfortunately my non-guitar readers, who missed the line up top (Guitar Content) are pulling out their hair and wondering when it will end (when they're out of hair).
Let's continue; shall we?


Pigtronix Disnortion   $50

Pigtronix makes some really interesting, off the path boxes, many with silly names. This is one of them.

The uniqueness of the pedal is in the name. It sounds like a decent fuzz (and I don't like fuzz). NEXT.


TC Helicon Harmony Singer 2   $200

TC makes some sweet stuff. I have the Flashback II, their multi delay box. Most of their pedals have Tone Print, where you can store your settings or input new settings with your phone. So if you ever see anyone with their phone pointed at their pickups, they're uploading a preset.  Or they're so stoned, they think they're making a call.

The Harmony Singer looked interesting, because it was... well.. a harmonizer. I have a weakness for harmonizers but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a blinky light thing. There's something to be said for playing Allman Brothers harmonized leads all by yourself.

When the video started, I realized I was hoodwinked: the pedal was for singers. Screw singers - it was in the guitar pedal category, meaning somebody was either going to have to pay tribute or die.

Since I'm a sucker, I let it continue. It's 10% of a guitar pedal, in that the pedal analyzes your guitar to make the singer's harmonies accurate. The demo, like all demos, was over the top, but it was damn fine. The guy had an acoustic and the lady sang. When she sang, a chorus of invisible angels sang along with her. Ok, that's pretty cool.  You can set the harmonies, level of harmonies, and flip the switch for Penis or Lack of Penis, so the pedal knows what range to use (ok, I might have made that up a little).

Since I'm not in a band now and it's rude for me to sing where people can hear me, I went to the next pedal.


Way Huge Conquistador Fuzzstortion Pedal   $80

Way Huge has the best model names in the industry. Crunchy Frog, Camel Toe, and Green Pickle come to mind.

I'm not sure what fuzzstortion is, but it sounded like a heavy fuzz and I still don't like fuzz. NEXT.



TC Electronic June 60 Vintage Analog Chorus   $49

This box is modeled after the chorus found on a old Juno synthesizer.
I don't know why.

It sounded halfway decent.
But... if you're going to put out an effect pedal, you should probably include more than two buttons and a footswitch. There were literally two pushbuttons for settings. No knobs. For sounds, you had SWITCH 1 ON, SWITCH 2 ON, BOTH SWITCHES ON. While this is most likely what was on the Juno synthesizer, guitar players like knobs that you can turn, making it a box with more than three settings.



Boss MT-2W Waza Metal Zone

Are you fricking kidding me?
I couldn't bear to watch the video.



TC Electronic Hall of Fame Mini Reverb   $100

Since I like the Flashback II, I figured I'd give it a go... I need a reverb anyway.
I thought it was a one trick pony with one knob, but it turns out they hid the switch that selects between four types of reverb. Pretty tricky.

The video explained the knob/switch combo and demoed one of the sounds for damn near 15 seconds.  Here I am, ready to drop $100 on a pedal and the demo doesn't show me what the other 3 reverb types sound like (they DO sound different). Nasty surprise - and this was a manufacturer video.


Digitech Mosaic Polyphonic 12 String   $145

I've heard a few pedals claiming to make your 6 string sound like a 12 string. Spoiler: they fail. They sound like shit, with nasty, buzzy highs that make it sound closer to a 12 string, like maybe an 8 string.

Two strums into the video and I was hooked.
I was hooked on reaching for the STOP knob. It sounded every bit as nasty high buzzy as every other 12 string emulator pedal.  This is probably because it has to shift the high strings up in pitch and it doesn't do this very well or realistically. Get a 12 string.


Boss JB-2 Angry Driver Overdrive   $199

This is a first: Boss teamed with JHS pedals for the JB-2, which combines a Blues Driver with the JHS Angry Charlie. They had a video with the head of Boss (couldn't speak English) and the JHS Dude (spoke English), respecting each other, listening to pedals, breadboarding pedals, and continuing to respect each other. There was a scene where they held hands while walking through the park.

The only logical fallacy was that they couldn't design a pedal because they couldn't communicate. One guy says, "I think we need more high end." The other one replies, "[Japanese]." And so went the design phase.

The Blues Driver is Boss' answer to the Tube Screamer, and sounds every bit as bad good. The shade of blue is a bit nicer than the Tube Screamer's green, so it has that going for it.  The Angry Charlie is red and has a lot of knobs. It's sort of a kind of Marshall Full Blown JCM800 style pedal, with a hair more subtlety. It sounds a lot like Andy Timmons, who sounds pretty good. Andy used and/or collaborated on this pedal until he went somewhere else recently. Andy also uses Mesa Boogies, which makes the balls to the wall Marshall box sound kinda strange. Further, JHS has managed a bad reputation with some pedal buyers for using existing designs, putting his name on them, and selling them for inflated prices. This is hearsay - I have not played the pedals or looked at the circuitry.

After the guys were done strolling through the park, it was time to hear the JB-2. Unfortunately they didn't include it. I know the Angry Charlie is a decent sounding box. The JB-2 has the 2 boxes, which you can run in either order.


Leslie G Pedal Leslie in a Box   $ 330

Companies have been trying to put a Leslie in a box since the beginning of time, because a real Leslie weighs as much as a house, and requires its own staff to move and maintain. It's worth it, though... the thing was attached to every Hammond Organ that ever got recorded, as well as Peter Frampton's rig. It can be heard on Beatles, Joe Walsh, and tons of other albums, with a guitar or keyboard through it. It is distinguished by being the size of a medium size fridge, usually in a nice wood finish, with a thingie that rotates inside the top part of it. It rotates slowly or quickly, which is switchable.

I wanted a Leslie, but my back wouldn't hear of it. Mrs lefty gave me permission to put it in the living room, next to the tube tester, but it wouldn't fit in the moving truck. I spent a year auditioning pedals that claimed to sound like a Leslie. Spolier: they didn't.

Go to YouTube and listen for yourself. Some sound good. Some not so good. You can spend $60 to $350 on them. They all have one thing in common: they sound pretty good on the fast speed, and almost imperceptible on the slow speed.

This pedal is a smaller version of the original, with more knobs or something.
The video was very clean and had no background noise. Unfortunately it had no frontground noise either. In fact, there was no video. I listened to the original box when I was doing comparisons and I'll say it didn't rank in the top 2. It's a sad irony that the company that makes the fridge-size box original can't quite put the sound in a tiny little box for guitar players.

Other spoiler: I bought the Hughes and Kettner Tube Rotosphere 2. It's got an honest to goodness 12AX7 tube, and sounded the best of any I heard. It even has a distortion control. Jeff Beck used one, so I figured I'm in good company. The only downside is that it's relatively huge. This isn't a problem for me because I never leave the house, but people with crowded pedalboards should probably get a lesser unit. It's not made anymore but you can find them on Ebay. I emailed H&K about getting more depth in the slow speed - answer pending.


TC Electronics Viscous Vibe Modulation Effects  $130

Everybody and their mother wants that Univibe tone, made famous by Jimi Hendrix (DRSS) and Robin Trower. Unfortunately the vintage Univibes haven't been made since Richard Nixon was in office and they're not for sale often. When they are for sale, you have to mortgage your house for one. I'm kidding - you have to mortgage your car. Manufacturers have been putting out Univibe clones for years, mostly sounding not too great and not like a Univibe. But at least they get a lot of money for them.

One of the biggies was the Microvibe. I tried it in a store, in a small room, where no one could disturb me. For fun, I had a Roger Mayer Voodoo Vibe next to it. Roger Mayer started out making pedals for Jimi Hendrix and has had his own line of pedals for years. There weren't a lot of controls on the Univibe or the Microvibe. The Mayer had more knobs than a home improvement store and is way beyond the understanding of most guitar players (and me). That said, the Mayer blew the Micro out of the water handily. Fortunately for me, it was used, so the price was merely ridiculous, and I still use it to this day.

The video was a combo of 2 boxes, the Viscous Vibe and their Phaser offering. The phaser sounded exactly like a phaser. It was astounding. They even loaded a TonePrint patch, which also sounded like a phaser. If you want a phaser, that box is definitely one. The Viscous Vibe is also a phaser, because Univibes and clones are special phasers (the knobs are loose but you better not make fun of them). It has 3 modes: chorus (Univibe), TonePrint, and Vibrato (nauseating pitch warbling, like you hear right before you have to throw up). As things go, the VV sounded decent. I'd want to compare it to several others, but it's a good sounding pedal, leaving no doubt as to what it's supposed to be doing. Decent price too.


Way Huge Conspiracy Theory   $135

Another great named pedal from Way Huge. I had to look at it, based upon the name alone. When I saw it, I knew what it was: a direct ripoff of the famous Klon pedal. Some nice fella made the Klon, which is a medium transparent overdrive, and started to go for absolutely obscene prices on the used market. I think he had stopped making them right before this. The Gear Nerds had a blast, claiming differences between the gold case and the silver case. Eventually, many pedal companies put out their own version. This is sad, because the original guy saw everybody making a ton of money on his design.  He eventually put out another version which was much less expensive, smaller, and in a red box. Naturally the Gear Nerds had a fit comparing the red one to the gold one. If you don't believe me, go to YouTube, where they compare every version ever made to the original. Electro Harmonix has their direct copy, the Soul Food, which goes for about $70. There are many others. Since they can't call themselves Klon, they have names like Klone, Archer (Klon has an archer logo), and others have a similar box with 3 knobs, like the Klon.

Yes, but what does it do?
It's actually a pretty nifty pedal. It's referred to as a medium transparent overdrive, but that's a small part of what it does, with a lot of syllables. Transparent refers to the pedal passing your original tone without messing it up, like most pedals do, especially fuzz and distortion. It's a medium because it doesn't have a ton of gain, but has enough. The pedal sounds pretty fine in front of most amps. You can use it to goose an already distorted amp, for a little grit, or for a cleanish boost. It is transparent - it gives you more of what you have, adding some fine-sounding dirt. You should probably pick one up at some point, because you need 12 overdrive/distortion/fuzzes on your board. And because it's pretty sweet, even at low settings.


Keeley Dark Side Workstation Multi Effects   $275

I knew this one already. It's Pink Floyd in a box - I'm not kidding.
It's got fuzz, delay, and modulation, and with a few knob changes, you can sound close to David Gilmour. Reminder: you will never play like David Gilmour. The price is damn fine for what you get - it would cost you a lot more to buy the 3 effects separately. Note: these are vintage-style 70s effects. You will want to listen to this pedal. I really like it, and I have no desire to be David Gilmour. The modulation gives you Flanger, Rotary Speaker (Leslie), U-Vibe (Univibe), and phaser effects.



Electro Harmonix Synth 9   $190

This is the 5th pedal in this series. You plug your guitar in and it sounds like a keyboard. Each pedal has a number of keyboards, and this one sounds like about 9 different popular synthesizers. You go from Moog (Lucky Man), to Oberheim (JUMP!), to Prophet 5 (tons of stuff) and others. To watch the demo is to be amazed. One of the reasons is that Bill Ruppert is very talented.

These pedals are light years ahead of the first guitar synths (I had an early converter). You don't need a converter, a special pickup, an additional box and pickup on the guitar, or to lug keyboards around. I wouldn't go so far as to say you can fire your keyboardist now, but you can get some interesting and popular tones out of these boxes. I'd probably go for one of the more generic boxes first, but they sound like what they're named after.

They come up used a lot, at better prices. I have a feeling that it's because of the rumor I heard about this series not tracking well. This was a huge problem with early guitar synths. So before you buy one, spend some time playing with it to make sure it does everything you want it to, and accurately.

Lastly, when you play keyboards, you sometimes have to think like a keyboardist. This can get hairy, because you can play adjacent notes on keyboards, which you can't on guitars (unless you have a 1 foot handspan, like Allan Holdsworth). So you have to pick your notes and inversions carefully. But it still sounds good generically.



MXR M77 Custom Badass Modified Overdrive   $100

I'm sorry - I refuse to review this on the basis that I can't tell the difference between the M78 Custom Badass 78 Distortion and the M77 Custom Badass Modified Overdrive. There are too many syllables and too many words, even though both have Badass in their names.

Ok, I watched the video.
It sounds like an MXR distortion/overdrive, which isn't a good thing.
It's got a 100Hz boost/cut knob and a Bump switch, which bumps up the mids, making it sound even worse. You Tube Screamer people might like the Bump.
It doesn't sound hideous, but that's not exactly a good marketing point.



J Rockett Audio Designs Majestic Overdrive   $200

The J Rockett people say this pedal captures Jimmy Page's tone on the How the West Was Won album. The video says it's designed to sound like a 1958 Les Paul into a cranked Marshall.

Quite frankly, it sounds like neither.

It's not a bad pedal at all. It just doesn't sound like its press would have you believe. I don't think it's worth $200. If it did sound like it was supposed to, it would be worth it. It's a nice, medium overdrive.

I'll have another go when I see something interesting.
Or the next time I've had too much to.....

I Love the Smell of Peanut Butter in the Morning

One of the symptoms of ADD/ADHD is when there is too much input at one time, one gets cranky, in an explosive kind of way.

While I'm doing some VIBW (Very Important Blog Work), my parents call. I know this because their ringtone is Zappa's Jewish Princess. It is their ringtone because they're neither Jewish nor princess. Suffice it to say that I can not discuss whose ringtone is Fat Bottom Girls, for my well being.

Since this is during working hours, nobody is supposed to call me, unless something is on fire. My sixth and seventh senses tell me nothing's on fire and my Special Training on Shitty New Software sold by the Boss' Daughter is about  to begin, I don't answer.

So I'm home from work, working. I'm talking to my workmate about something that was supposed to be clarified last week that is due tomorrow. My boss, bless him, is the nicest person I know. He does fourteen jobs at once. He asks for something, like a few slides on working environment, and we deliver. Before we deliver, we always have to nail him to his chair for five minutes to clarify that 'a few slides on working environment' means 'two full color PowerPoint slides for a presentation to a number of groups, on the topic of workflow in our specific little group.' He's truly the nicest person I know. Takes his kids to church three times a week. To synagogue twice a week. Every other week to a mosque.

My boss is not answering my workmate's pleas to clarify the last project, which has been going on for months, so we're less than optimistic about the project for tomorrow. We discuss this on our call, after working hours (which, as we know, may become illegal in New York). While we're talking, Marshall barks. He can always tell when there's work involved and it goes right to his bladder. So he barks and I start to growl.

Back on the phone, Workmate continues to talk, oblivious to the fact that I put the phone down 2 minutes ago. I get a few words in, when I hear silverware rattling. As I'm the only human home and Marshall can't open the door by himself, this is not good news. This is a rodent.

I'm horrified to admit this. But it's not my friggin fault. We're clean, don't leave food out, and wash dishes frequently. In the winter, they arrive all over the neighborhood, even in the antiseptic conditions of the (non-crazy) neighbor's house. If there's no food, what the hell attracts the little fuckers bastards? Warmth, probably. Apparently they like wires too. Aside from iron, I'm not sure why. We spent time over the winter mouse-proofing the house. Finally we found a hole and patched it. No more mice. Until today.

My growl is growing in volume and is starting to concern my workmate, who mentions it in an offhand way. I become aware of my overload just as I'm reaching through the phone to strangle him. No, I tell myself, that will have to wait til after the presentation tomorrow.

Back to our discussion, we're coming up with ideas and someone is knocking on the door. The schizophrenic with the guns knocks in morse code, so 'they' won't know he's here. This was a more defined, whimsical knock. It's a shame that the door doesn't have individual ringtones. Because of the whimsy, it could only be the wife. Last I heard, she had house keys, although the way things have been going lately, they're with everything else she lost. I say to myself CANT I GET A SIMPLE PHONE CALL DONE WITHOUT A FLYING TRAPEZE ACT SUDDENLY MATERIALIZING in the living room?

My wife does not simply walk into a room. Fran Drescher (more likely Joan Rivers') autobiography is called Enter Laughing. My wife's is called Enter Talking, Loudly. She does precisely this and it takes all sorts of hand signals and screaming to let her know I'm on a WORK CALL. Oh, sorry.

Back to my call. Three words in, Wife stands in front of me with a bag, like there's a tremendous surprise in it. She tries to hand it to me while I'm still taking. For some reason, I get REALLY MAD and try to convey, in hand signals, that I'M WORKING. STILL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED SINCE TWO MINUTES AGO, WHEN YOU WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR that I had to open because your keys fell into some sort of multi-dimensional vortex. Or you just think it's cute that I'll open the door for you.

There are all sorts of mouse traps. Glue (inhumane), regular old (not effective), variation on regular old, with a fake cheese-like step, and these White Things. The White Things are ferocious-looking beasts, with huge, pointy teeth, but all plastic. I have no idea how a mouse could get bait out of this thing, because it closes on my finger whenever I try to bait it. It's hair bloody triggered. Wife will not go within a ten foot radius of it when it's armed.

After my call, I go into the kitchen, where there is no mouse. This worked out well, as I don't like mice. I checked the trap. I'll give you one guess what I saw. Yes, the little #*@&er ate the peanut butter.  HA, I thought. I am going to win this war. I put fresh peanut butter in the trap, feeling like MacArthur. I love the smell of peanut butter in the morning.

On the way out of the kitchen, Wife wants to know where she put that bag, because she lost it.  It's now been fifteen minutes since she entered the house, and in that time, she has already misplaced the bag she carried in. Maybe it's in the car.... no, Dear, it's not in the car. I know this because you tried to give it to me repeatedly while I was on the phone. Oh. Did I?  I'm already through for the day and have given up rage, work, and looking for Stuff.

Apparently I had not given up grief, though.
My parents make a phone call and if no one answers, go right into Panic Mode<tm>. Because I didn't answer, they called Wife. Why hasn't she called in weeks? Does she no longer love them? [insert Charlie Brown teacher noises - wah wha wah wah.] When the first person fails to answer, they call the spouse, the kids, the landline, then the hospitals and police.

While she is regaling me with Tales of the Parents, I listen to their voicemail to me. "We were wondering what happened to Wife. She hasn't called in WEEKS and we thought something was wrong."

It's a good thing I didn't answer the phone.
'Weeks' actually means 'a few days'.
None of Wife's behavior, or for that matter, mine, is new.  So why is it a surprise every time? The parents are not 90 years old and they have their wits about them, or at least keep them in the trunk at all times.

Wife goes upstairs, probably to look for the previous item she lost, and I immediately find the bag she just lost. Friend texts from vacation, in Bangkok. I don't care how old you are, Bangkok is FUNNY. Try it with me: BANGKOK. BANGKOK. heh heh... he said Bangkok. I advised him that if he goes on any dates, he should check the plumbing first.

It is unnaturally quiet as I type this. I brace for imminent arrival of a train, in the living room, next to the Flying Trapeze Act, which is still packing up before going home.

Lefty Goes Delay Shopping

Guitar Center is usually a place I go when I know I want to be disappointed.  The area of lefty guitars has been well-trodden in this blog.  Every time I show up, there seems to be fewer of them.  But this time was different.  No, there were no more lefties... I'm just shocked that I did so well.

The topic of the month is delays, specifically analog delays.  For a while I relied on a Boss RV-3, which is a combination reverb/delay.  I discovered it had very low output level and I have no idea how to go about fixing it (no tubes), so I needed a new one.  I got a great hamfest deal on an ADA multi-fx box, which does flanging, chorus and delay.  It sounds ok, if a bit dated, but it's a rack mount device so it's not well suited for carrying around.

I did a lot of YouTube shopping.  YouTube is the greatest thing to happen to guitar in a long time.  If you want a guitar, amp or effects, odds are someone has a video featuring it.  Some even have comparisons.  After asking around further, I decided I wanted to try out the MXR Carbon Copy and the Electro Harmonix Memory Boy.

Guitar Center shocked the hell out of me by having the Carbon Copy, Way Huge Aqua Puss and a 4 knob red (T-rex/reptile?) Tap Delay used.  There was also a new Memory Boy.

Test rig was a generic white lefty Strat and a Blues Deluxe amp (close enough to my rig).  The Aqua Puss and Tap Delay were ok but failed to distinguish themselves.  The Carbon Copy was cool.  It had a nicer tone and more range as an effect.  Plus that cool, metallic green finish :)

The Memory Boy is one of the newer Electro Harmonix pedals.  They really have come a long way since the Big Muff and Memory Man.  They're doing very interesting things, including the Memory Boy.  I really liked this pedal the moment I plugged it in.  It's a normal analog delay but it also features modulation, so you can achieve anything from a slight chorus to an insane pitch change and vibrato.  It's almost like two pedals.  The tone, however, sold me.  It's not pure and it's not digital.  It's a little thick and colored.  The pedal was compact too.

My wife, who is not a musician, said there was only one choice: the Memory Boy.  Of course we know that my wife is easily entertained (by her choice in husbands).  She's also correct; it was the best of the bunch (for my application).

Financially it was an interesting decision:

• Tap Delay (used) - $99
• Aqua Puss (used) - $139
• Carbon Copy (used) - $90
• Memory Boy (new) - $139

Any of the delays would have performed adequately.  Had I purchased the Carbon Copy, I would not have been disappointed.  The Memory Boy just aced the others tonally, plus it had the added benefit of modulation.  

If I played a different instrument, I might have gone in a different direction, as the MB's output is definitely colored.  But this is exactly what I needed.  Aside from playing around with a chorus setting, the delay is probably going to be Set It and Forget It.  Others might like a more accurate (sterile) tone from their delay.

Your mileage will definitely vary - shop around, listen to the boxes on YouTube and play them in person.  Ask questions if you have them.

Rip My Face Off. Please.

A short time ago, the wife looked at me and asked what I thought about a beard.  I told her that it probably wouldn't look too good on her at this time.

After we got that straightened out, she explained that she thought it would look good on me and, equally important, would work well with my intense dislike of shaving.  I'm one of those guys who has baby smooth, highly sensitive skin.  It's irritable, like me, making shaving a real task.

So I went with it.  I knew that, sooner or later, I'd started the Dreaded Itch.  The Itch of Death<tm>.  A solid week in, I did not itch.  But I knew it was imminent.

A few days later it hit.  And when I say hit, I mean I wanted to shred my own skin and scratch my face with a concrete block.  My wife, ever helpful, suggested a number of skin care products, the best of which stopped the Itch of Death<tm> for up to five whole minutes.  I even tried hair conditioner in the shower, to no avail.

Then I did what all red-blooded citizens do - I went online.  I located a number of sites with helpful and largely not-so-helpful suggestions.  `Man up and deal with it for the magnificence of a beard' was often repeated and the least helpful of the bunch by far.    What do you mean it only lasts a week?

Shortly thereafter, I tried conditioner again and it worked.  Sort of.  I continue to monitor the situation because if I have to deal with this much longer, I might as well shave.  Meanwhile I'm getting all sorts of comments about the new, rugged, outdoorsy lefty.  Yes, that's me, the new, rugged, outdoorsy lefty, from the Great Indoors.

My dad said he didn't dislike it, which is odd, given that he's not fond of double negatives.  Mom liked it too (because she has to) and my boss took about two weeks to figure it out (and I sit right next to him).  It's ok, he has other things on his mind (and let's be honest, I don't need his comments to make my life complete).

So I have a beard.  And a communique from the Big Boss, sent to everyone via email.  Unfortunately I am unable to discern its meaning.  After asking around a bit, it would seem I am not the only one who cannot decipher the missive.  It is written in thirty point type across seven pages, with each paragraph taking approximately its own page.

Most people would say I'm not stupid, so it kinda smarts that I don't have the smarts to decode the Boss' email.  Our local scholars ascertained that all of the words are current English and have decent sentence structure.  On the whole it appears to be in English that anyone could understand, only no one can.  This led to rampant joking about the Big Boss having a taste for cannabis.

For the sake of science (and sociology), a coworker is going to do an experiment.  At her husband's next social gathering, where much cannabis will no doubt be consumed, she is going to print out the email and see if any of the Muddled Masses are able to understand or translate.  This should tell us, for better or worse, the alleged state of the Big Boss.

If the experiment proves positive, either the Big Boss will have to compose while straight or get a medical marijuana waiver for the entire corporation so we can understand his writing.

Let's Talk Musical Software

I was hanging around on Sourceforge the other night and did a little searching for music software.  The following is not an exhaustive list but they are all open source, free, and frequently multi-platform.  Download and let your musical freak flag fly!

INSTRUMENTS

open source Boss pedalboard controller: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

guitar tuner java applet: Win/Mac/linux

Linux and the Fender Mustang modeling amp
[no .NET or Silverlight required]

guitar effects: linux

guitar effects: Win/linux

Line6 PocketPOD editor: Win/Mac/linux

guitar effects DAW plugins: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

plugin pack for LADSPA, DSSI, LV2 and JACK

guitar amplifier: linux (JACK)

advanced drum machine: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

java drum machine: Win/Mac/linux

java organ builder: Win/Mac/linux

virtual midi piano keyboard: Win/Mac/linux

sound and music synthesis system: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

multitrack guitar tablature editor and player: Win/Mac/linux

music tabulature editor: BSD/linux

RECORDING

free reverb: VST

MIDI sequencer+notation editor: Win/linux

audio/midi multitracker: linux

simple yet powerful multitrack studio: Win/BSD/linux

complete music workstation: Win/Mac/linux

full featured, audio capable MIDI sequencer: Win/BSD/linux

complete a/v production environment: BSD/linux

fast multitrack recorder/editor: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

notation and composition: Win/BSD/Mac/linux

full studio: Win/BSD/linux