Tonight: Toasters and Bathtubs - Perfect Together?

Your love is like  a vat of expired stewed prunes

I have no idea why this came to mind, perhaps in a nightmare, but as a musical comedian, I played a lot of places, from wild to frightening. Mostly frightening. One night we were in a questionable area, near the famous Tower Theater. We took our gear down a few steps and thought nothing of it. The place turned out to be really large, like a huge almost underground bar. 

I saw an uninspiring (to be polite), overweight, scantily-clad lady walk by, and said to my cohorts, "Oh here come the strippers." Moments later, she was (sort-of) writing around a pole we never saw, behind the bar. Oh shit - I was right. Strippers. Overweight strippers. Scantily-clad overweight strippers. Oh my. It is said that there is no bad pizza or sex. There are, however, bad strippers. The phrase "Any stripper is a good stripper" never left anyone's mouth, along with "Sbarro - now that's real pizza."

This was our first encounter with strippers. If you asked me before I left for the gig, I'd tell you it would be the coolest gig ever.... strippers! Unfortunately (or fortunately), I had never spent a lot of time among strippers, so I had a certain image in mind. An image that was torpedoed by real-life images... images that I will never get out of my head. Images that will forever leap out whenever anybody says 'strippers,' even if we're talking really hot strippers. 

The second stripper was roughly equal to the first, except (thankfully) she had less apparent body area and it was better covered. After my misplaced enthusiasm for strippers, it occurred to me that we were performing after strippers. Ugly strippers. This is not an area conducive to comedy, except unintentional comedy, like this blog. Our career, such as it was, was down the toity. Fortunately there was no toity involved onstage, although we kept looking around for the sudden appearance of one.

After the gig, we packed up and went home, where we belonged, if there were strippers involved.

Albert Einstein said insanity was performing the same act over and over and expecting different results, like voting for democrats (or republicans) over and over. So years later, we were booked across the street from a bowling alley, where they had strippers. This was an official stripper joint, which gave me cold sweats when I realized the basement bar we played in was also an official stripper joint. Fortunately strip joints had evolved to an actual circuit, with really gorgeous women, who kept in shape. There was not an ugly one in the bunch. Some had even starred in actual movies. But it was still a strip joint. So we got to enjoy the sights and the girls were all very nice to us (not that nice, unfortunately). It was in the early days of video cameras, so we had one along to 'document' the gig. I got a bunch of the girls to sit around me and one to sit in my lap and fawn all over me. Who knew that my then girlfriend would react so negatively to the one girl on my lap, threatening to steal me away. 

One look at the video should dispel any thoughts that this was a real situation. You have a bunch of really attractive, fit women, and me. Unless I had millions of dollars or could lick my eyebrows, this simply wouldn't happen. Ever. Some girlfriends have no sense of humor.

We did play some nice places, like Princeton and the Howard Stern show, but not as often as we'd have liked. My 'show-biz career' explains why I'm in computer security.

New study looks again at how alcohol influences attraction

Alcohol doesn't cause attraction; it inhibits unattractiveness.

9/11 defendant unfit to stand trial, US judge rules

post-traumatic stress disorder, associated psychotic features and a delusional disorder - I didn't know Bush had degenerated to this state. Cheney's dead, so I guess Bush is the next obvious perp.

 

Google accused of directing motorist to drive off collapsed bridge

At some point, everyone has to take responsibility - except in the legal system.

I remember my battle with Google; all 3 sets of Google directions led me into water. I just figured it was personal and went my own way. 

It’s time for fall shots—and CDC is ready for anti-vaccine nonsense

Governmental entities that live in self-constructed glass houses should not throw surface to air missiles.

More than half of Americans plan to get updated COVID shot

Only 50%?

Ask questions, do research, make your own decisions. 

 

Everyone should get a COVID booster this fall, CDC says

Quite frankly, we're shocked  - America

Why sewage may hold the key to tracking diseases far beyond COVID-19

What a shitty job.  (sorry not sorry)

Your local water authority will soon install a shit-o-meter in your house, just to detect diseases - they swear. No other reason. Nothing to see here. It will sit right next to the 'smart' electric meter.

  

Judge in US v. Google trial didn’t know if Firefox is a browser or search engine

...leading any reasonable person to ask how a fair verdict could be reached

It's 2023, people - there is no longer an excuse for this kind of ignorance.

 

Cold Pop Tarts with a Warm Service Elephant

 Your love is like  watching Dr. Phil Drew Oz

• Remember: It's not art til I say it's art

You all know that dream, right? The one where you're in front of the entire school, without your pants? Apparently Glaxo Pfizer does too. In the commercial for their diarrhea pill, the entire band is onstage, then the singer has to run off to do some 'offstage singing'. The band stands there, touching themselves and waiting for the singer to come back so they can start playing. Life imitates art-art imitates life.

I actually had this happen to me, on the radio.

The singer was occupying a stall, which is great, when you have to. Unfortunately, the rest of us were waiting, counting down the seconds of a commercial, until we were to go live on a morning radio show. Fortunately for us, he made it with 3 seconds to spare. Maybe he shoulda taken one of those pills.... just sayin...

Stuff like that used to happen to us frequently, by which I mean a certain band member wasn't entirely with the plan. One guy would leave his wallet at gigs. Another, his pants. It's ok- he would change first. We would often have to have colleges send back his pants. Sometimes asking them to mail back pants was more fun than performing there. 

In an old band, a keyboardist walked off the stage in the middle of a song, to the bathroom. This was not normal behavior for band members, even my band members. I hoped he was ok, because he was a nice guy, and mostly because I couldn't play keyboards. Fortunately he returned. Unfortunately he had the sniffles. Not cold sniffles, induced sniffles. There was still some powder on his nose.

We used to do a lot of clever and up to date political material. We played at Princeton and were astounded when they loved us and turned our 30 minute set into over an hour. We realized we had to play for people with brains, which left out 96% of our audiences. The next gig was way up in Rhode Island. It's not like these folks weren't Princeton-level, but instead of laughing, they clapped along with the music, as if we were a band. And wore dirty white shirts.

So as long as we said penis a lot, they laughed. And poop, which is why we need those pills, so we weren't naked onstage.

When Joe Biden was informed of the MAGA rally, he immediately stood up and gave an impassioned speech. In the dark. Naked. 

The Secret Service is changing its mission. Instead of protecting the president from us, they're protecting us from the president. Kamala will do all the public speaking. If Joe tries, the Secret Service will surround him and cart him off, promising him he can fondle some constituents.

Today I identify as  Ed Gein's lampshade

I need help.

Of course you need help, you say.

Not that kind of help, thank you.

At some point in the day, in my office, I sometimes get tired. I've tried more coffee, which is usually the antidote for most things, but it doesn't work. I start nodding, while working. While this isn't explicitly frowned upon (and I have seen it when I used to work at the office), I don't like it. While napping is also not explicitly frowned upon (the lady who used to lay back in her chair and snore loudly is no longer there. She got promoted.), I'd rather not. At that point, it becomes a game of Try to Keep lefty Awake. I can sleep while standing, so that doesn't help. Someone suggested exercise, but I don't exercise (because it causes cancer). Eating sometimes helps, but if I ate when tired, I'd look like one of those hotties from My 600lb Life. At this point, it becomes self-abuse. No, not the kind you do in the bathroom. Snapping a rubber band against myself, hitting myself with a hammer, popping Mrs lefty's bra strap, driving small nails into my leg, phony threats to the White House, that sort of thing. Here's the weird part....  the moment I clock out, I'm wide awake. I like my job. There are many things to do. I even stopped harassing HR (although they keep inviting me back).

I read about a power nap, which is 20 minutes. This is just silly... there is no power in a 20 minute nap. In fact, all the other naps laugh at it because it isn't long enough, just like all your coworkers will laugh at you for sleeping at work. A 40 minute nap is a sleep cycle - I can do that on my back. But we just wake up, wanting more, which is why this is an Intermediate Power Nap. If you lay there for an hour or 2, that is some serious napping, yessir.  Plus your reputation at work will be well worth it. This Ultra Mega Nap will refuel your engines and is highly recommended if you don't like your job. The only downside of this type of nap is that you won't be tired at bedtime, and will wind up taking it out on those closest to you, like your spouse. This can fail spectacularly.

So I keep asking me why I am no longer tired. Perhaps after 5 I'm Stealth Tired - I'm tired but just don't know it. Since I have no answer, I nap, just in case. The public school system does not go into napping, which is but 1 of its many shortcomings. 

• The CEO of Waymo says building driverless cars is harder than rocket science.
• their internal motto is Mow em Down  

I'm a simple man. A simply complex man. A complexly non-simple man. A man who should get on with this thought ASAP...

We love our phones.. most of us. The thing we don't love is spam, specifically the calls. The worst are the calls where the phone numbers are spoofed with your prefix (if your number is 215-512-4555, the calls show up as 215-512-xxxx).  Yesterday I watched one spoofer try over ten numbers. Each was blocked and my phone never rang. I was deliriously happy (it doesn't take much). 

Yes, it's the little things.

Mainstream or Pr0n: Suggestible You, I Suck at Table Games, Made in Bangladesh, The Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls

As it expands to 12 more states, Comcast data cap is blasted by Congress.

You know me - business shouldn't be interfered with.

However, Comcast got into cities with sweetheart deals, so there would be little or no competition. We have some of the most expensive cable in the world for this reason.

• Verizon delayed its decision to shut down their 3G network.
• Probably because their 4G and 5G networks are so flaky.

Dell's new monitors come with a dedicated Teams button. If you're too lazy to push it, you can use the built in mic and Cortana.

Dell starts with D. Know what else starts with D? Drugs.

• The Grammys have been moved back to March due to Flying AIDS fears. 
• Now you can wait til March to say Why does anybody watch this shit?

Conflict has made Afghanistan an unlikely tourist destination. 

Tourism in Afghanistan? Only the CIA visits Afghanistan. And way too many of our troops, but not for tourism.

Come to Afghanistan for the Realistic War Noises, Stay for the Poppies

• With the historic election in Georgia, the New York Post's main story is Kim and Kanye splitting up. Are you starting to get it yet? At least mainstream media used to pretend it was relevant. Now all the pretense has been dropped.
• Meanwhile, Wendy has gone live until the crisis passes.

In yet another twitter apology, someone mentioned 'the privilege of not living an an abusive family.' Do you think Victim Culture has perhaps gone too far? Your uncommon and very unfortunate happenings do not confer privilege upon me. I sure as hell feel horrible for the victims and their families, but I do not enjoy the privilege of not being murdered. You?

That Flying AIDS vaccine?

The Moderna vaccine was developed with federal (our) dollars, then we get charged $15 per dose, x 2 doses. Initially Moderna wanted $32-37, then it got shamed down to $25-27, then shamed to a final price of $15 per. Pfizer did not take federal money and charges $19.50 per.

Someone recently lamented the time it will take to vaccinate all of our area. Mrs lefty piped right up and said no problem, they can have hers. How can you possibly argue with a woman like that (in spite of her taste in men)?

The CDC said severe allergic reactions to Flying AIDS vaccines are extremely rare. They also said everyone gets cotton candy and a $20 bill with their shot.

Here's something you don't see every day: liquid glass discovered as new state of matter.  Also discovered: Mexican food farts, which differ from regular farts. Vegetarian farts, which differ from Mexican food farts. Frog in a Blender (guacamole). 

Amazon, paragon of virtue and leader in fair treatment of its employees, will direct $2 billion in loans and grants for affordable housing near 3 cities where it employs thousands of workers. This is quite fair, and a real public relations coup. The only quibble is in definitions:

• Affordable housing: under $2 million per house in California
• Near 3 cities: within 160 miles, with no public transportation or public bathrooms
• $2 billion in loans and grants: $1.95 billion in high-interest loans, $.05 billion in grants
• Grants: loans

Jeff Bezos is so phenomenally wealthy, his ex-wife wants to marry him again. 

Then divorce him again.

SJW Simplitude 

How schools can reduce excessive discipline of black students.

"The line of supposed troublemakers skews black and male."

Wait, let me step in with a wild guess: because the troublemakers were black and male? Also notice that no notice was paid to reducing excessive discipline of male students.

I used to do this - I wound up with huge dental bills. But I never wound up putting that look on women...

Tonight at the Wells Fargo Center: The Cancerous Cockers

Please update your operating systems and everything else you use. A ton of vendors have released patches for serious vulnerabilities.



After reviewing the series, I've decided that the Lifetime Achievement in Acting Award should go to John Astin, for his portrayal of Gomez Addams. He simply was Gomez. Even in other roles, he was still Gomez.

Curious, I looked Lurch up. Ted Cassidy's biggest role was Lurch, but he acted in other shows and did a lot of voiceovers. He was also a newsman, reporting during the JFK assassination. At 6'9" (259 grams British), he towered over other actors (and most other things, except certain tall trees and Alec Baldwin's ego).



Dear lefty:

• What did it take to be a successful musical comic?
• After spending over 15 years in the business, I have no friggin idea. I'll let you know, should I become one.

Signs You're Getting Old

You find yourself watching ancient reruns of Laugh-In. And they refer to the future as 1990.

You discover a tv station that runs 1970s game shows. And you watch it.

As a teen,  you had the LOUDEST stereo in the entire city. Now you scream, "TURN THAT NOISE DOWN!"

Dazed and Confused is no longer a Led Zeppelin song - it's your reality.

You remember Cher's original face

You know Robin Williams said "Nanoo nanoo."

Social Media involved a modem and dialup bulletin boards (BBSes)

You had to look stuff up in a strange building called a library.

Yes, of Course

If you get a chance, check out the Yes, Live at the Apollo video.

It was a very pleasant surprise... featuring Rick Wakeman, Trevor Rabin, and Jon Anderson. Who the hell knows how many different versions of Yes there were.  Rabin was excellent - I had no idea. He handled Steve Howe parts, as well as his own stuff, with grace and accuracy. Everything the members did was spot on and I'm not a rabid Yes fan.

If you're not fond of Yes, I highly recommend avoiding it.

• How is the current cancerous cocker? Penny is a little subdued the day after her chemo, but doing well. 

WTF is going on with the Boeing 737 Max crashes and the FAA review?

Don't we all have a 100% interest in keeping the planes in the air?

Boeing claims no knowledge of the flaw in testing.

Some pilots claim they spoke to Boeing before the crashes.

I've heard it said that Boeing failed to explain a feature/function to pilots, but don't understand the whole story well enough to say.

• Congrats to our president, for refusing to sign an international agreement on curbing 'hate speech' and extremism on social media. It's freedom of speech, plus the government has no business there.
• On the other side, the president asked for stories of censorship on social media. Again, the government has no business there. They are private entities.

Certain things we don't need to see on tv or magazines:

Underwear and lingerie for fat women (Curvy is the PC term).

Bladder leak panties on a model.

Cellulite hiding products, featuring a large woman with cellulite.

Cosmetic products claiming most people felt it did what it was claimed to do. In small letters, they disclose that it was 77% of 32 people. It didn't even have to work - the people just felt it worked.