Your love is like watching Dr. Phil Drew Oz
- Remember: It's not art til I say it's art
You all know that dream, right? The one where you're in front of the entire school, without your pants? Apparently Glaxo Pfizer does too. In the commercial for their diarrhea pill, the entire band is onstage, then the singer has to run off to do some 'offstage singing'. The band stands there, touching themselves and waiting for the singer to come back so they can start playing. Life imitates art-art imitates life.
I actually had this happen to me, on the radio.
The singer was occupying a stall, which is great, when you have to. Unfortunately, the rest of us were waiting, counting down the seconds of a commercial, until we were to go live on a morning radio show. Fortunately for us, he made it with 3 seconds to spare. Maybe he shoulda taken one of those pills.... just sayin...
Stuff like that used to happen to us frequently, by which I mean a certain band member wasn't entirely with the plan. One guy would leave his wallet at gigs. Another, his pants. It's ok- he would change first. We would often have to have colleges send back his pants. Sometimes asking them to mail back pants was more fun than performing there.
In an old band, a keyboardist walked off the stage in the middle of a song, to the bathroom. This was not normal behavior for band members, even my band members. I hoped he was ok, because he was a nice guy, and mostly because I couldn't play keyboards. Fortunately he returned. Unfortunately he had the sniffles. Not cold sniffles, induced sniffles. There was still some powder on his nose.
We used to do a lot of clever and up to date political material. We played at Princeton and were astounded when they loved us and turned our 30 minute set into over an hour. We realized we had to play for people with brains, which left out 96% of our audiences. The next gig was way up in Rhode Island. It's not like these folks weren't Princeton-level, but instead of laughing, they clapped along with the music, as if we were a band. And wore dirty white shirts.
So as long as we said penis a lot, they laughed. And poop, which is why we need those pills, so we weren't naked onstage.
When Joe Biden was informed of the MAGA rally, he immediately stood up and gave an impassioned speech. In the dark. Naked.
The Secret Service is changing its mission. Instead of protecting the president from us, they're protecting us from the president. Kamala will do all the public speaking. If Joe tries, the Secret Service will surround him and cart him off, promising him he can fondle some constituents.
Today I identify as Ed Gein's lampshade
I need help.
Of course you need help, you say.
Not that kind of help, thank you.
At some point in the day, in my office, I sometimes get tired. I've tried more coffee, which is usually the antidote for most things, but it doesn't work. I start nodding, while working. While this isn't explicitly frowned upon (and I have seen it when I used to work at the office), I don't like it. While napping is also not explicitly frowned upon (the lady who used to lay back in her chair and snore loudly is no longer there. She got promoted.), I'd rather not. At that point, it becomes a game of Try to Keep lefty Awake. I can sleep while standing, so that doesn't help. Someone suggested exercise, but I don't exercise (because it causes cancer). Eating sometimes helps, but if I ate when tired, I'd look like one of those hotties from My 600lb Life. At this point, it becomes self-abuse. No, not the kind you do in the bathroom. Snapping a rubber band against myself, hitting myself with a hammer, popping Mrs lefty's bra strap, driving small nails into my leg, phony threats to the White House, that sort of thing. Here's the weird part.... the moment I clock out, I'm wide awake. I like my job. There are many things to do. I even stopped harassing HR (although they keep inviting me back).
I read about a power nap, which is 20 minutes. This is just silly... there is no power in a 20 minute nap. In fact, all the other naps laugh at it because it isn't long enough, just like all your coworkers will laugh at you for sleeping at work. A 40 minute nap is a sleep cycle - I can do that on my back. But we just wake up, wanting more, which is why this is an Intermediate Power Nap. If you lay there for an hour or 2, that is some serious napping, yessir. Plus your reputation at work will be well worth it. This Ultra Mega Nap will refuel your engines and is highly recommended if you don't like your job. The only downside of this type of nap is that you won't be tired at bedtime, and will wind up taking it out on those closest to you, like your spouse. This can fail spectacularly.
So I keep asking me why I am no longer tired. Perhaps after 5 I'm Stealth Tired - I'm tired but just don't know it. Since I have no answer, I nap, just in case. The public school system does not go into napping, which is but 1 of its many shortcomings.
- The CEO of Waymo says building driverless cars is harder than rocket science.
- their internal motto is Mow em Down
I'm a simple man. A simply complex man. A complexly non-simple man. A man who should get on with this thought ASAP...
We love our phones.. most of us. The thing we don't love is spam, specifically the calls. The worst are the calls where the phone numbers are spoofed with your prefix (if your number is 215-512-4555, the calls show up as 215-512-xxxx). Yesterday I watched one spoofer try over ten numbers. Each was blocked and my phone never rang. I was deliriously happy (it doesn't take much).
Yes, it's the little things.
Mainstream or Pr0n: Suggestible You, I Suck at Table Games, Made in Bangladesh, The Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls
As it expands to 12 more states, Comcast data cap is blasted by Congress.
You know me - business shouldn't be interfered with.
However, Comcast got into cities with sweetheart deals, so there would be little or no competition. We have some of the most expensive cable in the world for this reason.
- Verizon delayed its decision to shut down their 3G network.
- Probably because their 4G and 5G networks are so flaky.
Dell's new monitors come with a dedicated Teams button. If you're too lazy to push it, you can use the built in mic and Cortana.
Dell starts with D. Know what else starts with D? Drugs.
- The Grammys have been moved back to March due to Flying AIDS fears.
- Now you can wait til March to say Why does anybody watch this shit?
Conflict has made Afghanistan an unlikely tourist destination.
Tourism in Afghanistan? Only the CIA visits Afghanistan. And way too many of our troops, but not for tourism.
Come to Afghanistan for the Realistic War Noises, Stay for the Poppies
- With the historic election in Georgia, the New York Post's main story is Kim and Kanye splitting up. Are you starting to get it yet? At least mainstream media used to pretend it was relevant. Now all the pretense has been dropped.
- Meanwhile, Wendy has gone live until the crisis passes.
In yet another twitter apology, someone mentioned 'the privilege of not living an an abusive family.' Do you think Victim Culture has perhaps gone too far? Your uncommon and very unfortunate happenings do not confer privilege upon me. I sure as hell feel horrible for the victims and their families, but I do not enjoy the privilege of not being murdered. You?
That Flying AIDS vaccine?
The Moderna vaccine was developed with federal (our) dollars, then we get charged $15 per dose, x 2 doses. Initially Moderna wanted $32-37, then it got shamed down to $25-27, then shamed to a final price of $15 per. Pfizer did not take federal money and charges $19.50 per.
Someone recently lamented the time it will take to vaccinate all of our area. Mrs lefty piped right up and said no problem, they can have hers. How can you possibly argue with a woman like that (in spite of her taste in men)?
The CDC said severe allergic reactions to Flying AIDS vaccines are extremely rare. They also said everyone gets cotton candy and a $20 bill with their shot.
Here's something you don't see every day: liquid glass discovered as new state of matter. Also discovered: Mexican food farts, which differ from regular farts. Vegetarian farts, which differ from Mexican food farts. Frog in a Blender (guacamole).
Amazon, paragon of virtue and leader in fair treatment of its employees, will direct $2 billion in loans and grants for affordable housing near 3 cities where it employs thousands of workers. This is quite fair, and a real public relations coup. The only quibble is in definitions:
- Affordable housing: under $2 million per house in California
- Near 3 cities: within 160 miles, with no public transportation or public bathrooms
- $2 billion in loans and grants: $1.95 billion in high-interest loans, $.05 billion in grants
- Grants: loans
Jeff Bezos is so phenomenally wealthy, his ex-wife wants to marry him again.
Then divorce him again.
SJW Simplitude
How schools can reduce excessive discipline of black students.
"The line of supposed troublemakers skews black and male."
Wait, let me step in with a wild guess: because the troublemakers were black and male? Also notice that no notice was paid to reducing excessive discipline of male students.
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| I used to do this - I wound up with huge dental bills. But I never wound up putting that look on women... |
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