My Service Elephant's Packages Haven't Arrived via USPS Either

Your love is like  the exhaust at NASCAR races

 

Yeah, it's not only me, even though I'm more amusing to read complaints from.

Firing up my trusty duckduckgo.com, because Google tracks you, I looked up who regulates the Post Office. You'll love this - they're called the Postal Regulatory Commission. If you have a complaint, send it to them. I figure we can start here, then go further up the chain if necessary. Where further up the chain is, I have no idea. Might be a chipmunk. Might be The Regulatory Commission of the Postal Regulatory Commission. Might be a Congresscritter on a commission. I figure it's time to do something. The squeaky wheel gets.... silenced.

You're not gonna believe this.....THE PACKAGES ARRIVED! Only 32 days after they were mailed. It's a new USPS speed record. In fact, the USPS is implementing a new standard: if your package is not received in 30 days, there will be no charge for the receiver.

So it looks like the huge government hack was the Russians after all.

We need to use this for every little thing we can squeeze out of it:

• No, Dear, I wasn't screwing that girl - it was the Russians.
• The dog didn't chew up your $800 purse - it was the Russians.
• I vacuumed, but the Russians dirtied it up again.

See how this works? Leave me a comment stating how the Russians did it to you.

Today I identify as  a boy demanding to join the Girl Scouts

SERIOUS NOTE: rape is rape, regardless of who's doing the raping

Hey lefty - what Zappa concert are you watching right now?

Funny you should ask if Humor Belongs in Music. The answer is, of course, ABSOLUTELY. If you ever wondered what a conductor does, watch Frank's arms. He's So Gay is hysterical.

Frank died of prostate cancer, a very treatable cancer. The docs screwed him over and didn't catch it til too late. Get yourself checked - ask your doctor. If you die, that's one less reader for the blog. I can't afford that.

Dear lefty 

• I fell down on my backside and the doctor said I broke my coccyx. Now my girlfriend won't give me any without a doctor's note. What do I do?
• buy her a dictionary and get her really drunk

Can onboard rollercoasters save the cruise industry?

I need to get a consultant job in cruising. I could clean up.

Let's start with the Flying AIDS thing. You put a load of people on a boat at this time, and it will return with many people infected with the Flying AIDS. This is kind of an important thing. Once past this minor hitch, I predict cruises will return to popularity. Business will actually improve, as people, sick and tired of being cooped up in their houses, will pay exorbitant amounts to be cooped up in a very small cabin on a ship. But at least there's shuffleboard.

Rollercoasters are a great addition to a ship, as well as other amusement park rides. There will be the requisite cameras to catch your face, as you plummet down the track. The cameras will also catch the spectacular effects when these rides fail. Can you imagine the rollercoaster having a 'bit of a problem'? The cars will be sailing out into the sea. The log flume will be spectacular, the way it flies down the track, right into the sea. Of course there will be pictures. The pictures will be even better when they get your face realizing you're about to hit the water and the chances of drowning are incredibly high (you can't swim). There's a great chance for a room upgrade, as some of the wealthier passengers plunge to their death on one of the rides. Somebody forgot to secure the track on the bumper cars, so they too go right into the sea. The children? We didn't forget the children. The very slow train jumps the tracks and, you guessed it, falls right off the end of the ship, into the sea. On the odd chance the children are saved, they will probably want to do it again. The captain advises against it.

Yes, my consulting gig will net me millions. In lawsuits.

Mainstream or Pr0n?:  I Am Not an Easy Man, The Nice Guys, Bus Simulator

• Faceyspaces is removing content supporting the belief that the election was stolen from Trump. If you type "stop the steal," it will be removed. Thank you, Faceyspaces, for protecting us from more words. Drop the FB. No matter your beliefs, you're allowed to believe them. And comment on them.
• An Idaho internet service provider blocked Faceyspaces and Twitter because of censorship. Subscribers would have to opt-in to access them.

The tech that will put your car's gauges on the windshield is interesting, and not without its critics. I'm willing to take a look.. perhaps the fact that it is in your line of sight will be helpful, instead of looking down at your dashboard. I don't necessarily see this as a problem. However, the input for X-Box games IS a problem.

• Yelp will now allow you to tattle on places that don't enforce masks and social distancing
• I have yet to have a positive experience with Yelp, and will page down to purposely get past it. It's a virtual home for trash to get back at a restaurant that didn't bring them enough napkins fast enough or refused to properly fellate the diner.

Trumpie has gone quiet since the rednecks ravaged the Capitol. In his case, quiet is worse than noisy. Doesn't it make you wonder what he's up to? Has anybody checked the ICBMs? Have they been repointed recently? Check the Biden/Harris inauguration chairs for superglue. Batteries still in Pelosi's breathing unit? Any flat limo tires? Toilet paper left in DC?

The FBI warned that Trump supporters are planning armed protests ahead of Biden inauguration. This means the FBI has been handing out a lot of weapons lately. Hint: check for MAGA hats, d00ds.

 

In an effort to make friends and generate positive press, Whole Foods (where one cannot buy an Oreo) is cutting workers' 15 minute breaks to 10 minutes.

We are standardizing our expectations for meal and rest periods across the company to maximize Team Member safety and productivity... 

I don't have the necessary lack of IQ and cruelty to get into Manglement, but I was wondering exactly how safety is maximized by taking away break time. Is Whole Foods saying their employees get less drunk on a 10 minute break than a 15 minute break? 

In totally unrelated news, Whole Foods is cutting insurance for its employees to make them safer. The theory is that if employees are not insured well, they'll perform their jobs more safely. The corporation also cut salaries for all retail employees for safety, security, and job satisfaction reasons. The entire retail employees union is breathlessly awaiting the explanation on this one. Next week, the Amazon-owned corporation will announce timers on bathroom stalls for job safety.

In an online scanner group, I watched people rush to help a guy with autism. Recently, I saw a guy ask a question, embarrassed because he was heading into senile dementia. The answers were fast and many, the guy was overjoyed. This is the real power of online interaction.

Reddit is Satan's Shithole, but I've seen some incredible acts of kindness. 

Twitter is Hell in under 300 characters, but at least you can get some abuse from someone, all day, any day. If the generic insults aren't good enough, you can always get your sexuality questioned. And no matter what you type, you're wrong.

Social media..... it's great!

Ipswitch, Australia has approximately 1 female garbage truck driver. The local council is designing a new female-only driver program to attract more women to the waste industry.

Why? Is anyone stopping them from applying?

SJW SMOKIN'

Not only isn't Google keeping up with its promised black hiring, it isn't hiring from historically black colleges and universities. Wow, that's impressive. Google not only has to hire a minority, but from certain schools. America's the best.

as if the Flying AIDS weren't bad enough..