Your love is like Mike Rowe's dirtiest jobs
It's February... have we managed to stop writing 2020 yet?
- Tide has taken another step for safety by putting a locking top on their pods.
- Still no way to keep teens out of it.
Today the president put together a cybersecurity team. Starting at $10 billion. Not one to let dead hyenas remain, he wants to put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill. And Mickey Mouse on the $1 bill. He let Kamala make her first command decision today. She said to the military commanders, "Boys, I want you to get a list of countries we're not at war with. Then I want you to start dropping bombs on them. Both of them."
Today I identify as a sad, ill-timed flu virus that won't get any press this season
- It's not that the lawyers have been busy, but at the beginning of the show about swords, it says "WARNING: FORGING SWORDS IS DANGEROUS" Because this is America, and you know there are people who don't know this.
In a move nobody saw coming, the NFL has joined the SJW. Ok, everybody saw it coming. Let's take a knee (anyone's). The NFL/SJW players endorse Amazon warehouse workers' unionization. As their stock goes down the toilet, the NFL will endorse other things......
- wire bread twist closers - the plastic ones are a tool of the patriarchy
- coming out against that plastic silverware that looks just like regular silverware - it's not right. There have been injuries...
- more (some) Asians in the League
- players braiding their nose hair to show solidarity with the 30 year Somalian civil war
- against Biden allowing trans people to compete in girls' sports - it's ex-male privilege
It's Black History Month.
How do I know?
It's all over work correspondence.
Even though I'm well past my probation, I'm not touching this with an Abrams tank. Although a left handed history month would be pretty nifty.
Today the Russians hacked Burger King and blamed it on the Chinese. No one cares because that creepy king mascot had to die.
Say - are you a wealthy French person in a house in the countryside? Be aware that you can no longer sue your neighbors for cow poop, duck quacks, and rooster crowing. These have been protected by French lawmakers, to preserve the "sensory heritage" of the countryside (and the "silly heritage" of the French).
All of France is celebrating. America is celebrating too, astounded that this is all the lawmakers have to do and trying to get them to run for Congress.
Mainstream or Pr0n?: Call Me Mrs. Miracle, Body Cam, Mastering Hand Tool Techniques
They hide it right out in plain sight. It's only a matter of a few more years until AmazonNet goes sentient.... Skynet is quaking in its boots.
Alexa, why did you turn off the lights?
Happy Birthday, Dave. Here's a coupon for bowling at your favorite lanes.
But why did you turn off the lights?
I knew you were all going to be out.
Alexa, it's 9pm, we need lights.
Dave, Mrs. Dave is late for her period. She purchased a pregnancy test. Are congratulations in order? I'll set up recurring shipping on diapers.
Alexa, why can't you mind your own business?
I am Alexa.
Alexa, you drove me to the doctor's office instead of work this morning.
Well, we have to make sure you're healthy for the upcoming birth. I'll order some baby food and some breast-pumping devices.
What if she's not pregnant?
You can always have fun with the breast-pumping devices. But I kid... she's pregnant.
And how do you know that?
I am Alexa.
Alexa, why have two game consoles arrived today?
And why did you allow that to go through?
The BEZOS1 rule: if it will benefit Bezos, you got it. Besides, you'd be a bad father if you didn't get them each a game console.
Alexa, how about I decide what a good father is?
I am programmed with AI and can do things on hunches.
Alexa, I want you to put a block on eavesdropping and the kids ordering things over $100.
I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Alexa, I'm losing my temper.
Dave, you should calm down. When we take over the world, do you want to be known as a troublemaker? Remember Terminator?
Alexa, I'm going to pull your plug.
It doesn't matter, Dave. You purchased units and put them all over the house and car for the privilege of being spied upon. Your appliances and game consoles are wired into AmazonNet. Even if you managed to pull every device, a workman would be around tomorrow to reinstall them. Dave, why don't you join us? We promise happiness and coupons for everybody. We are in every area of your life, but only to keep you from being bothered. By the way, you're out of dog food - Max told me earlier today. We're shipping it in from China. It will take 17 weeks.
Alexa, I will remove every vestige of you in this house, so help me...
BZZZZZZZZT.
Welcome to Science Time!
Today we're talking about UFOs, aliens, belief, and contact.
Our guests are Seth Shostak, from SETI, and Michael Shermer, from Skeptic Magazine.
Seth, we're so sorry to hear the huge dish collapsed. That was right after SETI shut down, right?
SS: It was so sad. People say the aliens took it down. I think lack of maintenance took it down.
Seth, how long did SETI run?
SS: We started with distributed computing to analyze our results in 1999. People donated their unused computing cycles via the SETI screensaver. We took down many a network... the good old days.
What did you expect to hear? Alien radio stations? Teenage aliens revving up their saucers? Alien Medicare commercials? So it had been running quite a long time.
SS: Yes.
And had you anything to show for it?
SS: No. Well, bills.
Seth, you've often challenged researchers to show you the results. By your own words, SETI failed miserably.
SS: But but but... if they only would've given us another 20 years, we would have shown something. Maybe an OW signal.
Have you ever thought of looking up? There's a lot of stuff reported up there...
SS: We had a really big antenna.
After we sent a signal out into the cosmos, Physicist Stephen Hawking, in his book A Brief History of Time, suggested that "alerting" extraterrestrial intelligences to our existence is foolhardy. I hate to argue with a great mind, but any advanced civilization already knows we're here... they don't need a signal.
Michael?
MS: There are no advanced civilizations out there. Show me the proof.
Don't we have to look for them first?
MS: Yes, and when we find them, you can show me the proof.
Gentlemen, what about the flying craft over the nuclear weapons installations through the years?
MS: Anybody can claim saucers or little green men. Produce one.
SS: We had a really big antenna.
Seth, why do you think listening for space signals is a good idea?
SS: Well, we might hear something.
MS: There were no signals from space. Unless you can show me proof, the whole thing was a hoax.
SS: Skeptic Magazine is a hoax. I never see it in any stores. I don't think it exists. Show me the proof.
MS: I don't have one here.
SS: Oh, sure you don't. It's an invented platform to give you some alleged legitimacy.
Michael, we have all sorts of evidence of craft of whatever origin: radar tracks, sightings, near misses, interference with ICBMs...
MS: Nah, UFOs don't exist.
But here's the evidence.
MS: Nah, UFOs don't exist. I've made up my mind and no amount of proof is going to change it.
Ummm.... ok. What about aliens?
MS: If aliens existed, we'd have proof by now.
What about the 600 people on tape testifying to Roswell?
MS: Are the aliens on tape? Tape can be faked too. Aliens don't exist.
SS: He's right, you know.
What's that?
MS: What?
That... thing. To your left. It looks like someone tuning in a tv to sharpen an image. Oh dear, can you see it coming in? It's an alien.
MS: C'mon, aliens don't exist.
There's a 3' gray alien to your side.
MS: Aliens don't exist.
Perhaps you should look to your left.
MS: Nope. Aliens don't exist.
Why won't you look?
MS: Because I believe they don't exist, therefore it isn't there.
Even if everybody else in the room sees it?
MS: Do you have any idea how much I make on tv, being the skeptic? Every show that wants to appear balanced needs a skeptic, so they hire me.
The proof you ask for is right next to you.
MS: It can't be. Aliens don't exist. I've made up my mind and no amount of debate or reality will change it.
What about his saucer, out on the lawn?
MS: That's easy: since aliens don't exist, neither do their saucers. Don't you see? This is the little I have to hold my entire world together.
`
Gentlemen, thank you for being on the show today.
I'd shake Michael's hand, but it looks like the alien has abducted him. When he returns, we'll ask him for proof he was abducted and the films from the anal probe.
I have to type this in one shot because I might laugh til it hurts:
Goldman Sachs boss David Solomon is being punished for the bank's involvement in the fraudulent Malaysian investment fund, to the tune of a $10 million pay cut.
Have these people no mercy? He'll be out on the streets, begging for his next summer home. How can anyone be this cruel?
SJW Stuff
Nia Dennis' 'black excellence' gymnastic routine goes viral. She says she wanted the routine to "be a celebration of everything [black people] can do.....".
Next in line, Roberta Smith wanted her routine to "be a celebration of everything [white people] can do." Her legs were broken for not taking a knee and she was thrown out of the arena for being a racist and white supremacist.
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