Fetch the Royal Ball Peen Hammer, Jeeves

 Your love is like a large bag of flour, complete with moths

So those British Royals are a strange bunch. I bet you didn't know there was a scandalous affair involving Sir lefty. It was well covered-up, and for good reason.

There was a Royal Daughter. No, really. Like some of the other ingrates Royal children, she wasn't above a bit of a dalliance, or even a bit of marital bliss, with a commoner. Even a commoner who was dead common. Even a common commoner from the colonies.

We met on my trip to England.  I was visiting all the really stupid places everybody goes: Beatles Tour, Guinness Tour, boiled fatty food tour, but they did nothing for me. After some digging, I found an Old Britcom Tour, which took people to interesting places like where Peter Cook insulted his teachers, where the Pythons had their unmentionably rude sendoff for Graham Chapman, and several places where Harvey Nigel Baines was nailed up by Diana. This was the tour for me, having grown up on Old Britcoms.

On the tour, I met a kindred spirit called Agnes. Such a lovely name. Being an anglophile, I'd talk to anyone with a British accent. I was in luck, as British accents were significantly more common over there. Agnes knew all the sites and names of the actors. She had me beat by miles. Her teeth were perfect. I was smitten.

After the tour, she took me round her place and we continued our revelry. It was a really nice place, the kind I can never afford, nor do I want to go. We watched videos of Waiting for God and Mr Meldrew (I con't beLIEVE it), as well as the Peter Cook stuff that never go exported. I was in heaven. She looked rather happy too. All of the sudden, I heard her say something to her mom. Mom was wearing one of those things on her head... no, not a silly hat... what's that thing called.. oh yeah, a crown. It only took me a few hours to put together that I was hanging out with the Queen's daughter, aka Princess Agness (I'm quick that way). Small wonder the house was so nice. Not exactly my scene, I tried to run, but she tempted me with some Reginald Perrin. This girl knew exactly what I needed. She had a fridge stocked with YooHoo. I began to suspect we were split at birth.

We got along like a castle on fire. It wasn't long til the papers picked up on it. It became the scandal of its time. Not one to have pictures taken or idiots with cameras following me, we got good at hiding. The Princess dressed down and gave herself some huge hair so nobody picked her out and we set out adventuring. I learned so much... 

• it is considered extremely rude to walk around town in the queen's crown, telling everybody "we are not amused."
• it is considered even more rude to refer to Elton John as the queen.
• even if you know how to play cricket, a scepter makes a poor bat
• getting onstage at the Jeff Beck concert with the crown, scepter, and the princess is apparently fascinating to people who can read newspapers
• it is the peak of disgusting when I make fart noises with my underarms. Turns out it's even worse when the princess does it.
• getting thrown out of Parliament for coaxing them into a 12 hour debate on American cocker spaniels vs English cocker spaniels was another highlight.
• finally tasting vindaloo at a nice restaurant should not be followed by "that's every bit as shit as wot I got in Americur," or so they tell me.
• telling everyone I'm the prince got me some serious discounts in guitar stores (and adult stores)
• no one told me it's not polite to ask the queen if the sun ever comes up on this godforsaken gloomy hole. She was not amused that it's just like my weather, even after I invited her to come visit.
• The queen also told Agnes that those noises coming from her room were not ladylike. So we made more. She was particularly incensed over the room changes required by the sex swing and the trampolines. She drew the line at donkeys.
• suggesting that the Welsh learn how to speak English made a few enemies. And even more friends.
• constantly telling drivers they're on the wrong side of the road was not even the slightest bit funny to the police, nor was making fun of their manual transmissions and constantly saying BANG.
• my request to have the Royal Flower Gardens turned into a Southwest US sand and cactus display was summarily dismissed, even though it was less maintenance.
• my suggestion to get a real dog, not a Corgi, also failed to fly.

Agnes and I bonded immediately. Not so her mother and me. Even though I tried to ingratiate myself to her by calling her Mom and impress her with my useless knowledge of Britcoms and different accents, she was having none of it. She was particularly unhappy about all the press. Another unhappy lot was Agnes' security detail. It took hours to explain to them why sometimes they'd only see one head in the car when we went out.

When my vacation was up (and the British Foreign Legion threatened to manually deport me), I begged Agnes to come back with me. She said she couldn't, but her mother's great love for me started to work in my favor. The queen said if I went home, I could have anything I wanted, except her crown, and I would become Sir lefty, without any ceremony to embarrass her or me. Agnes liked the deal and came back to the Colonies with me. The queen, faced with yet another royal scandal, decided to go with the Cover Up and Play Dumb routine. When anyone asked about Agnes, she didn't know an Agnes, and had only boys. Since it's not polite to question a Royal, nobody ever mentioned Agnes again.

And that's how I met Mrs. lefty. 

Princess Mrs. lefty.

Getting rid of an upper class British accent for an ugly Philly accent was her masterpiece.

And I don't know how, but I'm getting a crown.

Today I identify as  porridge 

• Larry King has (officially) died of the Flying AIDS.

Today the Russians  hacked into Experian, stole email addresses, and told everyone Experian should have been shut down years ago. They're not incorrect.

• Another stupid phrase is 'binge watching.'
• On those cold winter nights, when I'm done begging for sex, we could binge-watch Chicago Med, Chicago PD, Chicago Garbage Collection, or 5 shows about naughty nurses doin' it between shifts. So we binge watch the Addams Family. The original show.
• It's about a wholesome, loving family, who do things their own way. It's like a mirror, instead of a screen.

Today the President  had his advisors check around for more minorities to hire: experience not required. The advisers are quickly approaching a point where major minorities have all been represented, so in a short time, they're going to have to get creative. Candidates will have to represent at least 2 minority groups to get hired, more being better. So all you lesbian trans hookers for Jesus need to get your applications in. The president noticed that there were "none of those guys with the things on their heads," which led to a 4 hour discussion about Islamists, the FBI, and things that go BOOM. Old Joe threw a fit and said they needed to be represented, so the advisers shook their heads and told Joe it was at the top of their lists.

Biden is also backwards (right handed), like so many of our horrible presidents. This is as opposed to our horrible left handed presidents (Obama, Bush). With this in mind, there are still no special programs or hiring mandates for lefties (unless they're Jewish female muslim donkey-preferring lefties).

• There's a key for every lock: satanist sex dolls

White House press secretary Jen Psaki said Friday that Biden had tasked the director of national intelligence, in coordination with the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security, with compiling a comprehensive threat assessment on violent domestic extremism. 

Here it comes.

Back in the days of Bush the Lesser, the FBI put together a list of 'terrorists'. It included people with American flags on their cars, Ron Paul supporters, people who talked about the Constitution, and fans of Insane Clown Posse. ICP sued to get their name off. 

So who decides what terrorists are? Isn't it already illegal to storm the Capitol? Let's face it - isn't the FBI already watching the neo nazis and anti-government groups? They're probably already supplying explosives to some of them.

The boogaloos - are an anti-government group promoting a 2nd civil war. They wear Hawaiian shirts. *I* wear Hawaiian shirts. I am not a boogaloo, nor am I promoting a 2nd civil war.

Let me be clear: I do not support violence or violent groups. I do not support the dingalings who waltzed into the Capitol. I do not support jackbooted thugs either.

• Researchers with the European Society of Cardiology say the idea of being “fat and healthy” is a myth.
• Next week's studies will reveal air is invisible, water is wet, and Oprah is fat.

18 school students have committed suicide in Clark County, Nevada, prompting the schools to reopen. Awful nice of the district: give the kids the choice of killing themselves or having the Flying AIDS kill them.  [RIP children - this should never have happened]

I wonder if I would have been depressed if I had to go virtual with my schooling. It certainly would've made it a lot harder to pull pranks on the teacher. It definitely would have cut down on the bullying. Oh, wait... i'd be horribly depressed if I got muted and couldn't yell out any old shit, whenever I wanted to. Yup - depressed.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Let's Not Meet in the Woods, How to Talk to Girls at Parties, Facebuilding, Mr. Queen, Lady Bird, Conway Twitty

• Harvard’s top astronomer says our solar system may be teeming with alien technology
• how does he know?  
• can you imagine getting a gig at an incredibly prestigious university to look for alien technology?
• one could suggest he look in our own atmosphere....

Speaking of alien technology, Martha Stewart's on tv. 

I've never been near her, but someone who has needs to come forward. While they may not immediately think 'alien technology,' they might think 'there's something different about her, or what the rest of us think: 'there's something seriously wrong with her.'

Her hair color doesn't change, she doesn't age, there are no reports of her getting angry, and she always has a perfect answer to the tragedies of everyday life. Today she's planting something. This proves she doesn't mind touching dirt, an obvious alien trait. She spreads the plant food on her hand, as well as all sorts of noxious chemicals when she works inside, meaning they don't absorb into her 'skin.' She didn't even flinch when she got locked up for 6 months. The guards say it looked like she just 'switched off.' She didn't eat the whole time - she just rubbed plants on herself and sat by the window. Oh yeah.. she ate a guard - but just 1.

I think we need one of those National Enquirer crews to stop following Bella Hadid to the bathroom and devote their attention to Martha. Find out where she visits. If she ever goes to a restaurant. If she breathes. If she zaps people away, like Samantha on Bewitched. If she pulls the queen thing and turns into a reptile when nobody's looking. We. Need. Answers.

Or... you know... look into Larry King.

• The art and science of boarding an airplane in a pandemic
• Don't.

On Sunday, a SpaceX rocket had a flawless takeoff, then dropped off the 2nd stage into a parking orbit. The point of the exercise was to launch 143 satellites into orbit.

Parking Orbit sounds ugly. Either it's running around, headless, causing other 2nd stages and satellites to avoid it, or it landed at a Walmart parking lot in Boise, Idaho. It smashed 137 cars, for a total of $43 damage. We have so much Space Shit up there, the aliens are getting whiplash from shaking their heads. We're known as the Garbage Planet. 

Perhaps the reason the aliens haven't made contact is that they've been observing us. They started by observing the nuke missile sites and saw that we were a warlike species. They were confused as to why we had enough nukes to blow up the planet 42 times. Once we attained space travel, such as it was, we started leaving Space Shit, then Space Shit on the Moon. Everywhere we went, we left Stuff. They were patient, while we kept thinking combustion was the way to power space ships. Many groups of aliens have been watching, and are terrified we're going to blow up the neighborhood. We're the neighborhood bullies, but only to our own planet - we have no idea there are other 'people' anywhere. 

Almost as frightening are the tv transmissions they're picking up. Tv is one way they judge whether it's time to make contact or not. They were horrified at the furries wearing masks, as well as the Kardashian worship, and figured maybe we'd be ready for contact in a few thousand years. So if you want to meet whatever life is out there, demand better tv. At this point, nature documentaries are the only thing we have going.

Have you seen the environment lately? 

They're also terrified at our militarization of space. They know we militarize everything, but didn't think we'd get to space. Another reason is that it's hard to spread a mission of intergalactic good will when we're shooting at them.

If Congress ever gets hold of this, there will be QUIET - YOU'RE FRIGHTENING THE ALIENS signs all over the place.