How to Get Rid of Indoor Xmas Trees? Set Them on Fire

 Your love is like  self-inflicted shotgun wounds

California was a model in their protections against the Flying AIDS, now they have the most cases. The governor, Gavin Newsum (D- New Jersey) is confused as to how all his weird ideas failed to protects his citizens. Until he makes up more Science, he has ordered all Californians to wear beekeeper bonnets. And no clothes.

• Americans are banned from the Philippines over Flying AIDS fears, because no other country has the Flying AIDS

Today I identify as  an 80 year old breast. The left one.

Anthony Fauci, the World's quack Doctor, said shots may be mandatory for travel and schools. And driving the car, and shopping, and using public roads. This is how it starts.

A New York state lawmaker has introduced a bill that would allow the government to detain people deemed a potential public health risk, amid concerns that the Covid-19 crisis is being allegedly used to usher in authoritarianism. This is how it continues...

The Journal of the American Medical Association shows skepticism toward the vaccines is on the rise, among Americans of all stripes.

Funeral homes are running out of space. Let's put the stiffs in Congress, next to the elected stiffs.

The Flying AIDS has caused wide use of antidepressants and counseling in England, due to the lockdown. What happened to stiff upper lip and all that? The truth is they got up one morning and realized they elected Boris, who locked them all down. I'm depressed for them.

New CDC figures suggest death toll could be half million.

Las Vegas oddsmakers are taking bets on the next random number the CDC comes up with. Favorites are 120,000, 75,000, and 12.

Dear lefty 

• When I last visited my aunt, she told me not to bring my dog. The dog is very well-behaved and doesn't damage anything. Is this right?
• technically it's her house, her rules. In reality, torch her house. That'll show her

Nancy Pelosi's house was vandalized with a pig's head and fake blood.

This sort of thing is rude and unfair. To the pig.

• Larry King has the Flying AIDS and is in a Los Angeles hospital.
• We'd hope he gets well soon, but he died 20 years ago. What you see on CNN is the world's first deepfake video.

Between the Trump era laws and the Flying AIDS, illegal aliens are starting to go back to Mexico. Even California's open-arm welcome isn't enough. It's a sad day for America when illegal aliens don't want to hop the fence. All colleges in California are now on strike and the governor is in mourning, vowing to find new ways to give taxpayer money to the illegals.

• President-elect Biden didn't want to get the vaccine but his minders promised him that if he got it, he could go to the circus.
• Aside from being a rock star, I don't have a ton of lofty goals. But now that I mention it, I'd really like a minder. You know, a babysitter. John Bonham (Led Zeppelin) had a person charged with making sure he showed up places on time. At my level, that's called 'wife', but at higher levels, it's a Minder. This dude was on the Led Zeppelin payroll strictly to make sure his charge showed up, more or less on time, more or less functional. Of course he'd have to be paid double to make sure I never said anything in the vicinity of a mic.

A large blue UFO was seen over Oahu and appeared to drop into the ocean.

At this point, it could be anybody in any city. Call the police, who do or don't see it. Call the FAA, which says nothing on radar. Call the military, which says it has no planes in the area (although they might remember having planes in the air later). It makes the paper, then nothing ever happens.

Many reports place UFOs in the water, heading into the water, or leaving the water.

• There somehow appeared a container of almost almond milk in the fridge. On the container, it said "Refreshing Goodness," which is exactly what I was saying while I drank my lemon Snapple.
• Faced with zero sales, except in California, the Almond Milk Marketing board got together and decided sales would grow if they hired the FBI to break into houses and put almond milk in refrigerators. People tried it and sales still failed to grow. One of the board, who wishes to remain anonymous, suggested the entire board go into something with a chance of sales, like sugar-flavored sugar bits cereal, or herpes-flavored milk.
• The FBI was waiting for someone to perform an act of terror with the milk, so they could arrest them, for a major coup.

There is a tv commercial advertising a debit card that will allow the user to get their paycheck deposited electronically, possibly earlier than paper checks. The lady is truly excited because she can walk into work and tell everyone she got paid already.

Who says Americans have no goals?

• Note to police: "yeah, ok, 10-4" is like saying "kill him, hide the body, 10-43"

Didn't I say the military was busy defending itself from the military at Joint Base San Antonio-Fort Sam Houston? A drill sergeant was found dead in her car, shot multiple times. This military thing is truly dangerous. You don't even have to leave the country. Meanwhile, the 'investigation' into base deaths continues...

1. Sgt Jessica Mitchell: shot herself multiple times from outside her car. The base captain said he was very sorry and it would never happen to her again
2. Pvt Susan Smith: killed herself, put her body in a huge carrier, buried it 500 yards from the base
3. Sgt Devon Williams: shot himself with a shotgun, 5 times in the back of his head, hid the shotgun
4. Pvt LaDean Washington: raped himself, blamed his teammates
5. Captain Lee Brown: shot himself in the back 8 times to make it look like his squad fragged him

The base has modified its recruiting posters 

• Feel like killing people? Feel like killing yourself? Join the Army!
• We have a slot just for you - 6' under!
• Don't like your teammate? Kill him!
• Is your career killing you? You ain't seen nothing yet!
• Are you tough enough for this base, MAGGOT?