Showing posts with label generation axe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label generation axe. Show all posts

Thursday, December 27, 2018

Not Worth the Plutonium it Would Take to Blow Them Up

Every now and then, we see something so compellingly honest, we go back to basics and remember what it's all about.  Let's take the Lindor commercial (please). Lindor truffles are what we call Chocolate Bombs. They come in bright wrappers, in dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. If you're not having a lot of sex, like most of us, this is the next best thing.  Anyway, it starts with some sexy music and a pair of feet. They're kind of rubbing against each other, sensually. The camera eventually makes it to unwrapping, then a stunningly sexy woman puts the confection to her plump, red lips, and takes a small bite. This makes her eyes roll backwards into her sockets, like a one armed bandit. I love the hell out of this when it happens. After it's over, even I want a cigarette, and I don't smoke. THIS is a commercial.



  • I still fail to grok Dog the Bounty Hunter. It's been on forever, which I also fail to understand. If any of you can explain the attraction to me, I urge you not to.



It's Recommend Software Time!

There's a pretty cool MP3/audio player called Dead Beef. It plays most formats and works on android and linux. It may be coaxed to work on OS X, but there will be no Windows version. Bummer (hysterical laughter - use Winamp). With a name like Dead Beef, you know it has to be some good software. It supports plugins and plays APE files, which is a format used by [this joke has been pre-empted by the University of Pennsylvania, which has filed suit because they don't want anyone else to enjoy the humor].

I have this bizarre problem (which one?): while random playing my music collection, I keep hearing the same songs. When I changed players, I kept hearing the same songs. Dead Beef at least uses a different randomizer. 

* don't forget: Beef Flaps is the name of the subreddit about women with large labia.


Winamp is a wonderful player that runs on most OSes, except linux (naturally).
VLC runs on anything and plays anything, audio and video. I highly recommend it for every OS except android, because it won't simply play one folder. It has to locate every media file on the entire phone. If this is good by you, go for it. It's my primary player on linux, although Dead Beef is moving up quickly.


It's Recommended Artist Time!

Carl Verheyen is a premier session guitarist, known for the spelling and pronunciation of his name. He's a phenomenal talent, with a tone and skills all his own. I think he's with Supertramp somehow, but he tours with his own band. The man can play almost anything.

Nazareth is a huge act from Scotland, known for the single Love Hurts. Another is Hair of the Dog (both 1975). Search YouTube. The vocals are a country of their own - delightfully scratchy. Due to concerns I am not permitted to divulge, he left the band recently, as well as the band being a merry go round of other members. I think the guitar roadie is the only original member. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Oh yeah, the absolute mostest funkiest riffiest keyboardist, Joe Cocker's very own Chris Stainton. Go ahead - argue with that riff.



Dear lefty
  • Rear Admiral Brucie, from Down Under, asks where we get ideas for the blog
  • Dear Poof: don't you have voices too?



Let me say something nice about Microsoft. 
just kidding.
No, really, here's some dirt on Win10's new Notepad features. None of us will use them, but it's good to know they're there.



  • a mishap at a factory in Germany caused a ton of chocolate to escape and solidify. Honey, we're moving to Germany! Sprechen ze Chocolate?



Crime Tip:
When you're going to do something Extremely Naughty, use Private browsing mode, so there are no records you searched for beheadings before you did whatever you did.

That is all.



  • In my 2009 post on WWII, I divulged that I wasn't blogging in 2009.



Senate Intel staffer James Wolfe, who was busted leaking info to reporter Ali Watkins in return for sex .... blah blah...

HANG ON... you can exchange info for sex? 
Why am I always the last to know?



  • Mess Up Marketing: the theater wants to let me know Mary Poppins is back. Drop what you're doing... alert the press... masturbate furiously!
  • I can barely contain my joy - Air Supply too!



Dear lefty

  • Steve Blah, from Brighton Rock, wants to know how to play the guitar
  • Carefully.




  • Secretary of State Mike Pompeo confirmed that the government believes China is behind the Marriott Hack.
  • Well.. we haven't 'exported freedom' to any country lately, so War On China! Just think of the corporate contracts! New planes, guns, fuel... this is like Viagra for Dick Cheney!



Speaking of China, no other country will take them seriously if they don't learn to spell. Sales are plummeting at Huawei. This is because it's pronounced Wah-way. They're worse than the French, who tend to drop a letter here and there.




G-Bus, watch and listen to this: stunning, in honor of the new Queen movie.
Generation Axe.



  • Burton Cummings, of the Guess Who (These Eyes, No Time, Undun) tells a story about playing the flute on Undun. The guy at the music store said it was the same fingering as the sax. WHO CARES? IT'S A FLUTE.



In today's breach news, 40,000 stolen government logins are for sale on the Dark Web. They're from all countries, including... wait for it... the US. 

Hundreds of accounts on the websites of the US Senate, the Internal Revenue Service, the Department of Homeland Security and NASA were among those affected....

Remember: these are the people protecting US.
They're only protecting us from our tax dollars




  • Work will soon have a gathering to talk about downgrading our computers to Windows 10.  I asked my boss how much it would be worth to him for me to stay home that day. Alas, no; he told me to tell him how it goes. Rest assured he will hear about my participation.... right after my probation period.




A comic turned down a gig at a British university because he was requested to sign a behavioral agreement first. This is what University Hijinks hath wrought.

The full list of topics listed by the organisers were "racism, sexism, classism, ageism, ableism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia or anti-religion or anti-atheism".
The contract said: "It does not mean that these topics cannot be discussed. But it must be done in a respectful and non-abusive way."

Think about that for a second... these are our institutes of higher learning. At this point, they're institutes of ideas that don't exist outside their protective walls.

The bigger surprise is that the college group apologized(!)

Unicef on Campus told Newsbeat: "Given that Unicef is a children's charity, we wanted to make sure it was an appropriate event for the cause. We would never wish to impose that guests would have to agree to anything they do not believe in.

No, they'd never impose censorship. Except with any guest that comes to the university, signing the behavioral agreement.




  • What's Penny the Dog up to lately? When shredding books, she prefers hardcover. When shredding magazines, she prefers glossy (my Vintage Guitar magazines, to be precise). 
  • If we take her outside every two hours, she only pees on the carpet a few times per week.
  • The antibiotics are supposed to clear up both types of worms.
  • The dog who lived with three other dogs snaps and growls at every other dog she sees while walking.
  • She's terrified of linoleum. The Doggie Shrink says she was probably molested by it when she was a puppy.
  • She's really affectionate and cuddly and only barks constantly several times a day. We're quite fond of her.








Tuesday, November 6, 2018

National Breast Awareness Month

Penny got her first(?) whipped cream, which she enjoyed immensely. Marshall inaugurated this, by being in the car when ice drinks were bought for home consumption. He'd put his nose right through the hole in the top and consume the whipped cream (and drink if he could get to it). Penny also went nose-down and managed to get some of the drink too. Thus far, the only thing she doesn't like is actual lemon, which seems universal for pets. She has also discovered that it's best to sit under Mommy, who tends to drop stuff. She now guards the floor from dropped food. She also guards the bed from me getting comfortable.

Hours after typing the above, I got a call from Mrs leftystrat, who's visiting and took her new child with her. As you see in the commercials and real life, she loves to put her head out the window, flaps flying in the breeze. Mrs noted it getting windy, looked over, and saw Penny lowering the window. Twice. She had discovered the button, then discovered it doesn't work when it gets locked. So she flew across the floor to get a view from a different window. Another smart one. Several of us are apparently going to dog training class soon.





  • I love this stuff... an employee at the US Geological Service (USQLK) managed to infect a government network with Russian malware, via visiting porn sites. An investigation turned up 9,000 visits. 
  • 'Legit porn sites' are businesses. They can't afford to have malware.
  • 9,000 visits, not broken down by site. How can a person do their job and visit 9,000 sites? Your tax dollars at work.
  • You'd think government networks would be heavily protected, especially with a block on porn sites. Network security devices can protect against this, regardless of whether it's porn or anything else.
  • Even if the network didn't protect itself, they could probably tell there was an issue by the guy having one arm much larger than the other.
  • 9,000 visits. What kind of rocks require 9,000 visits?



I'll be honest.. I haven't spent much time on cryptocurrency, other than the basics and news. Yes, it's done wonders for some early adopters. Yes, the government hasn't gotten its paws on cryptocurrency yet. But there are downsides, as mentioned in this article. A number of exchanges have been hacked, leaking millions of dollars, if not more. There have also been complete scams, where a hack is claimed, then the owner(s) closes up shop and leaves town. This is why I don't spend much time or money there.

You might be shocked to hear me type this, but if the government DID get its paws on cryptocurrency, as they did with banks, things would have ended very differently.. the exchange owners would cry poverty, prompting the government to bail the poor billionaires out with taxpayer money.



  • After all these years, I finally made it. I have a remote control for my fan. 
  • Sometimes you don't know what you've got til you look back on it.



The very funny, crossdressing comic, Eddie Izzard, just did a commercial for some charity for either starving children or democrats who believe in gun ownership. I get the appeal of a celebrity, but how seriously are you going to take a comic, no less one wearing lipstick?

Speaking of Halloween (and charity), we're in the season. Or at least we were when I typed this. I find the best way to survive Halloween involves candy, booze, and something that fires projectiles. I eat the candy, of course.

Speaking of charity, I saw an appeal from UNICEF, one of the best known groups. Speaking of Halloween (don't you love how I tie this shit together?), a long time ago, there was an effort to collect money for UNICEF, via children going out on Halloween collecting coins instead of candy. Now tell me what children you know who would forego candy for anything at all, no less charity? And even if they did (children are basically good... well.. most of them), then give the money over to charity? This is the fruit of their labor. Actually this is training for growing up and getting a job.

And here we are, in 2018, with UNICEF still in full action, collecting money, except now on tv.  I have had enough jobs to know that if I was still trying to accomplish my single goal after 40 years, I'd not only be fired, but I'd be fired long before 40 years (even in government service). Think about this for a minute.... same charity, same starving children, same parts of the world. Is there possibly some inefficiency? Have they failed to make a dent in the problem? Does their upper manglement receive $2 billion Halloween bonuses? Are they running the countries they're shilling for? Has the IRS checked for vacation homes in sunny climates? Child running? Solid gold utensils and toilets? Lighting spliffs with $100 bills?

Let's give them the benefit of doubt... say they're totally above board, but the countries with the starving children are run by tyrants who intercept aid and distribute it to their friends and paying for concerts by Bono.

Q. How many Bonos does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He stands there with the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Again, after over 40 years, they still haven't fixed the problem, not to mention the starving children having to sit through a Bono concert.

The only other way to deal with this would be the US invading. Unfortunately this won't happen because they have no native drugs (like..say... Afghanistan) or fossil fuels (like.. say.. the Middle East). They don't even have enough weapons to make it worth an extended stay and $4 billion in new bases. How will we feed Halliburton? And BOOM - we're back to UNICEF.



  • Parsnips? They should be illegal. There's no reason any law abiding citizen needs parsnips.


You're probably wondering what the ticket agency has recommended for me this week. If you are, you have great psychic abilities (or are in the mood for a little self abuse). Let's start with KISS. Better yet, let's not.  Ariana Grande, perhaps? No, perhaps. Dan + Shay? Who is Dan + Shay? Gordon Lightfoot! Isn't he dead? No, the Canuckian decided to do a solo tour for the first time in 78 years. If you could read my mind, love... you wouldn't want to. On the positive side, it's at the Hershey Theatre. You can go, avoid the concert, and gorge on chocolate! Hanson String Theory. I know there's a Hanson and a String Theory. There's no way they joined together. It would have caused major disturbances in the time-space continuum. Edie Brickell & New Bohemians. No one has heard from Mrs Paul Simon in decades. You can tell she's serious because there's no 'the' before New Bohemians. New Kids on the Block? This is everything about childhood we hated, coming back to bite us in the groin. Again.

Out of the 15 shows promoted, they managed to get one right, overcoming great odds. Generation Axe, featuring Steve Vai (Zappa, David Lee Roth, Whitesnake, solo), Zakk Wylde (Ozzy, Black Label, solo), Yngwie Malmsteen (God himself), Nuno Bettencourt (Extreme), and Tosin Abasi (Animals as Leaders). I saw them last time and it was Christmas for guitar players. I have a great picture of Zakk playing about 15 feet from me. How many readers divided by how many play guitar.. I will be sending (bear with me a minute) ...approximately zero people to the concert.



  • I just got a new, expensive vintage left handed guitar. I'm stunned.
  • No, wait, what's that other word.... I really want a new, expensive vintage left handed guitar. Sorry.



The Fifth Amendment protects against self-incrimination ("I'll take the Fifth"). Sometimes this merges with the Fourth Amendment (search and seizure). In a recent court case, the owner of an iPhone was ordered to give up the passcode, so the prosecutor could get at the evidence in his phone. This issue has been banging around the courts for a while: giving up your PIN is a violation of the Fifth Amendment. The legal wrangling and technicalities are very interesting (to me) and it might be a good idea to take a look. It never hurts to be up on individual rights.




  • This shouldn't come as too big a surprise, but 90% of free apps on Google Play Store share data with Google parent Alphabet.
  • Nearly 43% share data with Facebook  - this is interesting, given my direct observation that nearly every android app calls FB the moment it comes up.




In the five months since GDPR came into effect, I finally figured out what's going on. Europe, or some of the people living in Europe (I'm easily confused) got mad about sites not being transparent about stealing your information, so they put up the draconian law stating that sites had to let you know what was going on. This met with incredible resistance, with some companies pulling the European versions of their web pages. They claimed it was to comply with the GDPR, but in reality they were pissed. No one had ever demanded they be honest before and there was no internal procedure to deal with it.

A compromise was reached, resulting in those horribly annoying popups about accepting cookies before looking at the page. So they can continue to screw you, but they have to announce it first.




  • So about Faceyspaces getting rid of those foreign fake political ads.... Lord Zuckerburg said measures were being put in place to stop additional accounts. OOPS, it seems the alleged measures have failed. Vice News and Business Insider applied to buy ads, with all sorts of funny business, like 'paid for by 100 senators' and using the same text as ads that were banned. Each ad was approved.
  • One can safely assume Lord Vader Zuckerburg is not amused. I would not want to be the employee blamed for this. The beatings are going to be particularly harsh, compared to the regular beatings.





I just saw an alert that a local high school has been locked down by the police. But there are no known threats. Obviously the police are just doing surprise visits to check for no known threats (and to cause parents to lose bowel control).

POLICE: knock knock
SCHOOL: yes?
POLICE: Police!
SCHOOL: what do you want?
POLICE: We've come to inspect the place.
SCHOOL: why? have there been threats?
POLICE: No, not at all. We're just here to really upset people. No threats, though.
SCHOOL: are you sure? Last week, the bomb squad came by to make sure there were still no bombs here. We caught them 'monitoring' the girls' showers.
POLICE: Oh no, no, no, nothing like that. Not at all. We're just doing random drills to cause panic, so we can practice saying "DON'T PANIC!" And to announce that there are no known threats.
SCHOOL: Ok. Well, come in then.

Moments later I heard the subject they were not looking for because there were no known threats had been detained and had 'it'. 'It' turned out to be a gun.

After briefly monitoring the situation for six hours or so, I think I have the factual sequence of events... I'm like some sort of unwell private dick... errr... reporter.

Hello, Police Tip Line..
Is this the police tip line?
Isn't that what I just said?
Did you say something?
I did.
No you didn't.
I most certainly did.
I have a tip.
Thank you for calling with a tip. I DID say that earlier.
You're lying.
We're the police - we NEVER lie!
You did. Just then.
Did you say you had a tip?
I don't want to talk about a tip now. You lied to me.

-- ten minutes later --

So I have a tip for you.
Good thing. This IS the tip line.
There's some kid.
Ok.
He's going to school.
Yes, that's rather serious.
No, he's going to school with a weapon.
WEAPON? Why didn't you SAY weapon?
I just did.
What kind of weapon.
A rocket launcher.
Rocket launcher?
Yes, a rocket launcher. Why do you repeat everything I say?
Are you saying I repeat everything you say?
You just did. Right there.
No I didn't.
Are you going to do anything about this rocket launcher the kid is bringing to school?
Yes sir, we're going to call every student in, plus their parents and the weekend staff (and their mothers). 
Why?
Higher body count. Works great in the news the next day. We get more funding.


-- ten minutes later, Lieutenant's office --

Sir, we have a creditable threat.
No you don't.
Yes sir, we do. I just got a tip... a student is bringing a rocket launcher to school.
This is horrible. Rocket launchers can be folded up and carried in pants, or up butts. Something must be done.
Yes sir, that's why I came to you.
Oh, is that MY job?
I believe so, sir.
Right... send SWAT, the dog team, the bomb squad, the drug lab, and the guys who wash the Special Neighborhood Police Tanks, wouldja? I want a detailed search of everyone in that building for a rocket launcher. Check a lot of pants. And make sure to get a good look at the girls' showers: SWAT didn't finish their last reconnaissance. Something might have changed. And put out a statement to the press.
Yes, sir.

Members of the press: SWAT and the bomb squad are doing random checks at a high school today - nothing to worry about. No credible evidence that there is a threat. 
What are you looking for?
Oh, nothing in particular.
Who made the threat?
No, there is no credible threat.
How do you know then?
It came over the tip line.
So there IS a credible threat.
No, we're just doing a surprise inspection to make sure there continues to be no credible threat. You can't be too careful, can you.
So in brief, an entire department is going to lock down an entire school to make sure there's no credible threat.
Exactly.

 --  Press Conference, 6 hours later  --

Members of the press: thank you for coming. We'd like to announce that SWAT, the bomb squad, the drug lab, and the guys who wash the Special Neighborhood Police Tanks visited a high school today and put it on lockdown. 
Why is this?
No particular reason.
Was there any credible threat?
None at all.
What did you find?
Nothing at all. Just a small, foldable rocket launcher. Nothing to be concerned about.
How long was the lockdown?
Not long - about six hours.
Where was the rocket launcher?
Uhhhh... in two people.
IN two people?
Yes. 
Are you aware there are midterm tests today?
No more questions, please.









Sunday, May 1, 2016

Concert Tickets

This is an incredibly busy concert season. In fact, it's the busiest season I've ever seen. So many great tours that it's a matter of selecting which we can and can't go to.

I have tickets for Generation Axe and am going with a raft of metalhead guitar players and one wife.
Life would not be complete without Jeff Beck and Buddy Guy.
And next on the stage is the last time on the stage for Black Sabbath.

I have no real feelings about Black Sabbath. Tony Iommi, their guitar player, is a lefty, which is always nice. Wife, however, is NUTS about Ozzy and grew up with Sabbath. All I remember about that time is hanging around with my dirtball, pot-smoking friends and listening to music. I don't remember a lot and it had nothing to do with pot. Or anything else.

So we 'needed' Black Sabbath tickets.
I have a sneaky technique when I don't want to do something: tell Wife she's responsible for researching and procuring it. She'll generally forget and I'm off the hook. Wife keeps asking ME to do it. I remind Wife, frequently, that it's HER job. Wife, who generally forgets, manages to forget it's her job. And eventually I get stuck with it. Wife is much smarter than me (although her taste in men is suspicious).

So she seeks to relive teenhood, as if she could remember much of it anyway (dissociative disorders can leave large memory holes). And again, it's my job. It's funny... she never thinks the internet is going to bite her except when it involves purchasing tickets. She nas NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with Amazon. In fact, Amazon calls her to see if she's alright if she hasn't ordered something in two days. The upshot (where did that word come from?) is that I have to go online and purchase something(s) *by which I mean that I have absolutely NO memory of the last time I tried to go online and purchase something(s)*.

Things are a little different in my house, which is akin to saying that things are a little different in Syria. I always forget that ordering online involves four browsers, much patience (which I lack in the extreme) and much yelling (which I am most proficient at). The first thing these heartless bastards require is the nightmare known as Internet Explorer. The evil beauty of this is that they neglect to TELL you this, so you're forced to find it out the hard way. This task is made more difficult because there's no Internet Explorer on linux (thankfully).

I have no less than four browsers (maybe more) in various stages of lockdown for this very event. And no matter which of the four I use (sometimes all four), something goes wrong. Generally browsing occurs with Firefox, which is locked down so well that even web pages can't get through. When I know there is going to be a purchase, I open Browser #2. When Browser #2 fails, which it always does, I use Browser #3, which has no restrictions whatsoever (PLEASE HACK ME!!). Even this does not satisfy the site fully, although it sometimes allows me to purchase something.

Finding tickets is always an interesting process. Generally the site won't let me see the venue or seating until I tell the bastards to just go ahead and find me some seats. After the seats come up, I always allow for a loud exclamation and several moments' loss of consciousness after I've seen the prices. This is not the Final Tour, this is the Final Cash-In. Why am I complaining - I'm seeing the final Sabbath tour! It's only one hundred fifty dollars per seat - a bargain at half the price.

This was only a prelude: the real fun comes when it's time to pay. Having selected the seats (after a quick remortgage), I am given a 9 minute timer in which to complete my transaction before the tickets are released for sale. No problem - I type quickly and I have a Stubmonger account (but still  pressure). Go ahead - try to sign in. I have a password vault so I never forget passwords. Plug them in and BZZT - wrong password. It's not the wrong password, stupid, it's the one I always use. No matter, his the FORGOT PASSWORD link, which takes me to a page that says SOMETHING HAPPENED and nothing else. Ah, progress (in that there is nowhere to go).

It does tell me that I can use my Ticketmonger account, which somehow lets me in, like a magic mushroom of sorts. I fill out all the necessary information (including mortgage account) and SUBMIT. Oops - it didn't like something. Unfortunately I did not have a Need To Know what it didn't like, so I had to guess. Ah, no place for my MasterVisa - only branded cards. Fantastic! Yelling! The little clock says six minutes. Pressure!

The card type was incorrect because I had no indication it scrolled. Way to make your page readable in any browser, kids. After yelling some more and cursing the thieving bastards for their very existence, I filled out the rest of the information. Three hundred dollars. Wife had better be EXTRA NICE to me for the rest of the year, at very least.

But wait! If you buy now, you have seven delivery options, from printing your own (a $3 surcharge) to two day delivery ($49.95) all the way down to Send Me The F-ing Tickets In The Mail (only $5 each). More screaming. I am not sure how this happened, perhaps New Math, but the total was $350. Somebody is making Big Bucks because they're forcing us to PAY Big Bucks.

Apparently Wife's fear of purchasing tickets is way worse than thirty minutes of listening to me scream, curse, and make several things airborne.

And it ain't over yet, because there's still Joe Walsh/Bad Co and Peter Frampton/Skynyrd.
Oops, yes, it IS over... Walsh is $150 per seat and Frampton is $125 per seat.

One way or the other, you'll probably hear me from your house.