Remember This In Case You Forget It

Your love is like  dog farts

• Khloe Khardashian had a rare tumor removed from her face. Now you can't see anything above her neck.

Today I identify as   Spam.  SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM. Lovely Spam. Wonderful Spam.

Scientists believe existence of party drugs in space points to proof of aliens

No, really.

The problem is that what they're referring to as party drugs is nitrous oxide. I've used nitrous, but only at the dentist's office. It did a great job of calming me down. But let's put that aside for a moment... what would make finding a gas in space prove aliens? Are there any dentists in space? I sure hope they don't find mowers in space - that could easily point to the existence of huge, invisible rhinocerouses. There's an awful lot of vacuum in space. This could lead scientists to argue that the aliens use vacuum tubes or that they like to keep a clean planet. Most of all, there's a lot of dirt out there, mostly orbiting the planet. Maybe we could get some of that space vacuum to help. Obviously the large pink aliens are good with vacuums. What, you've never seen large pink aliens? Try some nitrous oxide.

Philadelphia was named one of the most foul-mouthed cities in America.

Can you fscking imagine the nerve of those shits?

The article I read did not mention the friggin criteria by which those bastards judged the cities.

 

Saudi women reject stigma to embrace pole dancing

NOW we're getting somewhere, only 20 years behind the US.

 You will be surprised to note that not everyone in Saudi Arabia thinks this is a good idea. One prince said to his friend, "I told you this would happen after we allowed them to have drivers licenses. But we better keep an eye on this. Just to make sure there's nothing illegal happening. No other reason. At all."

TICKETMASTER MUST DIE

Once again I attempted a very silly, dangerous, and arduous task: ordering tickets.

Historically, this has never gone well. No part of the process is easy or just works. Each step involves more pain. I have to be tranquilized long before I start, and I'm completely out of tranquilizer. I just want to buy tickets. From when I was little, I bought tickets. The only problem I ever had was not being able to afford good seats. Since it went online, it all went to hell. Judging by the amount of seats already purchased, someone must have passed the strenuous tests required by Ticketmaster, but I can't imagine it.

Ticketmaster used to come out with sniper teams to shoot the ticket scalpers. Now apparently they've learned to cooperate. All the seats left are from 'verified resellers.' And they want $870.00 for the first rows. WHAT IS THIS? It's Jeff Friggin' Beck and Johnny Depp, not Led Zeppelin reforming. I sincerely hope they get stuck with them. Moving back a bit, row P seats are $200 and row Q are $120, depending on whether you want center, right, left, hanging from the rafters, or operating the mixing board. I'm ok with the mixer, but Wife never mixed before. There are a few seats left in Q, so I pick out the row, but Ticketmaster will let us know which two seats. We need to sit close to the aisle, but no problem... Ticketmaster knows best.

Then they want all the credit card info. It takes a while, so Ticketmaster lets me know this is no big deal by flashing a BRIGHT RED popup, telling me to HURRY UP - THE SEATS MIGHT GO WHILE YOU'RE TYPING. Then they want to verify me. The problem is they want to verify me by sending a text to my phone. It's a friggin LANDLINE. I changed it to my cell, and felt verified. 

We got to the final charge, which included FORTY SIX DOLLARS in service fees. It's a small wonder artists are getting pissed at Ticketmaster. But wait - there's another few dollars in processing fees. So not only are the artists pissed, but the fans are ready to tear their throats out. Or anybody's throats, for that matter.  

I am not happy. Really really not happy. Not happier than normal by a large factor.

You know it's not over yet, right? Of course you do - this is me we're talking about. I'm Captain Weird! I don't have normal problems. I clicked PAY, figuring I was all done. HA!  There was an additional verification. I think they just want to see how many people will put up with their crap. The really amusing, and when I say amusing, I mean INFURIATING MURDEROUS, part is that it wants to call my landline, which I removed from the account. There is no way to fix this. Thinking on my feet (I normally think on my pancreas) I ran and grabbed a phone to plug into the landline, because our wireless phone broke. Two complete handsets broke. I was out of my mind. The police were getting calls. I was practicing my Madman Vocabulary at high volume. Naturally this triggered the dog, who started barking at me. EVERY TIME I tried to say something to Wife, the dog barked. After three tries, I completely lost it and went Pete Townshend on the phone, grabbing it by the wire and slamming it repeatedly into the wall. So now there was absolutely no way to verify the purchase over the phone. The good news is that we're saving a hell of a lot of money. The bad news is that we're not seeing Jeff Beck. Wife gets the same results, so it's not just me.

The last time I tried buying tickets at the box office, there was a BOX OFFICE FEE. It's not that I can't afford it, it's the principle. They have done nothing to add value to the ticket, but Ticketmaster and the box office seem to think that simply selling a ticket is worth a ridiculous addon fee.

So I've barely calmed down enough to type this. Although I can type 100wpm, half of them are mistakes. Making mistakes at this moment, without tranquilization, is not a good thing. Fortunately the police recognized my address and knew it was ok to not stop by. There was no glass shattered in any window on the block, so we're ok. I have stopped showing off my vocabulary and thinking of ways to assist Ticketmaster in their quest to put themselves out of business. More or less. The dog and the wife have fled to a different floor, so at least one of them isn't trying to talk over me. Unfortunately this puts quite a damper on dinner.

Is this tale over? What - are you fuggin kidding me? While out today, we bought the new Jeff/Johnny CD. While unpacking our purchases, I discovered the CD is nowhere to be found.  It's almost like somebody doesn't want us to see (or hear) Jeff Beck. 

The Next Day 

Mrs. lefty gives it a try. She uses her phone, with no complicated browser restrictions. As she speaks out loud, I can already feel my blood pressure going up. Ticketmaster takes forever to find the concert. When it comes up, there are a choice of them. Click and POOF - blank page. She asked me to try, even remembering the poor telephone that still lay in pieces, as a reminder to Ticketmaster. I got the same blank page. Ticketmaster is a blank page. And they more than likely own the resellers whose tickets appear on their site. I believe the reseller tickets are somewhat cheaper than the Ticketmaster. I was all excited because there were addons. I want Jeff to sign my guitar. I was close - the addon was parking. 

We were thinking of staying home because of the Depp-acle. It will look like a John Mayer concert, with huge signs and fainting fans. Maybe a judge and some lawyers too. At the end of the show, they will declare him not guilty. Poor Jeff. But it IS their album.

We decided to try another way, via the resellers directly. We found seats and only mildly userous prices, then they tacked on a $60 service fee. One place wouldn't even tell you what the fees were until you paid. I believe these were the Ticketmaster-owned resellers, so there was no big surprise. StubHub had seats and charged a reasonable fee, so we went with them. 

First I had to transfer them via Ticketmaster. Uh-oh. And shockingly, it failed. Notice what just worked and what just failed. Eventually the Great Satan came around. When I went to print, my printer spat out one ticket, then choked on the second. Troubleshooting is fun because there's only a blinking light telling me something's wrong. No jams. So I turned it off and turned it on again and it printed. Perhaps it likes being cycled. I don't. I have never had so much trouble getting tickets (since the last Ticketmaster buy). Every. Step. Frought. With. Misery.

So I have tickets, times, and directions. Maybe even some barbecue. We gonna see JEFF BECK. In New Jersey, with Johnny Depp, but still. It will be better than the Loud Hailer tour, where the chick shouted into a megaphone. 

After one of the recent Amazon warehouse fires, staff declared a strike.  

After the strike, Amazon declared a firing. 80 were jettisoned.

Rather than actually doing anything about the warehouses, Amazon is suing the state that criticized warehouse safety. Amazon is, very quietly, bringing in Elon Musk to examine the warehouses' propensity to spontaneously combust, like his cars. They figure if anyone knows about spontaneous combustion, it's Musk. Meanwhile, Amazon has released this statement to its employees: GET BACK TO WORK. You could be number 81.

Speaking of Musk, 160,000 customers are running Tesla's Full Self Driving beta.

The customers are the beta testers. It's like Windows!

An NYU organic chemistry professor has been terminated for tough grading.

UC Berkeley is on strike in sympathy. A press release stated that this was a good first step in marginalizing education. Chemistry can be replaced with something important, like Protesting 101. Are there any Jews at NYU? They'll have to go.

Very little has been made of Kamila's statement that aid for Florida would go to minorities first. 

I guess the press just forgot.

Today was another sad day in the ThermonicEmissions household: I had to mow again.

I'm sure the new neighbors appreciated it, but the main point was that I didn't. My only hope is that it will stop growing because it's getting cold. The power assist was very handy up hills (and over small children and squirrels). Then, of course, it's the raking. This is why I need to be very wealthy. Ok?

In other news, the Penny Bowl was scored like this:

DOG 2     Mice 0

DOG 1     Bird 0

Penny did not enjoy the home field advantage. Hopefully this will put an end to local sports.

The dog is napping. I am not. This goes to show the imbalance in the house.

REPARATIONS!

When I got out of bed, it was cold. This is a new and unwanted experience. It took me a while to remember that when I'm cold, it's time to go outside, where it's warm. Then I get yelled at by the neighbors for letting all the cold out.

When I got done mowing, I was hot. Sweating. This is not a normal state for me. I'm surprised Wife recognized me, but I kid; she was still sleeping, and dog was keeping her safe. From what, we do not know... maybe Ticketmaster. Or UC Berkeley.... there are Jews in the family. So after having imbibed some grapefruit soda and Yoo Hoo, I assumed my default stance; sitting. In the formerly cold room, I turned the fan on to cool down. There was some kind of strange liquid falling down my forehead. The dog likes to lick my forehead before we go to bed. Nobody knows why. She doesn't lick Wife's forehead - just mine. Perhaps it's garlic or hot spices... I'm an honorary Italian. And an honorary lesbian. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's Single Personality Disorder.  It didn't take long to realize I wasn't getting any benefit from the 24" industrial fan, only 15' (30 liters Canadian) away. Being the reluctant troubleshooter I am, I set to work. Mind you, after mowing, I felt I had already set to work, so I set to work, grumbling about already having set to work. It didn't take long to find the culprit: it was the 1974 Camaro in the dining room, which had moved between the fan and me. I just assumed it would stay where it was when it first appeared. It only took three days to become part of the house, therefore invisible. We spent some time trying to decide if it was good or bad that it had decided to move, and if it had achieved sentience (which it obviously had), or some joker moved it while I was out mowing. Dog doesn't have much of a sense of humor, Wife was sleeping. This would indicate a third party.

I moved the fan, because it was easier than moving the Camaro. Once I had it pointed at me, I re-sat to ponder the motion of the car. Sherlock Holmes said that when you remove some of the stuff, what's left is the answer (that may not be a direct quote). So the car achieved sentience and moved itself. How it moved itself vertically is another question entirely, as cars are know for motion strictly in the horizontal plane (unless they're dragsters in a spectacular upending crash, but we don't have the room for that inside, nor the boffo Start lights). It's the day after The Great Mowing and the Camaro is still where it originally blocked the fan, so I'm ok with it; unless it tries to sit on the couch. I will defend the couch with my life. On the other hand, it would neatly disassemble the couch, but we'd have to find another one quickly, and it's not a simple or quick process. 

While at the mall this past weekend,  I met a kindred soul at the candy store. Man, this place was a trip down memory lane, with all the candy I used to eat as a (littler) kid. We commiserated on how automakers don't make Real Cars<tm> anymore. No bench seats for the dog. No 8 cylinder engines. No families of 9 sitting comfortably in the rear seat (or the trunk). No really sweet ride anymore. No curved lines, making all new cars look like Volkswagen Beetles stretched out.  But we did get lots of candy. Warning: anything described as HOT isn't. Except hot cinnamon Jelly Bellies, but they cost more than heroin per pound. A little known fact it that smart economists realize the economy is tied to Jelly Bellies. The more purchased, the better things are. When the hot ones sell well, look out!

So we're left with a sentient 1974 Camaro. While the Corvettes were cooler-looking, the Camaros were more comfortable. If the car has evolved speech, we will have to discuss getting on the road. Unfortunately in this state, anything over 20-25 years requires an antique tag (!) and can only be driven a certain amount of miles per year. If there were libertarians in state office, this wouldn't be a problem. Imagine letting a state tell you what you can and cannot drive. We'd ride illegally, because that's just the way we roll. Outlaws. I'd get a leather vest and some sort of bandana to put on my head (which would also hide the expanding lack of hair). I guess the car feels safe in the dining room, so I have no complaints. People tell me my house feels safe. This is in spite of the way it looks. It was decorated by the most recent tornado to touch ground.

Speaking of tornadoes, we stopped at a far away donut place. We were pleasantly surprised because we're used to Dunkin, which are a bit paltry, to be polite. These donuts can be thrown through windows, they're so dense and filled with good stuff. I ate one yesterday. It was lovely, but way too filling. I made a mental note, on one of those internal yellow sticky pads, which always seem to get lost on the internal desk, to avoid the donuts. HOWEVER, the donuts are still there, calling to me. Intellectually I know if I eat one, it will fill me up too much. But they're calling to me. I feel like Homer Simpson.

Ooh, donut. Yum.

Oh. Heavy. Stomach hurts.

Ooh, donut. Yum.

If you listen closely to this blog, you can hear them calling.

Maybe if I wash them down with coffee, everything will be different.

How could one possibly avoid a donut called Chocolate Thunder?

I'd wind up sitting there, on the couch, hoping the fan wasn't obstructed by automobiles, or anything else.

• High school was hell for me, but not for the reasons you think. It was mainly English classes, where I'd literally horrify the teachers by producing prose such as this. And quoting Zappa lyrics. One teacher had to take mental health leave after that. 
• I used to feel like that after Shakespeare. I know exactly one person who understands Shakespeare. I'd look at the book and wonder what language it was in. I passed English because I was a Grammar Nazi, not because I could read the alleged literature. I passed Science befcause I understood it, not because I dissected frogs. I gave the teacher the choice of picking me up off the floor, or letting me pass because I understood science. He took the wise option. I have no idea how I passed gym. Probably because I showed up. For the torture. 

The Prince and Princess of Wales (William and Kate) took over a British radio station to host a mental health special. 

Because no one knows about the trials and instabilities of the common man like a Prince or Princess.

William: Prince of Wales here.

Caller: Am I on the air?

William: Yes you are. I'm William. How can I help?

Caller: I'm hearing you twice.

William: Turn off your radio, you twat.

Caller: isn't that typical of a royal

William: I'm very sorry. How can we help you?

Caller: I get a lot of headaches when I beat my wife.

William: Kate?

Kate: Don't beat your wife.

Caller: I never thought of that. Thank you, ma'am.

Next Caller: I'm really worried about a financial collapse in the colonies.

William: You should contact that whore, Meghan. She knows all about collapses.

Kate: I'm so sorry, but we must jet off now. We're going to wear silly hats for poor children in Nambia.

William: Zambia.

Kate: Nambia, Zambia, what's the fscking difference?

Host: We'd like to thank the Prince and Princess for taking over the station and their emminent wisdom on the topic of mental health. Please tune in next weekend when King Chuck will be here to talk about the finances of the average and the poor.

A teenaged boy was shot multiple times outside of a San Antonio, Texas, McDonald's. The officer, who has been fired, stated that the boy was eating the burger "in a threatening manner".

The entire Uvalde school police force was jettisoned last week. A good guess was the way they stood there for 70+ minutes while Cruz was inside, shooting away.

I wasn't there and don't know much about police operations, but I wonder if this is something that should be dealt with at the top. The boss was already fired. Can a new boss effectively get the existing force into shape? Or is this something that had to be done for PR?  Not to worry, the school is being covered via a different police force. 

Ketamine reduces depression symptoms within hours. Here’s how the psychedelic drug works so fast

It's actively being used against treatment-resistent depression. This is a great sign. It's definitely better than ECT (shock therapy). I think we still have very little idea how depression works, but if something works, without turning you green or spitting out your pancreas, it's good. Hopefully it can also be used on people with bipolar disorder, who can't use certain antidepressants (SSRI, for one). 

Derrell Brooks ran down many people in Waukausha, Wisconsin, at a parade. 6 died, many more injured. I have a macabre question that has not been asked: if he was on a mowing spree, why didn't he drive down the center of the street, where he could have killed so many more? He drove off to the side. Even one murder is too many, but I'd like the question answered, Your Honor. Brooks is representing himself, which is never a smart idea. 

Further on Kanye's antisemitic rants: I'm going to take my normal stand against "Hate Speech." There IS no hate speech, only speech, whether you like it or not. Instead of being banned, it needs to be kept in the light, where it can be seen and monitored. Howard Stern had the KKK Guy on for a while, and he served to bring the organization into the light for all of Howard's listeners. Howard made him explain his stances. The guy was particularly upset about Robin, who is black. Like most humans who are in frequent contact, he did ok with her.  So let Kanye rant - it's good where we can see it. We can then act accordingly. Plus it might keep the ADL quiet, if that's possible. 

Last time I watched a police-type show, they were looking for a lady, so they checked for her car. They found the car, via satellite radio. Read it again: satellite radio. They were able to track the signal and locate her car. It's also possible via On-Star-like services. And your phone. Keep that in mind. Not that you're doin ganything wrong, just that you're supposed to be free of tracking.

Food Shopping antics 

Lunchmeat went up to $18/lb, but that was IF you could find it. They order and the supplier 'forgets' to show up or drops off way less. The trashcan looked nice, but not $75 nice. WTF is going on here? It's like we're going backwards, only with higher prices. $11 tub of butter substitute. A case of Coke was $7.50 - I mainline this stuff - might as well go back to crack. Just keeping you in the loop.

Do NOT Press the Red Button. NOT Red. Ok?

Your love is like  broken glass underwear

• Maybe if I say "the sofa told me to bomb that building," I can get it taken away free.

Today I identify as  male pattern baldness

• Why do so many horror movies have a dance scene at a high school gym?

 It's the weekend. Some weekend. I got up at the crack of 2pm and stumbled around, looking for the coffee machine. It was days ago, but it's always International Coffee Day for us. We found a new barbecue place and were excited to go. Well one of us was more excited than the other, apparently. The other announced she/they were taking a nap. Napping, as you know, is not conducive to getting bbq. It is also not conducive to getting pizza, Chinese, or a nice Brazilian wax.

I politely waited for the nap to end, neglecting to perform my brand new concerto for cymbals and explosives. It's a real hummer and the end's a real bang. Eventually I heard the stirring. Then the walking. To and fro, to and fro. Then the bathroom. Back to the bedroom. Hall for a bit. Bathroom again. Guys, we're all smart enough to know we'll never understand women. We won't even get close, so there's no point obsessing or being mad about it. Twenty minutes later she pops down. I figured she must've been getting dressed in something special to take that long. Yes, they were special jeans, with special holes in them. And she's always the better dressed of us. Twenty minutes.

I'm ready to go out to the car, but I know better. Wait... wait... wait..... she has to figure out which coat to wear - it's starting to get chilly. Where's her phone? Normal guys would be very mad and very loud by this time. I am not normal and the doctors have told me it's not healthy, as has my lawyer.

Oh, wait. I bought flowers for the neighbor for the favor she did for us. I better give her some jam too.

Why can't you just give her the flowers, like you said? 

It was a really big favor. See this card?

Of course there's a card too. 

The technique on the front is called frontechnique. It's brand new and very fancy.

That's magnificent. Should we give them a vacuum too? Better yet, a mower!  

Just go to the car.

[the phrase guaranteeing longevity in relationships]  Yes, Dear.

I drive to the restaurant. The first thing we see is a large Eagles banner, with the schedule for the season. 

Uh-oh.

You see those kinds of things on sports bars. I'm here to eat barbecue. Out of the car, I stand there like a dolt. Why? Because of the thing that controls my life: cigarettes. I have to stand there because part of a cigarette must be smoked before we go into any building. Since most people don't like smoke, we stand further out. Then I wait. And wait. And take the time to wait.

Finally in the restaurant, we discover it's not a restaurant, it's a sports bar. The little voices in my head are no longer little, and they're telling me stuff it would be better not to repeat, especially in a sports bar. They were kind enough to suggest there's a table in back. When they say there's a table in back, it means there's a table outside, in the gray rain, in a little shed, and somebody's already sitting at it. The waitress seemed surprised we didn't like that option, but found a small table with lawn chairs for us, near the humongous circular bar, where we could smell the wonderful smell of barbecue. Mrs. lefty has spent enough time being Mrs. lefty to know how I am going to react so she thanks the nice waitress, grabs my hand, and RUNS out of the place. She didn't even have the time to give her any flowers. Or a card.

I get in the car. You know what's next, right? A cigarette. I must wait for the other half of the cigarette to be smoked before she gets in the car. My foot is tapping on the gas pedal, in a most threatening and a-rhythmic way.  I was doing everything I could to not back the car up and drive home. When the half cigarette was done (halleleuhah!) we discussed going to a real restaurant. As we start discussing, I hear the door open.

What are you doing?

I'm going to smoke a cigarette.

I'm told my scream could be heard in four states.

I want Chinese food.

Fine. Drop me at home and get Chinese food.

Ok, what do you want?

I want something very special.

What?

Nothing. You know I don't like Chinese food.  [imitates martyred mother] Don't worry about me eating. I'll have a cracker or something.

Is this sarcasm?

Have I eaten Chinese food in the last twenty years? 

Oh.

She returns an hour later. The Chinese food place is two blocks over. They watched her standing there for ten minutes before telling her there was a 45 minute wait. They are take-out only.

Is this Cosmic Revenge or what?

The next place had a register breakdown.

The next place had power problems.

The last place, a convenience store, had food, but didn't carry milk in gallons. Since the last gallon we bought, 2 days ago.

She came home, dying to tell me about this, but I had gone nappy, due to my inability to deal with it anymore. I can safely assume she went out back to have a cigarette.

• As we rush(?) to the end of another year, we're still stuck with GAME CHANGER. Won't this pox on the language ever go? 
• Don't forget this year's worst: super.  It's super bad in our super happy lexicon.
• and the fscking Medicare commercials... those people better walk around carefully, because they may be at risk of serious bodily injury if anybody sees them on the street.

In case you missed it, sex change surgery is out. "Gender affirming" surgery is in. A major hospital just stopped all procedures on children under 18, due to republican pressure. As much as I hate to admit it, the republicans are right. You can look back in the blog history for statements to the effect that under 18's are not equipped to make this important decision. Some over 18's are not equipped either.  I get that you feel the way you do and I respect it. But wait til you're at least 18. In the meantime, live the way you feel.  

The weather is back.

We have 2 seasons: Hot and Rainy.  Hot runs from June-September and rainy is the rest of the year. Spring and Fall were fired; we were told it was a Supply Chain Issue. When I was little, the seasons changed gradually. Now Mother Nature flips the switch and voila, it's the next season. Last week it was 90. Today it's 50, gray, and raining. It's been that way for days. Mother Nature is a bit of a Certified Bitch<tm>, hence Hurricane Ian and the misery constant gray skies bring. Either that or she's flipped her wig and is waiting for a room at the Happy Place<tm>. Global warming my ass.

The republicans are dropping their fight against Obamacare.

I told you: 2 sides of the same warped coin.

 Dear lefty 

We have 3 trash cans in the house, due to recycling. Does this mean I need 3 trash cans in the bathrooms, bedrooms and office?  - Puzzled in PA

Dear Stupid: I am not going to answer that question. Just call the local Trash Police and ask them. They will say something about your medication being off and send you on your way. OCD is not a pretty thing.

Speaking of OCD, I tread lightly with Mrs lefty. I don't make fun of any of her diagnoses. Except OCD. I guess I'll never get over being an Asshole. It's a compulsion (sorry). My latest is coming out of the closet and saying I have it too. So when the tv has to be on an even number, I tell her is has to be on an ODD number. Whenever I have to put anything in her pocketbook, it must be over 3' in the air.  My sandwiches have to be cut straight, while hers are diagonal. I told you I'm an asshole. But I'm a lovable asshole. I may not be easy to live with and I may not be easy on the eyes, and I may not dress well, but.... at least I'm an asshole.

Cult leader meets the Pope: Apple CEO chats to Francis

JFC, if they ever get together, I'm toast. I'm toast already, but I'll go down a few levels in hell.

Fun Fact: Toyota's CEO is Akio Toyoda

I mentioned getting attacked at the refrigerator by the lidless container of chopped liver. It happened again, this time with yogurt. All I did was open the door, and the large yogurt container shot past me, in a short trajectory to the floor. Yes, it had a lid on it this time, but this didn't seem to matter. Rivers of yogurt all over the fridge, the floor, the flamethrower AND the chainsaw, and of course, me.

I'm beginning to think the fridge doesn't like me. It keeps launching stuff at me.

If the fridge was really smart, it would get warm when the door is closed, making me unknowingly eat food that had gone bad. Instead, it lobs the stuff at me. I can't imagine why it's so upset at me.. I paid for it, use it regularly, feed it, and talk nicely to it when I walk by. I'm working on Be Nice to Your Fridge Day. I'm having trouble getting it passed; UC Berkeley says I'm insensitive because not everyone has a refrigerator. 

Come to think of it, most things in this house send projectiles in my direction. Wife, dog, fridge, side tables, and the rocket launcher (which is particularly nasty). What have I done? Do I have a bullseye tattoo on my forehead? Am I the fat kid in my house? Will I have to spend another few years on the therapist's couch (assuming it doesn't throw things at me)?

I want a bowl of cereal. This requires milk, which requires opening the fridge. I'll need my kevlar underwear, a facemask, and one of those I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up thingies.

One of these is King Charles. One is a Cavalier King Charles spaniel. 

One has huge flaps on the sides of his head. The other is a dog.

Ever since Charles' recent promotion, his mates have been instructed not to use any of his old nicknames in public

• Chuck
• Princy
• King, NOT!
• Susan
• 'arry's Dad

Augmented eyewear is here! This is generation 2 of Things That Make You Walk Into Walls.

I expect you out there, with your phones, taking video. Extra points for somebody falling into a hole.

Coroner lists Instagram algorithm as contributing cause of UK teen’s death

  

"an act of self-harm whilst suffering from depression and the negative effects of online content."

The family is naturally blaming Meta and Pinterest. I hate like hell to sound like a Redditor, but if the family, who spends more visual time with her than social media, looked at her well-being, maybe they could have gotten her some help. Or if she spoke up.

Now that social media has been listed as an official cause of death, people will be coming out of the woodwork to censor.  Please read the article and make up your own mind.

Morally, it's absolutely sick the way Pinterest and Meta's algorithms wound up giving the girl back what she was looking at in suggestions (self-harm, suicide). They can do better, but it wasn't set up this way on purpose.

You know me as a First Amendment supporter and a free internet supporter. It was designed to be redundant and free. Now countries are blocking an censoring and installing OFF switches. With all this admitted crap available, the parents have a responsibility to look into what their kids are doing. It's not radically different from what parents have done all along. Of course the UK is putting together the Online Safety Bill. It has already censored saying bad things about people, with a fine.

There is nothing sadder than losing a child. We are terribly sorry for the family's loss. 

Security forces were forced to a Tehran university, due to protests.

What Security didn't know is that TU is a remote partner of UC Berkeley, which was shut down in solidarity.

The FCC ruled that all the cell carriers have to help each other in an emergency. Because unfortunately, you have to legislate what neighbors would do. Meanwhile, the only communications were the radio amateurs (hams). They were also the only communications on 9-11, when all cells were overloaded or down. They're like a volunteer army of people doing this for the general good.   arrl.org

Be advised: because of the Flying AIDS, Christmas trees will be more expensive this year.

And they will have to wear masks.

No, seriously, did the virus inhibit growth in trees? Did Fauci invest in trees? 

Kanye went 'death con 3' on the Jews, but can't be antisemitic because blacks are Jews too.

He was immediately tossed off social medias (obviously because the Jews, of which he is one, own it).

I like Kanye. Not his alleged music, but his outbursts. He was really funny with Trump. He generally made sense, whether or not you agreed with him. This one seems a bit... odd, paranoid, conspiratorial, silly, and requiring more sleep or less chemical assistance. Everyone knows the Jews run the banks, not the record companies. Sheesh. Can't anyone find him a long-haired woman with an incredibly large butt for her size? She could keep him 'busy' to avoid these outbursts. But what do I know about rap?

I just proofread this blog.

Small wonder the only comments I get are from therapists.

Why is it Always Semprini?

Ticketmaster, that evil entity that lets you think you can purchase overpriced tickets online, emailed to let me know that the Sixers' schedule is in.

I'm holding out for Hitler on Ice, Opera for the Attention Deficited, and Ballet: a brief 10 day course.



In today's IT report, shit got leaked, a credit security company put 1 million records online for anyone, and you have to approve a warning before you use your IoT stove. The stove will stop working if it can't get to the internet and will talk the other appliances into going on strike. So nothing new.

Faceyspaces has long denied shadowbanning.
This makes their new patent for shadowbanning somewhat suspicious.


You should probably wait to buy an oven that you can set to preheat remotely. The June oven has been turning itself on during the night and preheating to 400 for hours, after an update. June promises another update, but says it's a user error, not an oven error.

Need to reset your smart GE light bulb? Find instructions, turn on for 3 seconds, stand on left foot, swear you'll never buy a smart device ever,

• In case you somehow failed to discover it, here's a full list of Monty Python episodes.

Dear lefty

• Everything in the world that's happening has me worried. What do I do?
• Get drunk, mix with pills, drive, and yell at people. You'll feel better and won't remember any of it.

Having a good day today? Let me fix that....
Our good friends at the Army germ lab (Ft. Detrick) have been ordered to shut down research involving dangerous microbes like Ebola by the Centers for Disease Control. Did you ever think you'd see the day when the CDC could shut down the army?

In case you don't remember, Ft. Detrick is where the lab lost, misplaced, or was otherwise found to be short of all sorts of disease samples.  These people can't be trusted to secure a cold virus (which is precisely why they work on ebola).

Better now?



But wait - there's more! Hiding in plain sight!
The Pentagon is testing mass surveillance balloons over the US. It's in the actual non-fake news.



Over in New York's Hudson Valley, people are up in arms because the new tenants of a housing development will be Hasidic Jews. Can you imagine the furor that would erupt if the buyers were black and this was said? I'm surprised the Antisemite Squad hasn't been out. There doesn't seem to be any real reason for the uproar presented.... just a few minor complaints. Maybe the Antisemite Squad is right (this one time - don't cry wolf).

• Over at the airlines, support miniature horses are now allowed to fly. This gives me hope for my Emotional Support Elephant.
• A Fresno, California, man, winning a taco-eating contest, died. He choked on a taco. Usually when people die from tacos, it involves Taco Bell.

Joe Biden's (D-Molestia) people are talking about scaling back his appearances to limit gaffes. I say get him more appearances. This is the Joe Biden we know and love. The Joe Biden we expected. He's finally living down to his potential!


Groundbreaking sperm sorting could let parents choose the sex of the baby.
Can you imagine having that job?
What if they want to have a trans baby?




Let's talk pressure cookers, the Manhattan kind.

Mrs lefty said maybe someone got a good deal at a department store.
She's deadly sometimes.

The bomb squad eventually discovered the cookers were harmless.
Obviously this was a tasteless prank (my favorite kind).

We need to have a common sense talk about pressure cooker control.
Nobody needs 2 pressure cookers. Only the government should have pressure cookers.

The Pressure Cooker Pranker was caught, because of way too many video surveillance systems; both city and transit.  Yes, you're being video'd - but it's for the children.





Hero of the Stupid
A motorist was visited by the police and found to have EIGHT phones with EIGHT games of Pokemon going at the same time. In his defense, the fellow was pulled off to the side of the road - not driving. The policeman made him put his rig in the back seat before continuing. the picture is priceless.

Bill DeBlasio says he can beat Donald Trump because of his height. "The tall candidate almost always wins."





SJW Stuff

Humanoid robots modeled after white celebrities might be racism, according to a study.

NY university promotes paper comparing cow insemination to 'rape', and milking cows to 'sexual abuse'.  Apparently no one told them that calling it rape means they fuck cows.

A student built a 'Cry Closet,' meant to be a safe space for stressed out students.


Katy Perry has been accused of sexual misconduct. "Teenage Dream" costar Josh Kloss said Perry pulled down his pants at a party.  Back in the day, this was called funny, hijinks, and Good Clean Fun. Some would give their firstborn to be pantsed by Katy Perry.

Sexual Harassment in the Workplace - a How-To

What did I learn at school work today?
I learned there are specific things you may not pick on.
This comes as a bit of a shock to me after learning that there is no discrimination tolerated in the workplace or the country. I am an equal opportunity unnerver: I hate everybody equally, and I strive to keep discrimination out of my unnerving and picking. Apparently I have to discriminate based upon certain criteria:

• Under sex, I may not needle anyone over pregnancy. Does this mean if somebody tells a woman how wonderful she looks with her pregnant glow, they're harassing her? I can understand asking her where she found clothes for her size elephant, but not positive comments on her appearance. As if that weren't fun enough, you can't make light of someone's genetic information (hey - nice chromosomes!), gender identity (Hey Tony - do you identify as male or female on Tuesdays?), or marital stuff (you're married? What a putz!). Naturally this group includes transgendered people (Tina - about your date.... didja tell him you had a penis yet?).
• Under sex, it's unwelcome sexual advances (but not welcome ones, including to pregnant women, if you're into that sort of thing), requests for sexual favors (no statement on wanted or unwanted), conduct of a sexual nature (getting caught in the Boom Boom Room), and when it interferes with performance (Mr. Smith, your constant harassment of the janitorial staff, although wanted, has impacted your (and their) performance. You can't get your job done effectively during Mop Time, which you have scheduled in the Boom Boom Room every hour or so). Homework: Is asking  "How long does it take you to recharge?" sexual harassment?
• I may NOT post critiques of my coworkers on social media (if it affects my work performance). Goodbye ThermionicEmissions.
• Anyone observing harassment must immediately go to HR, to have the incident graded. HR has the best sexual harassment jokes.
• If one of the people under you is reported to have harassed someone, you are hereby ordered to cover it up with great speed; including ripping, shredding, and small fires.

My wife is, to use a really horrid phrase, all that and a bag of chips.
We try to eat healthy. I have taken the unprecedented step of trading one soda per day for lemon water (I'm down to 5 sodas per day!). It hurts, but one must do what one can. Also cutting out most of the junk sugar, which hurts even more. I keep hearing that white sugar is poison. If that's true, I say let the suicide continue!

Wife always comes up with Interesting Stuff. This week it's veggie chips. Not content with regular veggie chips, these are sweet potato and beet chips. It may sound disgusting, and in fact is. Well, the beet chips anyway. You have this large bag of chips, half of which you will not eat, lest you turn as purple as the chips. Beet chips. Whose wonderful friggin' idea was that? Ok, marketing staff - we need the Next Big Thing in allegedly healthy snacks. Because people feel good about eating a 400 calorie veggie chip instead of a 40 calorie potato chip.

• It's a good time to be a criminal in the UK. Well, a female criminal anyway. "Women should no longer be sent to prison unless they have committed a serious crime," the Justice Secretary said yesterday.
• Just when you thought you heard the height of ridiculous, the UK comes along and tops it. In their quest for equality, women have achieved it and better. They are now more equal than their penile-equipped opposite numbers.
• If you're male, make sure you identify as female during the crime, which must be respected.

A Michigan State University economist found $21 TRILLION in unauthorized government Defense Department spending. Government Math does not take into account inflation (or reality). This is made worse by the Defense Department budget being $9.5 trillion.

Take a moment to consider this. Your tax dollars are funding a $21 trillion Defense Department spend, among millions of other things. Ever wonder how much the government steals collects in taxes? I'm sure the figures are available for those who look, but $21 trillion for defense spending alone? Not including staff and property? There is no time better than now to abolish the income tax, illegally passed, as a 'temporary' measure. Look at what your hard earned money is funding. From the last chart I saw, Defense is not the largest part of the budget - entitlements are (welfare, Medicare, Medicaid).

If you wish to give your money to Defense or entitlements, that's fine with me. Just don't take mine by force. If you don't believe income tax is taken by force, try not paying yours.

Things would be much better if we cut government radically. Maintain a strong defensive military. Keep the roads in good shape. Don't commission studies on cow flatulence or fund arts. Don't send billions in financial and military aid to our allies. You'll have a lot more of your own money to spend or save as you wish, plus limited government interference. Sound good?

By the way, the last admission of not being able to account for trillions of dollars was given by Donald Rumsfeld on 9-10-2001 and obscured by something that happened the next day.

• Because we learn from our failures, particularly the Equifax data breach, Exactis, a data broker, recently exposed over 300 million personal records. The database was attached to the internet without a firewall. Without a firewall. This is a kindergarten level booboo. What blithering idiot connects a computer to the net without protection? Exactis, apparently.
• Data including personal interests, home and email addresses, religious beliefs, smoking status, phone numbers, and even the number, age and sex of a family's children was available to anyone who looked. It remains to be seen whether they're too big to jail, like Equifax.
• Speaking of Equifax, a former manager, who sold shares in the company before it disclosed the breach, has been charged with insider trading. He settled, returning his $75,000 gain, plus profits. He is the second insider to be charged. I was mistaken when I said no one would be charged for this.

Things to tell your friends at parties:
At the beginning of 2018, 63% of Web traffic comes from mobile devices; it is expected to pass 2/3 of all traffic by the end of the year. You should probably follow this up with a Kardashian quote, so your friends don't look at you funny.

• Hey, what's Faceyspaces up to this week? They've filed for a number of patents on technologies that help them spy on even more user data, including sleeping, during tv shows, tracking daily routines, checking cell phone location against friends' cell phones, identify and track phone cameras. Patents don't mean the technology is in place, but this is Faceyspaces we're talking about. This will show you how they think.

If you're a Ticketmaster customer, anywhere except North America, your information probably got stolen.

• You can't pay for this kind of entertainment: President Trump put "Low IQ" Maxine Waters on notice for her call to verbally harass and harm Trump supporters.
• It is illegal to incite a riot of ten or more people.

I mostly enter the bedroom at night, with the lights off, to avoid waking anyone, woman or dog.

Creak goes the door.
Noiselessly he enters.
The almost noiseless bump, as he walks right into a 6' clothing wall.
The sudden loud cursing as he gives up the idea of not waking anybody and decides maybe they need to be awakened after all.

When I'm not walking into walls of clothes in the dark, I have to admit it's a great idea. Marshall gets to move around less impeded and has more area to rest (although he seems to like the bed now, out of spite). Do not walk into a dark room and sit on your bed, next to or on top of a sleeping spaniel with a Cone of Shame. It's an experience you will not want to repeat, and one that will cause numerous expensive hours of therapy just to get you back in the room, no less in the bed.

The only problem here is that the 6' wall of clothing includes many of my clothes. And they're the very important kind: clean. It looks like the wall was created by using the clean clothes as the base, then dumping out several hampers' worth of dirty clothes on top. Apparently this was not a problem, as it was for the dog. However, this will be a problem when she, who does the laundry, realizes that she now has 6' of dirty clothes that she made dirty. Her Dirt Sensors will go on overload. Good thing I have weeks of extra clothes. Bad thing they're all under the dirty ones.

Speaking of bed, getting into bed has reached critical mass again. Something about my bed, particularly my spot, causes deep distortions in the fabric of space and time. Either physics or my wife or Marshall is really unhappy about me getting into an unmolested bed (stay with me - it's not what you think). Most normal humans (that explains it) walk into a room and get into bed. Poof - that simple. Not me.  Once I bump into the 6' wall of clothing or someone's collection of hangers that were left on the floor to sort by color, I locate the bed, managing to hit it about 68% of the time, sometimes by falling on it. Anyone else could go to sleep and that would be all. Since it's our house, things don't work that way.

I do not get into bed without problems. They're not earth shattering problems, but they tend to get annoying on a nightly basis. They should be interesting because they're different every night, but no. Last night I sat on something. Fortunately it wasn't the dog because I don't want a cone up my butt. No, this felt like what it was; a pile of clothes, as determined by the sensory apparatus in my ass. It was an interesting pile of neatly folded clothes, perhaps put there to avoid getting dirty as part of the 6' wall of clothes. Regardless, none of this was helping me get into bed and off to sleep, so I moved them. Right on top of my wife, who continued sleeping. I figured she'd know what to do with them, if Marshall didn't make pillows out of them (she got up the next morning and asked why there were clothes in the bed). If there are no clothes, the mattress has shifted a foot off its normal position. If the mattress was hanging four feet in the air, it would no longer surprise me.

Sometimes I have to move the dog off my pillow, which is apparently a very popular spot when I'm not there. In fact, sometimes I'm lucky to find a pillow at all, after it was snatched by the Pillow Pilferers, aka my wife. She has twelve of them - why steal mine? After moving the dog and locating the pillow, something else feels wrong. Yes, the main sheet has SPROINGED loose from the mattress and is somewhere in the middle of the bed. The middle of the bed is a slippery designation which can range from True Middle to the last 6" that I've been allotted for the night. Trying to locate the end of the sheet is only slightly more difficult than world peace, so I try to ignore it. It turns out that I forget all about the sheet when I discover half the pillow is hanging off the bed. My personal sheet (we have to use two because someone steals it and twirls it around themselves, in an allegedly unconscious move) has been stolen and all I have is my blanket, which isn't all that useful in high temperature/high humidity situations.

Are you getting the idea?
It's very difficult to get in bed at all, without entertainment.

I wonder if the wife and dog only pretend to be asleep, but are actually doing these things for their amusement. They're both very clever.

Every night I check my alarm. This is because I need to know it's set and will go off at the correct time, so when the correct time arrives, it won't go off and I will remember that I checked it. This is important when I'm screaming because the alarm didn't go off. This alarm, given to me by my late grandmother, is distinguished by its yellowing plastic and a HUGE crack/dent in the top, which happened when it didn't go off one day and I showed it I was displeased.

Plugging my phone into the charger, I discover there's no plug - it has snaked its way down to the back of the bed, requiring bedroom fishing, a sport that I just invented. It's on the floor next to my earbuds, which I use so as to not disturb Wife with the All Night Porn Binges. Or the radio, depending on my mood.

The other night there was barely any room because of the elephant. Sometimes it's stuffed animals, in addition to the real one(s).

I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know    - Groucho Marx

 The other night it was a 1982 Chevy wagon. This was most unfortunate, as the 70s Chevys had more room under them, so I could slide right in. In fact, I had a 75 Chevy wagon with so much room under the hood, my dad could fit in there and close the hood. He still needed a light to work on the engine. Also found were army men (we don't HAVE any army men), lingerie (I don't HAVE any lingerie), hangars (the airplane kind), and dust that's about to die from old age. There's an awful lot of movement in bed for people who aren't doing that other thing people do in bed. And by that, I mean snoring. She snores so loudly that I can feel the floor vibrating downstairs. Apparently that's nothing compared to MY snoring, which upsets even the 75% deaf dog, as well as the antedeluvian dust. Tiny amounts of this dust were around to comfort Jesus during that rather unpleasant being nailed to wood affair. I was against it.

So yeah, getting into bed is always a negatively interesting activity. If there were an Olympic getting into bed event, I would win the gold, with the silver winner far off in my dust. With Jesus.