Do NOT Press the Red Button. NOT Red. Ok?

Your love is like  broken glass underwear

• Maybe if I say "the sofa told me to bomb that building," I can get it taken away free.

Today I identify as  male pattern baldness

• Why do so many horror movies have a dance scene at a high school gym?

 It's the weekend. Some weekend. I got up at the crack of 2pm and stumbled around, looking for the coffee machine. It was days ago, but it's always International Coffee Day for us. We found a new barbecue place and were excited to go. Well one of us was more excited than the other, apparently. The other announced she/they were taking a nap. Napping, as you know, is not conducive to getting bbq. It is also not conducive to getting pizza, Chinese, or a nice Brazilian wax.

I politely waited for the nap to end, neglecting to perform my brand new concerto for cymbals and explosives. It's a real hummer and the end's a real bang. Eventually I heard the stirring. Then the walking. To and fro, to and fro. Then the bathroom. Back to the bedroom. Hall for a bit. Bathroom again. Guys, we're all smart enough to know we'll never understand women. We won't even get close, so there's no point obsessing or being mad about it. Twenty minutes later she pops down. I figured she must've been getting dressed in something special to take that long. Yes, they were special jeans, with special holes in them. And she's always the better dressed of us. Twenty minutes.

I'm ready to go out to the car, but I know better. Wait... wait... wait..... she has to figure out which coat to wear - it's starting to get chilly. Where's her phone? Normal guys would be very mad and very loud by this time. I am not normal and the doctors have told me it's not healthy, as has my lawyer.

Oh, wait. I bought flowers for the neighbor for the favor she did for us. I better give her some jam too.

Why can't you just give her the flowers, like you said? 

It was a really big favor. See this card?

Of course there's a card too. 

The technique on the front is called frontechnique. It's brand new and very fancy.

That's magnificent. Should we give them a vacuum too? Better yet, a mower!  

Just go to the car.

[the phrase guaranteeing longevity in relationships]  Yes, Dear.

I drive to the restaurant. The first thing we see is a large Eagles banner, with the schedule for the season. 

Uh-oh.

You see those kinds of things on sports bars. I'm here to eat barbecue. Out of the car, I stand there like a dolt. Why? Because of the thing that controls my life: cigarettes. I have to stand there because part of a cigarette must be smoked before we go into any building. Since most people don't like smoke, we stand further out. Then I wait. And wait. And take the time to wait.

Finally in the restaurant, we discover it's not a restaurant, it's a sports bar. The little voices in my head are no longer little, and they're telling me stuff it would be better not to repeat, especially in a sports bar. They were kind enough to suggest there's a table in back. When they say there's a table in back, it means there's a table outside, in the gray rain, in a little shed, and somebody's already sitting at it. The waitress seemed surprised we didn't like that option, but found a small table with lawn chairs for us, near the humongous circular bar, where we could smell the wonderful smell of barbecue. Mrs. lefty has spent enough time being Mrs. lefty to know how I am going to react so she thanks the nice waitress, grabs my hand, and RUNS out of the place. She didn't even have the time to give her any flowers. Or a card.

I get in the car. You know what's next, right? A cigarette. I must wait for the other half of the cigarette to be smoked before she gets in the car. My foot is tapping on the gas pedal, in a most threatening and a-rhythmic way.  I was doing everything I could to not back the car up and drive home. When the half cigarette was done (halleleuhah!) we discussed going to a real restaurant. As we start discussing, I hear the door open.

What are you doing?

I'm going to smoke a cigarette.

I'm told my scream could be heard in four states.

I want Chinese food.

Fine. Drop me at home and get Chinese food.

Ok, what do you want?

I want something very special.

What?

Nothing. You know I don't like Chinese food.  [imitates martyred mother] Don't worry about me eating. I'll have a cracker or something.

Is this sarcasm?

Have I eaten Chinese food in the last twenty years? 

Oh.

She returns an hour later. The Chinese food place is two blocks over. They watched her standing there for ten minutes before telling her there was a 45 minute wait. They are take-out only.

Is this Cosmic Revenge or what?

The next place had a register breakdown.

The next place had power problems.

The last place, a convenience store, had food, but didn't carry milk in gallons. Since the last gallon we bought, 2 days ago.

She came home, dying to tell me about this, but I had gone nappy, due to my inability to deal with it anymore. I can safely assume she went out back to have a cigarette.

• As we rush(?) to the end of another year, we're still stuck with GAME CHANGER. Won't this pox on the language ever go? 
• Don't forget this year's worst: super.  It's super bad in our super happy lexicon.
• and the fscking Medicare commercials... those people better walk around carefully, because they may be at risk of serious bodily injury if anybody sees them on the street.

In case you missed it, sex change surgery is out. "Gender affirming" surgery is in. A major hospital just stopped all procedures on children under 18, due to republican pressure. As much as I hate to admit it, the republicans are right. You can look back in the blog history for statements to the effect that under 18's are not equipped to make this important decision. Some over 18's are not equipped either.  I get that you feel the way you do and I respect it. But wait til you're at least 18. In the meantime, live the way you feel.  

The weather is back.

We have 2 seasons: Hot and Rainy.  Hot runs from June-September and rainy is the rest of the year. Spring and Fall were fired; we were told it was a Supply Chain Issue. When I was little, the seasons changed gradually. Now Mother Nature flips the switch and voila, it's the next season. Last week it was 90. Today it's 50, gray, and raining. It's been that way for days. Mother Nature is a bit of a Certified Bitch<tm>, hence Hurricane Ian and the misery constant gray skies bring. Either that or she's flipped her wig and is waiting for a room at the Happy Place<tm>. Global warming my ass.

The republicans are dropping their fight against Obamacare.

I told you: 2 sides of the same warped coin.

 Dear lefty 

We have 3 trash cans in the house, due to recycling. Does this mean I need 3 trash cans in the bathrooms, bedrooms and office?  - Puzzled in PA

Dear Stupid: I am not going to answer that question. Just call the local Trash Police and ask them. They will say something about your medication being off and send you on your way. OCD is not a pretty thing.

Speaking of OCD, I tread lightly with Mrs lefty. I don't make fun of any of her diagnoses. Except OCD. I guess I'll never get over being an Asshole. It's a compulsion (sorry). My latest is coming out of the closet and saying I have it too. So when the tv has to be on an even number, I tell her is has to be on an ODD number. Whenever I have to put anything in her pocketbook, it must be over 3' in the air.  My sandwiches have to be cut straight, while hers are diagonal. I told you I'm an asshole. But I'm a lovable asshole. I may not be easy to live with and I may not be easy on the eyes, and I may not dress well, but.... at least I'm an asshole.

Cult leader meets the Pope: Apple CEO chats to Francis

JFC, if they ever get together, I'm toast. I'm toast already, but I'll go down a few levels in hell.

Fun Fact: Toyota's CEO is Akio Toyoda

I mentioned getting attacked at the refrigerator by the lidless container of chopped liver. It happened again, this time with yogurt. All I did was open the door, and the large yogurt container shot past me, in a short trajectory to the floor. Yes, it had a lid on it this time, but this didn't seem to matter. Rivers of yogurt all over the fridge, the floor, the flamethrower AND the chainsaw, and of course, me.

I'm beginning to think the fridge doesn't like me. It keeps launching stuff at me.

If the fridge was really smart, it would get warm when the door is closed, making me unknowingly eat food that had gone bad. Instead, it lobs the stuff at me. I can't imagine why it's so upset at me.. I paid for it, use it regularly, feed it, and talk nicely to it when I walk by. I'm working on Be Nice to Your Fridge Day. I'm having trouble getting it passed; UC Berkeley says I'm insensitive because not everyone has a refrigerator. 

Come to think of it, most things in this house send projectiles in my direction. Wife, dog, fridge, side tables, and the rocket launcher (which is particularly nasty). What have I done? Do I have a bullseye tattoo on my forehead? Am I the fat kid in my house? Will I have to spend another few years on the therapist's couch (assuming it doesn't throw things at me)?

I want a bowl of cereal. This requires milk, which requires opening the fridge. I'll need my kevlar underwear, a facemask, and one of those I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up thingies.

One of these is King Charles. One is a Cavalier King Charles spaniel. 

One has huge flaps on the sides of his head. The other is a dog.

Ever since Charles' recent promotion, his mates have been instructed not to use any of his old nicknames in public

• Chuck
• Princy
• King, NOT!
• Susan
• 'arry's Dad

Augmented eyewear is here! This is generation 2 of Things That Make You Walk Into Walls.

I expect you out there, with your phones, taking video. Extra points for somebody falling into a hole.

Coroner lists Instagram algorithm as contributing cause of UK teen’s death

  

"an act of self-harm whilst suffering from depression and the negative effects of online content."

The family is naturally blaming Meta and Pinterest. I hate like hell to sound like a Redditor, but if the family, who spends more visual time with her than social media, looked at her well-being, maybe they could have gotten her some help. Or if she spoke up.

Now that social media has been listed as an official cause of death, people will be coming out of the woodwork to censor.  Please read the article and make up your own mind.

Morally, it's absolutely sick the way Pinterest and Meta's algorithms wound up giving the girl back what she was looking at in suggestions (self-harm, suicide). They can do better, but it wasn't set up this way on purpose.

You know me as a First Amendment supporter and a free internet supporter. It was designed to be redundant and free. Now countries are blocking an censoring and installing OFF switches. With all this admitted crap available, the parents have a responsibility to look into what their kids are doing. It's not radically different from what parents have done all along. Of course the UK is putting together the Online Safety Bill. It has already censored saying bad things about people, with a fine.

There is nothing sadder than losing a child. We are terribly sorry for the family's loss. 

Security forces were forced to a Tehran university, due to protests.

What Security didn't know is that TU is a remote partner of UC Berkeley, which was shut down in solidarity.

The FCC ruled that all the cell carriers have to help each other in an emergency. Because unfortunately, you have to legislate what neighbors would do. Meanwhile, the only communications were the radio amateurs (hams). They were also the only communications on 9-11, when all cells were overloaded or down. They're like a volunteer army of people doing this for the general good.   arrl.org

Be advised: because of the Flying AIDS, Christmas trees will be more expensive this year.

And they will have to wear masks.

No, seriously, did the virus inhibit growth in trees? Did Fauci invest in trees? 

Kanye went 'death con 3' on the Jews, but can't be antisemitic because blacks are Jews too.

He was immediately tossed off social medias (obviously because the Jews, of which he is one, own it).

I like Kanye. Not his alleged music, but his outbursts. He was really funny with Trump. He generally made sense, whether or not you agreed with him. This one seems a bit... odd, paranoid, conspiratorial, silly, and requiring more sleep or less chemical assistance. Everyone knows the Jews run the banks, not the record companies. Sheesh. Can't anyone find him a long-haired woman with an incredibly large butt for her size? She could keep him 'busy' to avoid these outbursts. But what do I know about rap?

I just proofread this blog.

Small wonder the only comments I get are from therapists.