Your love is like corned beef and peanut butter
A prototype electric plane took off for the first time yesterday.
Everyone was killed when it stopped to charge itself at 10,000 feet.
Today I identify as Elon Musk's proctologist
Dear readers, I'm very happy to be with you today. This morning, I opened the fridge and was nearly attacked by a flying container of chopped liver. With no lid. Initially I thought I'd need an ambulance, but my body proved solid enough to survive the attack. My mind, however.....
The errant liver went on to land, quite nicely, on the floor. Only a few tablespoons made it to my shoes. Putting my Inspector Cluseau hat on, I discovered it's all the dog's fault. Sorta. As best I have detected, Wife was actually eating the chopped liver, hopefully not in the fridge. Always conscious of what her mommy's eating, Penny managed to snatch the lid and 'clean' it when her mommy's attention was elsewhere. Most household problems revolve around her attention being elsewhere. The lidless container went back into the fridge, lest Penny get the rest of it. Now my Yoo Hoo smells like chopped liver. as does the milk and my sneakers. But I'm here for you, and for that, I'm thankful.
A bunch of people got really sick after visiting the Grand Canyon recently. The CDC determined it was caused by multiple people hauling in norovirus infections.I think it's safe to say that the readers and I do not work for the CDC and don't have much of an idea about disease, like the CDC. Follow me, please... The Grand Canyon is grand. Very grand. Very incredibly large and huge. It's America's biggest hole, aside from the National Debt. Being so incredibly huge and outdoors, it would seem that there's an awful lot of air around and inside it. In fact, even the CDC would say not to wear masks because it's so hideously huge and very outdoors. Yet a bunch of people brought in some virus and at least 222 got sick over a 3 month period. Does the virus spread by contact with rock? It could spread by rain, by following the rain back up to the clouds and reproducing there. If 50 people were infected with the Flying AIDS, they'd pretty much have to have an orgy with another 50 people to infect some of them.
Wow. We haven't seen anything like this since Obama!
Hurricanes: are they getting more violent?
Yes.
It's because there's no positive male role model in the home. When they go out in groups, they're completely out of control. More often than not, they wind up in the FEMA system and jail, where they only learn to become more violent. It's a vicious cycle.
The climbers had to wade through the snickers wrappers and other dead bodies to get to her. Johnny Smegma, head of rescue operations/body retrievals, lamented that everybody who's driven up a hill thinks they can climb a Himilayan mountain. Very few people recognize the incredible strain of the head of rescue operations/body retrievals job. A three-day work week with 120 days' vacation was instituted after many people in the job tried to leap off the mountain. So next time a body is found on a mountain, send a card and flowers to the head of rescue operations/body retrievals. They also mention they're hiring.
That should definitely take care of things
Girlfriend left horrified after discovering her partner's secret sex doll dungeon
She snuck into his locked room and beheld a bunch of sex dolls. Now she's confused and doesn't know what to do.
First of all, stay out of rooms that are off-limits to you. It's obvious that your boyfriend can't trust you.
Have the dolls impacted you or your relationship?
You say you're upset because the dolls don't look like you? You pick strange battles. Only then did you leave horrified? Would it be ok if the dolls looked like you? At least this is better than having pictures, candles, and an altar dedicated to you.
You'll always know where he is. He won't stray. He won't complain about your smaller boobs or insist you get a boob job because he has a dungeon full of big boobs to play with. I think you're looking at this the wrong way, lady. Considering some of the less savory hobbies some men have, this is a veritable vacation.
Spend some time with them. Maybe you'll like them. Maybe you'll want to include them in your Adult Time. Ever been in a threesome with a very expensive piece of plastic? Don't knock it til you've tried it.
BREAKING: Fauci’s Net Worth Soared To $12.6+ Million During Pandemic – Up $5 Million (2019-2021)
We're all shocked here. SHOCKED.
F.D.A. Approves A.L.S. Treatment Despite Questions About Effectiveness
We're all shocked here. Again.
As I've mentioned, Berkeley is a small moon that orbits the planet of California. Everybody else refers to it as the People's Republic of Berkeley. UCB is at the center of every Great Idea on this moon. Check out the latest:
Berkeley Develops Jewish-Free Zones
Nine different law student groups at the University of California at Berkeley’s School of Law, have begun this new academic year by amending bylaws to ensure that they will never invite any speakers that support Israel or Zionism.
Some people believe that Berkeley is just theater; saying the most outrageous shit they can, to get some kind of response. Others believe that UCB should be raided and its inhabitants given a good spanking. Genghis Kahn used to put the heads of his enemies on posts, to warn potential (living) enemies. Of course if this were adopted, UCB would have Kahn exhumed and on trial quicker than you can say "But his words offended me!"
This will only lead to bigger problems. Students will be arrested for being Jewish out of spite. A single Star of David will start a Level 6 terror alert. Fact: the UCB jail is actually three times the size of the school, because just about everyone is arrested for violating some imaginary law or offending somebody.
I think we'd be best served if the student groups voted to ban guns. Posthumously.
Hurricane Mrs. lefty
I was minding my own business, as you know I always do, in the bed. I love my bed... as does the dog. She sleeps nowhere else. She's the only dog with a sleep number bed. She keeps the number consistent unless she gets to the remote, then it all goes to hell. The light had gone out, largely because I had turned it out to aid in my process of sleep. I hoped.
Mrs. lefty was also minding her own business, which largely consisted of her business and my business. Sometimes the business includes the dog too. Business is a tough business. As I start drifting off, the huge overhead bedroom spotlight turns on, followed by a loud, minding her own business entry. I don't exactly remember why, but the bedroom light is like one of those prison spotlights, which can light up a prisoner that has gotten a mile away, after escaping in a trash bin. When caught, nobody goes near him for 3 weeks, due to the stench. At this point, I start to feel my journey to sleep will be a long one. Quiet footsteps (BANG, CRUNCH, OOPS) move toward the bed and BOOM, I'm no longer alone. This would have been cause for joy, but after 25 years, I'm just mad at the interruption. After landing in the bed, she instructs me to get up and turn the light off. Now if this isn't the most unique light remote control, I don't know what is. It's also the rudest thing I've seen in almost 25 years, a fact which I did not keep to myself. It took a while to say this, as I had to do what was necessary to prevent Verbal Violence. She had no idea why I was MAD.
When non-normal behavior occurs, something's up. I was rewarded for this observation 15 minutes later, after she had gotten out of bed, gone away, came back, turned the table lamp on (can locate an escaped prisoner for only half a mile), and started rummaging througth Stuff, making a racket. If you guessed sleep hadn't come yet, you'd be correct. In fact, I was going in the opposite direction, with agitation off the scale.
The rummaging continued, louder and more insistent, but not at the rhythmic level (yet). At this point I figure somebody is trying to get at me. Somebody really nasty. You say to yourself, "But she's your wife. Why would she be nasty, especially in bed?" You answered your own question. Just in case you don't believe me, she left the bedroom and left the light on. I contemplated vaporizing the lamp, but realized I lack the ability. They're putting backpacks on cockroaches and making remote lasers to destroy them, so why can't I have lasers to do lamp destruction? I could try flinging something at the lamp, but there's an approximate 99% chance I'd miss. The 1% is just a lucky throw. I also realize that knocking over a lamp is not a terribly good idea, electrically speaking, as the firemen told me last time. I uttered some choice not-in-the-dictionary words and got up to shut the lamp off.
I don't know how it happened, but I eventually fell asleep. When I came downstairs, Hurricane Mrs. lefty had been there, with complete areas unpassable. There was a FEMA truck outsode, and several pieces of heavy machinery attempting to clear the debris. 25 years of marriage prepared me for sights like this, so I just started my coffee, after clearing a path.
It all became clear 5 minutes later. "Have you seen my glasses?"
Uh-oh.
This is not what you want to hear coming from a grown woman at 7 in the morning. The hurricane and bedroom light show were all part of searching for the glasses. Searching is a misnomer, as when there are no glasses, there is no vision. So I got dragged into this, in spite of mentioning the fact that my boss likes to see me at least once every day. We took apart areas that have never been taken apart. We found things we never knew were missing. Bodies of guests who helped us move in, 25 years ago. Pizza they were eating after they helped us. Errant cases of Yoo Hoo and a cat we didn't know we had.
But no glasses.
How does a blind person lose glasses? They're only off her face when she's sleeping, and not always then. Sometimes she wears them to see her dreams better. The problem here, aside from taking a day off to search, then go buy new ones, is that her prescription is.... odd. A triple stigma, deviated septum, glaucoma-like fuzz (without the glaucoma), and seven other things I can't spell. The glasses wind up costing more than the car. And it's not like one just walks in and walks out with them. I will have to do everything but brush her teeth for the next few weeks. Small wonder the dog was acting so weirdly yesterday. She plays dumb, so when we tell her to locate the glasses, she just stares at us and wags her tail. Plus, Wife has to find the right ugly frames. I love her, but never her glasses. People compliment them and I somehow manage to shut up, although it hurts. Keeping sarcasm in will soon be discovered to cause cancer, along with everything else. Since I don't do most of the other things, this will be my way to cancer. It's not like I'll die from a drug overdose or watching too much football.
I need glasses too. My problem is not the prescription, it's the frames. All I want is stupid huge aviator frames, like all the sunglasses on every rack in every store. Women have no trouble getting them, but men are screwed. Just like with birth control pills.
In spite of 2 hours' sleep, I logged into email. There are certain ways to announce certain things, but email is not the way for your doctor to announce that the entire practice is shutting down. There is a small chance that patients might need things, like medicine and that form to get them out of jury duty, because they have the IQ of a paper clip. So I have a nagging feeling I have to shop for a new doctor.
This has put a small dent in my day.
Meanwhile, Wife has grown tired of The 2022 Great Search for the Glasses and has taken the rest of the morning off to sleep. To balance out the universe, I should turn on the spotlight in the bedroom.
- Please do yourself a favor: when you rent a car, stay out of the 'infotainment system's' ability to sync anything. You will forget to wipe your data and the next person who rents the car will have access to it all.
- Thank you
Journalist Gayle King applauded Elon Musk's bid to buy Twitter ('a gangsta move'), and then Musk said Oprah should be on the board. This has been identified as the moment Musk pulled his bid.
My feet are full of holes, like some advanced form of Swiss cheese.
Why?
Because I keep shooting myself in them. I absolutely insist upon it.
It's kinda sad, because I don't always realize it - I just do it naturally.
If somebody's around to tell me I'm doing it, I just shoot faster.
Nowhere is this more apparent than my secure browsing setup. I have Firefox so tightened down that it won't even display some websites. Firefox tells me the page is all loaded, but it's blank. I miss a lot of pages like this, because of a short attention span combined with a small capacity to tolerate crap. I have to keep a bunch of browsers around, set to less locked down and almost NOT locked down, so I can get where I want to (if I haven't given up yet). One shouldn't surf with a not-locked-down browser. You'll pick up bugs that even Lord Fauci can't identify. Oddly enough, I only use it for important financial transactions, hoping the mortgage site is safely set up (it's not). If I used Firefox, the site wouldn't come up at all.
And it's all my fault. If I didn't lock Firefox down, I could see any site I wanted. It's so locked down, I can't even tell you which control to change to unlock it (bloody javascript).
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