The 2022 Nose Hair Games

 

Your love is like   vegetarian meat loaf

Officials, experts call for masking as illnesses slam US ahead of holidays

With Lord Fauci gone, who do we turn to for random guesses?  

Today I identify as  a left wing extremist, trying to ban reality shows

WordPress debated taking down the New York Post Hunter Biden story

WP is a purveyor of software full of holes and a blog host. They wanted to pull the story from the NY Post. Faceyspaces and Twitter came right out and censored it (at the behest of the government). This is what I mean by Big Tech controlling the narrative. This is why it's important to seek out different (truthful) viewpoints. All you'll get from Mainstream Media is Official Talking Points, which have a strange relationship to the truth.

I've had my.... slippers..... for a few weeks now. Much as I feared, I'd rather just wear my sneakers. Plus I keep getting flashbacks to my grandfather. Or some other old dude who wore slippers. I'm just not advanced in age enough for this. Plus if the neighbors see me, they'll have flashbacks of me wearing slippers, and they're damaged enough. It's just not working. Wife, who suggested them years ago, seems to think everything's fine, but we're married; how would she know? I don't want to say they're unpopular, but even the dog won't chew them.

You see, the slippers are where it starts. It then rolls downhill, at great speed:

• You begin waking up early, even though you have no reason to
• You hit the diner at 4:00. Maybe they have specials. Maybe you're just hungry because you woke up early
• You spend an inordinate amount of time gardening. Considering it took an act of God to get me to mow, I don't see this happening.
• AARP card, Medicare
• Don't drive at night
• a walker
• death

No thank you. I'm stayin' off this rollercoaster.

The president has vented to allies about how often his age is mentioned in the press "You think I don't know how fucking old I am?" he said to one earlier this year.    -Politico

Uh, no, Joe. By all means, run again. As you know, the democrats have a very low bar.

In 2024, the democrats will stay with their current slogan: "This is the best we've got."

The republicans have a new slogan: "Trump has done wonders for the economy - democrats are buying guns!"

Pope warns he has seen 'omens of even greater destruction and desolation' for mankind

But he's not going to tell you what they are. Just keep sending him money and he'll keep saying stuff about God giving us his firstborn (and ignore the priests with the little boys).

Government Remains Americans' Top Problem in 2022

according to a poll by our friends at Gallup.  [sniff.... sniff...] Maybe there's hope for us after all!

Nah, just kidding: we're going down.

I have this great legal concept that has been applauded on social media (who TF cares?) and needs to go to all legislators: each and every piece of legislation must be tested for Constitutionality before it's sent for a vote. And while I'm at it, each piece of legislation can only be on ONE topic. No added pork. This could save us billions.

The next time you hear a Congresscritter speaking about legislation, ask yourself (and them) "What abut the deficit?" This should give both of you an indication of how idiotic the legislation is.

"Officer - they're beating an old lady!"

I don't have time: people are going 2mph over the speed limit and someone has to punish ticket protect and serve them.

• I really think this blog needs some sponsors. Unfortunately I don't think Rolo, Yoo Hoo, and Fender guitars are brave enough. Perhaps an explosives manufacturer. Or one of those companies that cleans up blood after a murder.

Tom's Hardware did a comparison called Best PC Cases 2022. How in the universe do you test cases? Most at home next to plants? Least likely to get knocked over by pets? Coolest LEDs? Most floppy drives? Most likely to knock over people when thrown at them? So noisy it will keep you up at night? 

Wieambilla: Grief and questions after deadly shoot-out shocks Australia

But you're not allowed to own guns in Australia. This couldn't have happened. I call fake news.

 It's surprisingly quiet in the neighborhood. Neither of the neighbors is making a sound, which, quite frankly, makes me nervous. It's like they're getting ready to unleash something big. The patio is done, but I think he's tuning up his trash lids for a little concert tonight. The other side received their 12hp Noise-O-Matic yesterday, and is probably trying to figure out how it works. They're in a contest with the manufacturer to see who can make the most noise. Their secret weapon is the dog. As soon as the Noise-O-Matic starts up, 150lbs of Lab will go off with it. He has a bark that demands attention, like a religious figure speaking from a mountain or something. Back in those days, religious figures had to develop massive voices, because they were always speaking from mountains and elevated locations to a crowd that was very far away. If their voices weren't sufficiently loud and deep, the entire announcement would devolve into an audience saying "Huh? What did he say?" The message tended to get lost that way. So make sure your dog has a loud, deep voice when barking.

It's almost frightening but I have some good news to report: after the Great Phone Debacle of 2022, I switched to a prepaid plan with my provider. I started out paying less than half of what I paid normally. Due to incentives, the time of year, and the fact we had an actual sunny day this week, they keep lowering the charge. I think it's around $30/m now and will go down further when the Cloudy Day Loyalty discount kicks in. You might want to check with your provider to see if they have a prepaid plan. Or other carriers. Or TracPhone. Disclaimer: I have the cheapest plan, with 5M data, because I don't get out much.  You will still get a much better deal with better plans. The only difference is that you cannot 'finance' a new phone. Ask first.

I've about had it with pr0n. Well, not with pr0n (phew), but with the right wing evangelicals who believe they can legislate it out of existence. Historically these people complaineth too mucheth, and are usually discovered knee-deep in it. Religion tends to do bad things to the minds of certain people, with power making it worse. Legally speaking, pr0n is here to stay. Any attempt to ban it would be a violation of the First Amendment. And you can take my word for its legality because I have a blog (you can also check the Supreme Court's ruling on it). Second, these misguided hypocrites need to stop trying to legislate their beliefs. Ohio senator Jim Vance said he wants to ban pr0n nationwide. Pr0n has been blamed for everything from masturbation to antisemitism. Apparently Kanye west is also pushing for an end to pr0n. That should pretty much end his 'musical' career. Another similarly-addled congresscritter blames feminism for driving men to pr0n. This is categorically false: they don't have the buses, plus men are fully capable of driving themselves. Won't he be surprised when he finds out women like pr0n too. Like when he checks his wife's browser history.

These lunatic legislators and their buddies are causing trouble elsewhere too. Religious groups are pressuring financial concerns, resulting in banks and online payment processors refusing to do business with adult performers. The groups have all sorts of concerned-sounding names and don't mention religion at all. Remember the First Amendment Cry: I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight for your right to say it. Censorship of one of us is censorship of all of us (eventually). 

So I ordered additional RAM for the only laptop working at the moment. On Ebay, I was happy when I discovered the shop was 30 minutes from the house. I figured it won't take as long as across the country (or across the water) to arrive. Sometimes I'm naive, sometimes downright stupid. I'm generally realistic - I know a 30 minute drive does not equal a 30 minute ship. The first thing I got was a thank you email from Hong Kong. My fight or flight reflex went directly to BALLISTIC. I was going to call Mr. Ebay and tell him about this. I was also going to have SWAT raid the alleged store near me. The tracking information said it left from the store near me, so it was only an hour or so before the adrenaline wore off and I could think straight and hold things without smashing them. The following day I checked the tracking and the package was expected to arrive 4 days after I ordered it. 4 days for a 30 minute drive. It had to go to the local hub, then on a truck to my house. Simple enough for city council to grasp. But no, this is me and this is the USPS. MOTTO: We may get it there. Eventually. 

Here is the tracking information:

Day 1: printed out label

Day 2: picked it up

Day 3: package felt kinda meh, so we left it alone for 24 hours

Day 4: put it on truck for delivery

Day 5: customer wants to know where it is

Day 6: lie and say it was delivered

Day 7: customer wants to see where he signed for it

Day 8: Atlantis just returned from space.... maybe it was aliens.

Day 9: customer has a mailman in his basement

Day 10: open an extensive investigation into this matter. Call us back in 60 days. 

Day 11: customer says fine, you'll get your mailman back in 60 days.

Day 12: investigation concludes early - it was found up some warehouse guy's nose. please give mailman back.

Day 13: customer still wants to know where the package is

Day 14: it could take up to 4 days, like we said when you bought it.

Day 15: customer opens up his own memory manufacturing plant so he can get some 12 year old memory chips. Because he's a one-man manufacturer, Biden refuses to give him a few billion to do it, saying the government only bolsters large, established businesses.

Day 16: customer changes business plan to arms, easily convincing Congress to give him 25 billion.

Day 17: customer nukes USPS

Day 18: customer drives 30 minutes to pick up his RAM chips, like he should have in the first place

EPILOGUE:

Found out that the memory really shipped from Hong Kong.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?

China can get a package to me one day faster than the local postal system.

Privatize mail delivery.

Missing a Mercedes in May, Maybe March

 Your love is like  a Brazilian wax

You will be thrilled to know we're out of Rental Car Limbo.

Ok, maybe not you, but we are.

When I say we're out of Rental Car Limbo, I mean we returned the car and bent over for the fees. Not only did somebody hit the car, the rental person managed to find 3 more things for our insurance to cover.

While speaking to our insurer, I discovered Renterprise charging us a $500 deductible was incorrect, and they should have known better. So in however many months it takes for the insurer to extend our rental days, that will be refunded too.

As for the Mercedes, Mrs. lefty's comment was that she'd take a different car.

As for Collision Limbo, the collision place called to let us know where they were in the process and confirm it would be ready when they said it would. I forgot to ask him if they could paint it metalflake blue. Dammit. Nice guy, great service.

There has been some motion in Badge Limbo. Notice that I didn't say I was one step closer to getting my badge - just that there has been motion. I have been hurt before, and I'm very cautious. I have hired a priest from the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to help move me from Limbo.

Today I identify as  a hammer. I'll probably hammer in the morning.

• if I'm reading and listening to something, I can hear better if I look at the speaker

Because of voter-approved regulations in California, bacon may disappear.

Ya know, California is its own planet, provided for our amusement, but THIS could spell the end of it. Protesting, nuclear bombs, armed insurrection at the grocery store....

• Fauci says more 'pain and suffering' still ahead
• meaning he's still in office..

The legal limit on how much debt the U.S. government can owe was reimposed Sunday, kicking off a high-stakes battle over federal spending with dire implications for global financial markets.

A two-year deal to suspend the debt ceiling lapsed at midnight following inaction from Congress and President Biden to give the U.S. more borrowing authority. The Treasury Department will now begin taking what it refers to as “extraordinary measures” to prevent the U.S. from defaulting on its debt.

I didn't spend this money. You didn't spend this money. The people you voted for have, and haven't done a thing to fix it. Your president just put through a historic tax raise. Is this what you want?

People experiencing hair loss months after Covid infection...

Study: Vaccinated people can carry as much virus as others...

Follow the science  

• So the International Space Station was minding its own business, when a Russian module decided to FIRE RETRO ROCKETS, causing a bit of a problem with the shuttle's attitude control. NASA is sending some BLM protesters to the shuttle, for attitude control.

Got a Kindle that uses 3G to connect?

Not much longer.

2G and 3G are being repurposed for 4G and 5G, so phones and anything else that uses them won't work, unless they also can use 4G.

Or wifi.

HE ESCAPED....

Well, not so much escaped, as had to drive his wife. To CostCo.

I used to say "All good things come from CostCo,: but I don't say that anymore. Perhaps good things come from CostCo when I'm not doing the shopping there. 

It was a multi-purpose visit: to pick something up from the pharmacy, to 'get a few things,' and to replace a phone. We all know you don't 'get a few things' at CostCo. Yes, you need milk, but that $3,000 sofa is really comfortable. Yes, you need frozen shrimp, but that dining room table set would go nice in the.... dining room. [remember these...both will become more significant. This is a literary technique called I Dunno, because I'm not a literary person].

While at the pharmacy, I observed the process for Flying AIDS shots. It involved going to 4 windows and asking where do you get the shots. You also get a free eye test, looking around for the place to get shots before you ask. Then, just like the doctor's office, you sit there for 60 minutes and wait. I'm sure there was even more hilarity, but I just couldn't bear watching it.  [hint: they're not really free... your insurance covers it]

I noticed there were a ton of Russian people. It's not like there were a lot of them, but all the overhead announcements were in Russian.

I just have to break in here and say "Morena Beccarin.... whoooooo"

Back to CostCo, they have a kiosk with phones for the 4 carriers. We found out by accident this kiosk closes at 5:30, because she was there and they couldn't get her a new phone because they were closing. These fine folk are not CostCo employees, because for some reason, CostCo couldn't find anyone who took an IQ test and failed among their ranks. So they brought in the guys from BobCo Fly By Night Keystone Kops Phone Sellers, Inc. I mean, it started ok... she said she wanted a new phone. They tried to upsell and failed. The specs and demo phones were located around the corner from the phones with the prices. Gee, I can't Imagine why. Know this: if you want an android phone, you can have anything you want, as long as it's Samsung. Literally. No other phones. The guy said iPhone and we both laughed. And of the Samsung phones, you could have any of about 6, with not a ton of difference between them, except price. It's getting bad when even android phones are over a grand.... that used to be iPhone territory exclusively.

Having selected her phone (I like that one... my friend has it), we began the process. And when I say began the process, I mean Boris the Idiot stared at his screen and looked pathetic. You see, Boris the Idiot was a trainee, so he legitimately didn't know what to do (unless he's been in training for 4 weeks and is simply an idiot). Unfortunately, his mentor, Gandolf the Fat, was taking care of other customers, leaving Boris the Idiot to stab at numbers randomly, occasionally asking Gandalf the Fat some questions. Apparently BobCo didn't think it was important to staff the kiosk with anything more than (semi) warm bodies (with incredibly silly clothes - I mean when they stand next to a customer, you can't tell which one works there).

So this continued. I sat at the dining room table display (see, I told you) and checked my email and surfed a bit of pr0n. People are flipping obnoxious in public. The screaming children are bad enough, but the winner was the people talking on their phones, in speakerphone mode. If they're near and particularly loud, I join in on the conversation. It's usually pretty effective... they either turn it down or run to the other side of the store, This is why I surf pr0n at CostCo - apparently there's a mandate to be obnoxious.

Thirty minutes of Boris calling Gandolf over takes us to paying for the phone. I continue with email while Wife goes to pay. Fifteen minutes later, Wife re-arrives and politely fills me in on The Deal: she has to pay, then look for a manager to take her and the phone back to the kiosk, probably because people are stealing their own phones after they pay for them. Managers are very busy doing Manager Things, thus they are hard to find. This is where I helped: I shoplifted a refrigerator and POOF - instant manager. 

At this point, the frozen shrimp in the cart defrosted and I had a cart full of little shrimp running all over the place, scaring the children.  While I'm sitting, some bald dude with a lot of earrings is in my personal space, looking at the box for the dining room table. He must be gay - gays like me.  But I don't care if he's Mila Kunis - GET OUT OF MY SPACE. Ok, maybe Mila Kunis, but you get the idea. I know what's for dinner because the frozen lasagna has not only defrosted, my temper is cooking it. My back hurts, my mouth is dry, and my neurons are not happy. 

Once the manager accompanies Mrs. lefty back to the kiosk, the fun continues. First Boris, then Gandalf exclusively spent another 27 minutes doing something, We don't know what, because they don't know either. I'm getting near the end and my nostrils are telling me to GET... OUT...in Morse code so I ask what's causing the current Major Backup. They say something in kiosk that I don't understand (because I don't speak kiosk). I suggest we go to the carrier store because this ain't workin. She tells me she already paid. I introduce her to the refund.

Finally, 2 hours later, she has a phone.

And they could NOT transfer her contacts or calendar.

And they double charged us.

And Gandalf the Fat threw in a shirt. Unfortunately it was the one he was wearing.

This is why I don't go out much.

Joe Biden’s Secretary of State Tony Blinken recently announced that he is inviting United Nations racism inspectors to the United States to conduct a report on American society.

HUH?

• Pentagon believes its precognitive AI can predict events 'days in advance'
• "We can catch incidents of bad thought and racial slurs..."  

BOMBSHELL: House Committee finds COVID-19 leaked from Wuhan lab

• Don't you hate it when you're a medical student and the body you're about to work on is your friend?

Anal Recognition in Stores

 Your love is like  warts

Facial recognition is bad, wrong, racist, privacy-invasive, and makes your nose itch. Stores like Walmart, Target, Lowes, Albertsons, Macys, and others are currently using it. Sign the petition to ban facial recognition.

Another intrusive technology involves your phone. Turn off BlueTooth and wifi at very least. Turning off the phone is better.

• crab ice cream?

Demolishing another world problem, Biden talked to Putin, who agreed to do something about Russian ransomware. Putin kept a straight face, as did I, while typing this. Even the interpreter snorted into his borscht.

In case anybody's keeping score, SolarWinds, who got hit in a major storm this year, just got hit in another. I'm not sure why companies choose to continuing to use this disaster, but then I think of Windows...

Salmon Going Nuts at a Fish Farm Possibly High on Cocaine, Officials Say
last issue was worms on meth.... 

“The salmon panicked and attempted to jump out of the water,” Daniel Fey, head of the Ecology and Aquaculture department

The drug was not found in samples taken of the tank itself, but the researchers think this was likely because the tank is highly diluted. 

So the salmon have been snorting coke, but there's none in the water. That's what they told the cops anyway....

So what's up with the car?

Funny you should ask. Got a call from the collision center; they just got the car.

Just got the car.

The car that was being taken there last week.

For their part, they called within a few hours. That's a hell of an estimate. Damn. Should be done early next month. Need to get rental days extended again. I don't get a lot of headaches, but I think one is brewing.

 To keep you entertained, How's Mrs. lefty's phone?

Funny you should ask. For those of you playing along at home, it developed a crack, two days after the warranty ran out. Like most things that sit on the couch, the crack got bigger and the phone refused to work, like a city worker. Two days after the warranty expired....

After much research, she went to CostCo. My nephew says you go for a box of cereal and come out with $350 car tires. If it were that simple... as she got to the phone counter, they were closing (at 5:30). Their hours were cut back due to the Flying AIDS.

We have a lot of trouble, but it's all in the service of this blog and my readers. Our misery is your entertainment.

We'll just hold our collective breath to see what today brings at CostCo. I'm not discounting "spontaneous combustion at phone kiosk at local CostCo."

The other gross inconvenience is that I give her my phone when she's out, for safety reasons. I had to do some quick thinking.... what if one of my many girlfriends call? [cough]. Or my alternate sources of income? [cough cough] She said not to get anything for her birthday, but she got cards from three shoe stores. Meanwhile I had to find some locking programs to lock up certain.... sensitive.. files on my android. I think of it this way: she already has a set of boobies - why would she need to look at more?

I still can't remove my user picture in Windows. There are 237 answers to this question at Duckduckgo.com, and none of them work. This is, I would think, a relatively simple operation. What have we learned? As of last week, you could hack Windows via an insecure print service, but you cannot delete your picture. One of the answers said deleting and changing are two different operations, requiring two different solutions.

People pay for this crap?

 

  

I tried telling Wife that it's 92 degrees celsokevin outside, so I can't bring in the trash cans. She was not amused.

Mind you, the Crazy Lady next door, who just turned 489, has neighbors all over the place taking her trash out and mowing her lawn. 

I want in on this. The problem, as I see it, is that I'm not in the 450+ age range, and I don't present as particularly old. So when I don't want to mow, it's just because I'm lazy. Nobody knows the trauma I suffer... I get the bends thinking of mowing... I begged the doctors to help me with the repressed memories of getting attacked by a mower when I was little or something, but they can't hypnotize me. To make matters worse, one of the docs is really attractive, so I can't concentrate on the birdie. I asked her to concentrate on the birdie and she slapped me. This is going to nuke the doctor-patient therapeutic relationship. And shit.

Pronouns? 

How's work? Lemme tell you... there's talk of pronouns.

You know, the current pc he/him/his  she/her/hers

I guess after Pride Month and all the other months, we shoulda known this was coming.

I think I just discovered we have a Chief Silly Officer (CSO) he/her/yous.

Flummoxing aside, I can't leave this unparodied. Aside from male, female, and neutral, there are other groups...

• they/them/theirs  multiple personalities
• he/she/it  fluid
• yo antny/antny/antny's  South Philly Anthonys
• it/it/its  Cousin Itt or any Addams Family character
• no/thank/you   me
• no/fscking/way  most of the company 

Tokyo Olympics: 'Plague of oysters' threatens key venue

Massive numbers of them had attached themselves to floats intended to stop waves bouncing back across the water and on to the athletes. 

The history of the Olympics is a long and storied one

• in 1954, massive goldfish attacked swimmers
• in 1978, crabs infested the playing field (and the athletes)
• in 2003, China hacked the games, only to realize there were no games in 2003
• The Flying AIDS was expected to ruin this year, but there's only been one case

Hubble space telescope's function is restored

They had to remotely clean out the cat hair 

Prospective emojis include a pregnant man

ThermionicEmissions remains 100% emoji-free, largely because it can't stand the stupid 

Lots of apps use your personal contacts. Few will tell you what they do with them

enlightening 

• Huge data leak shatters the lie that the innocent need not fear surveillance
• It's for the children. It will only be used to spy on foreigners. We'd never spy on Americans...