Feel the Johnson

About 200 million Yahoo account credentials were just dumped online. While there is no indication if the theft is fresh, it won't hurt you to change your password. One of my friends got hacked last week.

In fact, it wouldn't hurt you to change any or all of your passwords. Make them secure. If you're not sure what secure is, do a little searching online with your favorite search engine. I use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you.

• I don't wanna say I work with some interesting old folks, but the guys in the next cubicle are discussing the need for sheetrock and the fact that one of them had a half sheet that he just threw out. No, wait, he gave it to his son. Then he proceeded to describe it. It's been a year and a half and I still don't understand this place.

More earth-shattering (stupid) news: our friends over at Apple have changed their handgun emoji to a green water-pistol. Hopefully they will not reproduce. Next up: Apple changes phone shape to round, so you can't 'point' it at anyone.

• I think I'm experiencing Political Burnout. Or General Burnout - I can never tell.

ISIS has threatened the Olympics. In Portuguese. Unfortunately the Google Translate results came out like this: "Your mother is a dumptruck. We fuck goats. We will masturbate in stadiums, to images of pork and pork products."

Just in case they're serious, some of the Olympic sports have been 'adjusted':

* The 100 yard run from explosions

* Throw the javelin at the terrorist

* The itsy bitsy, teenie weenie, yellow polka dot pork bikini pageant for women and men

* The 50 foot dive while keeping your AK47 dry

• The World Health Organization has endorsed a 42 second hand-washing method. Compulsive hand-washers all over the planet rejoice.

Non-political message: Trump called Hillary the devil.

Please put your own punchline in a comment. The winning entry will be included in the next post. There will be no monetary compensation but maybe I can manage a candy bar. Probably not.

• A Dutch man waiting for an online girlfriend to show up, spent 10 days in a Chinese airport. Between the 2 of us, I don't think she's coming, Dude.

I know it's early, but can we have a remake of "Suicide Squad" starring Congress?

• This is Bachelor Week at ThermionicEmissions, as Mrs leftystrat is off tending to two sick parents. Rest easy - Marshall and I are ok, except for figuring out how to hide the hookers and blow Marshall ordered while I was at work. The wife is likely to notice the charge on the credit card.
• The Good Neighbor is concerned, as Marshall has spent less time outside, commanding her to bring him food. Speaking of which, he was so hungry the other day, he ate his own food.
• Marshall also turns up his snout at tap water. We have to put it in a spring water bottle and refrigerate it until cold. My relatives went to Disney and brought him back a water bowl that is very difficult to tip over, as he does when it's empty. At least he has something to occupy his creative side. Meanwhile, I take the water bottle out of the fridge and announce "Special Spaniel Water." He runs to his bowl and drinks the water as I pour it from 3 feet up. After he's done drinking, he paws the water out onto the floor. Nobody knows why.
• Are you getting the picture of life in my house yet?

Donald Trump made few friends the other day, when he kicked a baby out of a Virginia rally. I don't know why people are upset: when I go to a restaurant or on a plane, I always ask for the No Screaming Baby section.

• An Australian woman just became a mother at age 63. Has this possibly gone too far? Who does she think she is - Mick Jagger?

A lawsuit has been filed against the makers of Pokemon Go over players trespassing on private property. Unfortunately, you still can't sue for stupidity.

• A leading Irish Archbishop has said he will stop sending his trainee priests to study in the country’s main Catholic college due to allegations of a “gay culture.”  Still no word on the "pedophile culture".

It has already been established that California is the Land of Fruits and Nuts but the Hollywood Set is particularly affected. The following was heard at the DNC:

"Our president is brilliant" - John Legend
"I Love You, Barack Obama" - Alyssa Milano
"I don't expect to feel as proud of a president in my lifetime as I feel about Obama" - Michael Ian Black

They appear to be living in a different universe.

Get the hell out of here before you get me SHOT

Let's Convention This Bitch Up

I feel sorry for Philthydelphia. It's not bad enough they're in a public transportation crisis because they bought poorly-made cars (that they knew about a year in advance); now there's the Democratic National Convention. It's so huge they're holding parts of it at a giant sports stadium. Wait til they find out parking is fifty dollars.  Traffic is murder at any time of the day or night, so imagine how bad it will be when portions of the city's two main arteries are to be closed. The worst will be borne by the poor commuters and people forced to live and work downtown. Good luck there, folks.

Now imagine the arriving politicans. First they land at an airport with striking workers, incompetent TSA empolyees (be fair, this could be any airport in the nation), then they see the parking three-deep at the curb, right next to the No Parking signs. Driving on the always gridlocked I-95 North, they immediately pass the waste recycling plant.. Philly smells like shit for many reasons. Heaven forbid they try to get around via public transportation or worse, by car. It's like New York but without the accent.

As if this fun couldn't be superceded, the security will be insane, especially when Hillary the Prevaricator arrives. I'm all for having it moved at the last minute. To any old state (or country) at all.  I'm not partisan - I feel sorry for Clevelanders too. Just to make things more interesting, you can open-carry guns there. Thus far it has been peaceful, or at least the gun-carriers have.

• A year and a half after I became gainfully employed, I'm still receiving job notices, some for jobs I applied for a year and a half ago. As per warning, the worst are the Indian recruiters, for some unknown reason. Today I received one from some Indian guy, saying he thinks I'd be interested in a one year contract in Toronto, Canada. Well, there's nothing like an eight hour commute to a different country to get the old metabolism going. WTF is wrong with these people?

A young immigrant has attacked people on a German train. With an axe, while shouting "Allahu Ackbar," which means "Oops, I did it again" in Swahili. Germany and President Obama say the motive isn't clear, even after ISIS claimed responsibility.

Meanwhile the Social Justice Warriors have exclaimed that no normal citizen should have an axe and sensible axe control must be enacted. Star Trek's Wil Wheaton, now famous for his "Fuck the NRA" outbursts, when reached for comment, said, "Fuck the National Axe Association!"

• I think we need a party that guarantees inclusion of another minority group: The Attractive Wingnut Party. Members will include Sarah Palin, Michele Bachman, Michelle Malkin and others to be named later.

The Pokemon Go craze is perfect for us... people have been stopping traffic and walking/driving off cliffs. That sound you hear is Charles Darwin laughing.

• I heard some of Chris Christie's RNC speech on the radio this morning. Regardless of how you vote, the guy was entertaining and nailed it.

BREAKING: sources deep within the RNC have discovered that Bill Clinton plans to vote for Trump. Because he wants a chance at Malenia.

• Baltimore police have footage of a driver playing Pokemon Go plowing into a police car. No word on whether the driver was taking a selfie at the same time.

There is now a Krispy Kreme donut-flavored soda. Is this a good thing? Is it the sign of some sort of Kardashian apocalypse?

• A study, using Real Science, shows that Harry Potter fans are more likely to dislike Donald Trump. This is a shame, as Donald was really counting on the Hogwarts Vote.