Jeff Beck

 This is so sad....

Jeff Beck (78) died of bacterial meningitis.

Don McLean sings "The day the guitar died"

Jeff is simply one of the best guitarists ever. He constantly kept things interesting by going in unexpected directions, like classical, Johnny Depp, the 2 ladies he found in a local pub..  He always had a variety of players onstage, including a lot of women, who got the gig with their talent. A few albums included Jan Hammer, formerly of the Mahavishnu Orchestra. Jan went on to do music for Don Johnson's show, set in Florida.

Early Jeff Beck came via the Yardbirds, which also gave us Jimmy Page and Eric Clapton.

Next was the Jeff Beck Group, with a little known, spiky-haired singer who was so nervous, he hid backstage. You know him as Rod Stewart.

The next Jeff Beck Group was a 5 man talented bunch, with Cozy Powell on drums. They ran 2 albums, 

Then BBA - Beck Bogert Appice, a power trio that also didn't last long.

then Jeff was largely solo. Only he preferred tinkering with his hot rods, like Billy Gibbons, to touring, I believe they were good friends, playing together a lot live and Jeff appeared on an album. He and Rod got together every now and then. I think they were planning something soon.

He had a rockabilly phase and tour.

The solo albums were incredible, with different ideas, and just got better as Jeff got older.

Listen to my favorite album, Blow by Blow   - Stevie Wonder appears, uncredited, produced by George Martin (the Beatles)

My favorite song, also from Blow by Blow - Cause We Ended as Lovers (by Stevie Wonder)

Look on YouTube for Live at Ronnie Scott's. An incredible appearance in a small club. Jimmy Page does a walk-on. At one point you can see Robert Plant in the audience.

When Jimi Hendrix first came to England, he started playing at clubs, generating a reputation for being a wild man on the guitar. The Beatles, The Stones, Eric Clapton, and Jeff all went to see him, scared from what they heard about him. They were the Big Guns. They left wide-eyed.

Nothing to worry about, Jeff.

GODDAMMIT  they were my heroes. I learned most of their songs. I performed Hendrix songs in my first high school bands. I spent a lot of time trying to get Jeff's lyricism and bent note phrasing. It was never going to happen, but I had fun. He inspired so many musicians, starting in the early 60s. I tried to get him to sign my #1 guitar, but he's pretty reclusive after concerts. I even called the concert's sponsor.

At least we still have his music. Eight Grammys, from when a Grammy wasn't decided by deaf people. Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with the Yardbirds and solo, back before Donna Summer, Eminem, and Tupac were inducted.

RIP, Lord of the Strings

Imaginary Interview: Jimmy Page

So far in our Imaginary Interview series, we've brought you... ummm... several imaginary interviews with high profile musicians. Today we're over the top, with legendary guitarist, studio man, rock star, and lover of underage groupies, Mr. Jimmy Page - James Patrick Page.

How are you, Sir?

Nah, don't call me that.

Aren't you a Sir?

Oh, yeah, call me that.

How are you, Sir?

Good.  You know, doing this, doing that, doing my wife.  Ave you seen er?

Well yes, I have.

Isn't she something?

Yes, I have.
She does art, doesn't she?

Yeah, somin like that. I have to go to galleries and stuff. I tell you - it's worse than touring with Plant, it is.

What's she - thirty-something?

Yeah, a bit long in the tooth. Might have to trade her in for a new model.

Yeah, she's like two of your old ones, isn't she?

Yeah, my solicitors have asked me not to comment on that.

Jimmy, Sir, what's it like to be a Rock God, in addition to a Guitar God? 

Well, we had no idea, did we? We were just doing it. Playin the music. Working in the studio and making it up as we went along.

Somebody said, in reference to your busy days as a studio guitarist, that at one point, you were on most of the top 30 hits in England.

That's funny - I was too busy to pay attention. It was the top 50, by the way.

At what point did you realize you provided the soundtrack for millions of lives?

What time is it? [snickers]

Was there pressure?

If you ask the press, yes. We were one of the most hated acts in the known universe, according to them. We were horrible. Fortunately the fans proved otherwise.

Everything went platinum, didn't it?

Well, not immediately. Sometimes it took as long as a month.

As Tom Petty said, the waiting is the hardest part.

I hate him. That voice. Wrote some good songs, but....

Even more important, you influenced generations of guitar players, from beginners on up. Your legacy will continue to influence players.

Ave you heard the radio lately? Any guitar would have to be an influence.

Ok, but you came from the Holy Yardbirds Triumverate: Page, Eric Clapton, and Jeff Beck. Could you be in any better company?

Have you ever seen my groupies?  Nah, just kidding. Eric..Eric can really put it forward. He's the authentic blues purist. I took it way out there and distorted it. Eric is the truest. Except for the Heroin Years. Cocaine was shit.

And Jeff Beck?

Jeff is a purist too. We just haven't found at what yet. Maybe he's a purist of the kind of stuff they play on Mars. Where he comes up with that stuff, I have no idea. He's always moving, inventing, and all without a pick.

Do you enjoy being an influence?

It's kind of hard to grasp. It's pretty nice, though.
We were touring nonstop for the first few albums. We were very insulated, so we had no idea what was going on outside our little touring group. It's probably better that way. It's good to look back on it, but I never set out to do it.

From what I understand, your insular little touring group was more like a four ring circus.

Well, we were on the road, burning up all that energy onstage. Unfortunately we had way too much energy in general. It got boring, so we had to create our own fun.  Idle hands are the devil's work.

Speaking of which, you lived in Alestair Crowley's house, didn't you?

Bloody cold, drab place that was. I didn't hear about Crowley until a year after I bought it. I didn't enter it until a year after I bought it. As for the black magic - it was so much nonsense. I didn't find out that I was into it for years after I moved out of the place.

But the whips and chains suitcase...

Oh that. Well. yeah. Sure. the suitcase. Nothing black about the suitcase at all. A rock star has to have his toys, doesn't he?

So this fun you had to create.. I hear they renamed LA's Hyatt House the Riot House.

Yeah, we did that one, yeah.

Is it true about Bonzo and the pool table?

Pool table?

Yes, that he destroyed it and threw it out the window?

Really?

That's the popular story.

Nah, nobody told me that. It was probably our manager, Peter Grant. He was a bloody fat man who took great care of his charges. You didn't cross Peter Grant. Even the band were afraid of Fat Pete, as we called him.  He was a wise businessman too. If we weren't having a good enough time, he would invent stuff. He used to tell the press, who slagged us constantly but stood in line to cover us, that we were getting up to all sorts of things in hotels. The truth is that Bonzo was really into classical literature.

Really.

Oh yeah, he was writing a novel in the style of Shakespeare.

How was it?

Well, he had to decipher Shakespeare first. I mean... haven't you ever read Shakespeare? Bloody same words in a different language, innit? You think he drank himself to death. That was Grant. In truth, while working on the novel, he popped an aneurysm trying to understand it and Bob was his uncle. I miss him. Especially at sheep-shearing time.

You guys tore up the stage, but lived in hidden mansions in the middle of nowhere, England. How do you reconcile the two?

Well, it was a lot cheaper in the middle of nowhere. There were no hotels to destroy. There were no young birds to pull. My wife at the time had absolutely no sense of humor about groupies. That's why she's my wife at the time. I'm still paying for her. Rock star marriages are cheap compared to rock star divorces.

Back to the present day, what can we expect from Jimmy Page? I heard rumors of a tour in 2018.

That one never came together. You have no idea how hard it is to find people to play with. Nobody wants to play with Jimmy Page.

Jimmy, all of your serious musician friends can name 400 people you should play with, as opposed to... ummm.. your previous efforts.

Nobody tells me anything.

Price of fame?

Quite.

So I gotta ask you about Stairway.

Yeah, the new place has a winding one.

Stairway to Heaven.

No, it don't go that far.

Your song Stairway to Heaven.

Oh that one. Did I play on that?

You cowrote it.

Oh yeah, that's the one that went on forever. Plant's words were even farther out there than normal.

What do they mean?

How the fucking hell should I know? Plant can't even tell you.

He sang them with such conviction. It's the anthem of all school students from the mid 70s on.

Well. yeah, that was his thing.  You know how, if you say something with an authoritative voice, people believe you? Plant sang everything with an authoritative voice, so people thought he was deep. The words to Stairway weren't supposed to be the final words - they were only used as a guide for when he was done writing the full words. The album got out before we corrected that. Between you and me, the critics were right on that one.

What's the story on the famous doubleneck? On your first tour with the Firm, the tech put it out on a stand and it got an ovation.

I used a Fender XII in the studio and needed some way to play a 12 and a 6 for the entire song. I had Gibson whip one up for me. It's special - no one knows, aside from Gibson, how it differs from a regular doubleneck. That's why I get so much per guitar they sell.

Should we expect a tour any time soon?

Oh yeah, definitely.

Who will be touring?

I don't know yet.

What did the rest of you do while Bonzo attempted to assimilate Shakespeare? Or while Shakespeare tried to assimilate Bonzo? I hear Billy was a serious drinker.

Well, it was evenly split between the three of us. Robert used to run around the hotel, trying not to get caught by the screaming groupies. He frequently lost, meaning he won. I think his record was four. Simultaneously. Then four more. Then their mothers. Sometimes their pets.  Jonesy, he had a fondness for napping. He was so accomplished, he could nap onstage and no one would be the wiser. I think most of Song Remains the Same was videotaped while he was napping. Me, I... well.... I was destroying underage groupies, which was ok because I'm Jimmy Page. And keeping an eye on stocks. You know, stocks and groupies. As for the destruction, it was mostly Jonesy, the quiet one.

It always is. I saw an interview with you guys on Leno. Jones was the talkative one. Witty, too.

Yeah, he puts that on when tv cameras get near. He spent the entire plane ride napping. But when he put his mind to it, he could do incredible damage to a hotel. Absolutely unequaled in the annals of rock. This is the stuff you didn't hear.  He's very shy, so nobody published a word of it. If anything got out, Bonzo got blamed. Jonesy is a fan of explosives. He has a masters in demolition, so he didn't mess about. When he needed a hotel taken down, it got taken down. But he was a gentle man - he had the guests relocated first, at his expense. Then BOOM. He was so good, he could destroy only one room, all the way up to a city block.

Bonzo used to drive the staff crazy with his constant demands for fresh towels. Some nights he'd have 75 fresh towels brought up. No one knows why. He was also fond of tea, a nice robe, and some really good pipe tobacco. He tipped generously, so no one complained. Unless he was mad. You didn't want to see him mad. I've seen people chew their own limbs off rather than upsetting him.

The unhappiest staff were the ones who had to clean Robert's room after we checked out. They had hazmat suits and masks. It looked like an alien invasion. It smelled worse. There were still women on the floor, in the loo, and occasionally on the ceiling. Some were still alive.


Were you bigger than Jesus?

Lennon really had something there. He was a bit of a dirty hippie, but they really were bigger than Jesus at the time. He helped Jesus gain a little traction. We were definitely bigger than Jesus. I mean.. I'm 6' tall. Jesus couldn't have been more than 5'8". Squat fellow. Curly hair. I wish he could have worked on our staging - we needed somebody good with wood.


What was the whole mystical spiritual thing about?

Oh, that. More press from Grant. We had some photos taken in front of some sand and Grant told everyone we were at a spiritual retreat. We were at Robert's place, consuming massive amounts of alcohol. He has a basement full of it.

A wine cellar?

Well, yeah, but on the other side, he has a stash of fun liquor the size of several supermarkets. He has ptsd, so he likes to keep stocked, for fear he won't be able to find some when he needs it.


Who was Percy?

Percy was a nickname for Plant, around the time the pants got impossibly tight, the shirts were open all the way, and there was always .... something... in his jeans.


I don't mean to be indelicate, but Robert talked to the audience a lot and I didn't understand some of the stuff he said.

No matter, neither did we. Most times we just let him get on with it. Sometimes we'd take advantage and go backstage for some chocolate milk or a Jack and Chocolate. By the time we finished our drinks, we were ready to do the next song. It got out of hand one time.. I think it was Denver 74. I had an amp melt and he started talking. Only this time he didn't stop. They flew a tech in from London, who rebuilt the entire amp while Robert was sharing wisdom with the crowd. When the lights were going down, a roadie hit him with a large frying pan and he stopped talking. Briefly. Sometimes it was hard to get through with a straight face. The audience thought we were so happy at the music we were making. We were, but we were hysterical over Robert's behavior.  If you ever interview him, you must remember to call him Robert. Rob, Bob, Johnny, and Sugarpie are right out. You'll get a serious tongue-lashing, but you might not understand any of it. One guy at a stadium called him Bob. I think he's still at the loony bin after all these years. Don't get Robert mad or you'll get a talking to.


Let's get to the meat... tell me about your guitars.

Do I play guitar? Sometimes I forget.  Oh yeah, I have a 59 Les Paul that's my baby. It was featured on everything after 1972 and I toured with it relentlessly. There's the Tele with the B-Bender, which I overused. The original Tele that Fender just reissued - that one was on every album til 1972. There's another 58 Les Paul, with custom switching on it.

What do the switches do?

I'll be damned if I know. I just leave em where they are. If something sounds odd, I have my tech, Jimmy Stage (we call him Susan) come out and push the buttons til they're in the right order. It was fun, though, because the entire guitar community was trying to figure out how it was wired. They had no idea the switches didn't do anything and there was no way it was physically possible to do what we claimed it could do. Rock Gods need to laugh too.

You were known for Marshalls most of the time. Your more modern rigs feature Orange and other custom-looking amps. Regardless, you still sound like you.

Yes, I do have a lot of amps, I do.
Let me tell you a secret: I sound the same through everything because I use a small 5 watt Marshall that sits in back of the stacks. The stacks are there for decoration. Plus it keeps the internet guessing. Since I can't put together a band, this has become a pastime for me. Sometimes I log onto guitar forums under a fake name and join the arguing. The best times are when people say 'Page NEVER used that amp' and I actually did. It's a game that goes on all day and I never get tired of it.

Wow. That's a lot to take in.  What was it like making the Loud movie with Edge and that kid?

That was pretty fun. My favorite part is when the 6 person road crew brought in Edge's pedalboard. I have planes smaller than his pedalboard. The kid, I forget his name, eyed me reverently. Could barely play a note. Edge actually plays a note, then the delays do the rest. I played humble. Tossers.

I've never played a lefty doubleneck before. Can you get Gibson to make me one? The last one I saw was ten grand. Can I play yours?

No. Next.

How about Les Paul #1? I'll let you play my 58 lefty reissue.... I love it when righties play my guitars. 

Still no.

How about my hyper metal ADA rack preamp with 2 tubes and a vibrator?

No.. .wait... a vibrator.. 2 tubes. .. .ok.

I feel honored.

Your playing is shit, by the way.

Jimmy.. I've been waiting all my life to hear that. Fellow musicians tell me that all day, every day, but to have Jimmy frickin Page tell me I suck is like a blessing from on high.

Don't mention it. Can I keep the .. ummm... vibrator for a bit? You know, to audition the preamp....

Sure - it's the least I could do. In high schools all over the country, people used to argue over who was the best guitarist and put together celebrity bands. You got to play in a lot of bands. Unlike now...  maybe I can make some calls for you. Is this whole thing Robert's fault?

I'm sworn to secrecy on that, so I'll just say it's Robert's fault. Jonesy is all ready and Jason Bonzo takes after his father in a way that makes our hearts glad. Except for the Shakespeare, which also makes our hearts glad.

My work wife, the lesbian, says she likes your music but Plant makes her ears bleed.

For some unknown reason, we never went over well with lesbians. Maybe because Robert was prettier than most girls... we gave up guessing.



How did you come about the massive stacking of guitars you did in the studio?

If there was a spare track, there was a spare guitar. I wanted more, but they told me more would erase the bass, drums, and vocals. I didn't see the problem but they were insistent, so I went along.

It was quite a shock to a young guitar player to learn that his favorite tunes were actually played on a lot of guitars. Because of this, I learned all the parts to Ten Years Gone as one guitar. I feel silly now.

Don't feel silly. Can you uh.. show me how you did that?

You're too kind. What were your impressions of Ten Years Gone? The stacking, the production, the haunting words, the drop D tuning...

Well, as we were wont to do, Robert came in with the words and I made up the music. We knew we had an anthem with that one.


It's my favorite Led Zeppelin song of the entire catalog. Let's switch hats and I'll tell you a story. Long ago, I met my first love. She played guitar and was the most beautiful girl in the entire school. Not being a suave football type, I used guitar to get to know her. We got along famously and were together for quite a while. I taught her Ten Years Gone. When she got hold of a new song, she would play it constantly, to the point I'd beg her to find a different song. She carried on, undeterred. She passed way to early, so every time I hear the song, I think of her. 

I'm sorry, what did you say? I was in the loo.

Never mind.  Are you writing anything new these days? We're all pretty hungry for some epic Page. And the whole reissue thing has petered out. How about some video of a really good Zep concert; one where Jones was awake throughout?

That was a rumor. The footage doesn't exist.

Did you know there's an entire community dedicated to your equipment? These guys can tell everybody which Tone Bender version you were using at which show. And when you changed to the next version. And which guitars you used at which concert.

That's quite odd. It's time to go on the internet again under the fake name. I'm going to start a rumor that one of the switches on the main Les Paul actually did something, but I'm not going to tell them which switch or what it did.  This should take up most of 2019 and give me great joy.  Since you haven't asked me any stupid questions, I'll tell you. It was a signal to my cigarette roadie that I needed another one. Between songs or guitar changes, he'd light up two; one for me and one for the Les Paul. If I got done first, I got the Les Paul's fag too.

What influence did the cigarettes have on your playing?

Depending on the results of my next doctor visit, cancer.  They were always getting in the studio's equipment and fouling things up. We ruined several 24 track decks with just my smoke. They left in a yellow state. Looked like its liver had stopped working and it had jaundice. We'd keep track of the machines with a slash on the studio wall. Physical Grafitti ran through six of them.

Jimmy, thanks for coming by and sharing so much information with me and all four of my blog readers.  Jimmy? Jimmy?

And with that, all I saw was curtains flying. He had disappeared into the ether. Probably to write some new tunes or put together a band. Or log into the internet.

Tech 21 - Guitar Content Only

GUITAR STUFF - read at your own peril


Tech21 is the manufacturer of the famous SansAmp no-amp rigs that plug right into an amp or console. The current series is the Fly Rig, available in basic or different artist flavors. Without even touching the tones, the concept is tremendous. An amplifier/effects rig in a small (12" ?) pedal. A lot of my fellow guitar players keep one of these in their bag in case their amp lets out the Magic Smoke and stops working [Magic Smoke makes all electronics run. If you let the Magic Smoke out, the device won't run anymore]. Some people use these as fly rigs (stop it), where they go to small or hastily put together shows without their amp - they just fly out with one of these boxes. Amp moving costs a lot of money too, especially overseas.

Richie Kotzen has a signature model, which he uses in his everyday rig, into an onstage clean amp. You can't get more authentic than that. He spent a lot of time developing it with Tech21, to their credit.

Tech21 has a page of videos on YouTube, as is mandatory these days. It's great because anyone can hear what they sound like before auditioning one for themselves or ordering one. They're reasonably priced too. And here is where I have a few issues (other issues, thank you). I want to reiterate that these are great pedals and incredibly useful. You're getting my opinion only here.

In the Pete Thorn video, he does a good job demoing the pedal. I'm with him right up until he starts saying it's a great sounding pedal. Pete is a phenomenal guitar player, with a ton of unbelievably good sounding vintage and custom amps. I don't see this kind of comparison as valid. It's not that I don't think the pedal sounds good or works well in a track... it's just the comparison.

In some of the videos, additional pedals are used. I didn't watch the videos to hear how the device sounds with other pedals; I want to hear it by itself. Show me what it can do. Putting a DS-1 in line to sound like Joe Satriani is like putting a Fuzz Face in line to sound like Jimi. Want to impress potential customers? Create the sound with the Fly Rig itself. No, you won't nail Van Halen's Unchained without the external flanger, but that's completely forgivable.

Now that I've given my personal opinion, let me give my personal opinion (on the viability of a Fly Rig in my rig) (sorry). I'm not what you'd call a working musician, as most musicians aren't. However I'm a pretty well-equipped non-working musician. Instead of buying Nice Stuff all my life, everything went into gear. My amps run from a real tweed Champ to a 74 Marshall half stack. I have some concept of tone, and it tends to line up nicely with general consensus.

Quite frankly, the boxes don't sound like or as good as amps. Nothing's wrong here, as one cannot reasonably expect a pedal to sound like a Fender tweed Deluxe or tan Bassman. I'm not all that crazy about the sound. However, I agree with many who carry it in their spares case. I also think it's very valuable for recording, in that the tones will sit nicely in the track, as well as not needing to crank up the Plexi at 2am. Further, I would rather hear the amp behind me, blowing sound at me onstage, not through monitors.

Suggestion: you did a great job on packaging the pedals. They're ideal because they're very small, and that's my issue.. I was not born with balance, grace, or the ability to see well on a dark stage. I'd make the pedal wider, so Stage Ballet isn't necessary. As for width, 12" isn't enough (STOP IT!). I'd give it another 6" or so, to comfortably get my huge, flat feet to hit the correct switch. My feet are so flat (HOW FLAT ARE THEY?) they're so flat that NIST uses them as a standard.

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The Character Series pedals are designed to sound like a specific amp, available in Blonde (60s Fender blonde amps), British (Marshall), and Liverpool (Vox AC30/15), among others. I'll save us a lot of extra reading and say my opinion of these is the same as the Fly Rig: they don't really sound like their name, but they get you in the ballpark and are great as a utility, spare, or recording pedal.

**********************************

The future will bring us pedals that sound really close to the original tone. This is happening in software these days, at least in terms of improvements. Software is somewhat (incredibly) difficult to use in a live setting, so it lives in the studio for now. Well.... not entirely... these Tech 21 products are analog (discrete parts, like they used from the first ever pedal). Digital pedals use software to manipulate the bits and bobs to achieve the desired effect (sorry again).

A big problem in any emulator is emulating vacuum tubes (valves in the UK). It's not easy, but if ads are any indication, tubes are important, Most emulators, pedals, and amps use the phrase "Sounds just like tubes". Another bump is emulating 'sag', which is the positive effect of tubes squashing their power supply. One of the best tones ever comes from tubes operating close to their maximum specs.  So TURN IT UP! has a sound basis in electronics, as well as tone.

If you can't get, can't afford, can't tell the difference, or don't want to schlep large, heavy tube amps, buy pedals. This is probably one of the weirdest non-reviews Tech 21 has ever come across.



As one would expect, cheaper clones, made (way) offshore, are available in many flavors, and have their own YouTube videos.





** go ahead - accuse me of being a dinosaur. If using close to the original amplifiers the pedals attempt to emulate is being a dinosaur... if being very picky about tone is being a dinosaur... if Jeff Beck, Jimi Page, and Frank Zappa are still using/used the originals.... I'm a dinosaur. When El Becko and Page hit the stage without their Marshall tube backline and sound seriously good, it will be time for me to give a serious listen to what they're using. When Frank Zappa hits the stage without his impossibly complex tube rig, I will seriously start to question reality. After the show, of course.

You Picked a Bad Morning to Run Windows

If you haven't patched every version of Windows you use DO IT NOW, per earlier blog post, lest you lose all your files to ransomware. BACK UP YOUR FILES OFFLINE.

In case you're curious, everybody's best friend, the NSA, hoards vulnerabilities as weapons, not reporting them to (in this case) Microsoft. Unfortunately, these vulnerabilities got leaked and the Bad People are now using them. The letter agencies are completely out of control.

A very side effect of this is that medical equipment is getting infected. Do you want those machines that go PING next to your hospital bed to be infected? Why does this happen?  Since many medical devices run on Windows and they are connected to the local network, they can easily get infected with WannaCry."

Odds are my readers are not employed as security professionals. That said, reading the above sentence, what would you recommend? Yes, this is your future... your fridge will eventually hold your food hostage.

• United Airlines has taught themselves (hopefully) and us important lessons. One of their attendants leaked the cockpit door combination online. The lessons are to not drag people off planes when there's video and no matter how secure you are from the outside, there's always idiots on the inside who will screw things up. We have seen the enemy and it is us.

In the latest installment of Hackers Have Your Movie, Disney's new Pirates of the Caribbean is being held hostage and Disney isn't paying up. CEO Bob Iger has the Feds involved, but I wonder how long it will take until Bob's private files, featuring the donkeys, become public... or the Mouse House comes down on the private parts of the hackers.

In other, deeply personal hacking news, Brooks Brothers has been hacked; the hackers made off with payment card details.  When I think of all the money I paid for a closet full of high quality suits, I realize I can't even tell you where a Brooks Brothers store is. They want you to know they're right on top of the matter, though, as it has only been going on for about a year.

• I bought a laptop stand. It's pretty much a tray table but looked like it would do the job. I enjoy the thing, but not near as much as Marshall, who has taken to camping out underneath it, like an awning, or right next to it, so I can't get around him. It's almost like he's part cat. Currently he's in doggie dreamland, farting up a storm and choking off my oxygen. If anybody strikes a match, the whole place is going up.

CBS has been slammed for new fall shows, all starring men. 

Whine whine... 

Let's get together and collaborate on some possible starring replacements for men:

• talking breasts
• fish
• dust from vertical blinds
• carburetors
• elephants

please chime in.

• James Patrick Page, guitar player of some note, in a band called Led something or other, is dating a 26 year old woman. Fame and talent hath its privileges, as she's one-third his age. Are you getting the idea about why I want to be a Big Rock Star<tm>?

A woman stabs her boyfriend. This is generally acknowledged as a Pretty Bad Thing. Well, she may be getting off because it will hurt her career prospects. Is this what they refer to as Male Privilege? 

• Cardiff, Wales, home of the fictional Torchwood, is gearing up for its Naked Bike Ride protest.  It is not immediately apparent whether the protest is against naked bike riding or something else, but I dare not click the link, as it goes to Faceyspaces.  This event could go spectacularly wrong, so I advise caution if there's a live feed.
• As if anyone could get enough of Wales, people are OUTRAGED at the ASDA retail chain is selling a jumper that says "Boys will be boys." The lead malcontent claims this maintains damaging stereotypes. Not mentioned was the other boys jumper that says "I have a penis," which also maintains the damaging stereotype that boys have penises (and can't identify as girls, presumably).

RIP Chris Cornell, former frontman for Soundgarden. He died suddenly and unexpectedly (of suicide). Another of rock's great lead voices gone. He was an original.

Please talk to someone. Seek help. Tell a friend. There is assistance. You don't have to feel this way. And there will be a lot of people left in your wake after you go. Condolences to Chris' wife and two children.

Lastly, this means people will pay more attention to Eddie Vedder. Nothing good can come from this.

• Qualcomm has a patent on for internet-connected shoes. What could possibly go wrong?

Twitter has updated its privacy policy. Remembering that everything is opposite from the way it sounds, this means that Twitter has updated the way it ruins your privacy. The results are fairly astounding. Check it out.

• Tired of the ridiculousness coming out of the college professors, a Portland State University professor and mathematician collaborated to write a hoax paper called "The Conceptual Penis as a Social Construct." Reviewers loved it, even though the authors tried to make is as incoherent as possible.  Nice to see a little humor in the process.

Houthi and the Blowfish

RARE TECH ITEM
Every now and then I veer off this blog's satirical/sarcastic bent to mention a tech item or two (not doing so is what got me thrown off my last platform).  Let's start with Windows.

Microsoft products are unsafe at any speed by design. Fact-based reminders that Windows is not designed for security, regardless of version, patching, day of the week, or whether the NSA is itchy or not that week.

• We interrupt this tech segment to bring you urgent ancient music news: have you ever noticed how bad the snare or snapping sound is on Tom Jones' It's Not Unusal is? It's way up there in the Annals of Bad Sound.  That aside, you can hear the guitar semi-clearly too and it's a good thing: Jimmy Page (you know, Led Zeppelin) played it. Jimmy and John Paul Jones were on a huge percentage of hits out of England around this time.

AUDIO TECH ITEM

I'm not what you'd call a fan but the Grateful Dead were certainly tech pioneers. No, really. From mass communications to tapers and p.a. systems, the Dead were at the forefront (even though some of them were occasionally waaaaay at the back).

• Back to the TPP. As you may remember, the president has negotiating power for really bad trade agreements and Congress has a Yes/No vote. This was rushed through and I can't imagine why. It turns out to be a gift to Big Pharma (Big Surprise). This document was kept secret from the public (the most transparent administration in history). They really need to go.

I ordered some stuff online. It took about a week. Then I ordered something else from the same place. Today I got a confirmation that my order had been updated to Shipped status. Great, I thought... I'll get the item quickly. Oh, wait a minute, they used USPS tracking. I checked online and found out that my item had been shipped and arrived in my mailbox six days ago.  Yes, six days later, I got confirmation I received the initial package. Such speed and efficiency.

• I don't know if it's circumstance or simply taking notice, but I have heard the word peculiar quite a number of times this week. Give a listen for it. It's not the sort of word one hears often, yet it plagues me like the past, in which Tom Petty haunted me no matter where I went or what I was listening to or watching.

My dog wanted to perform a bit of science the other night: he wanted to know if I could fly. This took the form of standing up as I was carefully walking around and over him. As it turns out, not quite as carefully as I had at first thought. The science proved that I cannot fly so much as plummet, slipping on some handy papers and bouncing off the coffee table onto the floor. So the dog has his answer and fortunately I have nothing but a very painful (and near-fatal) knee scrape to show for it.

• Speaking of cats, have you ever noticed that cats have a sixth sense? They know where you're going to be and place themselves there a split second before you do. As was recently suggested, it's because cats are assholes. This also explains why the cat drapes himself over the path to any door so the dog won't cross him. The dog would gladly walk a mile in the wrong direction rather than cross the cat. This is extremely puzzling, as the dog will walk right up to the cat's food bowl and nudge him out of it.

According to just-released court documents, Bill Cobsy purchased Quaaludes in order to give them to women before having sex with them (does anybody remember 'ludes?).  I guess groups of over twenty women aren't imagining things.  In an effort to make amends, the Cosby Estate is offering Rape Mansion Tours, complete with 'vitamin pills' and free drinks. Rape victims and women in general are encouraged to make appointments for personal tours.

• Wanna know what makes the country go round?  An agreement to curb Iran’s nuclear program could create a bonanza for U.S. defense contractors who already are benefiting as the Obama administration tries to assuage Israeli and Gulf Arab concerns by cutting deals for more than $6 billion in military hardware.

HOW ABOUT SOME MUSICAL MALFEASANCE?

Sho' nuff. This weeks installment of The lefty Report features that little old band from Texas, ZZ Top. Jimi Hendrix referred to Billy Gibbons (gtr, voc) as a great up and coming guitarist - isn't that enough of an endorsement? 

Sure, I could go with the hits and videos everyone knows but that would be boring and atypical. I'm heading for the more obscure stuff that shows another side of the Top.  Let's start with Manic Mechanic, a great tune from the Deguello album, featuring his signature pitch changing effect on vocals. ZZ likes to throw in some humor from time to time, along with some really cool musical tricks. Next we have Heard it on the X, a great tune about Down South Radio, a studio tune included on Fandango, a live album. Give it a listen for some smokin' Texas bbq from earlier in their career.

Check out Live in Germany for a great insight into the pre-MTV band. Pay particular attention to Fool for Your   Stockings, a favorite at the leftystrat household - Those stockins are a real cross you must bare.

Joe Has Just Left the Building

Joe Cocker died, age 70, from lung cancer.

It was the 1970's. I remember it well, which is interesting, as I remember very little. In the front of the house, next to the air conditioner, my mom kept a stack of albums [shut up] against the wall. One had a white background and a picture of some strange looking guy who seemed to be in pain. With a cover like that, it had to be good. I was a youngster so I didn't know any better but I knew what I liked. I wore the damn album out and collected more and more. 

Yes, my mother turned me on to Joe Cocker. Turnabout is fair play: I introduced her to the Allman Brothers and took my parents to their first Little Feat concert.

I only saw him once or twice in concert, although I had video and audio. You can catch a lot of his stuff on Youtube but I recommend Mad Dogs and Englishmen, a documentary of his tour in the very early seventies. Leon Russell was his musical director. My, how things have changed.

There are certain songs that never fail to get an audience going. As a result, my bands always played Feelin' Alright. Also The Letter. No matter how poorly we played it, the audience got up and danced.

Jimmy Page was a session guitarist way back then and played on 'With a Little Help' and 'Bye Bye Blackbird'. Page also played on Tom Jones' 'It's Not Unusual' and a fair percentage of the music coming out of England at the time.

When I was doing musical comedy, I did a Cocker parody. While I can do a decent imitation, I cannot really sing (like most singers today, I never let that stop me).

People often ask about non-guitar players influencing your playing.  Joe opened me up to new kinds of music. He made me want to play. He also made me want to sing (my poor audiences). Fortunately his songs and style are well-documented and will be with us forever.

My first black rescue cocker was named Joe Cocker Spaniel. He, too, was a legend in his area.

We aren't left with a lot in his wake. We still have Gregg Allman, Delbert McClinton and Sass Jordan (who did a duet with Joe).

Man, I'm getting old.

Remembering Davy and Stuff

The wife and I spent a large part of the past weekend watching the Monkees marathon on Antenna TV.  Antenna TV is the second worst broadcast tv channel available, the first being THIS.  But since Antenna has been running the Monkees, we have been watching.

The schedule was every episode from both seasons then their movie (Head) late Sunday.  I couldn't wait, noting that I had never seen Head.  My wife remarked she had, about four times.  I suggested that I watch and she practice.  This was followed immediately by a large amount of tea coming from her nostrils.  For some reason I usually end up wearing a lot of what she drinks.

Like the Beatles, there will be no reunion.  Mike never really toured with them so even the touring Monkees are done as we know them.

I have vague recollections of watching the Monkees when I was little.  I remember enjoying the show but being bothered that they were lip-synching.  I might have even had a little Monkeemobile but that was quite a while ago.  As reruns came up, I watched.

In addition to Davy, we lost Ronnie Montrose over the weekend.  He was a talented guitarist for whom Sammy Hagar sang at one point.  All this loss has got me to considering the inevitable numerical end of this sequence.  In other words, they're dying off at the old end and we're not replacing them on the young end.  This will eventually leave us with no one.  Seriously, are we going to know, hear, or care when Coldplay dies?

Where is our next Led Zeppelin?  Jimi Hendrix?  Even the Monkees?  Yes, we have mountains of prefabricated product at our disposal and that's what they are: disposable.  This is the inevitable conclusion of record company greed - where everything is product, everything is the same, and the Great Unwashed doesn't know the difference.  Turn on your tv and watch.  Or better yet, turn it off.

Rolling Stone magazine once said Kurt Cobain was the next Hendrix.  This was the precise moment I gave up reading Rolling Stone forever.

We might want to consider bodyguards and live-in physicians for Jimmy Page, Jeff Beck and others, in our own self-interest.  Mister Page might not relish someone bursting into his mansion and demanding he undertake a serious health regimen but hey - we're buying his stuff and we need to watch over our investment.  It's purely out of love.

At least we still have the Rolling Stones.
Sort of.

SIR Jimmy?

Coming to us from the Daily Telegraph is an article about Jimmy Page being mentioned for knighthood.

Sir James Page would join luminaries such as Sir Elton and Sir Paul.

I'm voting for this, in spite of the fact that I'm an American.  Over here, we vote wisely, vote often.

If you've read this far and still have that scrunched up quizzical face, Jimmy Page would be the guitarist/writer/producer of Led Zeppelin fame.  Prior to Zeppelin, Page was an in-demand session musician.  That's Jimmy on Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" and Joe Cocker's version of "With a Little Help from my Friends".

Robert Plant and the Band of Joy - a Left-Handed Review

WTF is a left-handed review?

I dunno - I just made it up.  It means not your standard review.  Perhaps even inaccurate or just plain weird.

The venue, at least in my house, is public television (On Canvas).  Robert's venue is a war memorial in Tennessee.  He makes it plain from the top that he's really into not being a humongous rock star, repeating it in various ways, such as referencing Madison Square Garden.

If you came for Led Zeppelin, you're S.O.L. - let's get that straight immediately.  The only resemblance to Led Zeppelin would be the lead vocalist.

As for the left-handed review, there were absolutely NO lefties in the band.  Before you get too settled, the cocker spaniel review is that there were no cockers onstage at all, period.  Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's have at the rest of the real review....

This is not your father's Band of Joy.  As I understand it, only the name remains the same, as it were.  For you extremely young ones, the Band of Joy was Robert Plant's band before Led Zeppelin.  For one thing, there are about six of them.  For another, the Plant person is not the exclusive lead vocalist, even heading to the rear for the occasional harp blast.

This is a much more organic band, with a much more organic sound.  Say what you want about Plant, his efforts were always fresh.  It's very difficult to describe the band's overall sound (other than organic?).  Perhaps a touch of country, via all the old stuff Plant channeled.

The most difficult spot in the world is the one directly to the right of Mister Plant, that being the poor beknighted guitar player.  No matter what this guy does, he has to live up to an invisible, omnipresent Les Paul-slinging guitar legend.  This fellow's name is Buddy Miller and he has every reason to be proud of himself.  He did the first two tunes with a Danelectro (baritone?) guitar, tuned incredibly low.  I kept wondering when the bassist was going to clock him for taking up all of his space.

Not entirely sure what the amp setup was but the tones were dark and swampy, with plenty of tweed-y grunge.  Buddy sang a few tunes too, most ably.  There were no `standard' electrics used.  Instead there was the Dano, something that looked like a twelve string electric mandolin, and another Dano; the kind that had the amp in the case, and a Gretsch.  In case you missed him, Buddy looks like an age-progressed version of Wavy Gravy :)

The drummer did a great (organic) job with his smallish kit, which was frequently muffled.  He had all sorts of toys sitting around that made things interesting.

The bassist started with a Precision and migrated to a standup bass.

A petite female called Patty Griffin (from Texas) sang, played guitar, and did a little percussion.  The leather dress was unflattering.  The voice was flattering, in that southern way.

There was another fellow who we'll call Earl, just because I don't like the name.  Every musician who has been in a band has played with Earl.  He's the guy who got in because he talked his way in, definitely because of his talent.  Since nobody wants to hurt Earl's feelings, nobody bothers to tell him how loudly and perfectly he sucks.  So what happens is that when you play out, you instruct the sound man to put a mic up by Earl but never, EVER, turn the mic on, under any circumstances.

Now I'm in no way saying that Robert Plant's Earl is lacking in the talent department.  I could not venture an opinion, largely because I can't hear a single note the poor guy is playing.  The sound man never turned him up.  The only partial noise we get is leakage into Patty's mic.  It's a shame, too, as the guy plays mandolin, guitar, steel guitar, and something that might be called a mandola, only I've never really seen a mandola; I just know it's bigger than a mandolin.

I did not expect to hear Robert Plant and band singing Satisfied Mind, which they did admirably.   An interview segment with Plant mentioned the Zeppelin catalog, after which the band broke into Ramble On and Gallows Pole, in an interesting and fresh way.  They also broke into a rousing rockabilly rendition of Rock and Roll.  No, really.

What Do You Do After Led Zeppelin?

I have to sympathize with Mr. Plant's plight.  He spends forever as the face of arguably the greatest rock and roll band ever.  After a very long break, he does a one-off with the band and is asked to continue.  He refuses and pursues his muse (or something).  You have to give him points for following his vision.

Now let me put my Fan Hat on.

Led Zeppelin is one of the greatest rock and roll bands ever.  Plant et. al. have done some decent work in the post-Zeppelin years, but much like that little outfit from Liverpool, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

I was never fortunate enough to see the Zeppelin as a whole: I had to satisfy myself with video and Plant and Page solo tours.  The guys belong together, regardless of other projects.  They need to share themselves with the world, at least while they still have a few of their original hair colors present (sorry, Jimmy).  They all still have it in their own ways, as proved at the O2 concert.  And Jason Bonham is a chip off the old groove.  He has his father's foot.