What is the Airspeed Velocity of Congress?

 Your love is like  painful constipation

Door-opening cicadas?

H-bombing Bumblebees

Gun-shooting cats (not really a surprise)

Tunnel-Boring Giraffes

Sort of related: drones that hunt down humans by listening to their screams.  Ummm.... what if they're not screaming? Do they drop $1500 hammers on them? Are they preceded by notification that the Masked Furry has been canceled?

Today I identify as  Siamese twins

• Your iDevice is taking pictures of you, without your knowledge or permission 

US House Rep Mo Brooks tweeted his Gmail password and PIN Sunday.

How?

He had it on a yellow sticky on his monitor, of which he took a picture.

This is the worst negative stereotype in the IT world.

People like this shouldn't be allowed near computers. It's 2021, people. Computers aren't new.

Cyber athletes to form US Cyber Team

can you imagine?

I have a preliminary list of games....

• the 500 minute gaming chair sit
• fastest involuntary Windows reboot
• largest consumption of Monster drink in 60 seconds
• pass the browser cookies
• 100 second login sprint

Are you still using Gmail? Check out the 11 best Gmail alternatives  

[HINT: Protonmail]

50 years ago, NASA relaxed quarantine rules from returning Moon missions.

However, we still scrub down the Moon-bound ships so we don't contaminate the poor Moon

Can you imagine the Moon contaminated by...

• the Flying AIDS
• Cardio B - Top Hits radio
• the common cold, which would kill the Moon aliens
• the Masked Furry
• Chinese-made American flags

You know when they land, Elon Musk will be there, waving at them.

So that Alzheimer's drug the FDA approved that they shouldn't have?

Since the FDA’s approval yesterday, researchers and pharma watchers have called the agency’s decision “disgraceful,” “a grave error,” and a “dangerous precedent” that will end up “eroding confidence in the agency as a whole.”

Can you imagine confidence in the FDA eroding?

"Wait," you say... "That ship already sailed?"

• ThermionicEmissions would like to sincerely apologize: the Bay of Pigs was not Rob Reiner's pool party. We have made a note and it will not happen again.

The dog seems to take some strange pleasure out of making me work.

Two days ago she disembowled one of her stuffed animals, but instead of stuff, it was little plastic balls. I spent a while getting them up with our single cooperative vacuum.

And last night, there was another pile of little plastic balls.

Add these to the pile of toys she keeps at the foot of the couch, and you have Pretty Penny, the Dirt Dog.

I know dogs aren't supposed to have these kind of emotions, but it happens every time. Somewhere, somehow, she earned her Vacuum Badge.

She also got hold of a Lindt white chocolate truffle, wrapped. She's been carrying it around for days. I don't know about you, but if there's a Lindt truffle near me, it's going to be eaten immediately, not carried around. Maybe she's saving it for the right moment. Maybe she hasn't figured out how to unwrap it. She can open a peanut shell, eat the peanuts, then spit out the shell. 

She's a complex dog.

Inanely complex.

Good thing she's cute.

• Chipotle is raising prices to offset its $15 minimum wage hike
• isn't that nice? people demand an exorbitant wage and the customers pay for it

I'm a victim of Microsoft Teams. Sometimes I have to amuse myself.

I wait til my friend is in Presenting mode, then send an email with the subject: herpes treatment

If the settings are just right, 'herpes treatment' pops up on their screen, while they're presenting.

(There is only one person who doesn't think it's hilarious)

• Breast Implant Illness is a thing?
• don't test the theory - perhaps you should stop putting bags of silicone under your skin 

I think my fridge does stuff while we're asleep.

We haven't caught it yet, but something's always out of place.

Wife thinks it does stuff around the house.

I think it goes places.

Some say you go places in your dreams.

Imagine going somewhere and running into your fridge...

I wonder.... is the fridge somehow involved in hiding the mustard?

There's this phenomenal horseradish mustard that's the only thing we use. It's so strong, it will singe your nose hair. In case you're wondering, that's a good thing. You never realize how many things require mustard until you're out of it. Sliced turkey sandwich? Mustard. Corned beef and cabbage? Mustard. 4 day tenderized breast of transmission? Mustard. Roast beef sandwich? Mayo. [NOOOOOOOOO... that's just not right. you don't put mayo on beef].

Only it's been really difficult to find lately. We have 3 local stores that 'carry' it, and when I say carry it, I mean we find it there once in a while. Maybe we put it in the fridge and it pushes the bottles to the back, where we can't find them. Especially me.. men can't find anything, anywhere. So when we open the fridge, if it doesn't personally fall off the shelf and hit us in the eye, causing the police and emergency room to get involved, while we deny anybody at all, specifically our spouse, hit us. We swear - it was the mustard. We couldn't find a huge turkey in the fridge. We're just not equipped to look for things. I think it's evolutionary. When we were cavemen (and cavewomen, and everybody was binary), men went out hunting. We had to find bison, deer, and wild soda. These were large. We had no trouble seeing them. When we brought them home, the women did something with them that made them virtually invisible. Little has changed. Then when we learned where things went, she changed it. So we already can't find things and it's now worse because she moved (hid) them. 

I'm just going to call the mustard place and have them ship me a case.

While this sounds like a smart move, the same thing is going to happen when we finish the last bottle. 

While trying to find the mustard, the fridge threw up some additional barriers, in the form of road closures. I would never complain about road work, but it just seems like you can't get there from here. If the road has a number on it, like 476, 29th, or 666, it's under construction and traffic is at a standstill. Some of the motorists have a rolling game of Yahtzee going. The older drivers are sitting around, talking about their favorite hobby, going to the doctor. Even the assholes, who will literally point a gun at you if they think you cut them off, are hanging out with the old folks, crying about their misspent youth and wanting their mothers. If you can find a way to make a U-turn, it's only going to become gridlocked in that direction too. The exit for the store that carries the mustard is closed. So someone buys a convenience store sandwich, gets 100 yards from the house, then has to go to the other store that carries the mustard, because the sandwiches required mustard. All of this is going on at 2pm, which is not rush hour, even for Philthydelphia. Browsing the website, I see a ton of horseradish products, none of which is mustard. I could have a sinking feeling, but no, they'll just ship me some personally.

Aaaaaaaaaaand it's fscking discontinued.

Mind you, the traffic won't be discontinued - just my mustard.

This is the kind of rollercoaster ride you get here at ThermionicEmissions. You experience it as I do. You feel my disappointments. You'll feel my triumphs too, as soon as I do.

• Fauci says when you attack me, you are attacking science.
• Nah, just your competence and salary.

The acting head of the Transportation Security Administration has issued a memo warning that 131 of the nation’s largest airports will face staffing shortages this month while asking office workers to volunteer to assist with airport checkpoints.

Because office staff has no training, it should put them on equal footing with airport staff.

They will need some direction....

• Here is where you fondle them
• Tell them no one will see their xray, then go behind the wall and look at it
• Tell them any amount of liquid is over the maximum and confiscate it
• Tell every 20th passenger they're on the no-fly list, just for fun
• If you find anything interesting, tell them they can't fly with it and take it home
• let any explosives or guns through - things have been boring lately

 

Last issue I said I wouldn't ask readers to contribute money or buy me stuff on Amazon. It makes me very uncomfortable. Although I didn't say Reverb or Lark Street Music, they were implied.

So today I told Mrs. lefty I had a difficult choice and sought her help.

Did I want the $1200 lefty Brian May (Queen) guitar or the lefty 1957 Stratocaster, which is refinished, so it's only $17,500. I'm leaning toward the Strat. Mrs. lefty was leaning in the other direction. Quickly.

I get the distinct impression I'm not getting either.

I tried explaining that a craftsman or musician is only as good as his tools. I bought Craftsman tools because they were very good and lasted. So why should I settle for $600 guitars? Mind you, she is the same person who told me to get the laptop I really wanted because I'm usually attached to it.

So I'm not getting horseradish mustard OR a ridiculously expensive guitar.

Life could be much worse.

Will You Show These 20 Good People the Dog Kennels?

The above references a Monty Python sketch about a just-married couple buying a mattress. This is because today's story is about a mattress.

A fictional couple is purchasing a sleep number bed and a no number fridge from their fictional parents.

Fictional Mom: I need a new bed, so we want to give you the new Sleep Number bed.

Fictional Wife: That's incredibly generous of you but we must pay you for it.

Fictional Husband: G-bus, we've had cars that cost less than that bed.

Mom: And the fridge.

Wife: The fridge?

Mom: Yes.




Wife: I'll call some movers.

Husband: Call one of those 2 guys and a truck people. We don't need commercial movers for a bed and fridge.

Wife: I called them, only it's two guys - we have to rent the truck.

Husband: This isn't going to go well, is it?

Wife: Not on your life, bud.




Wife: It's all set! We have a truck, two guys at an outrageously high hourly rate, and all will go well.

Husband: You're just tempting the universe.

Wife: All we need to do it make sure there's a path for them to move everything.

Husband. A path, you say?

Wife: Yes, so they can walk the bed and fridge through.

Husband: What - the 2' path that's already there isn't enough?


Wife: It's Monday - we have the whole week to work on it.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
Wife: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE ALL THIS SHIT TO DO.  Bag up the 100 dog toys he put all over the steps. Clean the entire kitchen. Hide the spare televisions and the rhinocerous cages in the bathroom. Throw the explosives in the bedroom. Put the bird out back. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE A BIRD?

Husband: You do realize I'm working from home today.

Wife: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY.

Husband: How do you leave early when you're already home?

Wife: STFU and get vacuuming.

Husband: Shouldn't I wait til they have everything in place and they're done dragging in more dirt?

Wife: No. We're recovering slobs and I don't want anyone to know. Now clean the fridge.

Husband: The fridge? The one we're throwing out?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: Why am I cleaning literal trash?

Wife: I don't want anybody to know what our fridge looks like.

Husband: Keep the (*#@ing doors closed.

Wife: You need to take the doors off.

Husband: No I don't.

Wife: Yes you do - it's the law, so kids don't get stuck in there.

Husband: If they get stuck in there, they'll learn a valuable lesson and never do it again.



One day earlier:

Wife: I texted Dad 4 hours ago that everything was set and nothing has changed. He just left a voicemail, panicking because he doesn't know the game plan.

Husband: I just got 2 calls from Fictional Parents within 5 minutes, out of their minds because they don't know what's up and because you didn't answer your phone. When did I become your answering service?

Wife: They're crazy. They will wait til I have time to call them.

Husband: Can't we just cancel the bed? They're giving stuff to their neighbors - let them give the bed to them too. It's a small apartment, so they'll have to hang it from the ceiling, then the parents will complain that the ceiling makes too much noise.


Back to Friday: T minus four hours til delivery.

Dad: I'll help by driving the truck. But Wife, you have to come over and spend time with Mom the moment you're done. She misses you and you haven't come over all week.

Husband: WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? IT'S THEIR BLEEDING FRIDGE and they have no concept of us having to set it up, as well as firing up the front-end loader to make room in the bedroom (behind the explosives).

Wife: Ok, I'm leaving now. All you need to do is take out the trash, clean the fridge, sweep everything you can find into a random trash bag, make a nice picnic for when we're done, and put together these 12 space-saver shoe racks, because 12 is all they had - the rest are back ordered.

Husband: These are for the basement, right? I can't get to the basement because of all the shoe rack boxes blocking the stairs. Why is there a half full can of soda that's unopened in the fridge? Hey, have you seen the dog?


Husband continues chores.
Notices that if he touches one thing, 13 other things mysteriously appear in the way, then fall over.
Brings out vacuum. The cord won't reach. Vacuum turns itself on and off.
Vacuum has to be stopped constantly because there's change on the floor. Nobody knows why, but change is always on the floor at vacuuming time. Unfortunately, high denomination dollar bills never litter the floor- just change. Vacuums don't like change. Neither do most people.

The chair that needs to be moved weighs 100lbs without the 100lb go-kart that's on it. The poor dog is cowering on the couch, unable to see the floor.  Husband goes to the (now clean) fridge to get something to drink. There's nothing there except plenty of warm spring water. Under the chair is that cat he thought ran away last summer. Perfectly preserved too. Perhaps he could earn a few bucks through taxidermy.

Wife calls to ask how wide the doorway is. Husband measures 71. Wife says the answer she's looking for is in inches - try turning the tape around. Husband regresses to age 5, when Mom asked how many gallons of gas the car took.
Tip: do NOT smoke near gas pumps.

Husband sees a trash bag to take out in the kitchen, only he can't pick it up because there's a chainsaw on top of it. The fridge had to be moved away from the wall. Why? Because the underneath might be dirty and has to be swept before the movers get there with the new fridge. Husband's head hurts really badly. The voices are saying very nasty things that would lead to a lengthy jail sentence. At 3:30, husband figures he might want to have breakfast but can't, because most of the food has been hidden in the garage. He didn't know he had a garage, but you learn something new every day. Also, Dunkin Donuts frozen hot chocolate makes an excellent breakfast, any time of day.

Husband collapses and finally goes back to work. He wonders if he talks wife into sex, would that be considered having sex at work. He ponders other large questions while the the neighbor manages to run three mowers at the same time. He tells wife that it's been nice and sunny for two days, so they better get ready for the May snowstorm the following day.


Fictional Mover: Where do you want the bed?

Husband: upstairs.

Mover: Do you want the fridge up there too?

Husband: This is a pretty weird house, but I'd prefer it in the kitchen.



Husband: Wouldn't it be easier to take the old one out first?

Mover: What old one?

Husband: The old fridge.

Mover: We weren't told anything about that. You should really clean that thing - you don't want the neighbors seeing it this way.



Mover: Ok, we need a wider doorway for the new fridge.

Husband: Oh.

Dad: Nah, they just have to move it in sideways. GUYS - just move it that way. The magnets come off the front- take the little fridge magnets off and you'll get it through. Turn it this way. No, it won't work. Nah, it won't get through. You should move it back and try it again. Nah, it won't work.

Mover1 to Mover2: Turn it a little. That's it, we're good.

Dad: See, I told you so. Sometimes I have good ideas.

Husband: stunned silence.

Mover: [seething] Do youse need anything else? Here are some parts of the door that fell off.

Wife: No thanks, I just have to clean the old fridge you guys put on the curb. I don't want the neighbors to see it like this.